Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e37 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Can you walk?
The sooner I get up there, the better.
I'll have you up there in no time.
Easy now. Here's the stairs.
Easy now. Watch that first step.
Oh. Careful.
Stair. Okay.
There you go.
Right this way, Dr. Rhone.
Mom's upstairs in her room.
Oh, hi, Doc.
In my opinion, Kate suffered a minor twist
in the lower left extremity.
Technically, the ankle.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Take over, Doc. You're on your own.
Well, Kate
it isn't a break, but it is a real bad sprain.
You're gonna have to be right in that bed
for the next three or four days.
But, Doc, that's impossible
with all the things I got to do.
Especially with Mr. Feasel coming about that convention.
Why, I can't afford to be out of
commission three or four days.
Not even one day.
Kate, we'll be here to look after things.
Not even ten minutes.
That's not fair, Mom.
We can run the hotel just fine without you.
You will run it into bankruptcy.
Doc, don't just stand there cure me.
I'm sorry, Kate, but the only cure for that foot
is complete rest.
Or, the same thing could happen to you
that happened to that ornery female
over at Ned Crocker's.
Yeah, she got back on her feet
too soon after a sprained ankle.
She'll never wear a shoe on that foot again.
You hear that, Mom?
Poor Mrs. Crocker.
Oh, not Ned's wife; His mule.
Look, Doc.
Oh, Mrs. Crocker's trouble is gall bladder.
Her feet are in pretty good shape though, considering.
Doc, I may not have as many feet
as some of your patients,
but I gotta get on mine right away
or the Shady Rest Hotel is gonna be in nothing but trouble.
Well, I'm sorry, Kate,
but you are stuck right there in that bed.
Mom, give us a chance.
We won't let you down I promise.
Scout's honor.
All right. I have no choice.
I leave the running of the hotel in your hands.
Just don't squeeze the stuffing out of it.
Oh, you won't have to worry about a thing, Mom.
Oh, Kate I'm real proud of you.
I'm glad to see you aren't as stubborn as my last patient.
Thanks, Doc.
Your last patient with a sprained ankle
was Ned Crocker's mule.
No, my last patient was Ned Crocker.
That's the way the mule sprained her ankle kicking Ned.
Oh All right, everyone.
Come on, come on, all of you gotta get out.
I want to bandage that ankle come on.
Mom, don't worry about a thing.
When Mr. Feasel gets here, we'll bowl him over.
Oh, that's nice going, Billie Jo.
That should make your mother feel better.
I'll take care of the whole shebang, Kate.
Watch it, Joe. Watch it.
You want her to have a relapse?
All right now, get out. Go on. All of you.
Don't worry.
Poor Ma isn't there something else we can do for her?
You bet there is just live up
to half the promises we made
about making money for the hotel.
There's no problem; I been doing it for years.
Making money for the hotel?
No, living up to half the promises I made about it.
From now on, girls, this hotel is gonna live dangerously.
What do you mean?
Oh, we'll put in cleaning and valet service.
Paint the rooms all them fancy colors,
and bring in some classy entertainment,
like I've always wanted.
And that's just the beginning.
Mom won't like it.
Girls
You're mother is a fine little well-meaning woman
and I hate to put it this way,
but let's be honest.
What happened to your mother's foot was a sprain,
but to the Shady Rest Hotel, it could be a shot in the arm.
Billie Jo, I don't know about this color scheme.
Lavender and magenta?
Uncle Joe says if it's good enough for the Hilton Istanbul,
it's good enough for us.
Uncle Joe just got off the Cannonball.
Good.
And he's got a cute-looking fellow with him.
Even better.
Hey, he's a doll.
I wonder who he is!
He's not from around here.
How can you tell?
Betty Jo, can you imagine a dream of a fellow like that
in a radius of 500 miles that I haven't met?
You're right. He's not from around here.
Old Smoky, all covered with snow ♪
Howdy, ladies.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Elgin Harner.
Known as the Smoky Mountain Songbird,
and I'm mighty pleased to meet y'all.
Entertainer! Oh, how exciting!
How 'bout that.
Entertainer, huh?
Where was he entertaining? The Hooterville pool hall?
Well, as a matter of fact, it was a bowling alley.
That's because you're between engagements, right, Smokey?
That's right, Mr. Joe.
I was just warming up for my appearance next month
at the beautiful new Green Dragon Club
in Chicken Run, Tennessee.
Uncle Joe, are you planning to tell Mom about this?
Well, as a matter of fact, I, uh
Well, I, uh No?
I'll admit that's close.
But this is Mom's hotel, and she oughta be the one
Now, child,
to this hotel I'm gonna be an absolute necessity.
Aw, come on.
You show me a hotel with a singing guitar player,
and I'll show you a hotel
that's fighting off conventions
with a baseball bat.
No kidding?
Well, for true, my little black-eyed Susan.
Good food and surroundings
ain't nothing for them convention fellers.
They got to have entertainment.
And it's up to the hotel they's
staying at to give it to 'em.
Well, that makes some sense, I guess.
Well, thank you, ma'am, for your enthusiastic welcome.
I'll accept the job.
Huh?
Well, I gotta have $50 a week,
a private suite and meals served in my room.
We'll give you $10 a week, a room in the back
and you'll eat in the kitchen.
I'll take it.
Wonderful. Congratulations.
Thank you.
Now, let's get back to work.
Mr. Feasel will be here in about 48 hours.
And when he gets here,
I want him to find this hotel a paradise.
Uncle Joe
Next time you get an idea like redecorating
this whole lobby in one day, do me a favor.
What? Drop it.
Drat it, Kate, what did you have to go and be
so darn clumsy and get us into all this mess for?
Yeah, Mom. Why?
The doctor says she'll have to stay in bed
for at least another three days.
Then there's only one thing to do.
What? Get a new doctor.
Is the hotel really in such bad shape?
I mean, we've only been running it since yesterday.
How long could it take to get it back to normal?
Well, I figure, if we work both day and night,
including Sundays, about a month.
We gotta figure out something to do
before that miserable old crank Feasel gets here.
Have you got a room for a miserable old crank?
The name is Hurley Feasel.
Oh, Mr. Feasel.
Welcome to the Shady Rest Hotel.
Say, w-what a coincidence. We were discussing another
miserable old crank named Feasel.
I mean, another Mr. Feasel.
He-he's a pig breeder over in Hooterville.
You know him?
No, and neither do you.
Gee, Mr. Feasel, we didn't expect you until tomorrow, sir.
Yes, I know.
I always show up before I'm expected.
Catches people off-guard.
It's what I call a sharp business maneuver.
It's what I call a sneaky trick.
Billie Jo! Shh!
No, she's right.
It is a low, sneaky trick.
Ah, keep your eye on that child.
She shows promise.
Now, uh, let me have the key to my room.
I want to clean up a bit before I check
every last inch of this place
for my company's, uh, uh, convention,
And what I've seen so far is extremely tacky.
Oh, we aim to please.
Uh, room three, Mr. Feasel.
Our very best.
Oh, no, not that one.
That's the one I painted purple and chartreuse.
It turned out kind of sickly.
Room No.
Not five either.
I aired it out last night and forgot to close the window.
I don't think Mr. Feasel would like an owl for a roommate.
Well, well, what's going on?
What room do I get?
Uh Nine?
Room nine, Mr. Feasel,
the only one we haven't had a chance to wreck uh, ruin.
You'll love it.
The only thing I'll love right now
is a nice, relaxing bath.
You'll love our bathtub.
It's a corker.
It better be.
At least we got through that.
I'm sure glad he didn't say he wanted a hot bath.
Did I tell you the funny thing that happened this morning
while I fixed my hot water heater?
We need the money that convention'll bring in,
Uncle Joe, and I'm counting on you.
Whatever Mr. Feasel wants, see that he gets it.
Oh!
He just got it.
That sounded like Mr. Feasel screaming.
Screaming with delight.
I've never seen a man that enjoyed his bath so much.
On top of Old Smoky ♪
All covered with ♪
What was that?
Smokey Harner, Smoky Mountain Songbird.
An entertainer?
Oh, but you show me a hotel with snappy entertainment,
and I'll show you a hotel that's fighting off conventions
with a baseball bat.
You know something?
You're right. Makes sense.
I gotta hand it to you all.
You're a lot smarter than your punkin-headed old mother.
Huh. Well, uh, we better go now, Mom.
Of all the baths I've ever taken,
that was, without question
Goodness, I never heard anybody get so much out of a bath
as Mr. Feasel.
Oh, it's for Mr. Feasel.
I figured after his ice cold bath,
he'd be in the mood for some piping hot tea.
Yeah, poor fella.
From top to toe, absolutely the bluest man I ever saw.
By the way, where is the old human icicle?
Betty Jo is out in back showing him our picnic area.
It might be a good place to hold the meetings,
if we get the convention.
And, boy, have I got my fingers crossed.
Aw, relax, honey, it's a cinch.
I'll admit we got started on the wrong foot to begin with,
but with you girls charming him,
me out-braining him, and our secret weapon,
the Smoky Mountain Songbird entertaining him,
he's a setting duck.
Duck? Did I hear somebody say duck?
Oh, the way I like mine is roasted,
with plenty of yams and grits.
Now, listen, Smokey
Well, now! This'll tide me over till the duck's ready.
Get away from that.
We hired you to entertain Mr. Feasel,
and so far all you've done is eat.
Yeah, you've been here one night and 11 meals.
Well, I'm just trying to build up my strength
for my big performance.
Here, now, how 'bout one of them cookies?
Well, the only thing I had since breakfast is lunch.
No! Not until you've worked for it.
You can start right now, 'cause Mr. Feasel's coming.
Right now?
Right. It better be good
to make up for all your eating.
Well, now, I'd dearly love to do it; I would.
Uh, but, uh, see, uh,
well, I got this sudden pain in my plinkin' hand.
Also my plunkin' hand.
Ooh-ee, it smarts.
They didn't hurt when you reached for the cookies.
Oh, man, now, maybe that's how, who I damaged them.
Best I go upstairs and soak 'em.
Smokey, just forget the plunking and plinking and sing.
Oh, I can't do it, Mr. Joe.
A injured hand always clobbers my voice.
Ooh-ee. Ooh!
Uh, Mr. Feasel, how did you like the lovely grounds
of the lovely Shady Rest Hotel?
Lovely, eh?
Oh, lovely.
Lovely freezing water, lovely
confusion at the front desk
In fact, Mr. Carson, everything around here
is so lovely that nothing could possibly make it worse.
Here, Mr. Feasel, have some cookies.
We made 'em ourselves.
And they're typical of the fine food that you get
here at the Shady Rest.
Oh!
All right, so I was wrong!
There is something that could make it worse,
and I just bit it!
Well, our star boarder is
finally tucked away for the night,
fresh laundry and all.
Fresh laundry?
Sure, right after he almost choked
on that overcooked disaster known as dinner,
he asked if the laundry and valet service
would wash and iron some of his clothes for him in a hurry.
They got all wrinkled in his
suitcase on the trip down here.
You did it quick, didn't you?
I promised him half-hour service
with no extra charge for starch.
You bet I did it quick.
His clothes were back in his room in exactly 29 minutes
with plenty of starch
that we won't be able to charge him for.
I'm happy to report that's the last I've heard from him.
Until now.
Oh, no, he's not back in that bathtub again.
Mr. Feasel!
Mr. Feasel, what's wrong?
Miss Bradley, about the three tons of starch
you put in my laundry
Oh, there's no extra charge.
Policy of the house.
Oh, goody.
And another thing There's more?
Oodles more.
If there's one thing I can't stand as a roommate,
it's an owl.
Darn it. He changed rooms.
What?!
There's no extra charge. Policy of the house.
Goody gumdrop.
And I trust there will be no extra charge
for my early checkout in the morning,
before dawn, if possible?
And without breakfast.
You're leaving, Mr. Feasel?
Before they carry me out.
Are you sure this place isn't the local branch
of Devil's Island?
Oh, hi, folks.
Had to make a call over at Ned Crocker's.
His mule's better, but his wife's got the miseries now.
Thought I'd walk over and look in on Kate.
Oh, Dr. Rhone, you've gotta get Mom back in shape!
Doc, what's new in the world of miracle cures?
If Mom fixed him one of her
special breakfasts in the morning,
maybe she could get Mr. Feasel to still change his mind.
I have no idea what you're all blabbing about.
But I can tell you one thing.
I am not gonna let my patient back on her feet
until she is completely cured.
I told you there is no shortcut, you know.
She's practically perfect by now, Doc.
This morning, her groaning sounded much healthier.
Well, I'll take a look at her.
You know, Kate, I just can't figure this
Unless it's plain grit or orneriness
But did you know that ankle is 100% cured?
And it's at least two days quicker than I expected.
You mean that I can get out of bed?
Well, sure. Right now, if you want to.
Oh, boy, do I want to! Easy now.
Doc, you want to dance?
Well, I No, no.
You probably know only those old-fashioned steps.
I wanna do some of the new ones
like the Cha-Cha-Cha, or maybe the Big Apple, huh?
I tell you, Kate, that family of yours down there
is gonna be awful glad when I tell
'em you're back on your feet again.
Oh, they sure will, but
Doc, no, Doc, don't tell 'em.
Hmm? No, no, not right now.
Not for a few days.
Don't tell them?
What are you doing, Kate,
trying to make them suffer or something?
No, no, just the opposite.
I-I, uh, I-I just want them to, to feel better.
You see, this is the first time in their lives
that they have ever done anything on their own
without me standing behind them
telling them what to do.
Yeah, you are the bossy type, all right I'll admit that.
Well, I figured you would.
But, you know, at first,
I didn't think they could get along without me.
But look at the way the hotel is running, smooth as silk.
Now, I just want them to enjoy their victory
for a little longer.
Well, Kate
Now, now, you are not to say one word
about my foot being cured.
I'm gonna stay here for another two or three days
and let them enjoy themselves.
And I'm gonna enjoy myself, too.
I got a whole pile of Billie Jo's movie magazines
that I haven't even touched.
All right, Kate, all right.
Well, uh, good night, everyone.
Good night, Doctor. Good night.
Thanks, Doc.
I guess.
Three more days in bed.
That's positively inhuman.
Uncle Joe, the only thing that really counts
is Mom's health.
And we'll just have to solve our
problems without her, all right?
All right.
You know anything about hari-kari?
Oh, Joe Just a passing thought.
Well, we're not going to give up yet.
We're going to take one last stab
at making Mr. Feasel change his mind.
And I know exactly the weapon we're going to use.
A heavy blunt instrument?
Smokey Harner.
You mean, he's gonna hit old Feasel over the head
with a heavy blunt instrument?
No, he's going to sing to Mr. Feasel.
Oh, gee, Billie Jo, I don't know.
Why not? It's worth a try.
They say that music soothes the savage beast.
That's true.
And old Feasel's about a savage a beast
as you're likely to find.
Come on, Smokey.
I just can't, Miss Betty Jo.
You got to understand, I'm a serious artist.
I ain't accustomed to singing afore eating breakfast.
You'll sing before breakfast
or you'll be empty after lunch.
Honey, look, I dearly love to sing.
