Nobody Wants This (2024) s02e01 Episode Script

1
[upbeat music plays]
[Joanne] Okay, let's catch up
our listeners. So you might remember
that, against all odds,
the Prophet and I fell in love,
and we became an adorable couple.
Then, at a very fun bat mitzvah
for his niece,
I freaked out and broke it off with him.
I was actually being very selfless,
putting his career over my own happiness.
Anyway, he ran after me
in a very romantic way.
It was as if I planned the whole thing,
but I swear I didn't.
And now we're making it work.
We're actually We've made it work.
We're an amazing couple.
Anyway, I am in a big, beautiful,
healthy relationship
with a real-life adult man,
and I think it's solid enough for me
to stop using a nickname
when I talk about him.
[Morgan] Whoa, okay, we did not discuss
this. Um, also, sorry, is it that solid?
I feel like you guys have a lot
you haven't figured out
that's very important.
You know what I mean?
[Joanne] Okay, you you will understand,
Morgan, when you are in love.
We are living in the present.
Not the past. Not the future.
- Oh, that's a foul! That's a foul!
- Yes!
Number eight grabbed it out of his hands.
Major flag on the play.
It's okay. They're allowed to do that.
They're allowed.
That's stupid.
[Joanne] Anyway, his name is Noah,
and he's a rabbi.
Yes, you heard that correct.
He is a rabbi.
And what else? We're in love.
Breaking news. You're in a psychotically
annoying relationship.
Way to make
all our single listeners feel bad.
No, this relationship is inspirational.
I am dating a man who has
glass water carafes next to his bed.
Mm. I wonder when the other shoe
is gonna drop, and what it will be.
Ah, the mysteries of life.
[funky music plays]
Hey. I'm going over my notes
for this weekend.
I'm gonna make the pomodoro,
you're making the cucumber salad,
and then Ryann's boyfriend
is gonna bring appetizers?
- [music fades]
- Uh, one appetizer, yes.
Uh, but they're these, like, fancy little
cheese balls that will change your life.
Great. Writing it down.
Okay. Here we go.
All right.
Are you ready?
Oh yeah. Just do it.
- God!
- Oh.
- Damn it. Those toes are cold.
- Yeah.
Can I please put socks on you?
No, because then I'm gonna get too hot.
You know?
No, I get it. That's logical.
- [exhales]
- Hold my hand.
I'm saying a relationship isn't solid
until you're out of the honeymoon phase.
We are out of the honeymoon phase.
What? No you're not. You've been together
for, like, five minutes.
The real test is, you know,
when you merge your lives
and you blend your friends.
That's what we're doing.
We're hosting our first dinner party,
which you're invited to, by the way,
and you still haven't RSVP'd.
Okay. I'm RSVPing right now. Calm down.
Right now, this here, this is my RSVP.
Okay? Also, first dinner party, huh?
It's, like, a lot of pressure.
Can you please stop
poking holes in my story?
Okay? I'm unveiling my relationship.
I am trying to stay positive.
Noah has put almost everything
he cares about on the line for me.
Okay. Wow. Clearly,
I struck a nerve. [chuckles]
- [upbeat music plays]
- [Morgan clears throat]
[sighs] Anyway, um
[clears throat] His name is Noah.
- Love a hand lotion, don't you?
- Yeah. Of course.
[music fades]
[funky music plays]
Yeah. Just
You do like how I updated my room, right?
The woman at the store
said it was masculine minimalist.
So sweet.
- You can be talked into anything.
- Mm-hmm.
[exhales] No, I like it.
- I have my system.
- Yeah.
Hold on till the end ♪
I like your system.
My system? My system is very complicated.
- Oh, I think I've
- [squeals]
figured it out a few times.
No one can make a wish
That's better than this, yeah ♪
- [music stops]
- [knocking on door]
Oh.
Noah. Come on in. Have a seat.
Thanks for seeing me.
I won't take up too much of your time.
