On the Buses (1969) s02e01 Episode Script

Production number 0276, VTR 10-569, part one, take one.
Hey.
Hello, Bobby.
Here, stick this inside, will you?
That's it.
Watch it!
Blimey, this egg's in there!
Look, you're late.
Get in that cab.
Look, I got here seven minutes early to do that shopping.
Yeah, well, now we're eight minutes late.
You're a lousy shopper.
Get in that cab.
Hang on a minute.
Bobby, what's up now?
I forgot my stamps.
Hello, lad.
Here.
You didn't let that bloke put his case on my shopping, did you?
Look, I've had hundreds of passengers on and off this bus.
I haven't had a chance to keep an eye on your frozen veg.
You shouldn't put your shopping on the bus.
Look, I've told you before I've got the old lady and Olive down with the flu.
Blimey, somebody's got to do it, hasn't he?
Right, well, then
Oh, no!
You lousy idiot!
I couldn't help it!
Here, watch it.
Here comes the Gestapo.
Late again, butler.
What's it this time, eh?
What is it?
What's that?
That is
Yeah.
You had livestock on the bus, haven't you?
It's just a broken egg.
Egg?
Yeah.
I can see it's an egg, but how did it get down there?
Well, didn't you know?
We've got hen on top.
Twit.
There's another one.
Where are they all coming from?
Oh, come on, give us this.
Come to my shopping.
Your shopping?
Yeah.
You know the regulations, butler.
What?
Eh?
I don't know yours.
Oh, God, Eddie.
Might be a passenger.
Yeah.
A passenger might lay that on a seat.
I know the rules.
I should hand that in to the lost property.
You'd do that.
If nobody claims it in three months, it's yours.
Well, you sure lie.
Don't think I'd be fool enough to go and collect it, do you?
After three months, he wouldn't have to.
He'd have come and collect you.
Oh, poo.
Poo, mate.
The smell of that one down there, you won't have to wait three months.
He's right, you know.
It's well off.
Blimey, that's a liberty.
I paid six bob a dozen for those eggs.
They told me they were farm fresh.
Farm fresh?
Smells like a farmyard.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, mate.
Look, you can see they've got the feathers on them, look.
You ignorant moron.
They're ducks' feathers.
Probably stuck on with fish glue.
And don't let me catch you using the bus to carry your personal effects,
either.
I can't help it.
I got them all down with a flu at home.
Yeah?
They'll all be down with food poisoning when they get that lot down there,
mate.
Here you are.
You might as well go home and do your arse work.
Little mother.
Fine doing that.
My brother-in-law's doing that.
Well done.
I bet you didn't send him to go do the shopping for you.
Farm fresh.
Two.
Two.
Oi!
You're leaking all over the very floor, mate.
Blimey, that's my yoghurt gone for a burnt, innit?
Well, keep moving.
When you stand still, you make a puddle.
Come on.
Come on.
Get some sawdust and clean that lot up.
What?
You must be joking.
Well, you won't be joking, mate, if somebody comes round here and slips over
and bakes their neck on it.
Yeah?
You try it and see.
Stan?
Stan?
Is that you, Stan?
Yeah, it's me.
I'm home, Mum.
Hey, I'll be up in a minute.
And listen, I've got the shopping.
Did you get me pink stamps?
Er, yeah.
Yeah, I got your stamps here.
And they're
No, they're green.
Ah, you went to the wrong place.
Can you take the shopping back?
Mum?
Mum, was that Stan just come in?
Yes.
My old water bottle's gone cold and Arthur says he's too busy to change it.
Stan!
I leave that water bottle's gone all cold.
She left it away.
I'll bring it up in a minute.
Hey, Arthur.
I've done the shopping, mate.
Take your filthy feet off that floor.
And watch where you're putting that shopping.
I've had to clean everywhere.
And what are you doing home so late?
Have you been drinking with Jack again?
Of course I ain't.
No, I'm running late.
I haven't stopped since I came in from work.
You left this place looking like a pigsty.
I had to get free breakfast this morning.
That's a lot of grub.
Yeah, I know.
Most of it's on this pan.
That should come off, mate.
Because that happens to be a non-stick pan.
It hasn't been stuck on, mate.
It's been welded on.
You look cute in your rubber gloves.
You may scoff, mate, but I do not intend getting my hands rough.
Keep them nice and smooth, mate.
They'll match the top of your head.
Here, look at that.
I can see my face in that.
God blimey, you're a glutton for punishment, isn't you?
Listen, have you given the old lady her medicine?
I have not had time.
Oh, blimey.
I mean, after all, she's had the flu.
I mean, it's left her very weak, you know.
Stan!
Stan!
Stan!
Can I have my tonic?
I don't think I'll give her any.
Blimey, she'll have that broomstick right through the ceiling.
She's getting weaker, mate.
Half an hour ago, she did.
Stan!
Stan!
My tonic!
I'll bring it up with your dinner.
Then be a good boy and bring me dinner up.
Blimey, she's getting better, mate.
Here, I'm leaving this bed for you.
I've got one of my headaches coming on.
Yeah, well, I'll do some of this shopping, mate.
I'll do this shopping.
And what
What is that?
That's the butter.
Isn't it marvellous, eh?
They bring that 13,000 miles all the way from New Zealand in perfect condition.
You can't bring it half a mile from a shop.
Ah, got too hot on the bus, I expect.
You got any fruit for the invalids?
Yep, yeah, I've got some grapes.
For when I need potatoes.
What do you put them under the potatoes for?
Because I bought them first.
You put fragile things on top, mate.
Blimey, I put the eggs on top and they got broke.
And what do you buy an empty carton for?
It wasn't empty.
That was the yoghurt.
And what's this?
Ah, that's some tapioca.
The doctor said Mum can have some tapioca.
She likes it, it's her favourite.
Here, I bet she thinks I've forgot it.
Oh, blimey.
What do you want now?
I bet you forgot to get me tapioca.
I'm cooking it now.
You must have very hot hands.
I'm going to do it in this, Arthur.
Hey, hey, hey, no.
Not clean that one.
How about this one then?
That one took me on for now.
Well give us the cat's bowl, I'll do it in there.
Don't be stupid.
Here, cook it in there.
Alright, now let me see.
Now I want some milk, some sugar and the tapioca.
That's right, innit?
Don't ask me, mate, you're the cook.
I'm just the kitchen maid.
I shall be going cream my hands.
Get you, darling.
Now let's see.
Milk first.
Tapioca pudding should be done by now, aren't they?
What are you talking about?
Your cookbook said two hours at number three.
I couldn't wait that long, so I gave it half hour at number twelve.
It's not the same.
What a lot of rot you two talk.
Of course it's not the same.
No, no.
What's the matter with that then, eh?
Well that shrunk a bit, didn't it?
Yeah, well they always do when you cook them, don't they?
I'll try a bit from the side.
Blimey, it's a bit solid, isn't it?
That's a pretty big spoonful, isn't it?
Blimey, I've never seen anything like that before.
I had when they were building the M1.
What are you talking about?
There's nothing wrong with it.
It wasn't thinning out with a drop of milk at all.
God, blimey, it's waterproof.
You know what?
You could patent that, mate.
No, I reckon you've discovered a new type of plastic.
You can't give that to Ma to eat.
What's she ever done to you?
What's wrong with it?
Blimey, it's only milk, sugar and tapioca.
You try a bit.
No, thank you.
I am not a tapioca person.
And I'm not feeling so good.
You try it.
No, I'll give Mum a bit.
She'll tell me if it's any good or not.
Huh?
The old water bottle's freezing.
Shall I go down and fill it?
No, love, you stay here.
Let Stan do it.
Oh, all right.
Here, Mum.
Hello, Olive.
Hello, Stan.
Is it better?
Look, I made you some tapioca.
It didn't come out quite right, though.
Oh, it looks delicious.
Yeah, well, you'd better try it first.
Yes, it does.
Yeah.
It's very nice.
It's different.
But delicious.
Can you fill my hot water bottle, please, Stan?
God, blimey, I'm up and down these stairs.
I'm worn out.
Good job I'm a driver and not a conductor.
But you just told Stan it was delicious.
Well, milk's all right, but I didn't want to upset him.
What am I going to do with it?
Oh, I know.
I'll give it to Rusty.
Oh, love, there you are.
Oh, blimey.
Here, I've got something to do, Mum.
What?
Ah, you always was a clever girl.
Quick thinker.
Here, give it to Stan.
Stan's coming.
Here's your hot water, Belle.
Thanks, love.
The kettle was boiling, so be careful it's hot.
Blimey, you soon hit that.
Here, want some more, then?
No, no, no, thanks, love.
Well, there's plenty downstairs.
No, no, I don't want to make a pig of meself, love.
All right, then.
Now, is there anything else you want me to do before I go?
Oh, yes, just a few things.
I'm going to put my glasses on.
I've got a list here for you.
What have you done with it, Rust?
A list?
Yes, I've got a lovely list here.
Come on, Rust, here, let's read this list.
Here it is.
Take our new prescription to the chemist and bring back the medicine.
Medicine?
What are you talking about, blimey?
You've got all this lot here, look.
Well, blimey, that was when we was ill.
Now we're getting better, it's different.
Get olive sickness benefit.
Get me old age pension.
Get the insurance paid.
Get some nice fresh fish.
Is that all?
That's all on this page.
Get some oranges.
Get some apples.
Oh, blimey, why can't she do something?
Well, she has, dear.
She made the list out.
Well, I thought I'd have her do something.
I can't do all this work on me own.
What's the matter with you?
I thought so.
What?
102.5. What?
I've got the flu, mate.
You'll be able to carry on without me.
God, blimey, that's all I needed.
Well, isn't it lucky we're all ill together, Stan?
Oh, very lucky.
I shall just have to go to bed for a few days.
Oh, well, that's not too bad, love.
I'll be in bed all day with you.
Right.
Blimey, having flu's going to be worse than I thought.
Come in.
Come in.
Come in.
Oh, blimey.
Excuse me, darling.
Is your husband at home?
Shut up.
Wipe your feet.
Wipe your feet.
All right, all right.
Come on, Stan.
We're due out in half an hour.
I can't go yet, blimey.
I'll have to wait, mate.
I haven't taken the breakfast up yet.
Well, get your skates on, will you?
Don't knock your ass all over my floor.
All right.
Where's the ashtray?
Not in there, blimey.
Can't you see it's clean?
I'll swallow it if you like.
I'm getting rid of it tomorrow, thank God.
Oh, yeah?
What's it going to be?
Arsenic in the cocoa or weed killer in the centipods?
No, the doctor said mum was strong enough to travel, so I'm banging them off
down to her sister at Thorpe Bay.
Oh, now, that is a good idea, that is.
What's that smell?
What smell?
The milk!
God, blimey.
God, blimey.
It's all your fault, innit?
My fault?
Well, if you'd been late as usual, this wouldn't have happened.
It's all right, you can boil up another lot.
I can't.
I've used up three saucepans already.
Here you are.
What is that?
That's no good.
Why not?
I ain't got no milk.
Give it to me.
Sid, what about our breakfast?
Shut up!
I'll bring it up in a minute.
How do you do, lads?
Go to toast, to toast!
Here, this grill pan's all full of milk.
I'll sling it down the sink.
No, no, no.
Don't waste it.
I'll give that to Arthur.
But that's all greasy.
I know, I cooked some lamb chops with it last night.
He moaned there was no gravy, so he can have it with his milk this morning.
Well, it'll taste of lamb chops.
I'll tell him it's lamb's milk.
Stan!
Don't forget my pills!
God, blimey, no wonder I can't sweep the floor.
They've got all the brooms upstairs.
I'll bring it up with your breakfast.
What a life this is, mate.
Where's her head?
That's it.
Sure you can manage, all right?
Ah, shut your gob.
Come on, make some room for the tray.
Here, is that one of your tissues?
He said it's marvellous.
When anyone else takes out a tissue, another one pops up.
You take out a tissue, nothing pops up.
Don't shout at me.
I can't help it if nothing happens.
Nothing ever happens, will you?
Oh, thank goodness.
Go on, quick, chop.
Blimey, I've got a lot here.
Cut all of it.
Here you are.
Here's yours.
That's it.
Do something, do something.
Here we are.
Thanks very much.
Your little chip's all right, I suppose.
Oh, love.
Nice cup of tea, some prunes.
And here's your pills, look.
Oh, thanks.
I'll put them on there.
It wasn't too much bother for you, was it?
No, no.
Didn't have no trouble in the kitchen?
Oh, no, no, no, it was all right.
Now, you eat your prunes up.
I want you to be nice and strong for when you travel tomorrow, see?
Oh, love, that reminds me.
You'd better take the washing round to the laundry act.
I'll have to do that next week.
No, love, it must go today.
You see, we can't go away unless we're all clean.
I've got three shifts to do, mum.
For God's sake, I won't be able to do it.
All right, love, never mind.
I'll manage to get downstairs somehow.
Of course, if I hurt myself and can't go tomorrow
Here we go again.
All right, I've heard it all before.
All right, all right.
Come on, come on.
Where is it?
Where is it?
Under the bed.
Oh, love, you'd better take these couple of towels with you as well.
Yes, all right.
We want to be nice and clean.
Here, wait a minute.
There's something else here.
Some nice
Yes, there you are.
There's that.
There's my serviettes here.
And here's my bed jacket.
Well, wait a minute.
What are you doing?
My bed socks.
I thought you was taking the sheets off of the bed for a minute.
Get up.
Get up.
Be a good boy.
A good boy?
I haven't got time to be bad.
Hey, you!
That's my laundry.
No, it's mine.
No, it's mine.
This is yours.
It's mine.
It's mine.
She's a bluebird.
That's mine.
It's yours.
That's my laundry.
Just a minute.
How do you know it's yours?
Is that yours?
Here, let's take it on the bus, will you?
What were you doing with that bird?
Trying to pinch her bra?
God, blimey, the first she went, you thought she was wearing it.
Yeah, well, it's a nice thought, eh?
Get in the cab.
Yes, that's my laundry there.
Hello.
What?
I've disobeyed enough of you.
Why?
The other day it was the shopping.
Today it's the laundry.
Yeah, that's right, yeah.
You know the regulations as well as I do.
Busmen will not use the buses to carry their personal effects.
Yeah, well, I've got to get home because they're waiting for it.
I don't know, they're yours.
What do you mean?
I know you busmen's tricks.
Claiming lost property is your own.
Oh, come off it.
It can prove it's his.
Well, prove it, then.
Go on, then.
What's on top?
Go on, what's on top?
Right.
What, these yours, are they?
Your long combs.
Your sister's tights, don't mess about.
What, this?
Yeah, never mind.
What, these yours?
Your pants, are they?
What, with the leopard spots?
Your pants?
Shut up.
Tarzan and the buses.
How do I know they're yours?
I put them on every Saturday night, don't I?
Any witnesses?
Uh-uh, hang on.
Shop steward, I'm here to tell you, you don't have to expose your private life
to an inspector.
I mean, can anyone identify them for you?
Yeah, well, one of the clippers.
Yeah, artist from Basildon.
She's seen them.
Has she?
Yeah, don't look like that.
She gave them to me as a Christmas present.
Yeah, hasn't done her much good.
She hasn't seen them since.
How do you know?
Has it got a hole in it?
Well, of course it has.
That's the way they're made, isn't it?
No, he didn't mean that one, Jack.
You mean that hole in the back, don't you?
Well, that's where I caught myself on a screw in the cab, you see.
And I had to put in for a new pair of trousers.
You remember that, Jack?
Yeah, I'll bring it up at the union.
You can put in for a new pair of underpants as well.
I know what my wife runs on your agenda.
Yes, well, it seems you can identify them.
But don't you let me catch you using a bus to carry your personal effects
again.
Yeah, well, anyway, come on.
I want it all back because my family have got to get packed up.
They're going away tomorrow.
I'm not surprised if you're wearing things like that.
What, are you going round the house swinging from chandelier to chandelier?
Carl's here, Mr. B.
Oh, well, I may as well go.
Have a good rest and don't hurry back now.
Now, are you sure you'll be all right, love?
I mean, can you cook for yourself?
Blimey, I've been cooking for you three all the week, haven't I?
That's one of the main reasons why we're going away.
Well, I made a menu out.
Well, blimey, Mum, I know what to eat, don't I?
Oh, it's not for you, love, it's for the cat.
Oh, I'll give it a drop of milk.
No, no, it's got to have boiled cod and minced liver, then stewed beef, then
minced vegetables and a nice little bit of chopped up heart.
I'll give it some grapefruit for starters, if you like.
Oh, very nice.
Only chop it up and take the pips out.
I think we'd better get going, Mr. B.
Here, don't let us stop you with the washing up.
Jack will see us to the car.
Righto, love.
Ta-da!
Come on then, over to you, Mr. B.
Head him off to the sky, love.
Now, look, Olive, Arthur, get well quickly, and then you can enjoy yourselves.
Yeah, well, I think we'll just get well quickly.
Come on, sunshine.
Hi, sunshine.
All right, Mr. B, all aboard.
That's the way.
Here you are, Jack.
There you go, Arthur.
Olive, that's it.
Here you go, sunshine.
Oh, Arthur, it'll be just like a second honeymoon.
Yeah, exactly the same.
There you go, Arthur.
Tuck your bottom in.
Over the top now.
Get well soon.
Over the top now.
Take care.
There you go.
All right.
Ta-da!
Well, that's it.
We got rid of them, Stan.
They're all gone now.
Get the birds in, eh?
Hey, what's wrong, mate?
You all right?
Oh, blimey, mate.
I didn't want to tell the old lady, but I feel lousy.
No, I think that's 102, innit?
You're kidding yourself, mate.
That's nowhere near 102.
It's 103.5. You've got the flu.
I'm not surprised.
They've all three of them, haven't they?
Go on, blimey, I know I'm catching.
Yeah, yes, you must be.
Hey, Jack, mate, what am I going to do, mate?
Oh, don't you worry.
You go to bed and I'll fix everything.
Oh, good.
You'll look after me?
No, I'll fix everything at the depot.
Get myself a new driver.
Now, don't forget, mate, we're only next door, so if you want anything, just
bang on the wall.
If we don't hear you, we'll know you're all right.
Or I've snuffed it.
Yeah, well, either way, you won't need any help, will you?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE