Bad Move (2017) s02e01 Episode Script
Country Pile
1
# Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
# Ba-ba-ba-ba
# When the world in which
you're living
# Gets a bit too much to bear
# And you need someone to lean on
# When you look,
there's no-one there
# You're gonna find me
out in the country
# Yeah, you're gonna find me
# Way out in the country #
SHEEP BLEATING
So, who put that tarpaulin up?
Like I said,
it was the last builder we had.
He put it up
and we didn't see him again.
He didn't finish the job, then?
What do you think?
All right.
Just trying to establish the facts.
Sorry.
It's just we've had real problems
finding a good builder.
OK.
So, I take it
you want the chimney rebuilt?
No, we thought we'd leave it
as a pile of bricks
in the living room (!)
Look, I want to help.
But if you're gonna be sarcastic
Sorry, sorry. I apologise.
It's just been very frustrating.
Can we start again?
Aye. Course we can.
So, what caused it to collapse?
Were it subsidence?
No. A rock star hovered over it
in his helicopter.
Right. You've had your chance.
Well, it's true.
I've got better things to do
with my time.
But that's what happened.
Thank you. Good day.
That went well.
Oh, come on, Grizzo.
Straight to voicemail again.
What do you want him to do,
come over with a ladder
and fix it himself?
Well, yeah, if need be.
He can't just write out a cheque
and think that's the end of it,
he knocked half
our bloody house down.
Might as well have got Miley Cyrus
round with her wrecking ball.
Oh, is that another hole?
We've definitely got moths.
At least someone likes living here.
Cooee!
Oh, God. It's Matt and Meena
with their home-knitted children.
Try to be nice.
What, still?
It's only a hole in the roof.
It's a bit more than that.
Why don't you get up there
and fix it yourself?
That's what Matt did
when our shed roof was leaking.
Matt's ever so good with roofs.
Maybe you'd like to fix ours.
We'll pay you good money.
Ha.
We actually would.
Oh, you're serious?
Oh, no, thank you.
Anyway, we thought you might like
some runner beans.So I see.
Runner beans are good for you.
Not as nice as jelly beans, though.
We don't like sweets.
No, of course not.
So, they're all yours.
We probably don't need that many.
Well, you can freeze them.
Yes, just top and tail them.
String them.Blanch them.
Refresh them.
Bag them up.
Pop in the freezer.
It really is that easy.
It's very kind of you.That's how
it works in the countryside.
If you've got a surplus,
give it to your neighbours.
Well, if you need any rubble
Ha-ha.
By the way, are you gonna do
anything with those crab apples?
You know, the little round things
growing in your tree?
Yeah, we know what crab apples are.
We'll probably leave them to rot.
You can't eat them, they're sour.
BOTH LAUGH
Listen to the townie. Have you never
heard of crab apple jelly?
We were hoping to make some.
Sure. Pick some on your way out.
Why can't they get their own
crab apples,
instead of coming round here
and pinching ours?
How do you make crab apple jelly,
anyway? You don't.
Not if you've got any sense.
Well, I do hope
he gets the recipe right
and doesn't end up with chronic
stomach pain.
SHE CHUCKLES
What are you doing?
I thought you got it going?
Well, I did, for about ten seconds.
Then it conked out again.
So we've got to walk all the way to
Grizzo's? Fresh air will do us good.
SIGHS
Get enough of that in the house.
What are these lot up to?
Community payback.
Did you lock the front door?
HE LAUGHS
Oh, no, it's Bronson.
Oh, God.
Did we lock the front door?
Hi, Bronson.
All right, Steve, Nicky.
Keeping you busy, then, are they?
Community service.
Got done for nicking some acrow
props. Sold them for scrap, like.
We know. It was our house you stole
them from. Oh, yeah, that's right.
'Ey, sorry about that.
Only it did cause our chimney
to collapse.
To be fair, that weren't down to me,
that were the helicopter.
Well, the helicopter and the fact
that there were no acrow props
to support the chimney.
Oh, yeah. I see what you're saying.
Oh, God, here comes fatso.
Right, come on, Bronson,
back to work, mate.
What's his problem?
What are your new mates like?
They're not new mates.
I went to school with them.
One of them's my cousin.
Kyle, ciggy?
Right.
That's their house there.
'Let your mind relax.
'Leave it to the universe.
'Only this moment in time exists.
'Imagine your thoughts
floating free,
'away from the everyday concern'
I mean, obviously it goes on a bit,
but you get the idea.
Mindfulness.
I definitely recommend it.
It's a bit like Buddhism, only you
can still eat sausages and stuff.
Right.
Anyway, how's the building work
going?
Well, actually, that's why
we're here, Grizzo.
We can't find a builder.
What about Martin,
the guy I told you about.
Did you ring him?
The one building a beach house
in the Bahamas for Simon Cowell?
Yeah, strangely enough,
he never got back to us.
That's weird.
I know. Bizarre, isn't it?
So, any other suggestions?
Er Ooh, let me have a think.
How we gonna sort this?
Er
I know, I've got it.
Here's what you do.
Leave it to the universe.
Well, that was worthwhile (!)
He means well.
So does Tess Daly,
why don't we go and see her next?
Well, in case the universe
doesn't fix it,
I'm gonna put a notice in the shop.
'Wanted - builder who can fix cars.'
Ooh, takeaway.
Where did you get that?
Leeds.
Oh, have you been to Leeds today?
No.
Went last month. Froze it.
Oh, right.
Stir-fry chicken with pineapple.
Do you want some?
Oh, no, you're all right, thanks.
Erm
Can I put this in the window?
£10.
I remember. £5 a month after that.
Six.
Sorry?
£6. Brexit.
Oh, right.
Oh. I've lost a £10 note.
I don't suppose I could, er,
owe you, could
No. OK.
You don't happen to know
any builders, do you?
Gareth!
Do we know any builders?
You what?!
Do we know any builders?
There's my nephew Kyle.
He's working with Bronson
at the moment.
Still at it, then?
Got to fill two bags before
Humpty Dumpty will let us go.
Well, perhaps you should
just keep Yeah, would do.
Only there's not enough litter
round here.
Maybe you should go more that way,
up by the main road.
Not allowed.
Health and safety.
Right.
You missed a bit there.
So, er
maybe you should
OK, I'll just
Stick it in't bag, if you want.
Actually, I think I might
hold on to this.
Honest John?
I've already spoken to him
on the phone,
and he actually sounds all right.
I thought you had a builder.
Yeah, so did we.
But there was a misunderstanding
and he left.
So where did you get this?
I just picked it up.
Where?
When I was out and about.
What, did someone give it to you?
No, I
If you must know,
I found it in a hedge.
I see.
We might as well give him a try,
Dad.
It's not as if we've got
a queue of builders
waiting to give us a quote.
I'm just saying,
the last person I trust
is someone who calls himself
Honest John.
It's just a trade name. I mean,
I could call myself Sexy Ken.
That doesn't mean I
Eugh, Dad, please.
Anyway, he's coming out tomorrow. He
sounds really keen to do the work,
so let's all try and sound positive
for a change.
Hm.
Is that a moth hole in your jumper?
Blimey, it's Honest John.
Honest punctual John.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Has one of you lost a tenner?
Only I found this.
Oh, thanks.
You said you'd lost one.
It was down by your wall.
I noticed you've got a wild orchid,
an early purple.
I bent down to have a look at it,
and there's this £10 note
staring back at me.
Thank you.
Oh, don't thank me, it's your money.
Right, let's have a look
at this roof, shall we?
I'm sure I'll be able
to get you sorted.
Brilliant.
Oh, what a wonderful place.
You must really love it here.
MOUTHS
This is a very reasonable quote.
And that includes materials?
Yes. I'll let you see
all the bills as I go along.
Honesty is the best policy.
Anyway, I expect you'll need time
to think about it, you know,
get some other quotes
Oh, there's no need.
We've already done that.
The job's yours.
Definitely. When can you start?
Erm, well, probably start tomorrow,
if you like?
Brilliant.
Great.
Right.
Any other questions?
Erm
No.
No.
God, he's a hard worker,
didn't even want a cup of tea.
Oh. Honest, punctual,
hard-working John.
He's gonna need to get himself
a longer van.
So have all of those got moth holes
in them?
No.
All these have.
God.
There's nothing but sheep out there,
they can eat all the wool they want.