Just wanted to come in
and clear a few things up
because, um, you know, this opportunity,
it's my dream job.
That's what I was thinking,
and then you went a little MIA,
as the kids would say.
- [chuckles awkwardly] Well
- The temple chatter has a lot of theories.
I don't listen to it,
but I hear it.
Okay. And you're referring to Joanne.
Love is crazy.
Yeah.
My girlfriend in college,
she kept telling me
that she was going to stop taking walks
with her high school sweetheart,
but in the end, she was cheating on me
with him the whole time.
And I married her anyway.
That doesn't seem Judy?
- Your current wife, Judy?
- Yeah.
Okay. Well, listen, like I was saying,
Joanne is going to convert.
You know, she just wants to do it
on her own timeline, and--
As she should,
but it is a very difficult decision.
- [knocking on door]
- Sorry to interrupt.
- I have your lunch, Rabbi Cohen.
- [Rabbi Cohen] Oh. [sighs happily]
[woman] Also, Rabbi Noah,
glass carafes by the bed
is king shit. Slay.
Huh?
Joanne talked about them on the pod.
My uncle has those at his house.
He's gay.
Hm. Hm.
[upbeat music plays]
- Is that Chardonnay? I hate Chardonnay.
- You hate Chardonnay. Ah, see?
That is why we are bringing this.
For the love of my life
only drinks Sauvignon Blanc.
And this is a joke Chardonnay that Noah
and I regift every couple of months.
Oh, I'm familiar. Maybe no bits tonight.
Leave it in the car.
- Okay.
- Is the, uh, sister gonna be there?
- She'll probably be there.
- Don't even think about being nice to her.
- Of course not.
- Don't even say hello to her.
I'd never do that.
But don't completely ignore her so
she thinks we had a conversation about it
and I'm threatened by her,
because I don't care.
Maybe just, like, say hello or
No, that's too nice.
Like, just say hello, and then that's it.
Just be done.
Okay, yeah. No, 100%.
- That makes sense.
- Okay.
And there's, like, nothing there.
You know, we were just texting dumb stuff.
- Right.
- We were just having fun.
You think she's fun?
You have fun with her?
No. No, no, no. I do not think she is fun.
She is not fun.
This is fun.
There is an art
to throwing a great dinner party,
and seating is the foundation.
- Do you know what the second part is?
- No.
- Lighting.
- Mm-hmm.
Would you like to handle lighting?
Moi? I would be honored. [chuckles]
When Morgan and I go to parties
or weddings and we're not seated together,
we just switch the name tags.
[chuckles]
You don't actually do that, do you?
I don't do it anymore, no.
- Good.
- Not since you looked at me like that.
You think it's gonna be weird having
Morgan and Sasha and Esther all together?
No, I think it's gonna be fine.
This is gonna be great.
It's gonna be great.
- Okay.
- [Joanne] Okay, I'm on lighting.
This is 20%,
50%,
70%.
Yikes, that's an airport bathroom.
Okay, no.
You know what?
I should just make an executive decision.
You're right. Right?
- Hey, yeah.
- Uh, question for you.
Did you make fun of my water carafes
on the podcast?
- What?
- [Noah] Yeah.
Did I make fun? No.
I was bragging about your water carafes.
Of course. Okay, great.
Uh, well [exhales] Look,
I don't wanna censor you or anything,
but maybe no personal stuff
about me on the pod?
Okay, yeah. No, got it.
I didn't think
water carafes were personal.
They're not. I guess they're not.
- Okay.
- Okay. Sorry.
All right, carafes are back on the table.
Love it. [gasps] Our first guest.
[Noah] Hey.
Spencer dumped me.
- Oh no!
- Oh no.
Is that what you're wearing?
No.
Oh, Ryann, I'm so sorry.
Oh, that's terrible.
Oh, did he do it
after he made the cheese balls or--
No. He did it this morning.
Just completely out of nowhere.
No warning.
- No warning?
- No warning.
Are you sure there wasn't anything
that you did or didn't do?
'Cause sometimes you can be
That's not important. You know what?
I know what you need. Shots.
And just not even think about this.
Just tonight, have fun, okay?
No, thanks. Maybe find a place to lay down
so I can be around people.
- I'll get the tea.
- Okay.
Okay.
Um, this is our first dinner party
as a couple.
There's a lot riding on it,
so I need you to lighten the mood.
I feel like you're not hearing me.
Wanna borrow something to wear?
[doorbell chimes]
Hello.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Good. You two are still together.
- What? Why would we not be together?
- That's not what I meant.
Just a thing with some other guests
who are no longer in the running
to be our favorite couple friends.
Great. You and I are in first place.
There you go.
Esther, wanna be my best friend?
- No, I'm all set.
- [Joanne] Okay.
- Ow! You just shut the door on me!
- [Joanne] Oh my God.
I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
- Come on in.
- Wow, that's quite an outfit.
Oh. What? What? You told us to dress up.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's fashion.
- [awkward chuckling]
[clears throat]
Sorry, I didn't bring anything. I, um
I don't do that, so
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Is I'm sorry. Are you guys ignoring me?
What's going on?
No. No, I'm not
I'm not I'm not ignoring you.
- Okay.
- I'm not
You know, there are just ti
There are just times when
people sometimes
look at a situation from many
Yes.
I was talking to somebody
about that the other day.
- Okay. Yeah, we're gonna have a talk.
- Okay.
- Me?
- Sash.
Whore number two, let's do it.
A chat.
- We should follow them and listen?
- No, we let them figure it out.
- Exactly what I was thinking.
- Yeah. Okay.
[intriguing music plays]
All right. Well, okey dokey, artichokies.
Let's go.
- You're gonna stand up the whole time?
- No, I'm gonna
[Esther] Okay.
Oh, this is fabulous. What?
[sighs]
[music fades]
I just wanna say that I'm in no way
prepared to have a threesome.
- [Morgan] In what world?
- What?
Not how I thought this was gonna go.
I I could do it.
In what world do you think
this is the threesome I would initiate?
- Neither of you would be involved.
- Agreed.
Wait. I wouldn't be there?
This is not a threesome.
This is just a conversation.
Well, most threesomes
probably start with a conversation.
I have literally never started a threesome
with a conversation, but
- You don't lay down ground rules?
- I Okay.
How many threesomes have you been in?
- [Noah] Lenny!
- Good to see you.
- I fucking miss you!
- Good to see you.
- I like this. This is very good.
- Yeah, I thought it was good.
Who's here? Give me the lay of the land.
Oh, just a casual gathering of friends.
Let's see.
There's, uh, Esther and my brother,
of course.
Joanne. Um, Ashley will be coming.
She's a lesbian, so not for you.
Ryann is crying on the floor.
And, um, Morgan.
Morgan.
I like that name.
So this is a setup. Dude, I love you.
It's not a setup.
It's just friends and two single people
sitting next to each other at dinner.
And if sparks fly, it's out of my control.
Look, I don't know what weird stuff
went on between the two of you.
I don't know what, but I'd like to say
that I'm deading it right now.
No. Nothing happened.
I'm gonna be the judge
of what is something and what is nothing.
I saw all the text messages.
Mm.
Okay, we're just friends.
I mean, we were friends.
We're not friends now.
But we were at one point,
but now we're not.
Well, it did get a little bit weird.
And I told him it was weird.
- You agreed that it was weird.
- Sasha?
- Yes, I agreed that it was weird.
- That's what I thought.
- [Morgan] Yes.
- [Sasha] But nothing happened.
- This woman means nothing to me.
- That's true.
She is nothing.
- Literally, at her core, she is nothing.
- Wow. Great. Okay, rude.
- No, I didn't mean it like that.
- You didn't?
- No, I did.
- You Okay.
I'm sorry. I'm not great with conflict.
