Mork and Mindy (1978) s02e01 Episode Script
Mork in Wonderland
MORK: Nanu, nanu! ( upbeat theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) ( thunder crashes ) ( thunder crashes ) Here's your coffee, Mr.
Bickley.
Ahh.
There you go.
Mm, just like Mom used to make.
Oh, well, thank you.
Mom's coffee was awful too.
Thanks a lot.
Mm, Mr.
Bickley, I was wondering if you wanted to go to Utah with Mork and me to visit Dad.
You're not gonna believe this.
He got a job with a symphony orchestra.
It's his big debut.
I'm so proud of him.
I never liked your dad much.
Thanks.
That's a nice thing to say.
Oh, it's not his fault.
I never liked anybody very much.
But I must say, it's not easy for a man to sell his business and take a new job.
I know.
That's why this job is so perfect for him.
He's always wanted to be a symphony conductor, and this orchestra is gonna take him around the country.
Ah, yes.
Zubin McConnell.
Ha! Don't panic.
Oh, no, not again.
It's nothing serious.
Just the world as we know it is coming to an end.
Ah, it's about time.
The, uh, world is coming The world as we know it.
The world as we know it is coming to an end.
Right.
You see, I went downtown to buy a book, the Life and Hard Times of Princess Rainier of Monaco, and there, plastered on every newspaper, was "energy crisis.
" Don't panic.
Don't panic.
Remain calm.
Energy crisis.
Big deal.
Big deal? It is a big deal, Mr.
Smarty-Pants Republican.
Unless we find an alternative source of energy for oil, we have to conserve, and I was making darn sure we conserve.
Oh, Mork, what were you doing? I shot out the streetlights in downtown Boulder.
I took out all the traffic lights too.
I'm gonna kinda miss them though.
Red, yellow, green.
Such festive colors.
They were so pretty.
People used to stop their cars and watch them change.
Mork, relax, okay? Relax? Relax? How can I relax? Mindy, there's a world beyond I Love Lucy.
Don't you understand? We're running out of fossil fuels.
There aren't any more dinosaurs dying, and Dinah Shore is still in residuals.
It's a whole different world.
And pretty soon, they'll be drilling in the cemeteries looking for oil.
I can see the advertising slogans now: "Put our relative in your tank.
" And they'll have testimonials: "Hi, I got 20 miles to the gallon using my Aunt Tess.
" Mork, there is an energy crisis, and in 50 or 60 years, we probably won't have any more oil.
But a lot of people believe that the oil companies are just using scare tactics so they can hike the prices.
Somebody is getting very rich at our expense.
Why would someone wanna get rich at someone else's expense? ( chuckles ) Let me put it to you this way.
Some of us believe the people who own the oil are shaking down the rest of the world.
Oh, so that's why they call it shakes, for the booty.
As long as the oil companies keep backing the politicians Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! What's so funny about that? Nothing.
Ha-ha-ha! Well, you just laughed.
No, I didn't.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! There you go again.
That was a sneeze.
Are you making fun of me? If that's your sneeze, take my advice.
Never go to a funeral in the rain.
Look at you, Mork.
You're soaking wet.
Why don't you take off your clothes? Mork Oh, good idea.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Gesundheit.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, Mork, you're really catching a cold.
Come here.
I'm gonna give you something.
Here.
Take one of these.
What is it? It's a cold capsule.
It'll help shrink your nasal membranes and clear your head.
All right.
Ow.
Mork! You don't put it in your ear.
Try swallowing it.
Swallow it? That's the wrong way.
I've got a head cold.
Trust me.
Well, okay, but I'm warning you, if I swallow this, there's a darn good chance you'll never see it again.
Ar, ar! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha! That boy is a little short from the neck up.
He doesn't even know how to take a cold tablet.
Well, he hasn't been sick much.
You don't have to have a high fever to know where to stick the thermometer.
So, what about Dad's concert? Are you gonna make the trip with Mork and me? Who do I have to share the back seat with, Mork or your grandmother? Oh, you don't know.
Grandma's already there.
She's gonna make the entire tour with Dad.
Wow! Every conductor's dream, a 78-year-old groupie.
Ha! MINDY: We'll have to work on his attitude.
( upbeat theme playing ) Eeeee! ( glass breaks ) What are you doing?! I just eliminated a negative.
There's one streetlight that's sucked his last watt.
Stop it, Mork! That is wrong! Mindy, don't you think I know right from wrong? Well, yes, but you just can't run around doing right all the time.
It's It's just not right.
Shazbat.
Mayday.
Amrak.
Faze and confusion.
Just when I think I have Earth communication down, right is wrong.
All right, readjust.
Famous architect, Frank Lloyd Wrong.
Famous soul group, the Wrongous Brothers.
Bo Didn't-Do-Diddley.
Mork, you've gotta understand.
You just can't go around taking the law into your own hands.
Otherwise, you're nothing more than a vigilante.
Do you know what a vigilante is? Sure I know what a vigilante is.
It's a guy who's looking for a girl who's a vigilan.
They're an endangered species.
Mindy, I know what I did was wrong, but I'm sorry.
Oh, well.
It's okay, Mork, just as long as you don't go around breaking any more streetlights.
Promise? Promise.
Good.
What did you do to your nightshirt? Mindy, I feel guilty, but I think that's rather a personal question.
I mean, when did you buy the new one? Look, it's at least two sizes too big for you.
See how the sleeves come over your hands like this? Wait a minute, here.
You look like a Ku Klux candy cane.
Mindy.
Mindy, this is the same cap and the same nightshirt I've always had.
Well, it can't be, Mork.
Look how big it is for you.
Mindy, how tall am I? I don't know.
Usually you're about About like that.
But you used to be up there.
Oh, no.
You know that pill you gave me to shrink my nasal membranes? I forgot.
We Orkans are all membrane.
Oh, Mork, that's impossible.
A person doesn't just shrink.
Oh, yeah? Then how come my shorts just fell off? ( upbeat theme playing ) Oh, Mork, this book covers every disease known to man.
There's not a word in here about shrinking.
I can always play shortstop.
Ar, ar, ar! How can you make jokes? In less than one day, you have shrunk down to half your size.
This tiny-time capsule can't go on forever.
In the meantime, in the words of Esther Williams, I've gotta go with the flow.
Don't be sad.
Thanks for the new clothes anyway.
I mean, my old clothes are getting to be a hassle.
Last night in my sleep I rolled over and my nightshirt didn't.
Yeah.
I borrowed those from Billy's mom from across the street.
I'm sorry I didn't get you any shoes that fit.
Ah, my old shoes are fine.
I kinda consider them my own personal tribute to Emmett Kelly.
Mork, when are you gonna face reality? You are shrinking.
Yeah, but you gotta look on the bright side, Mindy.
There's gotta be a pony in here somewhere.
You know, I could be Paul Williams' valet.
Some people say, "If I knew then, what I know now.
" Well, I've got my eye on this cute little 8-year-old.
She's got the body of a 6-year old though, Mind.
Mork, stop it! Mindy, I'm sorry.
There's no use both of us being scared to death.
I know.
The least you can let me do is call a doctor.
A normal doctor isn't good for me, Mind.
I have a different metabolism.
That's why I have to call a shrink.
Oh, I know.
A little Orkan humor, right? Ar, ar.
A little Orkan humor, Mindy? Is that a short joke? Real funny, Mindy.
So I called in a shrink.
Big deal! He'll get here soon.
He'll be here soon.
Don't worry.
A shrink is a slang word for a psychiatrist.
Not mine.
No, not my shrink.
( knocking on door ) Besides, he told me I don't care what he told you.
A shrink has nothing to do with anything that's shrunk.
( gasps ) Who says we don't make house calls anymore? Mork, it's for you.
Where is the little fella? Straight ahead and down.
Will you boys please get out? Let the shrimp boat sink in dignity.
Oh, you're all heart.
A good shrink has to be.
I said get out! Boogie-oogie-oogie! Will you get that ugly thing away from me? There's no telling where it's been.
Mindy, you remember Dr.
Exidor.
Please, don't call me "doctor," Mork.
I refuse to be put in a category with those quacks.
Boogie-oogie-oogie! However, if you insist on a label, call me Ms.
That's good.
It goes with the outfit.
Speaking of outfits, I love yours, Mork.
Oh.
Except the duck feet have got to go.
Can I have them when you Don't talk like that.
He's not gonna shrink any more.
Why, of course not.
But if I were you, I'd take some snapshots just to be safe.
How are you feeling, Mork? Oh, not bad.
A little short of breath.