But oh, no, it has to be
our jumpers.
Let's hope they don't go for John's,
you know
I think they only
go for natural fibres.
So what are you gonna do with them?
Just have to chuck them out.
Can't we give them to charity?
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
"I've just escaped from a war zone."
Oh, poor you,
would you like a moth-eaten jumper?
Oh, no.
What the hell is he doing here?
Sorry, Bronson, can I help you?
Er, yeah, if you like.
No, I meant what are you doing
in our garden?
Oh, right. Erm, just looking
for litter and that.
Got to fill two bags somehow.
Otherwise I'm gonna be here forever.
Ain't got any rubbish, have you?
House. Car.
Why, what's wrong with it?
Just won't start.
I'll get it started for you.
You know how to start a
Silly question.
I'll see if I can find the key.
No, I don't need it.
Just get us a paperclip.
A paperclip?
Yeah, summat like that.
Great.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's in it for me?
A load of moth-eaten clothes?
Yeah, that'll do.
ENGINE STARTS
BOTH: Ta-da!
Sorry?
The crab apples.
You know, the ones that you were
gonna leave to rot.
Oh, right.
Daddy said it's because
you don't know any better.
Did he?
Yes.
And he said you're a
Oh, look, Silas,
it's a man with a bucket.
Did I hear someone mention
crab apples?
Do you know, my granny used to make
the best crab apple jelly
in all of Yorkshire.
Won prizes, she did.
Oh.
Why don't you help yourself
to a jar?
I'm sure Steve won't mind
if you have one.
Take as many as you want.
Do you mind if I taste it first?
No.
Please do.
Taste away.
I rather think your granny
would approve.
I mean, it needs to mature
Obviously it'll improve with age.
Oh, no, this won't.
I'm afraid that's no good at all.
Hm. It's too bitter.
And the aftertaste is lacking fruit.
It's very disappointing.
Oh.
Bad luck.
Hiya.
I see you've met Honest John.
I can't wait to see your dad's face.
Honest John meets Sexy Ken.
See, Grizzo was right.
Leave it to the universe.
Er, no. The universe isn't
getting the credit for this,
I'm the one who found him.
I've been thinking,
the rates he's charging,
we might even be able
to do the living room.
You know, get that done,
decorate the place,
finally start settling in.
Yeah.
Or find some other sucker
and sell it to them.
Yeah, that one.
Oh, hi, John. How's it going?
Fancy a cup of tea?
No, thanks. There's a bit of
a problem, I'm afraid.
You've got a colony of moths.
Ha. You think?
What gave it away?
They're in the roof space.
Oh, well, now we know where
they are, we can get rid of them.
Er, that's the problem.
You can't. They're protected.
Not from moth killer, they're not.
No, they're a protected species.
It's a criminal offence
to interfere with them.
Come off it. It's hardly up there
with mugging a pensioner.
Nevertheless, you will have
to report it to the authorities.
Strictly speaking, yeah.
But can't we just, you know,
ch-ch-ch, keep quiet about it?
No.
Why not?
Well, that would be dishonest.
I'm sorry, the work's gonna have to
stop.What about our roof?
It'll have to wait until the
breeding season's over, I'm afraid.
Then there'll just be more of them.
Good point.
I found this.
That won't do it.
We need some heavy duty spray.
We are doing the right thing,
aren't we?
Of course we are.
Don't worry about Honest John.
He's a nice enough bloke,
but frankly
I mean, maybe they'll just
die out naturally.
Well, you heard what he said.
It's a colony.
That's how America started. Now
look at it. He did seem to think
Why should we be lectured by someone
who goes around with a doormat
stapled to his head? They're only
moths. I know, you're right.
It's not as if we've got a family
of snow leopards up there.
Don't speak too soon.
It's not winter yet.
CLANKING
ENGINE FAILS TO STAR
Bronson.
Hi, Shannon.
SLURPS
SLURPS
Nice?
Not really.
Er, is Bronson here?
No. Why?He got our car started,
but it's broken down again.
I've had to walk all the way here.
Exercise will do you good.
Yeah, but he said he'd fixed it.
Did you pay him?
No, but we gave him two bags of
Oh, forget it.
I don't suppose you've got
anything for moths?
Gareth!