Night or day, what's the difference?
Shh! Smokey, are you ready?
Mr. Feasel's about to come down the stairs.
Well, just a minute.
I'll I'll see.
Mi, mi He's ready. Sing, songbird.
Mi-mi-mi, mi
On top of Old Smokey, all covered with snow ♪
I lost my true lover from a-courtin' too slow ♪
Stop it!
On top of Old Stop it, I tell you!
But Mr. Weasel, sir!
The name is Fister Feasel, sir.
I mean, Fister Measel.
The name is Mr. Weasel and stop playing that song!
But, but I
There are a lot of songs I hate,
but that is the one I hate the best!
Quick, Smokey, sing something else.
Well, I can't.
That's the only song I got in my repertoire.
No. Yes.
But I thought you were gonna sing in a club
in Chicken Run, Tennessee.
Well, Chicken Run's a very small town.
This hotel is the daffiest place I have ever run across.
And I've done some mighty daffy runnin' acrossin'.
Good-bye.
Well
Oh, now, now, look, ladies,
I can explain everything; Honest, I can.
On top of Old Smoke ♪
Mom's bound to find out about this sooner or later.
Later's the best.
By that time, she'll be as strong as an ox again
and the shock won't hit her so hard.
That makes sense.
Naturally.
It's the right idea, ain't it?
Some idea.
Mom's not gonna be as strong as an ox by tonight,
and that's when you told her
Mr. Feasel would be back with the convention.
That's true.
I said my idea was right, not perfect.
Poor Mom.
She's doomed.
The shock's liable to keep her in bed for weeks.
Wait a minute There is a way to keep her
from finding out the truth for a couple of days
until she gets her strength back.
Now listen carefully.
Here's the idea
Mom's stuck up in bed alone, and what we have to do
Then Jeffrey drew her closely to him
and whispered hoarsely in her ear
Wait a minute.
Do you hear something?
Is that all he can think of at a time like that
to whisper hoarsely in her ear?
No, Mom, what I meant was I thought
I heard something downstairs.
Maybe it's those madcap conventioneers.
You know, this is about the time they should be arriving.
Oh, I sure hope so.
You know, I won't be at rest until they get here.
You'd be amazed at the things that could happen
It's them! They're here!
Oh, and it sounds like they're having a great time
for themselves, if you ask me.
Wow, there must be 40 of 'em, Mom!
"Oh, wow" is right.
Quite a racket, huh, Mom?
Well, it may sound like a racket to you, Billie Jo,
but to me it sounds like money in the bank.
I'd better go down and make sure
all those wonderful generous conventioneers
are taken care of.
Yeah, why don't you kiss
a couple of the nicer-looking ones for me
in a very ladylike way, of course.
Of course.
She fell for it, huh?
Like a ton of hotel owners.
Billie Jo, you're a genius!
Well, I wouldn't say that, but I'm glad you did.
Now then, in a few minutes,
we'll quiet down and I'll go upstairs and I'll tell Mom
the conventioneers are outside
having their meeting about business
If there's anything I love, it's a party.
Well, hello, folks.
Mr. Feasel!
We thought we'd never see you again.
Mr. Feasel, I'm Kate Bradley.
How do you do?
Won't you sit down? Thank you.
Betty Jo, get a plate and napkins, some silver.
Now, I decided
to hold the convention here after all.
But I thought you hated this hotel.
I do.
But, you see, the 40 men who will be coming here
for the convention are trainees young, new salesmen
who will be going out on the road for my company.
Yeah, but what does that got to do with?
Well, I figure the best thing to do
is give them a couple days of this hotel.
After that, they'll be able to stand anything.
Wait'll they taste this food.
Why, it's, uh uh uh
Good heavens, it's delicious.
Why, it's marvelous.
Why, it's the best chicken and dumplings I ever tasted.
Well, thank you.
What happened?
Oh, this is terrible!
You've ruined everything!
Oh!
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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