Scrubs (2026) s02e01 Episode Script

1
[J.D.] I haven't had sex since my divorce,
and I'm pleased to report,
I still like it.
[kisses, exhales]
[both sigh]
That was an amazing night.
You screamed a lot.
I was just so proud of us,
and I've always been a loud lover.
Runs in my family.
My dad was a screamer.
I don't mean to kink shame, but why were
you grabbing your own butt so much?
Oh, full disclosure, I was having
some real bad cramps back there,
but maybe next time our foreplay
could include a little light stretching.
- Oh, you nasty.
- [chuckles]
I'm gonna make you some coffee.
I know just how you like it.
Flat, white.
- [chuckles]
- [yelps]
["Runnin' Down a Dream" playing]
[engine revs]
It was a beautiful day ♪
- The sun beat down ♪
- [car horn blaring]
I had the radio on, I was drivin' ♪
- [horn honks]
- [driver] Jackass!
Trees went by ♪
Me and Del were singing ♪
"Little Runaway," I was flyin' ♪
Yeah, runnin' down a dream ♪
Good morning, everyone.
What a beautiful day to be alive!
[gasps]
As I was saying,
that bus was going pretty fast,
and I am so sorry for your loss.
All right, team, our next patient
tested positive for "tapping dat ass."
It happened. I had sex.
- Time of smash?
- 11:30 p.m., again at 7 a.m.
And there was a little sleepy rubbing
somewhere in the vicinity of 2:00.
Twice and a sleepy rub? My man.
I gotta get back.
I think I can convince her
to do it with me one last time.
- Hey, pre-five?
- It would save me a trip.
["Superman" playing]
I can't do this all on my own ♪
No, I know I'm no Superman ♪
I'm no Superman ♪
- What floor?
- Three, please.
That's also the number of times
I had sex last night.
[all cheering]
Yeah, J.D.!
Uh, three, please,
but not for any sexual reason.
- Dude.
- [J.D.] What?
Charlie is amazing.
I honestly think
I'm starting to fall for her.
- Please say you didn't tell her that.
- Of course not.
I hired Joey Fatone on Cameo
to tell her that. Check it.
Hey, what's up, Charlie? Joey Fatone.
I heard that you and J.D.
are "NSYNC." [chuckles]
[cackles]
Dude, you always do this with women.
You catch feelings
and then you go way too big.
Not always. And I know, I know,
I should have sprung for Justin,
but I can't afford Justin
because, spoiler, I got you Lance
for our manniversary.
- We said no gifts.
- Nobody ever means that.
[J.D.] I wasn't the only one
feeling the warm and fuzzies.
Something was in the air.
- Wait, guys, I love fall.
- Mm-hmm.
We get a month,
your people get a whole season.
- Your people?
- Basic white bitches.
- Mm-hmm.
- [imitate explosion]
Why does every leaf I cut
look like a penis?
I'll admit it, I love pumpkin spice
and yelling, "Sweater weather!"
- Sweater weather!
- [gasps]
- Oh, my God, they're everywhere.
- Everywhere.
[Sam] You guys, fall is the time
for rebranding yourself.
In middle school,
I changed my name to Raven.
In high school,
I dabbled in radical environmentalism.
In college, above-the-belt lesbian.
[scoffs] If you only touching blouse,
get out my house.
I feel like I've overshared a little bit
now, which is so Old Tosh of me,
and I'm not her anymore.
New Tosh is locked in
and decisive. [snickers]
Yeah, wait, no. Wait, yes, decisive.
Well, I am the same old Asher
but more distinguished.
- You look like a pirate.
- Arr! [giggles]
Sweater weather! [chuckles]
Oh, no. Did I miss it?
I was firing someone. [chuckles softly]
Anyway, rumor has it
that there's a new couple in our midst.
Whoever you are,
don't be afraid to come forward.
We celebrate love here.
