Resident Alien (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

1
Previously on "Resident Alien"
Hello, cousin.
You cannot give up on your mission.
Once I eradicate humanity
Don't move.
I'll return to my planet a hero.
If you don't tell me what is happening,
I'm going to lose my shit.
I am what your people
call an extraterrestrial.
If you kill everyone, you kill me.
Then I won't kill everyone.
I will miss you, friend.
I'll miss you too, friend.
Hi. You're taking me home, right?
This is some bullshit.
Being an alien is easier
than being a human.
We have evolved past having emotions,
so we are not forced to deal with things
like seasonal depression or road rage.
We also have no roads,
so nobody can cut you off,
not even Alpha Draconians,
who are lizard-faced dickheads.
After living on Earth,
I am not just an alien
with human emotions.
I am an alien with human memories.
Is there a point where
I become more human than alien?
I wanna go home!
I'm not turning around.
You should've thought of
that before you got in.
I didn't know we were going
all the way to Grandma's house!
Well, now you know, all right?
You can sing the song "Itsy
Bitsy Spider" to pass the time.
You are the spider because
everyone hates you
and you are itsy bitsy.
You are! And you're mean! I'm not going.
Go ahead. Jump out of the car.
Your lungs will explode.
I'll enjoy washing your
guts off the side of the car.
- Turn around, stupid!
- What are you doing? Let go!
You've suffered fairly
significant head trauma.
Are you experiencing any
issues with memory loss?
You were pretty dazed
when they brought you in here.
They said they found you
walking down the road naked.
Do you remember anything?
Do you know who you are?
I'm an alien.
I'm here to kill everyone.
They have Max.
The military, the mercenaries,
whatever the hell they were.
They must have taken
him out of the warehouse.
- You don't know that.
- I looked everywhere.
Two hours. Inside, outside.
I mean, Max is gone.
What the hell am I gonna
tell his parents?
Try this. "Your kid is gone.
There was an alien involved."
Oh.
I can't do it.
Well, you can't run from this.
I'll be with you every step of the way.
Okay.
Thanks for coming with me.
Hell, no. I'm not going.
I gotta cook eggs.
- Hi, Ben.
- Asta, come on in.
You're just in time for
my famous "Bencakes."
- Pancakes with a secret twist.
- Okay.
The secret ingredient is brown sugar.
Max.
Family secret ruined.
Asta, hi. Everything okay?
Yes, of course.
I just wanted to check
on Max and you both.
I heard there was a break-in last night.
Well, I wanted to know what happened.
Oh, you mean the attempted
kidnapping we thwarted?
Had to rough up some
perps, but no B-I-G.
Yeah, the police were here all night
trying to collect evidence,
fingerprints, stuff like that.
Wow.
Asta
you ever looked down
the barrel of death?
Stare the devil in the face?
Dad, the blueberries are burning.
Dang it!
Poor Max.
Looks like he hasn't slept a wink.
That is accurate.
Well, I should go.
I'm just glad you're safe.
Is that blood?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, there was there
was blood all over us.
- We're safe now.
- Yeah, thanks to you.
Mm-mm. Thanks to you.
- You saved me, Daddy.
- Our little baby needs saving.
Our little baby needs to be saved.
- Oh, baby.
- Yeah, I do.
- Are you okay? Are you scared?
- I'm so scared. So upset.
- Are you upset?
- Well, I should just
Yeah, I'll walk her out.
What the hell happened to you?
Meet me at the baseball
field in 20 minutes.
Okay.
See, this is why I keep
a fishing rod in the truck.
Plus, you put a french fry on the end,
you can freak the hell
out of some pigeons.
Sir, I don't think
Dr. Vanderspeigle would want
you fishing off his deck.
Trying to get into the mind
of a potential serial killer.
Sick bastard.
He probably sat here
fishing just like this.
Doorknob is a match, which
means the original French doors
ended up in the lake.
These ones are replacements.
Okay, so what we got here?
We got we got a severed foot.
We got the boot that held the foot
That lets us know it's not just
some simple swimming accident.
And then somehow, these doors here,
they end up in the lake.
- What if there was a struggle?
- Oh, yeah.
See, I love how your mind works, Deputy.
You're like a true crime podcast.
- Go ahead. Pod me.
- All right.
What if they fought inside and
then Harry threw dead foot guy
through the French doors
and he lands around here.
Yeah, no, I see where you're going.
And then and then Dr. V,
he comes out like this.
Grab you like that, and
I throw you in the lake.
You can't. I'm holding your arms.
What if I got an extra set
of arms I use to choke you out?
Like an accomplice?
No, like I was in a radiation
accident when I was five,
so my father was a scientist
in the lab and then I snuck in
and then I grew a second pair
of arms and I fight crime.
Huh.
Think we should wait for
the doctor to come home
to talk to him?
No, we don't wanna spook him.
We need to do a deep dive on him first.
We gotta get inside his head,
find out what makes this man tick.
We can't half-ass this one.
Stakes are way too high.
You know what? Maybe I'd
be better with six arms.
That's better than four.
Hell, I can cut my shower
in half if I had six arms.
I'd get my nuts and my butt and my pits,
still have two arms left.
It's a great day to be alive.
When we crashed, I blacked out.
I woke up right here.
Watch this.
- Is that the ship?
- It's invisible.
Cool, right?
Yeah, cool.
Where do you think Harry went?
Not home.
Not without his ship, anyway.
You know, when he left,
I thought I was done with all this shit.
- Sorry.
- It's okay.
I like that word.
I don't know where the hell he is,
but we gotta find him before
someone finds this thing.
That's his blood. He's hurt.
I gotta go. Don't let
anyone near the ship.
My planet is in your
constellation Ursa Major,
which you call the Great Bear.
It is one of three planets
that orbits our sun.
And your planet, the planet Earth,
is in one of our constellations.
It it looks like a giant human
boob and your sun is the nipple.
Well, this is very interesting.
What's the name of your planet?
Sounds familiar.
Think my uncle lived there.
He could never live on my planet.
His carbon isotope ratio
is less than half
the planet's pole magnetism.
She's so stupid.
Who else thinks that she is so stupid?
- Let's go this way.
- Mm-hmm.
Cousin, I will save you!
The younger ones are the most dangerous.
- Sir!
- What have you done?
You have stuffed him.
You bastard!
- Someone get a sedative.
- Yes, Doctor.
Don't touch me. Leave me alone!
I'm a superior being!
Nurse, where's that sedative?
Dr. Ethan's late.
I'm sure he'll be here soon.
I heard he hooked up with D'arcy.
Jealous?
I'm busy, Ellen.
I can do without the gossip, okay?
Then I guess you
don't wanna know about
D'arcy crushing Jimmy's truck.
What?
I heard D'arcy and
Jay cut Jimmy's brakes.
Jay threatened to kill him
if he ever went near you.
Psycho.
Hello?
Hey, Asta. It's Cindy over in Braddock.
We had a guy come in who
matches your description.
Thank God. Is he okay?
He's had a head injury.
Thinks he's an alien.
An alien? Um, wow.
Yeah, yeah. That's a head injury.
I will be right there, okay? Thank you.
For humans,
memory is a big part of
who they believe they are.
If a human's brain is damaged
and that memory is affected
so is their perception of self.
I got news for you, Cosette.
I've got news for you, Cosette.
I got news for you, Cosette.
With a brain that delicate,
they should wear helmets.
- Where am I?
- You hit your head.
Oh, God, I'm so glad you're okay.
I'm glad you are here.
Hey.
I thought Johnny got to you.
You're lucky to be alive.
Harry, are you okay?
Who's Harry?
I'm Detective Lennie Briscoe.
Um, who's Lennie Briscoe?
Wait, who do you think I am?
You're my informant,
Cosette the hooker.
And from the look of you,
you've been working all night.
Mrs. Morin, beautiful day, is it not?
Hello, Mr. Souza.
Hello, Mayor. Heard you
had some visitors last night.
Well done.
Just a couple of bad
guys came for a visit.
Had to serve them up
a little pound cake.
Be well.
Deputy, why are you in my office?
Oh, Fred used my phone right
after he had an Italian grinder
and I think I may need
to throw it out now.
That was the Taos County
Sheriff Department.
Looks like they found
Dr. Vanderspeigle's truck
in an abandoned warehouse there.
Really?
Taos County. That's in New Mexico.
Interesting.
All right, reach out to
him, have him pick it up,
and then make a note of it in our file.
Yes, sir. Thanks for the coffee.
Actually, they're both for me.
Sir.
And you weren't joking.
Both for you. Everything okay?
Everything's fine, Deputy.
We got a lot of work to do.
Please, please, please. Stop clapping.
I'm I'm no hero.
Okay, that was quick.
We have a little situation here.
Why is my "Welcome to Patience" sign
in pieces all over my office?
Jimmy Foster's emergency
brake failed over on Wilcox.
His pickup took the sign out.
Street crew didn't
know what to do with it,
so I told him to file it
under your problem, not mine.
We gonna have a problem here, Sheriff?
What the hell is that on your foot?
Oh, I think the street term
for them is, uh, shitkickers.
Oh, okay.
Let's see what they're called after
I Sharpie a tiny dick on the toe.
I am putting my foot on the ground,
but not because you are threatening me.
That leg position happens to
be aggravating my sciatica.
Field's closed!
No, it's not.
You heard him. Field's closed.
There's an underground sewage leak.
Crew's on the way.
It doesn't look like a sewage leak.
It doesn't look like
you understand what the word
underground means either.
Go ahead.
Walk across the field and
breathe the sewage particulates
into your lungs.
By day two of the infection,
your colon blocks off
and poop comes out of your eyes.
It's called eye-arrhea.
Yeah, I told you.
Is that true?
I don't wanna breathe poop particles.
No, I made it up.
I'm quick on my feet,
which will be great when
I'm the first person on Mars.
Not first woman, first person.
- Now where is it?
- Sahar!
I'm okay. I'm okay.
It's not uncommon with
head injuries like his.
He needs rest.
He will likely regain
his memory again soon.
Mainly just needs somebody
to keep an eye on him.
Okay, thanks.
I will definitely keep my eye
Oh, no.
Max, time for lunch.
Max?
Normal.
Why are you doing this? I'm not sick.
You've been to outer space,
which makes you my Guinea pig.
I need to know the
effect of space flight
on the human body before I go to Mars.
Have you experienced any dizzy spells?
No.
- Rapid aging?
- No.
Increased intellectual capability?
What?
That's a no.
Max!
Uh-oh, we got a bogey.
Buddy, what are you doing?
You can't just leave
the house like that.
Your mother is worried sick, all right?
Let's let's go.
What are you waiting
for? Let's go. Come on.
We're meeting your mom at the town hall.
Come on. Let's go.
Okay. Yeah, let's let's go.
- Sahar, do you need a ride?
- Yes, please.
Get your bikes. Meet me at the car.
All right, drop your bags!
Hats and gloves!
- Let's get out there warming up!
- Oh, no.
Out!
Yes! Way to go, D'arce!
Why are the cute
ones always the slowest?
Did we win?
Hey, hey, hey. Nice play, skank.
First time you didn't let
a guy get to home base.
Oh, you know what?
You should try out for the team
'cause your nickname
is already ball girl.
And Judy Doodie,
Pooper Cooper, Sack Lunch.
Hold up.
What'd you do to your hair? Is that new?
Oh, nothing.
I mean, I've just had
Had this for a long time.
Oh, my God.
Is it, like, the same as yours?
- They're the same.
- That's so weird.
- So weird.
- What?
Anyway, is this for me?
- Thank you.
- Now it is.
The female assailant's eyes,
were they close together or apart?
Mm. Far apart, I I think.
I wasn't paying a
A whole lot of attention
the night they came over for dinner.
There was a fish incident.
And then during the fight,
I didn't really get a good look
either as I was you know,
I was really hitting
her mostly from behind.
Oh, hell yeah, you were.
He was amazing.
You should have seen him.
It was so hot.
You know how it is
when your man just
takes care of business.
Yeah, my man takes care
of a lot of business so often,
like, all of the time.
The female assailant's nose was it
- Thin?
- Uh
Yeah, she she had kind of, like,
- a Disney princess nose.
- Mm-hmm.
And she she turned
her head once, you know,
as I was, uh, pounding her.
- Pounding her.
- And they kept trying to get up
and we just we just kept on hitting.
- Hitting.
- And hitting.
And hitting and hitting and hitting.
And hitting and and
then and then she did.
She she turned her head at the end.
- Blood everywhere.
- And yeah, thin.
Can I have a glass of water?
I think that would be a great idea.
Okay, I am so turned on right now
I just wanna rip your clothes off.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Ew. Here you go.
Thank you.
Okey-doke.
Let's, um, talk about her lips.
Oh, Jesus.
Go ahead. They're not looking.
We've been compromised.
What? What do you mean?
What does that mean?
Operation "Guard the Ship" is in peril.
Max's dad pulled us off the field.
There's a baseball game tonight.
Oh, no. Okay.
I'll be there as soon as I can.
Excuse me, sir. Have you seen my
Jesus.
Cosette, I thought Johnny got to you.
He has a long memory and a short temper.
Well, I've been
ignoring Johnny's calls.
You know, if you are going to be my CI,
you're going to have
to start spilling.
I pay you a good money to rat.
Cough up some cheese.
I know someone who stole a suit.
I need something big.
If you can't help with that,
then make yourself useful.
Go get me a street dog
with relish and and onions.
There's been a murder.
Murder, you say?
Now you are speaking my language.
So tell me about this guy
who died, Harry Venderspundle.
Close.
Um, I don't know.
He was he was a friend.
You were schtupping him.
No, I wasn't schtupping him.
He was annoying, untrustworthy,
thinks he knows everything.
Kind of did, actually.
He also knew nothing.
He was like a child.
Schtupping a child is a class A felony.
Do I need to call Benson and Stabler?
I Didn't look.
I used to come in here a lot with Harry
and he loved those
noodles that you're eating.
Do they do they
remind you of anything?
Yeah.
I was working a homicide
case at Tony's on Greenwich.
Do you know the place?
Johnny Sourdough died face
first in noodles like this.
One in the brain, two on the balls.
Shooter had daddy issues.
Stop it. You are not a detective.
Please try and remember, okay?
You
You are an alien.
Cosette, I see you're back on the smack.
My name is Asta.
Help me out, man.
- Who keeps yelling?
- That'll be me.
- Who said that?
- Yeah, you dumb shit.
That stupid soup make
your ears stop working?
Do I know you?
Wow, what is going on in your brain?
All I see in there is
hookers and red meat.
Let me clean that up for you.
What are you doing?
Asta?
Harry.
Harry. Oh, thank God.
- God gets the credit? Great.
- Is that
Hello there, human idiot.
Did that octopus just call me an idiot?
My ship. My ship.
I don't usually talk to you guys, but
- my friend here needs a little help.
- Harry!
Whoa, whoa! Tell him to break me out!
I'm Monday chef's special!
- You got this!
- You got this, D'arce!
Go, D'arcy!
Strike!
What?
- Hell is he doing?
- Come on!
The ball is lost. The game is over.
What the hell, man?
He fainted.
Not enough players. Go home.
Dude, get away from me.
- Harry, get off the field!
- C'mon on, Harry!
C'mon, let's get you off the field.
All right, gotta replay that! Let's go!
- The heck?
- Whoa, whoa!
Ball's still live!
You can't see it, that's your issue!
I could have done that.
It's damaged.
How do you know? You can't even see it.
Oh, shit!
Well, now you can.
Now everybody can. Great.
Come on.
What's this? Man, what you doing?
I told you I'll just
eat dinner here tonight.
You don't eat to eat
alone. I know what today is.
Dad, you you didn't have to do this.
Today is is it's
just a regular day.
Buy him a coffee this morning?
Yeah, Dad, I bought him a coffee.
That's nice.
Closest thing to a show of
affection anyone gets from you.
He died six years ago.
Can't run away from it forever.
Thanks, Dad.
I can get it to fly.
From here? Harry, someone will see it.
No, no. It is too dark.
We're safe.
Oh, shit.
Shit, shit, shit!
Goodbye, Asta.
This is is some bullshit.
It won't fly.
I can fix it.
Oh, God.
You're gonna burn me?
Ah, we got a lot on the bed.
Dispatch, you got any
info on this power situation?
Under arrest.
Oh, easy, girl.
That's what you get for robbing a bank.
We're running.
Oh, God.
You know, this shit's getting weird.
I just need some water.
Harry, you can't fix it.
I have to. If I do not, I am stuck here.
- Oh, this is really bad.
- My people.
Harry, you are running
out of time, okay?
You cannot fix it. You
have to do something.
You can't fix it because
if someone sees this,
then things will get
worse for you, okay?
Okay.
Okay.
Step back.
Oh, okay. Is it gonna blow up?
No.
What is that?
A survival kit.
For what? So you can blend
with people on the planet?
No, so we can live long
enough to kill everyone.
Excuse me?
But I will just do the first thing.
The blending.
When I arrived on this planet,
things were simpler.
I was an alien
and only focused on
what was in front of me.
It took me two weeks to get to Patience.
On the way, I met a dog
who taught me the rules
about survival on Earth.
Simple hygiene
power dynamics
Humans do not look forward.
They have memories that
force them to look backwards.
The alien in me only
failed my mission once,
but the human in me
has relived that
failure a thousand times.
Why would I think about
it if it's painful?
Maybe humans like pain
as much as they like pie.
Mm.
Looks like your leg
grew back pretty good.
So you're an alien?
Yes.
And you are Native American.
I am Nuche.
What is Nuche?
It means "The People."
So I should call you Nuche?
You can call me Dan.
My name is difficult
for humans to pronounce,
but you can call me
It is a nickname.
Huh.
I'll just call you Harry.
Okay, Dan.
Harry!
What is a skin rat
doing here eating my cereal?
Harry, you're alive!
I did not consent to this touching.
I thought you were
dead. So glad you're okay!
Can you go to the store
and buy yourself
What are those, little trampolines?
- Cool.
- Yes, then take it
to the ceiling fan
store just down the road.
Turn on the overhead ceiling fans
and trampoline into them
so that your head chops off.
That's rude. Why are you being mean?
Because you are the reason
I am stuck here.
Do you want to see what
my spaceship looks like, hmm?
This this is what is left!
I had the coolest whip in town
and now, I have a box of alien balls.
If it wasn't for you,
I would be on my planet right now
eating delicious tree skin.
It's like pork rinds,
but it doesn't make you vomit.
You can pretend you don't like me,
but I know you do.
You saved my life in the ship.
- I did not.
- Yes, you did!
You protected me during the crash!
Like like you are my dad.
How dare you. You take that back.
- You wanna be my father.
- I am your father?
Okay, I'll be your father,
and you are a bad boy.
- What?
- Yes.
This hurts me as much as it hurts you.
This is so inappropriate.
You are inappropriate.
This is why we can't have nice things!
You can say whatever you want,
but you can't take back what happened.
You saved me because you love me.
I don't even remember the crash.
You know why?
Because you are meaningless
to me, you stupid, little jerk.
I know you are, but what am I?
I no, I did not say that I am a jerk.
I said that you are a jerk.
I know you are, but what am I?
You are not hearing me correctly.
The pronoun is you, not I.
I know you are, but what am I?
I'm going into that room over there.
When I come out, you better be gone,
you dumb, little, shit pocket.
That makes no sense.
Yes, it does.
If you put shit in your pocket.
Memories define who these humans are.
And if the memories become too painful
or reveal a side of
themselves they don't like,
their brains tuck those memories away.
I am so happy I am not human.
Beep, beep.
Yes.
It must be summer if you're
bringing out the beast.
"Asta, I'm a beast for you.
I miss your butt ass,
so come on, sit on me."
Get in here. Come on.
You always know when
I need something like this.
You know Ethan hasn't come
into work for two days?
I had to cover everything.
Ethan.
Ethan? Ethan, Ethan, Ethan.
I can't quite place
Who is that again?
You know. You remember the doctor?
- Yeah, I don't
- Oh, let me help you.
He worked for Médecins sans frontières.
Mm?
Mm.
Yeah, you hooked up with him
and thought I didn't know.
- That Ethan.
- Yes.
That's right.
Well, I guess we both know
each other's secrets now.
Jay told me.
Oh,
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Jay.
Don't be.
I should have known, first of all.
You guys are pretty much identical.
Like, duh.
Well, you guys have a lot in common.
I heard you two had an
adventure the other night.
- Right.
- Uh-huh.
You remember when Mrs. Pinkham
assigned us "Beowulf" in school?
Yeah.
Yeah, and Molly Swenson
called me a bitch,
so you dumped your food tray
on her and called her Grendel.
- Oh, that was awesome.
- Yeah, epic.
So, like, Jimmy's the new Grendel.
Sometimes you gotta slay a monster
for your best friend.
- Come here.
- Aw, man.
That's like the most romantic thing
anyone's ever said to me.
- That can't be true.
- That's so true.
Harry?
Harry!
What are you doing?
I thought you were drowning!
I was thinking.
Can't an alien think underwater
without being disturbed?
You have gills?
You lungers.
You are very judgmental. Mm.
You might have a concussion.
I wanted to make sure you were okay,
but I found you face down in the water,
which I guess is normal for you, so
cool.
We started as water beings.
I guess that explains
the weird, talking octopus.
All octopuses can talk.
They just don't like talking to humans.
Number 42 only talked to
you because you are with me.
- His name is number 42?
- On the menu.
Octopus in black bean sauce. Number 42.
And you wonder why they
aren't speaking to humans.
Octopuses are our descendants.
They are the closest thing
to my people on Earth.
I miss my people.
I should not be here.
- I am not Nuche.
- Mm.
You've been talking to my dad?
My family is very far away.
You know, on Earth,
you don't really have to
be related to be family.
In fact, you don't have
to be like them at all.
Then how are they family?
Sometimes family is just
the people in your life that you love,
that you'd do anything for.
Dan is family, D'arcy is family too.
I kissed D'arcy.
Yeah, she mentioned that.
Her eyelid tasted like a potato chip.
You know, kissing
doesn't normally include
tasting someone's eyelid.
I know this is hard for you.
It's a bad feeling to be stuck anywhere,
especially somewhere you hate.
Like you were with Jimmy.
Yeah, I try not to think about that.
It helps, though, to
surround yourself in nature,
people you care about.
They take away the bad feelings.
Human memory is very powerful.
It is more than just
knowledge of what has been.
It contains feelings of that moment.
Memories connect humans
even when they are apart,
memories of someone you've lost.
Is that coffee for me?
That coffee is for you.
This is for you, too.
Let's get to work.
Memories of traumatic
experiences can take you back
to the event days or weeks,
even years after it happened.
Max? Max, I'm coming!
Honey, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- What happened?
I thought I saw a mouse,
but it was just a sock.
Oh, buddy.
- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, he's fine.
I'm just still so freaked
out after what happened.
Why are you wearing that?
Daddy's just playing a little dress-up.
Go and get some sleep, okay, champ?
Honey?
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
- See you in the morning, bud.
- Goodnight.
Oh, goodnight.
But memories can also connect people
and remind them of better times.
Ethan?
You here?
Heard you blew off work.
What the hell?
Dude, it's about time you came back.
The chef here is a sicko.
Last night, I swear he fed me octopus.
Are we family?
Um, yeah, I guess so.
I mean, I'm not, like,
I'll help you move family,
but more, like, I'll see
you at the reunion and say,
"Well, you got fat" family.
I am afraid I am becoming too human.
I need family to remind me who I am.
Well, in that case, break me out of here
and we can be roomies, but
you have to do it quick.
Your people will be here soon.
- What do you mean?
- Oh, didn't you know?
Pretty obvious you didn't
complete your mission.
They'll just send someone
else to kill everyone for you.
Everyone? Including Asta?
Uh, yeah, Asta? Is the human?
Yes, she's a human, so yes.
This cannot happen.
I should not care about saving Asta.
She is human.
I know she is, but what am I?
Run, you elegant bastard, run!