Gilligan's Island (1964) s01e36 Episode Script

1
["The ballad of gilligan's isle"]
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailing man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
five passengers set sail that day ♪
for a three hour tour ♪
a three hour tour ♪
[thunder rumbling]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper too ♪
the millionaire ♪
and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
and the rest ♪
are here on gilligan's isle ♪
Ooh.
Ahh.
Gilligan, don't you think
it's clever of the professor
to have thought of this carrier?
This is the way the Dutch girls carry milk.
No wonder they had
to wear wooden shoes.
And exactly what is
that supposed to mean?
Maybe one coconut weighs nothing.
Maybe two coconuts weigh nothing.
But 15 of these weigh something.
We've got enough coconuts here
to last six months.
- Well, let's get six more.
- There's no more left to get.
Gilligan, you're looking
in the wrong direction.
[Birds chirping]
Gilligan, I'll start back with these.
[Leaves crackling]
Sure. Gilligan, do this. Gilligan, do that.
Gilligan, go here, gilligan, go there.
Gilligan, get this. Gilligan, get that.
Mmm.
I could just rest all day and take it easy
if my name wasn't gilligan.
There's just five, and skipper said six.
Well, I'm not going to get him six.
Yeah, I'll get him six.
There it is.
Number six. Come on, baby.
Help!
[Thud]
(Gilligan) 'Help!'
gilligan, gilli?
Oh, my buddy. Oh, please!
I heard him shout,
skipper. What happened?
He must have fallen
out of the tree, professor.
- Oh!
- Easy now, gently, gently.
- Let's turn him over.
- Alright.
Oh, watch it now!
- There, there we go.
- Oh.
Doesn't seem to be any broken bones.
Probably had the wind
knocked out of him.
Oh, he-he said we had enough coconuts
and I made him climb and get more.
If anything happens to him,
I'll never forgive myself.
- Let's get him up.
- Yes, let's get him up.
[Groaning]
- Up, easy.
- There you are.
Ahh, oh!
Gilligan, gilligan. Take a deep breath.
But breathe through
your mouth, little buddy.
Take it easy, gilligan,
it's just a cold compress.
Oh, your poor, poor nose.
It really is an awful mess.
It's actually swollen to the
size of a 55-carat diamond.
- Oh.
- Please, Mrs. Howell.
Professor, it's broken, it's broken!
Gilligan, I'm sure it's just bruised.
- It's only slightly swollen.
- Slightly swollen?
You better look out for the
pelicans during mating season.
Ginger.
Professor, look, it's just
busted you can see
you ought to be happy to be alive.
You're lucky you fell on that soft sand.
- Soft? It's busted
- you know something?
This is the first real accident
since we were shipwrecked.
Big deal.
I think we should be prepared
for emergencies.
Yes, this could happen to any of us.
Please, my career.
I have a medical book.
I'm going to give everyone
lessons in first-aid.
That's a marvelous idea.
I used to be a nurse's aid.
Well, you should know something
about emergency treatment.
Uh, not really.
They took my picture
quite often pouring tea
but I didn't know very much about aiding.
I do make very good tea though.
How about you, ginger, have you
had any experience as a nurse?
No, but I'm sure I'd be wonderful at it.
I look very good in white.
Alright, gilligan, you just
apply this cold compress
and that should take the swelling down.
I feel like Pinocchio.
- Gilligan, you know that
- never mind, Mrs. Howell.
Let's get started on our first-aid lessons.
Come along, ladies. This way.
[Upbeat music]
Professor said to start
with the wrist and
be-be careful of that wrist, Mary Ann.
That's the hand that signs checks.
Now, ginger, suppose a man
is lying unconscious.
He's just suffered a severe
concussion, what would you do?
I'd give a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
- That wouldn't help.
- Wouldn't hurt.
You're supposed to cover him
with a blanket
to make sure he doesn't suffer
from shock.
And then I give him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Is this alright?
Oh, you don't need anything
quite so elaborate.
Don't think I'd have thurston
anything but gift-wrapped.
Our class will tell.
Now listen, an important
point is how you turn
an accident victim over.
Now, ginger, you place your hand
under Mr. Howell's shoulders.
Mrs. Howell, you place
your hands under his back.
And Mary Ann, under his knees.
Now, very gently, turn him over.
[All scream]
It's just a sprain, Mr. Howell.
It'll be better before
you go to bed tonight.
I hope so.
If it isn't, I won't be able
to cuddle my Teddy Properly.
(Mrs. Howell) 'Can you tell us what
we did wrong last time, professor?'
now, ladies
you're supposed to turn
the patient over gently.
You needn't push quite so hard.
Do you want me to help them.
Kind of roll over like something
- no, no, you're unconscious.
- Oh, that's right.
- Now, take it easy, girls.
- Okay.
- A little harder than that.
- Okay, push..
All together. One, two, three..
Help!
[Thud]
Now, it's just a sprain, skipper.
It'll be better before
you go to bed tonight.
Thanks, professor.
I must say we make
a handsome pair of bookends.
This is dreadful.
We're running out of victims.
Well, I guess, I'll have to do this myself.
Now, ladies.
I want you to listen to me very carefully.
And I want you to do exactly
what I tell you.
Don't worry, professor,
it's just a little sprain.
I'm sure it'll be better
before you go to bed tonight.
It's not the wrist I'm worried about.
I better exercise this knee
before it begins to stiffen up on me.
[Theme song tune]
I don't know whether my nose
is getting smaller
or my face is getting bigger.
Hi, skipper, what happened to you?
Oh, well, professor's giving
us a first-aid course
for emergencies,
but what he didn't say was
the first emergency
would be the first-aid course.
- How's the nose, little buddy?
- Terrible.
Professor said it'd be a while
before that swelling went down.
I think it'll stay this way.
I wasn't too handsome to begin with.
It's is like something
that should be hanging
in a delicatessen store.
It's all my fault.
I ordered you up that tree.
- Skipper, it's not your fault.
- It is.
And I'll never give you another order.
Skipper, you didn't make me fall.
Gilligan, no matter what you say..
I mean we're not aboard ship anymore.
It's my fault. I shouldn't give you orders.
And I'll never give you another order.
Skipper, it's all my fault.
It was mine, and that's an order.
- Aye aye, skip.. Oh!
- Ahh!
- Gilligan.
- Hi, prof..
Say how's that nose coming along?
What happened to you?
I didn't know broken arms
are contagious.
Our arms aren't broken,
gilligan, they're just sprain
from our first-aid course.
I wish you'd never found that
chapter in a medical book.
That medical book. Does it have
a chapter on operations?
I mean, could you, like,
fix my broken nose?
It must have, after that
chapter on first aid.
Gilligan, your nose isn't
broken, it's just bruised.
Now, you keep applying those
cold compresses..
No more water, I'll drown.
And in a few days,
the swelling will be gone.
No, it won't because
it's broken, we operate?
The professor says your nose
isn't broken, it isn't broken.
- Or else it would hurt right
- no!
See, it is broken. Ooh.
Gilligan, your nose isn't broken.
Keep saying it to yourself.
My nose isn't broken.
My nose isn't broken.
Skipper, I know your nose
isn't broken, my nose is broken.
- Hi, lovey.
- Oh, where have you been, dear?
I just finished your beautiful new sling.
Oh, thank you, yes.
I've just come from seeing gilligan.
Oh, it's terrible.
Every time I see that boy's
nose, I think of inflation.
Let me try on your new sling, darling.
Darling, be very, very careful.
Oh, that's nice.
There must be something
we can do for gilligan.
Maybe I should go over
and cheer him up.
After all, a nose isn't everything.
It is if you're an anteater.
- Oh! Oh! Lovey!
- Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
You know, I really must convince gilligan
that a nose doesn't make a man.
[Knocking on door]
- Come in.
- Oh, there you are, gilligan.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
I'm not hard to find.
Just look for my nose,
I'll be somewhere near it.
Yes. Now, let me take a good look at you.
No, Mrs. Howell, I'm a mess.
- Oh, au contraire!
- Is it that bad?
Au contraire means on the contrary.
I think your new nose is marvelous.
It really adds a great deal to your face.
Yeah, two pounds.
I mean, it fits your face so well.
You're much more attractive this way.
I am?
Oh yes, you're so rugged, so masculine.
- It's a real man's nose.
- I should hope so.
You never saw anything
like this on miss america.
It's true, but I think
you're very fortunate
to have had this accident.
This nose gives your face such strength.
Good, my face will need
a lot more strength
just to carry it around.
[Romantic music]
Hi, ginger.
- Can I sit down?
- Sure.
- What are you doing?
- I'm making a new fish trap.
Oh, you wouldn't have
to make a trap to catch me.
Huh?
You know, gilligan, th-there's
something about your face that..
I don't know it's Irresistible now.
- Must be my nose.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it's your nose, it's so, it's
- masculine?
- Exactly.
Your face is rugged now, it just
gives it so much strength.
That's exactly what Mrs. Howell said.
She's right. You've become
so attractive, gilligan.
You know You look like
cyrano de bergerac now.
- Cero who did brugia what?
- Cyrano de bergerac.
Oh, he was a man
with an odd-looking nose
and the most beautiful woman in
the world was in love with him.
- Roxanne.
- Oh, that's a beautiful name.
- Yeah, Roxanne.
- No, cyrano de bergerac.
You know, all through history,
women have been attracted
to men with interesting noses.
- My nose is interesting?
- Very.
- How about a little kiss?
- Sure.
Well..
How about a week from tomorrow?
A week from tomorrow?
Yeah, by then, my nose would
hurt if it touches you.
If a nose like this would make
girls throw themselves at me
I'd have busted it years ago.
Does make me look handsomer though.
[Knocking]
Come in.
- Hi, gilligan.
- Oh, hi, Mary Ann.
Tonight's gonna be a full moon,
I was wondering
if you'd like to take a walk with me.
Well, maybe so.
Gee, gilligan, I-I always
have liked you but..
- Well, somehow now, it's..
- It's my nose.
I guess you're right.
It's been that way down through history.
Take Roxanne and cyrano de bergerac.
Oh, that's right.
All three of them settled down
and lived happily ever after.
- All three of them?
- Uh-ha.
Roxanne, cyrano, and his nose.
Gilligan, I think it's wonderful
the way you've adjusted.
I know the accident
might've spoiled my looks.
Turns out I needed it.
- Until the night.
- Good.
I guess some guys got it,
and some guys don't.
It works like a charm, Mrs. Howell.
Gilligan really thinks he looks better now.
Yes, he believed every word.
It's lucky I'm a good actress.
- Mmm.
- Oh, that poor boy.
We've got to keep saying these things
until he gets used to his new looks.
Run along, girls. We mustn't let
gilligan know our plan.
[Insects chirping]
[Splash]
Professor, you got to fix my nose.
I don't like it anymore.
Everybody hates the way I look.
You just got to operate on me and fix it!
I'm afraid I've to operate after all.
I won't take no for an answer.
You got the medical book.
- Operate on my nose and fix it.
- Gilligan, I said I'd operate.
I don't care what you said.
Operate my nose and fix it.
Gilligan, I said I was going to operate.
- That's better.
- Yes.
I thought it was swollen,
but I was wrong.
We'll set up an operating room.
The girls will assist me, and I'll operate.
- You will?
- 'Yes.'
you prepare for surgery in the morning.
Professor, I'd be more than
happy to prepare for sur Gery?
- Hi, professor.
- Oh, gilligan.
