The Cleaner (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

1
Job in a pub? It's like
you're trying to kill me.
Bloody hell, what's happened to you?
What do you mean?
The glasses, the earring.
I'm just trying something different,
that's all.
What, a full breakdown?
Oh, I'm winding you up.
No, I think it's great, what this
new girl's managed to do.
Changed in five weeks what others
couldn't in 50 years.
Well You must really like her.
Are they even prescription?
Yeah, of course they are.
Look, I'm sorry.
I know you and I were going to go
for a drink, weren't we?
Oh, yeah. Don't you worry about me.
I'm benefiting from this new woman.
There's loads more naan breads
left at curry night
now you're not down The White Horse
every Friday night.
Right. She's not really
a down-the-pub sort of girl.
And who in their right mind
would want one of them, Wicky?
So, erm What happened here?
Oh, actually, it's pretty gruesome.
Young bloke died in a fight.
It started off as a brawl,
but then a knife got pulled.
Bar manager's around, though. I'll
let him fill you in on the details.
Oi!
I'm not the bar manager.
He was. Bloody hell, have you been
there the whole time?
Yeah. You're better at sneaking up
than you look.
You don't look like a sneaker.
No offence.
Wish me luck. Good luck, Wicky.
It was here.
Whereabouts?
Kidding.
He had a fight, now he's dead.
I'm sorry. Sorry for your loss.
The loss of your Oh.
The loss of your boss.
Jacko. Oh, was that his name?
His real name was Michael,
but everyone called him Jacko.
Don't ask me why. I won't.
What was that? It was inappropriate.
I make jokes when I'm frightened.
Do you know? It's funny. I, er
I'm trying to give up the booze
at the moment,
and I thought it'd be hard being
in a pub, but I feel all right.
He was only 28.
He bled to death. Yeah.
That is That is sad.
Not sad for him.
He's gone.
Sad for her.
I need to work. Yeah.
I'll be back here Yeah, OK.
..setting up.
Setting up? Setting up for what?
Match day.
What, you're actually opening?
OK. Well, I probably need about
six hours for this.
It's a business. We open in five.
All right. Well, I'll try and do it
in five. We open in five!
Yeah, that's fine, all right.
Cheeky bastard.
Here we go.
Hello, you beauty.
Oh, lovely action.
Bring Your Daughter To
The Slaughter by Iron Maiden
# Bring your daughter
Bring your daughter
# To the slaughter
# Let her go
Let her go
# Let her go
# Bring your daughter
Bring your daughter
# To the slaughter
# Let her go
Let her go #
Good morning.
Oh, er
No, no, no. It won't go off!
Off, off, off, off, off, off,
off, off! Argh!
Having a nice time?
Sorry. I'm from Lausen Cleaners.
I'm here to
Have a good time instead of
working, it seems.
Oh, that? Oh, no, that started
playing on its own.
I think the place is haunted.
Not by him. He won't be a ghost
yet. Probably by a
..pirate? Sorry, who are you?
Lisa Smith.
Like on the board above the door.
Oh! Sorry, I just presumed
the big fellow was
Yeah, why would a lady run the gaff?
We're too delicate.
Sorry. I'm Wicky. I'm
I'm here to, erm
The cleaner. Yeah, I gathered.
Getting ready for the match, Lisa.
Good, Cuddle. Thank you for that.
Double bourbon, please.
Cuddle? Yeah.
Got a problem with that? No.
I just think it's a bit of a funny
name for someone who I felt,
and I hope this doesn't seem crass,
might, with the slightest
provocation,
pull my whole skeleton
out of my bum hole.
You're very quick to judge,
aren't you, cleaner man?
You'll fit in well here.
Do you want a beer?
I-I'm at work. Yeah.
I'm about to do my accounts.
No. No, I can't. I promised my new
girlfriend.
Things we do for love, eh?
He had to go and act like a
big shot.
Now I've lost my bar manager.
Yeah. And he
..weirdly lost both ears.
I also lost my lover. What?
Er, he was only 28, though.
That's too young for you
I mean, for him to die.
Not for anything else.
I'm sure he was
What was he, nice to kiss?
Of course he was.
What are you on about? Come on!
I mean, he lost both ears.
Lose one ear, call me careless.
Lose both ears,
maybe I don't want ears.
Oh, my God.
You ready for that pint?
Yes, please.
Oh, God.
Any chance you're going to do any
cleaning in the near future,
cleaner man? Make your mind up.
I know what you're thinking.
"What did a 28-year-old want
with that old boot?"
I was not thinking that.
Come on. You can't be more than
What? SiSi
Fiftyftwo?
Thirty
ThirThirtyfi
..five? Can you?
Oh, come on, be honest.
Lies stink the bar out.
All right, maybe I was wondering it
a bit. Not that it matters.
Love is love. My uncle's girlfriend,
he
Actually, that is a bad example.
He was arrested, but
So, what do you think he wanted
with me, cleaner man?
Relaxed company, someone to
chill with.
Kickbacks. Quid pro quo.
Why else would a man that age
be with me?
What? Every relationship is a deal.
And the sooner you realise that,
the better.
Do you think this new girl
who's stopping you drinking
is in it for your good looks,
Robert Redford?
She's got a name. Her name's Jules.
And I've got no money,
so that's your theory buggered.
Not every transaction is financial.
Do you know what, Cuddle?
You don't really need to hold it,
it's not that high.
He's just trying to avoid another
tragedy.
Cuddle, check the pork scratchings,
there's a love.
So, how did you meet him,
old, er? Jacko.
When I was visiting my dad
in prison.
He was in the next-door cell,
doing a two-year stretch.
Next thing I know, he's on my
doorstep, says he's got out
and he wants to tell me in person
that my old man was dead.
Oh. Oh, well, sorry.
Don't be. He was a horrible father.
Brilliant fraudster, though.
They called him The Raisin. Oh?
Could dry you out completely.
So, would The Vampire not have been
better?
None of this matters. Go on.
This is Jacko.
What a hunk! See what I mean?
I fancy him myself.
Hard to resist.
Scam artist or not. What makes you
think he's a scam artist?
What, turning up at a pub
owned by a knackered old woman
and seducing her?
Oh. Anyway, it worked out well
in the end.
I got my bit of eye candy,
someone to run the bar for me.
He knew he'd get the business
in the end.
It's just that the poor bugger went
and snuffed it first.
Yeah. What? I don't know.
It just feels a bit cold.
Pfft. Maybe I'm an old romantic,
you know, but
Hey, it's none of my business.
I better get on.
All I'm saying is, I think it's
a bit odd
that you've never considered
love might be involved.
Are you in love, then, Wicky?
I'd like to be.
I don't know how she feels, but
..it's what I want, yeah. Oh.
Love's just another transaction.
It's give and take, innit?
Yeah, and everyone tries to take
more than they give.
Have you never just loved someone
for the sake of it?
Nah.
Everything's easier when love
isn't involved.
Sex included.
I don't want us to have sex.
I wasn't offering. Oh, thank God.
Lisa. Right on cue.
What is it? Erm, well
Well
I
I need to get some stuff from
the van.
So, erm, I'm not very good at this.
Erm
Jacko really did like you.
He wanted to book a trip to the
Bahamas.
It was going to be a surprise.
He showed me this brochure.
"We need to take you on the
honeymoon you never got to have",
he said. "The one you deserved."
Just thought you should know.
And, Lisa, I-I just wanted to say
that, erm
..all the glasses are nearly cleaned
and there's plenty of bottles of
IPA.
Thanks, Cuddle.
Weren't joking, were they,
Raisin Face?
God in heaven.
500 quid for a simple coffin.
£6,450 for a silk-lined mahogany
casket.
Who are they trying to kid?
A coffin's just a people bin.
Well, probably just want to give
someone a nice send-off.
Where to? Get one that's made out
of chipboard.
Bit of veneer, lovely bit of velvet.
Well, if it isn't the most beautiful
girl in the whole world.
What's she doing talking to me?
Yeah, no, no, I'm looking forward
to it.
No, no.
That's fine.
Listen, if it can't be avoided,
it can't be avoided.
Yeah. I'll give you a ring.
You'll give me a ring.
All right, then. B
Problems? No, she's just busy.
Oh, dear. The power of blossoming
love not quite enough, was it?
She's just remembered a thing
she's got on, that's all.
Yeah, I bet. What do you mean
by that?
What, she just remembered a thing
she had on
with a bigger bank balance?
I wonder what the thing's name is.
I wonder what kind of car
the thing drives.
My God, it must be exhausting
being you.
Look, just face it.
She's never going to end up with
a cleaner.
I am a crime scene cleaner!
Hey. Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
No!
Now what are they going to drink?
Yes, I do apologise, Cuddle.
Argh! Do you think you could take
just a little bit of your weight
off my head?
Keep him down there, Cuddle.
Oh, but there's something down here.
He's just trying to get out of this.
I'm not trying to get out of this,
I love this.
Honestly, you're going to want to
take a look.
Oh, yeah.
Someone must have lost it. Lost it?
It was stashed under a pool table.
Maybe they hid it there when
the fight started.
No knowing now, is there? Yeah.
Well, we'd better report it.
It's not right. Who hides money
under a pool table?
Well, it doesn't matter now,
does it?
Maybe it's the reason the fight
broke out in the first place. Ah!
Maybe Jacko was mixed up
in something dodgy.
Not the first time that sentence
has been bandied about.
Shamon!
Well, anyway, there's no way of
knowing now.
Nice little windfall, though.
You You can't keep it, we've got
to go to the police.
Oh, what, so they can have an extra
piss-up at the station?
I don't think so. None of
the coppers I know are bent.
No, because you live
in a Richard Curtis film,
don't you, Babyface? No, I do not.
Not that there's anything wrong
with that.
Notting Hill? Top five films for me.
Just a girl standing in front of
a boy asking to be loved.
Count me in, Roberts,
you sausage-lipped prozzie.
I like documentaries.
Oh, each to his own, Cuddle.
You can't keep it!
It's none of my business, I suppose.
No, you suppose right. Right.
Well, I'm pretty much finished.
I'll, er
I'll get going. Oh, no, you won't.
Hard work doesn't suit you.
Yeah, well, I'd like to remind you,
this isn't my work.
You should have kept quiet about
the money when you seen it.
Gone back later and nicked it
for yourself.
I bet you'd be getting ready for
that date now if you had all this.
Nah. She's just not into me.
You need a plan.
Got to make a grand gesture.
Been there, done that.
What did you do?
I wrote her a song.
Well, I sang a song.
I mimed along to someone else's
song. And filmed it.
Yeah? What was the song?
Died In Your Arms Tonight, Cutting
Crew. Good song, difficult key.
How did she react to this gesture?
Banged it on a USB, sent it over,
she texted back,
"Wow, looks like someone had a good
night." Laughing emoji. So
..pretty sure she liked it.
Kidnap her. Hey?
So, you put her in a limousine.
Big one. Drive her to the airport.
Surprise her with a couple of
tickets. Go on, get in there.
And then you fly her somewhere
really nice.
Like the Bahamas.
Lisbon. Eh?
If anywhere, it'd be Lisbon.
She's always wanted to go there.
Right, then, Lisbon.
Bring up those crates.
And then you check
into a fancy hotel.
Five stars. You show her
you're not a loser.
I'm not a loser.
I told you.
I'm a crime scene cleaner.
Yeah, not a heart surgeon.
See, that's why you've got to offer
her something
she can impress her friends with.
You've got to invest in her.
You know, flights, hotels,
boat trips.
I don't know, helicopter.
A helicopter? Who mentioned
a bloody helicopter?
Well, sightseeing tours over Lisbon.
That does sound nice, actually.
Put it down there.
And shift it, you two.
It's match day, isn't it?
You said we'd be ready on time.
You two actually make a
pretty good team, you know?
Do you know what I'd do if we went
to Lisbon?
I'd find a nice little private
beach,
and I'd get a table and some chairs,
and I'd put some candles on it,
maybe some flowers.
And then I'd get oysters.
No, not oysters. They're disgusting,
people pretend to like them.
Crisp white wine, two glasses.
And then we'd just sit.
Watch the sun go down and chat.
Hmm. Sounds perfect.
Cost you about five grand, though.
Right, well, if she wants me
for all that luxury crap,
she can have her surgeon.
Why did you stop drinking and start
wearing that stupid earring?
Hey, Wicky? Those are deposits,
you're selling yourself.
Paul Wickstead is not for sale.
Tell you what. 200 quid
..if you carry on cleaning naked.
Oh, good God, stop!
Put your clothes back on.
You just made my point for me.
You should have put that money in
your pocket when you found it.
I've got principles.
It's dirty money.
Oh. Tell you what.
I'll give you 50 quid
if you sing I Just Died In Your Arms
Tonight for me.
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You think you've got it
all worked out, don't you?
I can smell a bullshitter
at 50 feet.
Do you want the truth?
I know the truth.
No, you're supposed to say you want
the truth, and then I can shout,
"You can't handle the tru"
It doesn't matter.
All right, I tell you what.
15 quid.
Wait.
£17
..says that I can tell you something
about your love life
that you haven't worked out
for yourself. All right.
20 quid.
Give it to me. Right.
I actually think you're rather
wonderful
to be in a relationship with.
Ha! Yeah, you're stubborn,
and, certainly, you can be mean,
but you're charming and
you're funny.
And there's an inner strength
to you.
You don't let anything drag you
down.
Which is why I'm surprised
Jacko wanted to leave you.
What?
At first, I thought it was a drug
dealer that had put it under there.
That doesn't make sense.
They've got their own
hiding spots, haven't they?
But, then, someone panicking,
hiding it under there during
the fight?
No, that doesn't make sense either.
Who's going to stash money under
a table
in a place that they know is about
to be crawling with coppers?
No, it doesn't add up.
And that's why I think
Jacko put it there.
He could never have smuggled that
much money from under my nose.
No, not all at once.
But 50 here, a hundred there,
fudge the books.
Just waiting until he had enough
to leave.
Well, then you'd have found more,
wouldn't you? No.
As soon as he had a certain amount,
he'd pop down the bank.
Cash it all in.
Too risky having all that money
on him at work.
Which is why he stashed it
under the pool table.
The Bahamas.
Cuddle showed me a brochure.
Oh, yeah. He wanted to go
to the Bahamas, all right.
Just not with you.
He thought you'd live to be
a hundred
and he'd never get his
greedy little hands on this place.
No, it wasn't like that.
Well, I call that a win. Might not
be able to take her to Lisbon,
but I can buy her a curry, eh? What?
Hmm? I made it all up, didn't I?
To win the bet.
Yeah, the woman who thinks she's
sorted out romance.
Think she understands it all.
She's offered another alternative
and she gobbles it up. Yum-yum.
No, you're right.
No. I was wondering why we weren't
making more money.
Place is always full. No!
I made it up to win the bet.
There you have it.
Just another transaction.
Here, Cuddle, you take this.
I don't want it.
No, I want you to have it.
You've been so loyal. Go on, please.
Now, I'm going to patch up my face
while you finish up here.
I want this place ready for
the match.
I've got people relying on me.
Do you know what, Cuddle?
I thought I'd feel better than this,
winning the bet.
That's me finished.
Is that what you're going to spend
your five grand on?
No, I'll probably go Blackpool.
Blackpool?
I've always wanted to see
the Pleasure Beach.
Right. They've got The Krankies'
signature in the pavement.
I think maybe the Bahamas might
top that, mate.
It's too hot for me. I only got
this for her.
I thought I thought Jacko
got that for her.
You really like her, don't you?
Of course. Well, why don't you
tell her?
Things aren't the same since
our honeymoon.
Your hon?
Are you two married?
Used to be.
When Jacko came along, I-I couldn't
stand in their way.
Ah. Just
..I like being near her.
Stick this in your computer
and have a watch.
Sometimes you've got to make
a grand gesture
to win a woman's heart.
Died In Your Arms
by Cutting Crew
# II just died
in your arms tonight
# It must have been something
you said
# I just died in your arms tonight
# II just died in your arms
tonight
# It must have been something
you said
# I just died in your arms tonight
# Oh, whoa
# II just died in your arms
tonight
# It must have been some kind of
kiss
# I should have walked away
# I should have walked away
# Is there any just cause
for feeling like this?
# On the surface
I'm a name on a list
# I try to be discreet
# But then blow it again
# I've lost and found
It's my final mistake
# She's loving by proxy
No give and all take
# Because I've been thrilled
to fantasy #