All's Fair (2025) s02e02 Episode Script
Going Down
1
Well, I think that does it.
Thirty-five million in assets,
including a vineyard in Napa,
the ranch in Scottsdale,
and four Picassos
to be divided equally.
-I think we're done.
-Not so fast.
My client now seeks
full custody of Herbert,
a 15-year-old Goldendoodle.
Go fuck yourself,
you soulless piece of shit.
Okay, we-we agreed
on joint custody for the dog.
It's right there on page two.
Well, that was before new concerns
about the dog's welfare.
You know what I'm talking about,
you sick twisted bitch.
My client believes
that your relationship
with the dog has become too
intimate.
Oh, please.
He's just jealous
because Herbie loves me more.
-Oh.
-He alleges the use
of Erewhon extra crunchy peanut butter
to facilitate intimacy
between you and the dog.
I'm sorry. What?
Your client has been
smearing peanut butter
all over her va-hee-na
and encouraging
the dog to lick it off.
Oh.
Say something, for Christ's sakes.
-Yeah, I'm sorry. I, I
-Jesus!
My throat is itchy.
What?
You got a peanut allergy?
This is not something
that you can bring up
last minute in a mediation.
Oh, I understand that,
given your recent awakening,
you may have
a more expansive view of intimacy.
But, for most of us,
we consider that animal abuse.
That's textbook homophobia.
Another reason why she should've
been disbarred years ago.
Do you have any proof of this?
But of course I do.
His veterinarian cites
behavioral changes,
including greeting women nose first.
And not to mention,
a recent sharp increase
in Herbie's cholesterol.
Okay, is there a name
of this alleged veterinarian?
No, he won't be testifying,
citing, uh, vet-client confidentiality.
But that's not a thing,
and you know it.
Yeah, but you know what?
Herbie can't testify, can he?
Herbie can't say no.
Okay, Your Honor.
Opposing counsel
is hardly an authority
on human-animal boundaries.
Do you know
she once stayed in bed for days
playing with her dead pussy?
I wish you wouldn't talk
about your private parts that way.
I really wish you wouldn't.
I mean, you can smell the peanut butter
in the room, can't you?
Stop.
I feel a bit faint.
If I survive today,
I'll set another date.
In the meantime, joint custody
-Oh, come on.
-What?
Remains in place
pending actual evidence of abuse.
We'll circle back on this.
And if we could do it
in Zoom next time, please.
I do have a peanut allergy.
Oh, fuck.
I should've wore pants.
Feel a little sticky?
You know what?
You can go fuck yourself too.
-Don't you wish?
-Yeah, actually, I do after this divorce.
Oh, wow. You really know how
to take it to a new low, don't you?
Well, she didn't deny it, did she?
Look, Liberty,
my client has
a lifelong passion for art.
And yours a,
a newfound one for dog tricks.
We take the Picassos,
and the words
"peanut butter" disappear.
Yeah, nice try.
Unfortunately,
no proof, no Picassos.
Alright?
So let me know when you've got
some real proof, darling.
Charcoal pearls,
chlorophyll drops,
colloidal silver capsules,
and a Lymphatic Drainage
Turmeric latte.
You forgot "eye of newt."
Alright, y'all. I am here.
What did I miss?
We're just having
a little exorcism.
Let me get this straight.
Cedars saves your life,
pumps you full of antivenom,
and you're drinking something
that smells like my boys after practice?
That scorpion
has moved on with his life,
and you still sitting here detoxing?
Scorpions. Plural.
And those little fuckers
just didn't walk
right into my purse on their own.
-Okay.
-Exactly.
And now that
you're feeling better,
we have to figure out
who the hell put them in there.
Well, let's see.
Uh, 300 guests, 50 staff,
and I don't think
any of the husbands
that I've ruined were on the list.
Seriously, Allura.
We don't take chances with this.
No, we do not.
And you will not walk around
unprotected another day.
-Not on my watch.
-Agreed.
Look, I'm meeting with a guy
from a protection agency today.
Special Ops,
former Secret Service, top tier.
Trust me, I did my homework.