Have we got anything for moths?
You what?!
Do we have anything
that kills moths?
You could try that perfume of yours.
Argh!
Thanks.
Actually, I'd better
take a couple more.
Just in case.
SIGHS
'Relax and take the opportunity
to slow down.
'Surrender
yourself to the universe.'
DIALS NUMBER
PHONE VIBRATES
All right, Grizzo?
Hi, Steve.
You know that hole in your roof?
Yes.
Well, I left it to the universe,
and sure enough, the universe
has come up with the answer.
Go on.
You know Martin?
My builder.
The one doing a beach house
for Simon Cowell?
Yeah. Well, they've only
gone and had a big bust-up.
Martin made a joke
about his trousers,
Cowell went ape.
LAUGHS
You'd think he'd have
heard them all.
Anyway, upshot is he's off the job,
so he's up for doing your roof.
That would be brilliant.
You haven't found a builder, then?
No. Well, we did,
but he's downed tools
because he found a protected species
of moth up there.
Oh, bummer.
So what are you gonna do?
Just get rid of them.
What, kill them?
Yeah, pretty much.
No, Steve, you can't do that.
That's bad karma.
They're only moths.
You eat sausages.
Sausages aren't a protected species,
Steve.
Yeah, good point. Those moths
are protected for a reason.
Sorry, Steve, I can't ask Martin
to go against the universe.
SIGHS
Karma
Actually, do you know,
this will probably do.
You're all right,
we've got some more somewhere.
BELL DINGS
DOOR OPENS
Congratulations.
We've heard the good news.
Hey?You've got a protected species
living in your roof.
Lucky devils. Why couldn't
they have chosen our roof?
Moths are our friends.
Can we go and see them?
No. You're not meant to
disturb them.
Who told you, anyway?
It was that lovely builder of yours.
SHANNON: Found them.
He brought round a load
of crab apples from his garden.
Turned out your apples
were the problem.
Oh. Sorry about that.And he told us
all about your little house guests.
There you go.
Yep, that is the stuff.
You make sure you don't sell
any of that.
It's really bad for moths.
Bye.
Oh. Isn't she thoughtful?
A Norfolk farmer
has been found guilty
of destroying a dormouse habitat.
Disturbing a protected species
can incur fines of up to £10,000
or a custodial sentence.
And 46-year-old Neville Carter
has been warned
he could face six months in prison.
I'm just saying,
we could go to jail.
Jail?
Well, on the news there was this
farmer and he had dormice,
and he, you know pooft!
Six months in prison.
Well, at least he's got a roof
over his head.
We can't just let all the building
work stop cos of a few moths.
Get up there
and give them a good spray.
Nobody's gonna know.
Unless you're worried
one of the moths
is gonna fly off to the
police station and report it.
Yeah, but what if Honest John does?
I told you he was bad news.
You wanna keep some of that back
and use it on him.
That is a good idea. Yeah,
like that's not against the law.
All I'm saying is are you
gonna sit there
and let your entire future be ruined
by some do-gooder
and his precious moths?
Maybe we should sleep on it.
Dear, oh, dear.
Oh, no!
I've been eaten in the night.
Oh, so have I.
Right. They have crossed the line.
This is war.
DOORBELL RINGS
Good morning.
Janet Dawson, Environment Agency.
We've been notified of a protected
species at this location.
Have you? Under Schedule 5
of the Wildlife and Countryside Act,
I'm requesting access to this
premises for inspection purposes.
The moths.
We were just gonna put that
in the bin.
So you reported it, did you?
Honesty is the best policy.
Is it? Always?
I think so, yes.
Oh, good.
Well, in that case, John,
I'll be honest. Steve.
You are a small-minded,
sanctimonious,
interfering busybody.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Oh, and while we're all
being honest,
not one person anywhere you go
ever looks at you and thinks,
'Oh, look,
'there goes Honest John
with his full head of hair.'
They all think, 'There's Honest John
who's honest about everything,
'except for the fact
that he's actually bald.'
Just being honest, John.
OK, well, since you brought it up
Yes, I do wear a wig,
and the reason I do
is that I lost my hair
because I'm having chemotherapy.
Right, well, good luck with that.
Shall I show you
where these moths are?