I've got good news.
Just finished cooking up
an anesthetic for you.
- At is?
- Anesthetic.
For you to sleep during the operation.
If I sleep, I'll miss everything.
- Would you rather stay up?
- Keep cooking.
You see, gilligan.
There are various plants
and roots on this island
which are analgesic in nature
due to the presence
of nitrous oxide compounds.
In the concentrated form, they
make an effective anesthetic.
It figures.
- I think that's enough heat.
- You got the stuff?
- That's it.
- Yeah.
[Sniffing]
- I don't smell a thing.
- Gilligan, don't breathe that.
I don't feel a thing, I don't smell a thing.
'You know, professor.'
I was worried about the operation before
but I'm not worried anymore
because you're being so careful.
[Laughing]
Gilligan, I think you better sit down.
Why? I feel just fine.
It probably just needs
some more roots or flowers.
Are you sure this is
the stuff that's supposed
to work on me because
it doesn't have any effect..
- Come on, gilligan, hurry up.
- What's the hurry?
It's just the idea, I have
a wonderful surprise for you.
You have a surprise? What is it?
Fact that the professor's gonna
operate, there's no reason
why you shouldn't have
any shape nose you want.
- Instead of my own?
- Right.
How would it be to have
a nose like Cary Grant?
Or maybe Jack lemmon
or Jimmy Stewart.
- Or even Julie Andrews.
- No, not Julie Andrews.
I'd look pretty silly with a girl's nose.
With noses, it doesn't
make any difference.
Gilligan, boys and girls, it's all the same.
Yeah, but I have to powder
and everything.
Alright, forget that I mentioned
Julie Andrews's nose.
- But what about the others?
- Sounds great.
Well, wonderful. Come on, gilligan.
I think it's the right consistency now.
I've got this apron to keep him tidy.
- Very good ideas, gilligan.
- Skipper. What's that stuff?
Gilligan, this is Clay. We're
gonna make an exact duplicate
of your head, then we can try
different noses on it.
Would you like a nose like mine?
The ho well nose is special.
Doesn't look so special to me.
Not the looks, the nostrils.
We smell money for ten miles.
Ginger and Mary Ann are making
different noses so you'll have
something to choose from. Ginger
knows all the movie stars.
Mr. Howell, why don't you help
instead of just standing?
Alright. Oh, this is squishy.
I wonder, is this anything
like-like making mud pies?
Never made mud pies
when you were a kid?
Eh, no mother had
the Butler do it for me.
You sure missed a lot
when you were young. Ha ha.
Had its advantage.
He took my spankings too.
I wonder if Michelangelo
got started this way.
(Gilligan) Hm. Skipper
was right. It did dry fast.
I better go tell them
it's ready to come off.
We've got enough Clay
for a dozen noses.
Unless we try for Jimmy durante.
Ginger.
What is it?
(Gilligan) Have you seen the skipper?
Ah!
Wonder what scared them?
What is it?
Oh, it's still after us. Ah!
[Knocking on door]
Come in. Ah!
Get.. Ah, get away from me
y-y-you thing! Ah!
What's the matter with her?
What's got into everybody?
Ah!
What's the matter
with you running around
frightening women
the way you've been doing.
I'm sorry, skipper,
but I couldn't find myself.
Mr. Howell, if you'll help me,
I think this is dry to remove.
Skipper, would you make
a statue of me like this?
Not just the head
but the whole big adorable me.
Why certainly, Mr. Howell.
My gosh. I forgot to put a divider in this.
A divider?
A cardboard piece down the middle
to separate in two parts and take it off.
You can't get me out of here?
Take it easy now, little buddy.
Take it easy.
It'll save your time combing
your hair in the morning.
- Let me out of here.
- Gilligan, just a moment.
Gilligan?
Gilligan, are you alright?
Yes. But make sure you stop
when you get to the real meat.
Of course, little buddy
you were right, skipper.
It looks just like me.
Your noses, sir.
'Ah.'
me with Richard Burton's nose.
Just think how close
it's been to Elizabeth Taylor.
(Mrs. Howell) This is terribly exciting.
(Ginger) Reminds me of
a part I played as a nurse.
That scene had a happy ending.
Maybe the same will happen to me.
I doubt it. That patient had twins.
- Everyone ready?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes.
No.
Look, maybe if I bared you
like Dr. Beth Casey, huh?
(Mr. Howell) Well, if he's
gonna look like Dr. Casey.
I'm gonna look like Dr. Zorba.
(Professor) Mr. Howell, will you
please administer the anesthetic.
Mrs. Howell, you be the head nurse.
Ginger, Mary Ann,
you assist Mrs. Howell.
(Skipper) What do I do, professor?
'You got the medical book, skipper.'
you hold it up while
I read the instructions.
[Gasping]
So whatever you do,
don't skip two pages
or this boy will be minus his appendix.
Maybe we'll wait till tomorrow. I think
(professor) We're set. Mr. Howell,
please administer the anesthetic.
Uh, you just breathe deep
gilligan, like this.
Take a nice deep breath of this
a-and you.. Oh, my goodness.
I feel faint.
Thurston's always been very squeamish.
I remember he passed out
when I had my ears pierced.
- You better attend to him.
- Yeah.
You better attend to him, and we
can take this all over tomorrow.
- Just relax, little buddy.
- Perfectly alright.
Now skipper, will you administer
the anesthetic, please?
Certainly.
Gilligan, count backwards from a 100.
100, 99, 98, 97, 96, 90, uh..
- 95.
- 95, 94, 93.
73, 72, 71.
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
- Sponge.
- Sponge.
- My book.
- The book.
[Muttering indistinctly]
[Exhales]
Hey, skipper, what time is it?
Gilligan.
It's a minute and a half later
than the last time you asked me.
Skipper, you realize.
At 10 o'clock today, that'll be five days
and the professor will take
the bandage off.
I know.
Uh.
Skipper, what time is it?
Let's get up and go see the professor.
Maybe he'll give you
an hour off for good behavior.
Yes.
- Can hardly wait.
- Just hold still a minute.
(Gilligan) Hurry, hurry, hurry.
[All exclaim] Ah!
- Beautiful.
- Marvelous.
- Perfect.
- Lemme see. Lemme see.
I don't understand.
I-It's my old nose.
I tried to tell you it wasn't broken.
Wait until the swelling reduced.
You were too upset to wait.
We just pretended
to give you that operation.
While you slept, the professor
put a bandage on
so it would heal.
- Ah.
- You sound disappointed.
Well, naturally. I was expecting
Richard Burton.
And I got me.
Your driver, Mr. Howell.
Thank you, boy. Stand aside.
Alright, captain. Here you are.
Ah. Not bad, not bad at all.
Let's see you try, skipper.
Watch this.
- Your ball, skipper.
- Thanks so much, gilligan.
Keep your eye on this one.
Load of warning here, eh.
- Where did it go?
- Oh. It's right there, skipper.
- Maybe you need a bigger ball.
- Thanks, gilligan.
No, skipper, please.
Let me give you the lesson.
I know you're a big fellow
and you've lot of muscles,
strong baby feet.
Just swing. Remember, it's
with the wrist and the arm.
Away we go. This time, way back,
big back swing.
(Professor) 'Oh.'
(gilligan) 'Oh, no, right in the nose.'
my poor little buddy.
Sorry, professor.
Mr. Howell was teaching me
a proper back swing.
- Did I hurt you?
- I don't know.
I just came over to join the game.
Professor, don't you worry.
I know just what to do.
- Does it hurt there?
- Ah!
Doctor gilligan to surgery.
Doctor gilligan to surgery.
Now this is the tale of the castaways ♪
they're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in the tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no lights, no motorcars ♪
not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from seven stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