Gilligan's Island (1964) s01e35 Episode Script

1
["The ballad of gilligan's isle"]
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
five passengers set sail that day ♪
for a three hour tour ♪
a three hour tour ♪
[thunder rumbling]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper too ♪
the millionaire ♪
and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
and the rest ♪
are here on gilligan's isle ♪
[music]
Stay there my little beauty
and I'll get you.
Ready, get set..
Catch you!
Come on back.
[Gasps]
Great.
[Gasps]
[Music continues]
[Panting]
I got ya!
Get it off of me. I don't
like this, take it off.
Oh!
Gilligan, what's the meaning of this?
I'm sorry. Just trying out my
new butterfly net.
Do hurry, lovey. My-my arm
is getting stiff.
What you doing?
If you must know, I'm trying
to shoot Mr. Howell.
Don't do that. I know married
couples have their diff
- don't be silly. With a camera!
- Oh, oh!
[Cracking]
Oh, Mrs. Howell! It's a great nig-nog.
Oh, Mrs. Howell. It's a great
big rock and it's coming down.
[Loud thud]
Oh!
Lovey, lovey, my dear, are you alright?
Oh! There, my dear.
Yes, yes, I'm alright. Thanks to gilligan.
- We are forever in your debt.
- Oh, it wasn't anything.
Not anything? You just saved
my life, that's all.
You couldn't be braver
if you were our own son.
Oh, thurston.
Wouldn't it be wonderful
if we had a son like gilligan
'who risked his life
to save mine the way he did.'
that's okay, Mr. Howell.
I'd do it for my own mother.
Oh, thurston, we haven't got a son.
True. We have no one to bear
our name proudly and bravely.
Do you think we should.. Could we?
- Let's..
- Let's what Mr. Howell?
Not Mr. Howell. Dad.
'Gilligan thurston ho well iv,
we adopt you. Officially.'
hee hee. Kiss your mother.
Here ye, hear ye.
I, thurston ho well III
do formally declare from this day forth
that poor indigent fellow
known as gilligan
shall become gilligan thurston ho well iv
my legal son and heir.
- You!
- Witnesses.
What's the matter, ginger?
Oh, I always cry at weddings
and being adopted by millionaires.
Captain, the naval person
the admiralty represented.
Ha ha, ha ha.
Oh, and uh, there's professor,
the academic world
cloistered halls and all that..
Ah, mother. This is our day.
Oh, darling. At last, we have a son. Oh..
Not exactly what we might
have expected of course
but a brave dear boy.
Yes, my dear. Can you imagine
after all these years
walking in to the Harvard club
and saying fellows,
I want you to meet my son
gilligan thurston ho well iv.
Gilligan thurston ho well iv.
Isn't that one..
[Indistinct chatter]
- Ugh.
- What's the matter, dear?
I was just imagining
walking into the Harvard club
after all these years with him
and saying, fellows, I want you
to meet my son
gilligan thurston ho well iv.
Yeckles!
Rest of your stuff, gilligan.
Well, off to your new home.
- Thanks, professor, skipper.
- Yeah, alright.
Oh, gilligan, don't forget now.
Don't eat any pineapple 'cause
it always gives you a rash.
- I won't forget, skipper.
- Oh, wait, and-and, gilligan.
- Call me if you need anything.
- Okay, skipper.
I mean any time of the day
or night or well, you know..
- Okay, skipper. See you later.
- Good luck.
Oh, I'm gonna sure
miss him around here.
I used to take care of him, you know.
I took care of everything
that he has though, his clo..
He forgot his handkerchief,
I better get 'em over.
He's just going to the other
hut. He doesn't need them.
He's gonna need them
to wipe his eyes, professor
when he starts crying.
The poor home sick kid.
What makes you think he's gonna cry?
Because I am crying right now.
I-I'll break every bone
in his body if he doesn't.
Oh, skipper. Try to think of it as this way.
Losing your first mature,
you gain a benefactor.
Gilligan can afford to buy you
a whole fleet of ships now.
Oh, who cares about that?
He's not cut out to be a millionaire's son.
"Buy me a whole fleet of ships?!"
Darling, remember pygmalion?
Professor Higgins
did wonders with Eliza.
Yes, my dear, but professor Higgins
had only to deal with the dirty
ignorant little gutter-snipe.
- We have gilligan.
- Did you call?
[Music]
Alovey, it'll take a miracle.
Well, gilligan.
No, gilligan.
Hold it, don't!
My darling, I-I bid a spade.
I bid two cloves.
Gilligan?
Gin.
- No.
- No.
Now, gilligan, I'm sure that even
you know what to do with a finger bowl.
Fingerbowl? Oh sure!
Oh, no! Oh, gilligan!
Now, think very hard.
We've been over this
everyday for over a week.
Now, tell me, think, what is money?
I don't know, Mr. Howell.
It's all so difficult.
It's so hard to remember money
is something you never spend.
That's it! Money is something
you never spend.
- That's right! You make more.
- Good boy!
Now, what are your favorite sports?
My favorite sports are tennis,
Polo, sailing and, um..
- Can you give me a hint?
- Uh, tally ho!
[Gibberish]
Hee hee hee. Whoa!
Baseball!
Not baseball. Uh? Let me see, I
was coming to it, its the hunt.
My favorite sports are tennis,
Polo, sailing and the hunt!
Oh, he's really gonna make it,
thurston. He really is.
I'm so proud of you.
Now, your schools are?
Harvard, you silly goose.
The way you said it was delightful.
First thing in the morning.
What do you do?
You stand up at attention,
face east and salute port norks.
Also, a gentlemen never trumps
his partners ace
and the government is tryin'
to give away our country.
The rain in Spain falls mainly
on the New York stock exchange.
I know, he's got it.
He's a ho well.
Can you believe
the luck some people have?
Imagine, gilligan being
adopted by a millionaire.
Yeah, my very best friend.
Our best friend.
My little buddy, can you imagine that
being able to buy a whole fleet of ships.
Hi, Mary Ann.
Can I go butterfly huntin' with you?
Oh, I'm sorry, gilligan.
You'll get your new clothes
all dirty. I'll tell you what.
I'll go catch some
and bring it to you, okay?
Yeah, but Mary Ann, I like
to go butterfly hunting..
You know, this tar should make
the huts really waterproof.
It's wonderful the way you made this tar
out of the minerals on the island.
Hi, skipper. Hi, professor.
- "'Well, gilligan, look at you"
- doesn't he look snazzy?
He has a brush. I'll help you tar.
Oh, thank you but we can't
possibly ask you to help.
- Sure I can. I wanna help.
- Now, don't trouble yourself.
- We'll manage by ourselves.
- This is no trouble.
Men of great wealth must
learn to delegate authority.
'Now, why don't you just sit
and down and watch us?'
I don't wanna sit, I wanna tar.
Give it. Give it. Please, sit down now.
Men of your caliber are meant
to synch, I bet as, bych..
Please just rest your signing arm.
No, skipper. I don't wanna rest.
I just wanna help tar.
- Would you give me that bucket.
- No, I wanna help.
[Indistinct]
Skipper, control yourself.
He didn't mean to.
- I know that, professor.
- What did you say?
I said that you didn't mean to do this.
How come you're not yelling at me?
Gilligan, even the best of us
have our little accidents.
Now, please don't worry about it.
Okay, skipper, I'll see you later.
Yes, gilligan.
Hi, ginger. What you doing?
Doing a love scene with Cary Grant.
What does it look like I'm..
Gilligan, I didn't know it was you.
- Hello.
- Hello.
My, don't you look handsome today.
I'm all covered with tar.
Well, some men wear tar
better than others.
I'll help you hang the clothes
and we'll go butterfly hunting?
Oh, gilligan, you're putting me on.
But then, you always
were so divinely witty.
I was?
Sure. I always felt
you belonged to the theatre.
Close your eyes and try to visualize.
There you are.
Brilliant, young, rich producer..
Mad about your leading lady.
- Can you see yourself?
- Nope.
- Why not?
- You told me to close my eyes.
Open them.
Now, now since you can
have anything at all.
What do you want?
I'll help you with the clothes
and we'll go butterfly hunting.
Gilligan, hanging up
the clothes is menial work.
We can't do that now.
Why is everyone telling me what
to do. I know what I can do.
Listen, ginger, I'm just as good
at clothes hanger up as I was..
Oops.
Sorry, ginger. Are you mad?
Not at all. It's what I always wanted.
Cross ventilation.
Hello, gilligan, my boy. Where are you?
Ah, there you are.
I have a surprise for you.
- Adopted somebody else?
- No!
- Giving you a coming out party.
- Coming out of what?
Coming out of the murky dreary
jungle of untutored mediocrity.
Yuck! I better go take a shower.
- That's my boy. That's
- my best friends won't tell me.
I'm gonna give you a big party.
You've learnt your lessons well.
And tomorrow, you're gonna be
officially launched in society.
You're a very, very lucky young man.
[Laughter]
Did you hear the one about
the movie star who was divorced
so many times
she got custody of a judge?
Yeah, I sure am lucky, alright.
- Alright, ready now?
- Uh-huh.
Row, row, row your boat ♪
gently down the stream ♪
merrily, merrily, merrily ♪
row, row, row row ♪
gently down the stream ♪
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.. ♪
Life is but a dream ♪
oh, well..
Don't you wanna go out
and join your friends?
What for? They're just
laughing and singing.
I get to stay in here and read
these great financial reports.
Yeah, yeah, yes. The masses are
so easily amused, aren't they?
I bet they even think
they're having fun, huh?
'Cause it sure sounds like
they're having fun.
There now, gilligan. This is all
ready for your debut.
And I'm sure it'll fit you perfectly.
Oh, what a joyous occasion.
Tomorrow evening, all your
friends will meet the new
Jean thurston ho well iv.
Marvelous. Like it was made for you.
O-O-Oh, isn't it thrilling?
I'll never forget the night
of my debut party.
Neither will the world forget.
That was the night
Napoleon got it at Waterloo.
Oh, I was just joshing my dear.
But you're supposed to look happy.
You look like you lost your
last share of stock.
Everybody's treating me too
fancy. Like I was made of glass.
Not glass, my boy. Gold!
You're made of solid gold.
From your toes to your head, solid gold.
- I don't feel any different.
- But you're different.
Everybody treats you with more
courtesy and great respect.
'And everybody wants
something from you, right?'
- right! What do I do about it?
- You use it!
The way any self respecting
model millionaire, you use it.
Power, my boy! You are a king!
- And I can get anything I want?
- Anything you want.
- What do you want?
- I'm not sure.
But I think I want an Abby cake.
I don't want power.
I don't want to be a king.
I don't want to be a king.
I don't want power.
I don't wanna be a king.
Good morning, royal daddy.
Good morning, royal mummy.
- I'm going butterfly hunting.
- No, you can't.
Not until you seen
the morning list of supplicants.
I don't like supplicants.
I dislike supplicants.
I hate supplicants.
What are supplicants?
Sit down, gilligan,
and be a good little king.
I never have any fun anymore.
Bring on the first supplicant.
Your majesty, everyone in
the kingdom wants your crown.
They do?
Hi, Mary Ann. You want my crown?
Oh, your highness, jest with me.
No. You take and you be king.
- Oh, your excellency, I cannot.
- Why not?
- For one thing, I'm a girl.
- I'm a boy. Does it matter?
God, queen mother. The king
is in need of higher education.
- Take the crown and be king.
- Oh, do not tease me so.
I came but to ask you
to Grant me a farm.
To raise butterflies?
No, to provide sheep for the royal table.
We don't need any sheep
for the royal table.
We're already crowded enough as it is.
Ha ha. A good one, a jolly jest.
Go away, Mary Ann. You're no fun.
Your liege..
Professor astronomer, you wanna
hunt butterflies with me?
Later, my liege. Right now
there's much work to be done.