Good.
Now, before we disperse,
I need to discuss
the matter of Doug's ashes.
This is a very personal trip for me.
I want you all to be there.
Not everyone in this firm
is family to me,
but you're my girls.
And together,
we're the fearsome four.
Hey.
And you've been my family,
at my side, all these years.
We wanted to make sure
we kept you stress-free,
so we planned everything.
Yep, that's exactly right.
We land at Martha's Vineyard.
We say farewell to Doug
at Gay Head.
Then, we toast at Atria,
home of the best
lobster rolls in the world.
Well, that's lovely.
I'm sure you've thought of everything,
but I am going to
throw a little curveball your way.
Now, look,
what happened at the ball
was entirely my fault.
If I hadn't slapped Carr
-Oh, whoa.
-Oh, no.
Wait a minute.
I know you are not
dragging that woman
and her chaos on that plane.
I flat-out can't do it.
I cannot do Carr at 30,000 feet.
I just can't.
Dina, sooner or later,
you're going to have
to accept the fact
that some people
just can't be saved.
-Ding, ding, ding.
-Come on, Dina.
Why can't you see crazy
when it's doing cartwheels
right in front of you?
I know there's good in her.
When I lost Doug,
she stayed with me through the wake,
through all of it.
I just don't feel right
excluding her from his burial.
She's prepared to apologize,
in writing, and make amends.
Oh, God.
You can't ask me
to spend six hours
in the same cabin as the woman
who called me
a "carpet-munching cunt in a cape."
You don't understand now,
someday you will.
If you're the one
that everyone looks up to,
you don't get to decide
who deserves grace.
Well, I say give her all the grace
you want to give her.
Just don't sit her next to me.
This is my husband's burial.
This is what I choose.
I can't force you to come.
I am not leaving without her.
This Fatwa has gone on long enough.
It stops here, and it stops now.
Fuck, we're not
going to let you scatter
Doug's ashes without us.
But we will have to check a bitch
for scorpions
before she boards the plane.
That part.
Ding, ding, ding.
Miss Standish, your smoothie.
Oh, packed with collagen.
Oh, God.
The lies we tell ourselves.
And Ms. Grant,
your noon meeting is here.
Thank you, Latanya.
Alright, later, ladies.
I'm going to go meet
a man about my safety.
And if you don't mind,
I'm going to join you.
Excuse me?
I understand you have questions
about my judgment.
But I have questions
about your taste in men.
She makes a good point.
-Okay, okay.
-She told you!
Okay, fuck off.
Ouch. Zing!
Do you always leave
your office unsecured?
Do you always enter
into other people's offices uninvited?
Usually.
No gatekeeper. No lock.
No one watching the door.
Yeah, these people work for me.
Uh-huh.
Just like the figure outside your house
was just out for a stroll
in the moonlight.
Excuse me,
aren't you Dina Standish?
Yes. How did you
I worked for your husband's
studio, years ago.
I was sorry
to hear of his passing.
He was a good guy.
Thank you. He was.
So, Ms. Grant, Ms. Standish,
why don't you take a seat
while I ask you a few questions?
I'm sorry, but isn't it my job
to ask you the questions?
I believe I'm doing the hiring.
Ms. Grant,
if we are to work together,
and I'm not saying we are,
you're going to have to relinquish
your position of authority
and do what I say when I say
if you want to stay alive.
Hmm?
So, when you saw that man
outside your new home,
why didn't you hire protection then?
I didn't think it was necessary.
-Were you scared?
-Yes, but
But you ignored your fear.
You told yourself
you were overreacting.
And then you wound up
with a bag full of lethal scorpions.
Your fear is never unfounded.
It's your body's way of surviving.
Fear is your best friend.
And you have to learn to trust it.
You cannot be afraid
of being afraid.
Got it?
I pulled your cases.
Filings, verdicts, settlements.
These are men who lost everything
in divorce cases you supervised.
There are many.
So, you're building a suspect list
based off of headlines and filings?
I don't know whether
to be impressed or alarmed.
So, here's the deal.
We bring in a private investigator.
I coordinate with law enforcement,
but we don't wait on them.
We investigate
and catch this person
who wants you dead.
And as we do that,
you get 24-hour protection,
day and night.
So, what would that look like?
Looks like me staying in your house.
Or, sometimes, my partner.
You'll like her.
Ms. Grant, before coming here,
I was trained in Rio.
Elite tactical.
Cartels, kidnappings, kill jobs.
That's where you learn
what fear is for
and when to trust it.
With me in your house,
you get to live your life worry-free
because, 24/7, I got you.
Mr. Ortiz
I'm going to leave the two of you
to continue this discussion.
In the end,
it's your decision to make.
Thank you for your kind words
about my husband.
Oh, my honor, Ms. Standish.
He was a standup guy.
-Oh. Oh.
-Oh.
Oh, I'm so sorry!
It's no problem.
No-No problem.
-Oh, that I'm so Oh, dear.
-No, no, no, no problem.
-It's okay.
-Can we get someone to help you?
-No, no, no. I'm okay. I'm okay.
-Oh, God.
I'm so s Um
Oh, I
I just run this
under some cold water.
-The bathroom's over
-I know.
Well, I don't know about you,
but I'm impressed.
-Hello, Ms. Ronson.
-Hello, darling.
Oh. First one here, as usual.
Champagne, Ms. Ronson?
Oh, and why not?
Just a teeny splash.
-Hey, Em.
-Hey
And, Ms. Grant,
I'll be here in the back.
Get over here and don't act like
you don't see me looking at you.
That is a fine
Tomahawk steak of a man.
If you don't ride that ride,
my Black ass will, okay?
-Are you crazy?
-Okay.
I'm not about to sleep
with my own bodyguard.
-Why?
-If I've learned one thing
from watching
that Whitney Houston movie,
it's that sleeping
with your bodyguard never works out.
I can't make
another bad decision.
The Chase thing
is just too painful.
And I can't lose myself
like that again.
Ladies, we have to be
wheels up in five minutes.
I can't hold up
the runway much longer.
Okay, we're still waiting
on one passenger.
After all our peace negotiations,
I hope she makes
the effort to show up.
Well, I'd hate
to take off without her,
but I do think we should listen
to the captain's wishes,
don't you?
You know you don't
want to be sitting
on this plane for six hours
with that sulky Irish Setter
with the blood-stained lips.
Oh, that's rich
coming from someone
who looks like a pit bull
that's been vacuum sealed
into shape wear.
Unfortunately,
we're all here now, captain.
No, ah, ah, ah, ah. No.
I made a deal with Carr.
We do not lift off
until she apologizes.
If we are going to spend
the next six hours
in this plane together,
we need assurance
that you can be trusted
so we can all move forward.
Carr.
I wrote this with my shrink,
and she said it was
the best I could do.
"To whom it may concern"
"If anyone made the choice
to be offended
"by my behavior
at the Scorpion Ball,
"I hope that you learn
to give yourself what you need
"rather than seek it from me.
"Life is too short
for disagreements,
"so I advise that
you endure my actions
"with a smile
and a tip of the hat.
"And now that I have
absolved myself,
"it is your turn
to apologize for the ways
"in which you
have been manipulative,
"disingenuous,
and impossible to accept.
"Please provide specifics.
"All the best, Carrington Lane.
Dictated but not read."
If you showed up
looking for an apology from us,
I think I can speak
for the group and say,
"You're never going to get it."
When are you
going to learn, Carr?
You're the fucking problem.
Okay, I see.
Well, fine.
If that is how you want to be,
then I suggest you buckle up.
We're about to have
a bumpy flight.
Enough. All of you. Just stop it.
If we cannot embrace kindness
or contrition on this flight,
we are not going
to engage at all.
Carr.
That was your apology?
That's the best you can do?
You made me a promise.
I'm disappointed in you.
If you can't play nice,
then just go sit in a corner.
Aye aye, mommy dearest.
Well, now that we have
all of that settled
Would you like me
to take your coat?
Uh, yeah.
Can I get you a water or a coffee?
