G'wed (2024) s02e01 Episode Script
Oh Mighty Gay One
1
CHURCH BELL TOLLS
Smile
Though your heart is aching
Smile even though ♪
'Mourning is love
desperate to find you.
'Mourning is love
without a home.'
There are clouds ♪
'Mourning is love showing
you our unbreakable bond.'
You'll get by ♪
Mourning is love
BREATH TREMBLES
..clinging to the hope one day
we will see each other again.
SHE SOBS
WEEPING: He died too young, lad.
It's all right. It's all right.
I've decided on an open casket
so that we can all celebrate
his life together one last time.
Just smile ♪
SCREAMING: Why, Divock?!
You were taken too soon, lad!
Rest easy, little fella.
HE SOBS
When I needed a hand,
I found your paw.
If you wanna run away
with me I know a galaxy
And I can take you for a ride
Glitter in the sky
Glitter in my eyes
Shining just the way I like
If you're feeling like ♪
Oh, my God, is she
pregnant? With him?
GASPING Is it the posh lad's?
I didn't know he had it in him.
KISS It's his. Dirty bastard.
No way. GASPING
Wey! Ohh! LAUGHTER
Fuck off!
Well done for not being
preggers, though, you two.
You've been together,
like, four weeks.
That's a record for
round here, that.
Aimee, stop embarrassing yourself.
This is painful to watch.
What are you on about, you gimp?
You getting with this posh
muppet just to get close to me.
Look, I know it's
a difficult time
with the anniversary of our kiss
approaching but you've just gotta
You're obsessed with
this kiss, Reece.
I'm the best kiss you've ever had,
aren't I? Oh, it's OK to admit it.
Nah, cos you're a bad kisser. Mm,
I felt you get hard when we kissed.
I was thinking of Mo Salah.
He's not even signed a
new contract, though!
LAUGHTER Did he just say that?
I've got a kid at 16 now, boys,
with a slight air of
uncertainty if it's mine or not.
Told you I'm turning into
a fully-fledged Scouser!
Lad, you will
never be a Scouser.
You own a pair of wellies.
LAUGHTER Wellie boy!
My nan got them me for
Christmas. Your what? Your nan?
Lads, tomorrow night, don't forget,
my dad's picking up us at six -
footy and then karaoke.
Yeah! Ah!
You know, 16 years of being
absent could all be forgotten
if he nails a
rendition of Hey Jude.
LAUGHTER Shut up.
He's trying.
Sorry, I just find it insensitive,
you talking about your alive dad,
when you know mine's
dead. Ah, selfish.
He's right, mate.
You know, I feel like you've
been very insensitive lately.
You're not even thinking
about your poor ma,
who's probably going through a
whirlwind of emotions right now.
She is. Cos I am. What?
I reckon this year is the year
I should finally bury
my face in her arse.
THEY GROAN No, listen!
If I had the choice of eating
chicken dippers out of her arse,
and while I'm in there, I get
hit by a bus like Divock did
Nah, that ..I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'd take it.
What a last meal!
What a way to go.
Too soon, lad.
What?! You're a
little ming, you know.
What d'you mean?
So, boys, how's the
Buddy-Up scheme going?
I'm a changed man, sir. A
stroke of genius from you
to pair me with this
inspirational guiding light.
Can I ask, though, sir?
You didn't put us together
cos we're both gay, did you?
Are you?
I just thought
you both had views
that were perhaps more
on the, er, liberal side.
So, when you paired that
Nigerian lad who looks about 40
with the Senegalese
lad who looks about 50,
that was random, was it?
Yeah, completely random.
They are thriving. Can't
argue with results!
LAUGHTER
What about these two?
I think you'll find her hair
colour is orchid purple,
and hers is heliotrope purple.
And they're both
hardcore vegans.
Well, it's not for
me to cast aspersions
on the dietary requirements
of other people.
Why are them two together?
Generational talent
Actually, they're both short.
Hard to tell when
you're sitting.
Sir, I don't care if you put
us together cos we're both gay.
I've learnt so much
from him already.
I'm lucky that,
in a world where gay men still
face the threat of persecution,
I have a mentor like Ted Price,
who makes me feel safe, secure
and free to be who I am.
CHUCKLES SOFTLY That's
lovely, that is.
And just to clarify 100%
I had no idea you were both gay.
Mm. Oh. Close the
door on the way out.
DOOR BANGS OPEN
I despise your face
with a passion.
La, don't talk to me
for the next five weeks
until this bloody
scheme is over.
Are you sure you'll make
five more weeks, Grandad?
I'm a year older than you, so
watch your mouth, Mr One Pube.
Why? What are you gonna do?
Bore me to death with tales of how
life was bad for us in the '50s
cos we got thrown
in jail for bumming?
You know, it's hard
to take you seriously,
considering your voice
hasn't even broke yet!
You all right,
Jodie? Is Reece in?
He's just nipped
down the shop for me.
Oh, OK.
Do you not wanna come
inside and wait for him?
Er, yeah. Yeah, all right.
Is that a new cap?
Er, yeah, it is.
Suits ya.
Thanks.
Do you want some tea? I'm doing me
something. Yeah, go ahead. Sound.
I was thinking,
er, wedges and
..chicken dippers?
CHOKED VOICE: Yep. Yep.
How do you like your
dippers, Con? I don't mind.
Do you want them in
the oven, on the grill?
Whatever.
Coming out my arse, then?
HE CHOKES
SPLUTTERING GASPING: What? No.
Reece tells me
everything, you blurt.
HE COUGHS
It's all right, don't worry about
it. I know what lads are like.
It's just banter anyway, innit?
Come to think of it, I've had
a bit of a rough day, so
..I'd be up for a bit of fun
..if you are.
What do you mean you can't
play? It's starting in a minute.
'Don't worry. I put a shout out on
Discord to get you a new partner.'