Ar, ar, ar.
Now, this has gone too far.
What you need is a real doctor.
Oh, you mean like a real doctor that golfs on Wednesday, fee-splits on Thursday, puts you on hold on Friday? Mork, most doctors are highly qualified.
Oh, sure, in their own backward ways.
But I'm strides ahead of them.
And I don't mean little froggy steps.
I mean giant strides ahead.
Giant strides ahead of every doctor in the world.
You mean you're bigger than Dr.
Joyce Brothers? I even have prettier hair.
Are you bigger than Doc Severinsen? Dr.
Scholl's? Dr Pepper? Oh, please! We're not talking fruity-flavored drinks, Mork.
We're talking hard, scientific facts based on years of research, dedication, experimentation.
Don't step there! Step on a crack, break your mother's back.
Mork, this guy is no better than a witch doctor.
Oh, that's That's Ms.
Witch Doctor, Mindy.
Thank you, Mork.
Now then, let's discuss those symptoms.
Just lie back.
Fine.
A pencil for shorthand.
Sorry.
Tell me do you get mad when you hear the song "Short People"? No.
Would you like to be Ricardo Montalban's sidekick? Not my fantasy.
Do you look up to Paul Williams? No, but I can take him a little bit at a time.
That's it.
You're cured.
What?! You are out of your skull.
Did you hear that, Pedro? La señora no en casa.
I'm no en casa? You're no en casa! He is getting small.
My dear lady! There never has been anything wrong with him.
( sighs ) The rest of us are getting bigger.
What? Just last night, Walter Cronkite said the entire world is suffering inflation.
Out! Goodbye, you normal kind of guy.
You're one lucky cat.
Ciao, ciao, ciao.
Hey, you kids! Quit poking that burro! Sorry, Pedro, you've got to go on ahead! I'll be there shortly! Oop! ( sighs ) Well, Mork, you just gotta think positive.
The effects of that pill will have to wear off soon and Uh and then you'll be back to your normal size.
You've already stopped shrinking.
I think.
Thanks for the encouragement, Mindy.
But a few hours ago, this shirt used to be form-fitting, and either I've discovered a revolutionary new diet, or I'm still shrinking.
What am I gonna do, Mind? I don't know.
( dramatic theme playing ) ( suspenseful theme playing ) MINDY: How does the suit fit? Oh, nice, considering.
Yeah.
I'm really sorry the store was out of Ken dolls.
Yeah, me too.
I feel kind of funny wearing Tacky Bob clothes.
Well, better late than never.
Ar.
There are certain advantages to being small, though.
At least you can get an entire living room set for $6 and some change.
Yeah.
Look, Mork, I know it looks like you've stopped shrinking, but I really wish you'd let me take you to a doctor.
Don't you think a doctor would be suspicious that I'm an alien? I'm smaller than things that most people have removed.
Okay, no doctors.
But how do you know you're gonna return to your normal size? Well, I haven't shrank in over an hour.
Hey, in no time at all, I'll just be growing real big again.
No time "a tall.
" Ar, ar, ar.
Ar, ar, ar.
Mind, don't you have to be going to school today? Yeah, I really should.
I have a journalism exam.
But I don't wanna leave you.
Hey, Mindy, I'm a big boy now.
Get out of here before I spank your ankles.
Okay.
Are you sure? Mindy.
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, get outta here.
Take a hike.
Well, is there anything I can get you while I'm out? Well, you can pick me up a Barbie doll, the one with all the accessories.
Oh, by the way, the exterminator man is supposed to come today Heh, heh.
I guess better cancel that, huh? Sorry.
See you later.
( dramatic theme playing ) Oh, no! Another time capsule just went o-o-off! This means I'm still shrinking.
Oh, I'm glad I got rid of Mindy so she didn't have to see this.
Pretty soon I'm gonna be a speck of dead meat.
Woe is me.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork ( mysterious theme playing ) Mork calling Orson.
Come in, sir.
ORSON: "Sir"? You called me "sir"? You usually start your report with one of your snide little fat jokes.
I'm in big trouble, Orson.
Not exactly big.
It's kind of the opposite.
What are you talking about? I took some Earth medication that's making me shrink.
If I don't stop, I'm gonna dwindle away to nothing.
Waa-ah-aah! See? The outside of me shrank again.
It's getting worse.
You've got to do something, Mork.
Isn't there anything on Earth that will make things grow? All right, let's see I could stand in fertilizer, but the smell would kill me.
There must be something else.
Come on, Mork, think.
Thanks for the pressure.
Let's see Uh-huh.
Well, Mindy's into health food.
She takes brewer's yeast.
Does yeast make Mindy grow? No.
But yeast makes bread grow, and this might work for me.
It's a million-to-one shot, but it's the only shot I've got.
See, if I don't stop it, I'm gonna see how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.
Well, good luck, Mork.
Thank you, mon général.
This is Mork, signing off, maybe for the last time.
Nanu.
( groans ) ( mysterious theme playing ) Oh, I feel like the Incredible Hulk in reverse.
What am I gonna do? I don't ( dramatic theme playing ) On one hand, voilà ! On the other hand, heavy sigh.
There's the yeast, but it might as well be on the other side of the Rockies.
What? Wha-ah! ( groaning ) Mondo vertigo.
It's Hitchcock city.
I want to get down.
I don't want to end up as an alien pizza.
( suspenseful theme playing ) Ooh.
( sighs ) ( sniffing ) Oh, time to use the old noodle.
( chuckles ) ( suspenseful theme playing ) ( sniffing ) Phew! I gotta tell Mindy she uses too much garlic.
I feel like Tarzan-elli hanging up here.
She has the only pasta in the world that has a half-life.
Yeah, I should be thankful though she made spaghetti.
Sure would be a drag to have to shimmy down succotash.
Ohh.
( knocking on door ) BICKLEY: Mindy! Mork! Oh, Bick, not now.
I haven't got time for small talk.
Oh.
Hello? Mork? Mindy? ( dog barking ) Bicky, you stay down there.
Daddy will be right back.
( dog barking ) BICKLEY: Mork? I came over to borrow your book, you know, Cheryl Tiegs, the Early Years.
Mork? It's too deep.
You'll never understand it.
Mindy? Are you in the bedroom? Oh, well, I guess they won't mind if I just borrow it.
I think I saw it over there.
Oh, no! Come on, Cheryl.
Don't be shy.
The whole world has seen that bathing suit by now.
Oh! Uh-oh! It's happening again.
( dog barks ) Oh, hi, Bicky.
I told you to wait downstairs.
I'll find that book in a minute, and we'll go for a nice walk.
( dog whimpers ) BICKLEY: How much Is that doggy in the window? ( dramatic theme playing ) Oh, no! Aah! ( dramatic theme playing ) Tiny feets, don't fail me now! Oh Ah.
Uh-oh, I found it.
Come on, Bicky, let's go.
( whimpers ) ( sighs ) ( dog barking ) Come on.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
What are you doing here? Oh, I just came over to borrow Mork's book.
He said I could.
You saw Mork? A couple of days ago.
Oh.
The door was unlocked.
I hope you don't mind.
Oh, no, no.
Not at all.
I'll tell Mork that you borrowed his book.
Thanks.
See ya.
Mork.
Mork, where are you? Mork? Ugh.
Mork? Mind, is that you? MINDY: Mork? ( screeching ) Oh.
I love Steamboat Willie.
Oh! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mind! Min! Oh, Min! Mindy! Mork, is that you? Where are you? Mork? Mork?! MORK: Mindy! Down here! Careful where you step! Oh, Mork! Mork, you're still shrinking.
Mindy, I don't have much time left.
You've got to help me.
There's only one chance.
What is it? I've got to get some of your brewer's yeast.
It's a chance in a million, but it might make me rise.
Hurry, please! Okay.
I've got you.
You do great work, Mind.
Just don't applaud yourself.
This is no time for jokes.
Thanks for the lift, Mind.
I knew I was in good hands.
Ar! Why is this happening? I thought you'd stopped shrinking I don't know, Mind.
I guess it's another example of lousy living through chemistry.
Ar.
The smaller I get, the faster I shrink.
Well, it's gonna be all right.
Here's the yeast.
Whoa.
I think we've uncovered a little flaw in my plan.
I know! I'll crush it up and dissolve it in water.
( water rushing ) It's happening again! Hurry, Mindy! I am.
Hang on.
