Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e35 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Uncle Joe, I need your help.
Not now. I'm busy.
Doing what? Chasing a pigeon.
Oh.
Hi, Mom.
What's with Uncle Joe?
I just saw him hightailing
around the side of the house.
He's chasing a pigeon. Huh?
That's what he told me when I asked him to help me.
Chasing a pigeon?
Oh, he must be slipping.
He usually comes up with a better excuse than that.
Did you tell her about it, Betty Jo?
Tell me about what?
Mary Jane Hastings arrived in Hooterville this morning.
But she isn't supposed
to receive the Chamber of Commerce award
until next week.
Why'd she come so early?
Oh, she wants to spend some time
visiting with her old friends,
and guess where she's gonna stay.
Where?
Right here at the Shady Rest.
How do you know she's gonna stay here?
Well, they were just talking about it in Hooterville.
She wants us to pick her up in about an hour
and move her out here.
Be quite an honor to have the president
of Hastings Enterprises for a guest, huh, Kate?
Reckon Mary Jane's the biggest business success.
Hooterville's ever turned out.
Yeah, but
she was planning on staying in town.
Now, what changed her mind?
Well, Uncle Joe ought to know about that.
She said something about
discussing it with him this morning.
Where is he? Chasing a pigeon.
Oh, come on!
Uncle Joe?
I want to talk to you.
Can't you see I'm busy?
Why you chasing that pigeon?
To catch it.
Why didn't you tell me
that Mary Jane Hastings is coming here to stay?
You mean, she is?
I guess that little talk I gave her
about the Shady Rest really did the trick.
She's reserving three rooms for the whole week.
Three rooms?! How do you like that?
I even outdid myself.
One of the extra room is for an
assistant she brought with her,
and the other's to use for an office.
She aims to keep in touch with
her business while she's here.
From the Shady Rest?
I guess I really impressed her
when I described our modern facilities.
Did you happen to describe one of our modern facilities
as no telephone?
Well, uh, no.
Well, how do you expect the woman to keep in contact
with her business stuck way out here with no telephone?
Like what, mental telepathy,
smoke signals, a homing pigeon?
Oh, no!
Why not?
Uncle Joe, your telephone is ringing.
Here we are, Mary Jane.
Oh!
It's just as I remembered it,
and I was so afraid the old charm would be gone.
Why?
Well, Mr. Carson spoke
about all the modern facilities you've installed.
Oh, those.
Everything looks exactly as it was.
The calendar's new.
It was put out this year.
Excuse me, Mary Jane.
I want to fetch my girls. Oh?
They're dying to see you.
Where do these go?
You know
the Executive Suite's on the second floor.
Just put them on the elevator.
The elevator don't work, Mary Jane.
Remember? Decoration.
Oh, yes.
Oh, look, I better use the phone
and tell my office where they can reach me.
Oh, I'm afraid the telephone don't work, either.
Another decoration?
Tell me, how do you manage your business without a phone?
That ain't no problem for Joe.
He don't work, either.
If you want to use a phone,
you can use Hank Folsom's.
Hank Folsom? Our neighbor.
Oh. He's just seven miles down the line.
Oh.
Charley and Floyd can run you over there
whenever you want to make a call.
Well, what if I want to make a call,
and-and Floyd and Charley are in Hooterville?
Hank Folsom will call Sam Drucker,
and he'll send 'em right out.
Well, how will Hank Folsom know when I want them?
We'll send him a message.
How? By homing pigeon?
It's one of the new facilities I was referring to.
Mary Jane?
These are my girls.
Oh, let's see, this is Bobbie Jo.
Hello. Betty Jo.
This is Billie Jo. Hello.
Of course. Oh, well, I
You certainly have grown.
I can remember when the little boys used
to chase after you.
Now it's the big boys.
Hi, Billie Jo.
See what I mean.
Uh, Phil and Roger,
would you take my suitcases upstairs, please?
Steve, you're gonna have to go back to town.
There's no phone here,
and you have a lot of phone calls to make.
Check, M.J. Now, wait.
I want to go over the Hagen contracts first. Check, M.J.
M.J.?
That stands for Mary Jane,
like those big time executives talk
on those Doris Day movies.
Oh.
Oh, the contracts are in that suitcase.
Roger?
I'll need that bag.
Yes, ma'am.
My error.
They're-They're in the other one.
Phil?
I'll need the bag you have.
Right.
We'll have to go over the Cooper specifications, too.
They are in the other suitcase.
Roger?
I'll need that bag after all.
Yes, sir.
Ma'am.
Wow. She's terrific!
And that Doris Day thinks she's such a big executive.