Oh, is it someone we know?
Is it Hellfire? He's better
than you, to be honest.
'No, some random
called YeNansButtPlug.
'Oh, he's joining the
chat now. OK, bye!'
COMPUTER CHIMES Is
this YeNansButtPlug?
Hello?
SINGING: 'I can be
your hero, baby.'
IN SAME TUNE: What an
absolute bellend, baby.
Grow up. PLAYER'S GUN COCKS
VIDEO GAME: 'Round one.'
Oh, lad! What have I told you about
leaving your weps on top of mine?
It marks them!
JODIE GIGGLES FROM UPSTAIRS
HE SNIFFS, LAUGHTER
CON: Just tie it, please!
What the fuck?
Birds Eye? LAUGHTER
No
It can't be No.
JODIE LAUGHS
Are you sure you'll be
able to get it back out?
Mum!
Con!
THEY LAUGH
That's what you get
for grassing him up!
That was a warning. Next
time, I'm in there for real.
VIDEO GAME: 'Winner.' Get in!
SHE LAUGHS
Hey, I'm sorry I had a go
at you about your name.
Bit of a sore subject, you see,
cos my nan actually showed me
her butt plug collection once
when I went round
Traumatising.
Especially as each one came
with a practical demonstration.
'Hang on, do we have the
same nan? Are we related?'
SHE GIGGLES
Oh, I thought the interview would
be in person, but Zoom's fine.
I'm really looking forward
to it. See you then.
Oo-er, what you looking
forward to, girl?
You got a fella on the go?
Er, yeah. Ooh! Ooh!
Yeah, I've got a little date.
Been on the old Tinder and that.
MOCKING: Mustard, boy!
Oh, stop adding "boy"
to the end of everything
because you think it
makes it an insult!
You can do it to anything
and it sounds insulting.
"Oh, building an orphanage to
save the children, boy!" See?
All right, lad. I
was only messing.
Geek theory about boy, boy!
LAUGHTER
Some top-tier scran
we've had today.
Scranny McPhee.
Scrange Postecoglou.
Scran Boleyn.
LAUGHTER
Battenberg, boy! LAUGHTER
It's all about bread
crumbing now, girl.
Keeping the lads interested
by feeding them little
breadcrumbs now and again.
Like a like on Insta,
a random flirty text,
a blow job
Last one was a joke.
SING-SONG: Reece Duffy, Duffy.
He loves a Batten-bee.
TOGETHER: He gets
it down in three.
Reece Duffy, Duffy!
Putting more in the bin than
you are in your mouth again?
Lad, if there's anything you
wanna talk about, you can.
Suppose there is one thing.
How do I get this knob with
the hero complex off my back
just cos I didn't
finish my lunch?
You need to learn all the
lingo too, like "GGG".
Good, giving and game. Which
means he's sex positive.
Which means he wants to
respectfully and woke-fully
shag you senseless. Yep.
SHE PUFFS That is
really educational.
Thanks for that, girls.
TOGETHER: You're welcome.
CROWD: Ohh Believe in ya
CHEERING
Help me, oh, mighty gay one (!)
FAKE SOBBING: I lost
my mummy and my daddy.
I'm a tragic little
orphan that needs saving.
First case of a
justified orphan.
Ah Oh, here we go.
What is this dark,
scary place? What?
Am I in a What
are you doing?
..foster home? FAKE GASPS
Oh, no, please save
me, Teddy Price!
I'll save you!
And then I'll wring your
neck, you little maggot!
Now, then, trouble. What
are youse talking about?
Oh, nothing. Just having a
little chat with the girls
about the crusty tissues I
found under your bed yesterday.
Mum, you'd best be joking.
Of course I'm joking.
But if you don't put them
in the bin like I told you,
I'm gonna tell the whole school.
Where are you going?
Oh, I'm, er, just off to have my
meeting with the Tate Liverpool.
We're gonna put together
an exhibition of
your crusty tissues.
Put your face next to it.
"Intimate Moments" by
Reece Duffy. THEY LAUGH
Ta-ra.
Hey, Mum. What?
Here you are, here's one I
made earlier. Disgusting.
I have a very
important announcement.
For anyone out there
who's suffering,
for anyone out there who needs
hope in their darkest hour,
there's a very special
man that will save you.
Is it Jesus?
Ted Price.
The hero we didn't know we needed,
because we literally don't need him.
LAUGHTER
The man that's gonna make
all our lives joyful.
Unlucky, Ted, lad.
So, please, let's hear
it for the one and only,
our saviour Ted Price.
When I say Ted, you say Price.
Ted! ALL: Price!
Price! Price! Price!
ALL: Price! Price! Price!
HEART BEATS, HEAVY BREATHING
CHANTING: Your defence is
terrified, Alan's on fire.
Your defence is
terrified, Alan's on fire.
Your defence is terrified
What a whopping win, lads.
Oh, we should join
a six-a-side league.
We will piss it with
Alan on our side.
Drinks are on me, lads. Let's
celebrate this victory, yeah?
ALL CHEER Your dad is sick.
Oh, aye?
If I had the choice of five minutes
alone with my dead dad or your dad,
I'd choose your dad. LAUGHTER
He has one of the sweetest
left foots I've ever seen.
Goated. Mwah.
You know why I was so good
out there today, lads?
Cos I don't feel the
weight of the bib.
I play without fear.
Cos there goes the
fear. Let it go.
You turn around, and
life's passed you by.
Don't waste chances
being afraid, yeah?
Cos I'm telling you, boys,
everything you've ever wanted
..is on the other side of fear.
I'm scared of karaoke, but you
know what? I'm gonna do it.
CHEERING
Go 'ead, lad. Come on.
No, there's been a mistake.
This isn't the song I picked.
You got this. Come on.
Come on, lad.
So don't ask me ♪
MICROPHONE SCREECHES Oh, God.
Go on. What you
know is true ♪
Give me that mic, lad.
Don't have to tell you ♪
CHEERING
I love your precious heart
I I
I was standing there
You were there ♪
Go on, lad.
He has a beautiful voice.
Two worlds collided
And they could never
Tear us apart ♪
CHEERING Guitar.
Take it away, son.
We could live ♪
CHEERING G'wed, lad.
For a thousand years
If I hurt you
I'd make wine from your tears
I told you
That we could fly ♪
Hello. How's my favourite
underpaid glass collector?
Viv, if you're gonna ask if
I can work tonight, I can't.
I'm back in school.
I'm not asking you to work. But
I do have a special request.
You said that'd be a one-time thing
and I'd never have to do it again.
I wouldn't be asking
you to do that again.
I've had better head
from a blow-up doll.
Our usual compere's
got another gig,
so we need someone for the drag
night Thursday. What do you reckon?
You want me to do it? No,
knobhead, do you know anyone?
I'm messing. Of
course I'm asking you.
Listen, I think
you've got something.
When you speak, people listen.
You grab their attention,
so it's time to stop
living in the shadows
and step into the
lights of my stage.
Now, don't you dare
be funnier than me.
Viv, are you sure?
Of course I'm sure.
Oh, come on, lad, what's
the worst that can happen?
You bomb so hard, you
become a shell of a man
so traumatised you
never leave the house.
Cos I tell you what, if you do bomb,
I'm never speaking to you again.
Could never
Ever tear us apart ♪
CHEERING Go on, then.
My favourite bit now, son.
What is it? Saxophone.
CHEERING
Lad, this is all because
of you, you know.
Nice one. I'm gonna make
up for some lost time.
Shame, he's just told me he's
doing one of his own songs next
called "I Hate My Son."
As if, lad. THEY CHUCKLE
Everybody, come on!
I
I was standing ♪
Come on, everybody.
You were there
Two worlds colliding
And they will never
Tear us apart ♪
It's you and me now, kid.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This fucking skirt's killing me.
LAPTOP CHIMES Shit.
'Hello. Hello?
'Hi, Jodie.' Hi.
'It's Robert here
'from Central Liverpool
Housing Association.
'I believe you came to
us via the Job Centre?'
Yeah, I was looking
for some part-time ways
to be starting my career.
I've got a law degree,
I got it in 2007.
Er, I got pregnant afterwards,
so I haven't really had a
chance to do anything with it.
'We were all young and
foolish once, my love.'
Just give us the ciggies,
will you? I gave you 20 quid.
Lad, forget the ciggies.
You should be putting food in your
mouth, you scrawny little rat.
THEY LAUGH
This morning, honestly, I had a
shit that was bigger than you.
Hey, you know in Africa and that
they have adverts on the telly
asking them to send food to you.
THEY LAUGH
Pass the ciggies, before youse
both get booted to Africa.
Rat. Lad, come on.
Are you groom bumming this
little lad, then, Ted, lad, yeah?
Kieron, you can't even spell
the word "groom". Be gone.
Come on.
I told you to leave it to me,
lad. How do you spell groom?
What are you doing?
I didn't say I was getting
them for you, did I?
HE CHUCKLES
I know that I'm your homie I
ain't just gonna let that go. ♪
'I agree, with your
underprivileged background
'and your experience
of the many issues
'our clients suffer from,
'I really think our clients
are gonna connect with you.'
Yeah, I mean, I've had them all.
Substance abuse issues,
homelessness, unemployment,
domestic violence,
and the big crowd pleaser,
mental health crises.
'You know, I feel for
women in your situation.
'It isn't easy balancing
career with issues.
'Then you stupidly get pregnant,
which only compounds your problems,
'and you end up deeply
regretting having the child,
'as you've basically screwed
up your whole career.'
Will you wind your neck in,
you patronising gobshite?
I don't regret
anything about my life.
In fact, I really like
it, and having that boy
was the best thing that could
have ever happened to me.
Oh, and while I'm at it,
I live amongst these people
with their so-called issues
and let me tell you
something for nothing,
with all their problems,
not a one of them
is as big of a delusional
dickhead as you are.
Hey, Mum. What are you doing?
Oh, look, son. We've
got big money problems.
Someone's got to do some cam work
and it's not gonna be you, is it?
As if. I'd make more than you.
As if. Midget porn.
It's a big market.
ROBERT CLEARS THROA
Fuck off.
SHE LAUGHS Who uses
WhatsApp anyway, Grandad?
'I'm only using WhatsApp
cos Bebo's down.'
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, my God, you picked
you on your moped.
Is that cos you hope girls
will look at it and think,
"Oh, my God. Will you
take me for a ride?"
SHE LAUGHS 'Have
you finished?'
So, three wins together.
Have I passed the trial?
Trial to be the most
annoying bellend
who happens to be
great at Payday?
Yeah, with flying
colours. Get in.
Do yourself a favour
Do, do, do, do, do ♪
HE SIGHS Little shit.
HE GULPS
FOOTSTEPS
How are we, kid?
You do realise
we don't have to hang around
toilets for sex any more?
We're accepted now.
Not having lunch today?
I'm allergic to fish.
I had a Maccies before.
What did you have?
The Big Tasty Burger.
That's seasonal, mate.
They don't have it now.
It's back, lad. Albie, I
know what you're doing.
Making up allergies,
saying you feel sick,
smoking so you
don't feel hungry.
Smoking was cool in the
'50s. I don't blame you.
Lad, I've been where you are.
In this cubicle? Is this where
you hid from the Nazis in 1943?
Lad, they wouldn't
execute you for being gay.
They'd execute you
for being so annoying.
I know about that
prison in your head.
I know how that prison's
full of anxiety.
Anxiety when you catch a look
at yourself in the mirror.
