The Cleaner (2021) s02e00 Episode Script

This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
PHONE RINGS
Happy Christmas, sis.
You going, then? Am I going where?
It's Christmas Day!
You bloody well know where.
To Dad's. The boot, Nigel!
Wake up.
Well, are you?
No, I've told you I'm not.
We're going to Nigel's folk
and the parasite is really
kicking off.
Dad, she called me parasite again!
Well, you are a bloody parasite.
You've ruined my body.
Ruined it.
You have to go, Wicky, end of.
I've got plans.
The White Horse are
doing a full Christmas dinner.
Microwave turkey is dangerous,
Wicky.
Have you not learnt from last time?
It's not just the dinner -
Weasel's going a raffle
during the King's Speech.
You can win a horse.
Like, an actual horse.
It's Christmas, Wicky.
You should be able to put
aside your differences at Christmas.
YOU put aside my differences
at Christmas.
Take him to Nigel's parents
with you.
Well, I can't,
because of Pablo.
Nigel's mum's allergic.
Her throat puffs up like a toad.
Who the hell's Pablo?
Dad's new dog.
I love Pablo!
Yes.
We all know you love Pablo.
My God,
they repeat themselves at this age.
He's bought a dog?!
Yes. It's really cute.
Have you any idea how many times
I asked him for a dog
when we were kids?
It's all I ever wanted.
And he used to say,
"Oh, no, they're"
BOTH: "..rats that bark and shit."
Right, well, that's it.
I'm definitely not going.
He deserves to be on his own
and you know it.
And you're going to end
up just like him.
Think about going round to Dad's,
Wicky. He's an old man.
It's Christmas.
Nigel!
Will you open this bloody boot?!
Right, then.
Let's dance.
Moderate-to-severe blood pooling,
limited staining on porous surfaces,
but mostly fake marble and Formica.
Two hours 30, tops.
And then Turkey, pint, new horse.
Let's have it, Santa.
# Santa, baby
# Slip the sable under
the tree for me
# I've been an awful good girl
# Santa, baby
# So hurry down the chimney tonight
# Santa, baby
# A '54 convertible too
# Bright blue
# Well, I'll wait up for you, dear,
# Santa, baby
# So hurry down the chimney tonight
# So hurry down the chimney
toni #
Hey!
Get out of it.
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.
The parlour's closed.
The parlour's
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert
What are you doing here, kid?
It's Sunday. And? Every Sunday,
I get a peach melba ice cream
in Alberto's.
It's Christmas Day.
It is also Sunday.
Right.
OK. Listen, Robert
Robert Kendrick. Yes, listen,
Robert Kendrick,
the parlour is closed.
Most shops are closed.
It's Christmas Day.
Alberto opens EVERY Sunday.
He is an Italian-Jewish person,
so he does not celebrate Christmas.
Now, could you please inform
Alberto that
I've arrived for my peach melba?
OK. You probably shouldn't hear
this on the news. Come in.
I'm sorry to have to break
this to you, Robert,
but Alberto's passed.
On. He's passed on.
He's
He's gone over to the other side.
He's left this earthly plane.
He's ahe's a cloud gardener.
He dances with the angels, Robert.
He is
He's got two goose arms.
You're trying to tell me
Alberto is dead.
I'm afraid so.
Oh
Then I shall need to know the
cause of death.
For my journal.
Oh, OK.
He was killed. How?
A bad man hit him with a plank.
A plank is not a suitable weapon.
It might have been a plank. But you
said it was a plank just now.
Yeah, I know, but
Was it a plank or not?
It might have been a bat.
Cricket bat or a baseball bat?
Cricket?
Alberto was battered to death.
Cricket bat. ..bat.
I didn't do it.
I'll be sure to tell the police
they can rule you out.
You better go home.
Alberto said he'd take me
home at 5:42pm.
That's the time my bus usually goes
home. As there are no buses
on Christmas Day, Alberto said he'd
take me home at the same time.
5:42pm. I'm a valued customer.
Alberto can't drive because
of the whole dead thing.
I'm afraid the parlour is closed,
even to valued customers.
So
But you're here and you're just
a cleaner. Be that as it may,
clean I must.
So, if you'll forgive me, Robert
Robert Kendrick. Yes.
PHONE RINGS
HE SIGHS
I'm not going.
We've just popped in there.
Listen, he's really sorry.
He says he thinks
about you all the time.
He actually thinks a lot
of his past behaviour was caused
by his lactose intolerance.
Oh, for God's sake,
will you listen to yourself?
He's going to write you a letter.
He's going to write a letter?
What, on a betting slip?
He says he's changed.
He wants you to meet the dog, Wicky.
I love Pablo!
Yes, we know.
First you wreck my tits
and now you drive me crazy.
If I could turn back time.
I'd like a peach melba,
please.
Am I missing something here, mate?
The parlour is closed.
You have forgotten my name
and used mate as a replacement.
I should have formally
introduced myself.
I haven't forgotten your name.
The parlour is closed.
My name is Robert Kendrick.
I am 22 years old.
At least we're getting some
new information through now.
I live in Norford, a 23-minute
bus journey from here.
Hand me a pen,
I'll ghost-write your memoirs.
And I'm autistic.
Yes, well, that's
..fantastic!
Is itbecause of the
..welcoming
We want to include, welcome.
We're all welcome here, aren't we?
It's the pizza of life.
What do we want?
Do we want just cheese? NO.
We want to put some pickles on
it if we want.
I think, and I think everyone thinks
this, everyone is a little bit
autistic, aren't they?
No.
No.
Who said that?
I did. Am I autistic?
No, I'm not autistic.
You're autistic.
And thatisgood.
Alan Turing was autistic.
The mathematician who helped
to crack the Enigma code
during World War II and saved
hundreds of thousands of lives.
Do you know what the authorities
did to him?
Well, I'm hoping they gave him
a lovely medal.
They castrated him
because he was a homosexual. Mm.
Chemically. His testicles
became redundant.
Well, I know that feeling.
You do? Are you a homosexual?
No.
I'm disgusted by my own
genitals, Roberto.
I don't want to get another man's
involved, but good luck
to those lads.
Could be that your testosterone
levels have naturally lowered
because of your age.
Have you found you're
developing breasts?
Peach melba.
Coming right up.
And then we can all go
for Christmas, can't we?
Who gave you permission
to go behind the red line?
Erm
..the police gave me permission. Hm.
The red line authority went
from Alberto to the police.
Alberto always told me I would never
be able to cross the red line
for health and safety reasons.
The police have vetted me
for health and safety reasons,
and they have confirmed
that I am safe and
..health.
How do you make a melba?
One scoop of chocolate ice cream.
One scoop of vanilla ice cream.
One scoop of peach ice cream.
Then cream on top of the ice cream.
Then white chocolate flakes
on top of the cream.
And then on top of the white
chocolate flakes
is raspberry sauce. Right.
And then a chocolate stick.
Except I get two chocolate sticks
because I'm a valued customer.
LOUD CLANGING
So
Vanilla. But the What's next?
But the What's next?
Peach. It's a peach melba. Right.
But that's not vanilla.
That is banana. There is no banana.
OK.
Now there is banana residue
on my glass.
Not a problem.
Andvanilla.
Yes, but Ah-ah. Peach.
It's a peach melba, after all.
And thencream.
And - I haven't forgotten -
white chocolate flakes.
Thank you.
And next Now raspberry sauce
in an arcing motion.
In a? Arcing motion.
Or the sauce will pull.
If I don't arc, the sauce will pull.
Finallya chocolate stick.
Except I get two.
Except you get
two chocolate sticks, because you
are valued customer Robert
..Kendrick.
There is no scoop of chocolate.
You never mentioned chocolate.
I mentioned chocolate. Pretty sure
you didn't mention chocolate.
Would it be helpful if I wrote
it all down for you?
No, it wouldn't be helpful
if you wrote it all down for me.
Do you find me irritating?
Oh, well
You seem to find irritating.
I don't find you irritating.
Perfectly OK if you do find me
irritating. I know I can be.
Nottome.
The chocolate goes under
the vanilla.
Are you joking?
How can that be a joke?
It's just a fact.
Alberto calls the chocolate
the soil the house is built on.
Silly me for not knowing
the melba protocol.
I'd better go back to university!
ROBERT WHIMPERS
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, hey,
hey. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry.
My fault. It was my fault.
I'm in trouble, aren't I?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll clean it up.
That's my job.
And then I'll make another peach
melba, in Alberto's, on a Sunday.
Who killed Alberto?
He was nice.
Why would anyone want to kill him?
Do you know what playing away means?
Alberto was too obese to be
involved with organised sports
so I presume you mean that he was
having sexual intercourse with
another man's wife?
You do know what it means.
Of course.
Mr Ferguson, the deputy manager
at Runcorn House, was repeatedly
being unfaithful to his partner
..until he developed scrotal
lesions. Back on testicles again,
Robert. If the man's wife was having
sex with Alberto,
then maybe that just means Alberto
was better at sex than the man.
Yeah.
Maybe Alberto
was good with his hands.
What's Runcorn House?
It's a placement.
A home?
I don't like calling it that.
It's not the right word.
Listen, I've got to go.
I'll give you a lift back
to Runcorn. I leave at 5:42.
Look, I've got to go, mate.
You can't stay here.
I leave at 5:42 every Sunday.
Are you not going to miss your
Christmas dinner?
The only thing I really like is
the Christmas crackers.
I really like the jokes!
What's the wettest animal
in the world?
A RAIN-deer!
Would you get me cross Santa
with a duck?
Christmas QUACK-ers.
CHUCKLES
Oh. It's not nice to ruin a joke,
you know. My father always laughed
at my jokes,
even if he'd heard them.
Was it your dad that brought
you here? Yes.
And when was that?
When I was 14.
You've been coming to Alberto's
all that time?
Yes. Every Sunday until the day
he broke my arm.
He what?
I was being stupid and not
understanding things,
so he pushed me off my chair.
And quite rightly too.
And in the hospital,
I said I fell from a ladder.
But that'sthat's not true,
Robert.
I know you're not supposed to tell
lies, but my father told me
this was an emergency lie.
Otherwise, the police would come
and take me and put me
in a treatment unit.
We carried on having peach melbas
on a Sunday for a while.
Until one day my dad came
and told me
that I had to go into a placement.
Oh. The place with the guy
with the bad balls.
No? No.
Listen,
I'm sorry he left you.
Why?
He'd just started a new job,
so he would be very busy
and be moving around a lot.
As soon as he settles,
he's coming to get me.
Right.
Every Sunday, my father knows
I'll be in Alberto's eating
peach melba ice cream.
He might even come today.
He knows I'll be here until 5:42.
Robert?
Do you think maybe
you should forget him?
Why would anyone want to forget
their father?
Maybe some fathers deserve
to be forgotten.
Do you not like your father? Why?
I suppose because once
you're a father,
you're not supposed to be selfish.
You know? Once you're a dad,
that comes before everything.
Hmm.
And because I always wanted a dog,
and now he's bought himself one.
ALARM BEEPS
Oh, come on!
No-one told me about this.
No, I'm not doing this.
No.
DOOR LOCKS
HE GROANS
HE KNOCKS
Robert?
Robert! Robert?
Robert, the door's stuck!
Robert? Robert!
PHONE RINGS
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.
Robert, thank goodness
you're still there. It's me, Wicky.
Who is this?
It's me. Wicky. The guy who just
made you the peach melba.
Wicky? That's a strange name.
It's a nickname, so Whatever.
Robert, my real name's Paul. OK?
Paul Wickstead. Right?
Now, listen, I'm stuck
in the freezer downstairs.
Is this another Christmas joke?
No, I'm stuck in the freezer, kid.
I didn't do it.
I know you didn't.
Robert, listen, I need you
to come downstairs
and open the freezer door
for me, all right?
But I don't have permission
to cross the red line.
OK, Robert, listen,
you have my permission.
But I need Alberto's permission.
But he's dead. Do you remember?
So I need the police's permission,
like you got.
Alberto always told me,
"Robert, no cross the"
Robert?
Robert?
Are you still there?
I'm sorry.
Alberto was my friend.
Alberto always told me
not to cross the red line.
So I must respect his wish
now that he has gone.
RIP, Alberto.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Robert?
Robert? Robert?
Robert!
Robert! Robert!
PHONE RINGS
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
Good afternoon.
Hey, Robert. You're still there.
It's me again.
I don't like shouting,
so I've made you quieter now.
Yeah, yeah, OK.
I'm sorry about that.
Listen, I am going to need
your help to get out of this freezer
because it really is starting
to live up to its reputation now.
But I don't have permission to cross
the red line, and that is that.
Robert, I'm in trouble here, mate!
Sorry. Robert? Robbie? Roberto?
Robert, please. Yeah. Sorry.
Robert, do you have your own phone?
Yes, I do, but
I don't use it very often.
The phone company keep ringing me
to ask if I want more data,
but I keep telling them
I've quite sufficient data,
thank you very much. Robert
Did you know people in Finland have
unlimited access to data?
I couldn't give a shit.
Sorry. Sorry, Robert. Don't hang up.
Don't hang up. Don't hang up.
Robert
I don't really care about
tariffs for phones in Finland,
but if you want to talk about it,
we'll talk about it as
much as you like
as soon as I'm out of the freezer.
So, listen, I know
you can't cross the red line
and I don't want you to,
but can you do something for me?
Would you phone 999?
But that is the emergency services.
Yeah, because here's the thing,
the fat man freezing to death
is kind of an emergency.
I need you to call the police.
Has a law been broken?
It will be if
I ever get out of here, kid.
Sorry. Sorry.
Call the police.
But they will ask questions.
I'm not allowed to
answer police questions.
Remember? I promised my father.
I am your father!
What? I don't know.
I'm not thinking straight.
Call the police.
But if my father finds out,
he might not come back.
Your father is wrong, OK?
The police are
the right people to ring.
They'll know what to do.
Call the police. My father told me
exactly what would happen.
I would become a fugitive
from justice and have to descend
into the criminal underbelly
in order to procure false papers
but the police would corner me
in a warehouse What? ..and there
would be a helicopter with
a spotlight, with a man with a
megaphone wearing a blue jacket
Robert ..with "police"
on the back. He would tell me I must
remain calm and that I'm surrounded
but there would be a sniper perched
on the roof
of an apartment building Robert!
Yes?
Has it ever occurred to you that
your father might not be come
Hey, Robert?
Is my phone up there?
PHONE RINGS
Sis. Sis!
Shithead. Have you been round?
No, no, listen.
I've got a real situation here.
You've got a situation?
The kid's throwing up
all over Nigel's mum's rug
and its dad is sitting in the car
listening to true crime podcasts
and drinking Babycham.
Listen. I need you.
I'm not asking for much, Wicky.
I just want you to
swallow your pride this year.
Who prioritises a horse raffle
over their own family?
It's got nothing to do
with a horse raffle. Listen
Oh, God, the bloody kid's
throwing up Haribos again.
Step away from the bloody rug!
I'm trapped in a freezer.
I need you to call the police.
Sis! I sometimes think
that you got it right, you know,
never marrying. Sis! Go and see Dad.
If you don't want to do that,
write him a letter or something.
Sis! Put him out of his misery.
You owe him that at least.
I'm trapped in a freezer.
I need you to call the police.
DISCONNECT TONE
Sis!
Thank you.
PHONE RINGS
Robert Kendrick?
I thought it might be you.
That's what it says
on the front of this letter.
Robert Kendrick.
I don't understand.
I found a letter.
On the front, it says, "To Robert
Kendrick, from his father."
A letter from my father? But how?
I don't know. I guess maybe
he gave it to Alberto to look after
and during the fight maybe it fell
out of his pocket or something.
Something like that.
What does the letter say?
I don't have permission to open it.
Opening other people's mail is
It's a criminal offence.
And I don't have permission, Robert.
You have my permission.
Hmm. That's not good enough, I'm
afraid. I need written permission
or the judge would throw
the book at me.
Then I'd get into a shoot-out
with the police, Robert, you know?
What book would the judge throw?
The Bible.
MUSIC: Carol of the Bells
Please. Please. Please.
One
..two
..three
..four
..five
..six
Hello, Robert Kendrick.
You lied to me.
There's no letter.
Oh, no! What did I do
with that letter?
You're a liar.
No. I just must have
dropped it down there.
I'll get it.
There.
Uh I thought I might
read it for you, if you
"Dear Robert, this is your father."
Oh, it is him.
"I wanted to write this letter
to tell you how proud I am of you.
"I'll bet that you've come
for ice cream every single Sunday
"since we said goodbye."
He remembers.
"You're reliable, Robert.
And that will always help you.
"I hope you understand that
sometimes it's hard being a parent.
"I know I promised
I would come back, but sometimes
"life gets in the way, and
it breaks your promises for you.
"I want you to know that
life is full of possibilities.
"Go off and enjoy yours
"and know that, even
though my work has kept us apart,
"I am always thinking about you.
"By the way, I found out
that I'm lactose intolerant,
"which is another reason why
I can never return to Alberto's.
"Ice cream brings me out in a rash.
"Maybe that's why I was
so angry in the past." Ah.
"Take care, with love, your father."
Well, that was lovely.
That last bit seemed a bit rushed
but it's, it's lovely.
Yes, I liked it.
May I see it? Hmm?
The letter? May I see it?
If you want to.
I do. It's your letter. If you
want to see it, you can see it.
I think when you're emotional,
it can affect your handwriting.
It's a nice letter.
It is a nice letter.
Thank you, Wicky.
But he's not coming back, is he?
I don't think so, Robert.
So, what are your Christmas plans?
Between now and 5:42, I mean.
KNOCKING
Son.
Dad.
I've, um I brought a new friend.
Good afternoon.
My name is Robert Kendrick.
Hello, Robert.
I've got a new friend as well.
I can't believe you bought a dog.
You always wanted one, didn't you?
You remembered.
CHRISTMAS MUSIC SWELLS
No. Your sister's only
just told me.
Better watch him,
he's a piss machine.
Where are you going?
Lock-in at the pub.
There's a horse up for grabs
in Weasel's raffle.
You should have got a ticket.
Bring the dog back Boxing Day.
Wicky, maybe you should forget him.
There we are. Thanks.
Cracker? Yeah.
Hey! Hey, I win!
Nail clipper. A nail clipper.
What's the joke? What's the joke?
What do reindeers hang
on their Christmas trees?
Dunno.
ROBERT LAUGHS
I don't know, Robert!
Robert, what's the punchline?
ROBERT CARRIES ON LAUGHING