Hurry, Mind! I'm rapidly becoming hindsi-i-i-ght! ( gasps ) I'm coming, Mork! ( gasps ) Mork! Mindy! Mindy! ( high-pitched echoing ): Mindy! Oh, my God, he's gone! ( dramatic theme playing ) ( echoing ): Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! ( yelling ) ( suspenseful theme playing ) MORK ( echoing ): Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! ( yelling ) ( moos ) ( cow moos ) ( moos ) Hello, Bossy.
Oh, you have something I need bad.
Well, thank you.
A little roomy.
I hope no one tries to milk me.
Ar, ar.
Boy, I must have shrank into a whole new universe.
You know, this planet's probably just a molecule on Mindy's tablecloth.
Either that or I somehow or other landed in the Ayatollah Khomeini's farm.
Ar, ar! Well, at least if you're wearing pants, it's gotta be an intelligent society, or at least fashionable.
Well, I just hope they're friendly.
Here I am, a coward in a brave new world.
What would Bert Lahr do in a situation like this? ( mock growl ) I know.
Haul Oz out of here.
Well, moo gesundheit.
Ah.
Hm.
( suspenseful theme playing ) Wah! Got him! God bless you and keep you, and we got you.
( laughing ) You certainly are well-dressed for being so hostile.
One, two, three, fore! Come on, spy, sing along.
Oh, it's a silly quirk but I hardly ever sing along with people who tie me up.
What do you say, fellas? Should we take five? I might tell you good idea.
Excuse me, question.
Why is there furniture in the middle of a field? Good grief, our house has been stolen.
Wait a minute.
There's something about you guys, like I've met you before.
On a telethon perhaps? But this I must say.
Hi, I'm Bob "There's big bucks in comedy" Faith.
I think we're being a little rude to our prisoner here.
We're sort of violating the rules of the Geneva "Have a nice day" Convention.
I think we should be introducing ourselves.
JERRY: Hello! I'm Jerry Looney! ( laughing ) BOB: Try to get over that, Jerry.
Hi, I'm Danny St.
Tommy, and here's a picture of my family.
There's my daughter, St.
Marlo, my son, St.
Rusty, and here's my dog, St.
Spot.
I I don't mean to pry, but why am I all tied up? All right, already.
Don't you know there's a rebellion going on? We're an outrageous, zany bunch of revolutionaries ( laughing ) called the Sillies.
Ha-ha.
And we're revolting BOB & JERRY: We are? against the Glums.
And I just want to say we think you're a spy.
A spy? But for who? The evil king and his Glums.
Sounds like a punk-rock group.
Seriously, folks, I think we should hit the road to camp.
( circus music playing ) ( crowd chattering ) MAN: Ready, aim, fire! The arrow's funny, kid, but get yourself a tux, huh? Well, excu-u-u-u-se me! Whoa, so this is comedy purgatory.
This isn't a guerrilla camp.
This is high camp.
Look at all this great humor going to waste and because the king won't let people laugh.
I hate to be kind of a living cliché, but when are you gonna take me to your leader? Well, that all depends on whether our leader is in camp or still working undercover in the king's castle.
Oh.
BOB: Leader, leader? Are you in? This is Bob "We think we caught a spy who fell from the sky" Faith.
WOMAN: Have him washed and sent to my tent.
Uh-huh.
Ahh! You know something? Even by my standards, you guys are very bizarre.
Wait, wait.
I feel like a real drip.
Please.
WOMAN: I'll be out in a minute.
I'm slipping into something more comfortable.
I'll slip out of something uncomfortable.
So you're a spy.
Mindy! Mindy, Mindy, Mindy! Mindy, Mind That's Mandy, Mandy, Mandy, pal.
Mandy? Oh, no.
Einstein was right.
I've fallen into a parallel universe.
This is incredible.
This is the ultimate déjà vu.
It's déjà -jà vu-vu.
What? I come from another planet.
Actually, two other planets.
But don't worry about that.
I came from a place where there's a clone of you named Mindy.
She's a girl I live with.
And even the furniture is the same.
Everything is similar.
It's parallel! Look, pal, if you're trying to break in a new act, I'm really too busy.
I happen to have a revolution to run.
And, uh, where'd you get the silly pants? It looks like something a cow should be wearing.
Why don't you go back there and change? Anything would be better than that.
Right, Mand Mind Uh Whoa.
I can prove to you that I come from a parallel universe.
Oh? Is there a wicker chest in front of you? Yes.
On Earth, the Mindy I know keeps her high school graduation picture hidden there, back when she was el-chubbo and used to give fish kisses.
Oh! How did you know that? Oh.
I also know that inside there is a flimsy-type nightgown that is so sheer she hasn't got the nerve to wear it.
Well, I'll wear that someday.
Before I give you my final proof, one question: Is there anybody on this planet who drinks with their finger? No.
How would you like your lake drained? ( upbeat theme playing ) MORK: Now it's your turn.
Tell me about this revolution you're planning.
Well, the name of this planet is Mirth.
And it used to be a pretty happy place to live until five years ago when this king took over.
He's the head of the Glum Party.
And if you can believe this, he actually outlawed humor.
So I formed a band of Sillies to overthrow the Glums.
That's one part that doesn't fit though.
You're not silly at all.
( chuckles ) I'm not silly but I like to laugh.
I appreciate humor.
I think it's our God-given right to be happy, and that alone is worth fighting for.
The king just wants everybody to be miserable.
This king sounds like a real nimnol.
Oh, he's worse than that.
He's a crook too.
He actually cut off our energy supply just so he could raise the rates and make everybody else more glum.
So now we only have electricity every other day.
I'm odd.
You know, Mork, you could help our cause.
MORK: Me? Morko the schlug? No, you don't need that kind of help.
No.
All my men are known, but you aren't.
If you could get a job at the castle, well, then, you could be our spy.
All we have to do is prove that the king is a crook, and I know even his glums would turn against him.
And then my people can laugh again.
Yeah.
But you don't just knock on a castle door and say, "Hello, Kelly boy.
" besides, I don't do moats.
Ar, Ar.
No, there's no problem.
I work in the castle.
I can make sure you get a job.
Yeah, but if you work there, why do you need me? I'm the head of public information.
They don't tell me anything.
( sighs ) Oh, Mork, please.
I'm kind of new at this joke-and-dagger stuff, but All right.
I'll do it for you.
Oh, Mork.
( romantic theme playing ) ( sighs ) Oh.
This 007 stuff sure is kayo.
Yeah, but what kind of a job can you get me in a castle? ( dramatic theme playing ) ( clears throat ) Announcing the new court serious.
( fanfare plays ) Depressing morning, ladies and gentlemen.
( strums instrument ) Whoa! In today's news, first, the Foul Jones Industrial Averages: War and pestilence up in heavy trading.
( strums ) Whoa! But I want to grieve to you.
The Royal Medical Society said today that everything causes respiratory disease.
Flus at eleven.
( strums ) Whoa! That's good stuff.
It'll really depress the king.
He'll love it.
Bick! Bick Maintain.
Maintain.
Catchy walk too.
Mork, this is Marvin, the king's financial advisor and bootblack.
Mandy, I want this released to the press as soon as possible.
Certainly.
Go! Yes, sir.
Now remember, when you meet the king, it's negative, negative, negative.
And whatever you do, don't smile.
He won't even know I have teeth.
( strums ) Whoa! Good boy.
Good boy.
Excuse me.
( ringing ) Announcing his majesty, king of the Glums, emperor of Mirth, and conqueror of the renegade chipmunks.
Sanctuary! Sanctuary! All right, all right.
Friend of everything brown, and absolute owner of all electricity.
( dramatic theme playing ) Exidor! Exidor? My name isn't Exidor.
My name is Exidon! Oh, sorry, king's X.
But, excuse me, but you have little eyes painted on your eyelids.
Are you paranoid? No.
Why do you ask? I do this so that assassins don't know when I'm asleep.
MORK: Oh.
In school, they must have called you four eyes.
Whoa! You should have heard what they called me when I wore glasses.
Children can be so cruel.
That's why I love them.
Why am I talking to a man who has just pinched the head off his little doll? Your highness, this is your new court serious.
Actually, he has some fairly good material.
War, pestilence, disease.
Pretty heady stuff.
I promise I'll depress you.
I'll bring you down.
I'll bum you out.
I'll make you feel like trash.
Oh, please.
Oh, please You'll have to depress me later.
Business before pleasure.
You guards, out, before I have your heads cut off too! Whoa! Who-oh-oah! Marvin, I wanna talk to you.
I wanna talk to you about the phony energy crisis.
Now, we're going to have to shut off even more power if we're going to make the people really miserable and glum.
( clears throat ) And if we happen to make a couple of bucks along the way, what's it hurt? Ixnay.
Ixnay.
If you can't trust your own court serious, who can you trust? Whoa! Boy, are you paranoid.
I've written my entire plan on this tape and signed it.
You wrote your plan on adhesive tape? It's perfectly safe.
No one's allowed in my medicine cabinet.
The entire plan is there, except for the first I had to tape up a leak.
Whoa! MORK: Psst, Mandy! ( whispers ): Mork, is that you? ( gasps ) No, this is me.
That's a suit of armor, and this is my agent, Saul.
Shh! No jokes.
Oh.
Shh! Shh! ( whispering ): Exidon admitted everything.
He is deliberately limiting the electricity.
His slogan is: "Power to the people on a rolling brownout basis.
" Oh, if we could prove that, we could dethrone the king.
And then all the people could laugh again.
But it's just your word against his.
What we need is proof.
Proof? I'll get you proof and I'll make it stick.
Be careful.
I don't want anything to happen to you.
Oh.
( bells jingle ) Shh.
Mandy, you're soft, just like Mindy.
Don't you worry about old Morko.
I'll take care of everything.
Maybe when all this dirty business is over we can get together and tickle each other's funny bone.
Ar, ar! Shh! Shh! ( upbeat theme playing ) ( peaceful theme playing ) Mork, you've done it.
You've really done it! Yeah, I figure we have him by the short wires now.
Oh, Mork, you've saved my people from a terrible tyrant.
Mm.
( barking ) Did you hear something? No, just fireworks.
Bombs bursting in the air, rockets' red glare.
Mm.
No, no, no, Mork.
It's probably nothing, but it wouldn't hurt to check.
I'll be right back, okay? But, but, but Yes, all right.
I'll be right back.
( dogs barking ) We must be getting close.
Just look at Fifi and Raoul.
I'm just happy they're on our side.
Let's go! Get her, boys! Don't let her go! So you fell for my little trap, eh? I suspected you right from the start.
I knew that court serious was a spy.
Run, Mork, run! Take the evidence to the people! Run! I'll be back for you, Mandy! You'd better be back by noon tomorrow, unless you're into taxidermy! ( action theme playing ) ( Mork panting ) Mandy BOB: He can't talk.
He's out of breath.
JERRY: Well, show us.
( whistles ) Mandy.
( whistles ) Exidon.
( whistling, barking ) You mean they're with those two killer dogs, Raoul and Fifi? ( whistles ) JERRY: All right, already.
I'll handle this.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Calm down, Mork, because we want you to take a picture of the three of us in front of our marquee.
Uh-huh.
Remember, I'm in the middle.
Make room for Danny.
( whistling ) BOB: Exidon and Mandy.
What about 'em? They've captured her? Oh, yeah? Exidon, yeah? Is a crook.
( whistling ) Yeah? And Mandy? Yeah? Tastes like Mm? Savor it? Save her?! Why, the castle's an armed camp.
Armed camp? Great audience.
( whistling ) BOB: Huh? No good? Sorry.
( whistling ) BOB: Something at noon.
The shiksa dies at noon.
Oh! Now, God knows I'd do anything to help her, but God also knows there are thousands of troops surrounding the castle, and there are not enough of us to fight them.
BOB: Yeah.
You got an idea? ( dramatic theme playing ) JERRY: What a great idea, to build a balloon.
It took us all night but we did it.
I've seen cross-stitching before, but you guys are really men of the cloth.
Oh, I'm a very good seamstress.
We should've taken Dean with us.
DANNY: Holy Toledo, we're passing over the troops.
Troops? Hi, guys, I just wanna say it's a pleasure to be here on the front lines with you.
Bob, talk up into the balloon.
We need all the lift we can get.
JERRY: Uh-oh.
I hope this thing doesn't spring a leak.
I haven't memorized all the exits yet.
DANNY: You know, I think the altitude is getting to me.
From up here the planet looks almost round.
But I just want to say there's the castle.
( dramatic theme playing ) Set down there, Jerry.
Aim for the courtyard.
JERRY: Look out! We're gonna hit the wall! MORK: Oh.
JERRY: We hit the wall.
Jerry, quick, throw out the rope.
Mork, take it back up.
It's Marvin the Evil.
No, not anymore.
It's Marvin the Swell now.
I've turned over a new leaf.
Graft and corruption is one thing, but executions aren't my cup of hemlock.
I'll drink to that.
First we have to save Mandy.
I'll show you where the dungeon is.
But you have to promise me first, you'll take me up, up and away in your beautiful balloon.
I'll take you anywhere, the 5th dimension, but now we've got a job to do.
Boys, grab your weapons.
Let's go.
( suspenseful theme playing ) Aahh! OTHERS: Shh! Shh! ( man laughing ) Stop that laughing.
( laughing ) Stop it or this dungeon will have clown confetti all over it.
( laughing ) ( whistles ) JERRY & DANNY: Pie, guys! Ugh! Ugh! Argh! ( laughing ) Oh, Mork! Oh, Mandy, I'm sorry about the cream all over the dungeon, but I freed the king's tapes to the people.
Oh, Mork, you risked your life for my people.
No, I did it for you.
Oh! Hey, hey, this is no time to fool around! We've got a balloon to catch.
Besides, we're running out of ammunition.
Save a pie for yourselves.
They'll never take us alive! DANNY: Hurry, the revolution has started.
The townspeople are attacking the castle.
Whoa! ( crowd shouting ) ( explosions ) EXIDON: Welcome to my world.
Prepare for your doom.
Well, I guess it's time we got our just deserts.
( chuckles ) Now that's funny.
( bomb whistling ) Now that's not funny! Whoever did that, off with his head! ( bomb whistling ) EXIDON: Okay! Okay! Off with his trigger finger, but that's the bottom line.
It's all over for you, Exidon.
The people are revolting.
ALL: They are? They've read the tapes.
Tapes? What tapes? He's a crook, and we have the proof.
His entire plan is on tape.
It's binding evidence too.
Your noble king caused the power shortage.
Now try and sell your autobiography.
Nyah! Off with everybody's head! You caused the power shortage? Off with everybody's head, except yours.
( bomb whistling ) Ahh! I think it's about time for me to goose step out of here.
Don't let him get away! Hit him with a stick! JERRY: Shtick? ( all chattering ) Oh, this is exciting.
Shades of the Magna Carta, Fourth of July, Bastille Day, Cinco de Mayo.
Allons-y de la Patrie Come on, Mandy.
Let's go, girl.
Come on, Mand, let's go! Come on, Mand.
Up, up, up.
Come on.
Oh, Mork.
Thanks for helping us.
Mandy, what's wrong? Oh, a shell.
I'll get I'll get you a doctor.
Mork, I got I got what I wanted.
My people are free.
Now they can laugh again.
You know, Mork, I think that if I'd ever really gotten to know you, I I could have ( gasps ) Tell Mindy that she's really lucky.
No, Mandy.
Come on.
You hang in there, girl.
( melancholy theme playing ) It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair! Oh, no! What's happening? I'm growing! Mandy! Mandy, I don't wanna leave you now, please.
Mandy, I don't wanna grow.
( suspenseful theme playing ) Mandy! Mandy! Mindy! ( dramatic theme playing ) Oh.
( sobbing ) MORK: Mindy! Mindy, Mindy! Mindy, Mindy, Mindy! Mindy, Mindy! Mork! ( crying ): Oh, Mork! I You've been gone three days! I thought you I thought you died.
Oh, Mind.
Oh, Mind, it's terrible.
But it was wonderful too.
I shrank down.
I was in a little, tiny parallel universe.
( crying ) And everybody was there.
Exidor and Mr.
Bickley and you were there.
But you died.
I It doesn't matter because you're back.
I can't believe it.
( crying ) I missed you so.
Oh.
This This may be a little selfish of me, and I know no one lives forever, but I hope I I leave this life before you do, 'cause I never wanna lose you twice.
( upbeat theme playing ) ( mysterious theme playing ) MORK: The molecules of the tablecloth became another universe.
And the planet I landed on must have been just an atom.
The society was advanced in some ways and backwards in others.
And the people, oh, especially Mandy.
Hum, boy ORSON: Mork, we've already discussed that.
Oh, I know that, your wideship.
Mork, I know this may be painful, but tell me exactly how you felt when Mandy passed on.
Hm.
Well I felt anger at first and anguish and a sense of deep loneliness.
I can't even fully comprehend one emotion.
All those emotions at once.
It must cause insanity.
Well, it does at first, sir.
Then after you have time to think, you realize the good side.
You realize that love can extend beyond universes and even beyond death.
Till next week, sir.
Nanu.
( dramatic theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing )
Bickley.
Ahh.
There you go.
Mm, just like Mom used to make.
Oh, well, thank you.
Mom's coffee was awful too.
Thanks a lot.
Mm, Mr.
Bickley, I was wondering if you wanted to go to Utah with Mork and me to visit Dad.
You're not gonna believe this.
He got a job with a symphony orchestra.
It's his big debut.
I'm so proud of him.
I never liked your dad much.
Thanks.
That's a nice thing to say.
Oh, it's not his fault.
I never liked anybody very much.
But I must say, it's not easy for a man to sell his business and take a new job.
I know.
That's why this job is so perfect for him.
He's always wanted to be a symphony conductor, and this orchestra is gonna take him around the country.
Ah, yes.
Zubin McConnell.
Ha! Don't panic.
Oh, no, not again.
It's nothing serious.
Just the world as we know it is coming to an end.
Ah, it's about time.
The, uh, world is coming The world as we know it.
The world as we know it is coming to an end.
Right.
You see, I went downtown to buy a book, the Life and Hard Times of Princess Rainier of Monaco, and there, plastered on every newspaper, was "energy crisis.
" Don't panic.
Don't panic.
Remain calm.
Energy crisis.
Big deal.
Big deal? It is a big deal, Mr.
Smarty-Pants Republican.
Unless we find an alternative source of energy for oil, we have to conserve, and I was making darn sure we conserve.
Oh, Mork, what were you doing? I shot out the streetlights in downtown Boulder.
I took out all the traffic lights too.
I'm gonna kinda miss them though.
Red, yellow, green.
Such festive colors.
They were so pretty.
People used to stop their cars and watch them change.
Mork, relax, okay? Relax? Relax? How can I relax? Mindy, there's a world beyond I Love Lucy.
Don't you understand? We're running out of fossil fuels.
There aren't any more dinosaurs dying, and Dinah Shore is still in residuals.
It's a whole different world.
And pretty soon, they'll be drilling in the cemeteries looking for oil.
I can see the advertising slogans now: "Put our relative in your tank.
" And they'll have testimonials: "Hi, I got 20 miles to the gallon using my Aunt Tess.
" Mork, there is an energy crisis, and in 50 or 60 years, we probably won't have any more oil.
But a lot of people believe that the oil companies are just using scare tactics so they can hike the prices.
Somebody is getting very rich at our expense.
Why would someone wanna get rich at someone else's expense? ( chuckles ) Let me put it to you this way.
Some of us believe the people who own the oil are shaking down the rest of the world.
Oh, so that's why they call it shakes, for the booty.
As long as the oil companies keep backing the politicians Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! What's so funny about that? Nothing.
Ha-ha-ha! Well, you just laughed.
No, I didn't.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! There you go again.
That was a sneeze.
Are you making fun of me? If that's your sneeze, take my advice.
Never go to a funeral in the rain.
Look at you, Mork.
You're soaking wet.
Why don't you take off your clothes? Mork Oh, good idea.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Gesundheit.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, Mork, you're really catching a cold.
Come here.
I'm gonna give you something.
Here.
Take one of these.
What is it? It's a cold capsule.
It'll help shrink your nasal membranes and clear your head.
All right.
Ow.
Mork! You don't put it in your ear.
Try swallowing it.
Swallow it? That's the wrong way.
I've got a head cold.
Trust me.
Well, okay, but I'm warning you, if I swallow this, there's a darn good chance you'll never see it again.
Ar, ar! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha! That boy is a little short from the neck up.
He doesn't even know how to take a cold tablet.
Well, he hasn't been sick much.
You don't have to have a high fever to know where to stick the thermometer.
So, what about Dad's concert? Are you gonna make the trip with Mork and me? Who do I have to share the back seat with, Mork or your grandmother? Oh, you don't know.
Grandma's already there.
She's gonna make the entire tour with Dad.
Wow! Every conductor's dream, a 78-year-old groupie.
Ha! MINDY: We'll have to work on his attitude.
( upbeat theme playing ) Eeeee! ( glass breaks ) What are you doing?! I just eliminated a negative.
There's one streetlight that's sucked his last watt.
Stop it, Mork! That is wrong! Mindy, don't you think I know right from wrong? Well, yes, but you just can't run around doing right all the time.
It's It's just not right.
Shazbat.
Mayday.
Amrak.
Faze and confusion.
Just when I think I have Earth communication down, right is wrong.
All right, readjust.
Famous architect, Frank Lloyd Wrong.
Famous soul group, the Wrongous Brothers.
Bo Didn't-Do-Diddley.
Mork, you've gotta understand.
You just can't go around taking the law into your own hands.
Otherwise, you're nothing more than a vigilante.
Do you know what a vigilante is? Sure I know what a vigilante is.
It's a guy who's looking for a girl who's a vigilan.
They're an endangered species.
Mindy, I know what I did was wrong, but I'm sorry.
Oh, well.
It's okay, Mork, just as long as you don't go around breaking any more streetlights.
Promise? Promise.
Good.
What did you do to your nightshirt? Mindy, I feel guilty, but I think that's rather a personal question.
I mean, when did you buy the new one? Look, it's at least two sizes too big for you.
See how the sleeves come over your hands like this? Wait a minute, here.
You look like a Ku Klux candy cane.
Mindy.
Mindy, this is the same cap and the same nightshirt I've always had.
Well, it can't be, Mork.
Look how big it is for you.
Mindy, how tall am I? I don't know.
Usually you're about About like that.
But you used to be up there.
Oh, no.
You know that pill you gave me to shrink my nasal membranes? I forgot.
We Orkans are all membrane.
Oh, Mork, that's impossible.
A person doesn't just shrink.
Oh, yeah? Then how come my shorts just fell off? ( upbeat theme playing ) Oh, Mork, this book covers every disease known to man.
There's not a word in here about shrinking.
I can always play shortstop.
Ar, ar, ar! How can you make jokes? In less than one day, you have shrunk down to half your size.
This tiny-time capsule can't go on forever.
In the meantime, in the words of Esther Williams, I've gotta go with the flow.
Don't be sad.
Thanks for the new clothes anyway.
I mean, my old clothes are getting to be a hassle.
Last night in my sleep I rolled over and my nightshirt didn't.
Yeah.
I borrowed those from Billy's mom from across the street.
I'm sorry I didn't get you any shoes that fit.
Ah, my old shoes are fine.
I kinda consider them my own personal tribute to Emmett Kelly.
Mork, when are you gonna face reality? You are shrinking.
Yeah, but you gotta look on the bright side, Mindy.
There's gotta be a pony in here somewhere.
You know, I could be Paul Williams' valet.
Some people say, "If I knew then, what I know now.
" Well, I've got my eye on this cute little 8-year-old.
She's got the body of a 6-year old though, Mind.
Mork, stop it! Mindy, I'm sorry.
There's no use both of us being scared to death.
I know.
The least you can let me do is call a doctor.
A normal doctor isn't good for me, Mind.
I have a different metabolism.
That's why I have to call a shrink.
Oh, I know.
A little Orkan humor, right? Ar, ar.
A little Orkan humor, Mindy? Is that a short joke? Real funny, Mindy.
So I called in a shrink.
Big deal! He'll get here soon.
He'll be here soon.
Don't worry.
A shrink is a slang word for a psychiatrist.
Not mine.
No, not my shrink.
( knocking on door ) Besides, he told me I don't care what he told you.
A shrink has nothing to do with anything that's shrunk.
( gasps ) Who says we don't make house calls anymore? Mork, it's for you.
Where is the little fella? Straight ahead and down.
Will you boys please get out? Let the shrimp boat sink in dignity.
Oh, you're all heart.
A good shrink has to be.
I said get out! Boogie-oogie-oogie! Will you get that ugly thing away from me? There's no telling where it's been.
Mindy, you remember Dr.
Exidor.
Please, don't call me "doctor," Mork.
I refuse to be put in a category with those quacks.
Boogie-oogie-oogie! However, if you insist on a label, call me Ms.
That's good.
It goes with the outfit.
Speaking of outfits, I love yours, Mork.
Oh.
Except the duck feet have got to go.
Can I have them when you Don't talk like that.
He's not gonna shrink any more.
Why, of course not.
But if I were you, I'd take some snapshots just to be safe.
How are you feeling, Mork? Oh, not bad.
A little short of breath.
Ar, ar, ar.
Now, this has gone too far.
What you need is a real doctor.
Oh, you mean like a real doctor that golfs on Wednesday, fee-splits on Thursday, puts you on hold on Friday? Mork, most doctors are highly qualified.
Oh, sure, in their own backward ways.
But I'm strides ahead of them.
And I don't mean little froggy steps.
I mean giant strides ahead.
Giant strides ahead of every doctor in the world.
You mean you're bigger than Dr.
Joyce Brothers? I even have prettier hair.
Are you bigger than Doc Severinsen? Dr.
Scholl's? Dr Pepper? Oh, please! We're not talking fruity-flavored drinks, Mork.
We're talking hard, scientific facts based on years of research, dedication, experimentation.
Don't step there! Step on a crack, break your mother's back.
Mork, this guy is no better than a witch doctor.
Oh, that's That's Ms.
Witch Doctor, Mindy.
Thank you, Mork.
Now then, let's discuss those symptoms.
Just lie back.
Fine.
A pencil for shorthand.
Sorry.
Tell me do you get mad when you hear the song "Short People"? No.
Would you like to be Ricardo Montalban's sidekick? Not my fantasy.
Do you look up to Paul Williams? No, but I can take him a little bit at a time.
That's it.
You're cured.
What?! You are out of your skull.
Did you hear that, Pedro? La señora no en casa.
I'm no en casa? You're no en casa! He is getting small.
My dear lady! There never has been anything wrong with him.
( sighs ) The rest of us are getting bigger.
What? Just last night, Walter Cronkite said the entire world is suffering inflation.
Out! Goodbye, you normal kind of guy.
You're one lucky cat.
Ciao, ciao, ciao.
Hey, you kids! Quit poking that burro! Sorry, Pedro, you've got to go on ahead! I'll be there shortly! Oop! ( sighs ) Well, Mork, you just gotta think positive.
The effects of that pill will have to wear off soon and Uh and then you'll be back to your normal size.
You've already stopped shrinking.
I think.
Thanks for the encouragement, Mindy.
But a few hours ago, this shirt used to be form-fitting, and either I've discovered a revolutionary new diet, or I'm still shrinking.
What am I gonna do, Mind? I don't know.
( dramatic theme playing ) ( suspenseful theme playing ) MINDY: How does the suit fit? Oh, nice, considering.
Yeah.
I'm really sorry the store was out of Ken dolls.
Yeah, me too.
I feel kind of funny wearing Tacky Bob clothes.
Well, better late than never.
Ar.
There are certain advantages to being small, though.
At least you can get an entire living room set for $6 and some change.
Yeah.
Look, Mork, I know it looks like you've stopped shrinking, but I really wish you'd let me take you to a doctor.
Don't you think a doctor would be suspicious that I'm an alien? I'm smaller than things that most people have removed.
Okay, no doctors.
But how do you know you're gonna return to your normal size? Well, I haven't shrank in over an hour.
Hey, in no time at all, I'll just be growing real big again.
No time "a tall.
" Ar, ar, ar.
Ar, ar, ar.
Mind, don't you have to be going to school today? Yeah, I really should.
I have a journalism exam.
But I don't wanna leave you.
Hey, Mindy, I'm a big boy now.
Get out of here before I spank your ankles.
Okay.
Are you sure? Mindy.
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, get outta here.
Take a hike.
Well, is there anything I can get you while I'm out? Well, you can pick me up a Barbie doll, the one with all the accessories.
Oh, by the way, the exterminator man is supposed to come today Heh, heh.
I guess better cancel that, huh? Sorry.
See you later.
( dramatic theme playing ) Oh, no! Another time capsule just went o-o-off! This means I'm still shrinking.
Oh, I'm glad I got rid of Mindy so she didn't have to see this.
Pretty soon I'm gonna be a speck of dead meat.
Woe is me.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork ( mysterious theme playing ) Mork calling Orson.
Come in, sir.
ORSON: "Sir"? You called me "sir"? You usually start your report with one of your snide little fat jokes.
I'm in big trouble, Orson.
Not exactly big.
It's kind of the opposite.
What are you talking about? I took some Earth medication that's making me shrink.
If I don't stop, I'm gonna dwindle away to nothing.
Waa-ah-aah! See? The outside of me shrank again.
It's getting worse.
You've got to do something, Mork.
Isn't there anything on Earth that will make things grow? All right, let's see I could stand in fertilizer, but the smell would kill me.
There must be something else.
Come on, Mork, think.
Thanks for the pressure.
Let's see Uh-huh.
Well, Mindy's into health food.
She takes brewer's yeast.
Does yeast make Mindy grow? No.
But yeast makes bread grow, and this might work for me.
It's a million-to-one shot, but it's the only shot I've got.
See, if I don't stop it, I'm gonna see how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.
Well, good luck, Mork.
Thank you, mon général.
This is Mork, signing off, maybe for the last time.
Nanu.
( groans ) ( mysterious theme playing ) Oh, I feel like the Incredible Hulk in reverse.
What am I gonna do? I don't ( dramatic theme playing ) On one hand, voilà ! On the other hand, heavy sigh.
There's the yeast, but it might as well be on the other side of the Rockies.
What? Wha-ah! ( groaning ) Mondo vertigo.
It's Hitchcock city.
I want to get down.
I don't want to end up as an alien pizza.
( suspenseful theme playing ) Ooh.
( sighs ) ( sniffing ) Oh, time to use the old noodle.
( chuckles ) ( suspenseful theme playing ) ( sniffing ) Phew! I gotta tell Mindy she uses too much garlic.
I feel like Tarzan-elli hanging up here.
She has the only pasta in the world that has a half-life.
Yeah, I should be thankful though she made spaghetti.
Sure would be a drag to have to shimmy down succotash.
Ohh.
( knocking on door ) BICKLEY: Mindy! Mork! Oh, Bick, not now.
I haven't got time for small talk.
Oh.
Hello? Mork? Mindy? ( dog barking ) Bicky, you stay down there.
Daddy will be right back.
( dog barking ) BICKLEY: Mork? I came over to borrow your book, you know, Cheryl Tiegs, the Early Years.
Mork? It's too deep.
You'll never understand it.
Mindy? Are you in the bedroom? Oh, well, I guess they won't mind if I just borrow it.
I think I saw it over there.
Oh, no! Come on, Cheryl.
Don't be shy.
The whole world has seen that bathing suit by now.
Oh! Uh-oh! It's happening again.
( dog barks ) Oh, hi, Bicky.
I told you to wait downstairs.
I'll find that book in a minute, and we'll go for a nice walk.
( dog whimpers ) BICKLEY: How much Is that doggy in the window? ( dramatic theme playing ) Oh, no! Aah! ( dramatic theme playing ) Tiny feets, don't fail me now! Oh Ah.
Uh-oh, I found it.
Come on, Bicky, let's go.
( whimpers ) ( sighs ) ( dog barking ) Come on.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
What are you doing here? Oh, I just came over to borrow Mork's book.
He said I could.
You saw Mork? A couple of days ago.
Oh.
The door was unlocked.
I hope you don't mind.
Oh, no, no.
Not at all.
I'll tell Mork that you borrowed his book.
Thanks.
See ya.
Mork.
Mork, where are you? Mork? Ugh.
Mork? Mind, is that you? MINDY: Mork? ( screeching ) Oh.
I love Steamboat Willie.
Oh! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mind! Min! Oh, Min! Mindy! Mork, is that you? Where are you? Mork? Mork?! MORK: Mindy! Down here! Careful where you step! Oh, Mork! Mork, you're still shrinking.
Mindy, I don't have much time left.
You've got to help me.
There's only one chance.
What is it? I've got to get some of your brewer's yeast.
It's a chance in a million, but it might make me rise.
Hurry, please! Okay.
I've got you.
You do great work, Mind.
Just don't applaud yourself.
This is no time for jokes.
Thanks for the lift, Mind.
I knew I was in good hands.
Ar! Why is this happening? I thought you'd stopped shrinking I don't know, Mind.
I guess it's another example of lousy living through chemistry.
Ar.
The smaller I get, the faster I shrink.
Well, it's gonna be all right.
Here's the yeast.
Whoa.
I think we've uncovered a little flaw in my plan.
I know! I'll crush it up and dissolve it in water.
( water rushing ) It's happening again! Hurry, Mindy! I am.
Hang on.
Hurry, Mind! I'm rapidly becoming hindsi-i-i-ght! ( gasps ) I'm coming, Mork! ( gasps ) Mork! Mindy! Mindy! ( high-pitched echoing ): Mindy! Oh, my God, he's gone! ( dramatic theme playing ) ( echoing ): Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! ( yelling ) ( suspenseful theme playing ) MORK ( echoing ): Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! Mindy! ( yelling ) ( moos ) ( cow moos ) ( moos ) Hello, Bossy.