Anxiety when you allow
yourself that one bite.
The constant thoughts and obsessions
about food, calories, weight, BMI.
"You should exercise more.
"Knew you shouldn't
have had that bite."
The thoughts are so exhausting,
that you think you just want peace
and you think that not waking up
in the morning wouldn't be so bad.
I'm coming out
I want the world to know. ♪
Fuck's sake.
Did you listen to
anything I've just said?
Why did you stop boxing?
How do you know about that?
My cousin goes to
the same club as you.
He says you're good,
but a few months ago,
you stopped going. Why?
I didn't fancy it any more.
Sure, mate, yeah.
Here's what I think.
You go around acting like
you're the perfect gay
who's got it all figured out.
Yet you don't think you're worthy
enough to box with straight lads?
Seems like the almighty
gay one's a big hypocrite.
Shut up, you little prick.
I'm here trying to help you.
If I ever wanna learn about
how to be a weak coward
who's one big fraud,
I'll come to you.
But until then, fuck
off, and leave me alone.
Fuck!
PHONE BUZZES
'Hi, Jodie.' Robbie.
'Robert here from Central
Liverpool Housing Association.
'We'd like to offer you
the job.' You're messing!
I called you a
delusional dickhead.
'Upon reflection, I
realised you had an empathy
'and open-minded attitude
towards our clients,
'which I think will be a
huge asset to our office.'
Thank you. I'll take it.
'Great.'
Although can we not mention
it to the Job Centre?
I still wanna keep
my benefits, like.
'I'm afraid that's
illegal, and I'
HE STUTTERS
'You're joking, aren't
you?' THEY CHUCKLE
'Very good. Congratulations.
'Looking forward to
working with you.'
Nice one, Robbie.
You fucking dancer!
Who were you on the phone to?
Oh, it's, er,
little-people-porn-cams-dot-com.
Yeah.
Five foot one
maximum? No problem.
Bigger than two inches?
Definitely not. HE SCOFFS
Welcome to Boss Little
Queers These Ya Know.
Don't worry, lads, if I
can transform this face,
there's hope for youse, too.
We've got a new compere
for you this evening.
It's his first night,
so please be nice.
Oh, shit.
And, yes, I'm looking
at you lot. THEY LAUGH
No bouncing bottles
off his head.
Oh, what's he doing?
The old prick.
Give it up for the
gorgeous Ted Price.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Who's ready for a night
of eleganza extravaganza?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ALBIE BREATHES HEAVILY
I love drag queens, me.
Why do drag queens
always have money?
Why? Cos she knows
how to tuck it away.
Ooh.
This pubeless one is
dying on his arse.
Shut up, Derek. If I wanted to hear
an arsehole speak, I'd fart, mate.
LAUGHTER
Just fucking pick up.
My curly-haired homophobic
friend in the audience tonight.
Stand up, Con. Come on,
give him a little clap.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This boy asks me hundreds of
thousands of questions a day.
Each one more homophobic
than the last.
It was literally someone,
"Ay, lad, if you're gay, how
come you never come on to me?"
Normally, I've just gone with,
"Oh, gay lads have a type," or
"We don't fancy every man alive."
But in his case, it's because
he is one right ugly fucker.
LAUGHTER
And Reece is in the audience.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This boy has just been
reunited with his dad
face-to-face after 16 years.
CROWD: Aww. They're
not estranged.
They just finally found a
ladder that was big enough.
LAUGHTER
HEAVY BREATHING
MUFFLED: Thank you so much,
everyone. Thanks for having me.
You've been great. You've
been a gorgeous audience.
I've been Ted, and you've
been lovely. Thanks, lads.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Love you so much.
Everyone here, I just want to say
thank you so much for being so kind.
I'm in the corner
Watching you kiss her
Whoa, oh, oh
Ooh, ooh
I'll keep dancing on my own. ♪
CHEERING Come on, Ted.
TINNY MUSIC
Into your soul
Into your soul ♪
MUSIC: 'Smalltown
Boy' by Bronski Beat
EXHALES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on, you're gonna be
seeing a lot more of this lad.
Give it up for the
gorgeous Ted Price.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Don't take me home
Please don't take me home
Just don't wanna go to school
Wanna stay up all
night Watching Ted Price
Please don't Please
don't take me home ♪
Hello.
Don't take me home ♪
No.
Just don't wanna go to school
Wanna stay up all night
Watching Ted Price ♪
Albie.
I'm so sorry I let you down.
ALBIE INHALES, TED GASPS
Is this Heaven? Lad,
you're in hospital.
Oh, mighty gay one Ted
Price at gay Heaven's doors.
TED CHUCKLES Please let me in.
What's the doctor
said? I'll be OK.
So that stuff I bought on
the dark web wasn't any good.
I wonder what the
refunds policy is?
TED CHUCKLES
I've got a confession.
This is gonna sound really
crazy and out the blue,
but I think I've got anorexia.
I am blown away, lad. Really?
TED CHUCKLES
I was 11 when it
clicked I was gay,
and my first thought
was, "Oh, shit,"
cos that's how
society's made us feel.
Then you put this
negativity on yourself,
and it messes up
your self-esteem.
Anorexia makes you believe
that if you keep doing what
it wants, you'll be OK.
But it's a liar.
Very good liar, to be fair.
Facing your inner
demons is scary, but
..everything you want, it's on
the other side of that fear.
I got better.
You will too.
Another confession.
I really appreciate
you looking out for me.
It's been my pleasure.
Oof. Big hairy daddy
hand, this. Excuse me?
These daddy hands are
here to look after you.
Come on, let me fix your pillow.
CHOKING What are you doing?
ALBIE GASPS Nurse, help.
This old fella's
saying he's my daddy.
Making me do things
I don't wanna do.
He's very, very sick. Get out.
