Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e34 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Come on, Floyd, let's hustle!
Here you are, Kate, the morning mail!
Great, boys, great!
Congratulations! Isn't that wonderful?
Hold it, hold it, everybody.
We didn't make it, Floyd.
It's 12:02.
Don't take it so hard, boys.
But, Kate, it's the first time in 20 years
that it appeared like like we was gonna get
the mornin' mail here in the mornin'.
You'll-you'll make it one of these times.
Hot diggity, that sure would be a red letter day,
wouldn't it, Charley? I hope to tell you it would.
Now, Floyd, uh,
could-could I look at the morning mail this afternoon
before it gets to be evenin'?
Oh, sure, here you are.
One postcard addressed to you.
Mr. Bedloe.
Don't tell me we're gonna have to put up
with that rat Bedloe again.
He'll have another scheme
for closing down the Cannonball for sure.
Says he's bringing his son with him.
Wonder what Mr. Bedloe's son is like.
Junior!
Yes, Dad?
Stop dillydallying in that stupid station.
You might inadvertently strike up an acquaintance
with one of those stupid country hicks.
Well, as a matter of fact, one of the natives
A friendly little old lady did smile
and try to say hello to me just a moment ago.
Really? What did you do?
I glared at her until her face turned crimson red
and she was humiliated into turning away from me.
Good boy!
Ah, isn't that typical?
The stupid Hooterville Cannonball
is already several hours late arriving
at this stupid station.
Wasn't that the sound of its stupid whistle, Dad?
Yes, it was.
A more unpleasant sound I've yet to hear.
You hate that train worse than anything in this world,
don't you, Dad? I detest it!
Even more than Mother?
Yes, even more than your mother.
Boy, I'd hate to be that train.
Come on, son.
Let's climb aboard.
Get out to that place I've been telling you about.
The Shady Rest hotel?
Right. That Victorian mass
of potential kindling wood.
Right. That remotely located eyesore
which defaces the scenery
along the right-of-way of your railroad.
Right. That antiquated two-bit hostelry
which houses Kate Bradley and her brood
Otherwise known as "the enemy."
That ridiculous backboard
Now hold it, son. Hold it.
Save some of that prodigious eloquence
for a time you can use it on a defeated foe.
Right you are, Dad, as usual.
Smart boy.
What do you think of the country
around here, son? It's very pretty.
Look again.
Oh, a quick glance and it looks pretty,
but, when you give it a good look, it's nothing.
Don't you ever forget it!
See in life, my boy, not what's there,
but what you want to see.
Dad, you are the greatest!
Thank you, son.
You're probably the most ruthless man
since Ivan the Terrible.
Oh, I wouldn't go that far,
but I'm always in there pitching.
You bet you are and I can't wait
to see you tear into this Kate Bradley
and the other rubes around here.
Now hold on, son, hold on.
That isn't the way I operate.
What?!
Oh, now look, Dad, you said I'd see you in action.
That you'd chomp up these people once and for all.
You said you'd bring 'em to their knees
and make them suffer.
You promised me this trip was gonna be fun!
It will be, my boy.
It will be.
Just that you have to learn, uh,
some of the facts of life first.
Great.
It's about time.
Well, not that kind.
Now I want you to be a success
by putting into practice all those devious
and unscrupulous tactics I taught you.
Well, I've already put some of them into practice, Dad.
Remember, I was the most hated boy in my whole college?
Well, that's kids' stuff, minor league.
Now you're ready to tackle
the wonderful world of adults.
I'm so excited I can't wait to start.
Oh, be patient, my boy.
And follow my example.
In life do anything to win
Plead, crawl, try or lie.
But don't actually ever cheat anybody.
That is, unless you're sure you can get away with it.
I know what you mean, Dad.
Even in the game of golf
I'd rather play with a sore loser
than a good winner any day.
Save yourself years of travel,
and don't waste time being a nice guy.
Start out mean. It's a big shortcut.
Oh, Dad, that's great advice.
What's your plan of attack, Dad?