MUSIC: 'In The Country'
by Cliff Richard And The Shadows
# Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
# Ba-ba-ba-ba
# When the world in which
you're living
# Gets a bit too much to bear
# And you need someone to lean on
# When you look,
there's no-one there
# You're gonna find me
out in the country
# Yeah, you're gonna find me
# Way out in the country #
SHEEP BLEATING
So, who put that tarpaulin up?
Like I said,
it was the last builder we had.
He put it up
and we didn't see him again.
He didn't finish the job, then?
What do you think?
All right.
Just trying to establish the facts.
Sorry.
It's just we've had real problems
finding a good builder.
OK.
So, I take it
you want the chimney rebuilt?
No, we thought we'd leave it
as a pile of bricks
in the living room (!)
Look, I want to help.
But if you're gonna be sarcastic
Sorry, sorry. I apologise.
It's just been very frustrating.
Can we start again?
Aye. Course we can.
So, what caused it to collapse?
Were it subsidence?
No. A rock star hovered over it
in his helicopter.
Right. You've had your chance.
Well, it's true.
I've got better things to do
with my time.
But that's what happened.
Thank you. Good day.
That went well.
Oh, come on, Grizzo.
Straight to voicemail again.
What do you want him to do,
come over with a ladder
and fix it himself?
Well, yeah, if need be.
He can't just write out a cheque
and think that's the end of it,
he knocked half
our bloody house down.
Might as well have got Miley Cyrus
round with her wrecking ball.
Oh, is that another hole?
We've definitely got moths.
At least someone likes living here.
Cooee!
Oh, God. It's Matt and Meena
with their home-knitted children.
Try to be nice.
What, still?
It's only a hole in the roof.
It's a bit more than that.
Why don't you get up there
and fix it yourself?
That's what Matt did
when our shed roof was leaking.
Matt's ever so good with roofs.
Maybe you'd like to fix ours.
We'll pay you good money.
Ha.
We actually would.
Oh, you're serious?
Oh, no, thank you.
Anyway, we thought you might like
some runner beans.So I see.
Runner beans are good for you.
Not as nice as jelly beans, though.
We don't like sweets.
No, of course not.
So, they're all yours.
We probably don't need that many.
Well, you can freeze them.
Yes, just top and tail them.
String them.Blanch them.
Refresh them.
Bag them up.
Pop in the freezer.
It really is that easy.
It's very kind of you.That's how
it works in the countryside.
If you've got a surplus,
give it to your neighbours.
Well, if you need any rubble
Ha-ha.
By the way, are you gonna do
anything with those crab apples?
You know, the little round things
growing in your tree?
Yeah, we know what crab apples are.
We'll probably leave them to rot.
You can't eat them, they're sour.
BOTH LAUGH
Listen to the townie. Have you never
heard of crab apple jelly?
We were hoping to make some.
Sure. Pick some on your way out.
Why can't they get their own
crab apples,
instead of coming round here
and pinching ours?
How do you make crab apple jelly,
anyway? You don't.
Not if you've got any sense.
Well, I do hope
he gets the recipe right
and doesn't end up with chronic
stomach pain.
SHE CHUCKLES
What are you doing?
I thought you got it going?
Well, I did, for about ten seconds.
Then it conked out again.
So we've got to walk all the way to
Grizzo's? Fresh air will do us good.
SIGHS
Get enough of that in the house.
What are these lot up to?
Community payback.
Did you lock the front door?
HE LAUGHS
Oh, no, it's Bronson.
Oh, God.
Did we lock the front door?
Hi, Bronson.
All right, Steve, Nicky.
Keeping you busy, then, are they?
Community service.
Got done for nicking some acrow
props. Sold them for scrap, like.
We know. It was our house you stole
them from. Oh, yeah, that's right.
'Ey, sorry about that.
Only it did cause our chimney
to collapse.
To be fair, that weren't down to me,
that were the helicopter.
Well, the helicopter and the fact
that there were no acrow props
to support the chimney.
Oh, yeah. I see what you're saying.
Oh, God, here comes fatso.
Right, come on, Bronson,
back to work, mate.
What's his problem?
What are your new mates like?
They're not new mates.
I went to school with them.
One of them's my cousin.
Kyle, ciggy?
Right.
That's their house there.