Yeah.
Phew!
That bag is heavy.
Tell me, did Mary Jane hire you boys to work for her?
Oh, no, we're just helping out.
Mm-hmm.
Then why do you jump when she talks to you?
Well, that's because I don't know.
I guess it's the way she says it.
I want three copies of these new clauses.
Check, M.J.
You can take these bags upstairs now, boys.
Check, M.J.
You think you can get me a cup of coffee, Kate?
Check, M.J.
Well, how about it, Billie Jo?
Are you going to the dance with me Friday night?
Yeah, Bobbie Jo, what do you say?
Well, I hate to disappoint all those other fellows.
Me, too.
Great, then you're going with us.
Huh. And you girls were worried that nobody would ask you.
Okay, now, come on, stop playing games.
Is it a double date? Well
Excuse me. May I speak to you girls for a moment?
Why certainly, Mary Jane. Sure.
Look, there are a lot of old friends
that I want to see while I'm here,
but I'm on such a tight schedule, I need help.
Would you girls be interested in being my social secretary?
Oh, we'd love to.
Billie Jo, what about the dance?
Would you excuse the girls for a little while, please?
How do you like that?
First she's got us lugging
her suitcases all over the place,
and now she butts in just when we're dating the girls.
Yeah, well, no wonder she's still not married.
No guy with any backbone
would stand for anything like that.
Like what? Like the way she just treated us.
Uh, Wednesday, I'll have lunch with the people on list "A."
Uh, girls who graduated high school with her.
Uh-huh, and on Thursday,
I'll have dinner with the people on list "B."
Boys you used to date?
Yup, plus their wives.
Well, that brings us back to list "A" again.
Well, that's it, girls.
I know you'll do a good job.
Thank you. Not at all.
Oh, boy, I'd sure like to follow in her footsteps.
Yeah. She's great.
Well, how about the dance?
Dance? You should have asked us earlier.
We did, but you wouldn't give us an answer.
Well, a girl's entitled
to a little time to make up her mind.
And besides, we're Mary Jane's social secretaries now.
We're too busy for the dance.
Well, why don't you let us help,
and then maybe you won't be so busy?
Oh, no thank you, but if we think of something,
uh, we'll let you know.
For a couple of social secretaries,
you're certainly not very social.
You know, I'll bet if we had more experience as executives,
we could think of something for Phil and Roger to do.
I guess it takes practice.
I, uh, know you girls are very busy,
but somebody has to set the table.
Phil?
Roger?
What does she think she's doing?
Practicing to be an executive.
Oh.
Mary Jane is sure a human dynamo.
She's got that fella Steve hopping
like he was raised up on Mexican jumping beans.
And how about the way she's got you two hopping?
Between Hooterville and Hank Folsom's telephone.
We didn't even get any breakfast,
and here it is dinner time.
Oh. Well, come on inside.
I got pea soup, chicken salad,
corn fritters and loads of coffee.
Whoo, that sounds good!
That'll keep us going.
Oh, Charley and Floyd, it's good you're here.
You got to go right back to Hooterville.
What for?
Mary Jane's got some business.
She's got to make some calls.
Mary Jane, they're here.
I was just about to send Hector
with a message to fetch you.
Again? Uncle Joe, aren't you ashamed
the way you've been working that poor pigeon?
You're flying the wings off of him.
I'll bet he's put in more mileage than John Glenn.
Well, if he's gonna work
for a big business executive,
he's got to hold his end up.
Is that right, Hector?
Look like he's having trouble holding anything up.
Sorry to keep you waiting, but I'm ready now. Let's go.
Now, lookee here, Mary Jane Yes, Floyd?
Well, Charley and me just got here.
Oh. Your tie is crooked.
There. That's better.
Now what were you going to say to me?
Oh, well-well, uh, uh
let me carry this little suitcase.
What a woman.
She knows how to do things.
Yeah.
To every man around here.
I'm sweeping the lobby.
So I see,
but that happens to be Bobbie Jo's job.
Well, she told me to do it.
She's kind of busy in there.
Oh?
I think we should put these names in alphabetical order.
Check, BJB. I'll work on the "B" list.
Check, BJB.
Now, where's the "B" list?
BJB has it. Huh?
Betty Jo.
Oh. BJB.
Right.
Phil?
What is it?
Uh, run upstairs and get the "B" list from Betty Jo.
Now wait a minute.
You made me wash the dishes, clean the silver,
and now I'm doing the pots.
How much more an I supposed to do?
There now. What were you saying?
It's the fourth time today you straightened my tie.
Well, Phil, if you want me to have time
to go to the dance with you
All right. All right.