Okay, I'll just make it, like,
a little bit easier for all of us.
I am your wife, and I'll just decide
who you're friends with.
- Great.
- Great.
So here's what I think happened.
I think whore number two--
- You can just call me Morgan, it's--
- It's a term of endearment at this point.
Sure, Morgan, you saw your sister,
like, all loved up in a new relaish,
and you got a crush
on the hotter older brother.
- [Sasha] Yeah.
- [Esther] Classic.
It's not even the crushing that I hated.
It's really more the laughing together
and the inside jokes,
and I just need to remind everyone,
I am also fun.
Oh, babe, you're the most fun.
Okay, I just have to say that, um,
I've never seen you be fun,
but I'm really looking forward to it.
And I just have to say
that this was a fucking warning,
and I'm really good at revenge.
Okay. Fun.
- [gasps]
- [Morgan] That was fun.
- Hi.
- [Noah] Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- How are you?
[Lenny] What's goin' on?
- Hey, what's up, bro?
- [Lenny] What's good, bro?
- I'm gonna
- Hi.
- [Lenny] What's your name?
- Morgan. Yeah.
[funky music plays]
Sure, I'd fuck her.
- Nope, don't love that. Can't do that.
- [music fades]
- Um, mm-mm.
- I meant it as a compliment. She's hot.
I understand,
but she's my girlfriend's sister.
Do you think you can be serious?
I need to plant deep roots
in the ground with Joanne, right?
And we gotta merge our worlds together,
and you being with her sister,
that'd be so great.
- So great.
- Okay.
- Yeah, take a deep breath.
- Okay.
You ever hosted a dinner party before?
- You're right.
- Yeah.
- You're right. You know what? It's casual.
- It's casual.
- Don't overthink it. Have fun.
- Don't overthink it. Yeah.
See you in there.
Hey, how'd it go? What happened?
I don't know, man. It got sexual.
That's all I'm gonna say about it.
[upbeat music plays]
Tell me the truth, boy ♪
Am I losing you ♪
Assigned seats? That doesn't feel casual.
We used to kiss ♪
What? My name's not even
the same color ink as everyone else.
Fine, you weren't originally invited,
okay? Get over it.
- The disrespect. Hi, I'm Ashley.
- Hi.
I'm sort of the glue of the group.
Oh, that's cool. I'm Lenny.
Noah and I ball together.
Why do guys have so many hobbies?
Uh, ball's really more of a lifestyle
than a hobby.
Totally. We have hobbies because we refuse
to accept the chokehold of adulthood
that continues to strangle us
every single day.
- Preach.
- That's not why I play. I'm an adult.
- It's It's too much.
- I'm gonna need something stronger.
Yeah, it's intense.
Ryann, do you want me to get you
a plate of food? Or maybe I can feed you?
That's really nice, but I
I think I just need to lay here
and sort of replay everything over
and over in my head until it makes sense.
[Ashley] Do what you have to do.
Tell me the truth, boy ♪
Am I losing you for good? ♪
- [Noah] Thank you.
- [Esther] I think
- Oh my God, really?
- [Esther] No, I actually
[chuckles]
I get mistaken for Zooey Deschanel,
like, twice a week.
I was in Beverly Hills the other day,
and this paparazzi was like, "Zooey!"
- I was like, "I'm not"
- What?
I'm sorry. Don't get mad.
I I just don't see it.
I'm not always mad, Ashley.
Jesus, I'm also very fun.
- She's fun.
- [Ryann] You know what I think happened?
I think that he saw me
taking the hair out of my hairbrush
and balling it up and throwing it away,
and I think that really grossed him out.
- We're eating.
- [Ryann] I shouldn't have done that.
- Morgan, how tall are you? Like, 5'10"?
- Oh, no, I'm, uh I'm 5'9", so
Oh, that's cool. Were you tall as a kid
and felt kind of awkward about it?
Oh, no, not at all.
I didn't have an awkward phase.
I was always very cool
and very pretty, so, yeah.
- That's cool. No, that's great for you.
- Sorry.
Does anyone know which of these dips
go with this?
- I feel like the green goes well
- Look at our worlds. Merging.
That in there?
- Mix all three.
- [Morgan] I did get my finger in there.
- [Esther] It's a pesto.
- [Ashley] Trust it.
So you're converting to Judaism.
Welcome to the tribe.
Mm.
No, we're gonna do
the whole, like, interfaith thing.
Uh, well
I mean, I think we agreed
to table it for now,
and then you would decide
in your own timeline.
Right? I totally respect that.
I think that's very cool.
Maybe it's because I called his mom "Mom"
and not your mom.
I mean, I'm not his fucking sister.
- Yeah, that's the one.
- That was it.
I didn't think we tabled it.
I thought we we took it off the table.
Off the table? Oh. Oh, okay.
- Yeah, is that not--
- No, as in never?
You guys wanna sidebar this
until after dinner or
- Did we have two different conversations?
- It seems like we did.
- [Joanne] What else could you have--
- Joanne, I think you need to pee.
- Do you need to go to the bathroom?
- Yep.
[Morgan] And we're going. Come on.
[poignant music plays]
We're done. That's it. It's over.
Okay, but how right was I
about the other shoe dropping?
- Morgan, this is my real relationship.
- Okay, sorry.
How could we have been on such
different pages about that conversation?
I don't know. I mean, I honestly sort of
thought that you guys had tabled it too.
Morgan, do not repeat that.
- Okay.
- Jesus.
We're done. Okay. Well, I guess
I should've seen this coming.
[Morgan] Joanne, you're being dramatic.
The honeymoon phase is over.
Now the real relationship starts. Okay?
[Joanne sighs]
Okay, listen.
I have to tell you something.
But I have to give you a warning.
It's not about you.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Sasha said something earlier.
He told me I was nothing.
Why would he say that?
I'm not nothing, you know?
Wait, who cares about Sasha?
Focus on Lenny.
Wait, who's Lenny?
The guy sitting right next to you.
Oh my God. Oh my God. Joanne.
Is this a setup? Are you kidding me?
The adult man in a vest?
Come on. I am so out of his league.
Mm, maybe that's a good thing. You know?
Maybe he'll become obsessed with you.
Don't you wanna be worshipped?
[sighs] I do love being worshipped.
Wait, I wanna see the little shelf
next to your bed that you pile stuff on.
Not now. Everything's falling apart.
Oh my God. Jesus.
Where are you going so fast?
I've gotta tuck in my shirt.
- [soft music plays]
- [Sasha] This playlist is sick.
What? This playlist is horrible.
Okay, changing the vibe.
It feel good
Waving your hands in the air ♪
- [Ashley] Unexpected.
- Okay.
Yeah, yeah, uh, ye-ye-ye-yeah ♪
- Could somebody fix the lighting, please?
- I knew it was wrong.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
It's good.
I'm just not afraid
to be the only one dancing.
That is me. Fun.
So fun.
[Sasha] Look at you.
- Yeah, right?
- [Ashley] Wow.
- Okay, that's my cue.
- [Ashley] Yeah, save yourself.
Are you leaving?
- Mm-hmm. It was nice meeting you.
- [chuckles] Okay, so, um
If you did it then
Then you'd probably ♪
Well,
do you, uh, want my number or [chuckles]
Oh. No, it's all good.
I'm sure I'll see you around.
- Oh.
- [Lenny] Yeah, right there.
Yeah. Cool.
- Thanks for having me. Nice to meet you.
- [Ashley] Same.
[Esther] Young and wild and free, baby.
[Sasha] Okay, I got excited
about the pie though.
[Esther] Okay.
You really are a gem, baby girl ♪
- Hey, can we talk?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, sure. Let's get this over with.
[music stops]
This is bad.
Well, yeah, it's not great. Uh
So when did you decide
that you're just never converting?