'Let your mind relax.
'Leave it to the universe.
'Only this moment in time exists.
'Imagine your thoughts
floating free,
'away from the everyday concern'
I mean, obviously it goes on a bit,
but you get the idea.
Mindfulness.
I definitely recommend it.
It's a bit like Buddhism, only you
can still eat sausages and stuff.
Right.
Anyway, how's the building work
going?
Well, actually, that's why
we're here, Grizzo.
We can't find a builder.
What about Martin,
the guy I told you about.
Did you ring him?
The one building a beach house
in the Bahamas for Simon Cowell?
Yeah, strangely enough,
he never got back to us.
That's weird.
I know. Bizarre, isn't it?
So, any other suggestions?
Er Ooh, let me have a think.
How we gonna sort this?
Er
I know, I've got it.
Here's what you do.
Leave it to the universe.
Well, that was worthwhile (!)
He means well.
So does Tess Daly,
why don't we go and see her next?
Well, in case the universe
doesn't fix it,
I'm gonna put a notice in the shop.
'Wanted - builder who can fix cars.'
Ooh, takeaway.
Where did you get that?
Leeds.
Oh, have you been to Leeds today?
No.
Went last month. Froze it.
Oh, right.
Stir-fry chicken with pineapple.
Do you want some?
Oh, no, you're all right, thanks.
Erm
Can I put this in the window?
£10.
I remember. £5 a month after that.
Six.
Sorry?
£6. Brexit.
Oh, right.
Oh. I've lost a £10 note.
I don't suppose I could, er,
owe you, could
No. OK.
You don't happen to know
any builders, do you?
Gareth!
Do we know any builders?
You what?!
Do we know any builders?
There's my nephew Kyle.
He's working with Bronson
at the moment.
Still at it, then?
Got to fill two bags before
Humpty Dumpty will let us go.
Well, perhaps you should
just keep Yeah, would do.
Only there's not enough litter
round here.
Maybe you should go more that way,
up by the main road.
Not allowed.
Health and safety.
Right.
You missed a bit there.
So, er
maybe you should
OK, I'll just
Stick it in't bag, if you want.
Actually, I think I might
hold on to this.
Honest John?
I've already spoken to him
on the phone,
and he actually sounds all right.
I thought you had a builder.
Yeah, so did we.
But there was a misunderstanding
and he left.
So where did you get this?
I just picked it up.
Where?
When I was out and about.
What, did someone give it to you?
No, I
If you must know,
I found it in a hedge.
I see.
We might as well give him a try,
Dad.
It's not as if we've got
a queue of builders
waiting to give us a quote.
I'm just saying,
the last person I trust
is someone who calls himself
Honest John.
It's just a trade name. I mean,
I could call myself Sexy Ken.
That doesn't mean I
Eugh, Dad, please.
Anyway, he's coming out tomorrow. He
sounds really keen to do the work,
so let's all try and sound positive
for a change.
Hm.
Is that a moth hole in your jumper?
Blimey, it's Honest John.
Honest punctual John.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Has one of you lost a tenner?
Only I found this.
Oh, thanks.
You said you'd lost one.
It was down by your wall.
I noticed you've got a wild orchid,
an early purple.
I bent down to have a look at it,
and there's this £10 note
staring back at me.
Thank you.
Oh, don't thank me, it's your money.
Right, let's have a look
at this roof, shall we?
I'm sure I'll be able
to get you sorted.
Brilliant.
Oh, what a wonderful place.
You must really love it here.
MOUTHS
This is a very reasonable quote.
And that includes materials?
Yes. I'll let you see
all the bills as I go along.
Honesty is the best policy.
Anyway, I expect you'll need time
to think about it, you know,
get some other quotes
Oh, there's no need.
We've already done that.
The job's yours.
Definitely. When can you start?
Erm, well, probably start tomorrow,
if you like?
Brilliant.
Great.
Right.
Any other questions?
Erm
No.
No.
God, he's a hard worker,
didn't even want a cup of tea.
Oh. Honest, punctual,
hard-working John.
He's gonna need to get himself
a longer van.
So have all of those got moth holes
in them?
No.
All these have.
God.
There's nothing but sheep out there,
they can eat all the wool they want.
But oh, no, it has to be
our jumpers.