Uh, you could get me
a Triple Bloody Mary
with a rum floater.
And serve it warm.
Whoa, don't you think it's too early
to be drinking like that?
Uh, I'm a bad flyer, Emerald.
So, I need a drink.
Here you go.
If you need it, Dina.
-Hi.
-Hello, Ms. Lane.
I'm hanging on by a thread, so
Thank you.
'Kay.
Oh, sh
-Oh.
-Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Why would you
have that right there?
'Cause I'm working!
Oh, God. Here we go.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
-Here we go. Here we go.
-Get a grip, Carr.
Is this your first time
in a plane?
I told you, I am a bad flyer.
Okay, just think of it
as the air is jelly
and the plane is safely
wobbling about inside of it.
It's-It's nothing to worry about.
It's just potholes in the sky.
Yeah, well,
you would be jumpy too
if you'd been through
the things I've been through.
Shocking things.
Things you would be floored
to learn about.
Alright, fine.
I'll take the bait.
What have you been through, Carr?
Oh, my God.
Where do I even start?
What about the fact
that I almost died in 9/11?
-Really? Is that true?
-It's 100% true.
What do you mean "almost died"?
I mean, I almost died.
I was supposed to be
on one of the planes.
I had taken myself to Boston
to celebrate my 30
25th birthday by taking myself
on a, uh, solo pub crawl
along the Freedom Trail,
which had been
a childhood dream of mine.
But I woke up so hungover,
and I missed
my flight back to New York.
Paging passenger Mark Wahlberg.
The boarding door is now closed.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
You can't close the door!
I'm supposed to be on that flight!
Ma'am, relax.
We'll get you on the next flight out.
No, this is the worst thing
that could ever happen
to someone.
I will never forget this day.
May 9/11 forever be known
as the day
the airlines failed me!
I think you'll survive.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, I'm going to need
security over here.
Ma'am, now you're not
getting on any flights.
Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am,
ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.
That's not going to get you
anywhere you want to go.
Dick.
And, uh
I mean, to this day,
I feel like I am living
on borrowed time.
Take it as a sign
that you're meant to live, Carr.
Well, and then I was supposed
to be on that Malaysia flight.
The one that
mysteriously disappeared?
Yeah.
I was flying Kuala Lumpur
to Beijing to visit my sister.
That is not the point.
What the point is,
is that she slept in
and missed the flight,
so I had to miss the flight too.
That is an odd coincidence,
but I wouldn't ascribe
too much meaning to it.
Well, then I was supposed
to be on that Sully flight too.
-Okay.
-And Amelia Earhart
is my great-grandmother!
And I am also related
to the Hindenburgs
by some distant uncle sort of way.
So, do you understand
why I didn't want to come?
I mean, one can only escape
the Grim Reaper so many times.
Guess that means
we're all going to fucking die.
Carr, do you want a pill
to calm you down?
I don't want
your fucking opioid bloat.
You know what?
I'm going to get another drink.
And, in fact, I think
all of us should have a drink.
How's this for an idea?
Why don't we all play a game
to calm ourselves down, alright?
Would you like me
to take your coat, Ms. Ronson?
As a descendant
of the Mayflower Pilgrims,
I was raised playing
a little game called Niceties.
Now, in Niceties,
go around the room,
and each person says
one nice thing about each other.
No, I got one more.
In my family, playing Niceties
always defused all the battles
about acreage allotments,
and estates, and
Yeah, it was a balm.
It always ended with a smile.
Thank you, darling.
-So, I'll start.
-Okay, let's do it.
Alright.
Allura, you are
a lionhearted trailblazer.
And you're like a daughter to me.
Dina, you're going
to make me cry.
Excuse you.
-I'm really sorry.
-Alright.
When I get nervous,
sometimes I have gas.
Alright.
Okay, I shall continue.
Emerald
you make me feel safe.
I've never known anyone so nurturing
and fiercely protective
at the same time.
That is too damn sweet, Dina.
Thank you.
Liberty, your vulnerability
is your strength.
Why you are such
an incredible lawyer
is because you're a real person.
-Mm.
