Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e38 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
What's the rush?
Oh, I got to beat my sisters up to the hotel.
I want to see the look on Mom's face
when she gets a load of Billie Jo's new dress.
Yeah, that ought to be right entertaining.
That's what I figured.
So long. Bye, honey.
Hey, Betty Jo, don't forget the mail!
Thanks, Floyd.
What was that?
A blur, otherwise known as our baby sister.
Well here goes, and wish me a lot of luck.
Sure, but you're gonna need an awful lot of it.
You know, that dress is much too tight.
Mom's never gonna let you keep it.
Well, it's all a matter of psychology.
Come on and see.
Mom, will you take a look at this dress?
Don't you think I ought to take
it back and get a size smaller?
Oh, no, I don't think so.
But, Mom, it hangs on me like a burlap sack.
I don't think so.
Well, all right, if you say so.
I'll keep it.
No, you won't. You'll take it back
and exchange it for one two sizes larger.
Mom.
You'll do as I say or you won't keep it at all.
Gee, Mom.
All right, get one one size larger.
Mom, thank you.
You know, I had this planned so cleverly.
Something went wrong.
Well, next time, make sure you don't use
the same psychology tricks I used when I was your age.
I knew you'd do it, Mom, I just didn't know how.
I say, jolly good show, smashing.
Well, have to get cracking.
Ta-ta.
Anything for me, Uncle Joe?
No, couple here for some fella named Shady Rest Hotel.
Wouldn't it be easier if you opened it up and read it?
I'll bet you a nickel this one's a bill.
Uh-uh, the odds are too much in your favor.
Some company wants us to buy a couple of minks,
start a mink farm.
Hey, that wouldn't be a bad idea
Breeding mink coats.
Did they tell you where to buy the silkworms?
Silkworms?
So we can breed linings for the coat.
Taking them wisecracking pills again, huh?
Here's one for you marked "personal."
Oh.
Oh, it's a reservation.
Well, that's good news.
Says she'll be here on the 1:00 train.
Well, it must be about 3:00 now.
She'll probably arrive on that 2:30 run at 5:00.
If it's on time.
Who's the new guest?
Adelaide Keane.
You know anybody by that name?
Miss Keane?
Is she coming here, old Genghis Keane herself?
Genghis Keane?
Yeah, she was the teacher who was so strict
her pupils nicknamed her after Genghis Khan
You know, the roughest, toughest barbarian
- that ever lived.
- Oh.
The names you give your teachers.
Why, when I went to school, we had some resp
Wait a minute.
Miss Keane was my teacher, too.
Well, what do you know?
Old Genghis is coming here.
Didn't she retire a year ago?
Uh-huh, she said she was going to travel.
Wait till Billie Jo hears about this.
Miss Keane used to give her an awful hard time.
I remember once she caught me chewing on a pencil
and she kept me after school
until I chewed up the whole box of pencils.
Well, I never chewed on one since.
Well, if you think that's something, Mom,
you should have been there the day
that she caught someone chewing gum in my class.
She made him stand and face the blackboard for 15 minutes.
Well, sounds like he deserved it.
Mom, this was another teacher.
Oh.
Well, she was pretty strict, all right,
but she was the best teacher that Hooterville ever had.
She sure was.
Remember the big testimonial dinner
they gave for her retirement?
Oh, that was a big event.
What'd they present her with gold whip?
Now watch.
She's going to take over like she owns the place.
She'll demand the best room in the hotel,
prompt service, and
Miss Keane, how nice to see you.
Welcome to Shady Rest.
Hello, Katherine.
It's nice of you to accept me as a guest.
Nice of us?
It's, it's an honor to have you here.
Hello, Miss Keane.
Hello, Bobbie Jo.
Hello, Miss Keane.
Billie Jo, how nice to see you.
And, uh, you already know Uncle Joe,
and that's my youngest, Betty Jo.
How do you do, Betty Jo?
How do you do, Miss Keane?
You're looking very well.
Oh, there's no need to be polite, dear.
Oh, b U-Uncle Joe,
would you show Miss Keane to room 12?
Sure, Kate.
Watch her spring into action
when I tell her supper is going to be late.
Oh, Miss Keane, uh,
supper is going to be a little late tonight.
That's perfectly all right.
Sure had her spotted, Kate.
She's real terrifying.
That's who you nicknamed Genghis Keane?
That timid little old lady?
I can't understand it.
Well, she must have gotten into that mood
from all that traveling.
Well, there's only one thing to do.
We got to snap her out of it.
Mom, that's going to take a lot of snapping.
She's coming down, Mom.
Oh, I'm glad.
What's holding up supper, Kate?
You got four starving loafers here.
Well, just tighten up your belts for a few minutes.