Oh, you have something I need bad.
Well, thank you.
A little roomy.
I hope no one tries to milk me.
Ar, ar.
Boy, I must have shrank into a whole new universe.
You know, this planet's probably just a molecule on Mindy's tablecloth.
Either that or I somehow or other landed in the Ayatollah Khomeini's farm.
Ar, ar! Well, at least if you're wearing pants, it's gotta be an intelligent society, or at least fashionable.
Well, I just hope they're friendly.
Here I am, a coward in a brave new world.
What would Bert Lahr do in a situation like this? ( mock growl ) I know.
Haul Oz out of here.
Well, moo gesundheit.
Ah.
Hm.
( suspenseful theme playing ) Wah! Got him! God bless you and keep you, and we got you.
( laughing ) You certainly are well-dressed for being so hostile.
One, two, three, fore! Come on, spy, sing along.
Oh, it's a silly quirk but I hardly ever sing along with people who tie me up.
What do you say, fellas? Should we take five? I might tell you good idea.
Excuse me, question.
Why is there furniture in the middle of a field? Good grief, our house has been stolen.
Wait a minute.
There's something about you guys, like I've met you before.
On a telethon perhaps? But this I must say.
Hi, I'm Bob "There's big bucks in comedy" Faith.
I think we're being a little rude to our prisoner here.
We're sort of violating the rules of the Geneva "Have a nice day" Convention.
I think we should be introducing ourselves.
JERRY: Hello! I'm Jerry Looney! ( laughing ) BOB: Try to get over that, Jerry.
Hi, I'm Danny St.
Tommy, and here's a picture of my family.
There's my daughter, St.
Marlo, my son, St.
Rusty, and here's my dog, St.
Spot.
I I don't mean to pry, but why am I all tied up? All right, already.
Don't you know there's a rebellion going on? We're an outrageous, zany bunch of revolutionaries ( laughing ) called the Sillies.
Ha-ha.
And we're revolting BOB & JERRY: We are? against the Glums.
And I just want to say we think you're a spy.
A spy? But for who? The evil king and his Glums.
Sounds like a punk-rock group.
Seriously, folks, I think we should hit the road to camp.
( circus music playing ) ( crowd chattering ) MAN: Ready, aim, fire! The arrow's funny, kid, but get yourself a tux, huh? Well, excu-u-u-u-se me! Whoa, so this is comedy purgatory.
This isn't a guerrilla camp.
This is high camp.
Look at all this great humor going to waste and because the king won't let people laugh.
I hate to be kind of a living cliché, but when are you gonna take me to your leader? Well, that all depends on whether our leader is in camp or still working undercover in the king's castle.
Oh.
BOB: Leader, leader? Are you in? This is Bob "We think we caught a spy who fell from the sky" Faith.
WOMAN: Have him washed and sent to my tent.
Uh-huh.
Ahh! You know something? Even by my standards, you guys are very bizarre.
Wait, wait.
I feel like a real drip.
Please.
WOMAN: I'll be out in a minute.
I'm slipping into something more comfortable.
I'll slip out of something uncomfortable.
So you're a spy.
Mindy! Mindy, Mindy, Mindy! Mindy, Mind That's Mandy, Mandy, Mandy, pal.
Mandy? Oh, no.
Einstein was right.
I've fallen into a parallel universe.
This is incredible.
This is the ultimate déjà vu.
It's déjà -jà vu-vu.
What? I come from another planet.
Actually, two other planets.
But don't worry about that.
I came from a place where there's a clone of you named Mindy.
She's a girl I live with.
And even the furniture is the same.
Everything is similar.
It's parallel! Look, pal, if you're trying to break in a new act, I'm really too busy.
I happen to have a revolution to run.
And, uh, where'd you get the silly pants? It looks like something a cow should be wearing.
Why don't you go back there and change? Anything would be better than that.
Right, Mand Mind Uh Whoa.
I can prove to you that I come from a parallel universe.
Oh? Is there a wicker chest in front of you? Yes.
On Earth, the Mindy I know keeps her high school graduation picture hidden there, back when she was el-chubbo and used to give fish kisses.
Oh! How did you know that? Oh.
I also know that inside there is a flimsy-type nightgown that is so sheer she hasn't got the nerve to wear it.
Well, I'll wear that someday.
Before I give you my final proof, one question: Is there anybody on this planet who drinks with their finger? No.
How would you like your lake drained? ( upbeat theme playing ) MORK: Now it's your turn.
Tell me about this revolution you're planning.
Well, the name of this planet is Mirth.
And it used to be a pretty happy place to live until five years ago when this king took over.
He's the head of the Glum Party.
And if you can believe this, he actually outlawed humor.
So I formed a band of Sillies to overthrow the Glums.
That's one part that doesn't fit though.
You're not silly at all.
( chuckles ) I'm not silly but I like to laugh.
I appreciate humor.
I think it's our God-given right to be happy, and that alone is worth fighting for.
The king just wants everybody to be miserable.
This king sounds like a real nimnol.
Oh, he's worse than that.
He's a crook too.
He actually cut off our energy supply just so he could raise the rates and make everybody else more glum.
So now we only have electricity every other day.
I'm odd.
You know, Mork, you could help our cause.
MORK: Me? Morko the schlug? No, you don't need that kind of help.
No.
All my men are known, but you aren't.
If you could get a job at the castle, well, then, you could be our spy.
All we have to do is prove that the king is a crook, and I know even his glums would turn against him.
And then my people can laugh again.
Yeah.
But you don't just knock on a castle door and say, "Hello, Kelly boy.
" besides, I don't do moats.
Ar, Ar.
No, there's no problem.
I work in the castle.
I can make sure you get a job.
Yeah, but if you work there, why do you need me? I'm the head of public information.
They don't tell me anything.
( sighs ) Oh, Mork, please.
I'm kind of new at this joke-and-dagger stuff, but All right.
I'll do it for you.
Oh, Mork.
( romantic theme playing ) ( sighs ) Oh.
This 007 stuff sure is kayo.
Yeah, but what kind of a job can you get me in a castle? ( dramatic theme playing ) ( clears throat ) Announcing the new court serious.
( fanfare plays ) Depressing morning, ladies and gentlemen.
( strums instrument ) Whoa! In today's news, first, the Foul Jones Industrial Averages: War and pestilence up in heavy trading.
( strums ) Whoa! But I want to grieve to you.
The Royal Medical Society said today that everything causes respiratory disease.
Flus at eleven.
( strums ) Whoa! That's good stuff.
It'll really depress the king.
He'll love it.
Bick! Bick Maintain.
Maintain.
Catchy walk too.
Mork, this is Marvin, the king's financial advisor and bootblack.
Mandy, I want this released to the press as soon as possible.
Certainly.
Go! Yes, sir.
Now remember, when you meet the king, it's negative, negative, negative.
And whatever you do, don't smile.
He won't even know I have teeth.
( strums ) Whoa! Good boy.
Good boy.
Excuse me.
( ringing ) Announcing his majesty, king of the Glums, emperor of Mirth, and conqueror of the renegade chipmunks.
Sanctuary! Sanctuary! All right, all right.
Friend of everything brown, and absolute owner of all electricity.
( dramatic theme playing ) Exidor! Exidor? My name isn't Exidor.
My name is Exidon! Oh, sorry, king's X.
But, excuse me, but you have little eyes painted on your eyelids.
Are you paranoid? No.
Why do you ask? I do this so that assassins don't know when I'm asleep.
MORK: Oh.
In school, they must have called you four eyes.
Whoa! You should have heard what they called me when I wore glasses.
Children can be so cruel.
That's why I love them.
Why am I talking to a man who has just pinched the head off his little doll? Your highness, this is your new court serious.
Actually, he has some fairly good material.
War, pestilence, disease.
Pretty heady stuff.
I promise I'll depress you.
I'll bring you down.
I'll bum you out.
I'll make you feel like trash.
Oh, please.
Oh, please You'll have to depress me later.
Business before pleasure.
You guards, out, before I have your heads cut off too! Whoa! Who-oh-oah! Marvin, I wanna talk to you.
I wanna talk to you about the phony energy crisis.
Now, we're going to have to shut off even more power if we're going to make the people really miserable and glum.
( clears throat ) And if we happen to make a couple of bucks along the way, what's it hurt? Ixnay.
Ixnay.
If you can't trust your own court serious, who can you trust? Whoa! Boy, are you paranoid.