-Mm, thank you, Dina.
My love for you
is as real as I am.
And Carr
I know that, deep down,
you're a good person.
Thanks.
-Yes.
-Let's cheers to Dina.
The most wonderful,
most generous person.
And I love you
for those qualities.
-Bottoms up.
-Salud.
-Salud.
-Cheers, everyone, cheers.
-Carr.
-Yeah.
Why don't you go next?
Okay, uh,
who should I start with?
Your choice, darling.
Well, it's hard to do.
Uh, okay, Allura.
Something nice.
I like your veneers.
I don't have veneers.
Your teeth are not real.
And you look like you have
a mouthful of acrylic nails.
And, Emerald, I think your BBL
was a total success.
You think this isn't my real ass?
I think you went to an upholster
and told them to stuff
this couch the fuck up
is what I think.
But, you know, why the fuck not?
You need to learn how
to receive a compliment.
She doesn't know
how to play the game.
-Wow.
-And Liberty
it's an achievement
how pale you are.
Like a grotesque deep-sea fish
defiantly protesting the sun.
You know, I have a sudden urge
to smash your smug face in.
That part.
And, Dina, I admire
how you've let yourself age.
When I look at your face,
I am reminded
of the Grand Canyon.
And that was a great trip for me,
so thank you for that.
Oh, I think I just shit my pants.
Can we get some napkins?
Why don't we just play
a game of UNO?
Oh, I love UNO.
Fuck yes!
Let's play UNO, alright?
One, two, get down ♪
-Allura, you're stalling.
-What are you doing?!
Paid the cost
to be the boss ♪
Okay.
Paid the cost
to be the boss ♪
-UNO and out!
-Oh, well.
Oh.
Here's to you,.
See?
A game was in order.
Games are calming.
And Carr's much better now.
Ohh.
UNO and out!
And out!
And out!
You see a bad mother ♪
I think this might hurt a little bit.
Finally!
Finally.
Draw four. Draw four.
Take it. Eat it.
-Bite it!
-UNO
-Oh, my God.
-and out.
-You cheat.
-She's cheating.
-You see a bad mother ♪
-I mean, that's only right.
-Oh, my Lord.
-Losers.
Alright, let's play again.
Another round. Another round.
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
-Play.
-Oh.
UNO
and out, bitches.
What?! Fuck this!
You cheat.
-Check the body! Check the body!
-Don't touch me.
I don't want to be touched
by a gay lady.
It's statistically impossible.
Told you so ♪
Do you smell something?
-Is something burning?
-What? The fireplace?
Yeah, there's a fireplace, Allura.
It doesn't matter.
Just cut the cards again.
Let's go.
I smell something.
I'm ready.
And then I want another drink.
I don't want to play any more
I'm with, I'm with Emerald.
Yeah, well, it's gone out anyway.
The left engine's on fire.
-Motherfucker!
-What?
Oh, it's okay, it's okay.
Shit.
We're going to be okay.
We can safely fly on one engine.
Why would an engine catch fire?
It could be electrical.
Could have been a bird.
I'll be right back.
Oh, of course, it was a bird.
Why "of course"?
Because I was supposed to be
on that roller coaster with Fabio
when he got hit in the face.
Okay, now you just
making shit up, Carr.
There's no such thing as
"supposed to have been
on a roller coaster."
Is anything coming out
of that tight
asshole mouth of yours even true?
-It is all true.
-It's not true!
I am fucking cursed,
and you are all
going down with me!
Oh, no, no!
The second engine's on fire!
This is the captain.
Ladies, I need you
back to your seats with
-your seatbelts on.
-Okay, move.
-Okay.
-Move it! Move it!
Go. Move it!
Fucking move out of my way!
-Are you okay?
-Oh, man.
I always thought
you would all die before me,
and I was comforted by that
Alright, we need to prepare
for a crash landing.
-What?!
-The closest airport's Las Vegas.
How do we fly
without the engines?
The pilot can coast
all the way there
as long as we have power
to communicate with air control.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, God.
Oh, God.
-The lights just went out.
-We just lost power!
