The Brady Bunch (1969) s02e01 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone ♪
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
the Brady Bunch. ♪
Well, there it is.
The future Don Drysdale residence.
You like it?
Gee, that's quite a shack.
Yeah.
Hey, I'll have to get some Saint Bernards
in case I get lost in there.
It's all right. We supply a road map
with every set of blueprints.
You know, baseball has been
real good to me.
Mike, thanks a million.
Hey, Don, listen, there's another reason
I wanted you to stop by the house
instead of the office.
I wanted my boys to meet you.
Don't tell me I've got some fans left.
Are you kidding?
You better believe it
especially my oldest, Greg, out there.
Ha! He thinks you're a combination
of George Washington, Neil Armstrong
and the guy who invented pizza.
( Both chuckling )
Greg somebody I'd like you to meet.
Can we do it later?
Greg.
I'm busy.
Don Drysdale?!
Wow!
Don Drysdale, wow!
Don, these are my boys,
Greg, Bobby and Peter.
Hiya, men.
Boy, this is sure a big day
for me, Mr. Drysdale.
Call me Don, okay?
Thanks, Don.
Can I call you Don, too?
You bet.
Thanks, Don.
Tell you what,
you call me Don, too, okay?
Thanks, Mr. Drysdale.
Don, you and Greg have
something in common.
He's a pitcher, too.
I'm in the pony league.
Watch this slider.
Hey, that had good stuff on it.
Hey, you got a great motion
there, you know it?
Look it.
On your slider, though,
when you stride out
just kind of bend your back.
Make sure your back bends.
Get your arm and try to go right out there
in front of you. There you go.
Now, when you grip it,
get it right here like this, got it?
Here, you do it. There you go.
Oh! Gee, you showed me
your secret slider.
I'll murder them Saturday.
You might be in the
big leagues someday.
Me?
I don't know why not.
The Dodgers are always
looking for a good arm.
I'm going to keep practicing, Don.
Thatta boy.
You know, you'll probably be
a bonus baby, too.
( Chuckles )
See you later, gang, take care.
BOTH: So long!
Did you hear what Drysdale said?
Big leagues.
Hey, Greg, you want
to throw some more?
Dodgers.
BOBBY: Hey, Greg?
How about letting me pitch, Greg?
Bonus baby.
BOBBY: Let's play.
He's gone.
Yeah, gone.
Now let's do pas de bras.
Side down.
You girls have some tape?
I want to stick this up on my wall.
Top drawer, left.
Who is it?
My pal, Don.
Don who?
Don Drysdale.
Who's Don Drysdale?
The man who discovered me, that's who.
Don't girls know anything?
The big "D," Don Drysdale.
How about a game of catch?
We're busy.
Yeah. How about helping us?
Hey, and take a chance on
smashing my hand?
What are you trying to do?
Ruin my career?
What career?
Are you kidding?
Why, these fingers are worth
their weight in gold.
Since when?
You heard Drysdale.
He said one of these days
I'd be in the big leagues.
He didn't say you would be,
he said you might be.
He said would.
Might. Would.
I heard might.
Well, it's not what he said.
It's the way he said it.
( Sighs )
Now pitching for
the Los Angeles Dodgers,
the National League
strikeout king, Lefty Brady!
( Imitates crowd roaring )
How's that sound, huh?
Great.
Except for one thing:
You're right-handed.
I know, but it's a good name.
What's wrong with Greg?
That's a good name.
Well, sure, but you got to have a name
that looks good on the sports page
like Bobo or Duke
or-or Dizzy or Catfish.
That's the one.
Catfish?
No, Dizzy.
That really fits you perfect.
Just for that, wise guy,
when I'm pitching in the World Series,
you're going to have to pay to get in.
( Thudding )
( Thudding continues )
Mike?
Hmm?
Wake up.
( Thudding )
It's 5:00 in the morning.
I heard a strange sound.
Mm-hmm. What kind?
Well, it went ka-boom,
ka-boom, ka-boom.
Kind of like Bela Lugosi
wearing wet sneakers.
I told you not to watch
the horror movie.
Oh, yeah maybe I did imagine it.
I'm sorry I woke you.
Good night.
You mean good morning.
( Clanking )
There, you see? You heard it, too.
It must be that hot water heater
acting up again.
No, it was definitely
a ka-boom, ka-boom, ka-boom.
When the heater acts up,
it goes bloop-bloop-bloop.
It must be trouble.
I'll go see.
( Exhales )
( Clanking )
Greg?
Do you know what time it is?
Oh, sure, that's why
I'm working out down here.
Did I wake you?
Oh, no, I've always wanted
to rise before dawn
to greet the coming
of a glorious new day.
Thanks a lot, Greg.
Listen, what is
this sudden urge for muscles?
If a guy's got to pitch,
he's got to be in shape.
I can't quarrel with that.
I got seven innings to go Saturday.
That's the spirit.
If you're going to do something,
you've got to give it all you got.
Right.
Yeah, well, there's just one thing:
There are some other
people in this house
who don't have to pitch on Saturday.
There are others who can't afford to miss
one minute of their beauty sleep, like me.
She's right.
Okay.
( Clanking )
GREG: I'll do my jogging now.
Dad? Mm-hmm?
What's the biggest bonus
any ball player ever got?
The biggest bonus?
( Sighs )
Well, I seem to remember
that the Angels paid one guy
about $200,000.
$200,000?
Man, oh, man!
Huh! What did I tell you?
I'm going to be loaded.
Oh, yeah? Well, listen, Bub.
Before you start spending all that money,
you better realize that out
of a thousand young hopefuls,
only one makes it.
Oh, well, I'm not worried.
I'll be the one.
Do you mind? I'll just be
a second. Oh, thank you.
That's okay, I'm just
memorizing some important dates.
Oh, well, that's one nice
thing about history:
You never run out of dates.
Yeah
You know what real important
thing happened in 1839?
1839? Well, uh I'll take a stab at it.
Was that the year Samuel Morse
invented the telegraph?
I don't know about that.
But 1839 was the year
Abner Doubleday laid out
the first baseball diamond.
Now, that really was a memorable event.
I'll say.
You know what happened in 1903?
Babe Ruth threw the first forward pass.
Oh, Mom, that was the year
of the first world series.
It's all right here
in this baseball encyclopedia.
You want me to explain
the infield fly rule?
I don't think so.
But I would like to ask you a question.
Have you finished your homework yet?
I'll get to it.
Greg
How about right now?
In a minute, Mom, in a minute.
Greg.
Mom, please!
He eats and sleeps baseball.
It's become an obsession.
Well, maybe he has gone
overboard a little.
A little?
To him, American history
doesn't even begin until 1839.
1839?
The year Abner Holiday
invented baseball.
( Chuckles ): Abner Doubleday.
Oh, honey, I think
Greg's acting fairly normal
under the circumstances.
What circumstances?
Well, the fact he's pitching
for his team now.
A great player like Don Drysdale
pats him on the back.
That's the dream of every American boy.
Well far be it from me
to be un-American.
Hi, honey!
No, I appreciate your
calling, Mrs. Pearson.
I'm just as concerned as you are.
No, it just isn't like Greg.
Believe me, his father and I
will have a talk with him.
And we really appreciate
your calling, Mrs. Pearson.
Right. Bye.
What's up?
I can tell you what isn't up
Greg's grades this week.
That was one of his teachers.
I don't get that,
he's always done real well.
Not this time.
Do you know he didn't even
turn in his history assignment?
Yeah?
And when the teacher asked him
what the most important victory
was in American history,
do you know what he replied?
1969, the year the Mets
won the pennant.
( laughs )
Don't laugh, Mike.
Yeah well, okay.
Greg?
GREG: Yes, Dad.
Can you come down here for a minute?
Well, he's a pretty levelheaded kid.
I think we can straighten it all out.
I hope so.
What is it, Dad?
( Sighs )
Sit down.
Look, son, your teacher,
Mrs. Pearson, called
and said you didn't turn in
your history assignment. True?
I didn't have time.
But you did have time to
memorize the batting averages
of every player in the major league.
Well, that's important.
Your schoolwork isn't?
I'm going to be a baseball player.
They don't have to know anything
Well, I mean, except for baseball.
Look, just the same,
you start hitting those books, right?
Greg, you're going to need good grades
to get into college.
College?
Who cares about college?
I don't even know why
I have to finish high school.
I got a great career
ahead of me in baseball.
Mike, are you sure we
shouldn't have a talk with Greg?
Oh, honey, I'm sure he
didn't mean what he said.
I don't think we have
a high school dropout on our hands.
I guess not.
Kids say a lot of things
they don't really mean.
Mom, Dad, can I ask you something?
Sure, any time. What's up?
Well, if Greg doesn't have
to finish high school,
why do I have to finish
junior high school?
And if Pete doesn't have
to finish junior high,
why do I have to finish grammar school?
Well, I think we better have
that talk with Greg.
Talk about what?
MIKE: Baseball.
Oh, well, sure.
What do you want to know?
Look, Greg, baseball is a great sport
I know. All right, wait a minute.
But there are other things
in life just as important.
Or even more important.
Yeah, look, you can go into baseball
if you're good enough,
but there's nothing wrong
with going to college first.
What about guys like Joe DiMaggio?
Or Mickey Mantle or Yogi Berra?
Now, they never went
and they did all right.
Greg, you can't pin all your hopes
on just one thing in life.
Right. It doesn't hurt to be able to do
several things well.
I know, that's why
I'm working on my hitting and fielding
in case my pitching arm goes.
Boy, I sure am glad
I have a mom and dad who understand.
Oh, boy.
Me and my big mouth.
Well, nobody is blaming you, Don.
Well, it's just that I love the game
and I like to encourage
the kids, that's all.
Oh, you encouraged him, all right.
Well, look, you name it and I'll do it.
I think right now
Greg thinks that baseball
is just one big bed of roses, see?
Yeah, maybe you could make him realize
that there are a few thorns in it.
Hmm, a few thorns.
I tell ya, I've been stuck
as much as anybody.
( Chuckles )
Well, that's what we'd like
to get across to Greg.
Great let's go.
Hi, Mr. Drysdale.
I mean Don.
Hello, Greg. How are you, son?
Just great.
Guess what? I'm pitching today.
You know how he feels before
the game, don't you, Don?
The old nerves twitching?
Oh, listen, I'll tell you.
When those butterflies start
kicking you in the stomach
I don't know. I can hardly
eat the day that I pitch.
Not me. For breakfast, I had hotcakes
sausage and a couple of eggs.
Yeah, but I bet the jitters really hit you
when the fans start riding you,
don't they?
Oh, and do they ride you.
You know, it's funny
you're a hero one minute
and a bum the next.
You serve up a couple
of home run balls, and
I don't know, you feel you
want to sneak out of the ballpark.
( Sighs )
I'll bet that never happened to you.
Oh, many times.
I'll tell you, I used to keep a false beard
and dark glasses in my locker.
( Chuckles ): Oh, wow.
Go on down, let's see something.
I guess being a baseball player
probably is more glamorous
from the bleachers, huh, Don?
Well, I'll tell you,
baseball isn't what it's
all cracked up to be.
Look at me, 34 years old
and my career is finished.
MIKE: Yeah, but you
can do something else.
I mean, you went to college.
Well, that's true, but there's a lot of guys
that I broke in with, they're
still in the minor leagues
trying to make a living.
Yeah.
MIKE: Well, I guess baseball
isn't all fun and glory.
Far from it.
Sitting up all night
in broken-down buses.
Sometimes you get stuck
in second-rate hotels.
Sleep all night with
your arm packed in ice.
Oh, yeah, that's some fun and glory.
Yeah, well, that really makes you think,
doesn't it, Greg?
Yeah, it sure does.
Greg, take it easy, okay?
See you later.
Thanks, Don.
Thanks for everything, Don.
But you know, actually he told Greg
nothing but the truth.
Well, how did Greg take it?
Oh, he got the message.
Mmm. Good.
Boy, what Don said sure made me think.
It did, Greg?
Yeah
I'm not gonna let those
things happen to me.
Hey, good boy.
I'm gonna start right at the top.
None of that minor league stuff for me.
Well what ab
what about the things he said?
The-the jitters and the pressure
and the aches and pai
the arm packed in ice.
Oh, heck, a cold arm isn't bad
for all that money.
That's all you got out
of the conversation?
Oh, no. He told me a lot of stuff
about buses and cheap hotels.
But he meant the guys
who weren't good enough,
and I'm going to be a star.
Yep, they'll be lucky
if they get a foul tip off me today.
Somebody is riding for a big fall.
And I know who's going to be there
to pick up the pieces.
( Blender whirring )
Hey, where are you going?
To our ballet lesson; It's Saturday.
Ballet? When you can see me pitch?
JAN: Hey, what's that?
Oh, it's a quick energizer
I got out of a health magazine.
What's in it?
Turnip tops and beet bottoms
and wheat germ and cod liver oil.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Mmm delicious.
But I better not get
too much energy at once.
You can have the rest of it if you want.
How's it look?
Aren't you going to wait for Dad?
Naw, I'm riding my bike over.
I want to get there early
in case there are any
big league scouts around.
Well, as long as you're not
going to be at the game,
I guess you can have it now.
Greg Brady.
What do I want your name for?
That's not just a name.
It's an autograph.
Hang onto it.
It's going to be worth
a lot of money someday.
MIKE: Let's go, kids!
We're moving out!
Come on, come on.
Dad, Can I sleep on the couch tonight?
What's wrong with your room?
Nothing, but after the game today,
it'll be too small for Bobby and me
and that big head of Greg's.
( Crowd cheering )
( Crowd cheering and clapping )
How was the ballet lesson?
Wonderful you
ought to come sometime.
Yeah, in my tutu.
In my case, better make that
a two-two by four-four.
( Chuckles ): Oh
Greg
Hi, Mom. Hi, Alice.
What are you doing home so soon?
They call off the game?
Can't a guy come home
without a lot of questions?
Hi, honey.
Mike, what's the matter with Greg?
Is the game over already?
No, no.
Well, didn't he pitch?
Oh, yeah, he pitched, all right.
They clobbered him.
He couldn't get anybody out.
Yeah, they scored 12 runs
in the first inning.
Then the coach gave Greg the hook.
Yeah, all right, boys, that's enough.
Come on, take this upstairs.
Was it really as bad
as all that, Mr. Brady?
Oh, it was a massacre.
He was so cocky,
he wouldn't listen to the coach,
and he really got his lumps.
Aw, the poor kid.
Well, it had to happen.
Mike
I think you better start
picking up the pieces.
Greg?
Greg.
Mind if I come in?
No.
Listen, um
about the game today
Who cares about a stupid old game?
Well, anybody can have an off day.
Come on, next time
you'll mow them down.
There won't be any next time.
I've got more important things to do.
Do you really?
Who wants to travel around in old buses
and have to worry about being traded?
And butterflies in your stomach.
I'm never going to play
that dumb game again.
( Murmuring sympathetically )
You're going to go way
overboard the other way.
Listen
( sniffling )
Baseball is a great game.
But it's just one part of life.
There are other things important, too.
Come on.
Education is important.
Listening to people, like the coach
Yeah.
You got to
strike a balance of some kind.
But I thought you'd be happy
if I gave up baseball.
No no, no, listen.
Make it one part of your life
for now.
Greg not everybody
can be a Don Drysdale.
All right, maybe you can.
But maybe you can't.
Now, in the meantime,
you just go in there
and you you do the best you can.
I did the best I can.
And they clobbered me.
All right, yeah, they did, they did.
But that doesn't mean
they're going to do it the next time.
Right?
Maybe maybe if I work
some more on my slider.
Thatta boy. See?
And developed a change-up.
Sure, you can do that.
And improve my curve
There's no reason you can't
if you work at it.
Boy, I'll get so good
some scout will come around
and offer me a bonus!
Why didn't you stop me, Dad?
Because I think you just proved
you're smart enough to stop yourself.
Come on, you want to play catch?
You mean it?
Why, sure on one condition.
What?
Well, if any scouts come along,
they have to take us as a team.