Ted (2024) s02e01 Episode Script
Talk Dirty to Me
1
My words are lazy ♪
My thoughts are hazy ♪
But this is one thing ♪
I'm sure of ♪
Everybody needs ♪
A best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
Thank you.
And thank you to Salt-N-Pepa.
Thank you, Bernie Kopell!
Thank you to
Hey, what's the most fucked-up
host-musical guest combo
you can think of?
Uh, Buzz Aldrin and Kris Kross.
Oh. That's good.
Joan Didion and Whitesnake.
David Duke and the Wu-Tang Clan.
Judge Lance Ito and the B-52s.
Ted Kennedy
and the Dead Kennedys.
That's the one.
- That's good. Right?
- Yeah.
Another Saturday night
alone in my room.
Why won't you call me?
I'm so lonely,
and I want you so bad.
1-900-1HOT-BUTT.
Only $3.99 per minute.
Oh, man, she's so hot.
I wish we could call
one of those numbers.
- You want to?
- What, are you kidding?
My dad would kill us
if we called a 900 number.
Hey, wait a second.
Maybe there's an 800 version.
You know, where it's free.
Try 1-800.
Okay.
American Airlines,
how may I help you?
Aw. Wait, are you horny?
Uh, I don't know.
A little, I guess.
Oh.
You might have better luck
calling United.
I think they're pretty horny
over there.
Okay. Thank you.
No problem. Stay hard, man.
Yeah. You too.
It's showtime ♪
At the Apollo ♪
Oh, a white guy doing stand-up.
This should go well.
Ah, fuck. Third period.
I fuckin' hate gym class.
I'm always worried my dick's
gonna fall out of my shorts,
and then it never does.
And that doesn't
feel good either.
How do you think I feel?
Hey, why don't we go smoke
in the supply closet?
- Huh.
- What the hell?
Oh, yeah. It's because
the janitor hung himself
in there last week.
Oh, yeah.
It's weird. He was so happy
when he told us
he had 25 grand
riding on the Pats game.
Hey, what about the basement?
Anybody kill themselves
down there?
Not that I know of.
Hey, look at that.
What?
There's a phone.
Just a random phone
down here in the basement?
Yeah.
Johnny.
1-900-HOT-BUTT.
There's a dial tone.
Welcome to 1-900-1HOT-BUTT.
Please stand by
for sexy phone fun.
There are two masturbators
ahead of you.
- Holy shit.
- Holy fuck. Holy fuck.
- Holy shit, Teddy.
- Holy fuck. Holy fuck
Hi. Who's this?
- John.
- Don't use your real name.
Uh, Jon. No "H."
Hey, sexy. I'm Shauna.
Uh, hey, Shauna.
Are you the girl
from the commercial?
That depends.
Was she a naughty brunette
with huge tits?
No, she was a blonde
with more like B cups.
Yeah. That's me.
Tell me, what would you do to me
if you were here right now?
Y-You mean, like, sex-wise?
Oh, we can do anything
you want, baby.
Okay, well, I touch your boob.
Oh, my God.
A-And then,
and then I touch the other one.
Oh, God! Slow down.
Teddy, cut it out.
You're hurting her.
Oh, shit. Is it too much?
I'm just trying to have fun.
Shauna, teach us
how to be good lovers.
Color me your color, baby ♪
Color me your car ♪
Color me ♪
Your color, darling ♪
I know who you are ♪
Come up off ♪
Your color chart ♪
I know where ♪
You're coming from ♪
- Call me ♪
- Call me ♪
On the line ♪
Call me, call me ♪
Any, anytime ♪
- Call me ♪
- Call me ♪
I'll arrive ♪
You can call me ♪
Any day or night ♪
Call me ♪
Call me ♪
Hey, Teddy.
Hot butt.
Hey. Hot buttered butt.
Oh. That's good.
- We know.
- You're crazy.
You boys sure have been
in a good mood lately.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, do you know
if Becky called today?
Who's Becky?
Well, I've started tutoring kids
for some extra money,
and she's one of my students.
She's nervous about
her English test,
so I said she could call me.
Matty, she is
the most adorable little girl.
Told you I don't want
to know about any new people.
Oh, there she is.
Hello.
What do you want?
You're fuckin'
kidding me, right?
No.
Uh, did you hear me?
I said no.
I don't know,
do you want me to list
the, uh, ten billion
fuckin' reasons why?
No. Go fuck yourself.
Was that Becky?
Uh, no.
No, th-that was my dad.
Bernie? What did he want?
He wants to come visit.
Bernie's coming here?
Holy shit!
That's great.
It's about fuckin' time.
No, no, I have told him
over and over again
that I don't want
to see him. Ever.
You're talking about
your own goddamn father.
H-He said he wants
to make things right
between the two of us.
I'm not fuckin' interested, okay?
I don't want him here.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa. Hey.
Bernie can visit here
whenever he wants, all right?
This is my house,
and he's my big brother.
Yeah? Well, he's my dad,
and he's a raging asshole.
I'd appreciate
if you just stayed out of this.
Fuck that. You know what?
I'm calling him,
and I'm telling him
he can come here
and he can stay
as long as he wants.
No, Matty, wait.
Please don't do this.
My own brother is not gonna be
unwelcome in my home.
You really hate him that much?
If he steps foot in this house,
I'm fuckin' out of here.
I can't wait to hear
Shauna's take on all this.
Hi, this is Candy.
Who's this?
Oh, uh, hi, Candy.
We normally talk to Shauna.
Shauna's not on call today.
And not because of AIDS.
Oh, okay. We didn't ask.
Legally, you're not allowed to.
Anyway, it's just me, Candy.
You know, like,
sweet and sticky.
Well, gosh, Candy,
you sound great,
but we've spent a lot of time
talking to Shauna.
There's a certain intimacy
that develops,
and I'm concerned
you won't be able to keep up
with the rapport we've built.
You want me
to talk about blowing ya?
Okay. You're up to speed.
So, what's your fantasy?
I'm the hottest record producer
in the business,
and you're a total nobody.
What are you gonna do for me?
- Jesus.
- What?
That's fuckin' dark.
Well, how would you do it?
Hi. I'm a struggling
record producer,
and I need your talents
on my label.
We're artists first,
and you will own
your own publishing rights.
Okay.
And then I take my clothes off.
Keep 'em on, honey.
I don't want nothin'
to get in the way
of my business.
Which is making hit records.
Uh
You know who else I discovered
through phone sex?
Huey Lewis.
He was just like you,
suckin', fuckin',
doing it all for a dime.
That's what
Power of Love is about.
Like that.
I think I lost my boner.
Good. We got songs to write.
Who, or rather what,
was the Ice Man?
Most people assumed
it was just
An entertaining illusion
created by a master showman.
- Hey, fuckface!
- Hey!
I brought you Coors! On tap!
Ah! Bernie,
you son of a bitch!
- I got you.
- You got me good.
Come on,
give me a hug, you prick.
Yeah. Careful. Ow!
Hug me for real,
you rotten bastard.
Listen, don't act
like you don't know me.
I know you.
I love you, you cum guzzler.
Why don't you go guzzle some
fuckin' cum, you big queer?
It's fun to have company.
Bernie.
Hi!
I blew up an air mattress
for you in the attic,
and I put an Andes candy
on your pillow.
Oh, yeah. Is that how
Matty freshens his breath
after chugging spunk?
Ah!
Wow. It's like having
Bob Newhart in the house.
Susie, why do you stay
with this fuckin' nut hair?
I love this guy.
I thought Denise
was coming with you.
Eh, we got in a fight on 128,
so she jumped out of the car.
- Oh.
- But speaking of Bennett broads,
there is my princess.
Hiya, Blaire.
Nope, nope, nope. I'm out.
Blaire, that's your father.
Say a proper hello.
Seriously, Matty,
stay out of this.
Blaire's right.
I deserve the cold shoulder.
I gotta earn
my daughter's respect.
That's why I'm here.
There you go, Johnny.
You're old enough now.
- Gee, thanks.
Johnny, absolutely not.
That'll stunt your growth.
That is what happened
to the little man
on the Fantasy Islands.
Hi, Bernie. Ted.
I remember you from
when you shot all those cats.
Hey, that was Christmas Eve.
I get to do what I want.
Right, Matty?
- Ow!
Damn it! Knock it off, Bernie.
Me? You're the one
who's hitting your balls, Matty.
I'm not. Don't
Stop hitting your balls!
Stop hitting your balls, Matty!
I will be in my room
screaming into a pillow.
Okay.
Ah, fuck, I took a shit.
So who do you like better,
Candy or Shauna?
I think I like Shauna better.
Candy's coughing fits
kinda take me out of it.
Yeah. You know, I'm actually
a little worried about her.
I know.
Also, I hope
Heather's son found a kidney.
Well, she said they did,
but then it fell
out of the helicopter.
Thank God we make
these women cum so much.
Otherwise, they'd be miserable.
The number
you have dialed is blocked.
What do you think it means?
I don't know.
Johnny, what if
What if the school found out
about the sex line
and they blocked the number,
and now we're in trouble?
Look, let's not get crazy,
okay? It's probably nothing.
Everyone, quiet down
and listen up.
It has been brought
to my attention
that someone at this school
has made a series
of extremely inappropriate calls
to an adult phone line.
They used a telephone
on school property,
and we have received
a bill for nearly $5,000.
Quiet!
This is a serious
and obscene violation
of school policy,
and I can promise you
that whoever did it
will be caught,
held financially responsible,
and expelled.
We are conducting
a full investigation
led by the Massachusetts
Board of Education.
Mr. Lawrence.
My name is Avery Lawrence.
I'm the Board of Education's
deputy inspector general.
Whoever made these calls,
it'll be much easier for you
if you come forward now.
All right.
We'll do it the hard way.
But know this.
Statistically,
most masturbators are caught
within the first 48 hours.
Teddy, what the fuck
are we gonna do?
Our lives are gonna be ruined.
Look, we just gotta
stay cool, okay?
They got no idea it was us.
And if we just wait it out,
they got to give up eventually.
Oh, my God,
did you guys hear what happened?
- What?
- Principal Bernard says
they're canceling
Senior Skip Day
until they catch
the masturbator.
Oh, my God.
Who did it?
Who's the jackoff
who called the phone sex line?
Listen up, you motherfucker!
We waited four years to skip
a day of school
in a manner sanctioned
by the Massachusetts
Board of Education
and scheduled
into the academic curriculum.
And one of you little perverts
fucked it all up.
Who was it? Who made the calls?
Show your fucking face!
You can't hide from us!
We're gonna find you,
masturbator!
And when we do, you're dead.
Kill the masturbator!
Kill the masturbator!
Kill the masturbator!
Kill the masturbator!
Kill the masturbator!
Kill the masturbator!
I just don't understand
what Lyle Lovett sees
in that Julia Roberts.
He could have any woman alive.
- What?
Oh, he needs to settle down
and not get caught up
in that Hollywood rat race.
Hey, hey, what's this?
A meeting of the best-looking
people in the house.
I should fit right in!
Oh, Bernie, you're so funny.
I still think you should get
a ventriloquist dummy.
Oh, you'd be so funny with it.
Hey, hey, you mind
if me and Blaire talk
in private for a minute?
Oh, of course, of course.
I need to go and cube
some fruit for tonight's Jell-O.
We're having green.
No, no. No, no, no.
Aunt Suse, you stay.
Anything you want to say to me,
you can say in front of her.
Okay. Fine.
Your mother didn't jump
out of the car on the highway.
She left me
over a bunch of shit
that was not even my fault.
I don't care
what the reason was.
You are a belligerent,
untreated alcoholic
who needs help.
And until you get some,
you and I have nothing
to say to each other.
Blaire, this time is different.
You come home with me,
and I'll prove it to you.
Come home?
Yeah.
I want you to come back
and live with me, Blaire.
You mean come back and cook
your fuckin' meals for you?
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
I can see I still gotta win
you over,
but I will.
You'll see.
Oh, Blaire.
Maybe you should give him
a second chance.
According to People magazine,
Jerry Seinfeld made up
with his daughter.
Oh, my.
Andrew. Polly.
What happened in there?
Mr. Lawrence is interrogating
students in pairs
because he thinks there was
a team of masturbators.
Wait, he he does?
He said from the angle
of the jizz,
there had to be
a second shooter.
I don't even jizz.
Bear. Boy.
You're next.
Hey.
One at a time.
Tuesday,
September 20th,
10:06 to 10:27 a.m.,
where were you?
Study hall.
Mm.
I see. Unstructured time.
Teacher doesn't usually notice
if you're not there.
Good chance
to sneak off for a cigarette.
You know? A hot butt?
Do you like a hot butt, John?
You jealous,
seeing me enjoy this hot butt?
Do you wish you had access
to a hot butt like mine?
Should there be
another grown-up in here?
Your friend in the other room
already fingered you
for the crime.
So you can stop
jerking me around.
If you come clean,
I'll help get you off.
I I can't tell if you're
deliberately saying stuff
that's masturbation-adjacent
or, um
If you know who did this
and you give us names,
the Board of Education
will make it worth your while.
Like what?
With things
you've never dreamed of.
Like this pencil
with an eraser
shaped like a star.
Read what it says
on the side of the pencil.
It says "star student."
Star student.
We've ordered
recordings of the calls.
When they arrive,
we'll play them
over the school's PA system.
Unless you confess now.
You can't do that,
Mr. Lawrence.
The hell I can't.
Oh, no.
No, like, you really can't.
The PA system's busted.
Everything in this school
is broken.
And yet some bastard
decides to stick the school
with a phone bill for $5,000!
Who cares
if everything is broken?
Who cares
if this chair is broken?
Who cares if the whole
goddamn system is broken?
Can you not tell
anybody I did that?
I'm not supposed
to break any more chairs.
Okay.
Can you help me
put it back together?
Uh, for the love
of Christ, Susan,
hurry up with
that sitz bath, huh?
Feels like somebody
microwaved a hairbrush
and shoved it in my asshole.
Dr. Larson warned you
not to push so hard.
Oh.
Bath time!
I got you again, motherfucker!
Holy shit!
You prick!
God, you're dead!
I'm gonna get you for that!
Bernie, come back here!
I'm gonna get you for that!
Look at my little brother
with his ass out!
You look like Winnie-the-Pooh!
Where's Ted? Hey, Ted!
It's your boyfriend,
Winnie-the-Pooh,
ready for you
to fuck him in the ass!
I'm totally gonna
get you for that!
You motherfucker! Put me down!
Fuck you, you fat fuck!
- Ow!
What the fuck
is going on in here?
Hey, Blaire, you wanna
buy a sack of ass?
Put me down, Bernie.
What?
Susan wanted me
to get a puppet. Huh?
I'm Sammy Davis Jr.
I only got one brown eye.
Jesus Christ, Dad, put him down.
What? We're just roughhousing.
No. You're roughhousing.
He's not.
You're being a fuckin' bully.
Uh, Matty, am I bullying you?
No. We're just
messing around, Blaire.
Put him the fuck down.
Whoa! Language.
All right. Fine.
Jeez!
- Oh, okay.
I-I really I really do gotta
do that hemorrhoid bath.
All right,
go fix your goofy bum, Candyman.
For Christ's sake,
go wash your hands.
Why? He's my brother!
Yeah, I'm his brother.
Lawrence knows it's us,
I'm sure of it.
We can't pay back $5,000.
What are we gonna do?
Go to prison, that's what.
Holy shit.
We're gonna get Shawshanked.
We gotta find a way outta here
or the warden's gonna
have us shot in the prison yard.
Don't worry, Johnny, I've been
digging a hole in the wall
for the past six months.
We can escape through it.
What the fuck?
Yeah. Now we can
get outta here.
- You said you dug that for us?
- Yeah.
I can't fit through there.
You You made that for you.
No, it's for both of us.
It's literally shaped
exactly like you.
- Ah, no, it's not.
- It's got fuckin' ears.
All right, boys,
you're coming with me.
The sisters are gonna
have their way with you.
See ya.
Wait a minute. That's it.
- What?
- We do a Shawshank.
How will being sodomized
off-camera solve our problem?
No, no, we do
what Andy Dufresne did.
We invent a fake person.
A fake student
who confesses to the crime.
- Exactly.
- That's the answer.
But it's gonna
take some planning.
We better get some sleep.
Right.
Hey, Teddy.
We're in this together, right?
I mean, you'd never
really sell me out.
No, never, Johnny.
We know the name
of the masturbator.
His name is
Jeremy Schwarzfinger.
And who is Jeremy Schwarzfinger?
Only the worst kid
who's ever gone
to John Hancock High.
Three years ago,
Jeremy vandalized
the entire school.
You see? Look at this desk.
You said Jeremy
did this three years ago.
That's right.
This is a fresh carving.
H How can you tell?
Because it's in the shape
of the Sublime logo.
And no one in Framingham
was listening to Sublime
before 1992,
when their debut studio album,
40oz. to Freedom,
rocked the charts.
Do you know what I think?
I think you two carved this
moments before I walked in here
with the knife
that's in your back pocket.
You boys feel that sensation
in your throats?
That's the noose tightening.
Why'd you have to go
with the fuckin' Sublime logo?
I don't know, I just thought
maybe Jeremy likes Sublime.
What, do you got a backstory
for this fuckin' kid?
No, no, I'm just
Hold on a second, Teddy.
You might be
onto something here.
- What?
- We give Jeremy a backstory.
A school file on paper.
We make it so detailed
that it becomes undeniable.
I don't wanna just know
this guy's name.
I wanna know
what he jizzed for breakfast.
Jizzed for breakfast?
You know what I mean.
No, I don't.
And I don't think I wanna
be your friend anymore.
Okay. What?
Guess what this is.
Um, the crate of Wild Turkey
you're gonna drink
before bed tonight?
Even better.
What do you think?
What the fuck is it?
It's a dollhouse.
You always wanted one
when you were a kid.
So I stayed up all night
building it.
Oh, thanks.
I've always wanted tetanus.
Fine. I'm the bad guy.
No matter what I do,
it's not good enough.
And I And I should
never, ever be forgiven.
Okay, all right. All right.
It's a nice gesture.
Thank you.
Now we're talking.
Come home with me.
If you do,
I know your mother will too.
Wait.
That's what this is all about?
Getting Mom back?
Yeah!
Because then
we'll be a family again.
And that's all I want, Blaire,
I swear to God.
I'll think about it.
On one condition.
- Anything.
- Just go easier on Matty.
All right? I don't like
the way you treat him.
And I never wanna see
his asshole again.
I will be more respectful
to my little brother.
Thank you.
Oh, shit!
What are you doing down there?
- Uh, we just
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Mr. Lawrence,
I don't think I've ever done
anything in my life, actually.
Nothing. We were just
messing around, is all.
- Speak.
- We found Jeremy's file.
The really bad kid
who definitely exists.
All the details
about him are right here.
He even has a full mustache
as a teenager.
He's that bad. Look.
I don't need to look
because I don't believe
there is a Jeremy.
I believe the two of you
made the sex calls.
Do you know what this is?
Is that one of
those things they put
pizzas in the oven with?
It's a masturbator paddle.
Ew! And that's what they're
putting the pizzas in with?
It was used to beat sinners
at the Holy Child
Catholic School in Newburyport.
And when I prove the two of you
made the calls,
you both will know the pain
of the paddle.
I'm watching you.
We'll get them, Beatrice.
We'll get them.
What the fuck do we do now?
He's gonna get us.
- We gotta make Jeremy real.
- How?
Everybody at school's gotta
see him with their own eyes.
I got an idea.
Susan, the casserole
is exquisite.
Thank you, Bernie.
Well, I'm gonna raise my glass
'cause Blaire and me
got a big announcement.
We do?
Blaire's moving back home!
I'm gonna be pissed.
It's Rachel, Monica, Phoebe,
in that order. Oh.
Okay. Hold on, hold on.
I have not made
any decision yet.
I'm considering
moving back home,
but I've not decided a thing.
Come on. You know you're in.
And, hey, you better
watch out, Matty.
I might take
Susan home with me too.
- Oh!
- Ha! Ah, come on.
Be honest, Susan.
You were into me first.
Oh. Bernie, stop.
Bernie, just keep it
to yourself, huh?
Well, it's true.
You know, Johnny,
another ten minutes
behind that A&P with Susan,
I might have been your father.
Hey! Hey!
Bernie.
- Apologize to her.
- Huh?
You fuckin' heard me.
Apologize to Susan right now.
And then apologize to Matty
for every single fuckin' thing
you've done since you got here.
Hey. Whoa, whoa.
We're brothers, Blaire.
We give each other the business.
That's not what this is.
It's completely one-sided,
and you're a fuckin' bully.
Blaire, come on.
Jesus Christ!
We're just trying
to have a few laughs.
Okay. You don't
wanna apologize?
Then get out.
- Blaire, knock it off.
He He's just messing around.
Yeah.
Don't twist your panties.
It was a joke.
Fuck it.
Oh, shit!
Oh, goddamn it!
The fuck is wrong with you?
Relax, Dad.
We're just roughhousing.
You know,
giving each other the business.
You know what, Blaire?
Fuck you!
You know, you're not
allowed back home.
You're disinvited.
You're a psycho,
just like your mother.
Goddamn it!
Hey. Bernie, wait!
Matty, which order would you
fuck the women from Friends?
Hey, everybody.
Jeremy's outside.
You gotta come see
what he's gonna do.
- Who?
- Jeremy.
You know that really bad kid
who goes here?
The one who was really
into Sublime even before 1992?
Okay?
Jeremy's gonna
do a jump on his BMX.
He's jumping over three cars.
Three cars?
Yeah, three cars.
Everybody, come watch Jeremy.
There he is. There's Jeremy.
I can't believe that kid
we go to school with
is attempting this awesome jump.
Let's all chant his name.
Jeremy!
Jeremy! Jeremy!
Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy!
I've known Jeremy for years.
We're really close.
- I've known him longer.
He's my best friend.
I've been dating Jeremy
since the sixth grade.
Jeremy's wealthy parents are
taking us to Europe this summer.
Jeremy blew me at a sleepover
and told me not to tell anyone.
Well, hey there, everybody.
I was just in the bathroom
relieving myself
of the day's waste.
Kind of a rough one,
as you can see.
What's going on out here?
Oh, hey, John.
Jeremy, that kid
we go to school with
made a badass jump,
and now everyone's saying
they did anal with him
and stuff.
Now, that is crazy,
'cause I saw Jeremy
this morning,
and he gave me this letter
in case he died.
"To whom it may concern,
I called the phone sex line
1-900-HOT-BUTT."
"I can't live with the shame,
so I wanted to perform
one last awesome act,
then disappear into hiding.
Sincerely,
Jeremy Schwarzfinger."
Seems I owe you boys an apology.
Yeah, you were
a real fuckin' dick.
And you got totally proved wrong
in front of the whole school.
I will find you, Jeremy.
If it takes me
the rest of my days,
I will find you
and I will kill you.
Well, Teddy,
looks like we did it.
Let's go.
Do you understand
why your mother and your sister
feel this way, though?
Yes, I do.
They worry about me.
But it's time
that I I mature
Hey.
And I have to learn
from my experiences.
- Hey.
- Okay.
- Beer?
- Sure.
You said, uh
Do you have
respect for yourself?
Yes, I do.
If you dress like that,
you don't.
Because I have
Right?
I have two daughters,
22 and 30
Still can't stop thinking about
the look on my brother's face
when you threw
that casserole at him.
Pretty fuckin' good.
I was gonna
give him the business,
but you beat me to it.
- Yeah.
- Bennetts, right?
We We fuckin' love
messing with each other, right?
We sure do.
You're also going
to meet a mother
who says her daughter dresses
and acts like such a tramp
- Hey, Matty?
- Yeah.
I'm glad I'm here.
Hey, did you hear
about this kid, Jeremy?
Oh, you've got a headful ♪
Of someone dreadful ♪
And yet, alas ♪
That someone adores you ♪
Everybody needs ♪
A best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
I'm just a clown ♪
And I'll bring you down ♪
But you just don't care ♪
'Cause your ♪
Best friend is me ♪
My words are lazy ♪
My thoughts are hazy ♪
But this is one thing ♪
I'm sure of ♪
Everybody needs ♪
A best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
Thank you.
And thank you to Salt-N-Pepa.
Thank you, Bernie Kopell!
Thank you to
Hey, what's the most fucked-up
host-musical guest combo
you can think of?
Uh, Buzz Aldrin and Kris Kross.
Oh. That's good.
Joan Didion and Whitesnake.
David Duke and the Wu-Tang Clan.
Judge Lance Ito and the B-52s.
Ted Kennedy
and the Dead Kennedys.
That's the one.
- That's good. Right?
- Yeah.
Another Saturday night
alone in my room.
Why won't you call me?
I'm so lonely,
and I want you so bad.
1-900-1HOT-BUTT.
Only $3.99 per minute.
Oh, man, she's so hot.
I wish we could call
one of those numbers.
- You want to?
- What, are you kidding?
My dad would kill us
if we called a 900 number.
Hey, wait a second.
Maybe there's an 800 version.
You know, where it's free.
Try 1-800.
Okay.
American Airlines,
how may I help you?
Aw. Wait, are you horny?
Uh, I don't know.
A little, I guess.
Oh.
You might have better luck
calling United.
I think they're pretty horny
over there.
Okay. Thank you.
No problem. Stay hard, man.
Yeah. You too.
It's showtime ♪
At the Apollo ♪
Oh, a white guy doing stand-up.
This should go well.
Ah, fuck. Third period.
I fuckin' hate gym class.
I'm always worried my dick's
gonna fall out of my shorts,
and then it never does.
And that doesn't
feel good either.
How do you think I feel?
Hey, why don't we go smoke
in the supply closet?
- Huh.
- What the hell?
Oh, yeah. It's because
the janitor hung himself
in there last week.
Oh, yeah.
It's weird. He was so happy
when he told us
he had 25 grand
riding on the Pats game.
Hey, what about the basement?
Anybody kill themselves
down there?
Not that I know of.
Hey, look at that.
What?
There's a phone.
Just a random phone
down here in the basement?
Yeah.
Johnny.
1-900-HOT-BUTT.
There's a dial tone.
Welcome to 1-900-1HOT-BUTT.
Please stand by
for sexy phone fun.
There are two masturbators
ahead of you.
- Holy shit.
- Holy fuck. Holy fuck.
- Holy shit, Teddy.
- Holy fuck. Holy fuck
Hi. Who's this?
- John.
- Don't use your real name.
Uh, Jon. No "H."
Hey, sexy. I'm Shauna.
Uh, hey, Shauna.
Are you the girl
from the commercial?
That depends.
Was she a naughty brunette
with huge tits?
No, she was a blonde
with more like B cups.
Yeah. That's me.
Tell me, what would you do to me
if you were here right now?
Y-You mean, like, sex-wise?
Oh, we can do anything
you want, baby.
Okay, well, I touch your boob.
Oh, my God.
A-And then,
and then I touch the other one.
Oh, God! Slow down.
Teddy, cut it out.
You're hurting her.
Oh, shit. Is it too much?
I'm just trying to have fun.
Shauna, teach us
how to be good lovers.
Color me your color, baby ♪
Color me your car ♪
Color me ♪
Your color, darling ♪
I know who you are ♪
Come up off ♪
Your color chart ♪
I know where ♪
You're coming from ♪
- Call me ♪
- Call me ♪
On the line ♪
Call me, call me ♪
Any, anytime ♪
- Call me ♪
- Call me ♪
I'll arrive ♪
You can call me ♪
Any day or night ♪
Call me ♪
Call me ♪
Hey, Teddy.
Hot butt.
Hey. Hot buttered butt.
Oh. That's good.
- We know.
- You're crazy.
You boys sure have been
in a good mood lately.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, do you know
if Becky called today?
Who's Becky?
Well, I've started tutoring kids
for some extra money,
and she's one of my students.
She's nervous about
her English test,
so I said she could call me.
Matty, she is
the most adorable little girl.
Told you I don't want
to know about any new people.
Oh, there she is.
Hello.
What do you want?
You're fuckin'
kidding me, right?
No.
Uh, did you hear me?
I said no.
I don't know,
do you want me to list
the, uh, ten billion
fuckin' reasons why?
No. Go fuck yourself.
Was that Becky?
Uh, no.
No, th-that was my dad.
Bernie? What did he want?
He wants to come visit.
Bernie's coming here?
Holy shit!
That's great.
It's about fuckin' time.
No, no, I have told him
over and over again
that I don't want
to see him. Ever.
You're talking about
your own goddamn father.
H-He said he wants
to make things right
between the two of us.
I'm not fuckin' interested, okay?
I don't want him here.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa. Hey.
Bernie can visit here
whenever he wants, all right?
This is my house,
and he's my big brother.
Yeah? Well, he's my dad,
and he's a raging asshole.
I'd appreciate
if you just stayed out of this.
Fuck that. You know what?
I'm calling him,
and I'm telling him
he can come here
and he can stay
as long as he wants.
No, Matty, wait.
Please don't do this.
My own brother is not gonna be
unwelcome in my home.
You really hate him that much?
If he steps foot in this house,
I'm fuckin' out of here.
I can't wait to hear
Shauna's take on all this.
Hi, this is Candy.
Who's this?
Oh, uh, hi, Candy.
We normally talk to Shauna.
Shauna's not on call today.
And not because of AIDS.
Oh, okay. We didn't ask.
Legally, you're not allowed to.
Anyway, it's just me, Candy.
You know, like,
sweet and sticky.
Well, gosh, Candy,
you sound great,
but we've spent a lot of time
talking to Shauna.
There's a certain intimacy
that develops,
and I'm concerned
you won't be able to keep up
with the rapport we've built.
You want me
to talk about blowing ya?
Okay. You're up to speed.
So, what's your fantasy?
I'm the hottest record producer
in the business,
and you're a total nobody.
What are you gonna do for me?
- Jesus.
- What?
That's fuckin' dark.
Well, how would you do it?
Hi. I'm a struggling
record producer,
and I need your talents
on my label.
We're artists first,
and you will own
your own publishing rights.
Okay.
And then I take my clothes off.
Keep 'em on, honey.
I don't want nothin'
to get in the way
of my business.
Which is making hit records.
Uh
You know who else I discovered
through phone sex?
Huey Lewis.
He was just like you,
suckin', fuckin',
doing it all for a dime.
That's what
Power of Love is about.
Like that.
I think I lost my boner.
Good. We got songs to write.
Who, or rather what,
was the Ice Man?
Most people assumed
it was just
An entertaining illusion
created by a master showman.
- Hey, fuckface!
- Hey!
I brought you Coors! On tap!
Ah! Bernie,
you son of a bitch!
- I got you.
- You got me good.
Come on,
give me a hug, you prick.
Yeah. Careful. Ow!
Hug me for real,
you rotten bastard.
Listen, don't act
like you don't know me.
I know you.
I love you, you cum guzzler.
Why don't you go guzzle some
fuckin' cum, you big queer?
It's fun to have company.
Bernie.
Hi!
I blew up an air mattress
for you in the attic,
and I put an Andes candy
on your pillow.
Oh, yeah. Is that how
Matty freshens his breath
after chugging spunk?
Ah!
Wow. It's like having
Bob Newhart in the house.
Susie, why do you stay
with this fuckin' nut hair?
I love this guy.
I thought Denise
was coming with you.
Eh, we got in a fight on 128,
so she jumped out of the car.
- Oh.
- But speaking of Bennett broads,
there is my princess.
Hiya, Blaire.
Nope, nope, nope. I'm out.
Blaire, that's your father.
Say a proper hello.
Seriously, Matty,
stay out of this.
Blaire's right.
I deserve the cold shoulder.
I gotta earn
my daughter's respect.
That's why I'm here.
There you go, Johnny.
You're old enough now.
- Gee, thanks.
Johnny, absolutely not.
That'll stunt your growth.
That is what happened
to the little man
on the Fantasy Islands.
Hi, Bernie. Ted.
I remember you from
when you shot all those cats.
Hey, that was Christmas Eve.
I get to do what I want.
Right, Matty?
- Ow!
Damn it! Knock it off, Bernie.
Me? You're the one
who's hitting your balls, Matty.
I'm not. Don't
Stop hitting your balls!
Stop hitting your balls, Matty!
I will be in my room
screaming into a pillow.
Okay.
Ah, fuck, I took a shit.
So who do you like better,
Candy or Shauna?
I think I like Shauna better.
Candy's coughing fits
kinda take me out of it.
Yeah. You know, I'm actually
a little worried about her.
I know.
Also, I hope
Heather's son found a kidney.
Well, she said they did,
but then it fell
out of the helicopter.
Thank God we make
these women cum so much.
Otherwise, they'd be miserable.
The number
you have dialed is blocked.
What do you think it means?
I don't know.
Johnny, what if
What if the school found out
about the sex line
and they blocked the number,
and now we're in trouble?
Look, let's not get crazy,
okay? It's probably nothing.
Everyone, quiet down
and listen up.
It has been brought
to my attention
that someone at this school
has made a series
of extremely inappropriate calls
to an adult phone line.
They used a telephone
on school property,
and we have received
a bill for nearly $5,000.
Quiet!
This is a serious
and obscene violation
of school policy,
and I can promise you
that whoever did it
will be caught,
held financially responsible,
and expelled.
We are conducting
a full investigation
led by the Massachusetts
Board of Education.
Mr. Lawrence.
My name is Avery Lawrence.
I'm the Board of Education's
deputy inspector general.
Whoever made these calls,
it'll be much easier for you
if you come forward now.
All right.
We'll do it the hard way.
But know this.
Statistically,
most masturbators are caught
within the first 48 hours.
Teddy, what the fuck
are we gonna do?
Our lives are gonna be ruined.
Look, we just gotta
stay cool, okay?
They got no idea it was us.
And if we just wait it out,
they got to give up eventually.
Oh, my God,
did you guys hear what happened?
- What?
- Principal Bernard says
they're canceling
Senior Skip Day
until they catch
the masturbator.
Oh, my God.
Who did it?
Who's the jackoff
who called the phone sex line?
Listen up, you motherfucker!
We waited four years to skip
a day of school
in a manner sanctioned
by the Massachusetts
Board of Education
and scheduled
into the academic curriculum.
And one of you little perverts
fucked it all up.
Who was it? Who made the calls?
Show your fucking face!
You can't hide from us!
We're gonna find you,
masturbator!
And when we do, you're dead.
Kill the masturbator!
Kill the masturbator!
Kill the masturbator!
Kill the masturbator!
Kill the masturbator!
Kill the masturbator!
I just don't understand
what Lyle Lovett sees
in that Julia Roberts.
He could have any woman alive.
- What?
Oh, he needs to settle down
and not get caught up
in that Hollywood rat race.
Hey, hey, what's this?
A meeting of the best-looking
people in the house.
I should fit right in!
Oh, Bernie, you're so funny.
I still think you should get
a ventriloquist dummy.
Oh, you'd be so funny with it.
Hey, hey, you mind
if me and Blaire talk
in private for a minute?
Oh, of course, of course.
I need to go and cube
some fruit for tonight's Jell-O.
We're having green.
No, no. No, no, no.
Aunt Suse, you stay.
Anything you want to say to me,
you can say in front of her.
Okay. Fine.
Your mother didn't jump
out of the car on the highway.
She left me
over a bunch of shit
that was not even my fault.
I don't care
what the reason was.
You are a belligerent,
untreated alcoholic
who needs help.
And until you get some,
you and I have nothing
to say to each other.
Blaire, this time is different.
You come home with me,
and I'll prove it to you.
Come home?
Yeah.
I want you to come back
and live with me, Blaire.
You mean come back and cook
your fuckin' meals for you?
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
I can see I still gotta win
you over,
but I will.
You'll see.
Oh, Blaire.
Maybe you should give him
a second chance.
According to People magazine,
Jerry Seinfeld made up
with his daughter.
Oh, my.
Andrew. Polly.
What happened in there?
Mr. Lawrence is interrogating
students in pairs
because he thinks there was
a team of masturbators.
Wait, he he does?
He said from the angle
of the jizz,
there had to be
a second shooter.
I don't even jizz.
Bear. Boy.
You're next.
Hey.
One at a time.
Tuesday,
September 20th,
10:06 to 10:27 a.m.,
where were you?
Study hall.
Mm.
I see. Unstructured time.
Teacher doesn't usually notice
if you're not there.
Good chance
to sneak off for a cigarette.
You know? A hot butt?
Do you like a hot butt, John?
You jealous,
seeing me enjoy this hot butt?
Do you wish you had access
to a hot butt like mine?
Should there be
another grown-up in here?
Your friend in the other room
already fingered you
for the crime.
So you can stop
jerking me around.
If you come clean,
I'll help get you off.
I I can't tell if you're
deliberately saying stuff
that's masturbation-adjacent
or, um
If you know who did this
and you give us names,
the Board of Education
will make it worth your while.
Like what?
With things
you've never dreamed of.
Like this pencil
with an eraser
shaped like a star.
Read what it says
on the side of the pencil.
It says "star student."
Star student.
We've ordered
recordings of the calls.
When they arrive,
we'll play them
over the school's PA system.
Unless you confess now.
You can't do that,
Mr. Lawrence.
The hell I can't.
Oh, no.
No, like, you really can't.
The PA system's busted.
Everything in this school
is broken.
And yet some bastard
decides to stick the school
with a phone bill for $5,000!
Who cares
if everything is broken?
Who cares
if this chair is broken?
Who cares if the whole
goddamn system is broken?
Can you not tell
anybody I did that?
I'm not supposed
to break any more chairs.
Okay.
Can you help me
put it back together?
Uh, for the love
of Christ, Susan,
hurry up with
that sitz bath, huh?
Feels like somebody
microwaved a hairbrush
and shoved it in my asshole.
Dr. Larson warned you
not to push so hard.
Oh.
Bath time!
I got you again, motherfucker!
Holy shit!
You prick!
God, you're dead!
I'm gonna get you for that!
Bernie, come back here!
I'm gonna get you for that!
Look at my little brother
with his ass out!
You look like Winnie-the-Pooh!
Where's Ted? Hey, Ted!
It's your boyfriend,
Winnie-the-Pooh,
ready for you
to fuck him in the ass!
I'm totally gonna
get you for that!
You motherfucker! Put me down!
Fuck you, you fat fuck!
- Ow!
What the fuck
is going on in here?
Hey, Blaire, you wanna
buy a sack of ass?
Put me down, Bernie.
What?
Susan wanted me
to get a puppet. Huh?
I'm Sammy Davis Jr.
I only got one brown eye.
Jesus Christ, Dad, put him down.
What? We're just roughhousing.
No. You're roughhousing.
He's not.
You're being a fuckin' bully.
Uh, Matty, am I bullying you?
No. We're just
messing around, Blaire.
Put him the fuck down.
Whoa! Language.
All right. Fine.
Jeez!
- Oh, okay.
I-I really I really do gotta
do that hemorrhoid bath.
All right,
go fix your goofy bum, Candyman.
For Christ's sake,
go wash your hands.
Why? He's my brother!
Yeah, I'm his brother.
Lawrence knows it's us,
I'm sure of it.
We can't pay back $5,000.
What are we gonna do?
Go to prison, that's what.
Holy shit.
We're gonna get Shawshanked.
We gotta find a way outta here
or the warden's gonna
have us shot in the prison yard.
Don't worry, Johnny, I've been
digging a hole in the wall
for the past six months.
We can escape through it.
What the fuck?
Yeah. Now we can
get outta here.
- You said you dug that for us?
- Yeah.
I can't fit through there.
You You made that for you.
No, it's for both of us.
It's literally shaped
exactly like you.
- Ah, no, it's not.
- It's got fuckin' ears.
All right, boys,
you're coming with me.
The sisters are gonna
have their way with you.
See ya.
Wait a minute. That's it.
- What?
- We do a Shawshank.
How will being sodomized
off-camera solve our problem?
No, no, we do
what Andy Dufresne did.
We invent a fake person.
A fake student
who confesses to the crime.
- Exactly.
- That's the answer.
But it's gonna
take some planning.
We better get some sleep.
Right.
Hey, Teddy.
We're in this together, right?
I mean, you'd never
really sell me out.
No, never, Johnny.
We know the name
of the masturbator.
His name is
Jeremy Schwarzfinger.
And who is Jeremy Schwarzfinger?
Only the worst kid
who's ever gone
to John Hancock High.
Three years ago,
Jeremy vandalized
the entire school.
You see? Look at this desk.
You said Jeremy
did this three years ago.
That's right.
This is a fresh carving.
H How can you tell?
Because it's in the shape
of the Sublime logo.
And no one in Framingham
was listening to Sublime
before 1992,
when their debut studio album,
40oz. to Freedom,
rocked the charts.
Do you know what I think?
I think you two carved this
moments before I walked in here
with the knife
that's in your back pocket.
You boys feel that sensation
in your throats?
That's the noose tightening.
Why'd you have to go
with the fuckin' Sublime logo?
I don't know, I just thought
maybe Jeremy likes Sublime.
What, do you got a backstory
for this fuckin' kid?
No, no, I'm just
Hold on a second, Teddy.
You might be
onto something here.
- What?
- We give Jeremy a backstory.
A school file on paper.
We make it so detailed
that it becomes undeniable.
I don't wanna just know
this guy's name.
I wanna know
what he jizzed for breakfast.
Jizzed for breakfast?
You know what I mean.
No, I don't.
And I don't think I wanna
be your friend anymore.
Okay. What?
Guess what this is.
Um, the crate of Wild Turkey
you're gonna drink
before bed tonight?
Even better.
What do you think?
What the fuck is it?
It's a dollhouse.
You always wanted one
when you were a kid.
So I stayed up all night
building it.
Oh, thanks.
I've always wanted tetanus.
Fine. I'm the bad guy.
No matter what I do,
it's not good enough.
And I And I should
never, ever be forgiven.
Okay, all right. All right.
It's a nice gesture.
Thank you.
Now we're talking.
Come home with me.
If you do,
I know your mother will too.
Wait.
That's what this is all about?
Getting Mom back?
Yeah!
Because then
we'll be a family again.
And that's all I want, Blaire,
I swear to God.
I'll think about it.
On one condition.
- Anything.
- Just go easier on Matty.
All right? I don't like
the way you treat him.
And I never wanna see
his asshole again.
I will be more respectful
to my little brother.
Thank you.
Oh, shit!
What are you doing down there?
- Uh, we just
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Mr. Lawrence,
I don't think I've ever done
anything in my life, actually.
Nothing. We were just
messing around, is all.
- Speak.
- We found Jeremy's file.
The really bad kid
who definitely exists.
All the details
about him are right here.
He even has a full mustache
as a teenager.
He's that bad. Look.
I don't need to look
because I don't believe
there is a Jeremy.
I believe the two of you
made the sex calls.
Do you know what this is?
Is that one of
those things they put
pizzas in the oven with?
It's a masturbator paddle.
Ew! And that's what they're
putting the pizzas in with?
It was used to beat sinners
at the Holy Child
Catholic School in Newburyport.
And when I prove the two of you
made the calls,
you both will know the pain
of the paddle.
I'm watching you.
We'll get them, Beatrice.
We'll get them.
What the fuck do we do now?
He's gonna get us.
- We gotta make Jeremy real.
- How?
Everybody at school's gotta
see him with their own eyes.
I got an idea.
Susan, the casserole
is exquisite.
Thank you, Bernie.
Well, I'm gonna raise my glass
'cause Blaire and me
got a big announcement.
We do?
Blaire's moving back home!
I'm gonna be pissed.
It's Rachel, Monica, Phoebe,
in that order. Oh.
Okay. Hold on, hold on.
I have not made
any decision yet.
I'm considering
moving back home,
but I've not decided a thing.
Come on. You know you're in.
And, hey, you better
watch out, Matty.
I might take
Susan home with me too.
- Oh!
- Ha! Ah, come on.
Be honest, Susan.
You were into me first.
Oh. Bernie, stop.
Bernie, just keep it
to yourself, huh?
Well, it's true.
You know, Johnny,
another ten minutes
behind that A&P with Susan,
I might have been your father.
Hey! Hey!
Bernie.
- Apologize to her.
- Huh?
You fuckin' heard me.
Apologize to Susan right now.
And then apologize to Matty
for every single fuckin' thing
you've done since you got here.
Hey. Whoa, whoa.
We're brothers, Blaire.
We give each other the business.
That's not what this is.
It's completely one-sided,
and you're a fuckin' bully.
Blaire, come on.
Jesus Christ!
We're just trying
to have a few laughs.
Okay. You don't
wanna apologize?
Then get out.
- Blaire, knock it off.
He He's just messing around.
Yeah.
Don't twist your panties.
It was a joke.
Fuck it.
Oh, shit!
Oh, goddamn it!
The fuck is wrong with you?
Relax, Dad.
We're just roughhousing.
You know,
giving each other the business.
You know what, Blaire?
Fuck you!
You know, you're not
allowed back home.
You're disinvited.
You're a psycho,
just like your mother.
Goddamn it!
Hey. Bernie, wait!
Matty, which order would you
fuck the women from Friends?
Hey, everybody.
Jeremy's outside.
You gotta come see
what he's gonna do.
- Who?
- Jeremy.
You know that really bad kid
who goes here?
The one who was really
into Sublime even before 1992?
Okay?
Jeremy's gonna
do a jump on his BMX.
He's jumping over three cars.
Three cars?
Yeah, three cars.
Everybody, come watch Jeremy.
There he is. There's Jeremy.
I can't believe that kid
we go to school with
is attempting this awesome jump.
Let's all chant his name.
Jeremy!
Jeremy! Jeremy!
Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy!
I've known Jeremy for years.
We're really close.
- I've known him longer.
He's my best friend.
I've been dating Jeremy
since the sixth grade.
Jeremy's wealthy parents are
taking us to Europe this summer.
Jeremy blew me at a sleepover
and told me not to tell anyone.
Well, hey there, everybody.
I was just in the bathroom
relieving myself
of the day's waste.
Kind of a rough one,
as you can see.
What's going on out here?
Oh, hey, John.
Jeremy, that kid
we go to school with
made a badass jump,
and now everyone's saying
they did anal with him
and stuff.
Now, that is crazy,
'cause I saw Jeremy
this morning,
and he gave me this letter
in case he died.
"To whom it may concern,
I called the phone sex line
1-900-HOT-BUTT."
"I can't live with the shame,
so I wanted to perform
one last awesome act,
then disappear into hiding.
Sincerely,
Jeremy Schwarzfinger."
Seems I owe you boys an apology.
Yeah, you were
a real fuckin' dick.
And you got totally proved wrong
in front of the whole school.
I will find you, Jeremy.
If it takes me
the rest of my days,
I will find you
and I will kill you.
Well, Teddy,
looks like we did it.
Let's go.
Do you understand
why your mother and your sister
feel this way, though?
Yes, I do.
They worry about me.
But it's time
that I I mature
Hey.
And I have to learn
from my experiences.
- Hey.
- Okay.
- Beer?
- Sure.
You said, uh
Do you have
respect for yourself?
Yes, I do.
If you dress like that,
you don't.
Because I have
Right?
I have two daughters,
22 and 30
Still can't stop thinking about
the look on my brother's face
when you threw
that casserole at him.
Pretty fuckin' good.
I was gonna
give him the business,
but you beat me to it.
- Yeah.
- Bennetts, right?
We We fuckin' love
messing with each other, right?
We sure do.
You're also going
to meet a mother
who says her daughter dresses
and acts like such a tramp
- Hey, Matty?
- Yeah.
I'm glad I'm here.
Hey, did you hear
about this kid, Jeremy?
Oh, you've got a headful ♪
Of someone dreadful ♪
And yet, alas ♪
That someone adores you ♪
Everybody needs ♪
A best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
I'm just a clown ♪
And I'll bring you down ♪
But you just don't care ♪
'Cause your ♪
Best friend is me ♪