-Oh, my God. Okay.
-I need a drink.
My boys.
I'm going to call them.
No, no, no, no, no power.
No signal.
I'm going to leave them
a video message.
Hey. Hey, babies.
Um, if you are getting this
it means Mama didn't make it
off this plane alive.
I want you to know
that I am so proud
of the young men
that you have become.
And I want you to do me a favor.
If you have girls,
you treat them like queens.
You let them know
what they are worth.
And you send them
out into this world
and make it a better place.
You hear me?
I love you.
And I will always be with you.
Well, that was really sweet,
Emerald, but futile.
Because when our plane crashes,
your phone is just going
to shatter into a thousand pieces.
-Jesus Christ, Carr!
-Ugh, so dark.
You're a mother.
Don't you want to leave
a video for Amabel?
Yes, of course, I do.
But I don't know how to do that.
I love my daughter
more than anything in this world.
But that, I don't know how to do.
-Just speak from your heart.
-My heart?
I don't know
what the fuck that is.
Uh
Amabel
the WiFi code is "winner"
okay?
Uh, bye-bye forever.
Carr.
I really love you, kid.
Oh, but, listen. If they try
to get you to identify my body,
you just tell them fucking no.
Because I'm going to look
like a pile of red Jell-O.
Shh.
Alright, everybody.
-We're not going to make it to Vegas.
-Oh, my God.
We'll have to make
the desert our landing strip.
We're about 12 minutes out.
Oh, God, this is it.
This is fucking it.
This is it, okay?
-Liberty, are you okay?
-Yes, I'm fine.
I'm-I'm-I'm just praying
to the rosary
as best as I can remember it.
I just
Blessed are you among women,
and blessed is the fruit
And the fruit, the fruit
-Fruit of the loom? Is that it?
-Oh, my God. Amen.
-Oh, fuck
-Amen.
-I can't remember it.
-Just amen.
Dina, why are you so fucking calm?
Well, I-I-I'm, I'm, I'm alright.
I, I don't have many regrets.
I've lived a full life.
I had a wonderful marriage.
I made great money.
And I have the best friends
a woman could ever want.
And if this is my time to go,
then it's my time to go.
And I'm just, um, you know,
clearing my calendar on my phone,
uh, through the end of the year
because I just feel
it's the right thing to do.
Really? No regrets?
I don't buy it.
Well, I do have a regret.
And I want to be fully transparent
with all of you.
I've, I've been dating someone.
-What?
-Dina, that's fantastic!
A 29-year-old.
Wait a minute.
You You are sexing a 20-something?
Well, it's not to that point yet,
though, I've been sorely tempted
to go over that threshold.
But I have been so incredibly vulnerable,
you know?
And I ask myself questions.
Is this just a reaction
to the mourning process?
I mean, maybe.
But we have a genuine connection.
But I just can't imagine
him undressing me
and seeing my, you know,
my stupid
and my soft, crepey skin
-and my knobby knees.
-No.
But he No, he tells me
that I'm beautiful.
And I, and I can tell
that he means it.
So, I just realized how judgmental
and unforgiving I have been
about my own body,
which is such a waste of energy.
So, that is my one regret.
Well, Dina,
you are my absolute idol.
Well, I wouldn't get
too whisked away.
I worry he's after your money.
Yeah, well,
I thought about that, too,
and he is wealthier
than all of us combined.
He is the heir to Keebler.
The cookies?
Yeah, the cookies and the elves.
All that, so
That's, you know,
not what's going on here.
Um
You know, why don't we just
all play "No Regrets"?
-No, not another game.
-Play a game, now?
-Yes.
-Are you insane?
Yes, now.
Especially now.
Let's go around.
And everyone say
one regret in their life
in the spirit of,
of, you know,
clearing your conscience.
-Oh, this is painful.
-Allura, you go first.
Okay, um, my regret is that
I never told Emerald
how much I hate her hats.
-I'm sorry, Em. I-I love you.
-What?
I I've been biting my tongue
for so many years now.
I fucking hate your hats.
Bitch, you got on a durag
and your biggest regret
is that you hate my hats?
