8 Simple Rules (2002) s02e01 Episode Script

1
Okay, your sister's gone.
The kids are all upstairs.
So the pregnancy test is yours?
Yeah. I took the test and
it was negative and then
You got me so
excited there thinking
I was going to
be a father again.
Well, then, my
body still didn't feel
right, so I rearranged
the furniture.
Oh, yeah. It looks nice. I
like this flow you got here.
No, no…Paul, you
don't understand.
I took it again
and it was positive.
What? How could this happen?
How could this happen? Well,
you see, Paul, you know,
a man and a woman fall
in love and at some point
I know how it happens.
Hey, honey, listen…
if your body's going
through weird things,
maybe it's just that
you're going through men…
…men… many different
things, my child.
Cate, look, it's just that, you
know, I'm trying to write my book
and the column
isn't catching fire.
And it's just really a bad time
right now for me to have a baby.
Oh, well… how 'bout if
I carried it for you?
This is the worst thing
in the whole world!
Bridget, you shouldn't
be eavesdropping!
So your mother
may be pregnant
There it is. 'High School
Scandal Dot Com.
'Bridget Hennessy is so five
minutes ago.' Oh my God!
Bridget, you don't
read this stupid stuff.
Oh my Gosh, and it says, 'Look at
her sister? She's so right now.'
It does? Oh my God, this is so
Wait a minute. Mom,
you're pregnant?
Mom, you're pregnant?
Wow, I can't believe
this. Kerry's popular.
8 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING
MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER ♪
Mom's pregnant?
I'm too young to
be a grand sister!
Wow. I must be like super smart.
Hello! Kids, your mother
and I need to discuss.
Our mother and you have done
enough, thank you
very much, mister.
Family meeting!
You can't call… wait a minute!
How come each time I call a
family meeting fine, go ahead.
Alright, this
meeting is in order.
Have you no self control, father?
Can't you keep it zipped?
Hey!
Yeah, I can't believe you two
are having unprotected sex.
- Unprotected sex.
- Hey!
I mean, how
would you like it if I
came home and
said I was pregnant?
Honey, it's a little bit
different, and let
me tell you why…
- Tell you why.
- Stop it.
Paul, you had to
get him a guitar?
You want the monkey back.
I can't believe my
mother may be pregnant.
I mean, I'm seventeen. When
the baby's my age, I'll be.
Dancing around a pole?
Unpopular and a pregnant mother!
My life is so totally over.
- Donny?
- Hang up. Hang up.
Donny, I have to go. My
dad got my mom in trouble.
No. You hang up first.
No, you! You.
Okay, we'll count to
three and hang up together.
One two three
No, you hang up first.
Give me that! That's
it, give me the phone.
Donny, goodbye. No,
you hang up first. No.
Can we focus please?
Now, your mother is not
necessarily pregnant.
Paul, and I'm not
necessarily not pregnant.
You know, when you're pregnant
your breasts get bigger.
Kyle, what are you doing here?
I came by to see Kerry.
First Bridget now Kerry.
Kyle, what are your
intentions with my daughters?
I can't tell you that.
You're the father.
Okay, okay! Not by the belt
loops. I'm going commando.
Fred. Mary Ellen.
Ahoy, me bucko!
We just wanted to bring a
bundt cake over, now that…
well, what with Donny and Bridget
going steady we're practically.
People who live
across the street.
Mrs. Hennessy's pregnant.
Might be. I might be.
What? A Hennessy
'bundt' in the oven?
I swear, it's like
living with Dick Cavett.
Oh, some guys have all the luck.
Oh dear! Oh dear!
Cake's on the porch! Thank
you. Look, may I say something?
You might try saying 'no'
once in a blue moon, missy.
Alright, look… I am gonna get a
definitive test at the
hospital tomorrow.
Kerry, are those my earrings?
What are you talking about?
They are my earrings!
Okay, first you steal my
popularity and then my earrings!
You forgot about your boyfriend.
Chick fight! Chick fight,
chick fight, chick fight.
And you want to add
to this brood? Me?
That's enough. Get up! Get up!
Get up! Get up on the couch.
And you stop it! Stop it!
You broke my earrings!
Stop fighting or I'm going
to turn this car right around!
Paul, we're in
the living room. It's
a saying. It's a
saying in a car.
Hemingway said it all the time.
No, he didn't.
I thought we agreed
not to make me
look stupid in
front of the kids?
This is a madhouse. I'm supposed
to bring a baby
into this madhouse?
Good morning.
I said, 'Good morning.'
What's wrong? What's wrong?
I say, 'I may be pregnant.' and
you say, 'How could this happen?'
But I just lost my baby
weight from the last one.
Honey, I know
exactly what happened.
It went a little
something like this…
You gotta get a new voice.
What are you
doing? I'm surprising.
Mom with breakfast in bed.
And I made her a card
And I made her a card.
You are such a girl.
Our little sister Rory.
Hey, she seemed
pretty ticked off
last night. I'm just
saving my butt.
No! Hey! Hey! No!
Surprise!
Bridget would you please pass
the milk. You don't deserve milk.
You could've knocked!
It's seven in the morning!
I thought you
couldn't do anything
until you had your
first cup of coffee?
Yeah. I mean, there's
already one baby.
What were you trying to do,
make twins?
Yeah… that's how it happens.
Alright, you guys, knock it off.
Now look, I am sorry
that you walked in on us.
But you are just gonna
have to accept the fact
that your father and
I are sexual beings!
Come on, kids… knock it off.
Don't you see your mother's
going through a pregnancy scare?
Oh, so now it's a scare? Which
apparently I'm
going through alone.
Now, you guys are
amazing. You are
totally self centered.
Unbelievable.
Good bye!
Looks like we won't be walking
in on you two any time soon.
Bridget.
Hey, Bridget.
It's, um… it's not
what it looks like.
There's just a lot
of societal pressure
on me to be all
over your sister.
Well, I don't have
any time to convo,
I have to call my older
boyfriend who's in college.
Hi, is Midshipman Donny
Doyle there? Donny!
Hey, Bridget.
Donny, you miss me, don't you?
Of course I do. I can't
get my mind off you.
In fact, I was thinking about
you so much during chess club,
I opened up with a Polish
Gambit Accepted, when I should've
opened up with a Polish
Gambit Denied. I mean… 'Duh.'
Chess club? Donny, you're cool
at Naval college, aren't you?
Are you kidding? I'm way cool.
Hey! Doyle's got a girlfriend!
Shut up! You got a girlfriend!
Bridget, I gotta go.
The new kid.
- The new kid.
- The new kid.
Pudding.
This pudding sucks.
This pudding sucks!
Hey.
There's something you should
know: I have a boyfriend
already, he's in Navy College,
and he can do the Polish Gambit.
I was gonna say, 'Pass the salt.'
Pudding. Mmm.
Sometimes… all you
need is a little spice.
- That's deep.
- No.
No, it's wide. If I went
deep, you couldn't find me.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
- I'm Bridget.
- Damian.
There's something
you should know,
I'm kind of an
outcast right now.
I'm thinking about
buying a motorcycle.
Hennessy!
Just the man I wanna see.
How would you like to turn
Tommy, I'm having a bad day.
Poor me. You're having a bad day.
I'm on sexual
harassment probation
thanks to what's her name…
'Boobs' in reception.
Listen… how would you like
to turn five hundred bucks
into three thousand dollars
by Monday morning?
Tom.
- It's guaranteed. Tommy, no.
What's wrong, pal?
Oh, hey, Paul. Fred?
Hey, the receptionist with
the big front porch sent me up.
Hey, you look like a smart
fella. How'd you like to turn
Tommy! Okay. Sit down,
Fred. Oh, thank you.
Is there any special
reason you're dropping by?
Well, I kinda read between
the lines last night,
when you slammed
the door in our faces.
I'm so sorry, Fred, I
No problem.
Yeah, I kinda sensed your stress,
well what with you
and Cate and your
impending
fatherhood potentiality.
Well, nothing's,
nothing's for sure.
Yeah, I know. Well, I
picked up on that too.
Fred, I don't really need
You see, me and Mary Ellen,
well, we can't have
kids of our own.
I had no idea. All
your kids are adopted?
Yeah. Yeah. We…
…we think Donny's a Kennedy.
I just came down to tell you that
I think you're a good father.
Yeah, I've seen you.
And besides, you're not
in this alone, you know.
You and, you and Cate
are in it together.
Two peas in a pod,
as it were. Listen,
I better shove off, boy and oh,
yeah… if you're
finished with the cake,
Mary Ellen would
like her pan back.
Oh my God, Cate and
I are in this together
and I've only been
thinking about myself.
My career, my stupid
book, my finances.
I feel as if I've
let her down and
that's not what a husband does.
Don't be so hard
on yourself, Paul.
You and I are terrific
husbands. Hey, wanna get drunk?
Come on, you and me and Carla.
Who?
'Jugs' in reception.
But you gotta ask her.
Okay, stop it! What
are you laughing
at “Mr. Mom Still Cuts My Hair?”
And you, “Nose Job
Over The Summer.”
And don't even get me started,
“Girl Who Farted During.
Crunches In Gym Class.”
Get out of here, good bye!
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm never gonna get the hang
of these heels or popularity.
Oh, come on… stop it.
Here, just take my shoes.
They're too big.
Thanks. Just take 'em, seriously.
Shuffling is sexier than falling.
Bridge, why are you
being nice to me?
I don't know. 'Cause
you're my sister and…
… you're the only
sister I'll ever have.
God, how many times
has Mom said that to us?
Mom.
Well, Mom's gonna need a new
catchphrase. We
may have a baby sister.
Yeah, maybe you
guys can share shoes.
This is really big for her.
I know. And all we've been doing
is thinking about ourselves.
We were really mean.
God, how could we be so selfish?
I blame Mom.
Mom.
Yoo hoo… Cate.
Mary Ellen you're here…
… volunteering on my day.
Oh, pish tosh.
Now, I know you're a
little stressed about
this baby thing.
A little? I don't know if
I can be a mother again.
I've been so upset with my
family I haven't even had
time to think about what I
want. I just got my career back.
Paul is not in the best
place and… but, you know,
I miss them when they're
little. I don't know.
Hey, Cate, the lab called
and your pee's on deck.
Oh God.
I never thought that I could
handle more than one
Mary Ellen, I really
And then, before we knew it
we had five when
we adopted Mary Maureen.
And I have to tell you
I love them all,
and I wanna say to you
that somehow it works out.
I didn't know little
Mary Maureen was adopted.
Yes. They're all adopted.
Fred. Insanity in the family.
Yeah, you know, I really do
Cate… what I'm trying to
say is, no matter what happens,
it's all going to be okey dokey.
Well, I've bothered you enough.
Mary Ellen?
Would you wait with me?
Sure.
Are you finished
with my cake pan?
Alright, everybody,
family meeting.
On the couch. Right now.
Now, listen to me.
Your mother is the
most wonderful
woman on the planet.
She kills herself
for this family.
She is the salt of the earth.
Salt.
And all of us
…and all of us
have been horrible
to her these past
twenty four hours.
Yeah, we know, Dad.
I know. You're right. Dad.
So, I was thinking… I'm right?
You never say I'm
right. So anyway
I got her these presents.
Bridge, you're the chocolates.
And you're the Teddy Bear.
You're the pencil
with the fuzzy eraser.
What?
Dad, you must have
gathered all the change
from under the
car seats for this stuff.
Don't worry about it, I'm
giving her the big one.
- It's a giraffe.
- Don't name it!
A giraffe!
Hi, guys.
Mom.
- Mom - We are so sorry.
Oh, hi… hi, honies.
Mom, we really want
you to have this baby.
Yeah, so long as it's not a boy.
That's very generous of you, but.
And we'll do everything we
can to help. We'll baby sit it.
We'll change it. Change
it… hello! French manicure,
I ain't changing
it. You gotta… Why
do I always have
to do everything?
Now, girls - I'm not changing.
Girls. Mom.
I felt bad about this
morning, so I wrote you a song.
Unplanned baby.
Welcome to the family.
Rory, Rory. Honey, that's
so sweet. Thank you.
Thanks to all my kids.
I bought all the presents,
the kids didn't even chip in.
I'm kidding, Cate. Come here.
Come here. I just
want you to know…
that I love you and I am so sorry
for the way I was behaving and…
I want you to know that I
really, really want this child.
And look at this. I even
got the baby's first gift.
That's so nice. Thank you.
Thanks everybody.
But, I'm not pregnant.
- No?
- No?
- No?
- No
Shut up.
Why are you hitting me for?
Take it upstairs! Kids!
Right now, go upstairs.
Right now! Take it upstairs!
Nice giraffe.
Yeah, you know, giraffes
are gender neutral.
So it doesn't matter
if it's a boy or a girl.
So not pregnant?
- Nope.
- How do you feel?
I don't know.
You little twerp, you like
totally scuffed my shoes!
Tell you why! Yeah, but
you broke mine, you big foot!
- Let go of me!
- Get off of me!
- Stop it.
- So, not pregnant!
I gave my love a cherry,
that had no stone.
I gave my love a chicken,
that had no
Sorry.