As long as it's formally disclosed
and you both sign this
consensual-relationship agreement form.
And remember,
snitches get gift certificates.
[cackles]
If it's P.F. Chang's,
I'm turning y'all in.
[J.D.] I didn't love that Dr. Cox was
back here due to his autoimmune illness,
but I did love that he was forced
to spend time with me.
Judging by that delicate flush
you've got going,
I'm guessing some
young woman got unlucky last night.
[chuckles] You know,
they say it's like riding a bike,
but I've never worried if a bike enjoyed
itself enough to let me ride it again.
Thank you for ruining bikes and sex
in one horrific sentence.
Please proceed.
Okay, let's see, your myalgias and cough
are gone, and the neuritis is better.
I did that with willpower.
Ah, but your GFRs are so low.
Is this part of your grand plan
to get my kidneys to fail
so you can go ahead
and give me one of yours?
Kidney, lung or testicle.
If I've got an extra, your name is on it.
Leave before I rip one of those
out of your body.
Okay, bye-bye.
[groans]
[J.D.] When your mentor
is also your patient, you take no chances.
I need to assemble a team
like the one I admired as a kid.
It's doctoring time.
- Chief of medicine.
- Chief of surgery.
Not chief of anything, but strong
female doctor who's achieved a lot.
Legendary nurse.
Harmless pervert. Hi-yah!
Todd, did you cut the ass
out of your costume?
Yeah, I'm going out tonight.
[all] Sacred Heart!
My first instinct was it's just
a side effect from the antibiotic.
But look at Cox's numbers. If you're
missing an infection, he could get septic.
- But if it's a disease flare
- That could lead to renal failure.
I'm stopping the infusions
until we figure this out.
- So do we have to rerun all the tests?
- Yes, stat.
Ooh, look,
we're doing that cool hospital thing
where we talk real fast
while we're walking.
- [chuckles]
- Surprise!
- Is it a good surprise?
- Sadly, no.
You told me that Perry's treatment
was working,
and it turns out that wasn't true.
Relax, Jordan. We have a plan.
You still work here?
I thought for sure you'd be selling
commercial real estate in Tucson
while a Jacuzzi salesman
had his third heart attack on top of you.
[Dubois over PA] Damn.
Also paging Dr. Beckett
to Labor and Delivery.
You know this is probably
my frustration talking,
but I like when my frustration talks.
You Temu docs have 24 hours
to figure out what's going on with Perry,
or I am moving him to a better hospital,
which, at this point,
includes the kill shelter next door.
Twenty-four hours?
It's gonna take a lot longer
to push all those tests through.
Then we split up
and each take a different department.
Guys, it'll look way cooler
if we all do it at the same time.
Oh, Dr. Reid. You got time for a quickie?
A medical quickie.
[retches] Uh, what?
I'm not thinking about sex.
Um, anyway, my patient, Mr. Talbot,
is recovering from a bladder infection,
but he also needs steroids.
I'm worried it could make his infection
flare and he could become septic,
and at his age, he could die.
Look, Tosh, it's not an easy call,
but steroids might be worth the risk.
I trust you. You'll figure it out.
"You'll figure it out,"
just like my dad said when I got my first
period and my mom was out of town. Great!
- Who you talking to, New Tosh?
- Yeah, you look kind of crazy.
Sorry, I just mean,
you seem to still be doing the weird stuff
that people didn't like before.
- Amara, hand.
- What?
It's our new system.
Oh, I cannot see Sibby right now.
You two, you live together, right?
Are you roommates roommates?
Or roommates like my aunts are roommates?
Oh, no, she's not my type.
- Amara. Hand!
- Sorry.
Okay, well,
couple's around here somewhere.
I'm gonna find them in plain sight.
Thank you.
You're really not gonna sign Sibby's form?
I don't want to be seen
as one half of "Tosher" or "TikTok Doc."
I want to prove myself
as a serious doctor.
Sorry, so sorry.
New Tosh.