The new Homer Bedloe.
Oh, not the old mean railroad executive,
but Homer Bedloe the loving father and friend.
That'll get her.
Beautiful, Dad.
Beautiful!
Thank you, son.
I've given this scheme a lot of thought
and I'm rather proud of it.
I'm gonna hit Kate Bradley
with so many paternal platitudes,
she'll think she met the father of the year.
Dad What is it, son?
May I say that I'm proud to be your son?
Sure, son, say it.
Go ahead, say it.
I am, sir.
I'm proud.
Oh, you're a chip off the old block, my boy.
You're all right, son.
You're all right!
Here we are, son, at the Shady Rest
The magnolia-scented stronghold of the enemy.
Go get 'em, Dad. I will.
I promise you, son, I'll soften 'em up
and then you can have a little fun yourself.
Oh, great, Dad, you're all heart.
Heart?!
Oh, that's a good one! That's a gem.
That's a genuine witticism, my boy.
Mom, Mr. Bedloe's arrived.
He and his son are coming up the hill.
That only means one thing
Double trouble in two pair of pants.
Don't worry, Kate.
I've handled Bedloe before and I can do it again.
Bringing his son along just gives me a bigger challenge.
Thanks, champ.
Don't mention it, Kate, that's what I'm here for,
is to look after you and the girls.
Mom, did you say Mr. Bedloe's on his way up the hill?
And his son.
Oh, is he cute?
Oh!
Well, he looks like he's about 24 and the college type.
Well, looks like maybe having Mr. Bedloe here
this time could present an entirely
different I said he looks like the college type,
also he looks just like his father.
You can't be serious?
Sorry, chum, but that's the hair-raising truth.
Bedloe's son is a genuine juvenile duplication
of his hawk-faced, grumpy, mean old father.
Is that a fact?
I'll go along with everything you say
about me, young lady,
but I don't think it applies to my son here.
Most people say he favors his mother.
Bless her dear, sweet and gentle heart.
Gee, Mr. Bedloe, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were standing there.
Obviously.
Now, Mrs. Bradley and Mr. Carson,
and you young Bradley sisters, allow me
to present my son, Homer Bedloe, Junior.
Hello. Hi.
Well, it's good to be back.
It's been a long time.
Not long enough for us, Bedloe.
That's right, Uncle Joe.
I don't blame you, folks.
But please not in front of my son.
He's extremely sensitive.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Uh, we got nothing
against your son, Mr. Bedloe.
That's right.
No hard feelings, son.
Thank you. Thank you
from the bottom of my heart.
Your what?
Mr. Bedloe, your son may have a heart,
but, if you have one, we haven't seen it yet.
Why, I had that coming, Mrs. Bradley.
That and much more.
My past performance in your lovely community
obviates the necessity
for any politeness on your part.
Aim your bitterest insults at me.
I stand before you ready to accept them,
and deserve the naked humiliation.
Careful, Bedloe.
This is a decent and respectable hotel.
Now, that's only a figure of speech, Mr. Carson.
Uh, Mr. Bedloe, are you sayin' that, um,
you're through trying to scrap the Cannonball
and shut down this hotel
and that you're a changed man
who wants to repent for what he's done.
Yes, ma'am, that's exactly what I'm trying to say.
"I don't believe a cotton-picki" word of it.
You can't talk to a Bedloe that way.
Now, now, now hold on, son.
Set family pride and filial devotion aside.
I have to be honest with you.
On my past visits to this Victorian tabernacle
of friendly seclusion,
I've, uh, been a bit of a stinker.
No, Dad, not you.
Yes, boy, me.
I can't believe it, Dad.
Why? Why, tell me why.
Vengeance, my boy, anger,
frustration and humiliation That's why.
Those feelings known only to the vanquished
have lodged themselves in my throat
like a massive inflammation
and I had to return here to spit them all out.
Not in this lobby you don't, Bedloe.
And don't you forget it. Oh, Uncle Joe,
Mr. Bedloe's not gonna do what you think.
You're dang right he ain't,
not as long as I'm here.
Or else he'll get throwed out the front door.
Mrs. Bradley, I stand before you,
not as the pragmatic vice president
of the C. & F.W. Railroad,
but as a parent just like yourself,
trying to do what is right for his offspring.
Mr. Bedloe.
For the first time,
we see eye-to-eye about somethin'.
Oh, Mrs. Bradley, Junior has spent most of his life
with me and I brought him down here in the hope
that he might fall under the warm and soft influence
of you and your charming daughters.
It's time he was exposed to the opposite sex.
That does it, Bedloe!
Out you go!
Uncle Joe, control yourself.
What's the matter with you, Kate?
He's the one that oughta learn to control himself.
I knew you were mean, Bedloe,
but I never realized until now
that you're vulgar, too.
Uncle Joe, please be quiet.
You just don't understand Mr. Bedloe's language.
The heck I don't.
You oughta be ashamed of yourself,
in front of women and your own son.
Mr. Bedloe, here are the keys to adjoining room.
Why don't you and your son go on up
and we'll talk about this later.
Thank you, Mrs. Bradley.
That's an excellent idea.
Girls, will you show them to their rooms?
Supper will be in about an hour, Mr. Bedloe.
Thank you, Mrs. Bradley.
That'll just give us time for a bath.
And while you're in there,
wash your mouth out with soap, Bedloe!
Okay, okay, Kate, this is your hotel
you can run it the way you like.
But I'm warnin' you, if you let people talk like that,
the place is gonna get a bad name.
Uncle Joe, stop saying that.
It sounds silly.
Mr. Bedloe may be mean, but he's an educated man
who knows how to use the language.
Yeah, he sure does.
Why, he even used a couple of words
that even I don't know.
Very nice.
Very nice, indeed!
Thank you, Mr. Bedloe.
Well, how's your room, son?
Built, really built.
Your room's built, what's that mean?
Uh, my room? Oh!
No, Dad, I had my mind on something else.
Oh, I see, at your age,
you find the Bradley girls attractive.
Is that it?
They are dolls.
Well, forget it.
They're miserable daughters of a miserable woman,
that's what they are.
Uh, you bet they are.
Dolls? Did I, did I say "dolls"?
No, sir, not when you take a good close look.
Dogs is what they are, genuine un-pedigreed mutts.
Beautifully stated, my boy.
Your semantics are sound.
They make your old dad proud.
How do you think we're doing with Mrs. Bradley, Dad?
Better than I hoped for.
She started lapping up that doting father gimmick
like a cat with a saucer of cream.
What next, Genius Dad?
You, my boy, that's what's next the clincher.
I leave and you stay.
Me? What do you mean?
Me stay here by myself?
What for?
Well, don't you see?
With me gone, Kate Bradley and her brood
will be thoroughly disarmed.
Well, what can I do here on my own?
Snoop around, get the lay of the land,
worm your way into the hearts of these yokels,
find their Achilles' heel.
Okay, Dad, I'll give it the old college try.
With your reputation
as the meanest Yale graduate in human memory,
that's good enough for me.
Dad, you inspire me with confidence.
You make me feel like I'm even more than a son to you.
My boy,
if a father can't inspire his own flesh and blood
with a sense of purpose and dedication,
I ask you: What good is he?
Nothing, Dad, a big, fat nothing.
And you are the greatest, an absolute genius.
Ah, knock it off, boy, I'm not a genius.
Brilliant perhaps but not yet a genius.
You know, I always figured
Mr. Bedloe was too mean to have a son.
Oh, Bedloe is a changed man.
I reckon spending so much time here with decent folks
has finally rubbed off on him.
Yeah, maybe so.
Now, all we got to do is straighten out
that cussing problem of his and he'll be perfect.
So, my dear friends,
I bid you all a fond farewell until we meet again.
Bless you, good-bye and buena suerte.
There he goes cussing again.
Oh, Uncle Joe, "buena suerte" means "good luck" in Spanish.
Is Bedloe Spanish?
No, I don't think so.
Need I say more?
Things won't be the same without you, Dad.
You are doing fine, my boy.
You've trained for this for months.
It's time you spread your wings
and swooped down on a few pigeons.
Oh I-I-I'm, I'm a little scared.
Well, that's only natural.
The first time I outsmarted and crushed an opponent,
I felt the same way.
When it was all over, I had tears in my eyes.
From crying?
Not you, Dad.
From laughing, and of course not me.
Oh, that's good, I'm relieved.
Now, I'll be so happy back at the office,
knowing that you're here plotting to destroy this train
and the Bradley clan every waking moment.
Dad, even when I sleep, I dream mean.
That's my boy.
So long, Dad.
Good-bye, son.
And remember the Bedloe creed
Right, "to err is human, so always take advantage of it."
Bye, Dad.
Bye-bye, Dad.
My daddy's leaving.
And the Cannonball carries about everything
from newborn babies to hot lunches for salesmen.
I guess at one time or another,
Charley and Floyd's turned that train
into just about everything under the sun.
Sort of a traveling restaurant, hospital,
and come what may without a license, you might say.
Yeah, the folks around here don't care much for red tape
Them, uh, legal technicalities.
Is that a fact?
Interesting, Mr. Carson, extremely interesting.
Yeah, I guess it is if you say so, Junior.
I still don't think writing a book
about things around here is going to make you any money.
Well, there's more to life than money, Mr. Carson.
There's the gratification one feels
when one accomplishes something important.
I call it a feeling of cerebral passion.
Now, you're going to have
to cut that kind of talk out, son.
What kind of talk? What do you mean?
You've been hanging around with that old man of yours
too long, my boy.
Yes, but Now, you take my advice
and forget about that kind of language.
There ain't a publisher in the country
that'll put any of them words in print, believe me.
Really, Mr. Carson, there's nothing wrong with
Now, don't try to sell me on your city ways.
If you're going to put things like that in writing,
put 'em down so decent people can read 'em.
You know, as a new writer starting on his first book,
you're pathetic.
And you say that you haven't had a visit
from anyone with the ICC that you can remember?
Well, not that we can recall.
Right, Floyd? That's right.
Matter of fact, I can't even recall what ICC means.
Those initials stand
for Interstate Commerce Commission.
That's the federal agency
which controls the licensing of commercial vehicles.
Is that a fact?
Boy, you two are incredibly naive.
How's that, son?
What I mean to say
is that you're incredibly neat and precise,
the way you run this train.
You ought to see how nice our uniforms look
when it ain't a fishing day.
You mean you're going to stop this train and go fishing?
Yep, we're almost to Morgan Creek Trestle.
We'll be wetting a line in five minutes.
Stop a train to go fishing?!
Why? I don't get it.
'Cause it's fun.
Fun?
You've got to be kidding.
Ain't you never fished, son?
Of course not.
Then you're about to sample
one of the great joys of life, Junior.
Fishing is good for the soul.
That's funny.
Hey, I got a bite.
Let him take it, Junior.
Don't rush him.
Hook him, son.
I got him.
Good boy.
Bring him aboard.
Oh.
Hey, I caught a fish.
How about that?
This is fun.
I hope to tell you it is.
What will I do with him?
Throw him back in.
Well, why should I do that?
So you can come back again with us tomorrow
and catch him again.
Hi, Junior, come on and do the hop with us.
No, thanks, I don't dance.
Oh, come on, Junior, it's fun.
Come on, do the hop.
It's the greatest.
Oh, look, this is ridi
I mean, I don't know anything about it.
Hey, this is fun.
Isn't it, though?
Morning, Junior.
Morning, Mrs. Bradley.
How are you getting along?
Uh, pretty good, thanks.
Uh, could I talk to you about something, please?
W-Well, sure you can.
What's on your mind?
It's something you're not going to like to hear.
In fact, I think you're going to hate it.
Well let me decide for myself, huh?
I've been lying to you.
Why, Junior, I'm surprised at you.
What lies have you been telling?
So many I hardly know where to begin,
and my dad, he's been lying to you, too.
Well, that doesn't surprise me in the least.
He's, he's old and set in his lying ways, but
there's hope for you, Junior.
Want to tell me about it?
My dad and I came here to destroy that stupid train
I mean the Cannonball
And this hotel and everybody in this stupid valley
I mean valley.
You'll have to excuse me.
I'm having quite a struggle telling you about this.
I know you are, but don't be upset.
Everything's going to be fine.
I'm not used to this sickening
emotion that's overwhelming me.
What emotion is that?
I think it's called honesty.
Oh.
Yeah, that, that can be a tough one to handle,
de-depending on the way you think.
But the point is, Mrs. Bradley, you and your daughters
and Uncle Joe and Charley and Floyd
have all been so kind to me, and the stupid part about it
is none of you seem to want anything from me at all.
That's right, we don't.
But why? I don't get it.
You're all so nice and friendly and kind,
and for no darn, stupid reason at all.
Do we have to have a reason?
I know.
You're all sick.
That's it, isn't it?
You've got some kind of a community neurosis.
That's it, isn't it?
No, it isn't.
As a matter of fact, we all feel fine.
You do?
Boy, I'm really confused.
Well, why don't you stop trying to understand it
and just enjoy it?
That's what we all do around here.
That's what I've discovered.
You know, a fellow could get used to a life like this.
Well, of course he could, and you're just the fella.
Thanks, Mrs. Bradley.
Thank you very much.
You know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to shoot a wire to my dad
and tell him I've found the answer to his problem.
I'm going to get him here right away
so he can straighten himself out, too.
By the moonlight ♪
You can hear the young folks singing ♪
In the evening by the moonlight ♪
You can hear those banjos ringing ♪
How the old folks ♪
Hey, maybe my dad's arrived.
I'll see if he's getting off.
Any sign of him?
Yep, he's coming up the hill lickety-split.
My boy, you did it!
I knew you could.
Tell them, son, tell them how we pulled it off.
Tell them how you're going to bring them to their knees
in front of your father
as he enjoys his moment of supreme retribution.
Bedloe, you've been back ten seconds
and you're starting up again.
Now, you watch your language, and I ain't kidding.
Okay, son, what's the news?
What's your answer for settling this problem
once and for all?
By not pretending to be nice anymore.
Naturally, naturally there's no use for pretense now.
And the answer?
Honesty, Dad plain,
simple, undisguised honesty and truth.
Beautiful, son, absolutely beautiful.
We'll hit these yokels with honesty and truth
and then we'll close down the Cannonball and this hotel,
and the stupid people in this valley will
What?!
Did you say what I thought you said?
Yes, sir, I did.
No, it can't be.
They've ruined you, that's what they've done.
No, Dad, they've given me a new look at life,
an honest one, and I like it.
Stop talking like that.
It's disgusting.
Dad, it can happen to you, too.
Will you shut up?
You fiends, you've brainwashed this poor boy.
I'm taking you back to the city right now.
No, sir, I don't want to go.
You're going to have to see a psychiatrist
first thing in the morning.
I don't like her, I hate her.
I don't ever want to see that woman again.
Well, you're going to go and that's that.
Good-bye, Mrs. Bradley.
Bye, Uncle Joe.
Good-bye, girls. Bye, Junior.
We sure will miss you.
We will, Junior.
Hurry back, dear.
You bet I will.
Not on your life.
Stop doing that, you fool, you look like a nice guy.
It's repulsive!
Poor Junior.
He had to have Mr. Bedloe for a father.
I don't think Bedloe will ever let
that boy come back here again.
Oh, I wouldn't worry, Uncle Joe.
That nice boy will be back, I'm sure of it.
As far as I'm concerned, I don't care
if we never see either one of the two of them again.
Them's two of the most foul-mouthed men
I've ever met in my life.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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