- I don't know what to do with that.
- I didn't You I just
I thought you said I choose you, so
- I do choose you. But I was just--
- But But only if I convert?
I mean, look, it's not a rule.
I was just hoping
it would be something
you would want to do eventually.
And if you don't, then, I
I don't know.
It really complicates my life.
I can't decide
if it's what I want for myself
with that pressure on me.
I know.
- I know.
- [sighs]
[gentle music plays]
[Noah sighs]
Are we doomed?
Excuse me?
You're not allowed to
No. I'm the cynical one.
I say stuff like that.
When you say stuff like that, it's scary.
Well, it is a little scary.
Where did that come from?
Cold sweat, hot-headed believer ♪
Oh.
Well, I saw you kept building
that tower of all your stuff,
so I got you a nightstand for it.
I mean, it doesn't really
go with the room, but
Are you kidding me?
What? Is it weird?
Are you kidding me?
- Noah!
- Yes.
- Are you kidding me?
- Oh, you like it.
Noah! [laughs]
It's the most romantic thing
that anyone's ever done on planet Earth.
You got me a nightstand for my tower.
It takes me all the way ♪
I mean, who even thinks of that?
I do.
I just want you to be happy.
I am happy.
of a life you're living ♪
I don't wanna deal with this.
I don't wanna deal with it either.
something you take ♪
Let's just enjoy being together.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Round and around and around ♪
We will have to eventually.
we go ♪
Not today.
Tell me now, tell me now
Tell me now, you know ♪
Hey. Sorry, I'm a little early.
Oh. No problem. Please sit.
You know, after that conversation
we had the other day,
I had some clarity.
Great. Great.
And I felt like what we really need
is a new guy in my place ASAP.
Wow.
Okay.
[man] Sorry to interrupt.
Oh man, is it
Is it happening right now?
I'm so sorry. Apologies.
Is what happening?
Uh
These things are not supposed
to unfold this way. Please.
- Rabbi Noah Roklov, meet Rabbi Noah Field.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
He's Temple Chai's new senior rabbi.
I'm sorry.
Wait.
Did I just get passed over?
No offense, Noah,
but one day your girl's converting,
the next day she's not converting.
Who the hell knows?
I think people just wanted a safer bet.
Excuse me, how do you even Wait.
We talked about my timeline dilemma.
We agreed to put a pin in it.
I don't even understand.
- There's a whole process with the board.
- Noah is someone with a lot of buzz.
We've been eyeing him
since his sermon went viral.
- This is a competitive situation.
- Went viral?
We have to act fast.
My socials are on fire.
It was Hot Ones.
That's what really did it for me.
Noah, you will always be
an important part of Temple Chai.
But we can't have a whole congregation
waiting to see
if your girlfriend is going to convert.
[pensive music plays]
I
I need to change my lunch order.
- You two get to know each other.
- [Noah Field] Thank you, Rabbi.
[music stops]
You don't remember me, huh?
We don't know each other.
We had two summers of crossover
at Camp Haverim.
You don't remember?
I was color war captain,
two years running.
Blue team.
Everyone called me Big Noah,
and they called you Little--
Okay.
I kind of remember you. I
I didn't recognize you.
For the record, I think
only two people called me that,
and you tried to make it stick.
- Sorry, I didn't mean to trigger you.
- I'm not triggered.
'Cause you seem a little worked up.
Actually, I think I'm being very calm,
given the situation.
- Likewise. That's very nice to hear.
- Rabbi Noah?
- Yeah?
- Yeah?
If it's easier to be ♪
Alone than be with me ♪
How'd it go?
I love you just the same ♪
It's fine ♪
No, don't cry ♪
I'm still on your side ♪
I'll piece myself together ♪
When I fall apart ♪
Homesick, with nowhere to go ♪
Can't kick this feeling
Everything that I miss ♪
And I will love you wherever you go ♪
I know ♪
Leaving wasn't easy ♪
[music fades]