[J.D.] For the rest of us,
it was time to get to work.
I know neurology is very busy, so thank
you for fast-tracking Dr. Cox's MRI.
[J.D.] Some of us had to put
our other problems aside.
Close the door.
Ugh, now I'll have to wait
for my transitions to go back.
I'm sorry, my old boss's wife is here, and
she unravels me in a very specific way.
Actually reminds me a lot of my mom.
She used to say things like,
"It's funny, we have the same bra size,
- but your back is way bigger."
- Is it?
Look, I just need you to move
Perry Cox's scans up your list, okay?
[J.D.] But, man, Dr. Cox's case
was weighing on me.
Luckily there was one thing
that got my mind off it.
What if I took Charlie on a road trip,
just one night only,
to see the house she was born in?
What did I tell you? You're being extra.
Fine.
What's the last romantic thing
you did for Carla?
Who remembers?
I know we got nice cars,
two dishwashers and a gazebo though.
J.D., a gazebo.
Plus, I keep it tight.
Not a lot of guys do that.
Check out this ass.
This thing failed sixth grade science
'cause it has no idea what gravity is.
No one is arguing you're not a caked up
ebony god. You're like Black Zeus.
Zeus was Black. Just like Santa and Jesus.
But Carla's a goddess.
And goddesses sometimes need
- [phone chimes]
- Ooh!
"A professional-level fireworks bonanza,
partially insured."
No fireworks. You're gonna ruin this.
And I know you're looking at it.
- It's mesmerizing.
- Whoo!
Look what I got you.
That special juice only the new mommies
in the maternity ward get.
You got the good ice too.
Wait a minute.
The patronizing voice, the fun treat.
Why are you getting
all nurse on me, Carla?
I'm not like one of your scared patients.
I know. You're a doctor. And you know
exactly how much it's going to suck
to go through the battery of tests
we have lined up.
Well, tell you what, as long
as there's no kidney biopsy on your list,
you can go ahead and tear into me
like coyotes on a house cat.
You're in luck.
No biopsy.
- Okay.
- Okay, let's get going.
[machine beeping]
[rhythmic monitor and heartbeat]
- [machine beeps]
- [pads rip off]
[rhythmic tempo increases]
[beat ends]
Hey, Mr. Talbot's family is asking if
you've made the decision on his treatment.
- Steroids, yes or no?
- I just need ten more minutes.
Girl, I am not the damn snooze button.
Tell them yourself.
[singsongy] Wakey-wakey! Pill to take-y.
[shushes] He just fell asleep. What pill?
- Zopitan.
- Mmm.
You woke me up from a dead sleep
to give me a sleeping pill.
But it's take-y time.
Oh, for the love of God.
I'll take care of this, boo.
Um, gang, raise your hand if you don't
want me to kick you in the crotch.
- I just tucked.
- How?
I'll teach you later.
Perry needs his rest.
No one else goes in his room, or else
I am gonna go full Messi on your junk.
- Is he on sports?
- Mm-hmm.
Stripes.
They're just doing their jobs.
[J.D.] Mistake.
- [screeching]
- [fire blazes]
- Hmm.
- [hair crackling]
[sighs]
Thank God she just got Elliot.
I couldn't stand to lose you.
Hey, are you two the new couple?
You don't have the form for what we are.
[phone chimes]
Damn it.
I know you don't want to hear this,
but the nephrologist texted.
You're gonna need that kidney biopsy.
No, absolutely not.
Because unlike your new gal,
I'm not going to just lie here,
let you do whatever you want,
pretend to like it,
then whisper, "Let's do it again and watch
you pray to whatever God you believe in
to get lightning to strike twice."
Perry, you know
I don't want to put you through this,
but if I'm missing something,
I will never forgive myself.
Carla will be by soon
to come get you, okay?
[J.D.] I hated putting
Dr. Cox through this,
but around here, we look after each other.
Are you all right?
- I don't know what to do.
- About Sibby's form?
Well, here's how I see it.
You think it'd be punk rock
not to sign the forms, right?
But you know what the man
wouldn't see coming?
We sign those forms. [imitates drum fill]
We're blowing holes in their expectations.
We will sign on the X
and initial where necessary.
Big up, monogamy.
That's gotta be offensive to someone.
I just don't know who.
I'm talking about my patient.
Out of our entire intern class, I'm
the only one who almost killed someone.
Now I can't make one decision.
If you want me to kill someone
so you don't feel so alone, I'll do it.
Stop trying to make me feel better.
Babe, you think I do
nice things for you, right?
How many times do I have
to thank you for that gazebo?
What the hell are you
even supposed to do in a gazebo?
- I don't know. I thought you knew.
- [scoffs]
Oh, yeah, Perry's gone.
Not answering texts.
Okay, Jordan. I'll take care of it.
What a relief.
I'm a little tired.
Is my sarcasm coming through?
- Yeah, loud and clear.
- You know what though?
This is actually my mistake
for thinking we could count on you.
I'll go find him.
[Turk] I'll go with you.
[scoffs] You know what, Jordan?
This whole acid-tongued, ball-busting
devil woman thing's getting really tired.
I'm not afraid of you anymore,
because there's nothing scary
about someone who torments people
who are just trying to do their jobs.
So if you want to find someone to blame
for Perry not getting better,
start with yourself.
Stay out of our way and let us help him.
[sighs]
Oh, my God. I did it. So much adrenaline.
I'm like one of those moms
whose kid is stuck under a car.
Um, I destroyed her.
Did you just see that?
I couldn't look away.
[J.D.] In a hospital,
things can flip in an instant.
I'd lost all my confidence
when Dr. Cox took off,
and Elliot had found hers.
Carla, I am still buzzing
from verbally bitch-slapping Jordan.
And I just told Mecko to move Cox
to the top of his MRI list,
or I'm gonna stick my finger toe
so far up his pooper
he's gonna have to X-ray
his own stomach to see it.
I feel sassy.
Oh, I feel spicy.
I think I can finally even roll my R's
like a Latina.
Elliot! You were warned about doing that
when you were overserved
at my niece's quinceañera.
Because then Ramon kept serving me rum.
I know you feel good
about standing up to Jordan.
But remember she's not just Jordan.
She's also a sick patient's
very scared wife.
She's been mean to us our entire careers,
and now just because her husband
has a horrible illness
and I yelled at her at her darkest hour
Okay, I hear it. And now I'm gonna cry.
- [sighs, whimpers]
- Okay, don't cry. I got you.
Wish you could swipe right past
this day there, TikTok Doc.
Oh, great. It's you.
When do I get to the part
where I feel like I know what I'm doing?
- Never.
- Never?
Look at right now.
The three best, most experienced doctors
in this whole place
have tried
and failed over and over to help me.
They feel exactly as terrible as you do.
'Cause, you see, this whole self-doubt,
if you are any good at this job,
it never goes away.
So you can either let that drive you
to be a better doctor
or you can let it drive you
right the hell out of this place.
That's really the only decision
you have to make.
Wow, that's the first piece of real advice
you've ever given me.
You're welcome.
Go ahead and have yourself
a terrific career there, Tiger.
- He's in here.
- Oh, come on.
I am so sorry about the way
that I talked to you.
Why? It's the first time
I've ever respected you.
Fair.
Would it help if I sat over there
and let you hurl insults at me?
It would.
Should we start with hair or body?
Uh [stammers]
- Body.
- Trick question. We're gonna do both.
Even though it's blonde,
I can see your mustache.
Received, and thank you.
You promised you wouldn't get
all Dr. Cox on us.
Dr. Cox, huh?
Would he be hiding away
with his keister exposed
on what has to be the most synthetic
and unholy of upholstery?
Carla, I barely even know
who that guy is anymore.
This is hard.
I have to do what's best for him.
Look, Jordan. I can't tell you
not to take Dr. Cox somewhere else.
But when you make a decision out of fear,
it's usually the wrong one.
No one is going to care about Perry
more than Turk and J.D. and I do.
Look.
And I would never want Perry to know this.
But I love him very much.
- And if anything were to happen, I--
- It won't.
You promise?
We got this.
I was the chief of medicine.
Nothing happened in this place
unless I gave it the go-ahead.
Nothing.
And now
people tell me when to eat
when to pee,
when to sleep.
Nurses follow me into the bathroom,
and not in the fun way
like back in the '80s.
I have no privacy, no control.
The whole thing is so--
- Dehumanizing?
- Yes.
Yes, this sucks.
It's something doctors don't even
understand until they're in that gown.
And that's why I had
to treat you like a patient.
It wasn't to be demeaning.
It's just
I know how to get a patient through this.
If you let me.
I thought I had this all figured out
with those infusions.
What am I getting wrong?
Bud, I'm just a caveman surgeon.
I don't make medical diagnoses.
But I can diagnose you.
When you care too much, you do too much.
What's the thing you would do
if you just trusted your instincts?
You don't need all those tests, okay?
I'm going back to my first instinct
in keeping you on the treatment.
I'll just switch out
the prophylactic antibiotic
that your kidney was responding poorly to.
I'm thrilled you could use my body
to get your groove back on there, Stella.
Now, listen carefully.
I have no objectivity about any of this.
I am a patient now.
So I need you to trust yourself,
because I trust you.
Perry, that means so much to me.
Not finished.
I trust you because I taught you
everything that I know.
So really I'm just trusting myself,
and you trusting you
is actually you trusting me.
Oh, my God.
It's kind of like
you shuffled our brains together
like a deck of man cards.
Why couldn't you have taught him
not to say crap like that?
Well, you can't hit kids anymore.
So it's very hard to teach.
Oh, how beautiful!
I've been stuck in this place for months
and haven't been able to see the seasons.
Not sure why that leaf looks like a penis.
[J.D.] We all have a voice in our head
that doubts us.
This is amazing.
[J.D.] It's just fear.
You care about how everyone else sees you.
But what about how I see you?
You're as brilliant as you are beautiful.
Okay, calm down, Asher.
I pushed the steroids.
And I'm filled with self-doubt about
every medical decision I've made today,
but not about you.
It's you two?
But you're brother and sister.
Although, I guess
that is the ultimate taboo.
[chuckles]
["Strange Invitation" plays]
[J.D.] Sometimes we fear losing
the way we see ourselves.
And sometimes you finally face your demons
only to realize
there's someone more afraid than you are.
It all boils down to feeling that
you're not enough.
Did you do all this?
No, I was just bringing you up here
to look at the stars.
Well, whoever did it is the most
thoughtful, romantic, sexiest man
to ever keep his ass tight.
- Babe.
- Hmm.
- I can't believe you did this for me.
- Mm-hmm.
Yo. I would have gone bigger.
Wait for it.
[J.D. chuckling] Yo!
Fireworks!
This is perfect.
Who would look at all those stars
and still think the Earth is round?
- I'm kidding.
- You totally got me.
You're actually hot enough
to be a flat-earther.
I could get past it.
- Aw!
- [chuckles]
Fireworks. Really?
Perry needs to sleep.
Speak for yourself, Stick.
They've got booze.
Rise in the cool of the evening ♪
- [Charlie moans] Can you go deeper?
- [J.D.] No, I'm giving you all I got.
[Charlie] Do you want me to do you?
[J.D.] Yeah, but be gentle.
It's my first time receiving.
[groans] Oh, yes!
Okay, enough foreplay.
Take off your pants.
All right, I just have
to do one thing real quick.
Not tonight, boy.
This one's special.
[Charlie chuckles]