'If you would Grant the equipment I ask'
'i would discover great marbles
in science for your kingdom.'
like what?
Ah, copernicus already has
the earth moving around the sun.
Pythagoras has done the scale.
"'Oh! Here's something
that needs discovery"
frozen foods.
Now, how does that strike, my liege?
Leaves me cold.
Ha! Chip off the old scepter. Very good.
Go away.
- Your highness.
- I'm busy.
Here goes one.
Your majesty..
- Your highness.
- Hm.
All I want is, is one little dance
with your royal masculine cuteness.
One royal foxtrot or one royal waltz.
Go away. Girls are pests.
There goes another one.
Don't tell me. Let me guess.
You want a whole fleet of ships?
Grant me that wish, sire!
I shall sail for the orient.
I shall bring you back rare pearls, gold
frankincense for your treasures.
I don't like gold, I don't like frankincense.
I don't even like chow mien.
All I want to do is hunt butterflies. Away.
Wouldn't anybody play with me?
(All) No!
Alright then! Off with their heads.
So be it!
Bring on the guillotine.
Oh! Stop, royal daddy.
Stop, royal mummy.
I-I didn't mean it.
- We're doomed.
- Oh, please spare us.
No, stop. I won't hurt anybody.
I won't even hurt a butterfly.
I wasn't even gonna catch him. Stop!
It's too late, my dear.
King's word is the royal command.
No, no! I don't want to be king.
Really! I don't want to be king.
I don't want to be king.
I don't want to be king.
I don't want to be king.
But I don't want to be king.
I don't want to be king.
I don't want to be king.
I don't want to be king.
[Panting]
- Who's out here?
- Just me, skipper.
Gilligan, what in the name of
the seven seas are you doing?
I don't want to be king. I don't
want to chop off your head.
I can't be a ho well.
I don't wanna disappoint you.
I don't wanna be rich.
I just want to be me.
- Are you mad?
- No, I'm not mad.
Every man has the right to be himself.
- Even a gilligan.
- Thanks, skipper.
- Have you told howell's yet?
- That's the problem. I can't.
Why not?
Because they did a lot for me.
They believe thatswhat I am.
How do I tell, I'm not.
First they broke the mould
and then they made you.
Skipper, I can't hurt
their feelings no matter what.
But you know little buddy
in spite of yourself
you still have to be king.
But I think I have an answer.
- You do?
- Certainly.
With a little bit of brain power
I think I know exactly what to do.
- What?
- We'll ask the professor.
Yes, I think I have the answer.
I told you the professor would know.
You were right. What's the answer?
When it comes to being tricky..
Ask a woman.
And you're willing to give up all that?
So we can be friends like we used to be.
Oh, I think we all owe gilligan a thanks.
I think we should
have his head examined.
If that's what you want, gilligan.
- Hey, I got an idea.
- Huh?
Listen.
I sure am excited. How do I look?
Oh, you look wonderful, I must say.
You know your debut is gonna be
the social end of this season.
Is the Mrs. Howell busy making
the last minute preparations?
Dad, how much do
I get for my allowance?
I beg your pardon.
Like all rich kids. How does
10,000 month at cha?
Ten thousand dollars a month?
Well, that's more than
I give Mrs. Howell for her pi..
Oh, we'll-we'll talk about it later.
Aloha.
You know, I might need the money
for one thing or another.
- Am I one thing, honey?
- No, you're another.
Promise to get 50 thou
for a new play when we get back.
You do what?
Ginger, we forgot the special dessert.
O-O-Oh, we'll be right back.
I can pick up extra dough anytime I want.
- Right, skip?
- Oh!
- You're are definately chief.
- We own the minnow now.
You own the minnow?
Yeah, won the old tub in
the card game last night
more or less you can judge
a dumb kid by his cover.
You're a real hustler. One of the greats.
A ho well, a hustler? I may faint.
Let me get you a stool there, dear dad.
Ha ha, ace of spades, aye?
'So, ho well iv, cheats at cards.'
oh, scandal of a shame.
What do you have got to say
for yourself, you low life?
Nothing, us sea serpents can't talk.
- Martinis, anyone?
- Yes, I can use a drink.
I'm frankly astonished at this
ghastly metamorphosis.
Oh, never mind that.
What about my boat?
Keep it. See if I care.
My dad will buy me another one.
- Won't you, dear old dad?
- I could kill myself.
I may climb up on top
of my money and jump off.
Gin..
And some vermouth.
Yeah?
There.
- Now, here you are, professor.
- Thank you.
- Sensational, huh?
- I'm afraid it's a bit dry.
Are you telling me one of my
perfect martinis is too dry?
'Yes.'
- 'we've been at it for years.'
- 'It's too dry.'
(gilligan) 'You're insulting
the family tradition.'
never mind that, gilligan.
Make him another drink.
I will.
He wants a nice, wet, Martini..
I'll give him a nice, wet,
Martini. Here we go.
Nice, wet, Martini.
Here you are, professor.
Just the way you like it. Nice and wet.
Oh, gilligan.
Buy him a new suit, dear old dad.
Heavens, I've created a Frankenstein.
Mr. Howell, I find
the behavior of your son
and heir shocking and disgraceful.
Don't forget obnoxious.
I may strike 9 thurston ho well iv
only in his mood he may strike back.
Surprise! Surprise
for gilligan's coming out party.
Ginger specialty of coconut cream pie.
We could use a pleasant
moment right now.
You brought me a coconut cream pie?
Yes, gilligan.
It was hard to make cream from
coconut milk
don't you know my grandmother
fed me coconut cream all day?
'Pretend it's loganberry then.'
but it's not loganberry.
- It's coconut cream.
- Stop!
Don't hit ginger with that pie.
I didn't.
Excuse me, everyone.
I would like a word with gilligan.
Don't you mean 9 thurston ho well iv?
No, I mean, gilligan!
The name ho well
has always stood for elan.
Stood for style, noblesse, oblige.
- Don't forget money.
- Money means power.
And with power comes
responsibility in your
behavior toward others.
I sure miss the boat, huh?
You're unbelievable!
You're crude, you're rude, you're bullish.
And don't forget obnoxious.
I really was obnoxious.
And don't forget dishonest and vulgar.
You're very vulgar.
Okay, Mr. Howell. You don't have
to say anymore. I understand.
You don't wanna be my father anymore.
I'm sorry, gilligan. I-I really am.
'And when we get back home,
you'll be rewarded..'
"cause you just weren't
cut out to be a ho well.'
no hard feelings, boy.
No, sir. I think you know best.
[Music]
Oh, thurston, couldn't you
give him one more chance?
He didn't want one. That boy is all heart.
Not a bad actor, either.
- He's an actor?
- Yes, my dear.
[Indistinct]
Oh, thurston, he really didn't
want to be a ho well, did he?
No, it's incredible,
he didn't want to be a ho well
but he didn't want to hurt our feeling.
You're a marvelous judge
of human nature, dear.
Above all, I'm a ho well which is
synonymous with being astute
generous, charming,
kind and handsome.
And above all, modest.
It sure is nice to be wearing
my old clothes again.
It's nice having you back, little buddy.
When I was 9 thurston ho well iv
I had to be neat and clean.
Oh, that must've been murder.
Let me dirty you up a little.
Thanks, skipper. Thanks.
You know, not everyone
can be a ho well.
One question, who has a place
that not over the quick sand
down by the spring.
I did, Mr. Howell. They might
forget about the quicksand.
Well, you're quick thinking
saved Mrs. Howell's life.
- That's great. You hear that?
- What do you mean, skipper?
From now on, it's s thurston ho well v.
- What?
- You heard me, son!
- Oh, but Mr. Howell
- dad.
- Oh, c'mon, Mr. Howell
- dear old dad.
- Please, Mr. Howell
- dad, do you add.
[Indistinct]
[Music]
Now this is the tale of the castaways ♪
they're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and the skipper too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in the tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no lights no motorcars ♪
not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from seven stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