Let's hope they don't go for John's,
you know
I think they only
go for natural fibres.
So what are you gonna do with them?
Just have to chuck them out.
Can't we give them to charity?
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
"I've just escaped from a war zone."
Oh, poor you,
would you like a moth-eaten jumper?
Oh, no.
What the hell is he doing here?
Sorry, Bronson, can I help you?
Er, yeah, if you like.
No, I meant what are you doing
in our garden?
Oh, right. Erm, just looking
for litter and that.
Got to fill two bags somehow.
Otherwise I'm gonna be here forever.
Ain't got any rubbish, have you?
House. Car.
Why, what's wrong with it?
Just won't start.
I'll get it started for you.
You know how to start a
Silly question.
I'll see if I can find the key.
No, I don't need it.
Just get us a paperclip.
A paperclip?
Yeah, summat like that.
Great.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's in it for me?
A load of moth-eaten clothes?
Yeah, that'll do.
ENGINE STARTS
BOTH: Ta-da!
Sorry?
The crab apples.
You know, the ones that you were
gonna leave to rot.
Oh, right.
Daddy said it's because
you don't know any better.
Did he?
Yes.
And he said you're a
Oh, look, Silas,
it's a man with a bucket.
Did I hear someone mention
crab apples?
Do you know, my granny used to make
the best crab apple jelly
in all of Yorkshire.
Won prizes, she did.
Oh.
Why don't you help yourself
to a jar?
I'm sure Steve won't mind
if you have one.
Take as many as you want.
Do you mind if I taste it first?
No.
Please do.
Taste away.
I rather think your granny
would approve.
I mean, it needs to mature
Obviously it'll improve with age.
Oh, no, this won't.
I'm afraid that's no good at all.
Hm. It's too bitter.
And the aftertaste is lacking fruit.
It's very disappointing.
Oh.
Bad luck.
Hiya.
I see you've met Honest John.
I can't wait to see your dad's face.
Honest John meets Sexy Ken.
See, Grizzo was right.
Leave it to the universe.
Er, no. The universe isn't
getting the credit for this,
I'm the one who found him.
I've been thinking,
the rates he's charging,
we might even be able
to do the living room.
You know, get that done,
decorate the place,
finally start settling in.
Yeah.
Or find some other sucker
and sell it to them.
Yeah, that one.
Oh, hi, John. How's it going?
Fancy a cup of tea?
No, thanks. There's a bit of
a problem, I'm afraid.
You've got a colony of moths.
Ha. You think?
What gave it away?
They're in the roof space.
Oh, well, now we know where
they are, we can get rid of them.
Er, that's the problem.
You can't. They're protected.
Not from moth killer, they're not.
No, they're a protected species.
It's a criminal offence
to interfere with them.
Come off it. It's hardly up there
with mugging a pensioner.
Nevertheless, you will have
to report it to the authorities.
Strictly speaking, yeah.
But can't we just, you know,
ch-ch-ch, keep quiet about it?
No.
Why not?
Well, that would be dishonest.
I'm sorry, the work's gonna have to
stop.What about our roof?
It'll have to wait until the
breeding season's over, I'm afraid.
Then there'll just be more of them.
Good point.
I found this.
That won't do it.
We need some heavy duty spray.
We are doing the right thing,
aren't we?
Of course we are.
Don't worry about Honest John.
He's a nice enough bloke,
but frankly
I mean, maybe they'll just
die out naturally.
Well, you heard what he said.
It's a colony.
That's how America started. Now
look at it. He did seem to think
Why should we be lectured by someone
who goes around with a doormat
stapled to his head? They're only
moths. I know, you're right.
It's not as if we've got a family
of snow leopards up there.
Don't speak too soon.
It's not winter yet.
CLANKING
ENGINE FAILS TO STAR
Bronson.
Hi, Shannon.
SLURPS
SLURPS
Nice?
Not really.
Er, is Bronson here?
No. Why?He got our car started,
but it's broken down again.
I've had to walk all the way here.
Exercise will do you good.
Yeah, but he said he'd fixed it.
Did you pay him?
No, but we gave him two bags of
Oh, forget it.
I don't suppose you've got
anything for moths?
Gareth!
Have we got anything for moths?
You what?!