MUSIC: 'Smalltown
Boy' by Bronski Beat
accessibility@itv.com
CHURCH BELL TOLLS
Smile
Though your heart is aching
Smile even though ♪
'Mourning is love
desperate to find you.
'Mourning is love
without a home.'
There are clouds ♪
'Mourning is love showing
you our unbreakable bond.'
You'll get by ♪
Mourning is love
BREATH TREMBLES
..clinging to the hope one day
we will see each other again.
SHE SOBS
WEEPING: He died too young, lad.
It's all right. It's all right.
I've decided on an open casket
so that we can all celebrate
his life together one last time.
Just smile ♪
SCREAMING: Why, Divock?!
You were taken too soon, lad!
Rest easy, little fella.
HE SOBS
When I needed a hand,
I found your paw.
If you wanna run away
with me I know a galaxy
And I can take you for a ride
Glitter in the sky
Glitter in my eyes
Shining just the way I like
If you're feeling like ♪
Oh, my God, is she
pregnant? With him?
GASPING Is it the posh lad's?
I didn't know he had it in him.
KISS It's his. Dirty bastard.
No way. GASPING
Wey! Ohh! LAUGHTER
Fuck off!
Well done for not being
preggers, though, you two.
You've been together,
like, four weeks.
That's a record for
round here, that.
Aimee, stop embarrassing yourself.
This is painful to watch.
What are you on about, you gimp?
You getting with this posh
muppet just to get close to me.
Look, I know it's
a difficult time
with the anniversary of our kiss
approaching but you've just gotta
You're obsessed with
this kiss, Reece.
I'm the best kiss you've ever had,
aren't I? Oh, it's OK to admit it.
Nah, cos you're a bad kisser. Mm,
I felt you get hard when we kissed.
I was thinking of Mo Salah.
He's not even signed a
new contract, though!
LAUGHTER Did he just say that?
I've got a kid at 16 now, boys,
with a slight air of
uncertainty if it's mine or not.
Told you I'm turning into
a fully-fledged Scouser!
Lad, you will
never be a Scouser.
You own a pair of wellies.
LAUGHTER Wellie boy!
My nan got them me for
Christmas. Your what? Your nan?
Lads, tomorrow night, don't forget,
my dad's picking up us at six -
footy and then karaoke.
Yeah! Ah!
You know, 16 years of being
absent could all be forgotten
if he nails a
rendition of Hey Jude.
LAUGHTER Shut up.
He's trying.
Sorry, I just find it insensitive,
you talking about your alive dad,
when you know mine's
dead. Ah, selfish.
He's right, mate.
You know, I feel like you've
been very insensitive lately.
You're not even thinking
about your poor ma,
who's probably going through a
whirlwind of emotions right now.
She is. Cos I am. What?
I reckon this year is the year
I should finally bury
my face in her arse.
THEY GROAN No, listen!
If I had the choice of eating
chicken dippers out of her arse,
and while I'm in there, I get
hit by a bus like Divock did
Nah, that ..I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'd take it.
What a last meal!
What a way to go.
Too soon, lad.
What?! You're a
little ming, you know.
What d'you mean?
So, boys, how's the
Buddy-Up scheme going?
I'm a changed man, sir. A
stroke of genius from you
to pair me with this
inspirational guiding light.
Can I ask, though, sir?
You didn't put us together
cos we're both gay, did you?
Are you?
I just thought
you both had views
that were perhaps more
on the, er, liberal side.
So, when you paired that
Nigerian lad who looks about 40
with the Senegalese
lad who looks about 50,
that was random, was it?
Yeah, completely random.
They are thriving. Can't
argue with results!
LAUGHTER
What about these two?
I think you'll find her hair
colour is orchid purple,
and hers is heliotrope purple.
And they're both
hardcore vegans.
Well, it's not for
me to cast aspersions
on the dietary requirements
of other people.
Why are them two together?
Generational talent
Actually, they're both short.
Hard to tell when
you're sitting.
Sir, I don't care if you put
us together cos we're both gay.
I've learnt so much
from him already.
I'm lucky that,
in a world where gay men still
face the threat of persecution,
I have a mentor like Ted Price,
who makes me feel safe, secure
and free to be who I am.
CHUCKLES SOFTLY That's
lovely, that is.
And just to clarify 100%
I had no idea you were both gay.
Mm. Oh. Close the
door on the way out.
DOOR BANGS OPEN
I despise your face
with a passion.
La, don't talk to me
for the next five weeks
until this bloody
scheme is over.
Are you sure you'll make
five more weeks, Grandad?
I'm a year older than you, so
watch your mouth, Mr One Pube.
Why? What are you gonna do?
Bore me to death with tales of how
life was bad for us in the '50s
cos we got thrown
in jail for bumming?
You know, it's hard
to take you seriously,
considering your voice
hasn't even broke yet!
You all right,
Jodie? Is Reece in?
He's just nipped
down the shop for me.
Oh, OK.
Do you not wanna come
inside and wait for him?
Er, yeah. Yeah, all right.
Is that a new cap?
Er, yeah, it is.
Suits ya.
Thanks.
Do you want some tea? I'm doing me
something. Yeah, go ahead. Sound.
I was thinking,
er, wedges and
..chicken dippers?
CHOKED VOICE: Yep. Yep.
How do you like your
dippers, Con? I don't mind.
Do you want them in
the oven, on the grill?
Whatever.
Coming out my arse, then?
HE CHOKES
SPLUTTERING GASPING: What? No.
Reece tells me
everything, you blurt.
HE COUGHS
It's all right, don't worry about
it. I know what lads are like.
It's just banter anyway, innit?
Come to think of it, I've had
a bit of a rough day, so
..I'd be up for a bit of fun
..if you are.
What do you mean you can't
play? It's starting in a minute.
'Don't worry. I put a shout out on
Discord to get you a new partner.'
Oh, is it someone we know?
Is it Hellfire? He's better
than you, to be honest.
'No, some random
called YeNansButtPlug.
'Oh, he's joining the
chat now. OK, bye!'
COMPUTER CHIMES Is
this YeNansButtPlug?
Hello?
SINGING: 'I can be
your hero, baby.'
IN SAME TUNE: What an
absolute bellend, baby.
Grow up. PLAYER'S GUN COCKS
VIDEO GAME: 'Round one.'
Oh, lad! What have I told you about
leaving your weps on top of mine?
It marks them!
JODIE GIGGLES FROM UPSTAIRS
HE SNIFFS, LAUGHTER
CON: Just tie it, please!
What the fuck?
Birds Eye? LAUGHTER
No
It can't be No.
JODIE LAUGHS
Are you sure you'll be
able to get it back out?
Mum!
Con!
THEY LAUGH
That's what you get
for grassing him up!
That was a warning. Next
time, I'm in there for real.
VIDEO GAME: 'Winner.' Get in!
SHE LAUGHS
Hey, I'm sorry I had a go
at you about your name.
Bit of a sore subject, you see,
cos my nan actually showed me
her butt plug collection once
when I went round
Traumatising.
Especially as each one came
with a practical demonstration.
'Hang on, do we have the
same nan? Are we related?'
SHE GIGGLES
Oh, I thought the interview would
be in person, but Zoom's fine.
I'm really looking forward
to it. See you then.
Oo-er, what you looking
forward to, girl?
You got a fella on the go?
Er, yeah. Ooh! Ooh!
Yeah, I've got a little date.
Been on the old Tinder and that.
MOCKING: Mustard, boy!
Oh, stop adding "boy"
to the end of everything
because you think it
makes it an insult!
You can do it to anything
and it sounds insulting.
"Oh, building an orphanage to
save the children, boy!" See?
All right, lad. I
was only messing.
Geek theory about boy, boy!
LAUGHTER
Some top-tier scran
we've had today.
Scranny McPhee.
Scrange Postecoglou.
Scran Boleyn.
LAUGHTER
Battenberg, boy! LAUGHTER
It's all about bread
crumbing now, girl.
Keeping the lads interested
by feeding them little
breadcrumbs now and again.
Like a like on Insta,
a random flirty text,
a blow job
Last one was a joke.
SING-SONG: Reece Duffy, Duffy.
He loves a Batten-bee.
TOGETHER: He gets
it down in three.
Reece Duffy, Duffy!
Putting more in the bin than
you are in your mouth again?
Lad, if there's anything you
wanna talk about, you can.
Suppose there is one thing.
How do I get this knob with
the hero complex off my back
just cos I didn't
finish my lunch?
You need to learn all the
lingo too, like "GGG".
Good, giving and game. Which
means he's sex positive.
Which means he wants to
respectfully and woke-fully
shag you senseless. Yep.
SHE PUFFS That is
really educational.
Thanks for that, girls.
TOGETHER: You're welcome.
CROWD: Ohh Believe in ya
CHEERING
Help me, oh, mighty gay one (!)
FAKE SOBBING: I lost
my mummy and my daddy.
I'm a tragic little
orphan that needs saving.
First case of a
justified orphan.
Ah Oh, here we go.
What is this dark,
scary place? What?
Am I in a What
are you doing?
..foster home? FAKE GASPS
Oh, no, please save
me, Teddy Price!
I'll save you!
And then I'll wring your
neck, you little maggot!
Now, then, trouble. What
are youse talking about?
Oh, nothing. Just having a
little chat with the girls
about the crusty tissues I
found under your bed yesterday.
Mum, you'd best be joking.
Of course I'm joking.
But if you don't put them
in the bin like I told you,
I'm gonna tell the whole school.
Where are you going?
Oh, I'm, er, just off to have my
meeting with the Tate Liverpool.
We're gonna put together
an exhibition of
your crusty tissues.
Put your face next to it.
"Intimate Moments" by
Reece Duffy. THEY LAUGH
Ta-ra.
Hey, Mum. What?
Here you are, here's one I
made earlier. Disgusting.
I have a very
important announcement.
For anyone out there
who's suffering,
for anyone out there who needs
hope in their darkest hour,
there's a very special
man that will save you.
Is it Jesus?
Ted Price.
The hero we didn't know we needed,
because we literally don't need him.
LAUGHTER
The man that's gonna make
all our lives joyful.
Unlucky, Ted, lad.
So, please, let's hear
it for the one and only,
our saviour Ted Price.
When I say Ted, you say Price.
Ted! ALL: Price!
Price! Price! Price!
ALL: Price! Price! Price!
HEART BEATS, HEAVY BREATHING
CHANTING: Your defence is
terrified, Alan's on fire.
Your defence is
terrified, Alan's on fire.
Your defence is terrified
What a whopping win, lads.
Oh, we should join
a six-a-side league.
We will piss it with
Alan on our side.
Drinks are on me, lads. Let's
celebrate this victory, yeah?
ALL CHEER Your dad is sick.
Oh, aye?
If I had the choice of five minutes
alone with my dead dad or your dad,
I'd choose your dad. LAUGHTER
He has one of the sweetest
left foots I've ever seen.
Goated. Mwah.
You know why I was so good
out there today, lads?
Cos I don't feel the
weight of the bib.
I play without fear.
Cos there goes the
fear. Let it go.
You turn around, and
life's passed you by.
Don't waste chances
being afraid, yeah?
Cos I'm telling you, boys,
everything you've ever wanted
..is on the other side of fear.
I'm scared of karaoke, but you
know what? I'm gonna do it.
CHEERING
Go 'ead, lad. Come on.
No, there's been a mistake.
This isn't the song I picked.
You got this. Come on.
Come on, lad.
So don't ask me ♪
MICROPHONE SCREECHES Oh, God.
Go on. What you
know is true ♪
Give me that mic, lad.
Don't have to tell you ♪
CHEERING
I love your precious heart
I I
I was standing there
You were there ♪
Go on, lad.
He has a beautiful voice.
Two worlds collided
And they could never
Tear us apart ♪
CHEERING Guitar.
Take it away, son.
We could live ♪
CHEERING G'wed, lad.
For a thousand years
If I hurt you
I'd make wine from your tears
I told you
That we could fly ♪
Hello. How's my favourite
underpaid glass collector?
Viv, if you're gonna ask if
I can work tonight, I can't.
I'm back in school.
I'm not asking you to work. But
I do have a special request.
You said that'd be a one-time thing
and I'd never have to do it again.
I wouldn't be asking
you to do that again.
I've had better head
from a blow-up doll.
Our usual compere's
got another gig,
so we need someone for the drag
night Thursday. What do you reckon?
You want me to do it? No,
knobhead, do you know anyone?
I'm messing. Of
course I'm asking you.
Listen, I think
you've got something.
When you speak, people listen.
You grab their attention,
so it's time to stop
living in the shadows
and step into the
lights of my stage.
Now, don't you dare
be funnier than me.
Viv, are you sure?
Of course I'm sure.
Oh, come on, lad, what's
the worst that can happen?
You bomb so hard, you
become a shell of a man
so traumatised you
never leave the house.
Cos I tell you what, if you do bomb,
I'm never speaking to you again.
Could never
Ever tear us apart ♪
CHEERING Go on, then.
My favourite bit now, son.
What is it? Saxophone.
CHEERING
Lad, this is all because
of you, you know.
Nice one. I'm gonna make
up for some lost time.
Shame, he's just told me he's
doing one of his own songs next
called "I Hate My Son."
As if, lad. THEY CHUCKLE
Everybody, come on!
I
I was standing ♪
Come on, everybody.
You were there
Two worlds colliding
And they will never
Tear us apart ♪
It's you and me now, kid.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This fucking skirt's killing me.
LAPTOP CHIMES Shit.
'Hello. Hello?
'Hi, Jodie.' Hi.
'It's Robert here
'from Central Liverpool
Housing Association.
'I believe you came to
us via the Job Centre?'
Yeah, I was looking
for some part-time ways
to be starting my career.
I've got a law degree,
I got it in 2007.
Er, I got pregnant afterwards,
so I haven't really had a
chance to do anything with it.
'We were all young and
foolish once, my love.'
Just give us the ciggies,
will you? I gave you 20 quid.
Lad, forget the ciggies.
You should be putting food in your
mouth, you scrawny little rat.
THEY LAUGH
This morning, honestly, I had a
shit that was bigger than you.
Hey, you know in Africa and that
they have adverts on the telly
asking them to send food to you.
THEY LAUGH
Pass the ciggies, before youse
both get booted to Africa.
Rat. Lad, come on.
Are you groom bumming this
little lad, then, Ted, lad, yeah?
Kieron, you can't even spell
the word "groom". Be gone.
Come on.
I told you to leave it to me,
lad. How do you spell groom?
What are you doing?
I didn't say I was getting
them for you, did I?
HE CHUCKLES
I know that I'm your homie I
ain't just gonna let that go. ♪
'I agree, with your
underprivileged background
'and your experience
of the many issues
'our clients suffer from,
'I really think our clients
are gonna connect with you.'
Yeah, I mean, I've had them all.
Substance abuse issues,
homelessness, unemployment,
domestic violence,
and the big crowd pleaser,
mental health crises.
'You know, I feel for
women in your situation.
'It isn't easy balancing
career with issues.
'Then you stupidly get pregnant,
which only compounds your problems,
'and you end up deeply
regretting having the child,
'as you've basically screwed
up your whole career.'
Will you wind your neck in,
you patronising gobshite?
I don't regret
anything about my life.
In fact, I really like
it, and having that boy
was the best thing that could
have ever happened to me.
Oh, and while I'm at it,
I live amongst these people
with their so-called issues
and let me tell you
something for nothing,
with all their problems,
not a one of them
is as big of a delusional
dickhead as you are.
Hey, Mum. What are you doing?
Oh, look, son. We've
got big money problems.
Someone's got to do some cam work
and it's not gonna be you, is it?
As if. I'd make more than you.
As if. Midget porn.
It's a big market.
ROBERT CLEARS THROA
Fuck off.
SHE LAUGHS Who uses
WhatsApp anyway, Grandad?
'I'm only using WhatsApp
cos Bebo's down.'
SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, my God, you picked
you on your moped.
Is that cos you hope girls
will look at it and think,
"Oh, my God. Will you
take me for a ride?"
SHE LAUGHS 'Have
you finished?'
So, three wins together.
Have I passed the trial?
Trial to be the most
annoying bellend
who happens to be
great at Payday?
Yeah, with flying
colours. Get in.
Do yourself a favour
Do, do, do, do, do ♪
HE SIGHS Little shit.
HE GULPS
FOOTSTEPS
How are we, kid?
You do realise
we don't have to hang around
toilets for sex any more?
We're accepted now.
Not having lunch today?
I'm allergic to fish.
I had a Maccies before.
What did you have?
The Big Tasty Burger.
That's seasonal, mate.
They don't have it now.
It's back, lad. Albie, I
know what you're doing.
Making up allergies,
saying you feel sick,
smoking so you
don't feel hungry.
Smoking was cool in the
'50s. I don't blame you.
Lad, I've been where you are.
In this cubicle? Is this where
you hid from the Nazis in 1943?
Lad, they wouldn't
execute you for being gay.
They'd execute you
for being so annoying.
I know about that
prison in your head.
I know how that prison's
full of anxiety.
Anxiety when you catch a look
at yourself in the mirror.
Anxiety when you allow
yourself that one bite.
The constant thoughts and obsessions
about food, calories, weight, BMI.
"You should exercise more.
"Knew you shouldn't
have had that bite."
The thoughts are so exhausting,
that you think you just want peace
and you think that not waking up
in the morning wouldn't be so bad.
I'm coming out
I want the world to know. ♪
Fuck's sake.
Did you listen to
anything I've just said?
Why did you stop boxing?
How do you know about that?
My cousin goes to
the same club as you.
He says you're good,
but a few months ago,
you stopped going. Why?
I didn't fancy it any more.
Sure, mate, yeah.
Here's what I think.
You go around acting like
you're the perfect gay
who's got it all figured out.
Yet you don't think you're worthy
enough to box with straight lads?
Seems like the almighty
gay one's a big hypocrite.
Shut up, you little prick.
I'm here trying to help you.
If I ever wanna learn about
how to be a weak coward
who's one big fraud,
I'll come to you.
But until then, fuck
off, and leave me alone.
Fuck!
PHONE BUZZES
'Hi, Jodie.' Robbie.
'Robert here from Central
Liverpool Housing Association.
'We'd like to offer you
the job.' You're messing!
I called you a
delusional dickhead.
'Upon reflection, I
realised you had an empathy
'and open-minded attitude
towards our clients,
'which I think will be a
huge asset to our office.'
Thank you. I'll take it.
'Great.'
Although can we not mention
it to the Job Centre?
I still wanna keep
my benefits, like.
'I'm afraid that's
illegal, and I'
HE STUTTERS
'You're joking, aren't
you?' THEY CHUCKLE
'Very good. Congratulations.
'Looking forward to
working with you.'
Nice one, Robbie.
You fucking dancer!
Who were you on the phone to?
Oh, it's, er,
little-people-porn-cams-dot-com.
Yeah.
Five foot one
maximum? No problem.
Bigger than two inches?
Definitely not. HE SCOFFS
Welcome to Boss Little
Queers These Ya Know.
Don't worry, lads, if I
can transform this face,
there's hope for youse, too.
We've got a new compere
for you this evening.
It's his first night,
so please be nice.
Oh, shit.
And, yes, I'm looking
at you lot. THEY LAUGH
No bouncing bottles
off his head.
Oh, what's he doing?
The old prick.
Give it up for the
gorgeous Ted Price.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good evening.
Who's ready for a night
of eleganza extravaganza?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
ALBIE BREATHES HEAVILY
I love drag queens, me.
Why do drag queens
always have money?
Why? Cos she knows
how to tuck it away.
Ooh.
This pubeless one is
dying on his arse.
Shut up, Derek. If I wanted to hear
an arsehole speak, I'd fart, mate.
LAUGHTER
Just fucking pick up.
My curly-haired homophobic
friend in the audience tonight.
Stand up, Con. Come on,
give him a little clap.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This boy asks me hundreds of
thousands of questions a day.
Each one more homophobic
than the last.
It was literally someone,
"Ay, lad, if you're gay, how
come you never come on to me?"
Normally, I've just gone with,
"Oh, gay lads have a type," or
"We don't fancy every man alive."
But in his case, it's because
he is one right ugly fucker.
LAUGHTER
And Reece is in the audience.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
This boy has just been
reunited with his dad
face-to-face after 16 years.
CROWD: Aww. They're
not estranged.
They just finally found a
ladder that was big enough.
LAUGHTER
HEAVY BREATHING
MUFFLED: Thank you so much,
everyone. Thanks for having me.
You've been great. You've
been a gorgeous audience.
I've been Ted, and you've
been lovely. Thanks, lads.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Love you so much.
Everyone here, I just want to say
thank you so much for being so kind.
I'm in the corner
Watching you kiss her
Whoa, oh, oh
Ooh, ooh
I'll keep dancing on my own. ♪
CHEERING Come on, Ted.
TINNY MUSIC
Into your soul
Into your soul ♪
MUSIC: 'Smalltown
Boy' by Bronski Beat
EXHALES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on, you're gonna be
seeing a lot more of this lad.
Give it up for the
gorgeous Ted Price.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Don't take me home
Please don't take me home
Just don't wanna go to school
Wanna stay up all
night Watching Ted Price
Please don't Please
don't take me home ♪
Hello.
Don't take me home ♪
No.
Just don't wanna go to school
Wanna stay up all night
Watching Ted Price ♪
Albie.
I'm so sorry I let you down.
ALBIE INHALES, TED GASPS
Is this Heaven? Lad,
you're in hospital.
Oh, mighty gay one Ted
Price at gay Heaven's doors.
TED CHUCKLES Please let me in.
What's the doctor
said? I'll be OK.
So that stuff I bought on
the dark web wasn't any good.
I wonder what the
refunds policy is?
TED CHUCKLES
I've got a confession.
This is gonna sound really
crazy and out the blue,
but I think I've got anorexia.
I am blown away, lad. Really?
TED CHUCKLES
I was 11 when it
clicked I was gay,
and my first thought
was, "Oh, shit,"
cos that's how
society's made us feel.
Then you put this
negativity on yourself,
and it messes up
your self-esteem.
Anorexia makes you believe
that if you keep doing what
it wants, you'll be OK.
But it's a liar.
Very good liar, to be fair.
Facing your inner
demons is scary, but
..everything you want, it's on
the other side of that fear.
I got better.
You will too.
Another confession.
I really appreciate
you looking out for me.
It's been my pleasure.
Oof. Big hairy daddy
hand, this. Excuse me?
These daddy hands are
here to look after you.
Come on, let me fix your pillow.
CHOKING What are you doing?
ALBIE GASPS Nurse, help.
This old fella's
saying he's my daddy.
Making me do things
I don't wanna do.
He's very, very sick. Get out.
MUSIC: 'Smalltown
Boy' by Bronski Beat
accessibility@itv.com