As soon as I finish the pots?
I still don't see why you're so upset.
Haven't you noticed the girls since Mary Jane came here?
Not exactly. I been too busy
keeping the communication system working.
What's the matter, Hector, can't you catch them today?
Uncle Joe, I'm trying to tell you
how the girls have been behaving.
How?
Roger, let's get with it!
That's how.
Oh, that.
Phil!
And that.
Born executives, that's what them girls are.
Carson blood's beginning to show through.
Well, it's time to apply a tourniquet.
I don't like what's happening to them.
Why not?
This might be the start of a great business career.
Look at Mary Jane.
That's just what I'm looking at.
Why, with their natural ability and my coaching,
the girls might turn the Shady Rest
into a national string of hotels.
North, south, east
Kate, you should've had another girl.
Phil! Roger!
Three's enough.
The invitations to the luncheon are ready.
You've got to take them into Hooterville.
But the train isn't here.
Uncle Joe, we need the Cannonball.
Send Hector out with a message.
Wait till I get through refueling him.
We can't wait.
He's got to go right out.
Okay, okay.
When you send the message,
make sure and tell Floyd and Charley to hurry.
You two, come upstairs.
I'll give you the invitations.
Oh, Phil.
Check with me before you go into Hooterville,
because I have some additional instructions.
Yes, BJ.
And, Roger, when you come down,
be sure to bring the "B" list with you.
Yes, BJ.
Wow.
I thought Mary Jane was one of a kind,
but looks like you breed them that way out here.
My girls were perfectly fine till a few days ago.
They've just been exposed to a bad example.
Now, don't you be too hard on Mary Jane.
She has a lot of wonderful qualities.
I was thinking mostly of you.
Me? What have I done?
Everything that Mary Jane tells you to, in double time.
Seeing you scramble every time Mary Jane snaps her fingers
is what's giving my girls big notions.
Oh, that.
Mm-hmm.
Um, answer me a question, Steve.
You're an intelligent man; You could always get a good job.
How come you don't stand up to that woman?
Answer me a question, Mrs. Bradley.
What's a fella do when he's in love with his boss?
Oh.
Have you told her that?
When would I get a chance?
Well, if you want her to be in love with you,
you're going about it in the worst possible way.
What do you mean?
Well, no woman can love a man who's always on his knees,
unless he happens to be proposing.
You got to make her have some respect for you.
Well, she's a little too big to spank.
Why don't you try cutting her down to size.
When she barks at you, bark back at her.
No, that wouldn't work with Mary Jane.
Hmm.
Well, that's up to you.
I-I didn't mean to be butting in.
The only reason I said so much was because of the girls.
Well, I understand, Mrs. Bradley, and I'm sorry.
Look, why don't you, uh, explain to the girls
what a big mistake they're making.
The way they feel about Mary Jane right now,
they'd be completely indifferent to anything I said.
No.
That's the worst thing I can do.
If you girls go on this way,
you'll be making a terrible mistake.
And I just got finished doing the worst thing I could do.
Mom, how could you be so old-fashioned?
Men like forceful, competent women.
Sure, look at Mary Jane.
She's surrounded by men.
They work for her.
That's just it.
When a woman's successful, she can be independent.
Men need her more than she needs them.
Hmm.
Well, it just shows that a mother's never too old to learn.
How wrong her children can be.
If ever a man stood up to her for a change,
you'd see who needs who the most.
But, Mom, you just don't understand what a man
Hi. Hi.
Have a good time in Hooterville?
Well, I spent most of it in a phone booth.
I'm afraid I have to leave tomorrow morning, Kate.
Oh, something wrong?
No, no, it's just business, but
Oh, Steve MJ
No, I'm going back to the office tomorrow morning.
Some new things have come up on the Hagan contract
that need immediate attention.
Well, um, why don't you let me handle it?
I know more about the Hagan contract than you do.
No. I'll feel better if I attend to it myself.
Girls, I'm sorry,
you're gonna have to cancel everything.
Well, uh, what about the award
that Hooterville was planning to give you?
Oh, Steve, you'll have to stay behind and accept it for me.
Well, I got to go upstairs.
There are a million things to take care of.
Well?
Well, just call me Rover.
Wait a minute, Mary Jane!
I want to have a word with you!
Girls, here's your chance to
find out about a woman executive
who's too much executive and not enough woman.
What did you want to tell me, Steve?
I'm really terribly busy.
Oh, you're busier than you think.
If you want that award, you're
going to have to accept it yourself.
What do you mean?
I mean I am fed up with being
vice president in charge of errands.
Every time you snap your fingers, I click my heels!
We sound like a pair of castanets,
and I don't like the tune we're playing!
Steve I'm I'm terribly sorry.
You are?
I had no idea you felt this way.
Well
maybe I should've told you this a long time ago.
Apparently, we never understood each other.
Apparently.
Well, then it's agreed.
You will accept the award.
Well, I guess I'll have to.
Since you won't be working for me anymore.
What?
Well, I certainly wouldn't want to keep you
on a job that's making you unhappy.
Are you firing me?
It looks like we're finally understanding each other.
Well, so much for theory.
We better start canceling those invitations.
Phil! Roger!
Well, Mrs. Bradley
certainly solved that problem.
Don't have to worry about
being in love with my boss anymore.
All I have to worry about now is finding a new one.
Steve, I'm terribly sorry.
No! We're finished taking orders,
and you can forget about the dance.
And I don't need anybody
to straighten my tie anymore, either.
It was never crooked in the first place.
It's a clip-on.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Bradley.
We were just saying good-bye to the girls.
Yeah, so I heard.
Uh, d-did I also hear that you're not
taking them to the dance?
Why?
Well, if you want to know the truth,
we don't have any strength for dancing.
Is that really the reason?
Well, if you want to know the honest truth,
before I dance with one of those girls,
I'd rather dance with him.
And I can't even follow.
Uh, boys, look, you mustn't feel this way.
Ha! Steve, where are you going?
Upstairs to pack.
Well, just a minute, please, huh?
Now, boys, you wait a minute, too.
Steve, you can't give up this way.
There's got to be something you can do.
I don't see why you're so worried about me.
You're in a worse fix, you know.
What do you mean?
I've only lost a Mary Jane;
you've gained three of them!
And what you did to Steve
was not very nice, Mary Jane.
That's my affair.
Even if you thought I acted
in the most outrageous manner,
why should you be concerned?
Because my three daughters are using you as a model,
and how did you know that was what I thought?
The way you treated Steve was no way to act
towards a man who cares for you.
Who cares for me?
Oh, no, he only cares for himself.
He is the most arrogant,
selfish, cruel man I've ever met.
Mary Jane
are you trying to tell me you're in love with him?
It's just about time somebody understood me.
Well, if you love him, why did you fire him?
Because he is the most arrogant, selfish
You're repeating yourself.
But it's true.
But did you hear the way he spoke to me
when I just just asked him to accept the award?
You mean when you told him to.
Now, what difference does that make?
Oh, it makes a lot of difference
to a man who loves you.
Yes, he does, Mary Jane.
And if you had any sense, you'd catch him
before he leaves and tell him you're sorry.
After the way he spoke to me?
No, absolutely not.
Sit down, Mary Jane, we're gonna have a little talk.
Look, Kate, it doesn't make any difference
what you say to me.
You know that I would never run after a man,
even if I loved him.
Oh, now we're gonna have a big talk.
Sit down.
You leaving?
Just as soon as the Cannonball gets here.
Look, have you girls seen Steve?
He's on the porch waiting for the Cannonball.
Where's Mary Jane?
She just went out on the front porch.
What is this, follow the leader?
You might call it that.
And if you pay close attention,
you're gonna see a new leader.
And can you ever forgive me
for the way I treated you?
Well, I'll think about it.
It'll all be different from now on.
And won't it, though?
I especially like that part
about your taking my last name
instead of my taking yours.
Now, darling, no more fussing.
Please?
"Pretty please."
Check, SR.
Golly, do you see that?
Yeah, and I heard it, too.
And I promise that I'll
I'll never give you another order.
Except one.
And what's that?
Kiss me.
Please?
Gee.
That's enough, girls.
You got the point.
But they're just getting to the best part.
Into the dining room, BJB.
And you, BJB.
And you, BJB.
That's an order from M-O-M.
Then, you're not leaving tomorrow
to take care of that business.
Oh, no, Steve will take care of it.
In fact, from now on, Steve
will take care of everything.
Yeah, especially you, darling.
You're smarter than I thought you were, Steve.
Most young fellas marry the boss's daughter.
You're marrying the boss.
Just, from now on, Steve's the boss.
Oh, let's not overdo it, Mary Jane.
You know the old saying.
"You put out your hand to a man"
"And he'll put a ring on it."
And no more orders, Bobbie Jo?
Oh, I promise.
All right, I'll accept your apology.
And from now, I'm the boss?
Whatever you say. You're sure now?
Oh, on my word of honor.
All right, I'll dance with you instead of Roger.
Well, Uncle Joe, looks like the women around here
are all through giving orders. Yeah.
Come on, I got a lot of work for you.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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