Do we have anything
that kills moths?
You could try that perfume of yours.
Argh!
Thanks.
Actually, I'd better
take a couple more.
Just in case.
SIGHS
'Relax and take the opportunity
to slow down.
'Surrender
yourself to the universe.'
DIALS NUMBER
PHONE VIBRATES
All right, Grizzo?
Hi, Steve.
You know that hole in your roof?
Yes.
Well, I left it to the universe,
and sure enough, the universe
has come up with the answer.
Go on.
You know Martin?
My builder.
The one doing a beach house
for Simon Cowell?
Yeah. Well, they've only
gone and had a big bust-up.
Martin made a joke
about his trousers,
Cowell went ape.
LAUGHS
You'd think he'd have
heard them all.
Anyway, upshot is he's off the job,
so he's up for doing your roof.
That would be brilliant.
You haven't found a builder, then?
No. Well, we did,
but he's downed tools
because he found a protected species
of moth up there.
Oh, bummer.
So what are you gonna do?
Just get rid of them.
What, kill them?
Yeah, pretty much.
No, Steve, you can't do that.
That's bad karma.
They're only moths.
You eat sausages.
Sausages aren't a protected species,
Steve.
Yeah, good point. Those moths
are protected for a reason.
Sorry, Steve, I can't ask Martin
to go against the universe.
SIGHS
Karma
Actually, do you know,
this will probably do.
You're all right,
we've got some more somewhere.
BELL DINGS
DOOR OPENS
Congratulations.
We've heard the good news.
Hey?You've got a protected species
living in your roof.
Lucky devils. Why couldn't
they have chosen our roof?
Moths are our friends.
Can we go and see them?
No. You're not meant to
disturb them.
Who told you, anyway?
It was that lovely builder of yours.
SHANNON: Found them.
He brought round a load
of crab apples from his garden.
Turned out your apples
were the problem.
Oh. Sorry about that.And he told us
all about your little house guests.
There you go.
Yep, that is the stuff.
You make sure you don't sell
any of that.
It's really bad for moths.
Bye.
Oh. Isn't she thoughtful?
A Norfolk farmer
has been found guilty
of destroying a dormouse habitat.
Disturbing a protected species
can incur fines of up to £10,000
or a custodial sentence.
And 46-year-old Neville Carter
has been warned
he could face six months in prison.
I'm just saying,
we could go to jail.
Jail?
Well, on the news there was this
farmer and he had dormice,
and he, you know pooft!
Six months in prison.
Well, at least he's got a roof
over his head.
We can't just let all the building
work stop cos of a few moths.
Get up there
and give them a good spray.
Nobody's gonna know.
Unless you're worried
one of the moths
is gonna fly off to the
police station and report it.
Yeah, but what if Honest John does?
I told you he was bad news.
You wanna keep some of that back
and use it on him.
That is a good idea. Yeah,
like that's not against the law.
All I'm saying is are you
gonna sit there
and let your entire future be ruined
by some do-gooder
and his precious moths?
Maybe we should sleep on it.
Dear, oh, dear.
Oh, no!
I've been eaten in the night.
Oh, so have I.
Right. They have crossed the line.
This is war.
DOORBELL RINGS
Good morning.
Janet Dawson, Environment Agency.
We've been notified of a protected
species at this location.
Have you? Under Schedule 5
of the Wildlife and Countryside Act,
I'm requesting access to this
premises for inspection purposes.
The moths.
We were just gonna put that
in the bin.
So you reported it, did you?
Honesty is the best policy.
Is it? Always?
I think so, yes.
Oh, good.
Well, in that case, John,
I'll be honest. Steve.
You are a small-minded,
sanctimonious,
interfering busybody.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Oh, and while we're all
being honest,
not one person anywhere you go
ever looks at you and thinks,
'Oh, look,
'there goes Honest John
with his full head of hair.'
They all think, 'There's Honest John
who's honest about everything,
'except for the fact
that he's actually bald.'
Just being honest, John.
OK, well, since you brought it up
Yes, I do wear a wig,
and the reason I do
is that I lost my hair
because I'm having chemotherapy.
Right, well, good luck with that.
Shall I show you
where these moths are?
MUSIC: 'In The Country'
by Cliff Richard And The Shadows