I've written my entire plan on this tape and signed it.
You wrote your plan on adhesive tape? It's perfectly safe.
No one's allowed in my medicine cabinet.
The entire plan is there, except for the first I had to tape up a leak.
Whoa! MORK: Psst, Mandy! ( whispers ): Mork, is that you? ( gasps ) No, this is me.
That's a suit of armor, and this is my agent, Saul.
Shh! No jokes.
Oh.
Shh! Shh! ( whispering ): Exidon admitted everything.
He is deliberately limiting the electricity.
His slogan is: "Power to the people on a rolling brownout basis.
" Oh, if we could prove that, we could dethrone the king.
And then all the people could laugh again.
But it's just your word against his.
What we need is proof.
Proof? I'll get you proof and I'll make it stick.
Be careful.
I don't want anything to happen to you.
Oh.
( bells jingle ) Shh.
Mandy, you're soft, just like Mindy.
Don't you worry about old Morko.
I'll take care of everything.
Maybe when all this dirty business is over we can get together and tickle each other's funny bone.
Ar, ar! Shh! Shh! ( upbeat theme playing ) ( peaceful theme playing ) Mork, you've done it.
You've really done it! Yeah, I figure we have him by the short wires now.
Oh, Mork, you've saved my people from a terrible tyrant.
Mm.
( barking ) Did you hear something? No, just fireworks.
Bombs bursting in the air, rockets' red glare.
Mm.
No, no, no, Mork.
It's probably nothing, but it wouldn't hurt to check.
I'll be right back, okay? But, but, but Yes, all right.
I'll be right back.
( dogs barking ) We must be getting close.
Just look at Fifi and Raoul.
I'm just happy they're on our side.
Let's go! Get her, boys! Don't let her go! So you fell for my little trap, eh? I suspected you right from the start.
I knew that court serious was a spy.
Run, Mork, run! Take the evidence to the people! Run! I'll be back for you, Mandy! You'd better be back by noon tomorrow, unless you're into taxidermy! ( action theme playing ) ( Mork panting ) Mandy BOB: He can't talk.
He's out of breath.
JERRY: Well, show us.
( whistles ) Mandy.
( whistles ) Exidon.
( whistling, barking ) You mean they're with those two killer dogs, Raoul and Fifi? ( whistles ) JERRY: All right, already.
I'll handle this.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Calm down, Mork, because we want you to take a picture of the three of us in front of our marquee.
Uh-huh.
Remember, I'm in the middle.
Make room for Danny.
( whistling ) BOB: Exidon and Mandy.
What about 'em? They've captured her? Oh, yeah? Exidon, yeah? Is a crook.
( whistling ) Yeah? And Mandy? Yeah? Tastes like Mm? Savor it? Save her?! Why, the castle's an armed camp.
Armed camp? Great audience.
( whistling ) BOB: Huh? No good? Sorry.
( whistling ) BOB: Something at noon.
The shiksa dies at noon.
Oh! Now, God knows I'd do anything to help her, but God also knows there are thousands of troops surrounding the castle, and there are not enough of us to fight them.
BOB: Yeah.
You got an idea? ( dramatic theme playing ) JERRY: What a great idea, to build a balloon.
It took us all night but we did it.
I've seen cross-stitching before, but you guys are really men of the cloth.
Oh, I'm a very good seamstress.
We should've taken Dean with us.
DANNY: Holy Toledo, we're passing over the troops.
Troops? Hi, guys, I just wanna say it's a pleasure to be here on the front lines with you.
Bob, talk up into the balloon.
We need all the lift we can get.
JERRY: Uh-oh.
I hope this thing doesn't spring a leak.
I haven't memorized all the exits yet.
DANNY: You know, I think the altitude is getting to me.
From up here the planet looks almost round.
But I just want to say there's the castle.
( dramatic theme playing ) Set down there, Jerry.
Aim for the courtyard.
JERRY: Look out! We're gonna hit the wall! MORK: Oh.
JERRY: We hit the wall.
Jerry, quick, throw out the rope.
Mork, take it back up.
It's Marvin the Evil.
No, not anymore.
It's Marvin the Swell now.
I've turned over a new leaf.
Graft and corruption is one thing, but executions aren't my cup of hemlock.
I'll drink to that.
First we have to save Mandy.
I'll show you where the dungeon is.
But you have to promise me first, you'll take me up, up and away in your beautiful balloon.
I'll take you anywhere, the 5th dimension, but now we've got a job to do.
Boys, grab your weapons.
Let's go.
( suspenseful theme playing ) Aahh! OTHERS: Shh! Shh! ( man laughing ) Stop that laughing.
( laughing ) Stop it or this dungeon will have clown confetti all over it.
( laughing ) ( whistles ) JERRY & DANNY: Pie, guys! Ugh! Ugh! Argh! ( laughing ) Oh, Mork! Oh, Mandy, I'm sorry about the cream all over the dungeon, but I freed the king's tapes to the people.
Oh, Mork, you risked your life for my people.
No, I did it for you.
Oh! Hey, hey, this is no time to fool around! We've got a balloon to catch.
Besides, we're running out of ammunition.
Save a pie for yourselves.
They'll never take us alive! DANNY: Hurry, the revolution has started.
The townspeople are attacking the castle.
Whoa! ( crowd shouting ) ( explosions ) EXIDON: Welcome to my world.
Prepare for your doom.
Well, I guess it's time we got our just deserts.
( chuckles ) Now that's funny.
( bomb whistling ) Now that's not funny! Whoever did that, off with his head! ( bomb whistling ) EXIDON: Okay! Okay! Off with his trigger finger, but that's the bottom line.
It's all over for you, Exidon.
The people are revolting.
ALL: They are? They've read the tapes.
Tapes? What tapes? He's a crook, and we have the proof.
His entire plan is on tape.
It's binding evidence too.
Your noble king caused the power shortage.
Now try and sell your autobiography.
Nyah! Off with everybody's head! You caused the power shortage? Off with everybody's head, except yours.
( bomb whistling ) Ahh! I think it's about time for me to goose step out of here.
Don't let him get away! Hit him with a stick! JERRY: Shtick? ( all chattering ) Oh, this is exciting.
Shades of the Magna Carta, Fourth of July, Bastille Day, Cinco de Mayo.
Allons-y de la Patrie Come on, Mandy.
Let's go, girl.
Come on, Mand, let's go! Come on, Mand.
Up, up, up.
Come on.
Oh, Mork.
Thanks for helping us.
Mandy, what's wrong? Oh, a shell.
I'll get I'll get you a doctor.
Mork, I got I got what I wanted.
My people are free.
Now they can laugh again.
You know, Mork, I think that if I'd ever really gotten to know you, I I could have ( gasps ) Tell Mindy that she's really lucky.
No, Mandy.
Come on.
You hang in there, girl.
( melancholy theme playing ) It's not fair! It's not fair! It's not fair! Oh, no! What's happening? I'm growing! Mandy! Mandy, I don't wanna leave you now, please.
Mandy, I don't wanna grow.
( suspenseful theme playing ) Mandy! Mandy! Mindy! ( dramatic theme playing ) Oh.
( sobbing ) MORK: Mindy! Mindy, Mindy! Mindy, Mindy, Mindy! Mindy, Mindy! Mork! ( crying ): Oh, Mork! I You've been gone three days! I thought you I thought you died.
Oh, Mind.
Oh, Mind, it's terrible.
But it was wonderful too.
I shrank down.
I was in a little, tiny parallel universe.
( crying ) And everybody was there.
Exidor and Mr.
Bickley and you were there.
But you died.
I It doesn't matter because you're back.
I can't believe it.
( crying ) I missed you so.
Oh.
This This may be a little selfish of me, and I know no one lives forever, but I hope I I leave this life before you do, 'cause I never wanna lose you twice.
( upbeat theme playing ) ( mysterious theme playing ) MORK: The molecules of the tablecloth became another universe.
And the planet I landed on must have been just an atom.
The society was advanced in some ways and backwards in others.
And the people, oh, especially Mandy.
Hum, boy ORSON: Mork, we've already discussed that.
Oh, I know that, your wideship.
Mork, I know this may be painful, but tell me exactly how you felt when Mandy passed on.
Hm.
Well I felt anger at first and anguish and a sense of deep loneliness.
I can't even fully comprehend one emotion.
All those emotions at once.
It must cause insanity.
Well, it does at first, sir.
Then after you have time to think, you realize the good side.
You realize that love can extend beyond universes and even beyond death.
Till next week, sir.
Nanu.
( dramatic theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing )