8 Simple Rules (2002) s02e02 Episode Script

1
Look at all of the makeup Bridget
bought. Can you believe it?
Look… fourteen dollars
for whatever this is.
Eyelash curler.
And thank heavens
she got more lip junk.
Lip gloss.
Rory, there's a ball game
on channel seven. Watch it.
Hey, guys. Hey, Care
Bear, look at this, this…
You know, not now, Dad. I have to
get ready for my date with Kyle.
Wait, that's your stuff? I can't
believe it's already so late.
I still have to straighten
my hair, crimp my eyelashes,
create cheekbones out
of practically nothing
which is totally
your fault… flat faced.
Flat… flat… I do not
have a flat face. Come on.
Well, anyone looks
flat in a toaster.
Look Kerry, I've got to tell
you something in all seriousness,
ever since you started
dating Kyle you've changed.
You're different. You're more
More Bridgetty.
Rory! You're more Bridgetesque.
You know, how could you
compare me to Bridget?
Where's my new sparkle lip gloss.
Okay, I know I bought
new sparkle lip gloss.
Oh my God, where's my
new sparkle lip gloss?
Is this it?
He touched it all over.
I miss the old Kerry. The
depressed one
without a boyfriend?
Yeah.
Why do bad things
always happen to me?
Bridget, nothing bad
ever happens to you.
Yeah. But today, I heard
Mom is gonna teach 'Sex Ed'.
- In my class.
- It's true.
Dad, why do bad things happen to
superficial people?
Rory, I don't know
but I know why
bad things happen
to smart alecks.
'Smart aleck'? You know,
words hurt, Dad. Flat face.
So, what, you're teaching
Sex Education? Oh Yeah.
The school needed
a nurse to fill in
because Miss
Callahan got the 'flu.'
Really? I heard
she got knocked up.
So you just say 'yes' without
even totally considering
how it could
completely ruin my life?
Bridget I think it's
an honor your mother
is going to teach
you Sexual Education.
After all, she taught me.
Do you guys not understand
what situation I'm in here?
I mean, Donny Doyle's coming
in this weekend to see me.
- So?
So, people already perceive my
dating Donny as
a slap in the face,
I mean, you know
he's older, he goes to
the Naval Academy
instead of a school,
and then Danielle's
going to this
party this weekend,
and she's all.
'You better be there'
and I'm, 'Yeah' but.
Donny's, 'No, I don't
wanna share you, '
which is actually very sweet, but
that's just the sort of thing.
Danielle's gonna use against
me, and then, You! have to go
and exacerbate the whole thing by
teaching 'Sex ed' at my school.
On the bright side, she
did say 'exacerbate.'
Yeah, honey, I
think you're blowing
this whole thing
out of proportion.
You wanna weigh in here, Paul?
Look, it's just two classes.
And I will try very
hard not to draw
attention to the fact
that I'm your mom.
And that's how Bridget was born!
This movie sounds
good. 'High octane
butt kicking from
start to finish.'
Far be it from me to disagree
with Jeff Paisley from the.
But I really wanted to see
It means, 'Love is the
water of the heart.'
That doesn't sound as
full of high octane.
Come on, Kyle. It's
made by this really
amazing avant
garde French director.
He uses silence in a way that
it almost becomes a character.
This guy? He uses his
butt cheeks to talk.
We can't even agree on a movie.
Sometimes I feel like we
have nothing in common.
Yeah. I know what you mean.
- Wanna make out?
- Sure.
Whoa… hey, Lord
of the Manor present.
We weren't doing anything..
Oh my God, Dad do you have to
Walk in on you and
your boyfriend? Yes.
Do I have to call that
your 'boyfriend'? Yes.
Do I have to torture
you with a dance like…
instead of leaving you alone? No…
but you did call me a
'Flat face'.
You still here?
- No.
- Thank you.
- Call me later.
So, Care Bear, I
hear you're interested
in seeing that new French movie.
How long were you standing there?
Don't worry, I had a chair.
Listen, I was thinking,
you know what
might be fun is
if, we sort of saw
that movie together
tonight. Sort of a.
"Father Daughter
Foreign Film Night".
I'd rather stay home.
Good. Hey Kerry,
we're going to have a.
"Father Daughter Stay
At Home Dance Night".
Yeah… get your groove on!!!!
OK, okay… we'll go to the
movie! Just stop doing that!
Works every time!
- Hey, Cate!
- Oh, hi honey.
Kerry and I are going to see a
foreign film tonight.
- That's so nice.
You know we're not
sitting together, right?
I'm excited, too!
Okay, Mom. I parked the car.
It's all snug in its
spot in the garage
just like how Dad's
sperm snugly parked
itself into your egg when you
decided to have
sex and ruin my life.
I came up with a little
car analogy for the class.
Cute. What do you
mean 'little' car?
It was the worst
day of my entire life.
Worse than the
time you wore a black
skirt and a black
top to school..
..and you didn't notice they
were two different blacks..
..till you got home
and I showed you?
That's it, Rory! We're
canceling Bravo.
You said you wouldn't
embarrass me, Mom.
You said no one would
know you were my mother.
I know honey and I was trying so
hard not to, it just blurted out.
You could have stopped
at how I was conceived.
You didn't have
to tell them where.
You don't even like the
beach! God, this is so unfair!
Did she say penis?
- I am never showing my
face at that school again.
Penis and vagina?
Rory, we don't say those words.
- Why not?
- I don't know.
- Did you have a rough day today?
- No it wasn't that bad.
But I found out tomorrow I have
to talk about contraception,
and the only thing the school
will let me discuss
is abstinence.
Finally, our tax
dollars put to good use.
I don't know, I think
it's irresponsible
to say abstinence
is the only option.
I see teenagers at
the hospital every
day and they're
in trouble already.
They need to know about safe sex.
Or, you could teach
them that sex is "bad".
That if they have it they'll
go blind or go to Hell.
You're the teacher. You decide.
Hi, guys. How was the movie?
- Fine.
- Fine.
Did something happen?
There was this scene, this
scene was so incredibly
European.
- Hot sex?
- Rory!
Sorry. Did I crack your code?
- So what did you do?
- Nothing.
You did nothing? Yes, I did
nothing. What else could I do?
Well, you could have left.
Oh, yeah. I never
thought of that.
I'll go talk to her.
- It's okay.
Wow, you saw the water
bottle scene with Kerry?
You know about the
water bottle scene?
Oh yeah. The water
bottle scene's famous.
All my friends are downloading it
off the Internet. Not me, though.
Because I'm not old enough
to see that kind of thing.
And it's illegal.
And it objectifies women.
Wait a minute, all
your little friends
are watching that
scene from that movie?
The water bottle
scene is like my
generation's Pam
Anderson/Tommy Lee tape.
Which of course,
I have not seen either.
But, maybe you should
take Kerry to see it.
Well, it's getting late.
Yes, it is.
How do you say goodnight?
And your mom's the teacher.
I'll call you next week.
Will you? Well, thanks so much.
- I had loads of fun.
- So did I.
Goodnight, Woody.
Goodnight, Anne.
And thus Woody leaves,
knowing with great pride
that this is another
night he did not have sex.
Okay. So, that's abstinence.
Clearly it's been around forever.
Yo, Ms. Henn, that movie was
all rated 'G' and what not.
Nah, it was less than
'G, ' it was like 'F.'
Yeah, Woody's got no game.
Look, if you have something
to say, please raise your hand.
Anthony.
Yeah, dawg be cold saying hasta
to a lady with such a fine,
cup sitting booty like that.
But I'll bet my money that dawg
be walking all swishy swishy,
playing for the other team and
what not, you know
what I'm saying?
We all have certain 'urges'.
Hey Bridget, your mom just
said 'urges.'
Kill me.
And if you respect yourself,
you will shut down those urges.
She totally said it again.
And then, when you've finally
made a commitment to get married,
and you finally
satisfy those urges
Stop saying 'urges!'
There are other words.
It will be all that much
sweeter because you waited.
Waited? Dang, this sucks!
She's trying to turn us
into a bunch of Woodys.
All right, kids.
Okay. I could get
in big trouble for
telling you this,
but there are alternatives
to abstinence.
What are some of those
alternatives, Bridget's mom?
Well, Jenna, rather than
speak in generalities,
why don't we just answer
some of those questions..
You submitted to Miss
Callahan last week?
Let's see.
'I have a much older boyfriend
who lives in Maryland.
He's coming to visit
me this weekend
and I'm feeling
pressure to have sex.
What should I do?
And I think you should
know, I'm really gorgeous.'
Well, I'll tell what
you should do.
ABSTINENCE!!!
Abstinence!
You hear me, missy?!
Whoever you are.
Paul, how many times you
gonna read that thing?
The words aren't gonna change.
Donny Doyle is
coming over to our
house to have sex
with our daughter.
Oh, he's gonna be
having sex all right,
but it's not gonna
be with our daughter.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
You just gave me
this ten minutes
ago. I'm still
formulating a plan.
I'm just so
disappointed with myself.
I sounded like my
mother. I actually
think I said the word 'missy.'
And I actually believed
Donny when he
told me that he was
choosing celibacy.
A teenage boy doesn't
choose celibacy.
Celibacy chooses ..you…
him… a teenage boy.
What are we gonna do?
Look, Cate. We can't just talk
to Bridget about contraception.
You might as well just fluff her
pillows and make her
some peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches.
You are aware, Paul,
that only works for you.
Don't you see, that if we do
that, it'd be like we're giving
her permission
to have sex. And if
we tell her: 'You
can't have sex',
you know she's
definitely gonna have it.
Why couldn't she have
been born hideously ugly?
Ugly people have sex, too.
- Ughh
I just, you know, it's just such
a confusing time for these kids.
The media bombards them
with all these sex images.
Why do they have to make
it look so damn appealing?
I blame the French and
their crazy sex water.
As do we all, Paul.
Okay look, you know we are
going to have to talk to her.
Fine. We'll talk to her
before her date with Donny.
It's so hard to be a girl.
You like a guy so
much and you just
want to be with
him, it feels so right.
Is that how you feel about me?
- Sometimes.
- Sometimes?
Oh, God help us.
People were butt naked,
moaning like no tomorrow,
and I'm sitting like
this close to Dad.
Hello, my social standing
could be impacted for decades
the way Mom's talking about
how everyone has these urges.
Oh yeah? Well I started to
choke on a popcorn kernel
and oxygen cut off to my brain
and everything went black.
Mom said 'vulva.'
You win.
Kerry, could you
go downstairs for a
second? We wanna
talk to your sister.
- Sure, Mom. Dad.
- Kerry.
I want to look absolutely perfect
for my date with Donny tonight.
What do you think of this top?
I think it should stay on.
I need something that says
I'm older, more sophisticated.
Something that says I'm a woman.
'Cause tonight's a Big Night'.
No, tonight is not the big
night and do you wanna know why?
I'll tell you why Cate.
Honey,
your Dad and I were together
for a long time before
we had a 'Big Night.'
And might I add,
we were deliriously
happy with all
of our little nights.
Years and years of little nights,
little teenie weenie nights.
He said 'teenie weenie.'
Bridget. What?
Look, what we're
trying to say is
that Sex is a big
step. For all of us.
And we in no way
want you to have sex.
We are not giving you permission.
What are you
talking about? Fine.
You want me to
say it? I'll say it.
Safe sex, condoms,
you know the drill.
Look, what your father
is trying to say is
that when it comes to sex, we
trust you to act responsibly.
What is with you people?
You're all just sex, sex, sex.
It's like you have a one
track mind and it's all
what chama call it sex.
Honey, we know you
wrote that question.
What question?
From the girl whose boyfriend
is coming from Maryland
and he's coming to
town to, you know.
You thought that was me?
No, that was totally
written by that new
girl who came from
Maryland: Lara O'Neal.
And she's definitely
not gorgeous.
Talk about over
inflated self esteem.
If somebody's willing to sleep
with her, she should jump on it.
Looks like someone
got a little paranoid.
Oh gosh, I gotta go.
How do I look? Wow. Really good.
Bridge, since, you
and Donny aren't
having sex, what's
up for tonight?
PG movie, home by eleven,
"You know the drill".
You know after the
movie why don't you
and Donny stop by
so we can say hi?
No. I told the Doyles
after the movie,
I'd be Mary Ellen's
partner in Bible Trivia.
Godspeed!
Oh my God, this
movie sounds amazing.
I'd show you the water bottle
scene, but my Dad made me
delete it from my hard drive.
Luckily, I've got it all up here.
- Hey.
- Hey. Out.
Hi.
You know, I was a
jerk the other day.
I was totally wrong
about that French movie.
It was important
to you, all right?
And I think we
should really go see it.
You heard about the scene?
There's a sexy water
bottle scene?
I had no idea.
Go home.
I hate having a smart girlfriend.
Dad. Kerry. Care Bear, hang on.
Wait a second. You know
what? We have to talk.
I don't wanna talk! I think we
should, about the moo… the…
you know, what we saw
the other day. What? What?
It's just that, you
know, remember
when that guy came with the
well, the truth, the
thing is… you know what?
Never mind. Carry on, goodnight.
No, wait. No, not goodnight!
Dad, we have nothing to
be embarrassed about.
You're right. 'Night.
No, wait. Dad!
Come here, sit down.
Okay, you were thinking,
should you cover my eyes?
Or, should you laugh? Or
should you just do nothing,
because, you know, let
me draw my own conclusions
and instead of treating
me like a child?
Yes, that was one!
Right, okay, but you have
to admit it was really weird.
Oh, God. That was one of the
weird… especially… I could…
Okay, Dad, stop. Stop worrying.
I mean, I'm not scarred for life.
And despite being temporarily
totally creeped out,
I didn't hate having a
father daughter thing.
- Good.
- Okay.
So we can do this again sometime?
Yeah. In like a billion years.
It's a date.
The boy!
Come here. Hey! Right
here, sit down, park it.
Hey, Ror. Boy, I'll tell you
something. It is not 'E-A-S-Y'
being the father
of teenage girls.
But I think I'm really evolving.
And as for you, young man, did
you delete your
downloaded movies?
Look, 'Officer Internet',
if you're so worried about
obscene material, you should
probably take a look across
the street. What do you mean?
Your daughter's alone
with a sex starved
sailor who hasn't seen
a woman in months.
Rory, she is not alone.
She's with the Doyles.
And even if she wasn't,
I trust my daughter.
Does it concern
you that the Doyles'
motor home is not
in the driveway?
No. There could be
a thousand reasons
why their camper's
not in the driveway.
Like it's in Branson with
the rest of the Doyles?
Where it's been since Thursday?
Where they're celebrating
the Osmond family reunion?
Cate, are you hearing this?
Bible trivia, my ass!
I hate the French!
Back to the Internet.
Lara O'Neal?
Lara O'Neal?
Lara O'Neal, new
girl from Maryland?
Does anyone know a Lara O'Neal?
Anyone?
I'm sick.