We got to try and get that poor woman
riled up enough to insult one of us.
Come on, girls.
Are you ready for supper, Miss Keane?
Oh, yes, but I don't seem
to have much of an appetite these days.
Oh, well, um, have you ever tried
chewing on a pencil like this, Miss Keane?
Well, if you think it would help.
Those pills I've been taking don't seem
to be doing me any good.
How do you like my new dress, Miss Keane?
It's very pretty, dear.
It's a nice color, too.
Is that gum you're chewing and pulling out of your mouth?
Yes, it is, it's gum.
Disgusting.
Could I have a stick after supper, please?
I don't think a stick of gum's going to do it.
We may have to try a stick of dynamite.
Did Miss Keane get her glass of warm milk, dear?
Yes, but she didn't drink it.
She got too involved
in helping Betty Jo with her homework.
Why is she bothering that poor woman?
Oh, well, because Betty Jo is having a little trouble
with her algebra, and she heard us all talking
about what a great teacher Miss Keane is.
Mm.
What's the matter, dear?
I just made a terrible mistake.
I asked Miss Keane to give me
a little help with my homework.
That's not the thing to do.
You said it.
What she gave me was a lot of help.
And Mom, were you ever right about Miss Keane as a teacher.
She's the toughest thing this side of the railroad tracks.
Bobbie Jo, you go up to Miss Keane
and ask her for help on your homework, too.
But, Mom, I don't need any help.
Oh, yes, you do, now go on and get it.
Mom, I'm an "A" student.
Not anymore.
From now on, you're a struggling C-minus.
Oh, I get it.
Struggling C-minus student Bobbie Jo Bradley
ready to report to active duty to Miss Keane's room.
Good girl.
Oh, hi, Mom, Billie, come on in, please.
Back to your work, Betty Jo.
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, Katherine, what is it?
Oh, I just wondered
if you knew it was getting late.
Thank you for the information.
Anything else?
Don't you want some sleep?
No. I do.
Katherine, you're disrupting us.
Can't you see that?
Now, unless you're prepared to take charge
of these sadly neglected studies, please leave.
Yes, ma'am, Miss Keane, gladly, gladly.
Mom, are you going to let Miss Keane insult you that way?
Well, until she finds another way,
that way's going to do just fine.
Just fine.
Good morning.
Morning. Did Miss Keane come down yet?
She just went into the dining room.
What's the matter with you girls?
Don't you feel well?
We're bushed, Mom.
Last night was our third tour of duty.
How about sending in some replacements?
We're getting battle fatigue.
Now, girls
you should be happy about doing a good deed.
Allowing Miss Keane to help you is just what she needs
to get back some of her confidence.
She may be getting back hers, but we're losing ours.
And she's worked out a plan of attack for us
for every night next week.
Genghis Keane rides again.
Billie Jo, I will not have you calling her that name.
I'm sorry.
Betty Jo, you bring in the coffee.
Genghis is waiting I mean Miss Keane is waiting.
You may be seated now.
Yes, ma'am.
Gentlemen will be gentlemen as long as I am a guest here.
What happened, what's wrong?
Didn't you know, Kate?
Gentlemen always rise when a lady enters a room
and they don't set down until a lady has sat.
Oh.
I like that.
I think this could be fun.
Now, Betty Jo, stop that.
Uncle Joe is right, Betty Jo.
I just wanted to see if it would work.
Well, did you sleep well, Miss Keane?
I'm getting the best sleep I've had in years.
What's going on?
I've decided it's time
the men around here acted like gentlemen.
Now, just a minute.
Don't nobody tell me I ain't no gentleman.
Joseph Carson, do you realize
you've accomplished the impossible?
"Don't nobody tell me I ain't no gentleman."
Four negatives in an eight-word sentence.
Did you hear that, Mort?
I ain't never had no education neither.
Obviously.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
You may be seated, Billie Jo.
Now we can begin our breakfast.
Oh, not yet, Miss Keane.
Charley and Floyd aren't here.
Don't they know when you serve breakfast?
Oh, yes, but they're always a little late.
Perhaps if they missed a meal or two,
they'd learn to be on time.
Now, Billie Jo, as soon as we finish eating,
we'll, uh, start a course of study for you.
Mom.
I think it's a good idea.
Kate, could I talk to you for a minute?
Don't bother about getting up.
It's only me.
What's the matter, Uncle Joe?
That visiting demon
from the world of books and rules.
That's what's the matter.
You gotta get rid of her, Kate.
She's ruining everything around here.
Uncle Joe, I-I know she has been hard
on the family. It ain't just the family.
She's ruining all the business we got.
Uncle Joe, aren't you jumping to conclusions again.
Yeah, well, how's this for conclusion jumping?
This morning, she ran off two salesmen
before they had time to check in.
Well, maybe they weren't even gonna
Kate, I came here to loaf not to be lectured.
I'm checking out. What happened?
Seems like I shouldn't have come to the table
without being clean-shaven.
Oh. Also I did the unforgivable.
I split an infinitive and dangled a participle.
When she leaves, I'll be back.
Are you satisfied?
Well, Uncle Joe, if I if I tell her
she's been carrying her authority too far
it'll break her heart. Well, if you don't
it'll break our measly bank balance.
I guess you're right.
I-I'll fix her a nice supper tonight
and then I'll try and find a way
of telling her that she has to leave
first thing in the mornin'. Good girl, Kate.
And give it to her straight.
Really get it across,
don't act like you're afraid of her.
Where you going?
Upstairs to shave.
Serving supper already? Yes.
And then I, uh, want to tell you something.
Where are the others?
The girls?
Oh, they're around, uh, somewhere.
We're having your favorite for desert
Blueberry pie.
And then I want to tell you something.
And your Uncle Joe, he doesn't seem like the type
who would miss supper.
She insults you to your face then turns right around
and does it behind your back, too.
And the salesman,
and Charles and Floyd, where are they?
Uh, they're around.
Now, I want to tell you something.
Oh, I-I just know.
It's the same old story all over again.
Everywhere I go I-I drive people from me.
Katherine,
I'm going to be leaving in the morning.
And then you can get your lovely daughters
and your wonderful friends back again.
Now that makes it easier for Kate.
She's saying what Mom would've found it hard to say.
This is a cinch.
Miss Keane, I
I never heard such nonsense in all my life.
Why-why the reason nobody is here
is because
well, the-the girls are-are up in their room
having a picnic supper.
No ants, you know?
And-and Uncle Joe and the boys,
they have a-a running game of pinochle
they play on the Cannonball.
Going from Hooterville to Pixley.
And salesmen, they come and go.
You know how they are.
You mean, I really haven't scared them off?
You, scare people off?
Oh, that's amusing.
Sometimes when it comes to handling a situation,
your mother is pathetic.
You not only brought honor
to the Shady Rest by your mere presence,
but culture and discipline.
Bankruptcy, and disaster.
Oh, Katherine,
your words are very reassuring.
Well, I'm glad.
You may serve when ready.
Uncle Joe, girls, I, uh
We know, Mom. We heard.
Well, I just couldn't be responsible
for making that poor woman depressed again.
We understand, Mom.
It's just that Miss Keane has to be a teacher
no matter where she is.
Yeah, but why did that where have to be here?
Maybe we can find another way to handle this.
Oh, sure, we can.
Well, we've worked our way out
of tougher situations before.
You bet we have.
And there's never, never been a problem
we couldn't lick. Never!
Right!
But there's gotta be a first time for everything.
Sam, this is the best spot in town
for this project.
Well, you know what they say, Kate.
Stand in front of Sam Drucker's store for 24 hours
and you'll meet every citizen in Hooterville.
Yeah. Here comes Fred Ziffel.
Oh, girls, get ready.
You're going after the likes of him?
A dropout's a dropout.
Well, well, free refreshment, huh?
Where are they?
Well, I have to ask you a few questions first, Fred.
Uh, do you believe in education?
Yep.
Congratulations!
You did it! You won!
I did? Yeah!
Well, Sam, how about that?
I won myself free refreshments.
Oh, uh, just a minute.
Uh, you did finish grade school, didn't you?
Well, almost.
How far did you go?
Fourth grade.
Oh, what a shame.
Oh, that's a shame, that's too bad. Oh.
Well, Betty, you better cross out refreshment.
Well, now, hold on now,
let's talk a little more now.
Maybe I can win 'em back.
Oh, all right.
Uh, did you know that statistics show
that the more education a person's got
the more successful he's bound to be.
Well, you're doggone right I do.
If them loafers down at the pool hall
had as much education as me,
they might be pig farmers, too.
And if you had more,
you'd be a better pig farmer.
And wouldn't it make you proud to be able to tell folks
that you'd gone as far as the fifth grade.
Oh, yeah, that would be nice, wouldn't it?
Now, all you have to do is come to school
one night a week.
That's when we serve the refreshments.
And you read about the president saying
he wanted every American to get as much education
as he possibly could, didn't you?
Do you consider yourself a good American?
Well, I'll fight the first man that says I ain't.
Be at the railroad crossing nearest your house
Monday night at 8:15.
And sign right there.
Oh, that's all I got to do, huh?
All right.
Now I shall be there.
Well, I'll see you all there.
Oh, I almost forgot what I come after.
Sam, give me a jar of that bubble bath.
Our first drop-in.
Hi, Billie Jo.
Whatcha doin'? Well, hi, Harold.
He left high school after his first year.
It's sure nice to see you.
Where have you been keeping yourself?
Oh, I've been around.
You have, huh?
Then I guess it's me that hasn't been.
Since the only time I'm free is Monday nights.
Yeah?
Then how about a date for this Monday night?
Oh, I'd love to!
Oh, dear.
That's the night I have to help Mom
with her new educational program for dropouts.
Well, I'm a dropout.
Mmm, maybe some other time, Harold.
Bye.
He's hooked!
Mrs. Bradley,
Mmm? I'd like to join your program
for dropouts. Oh.
Oh, Harold.
You are the tricky one, aren't you?
You have to get up pretty early to outsmart me.
Sign here.
I'll see you Monday night, Billie Jo.
If it wasn't for his own good,
I'd disapprove of that method, Billie Jo.
Mom, we need more pupils.
Well, so long, Fred.
Have fun in school.
Bye. Bye, Fred, see you Monday night.
Bye-bye. You know, Sam,
offering the use of your property was very nice of you.
Ah, it's a pleasure, Kate.
Sorry I can't do more.
Oh, you can.
Well, you just name it and I'll do it.
Well, as I recall,
you dropped out of school in the seventh grade.
Yeah Oh, now, wait a minute, Kate.
I'm a self-educated man.
Betty. Got it!
Sam Drucker, eighth grade.
Oh, this is ridiculous!
I'm mayor of Hooterville
and the editor of the newspaper
Great, Sam!
I got a hunch you're gonna be teacher's pet.
Charlie's slowing down for Harold Boggs.
Um, I'll help him with his lesson, Miss Keane.
I never felt so stupid in all my life.
Do you think she'll give us homework?
Knock it off, will ya, fellas?
Samuel, Joseph, Floyd!
I will not tolerate any whispering.
Now read your lessons.
I'm going to ask questions later.
Hi, Billie Jo.
Hi. Are you gonna sit near me?
You never can tell.
Harold, sit right there.
That's Genghis Keane.
She's the reason I left school in the first place.
She's changed, you'll see.
Harold Boggs, take your seat!
She's changed all right.
From a raging tiger to a raging lion.
Fred, you can't bring your pig to school!
Well, if Mary can bring her little lamb,
I can bring my little pig.
Come on in, Ruthie, and see for yourself.
Hello, Ruthie.
I didn't believe him.
"I thought he was meeti" another woman here.
I got a terrible jealous nature, Kate.
Uh, well, um now that you're here,
how about continuing your education?
I don't mind if I do.
Then I can be near my man. Sure.
I'll have Miss Keane fix you a lesson.
Uh, how far did you go in school?
Oh, I finished the third year.
In high school? Nope.
Grade school.
When I drop out, I don't fool around.
I got a feeling
this school's never gonna turn out a Madame Curie.
Joseph Carson, give that book back to Floyd.
Well, make him stop throwing spitballs.
Fred Ziffel.
Ma'am?
Must you hold that pig in your lap?
No.
Ruthie can hold it in her lap.
Joseph, if you don't give that book back to Floyd,
you'll stay after school and clean the ashtray.
When's recess?
Miss Keane, uh,
what happens if I don't show up next Monday?
You'll bring a note from your father.
What happens if I don't show up?
You bring a note from your son.
Now, class, open your books to page ten.
We will begin with paragraph one.
Now, who can tell us
what are the basic components of a sentence?
Harvard University, watch out.
Are you sure Sam found her a nice place to stay?
Just perfect, Mom.
Right near the library. Here she comes.
Oh, dear!
This is a such a wonderful group I hate to spoil it
by giving you bad news.
Bad news, Miss Keane?
Oh, yes.
I'm going to have to leave the Shady Rest.
Oh. Why?
Well as long as I have so many dropout pupils
and class is three nights a week,
I'm forced to move into town to be near the library.
Miss Keane, what a shame.
Please don't go, Miss Keane.
The place won't be the same without you.
Oh, Katherine, girls,
don't make me feel any worse than I already do.
You must try to understand that as busy as I'm going to be,
I cannot afford to lose precious time in transit.
I'm afraid she's right, Kate.
This then, my friends, is not good-bye,
but merely au revoir.
Oh, never mind.
I can carry my own bag.
Yes, teacher.
Good bye, Miss Keane. Bye-bye.
Come back and see us.
Until the Cannonball's out of sight,
don't nobody say nothing.
Uncle Joe.
What's the matter, Kate? She can't hear me.
She-she's only been gone seconds,
and already you're back to using double negatives.
Petticoat Junction. ♪
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