The first rule of "No Regrets"
is to not be judgmental
-Right, but
-about everyone else's regrets.
-No judgment.
-Thank you.
-Sorry, but that was very funny.
-Emerald.
My regret, um
is that I lost myself
along the way in life.
Being a mother is not easy.
And you, you put yourself aside
for your family.
And, um
and I felt like I didn't deserve
to come first in my own life,
you know?
That, and
I never let myself
have a big love, you know?
And so, um
I didn't hold space for my dreams.
And there you go.
That's my regret.
That was so beautiful,
what you just said.
And off of that,
I, I want to keep it real too.
My biggest regret is that I've
Just cared too much
about what other people think, you know?
I-I-I, deep down,
knew I was a power lesbian.
I just had to embrace that
and-and-and not be so worried
about being rejected
and ostracized.
And, and-and here I am,
finally authentically myself,
and I may not live
to see that through.
-It's just
-Oh, baby.
Sorry.
Carr, you want to share?
Uh
Uh
Um
I have a hard time with people.
I don't know how to trust.
I don't know why.
It's just molecular.
You know, my, my parents
never loved me.
And I know that
that has made me
difficult.
But I-I don't know why
everyone feels the need
to be so cruel to me,
especially when I never strike first.
And I just can't seem to escape
this cycle that I'm in.
You know, and I want to be free.
Like you, Liberty.
I, I am actually proud
of you for being brave.
And I want to be brave like that.
Because I have also had urges
and feelings for women.
And I should have tried some things.
Like eating out another woman.
That sounds liberating.
That sounds freeing.
Really, Carr, is that true?
Yes, yes. It's true.
And not just taking the piss?
I, I don't know what that means
'cause I don't have to pee right now
-while I'm about to die, actually.
-Okay, it's just an English expression.
-Never mind. Sorry.
-Well, anyway.
All I'm saying is that
those are my big regrets.
The way I
Well, the way I've treated all of you.
And that I never tried scissoring.
Thank you for your apology, Carr.
Oh, shit!
Oh, that was a big one.
Oh, God.
Ohh!
Oh, God! Help us, help us, Lord!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, God, help us!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Wh?
The lights are back on!
What?
The power is back on, guys!
Oh, thank you, Lord!
-You guys, you guys
-Thank you, Lord.
-The power!
-Thank you, Lord.
How is that even possible?
I mean, it's practically unheard of
to lose both engines and power.
How did we get them back?
Uh, I knew we were
at the right altitude
to initiate Ram Air Turbine
and self-generate enough power
to communicate with air control.
-You recommended that?
-Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Damn good hire, Allura.
Jesus, I'm calling my boys.
Guys
for a minute there,
I thought we weren't
going to make it.
Come here.
Oh, yes.
-Come on.
-You too, Carr.
Come on.
-You know, you are a good person.
-We all made it through together.
She is a good person.
Oh, I love my girls.
-Thank you, Lord.
-I love you so much.
Still among the living, I see.
I won't be taking that
for granted anytime soon.
Strange.
To escape death
only to litigate a doodle.
Kind of makes you think.
Hmm.
Right.
What are you doing?
I am, uh, trying something new.
You're going to confuse the clients.
Oh, they were confused
long before we got here.
And, besides,
Davidson is out sick,
so we can make our own rules.
So, what does one do
with a second chance?
Oh, hell if I know.
But I do know that cunty
isn't really working
for me anymore.
So, I'll have to find
something else.
Mm.
The Kellers are here.
Oh, yay.
Send them in, please.
Sit wherever you like, please.
So, we just need to resolve
the issue of Herbert's custody.
-He's dead.
-What?
Vestibular disease.
He wobbled off the curb,
and then he got hit by a
It was a suicide.
-What?
-Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
He threw himself
in front of a semi
to get away from his abuser.
Shut the fuck up,
you lying sack of shit!
-You shut up!
-Okay, alright.
Alright. Alright.
Everybody, calm down.
Let's just cut to the chase.
If Herbert is no longer with us,
then it seems to me
that the mediation
has resolved itself.
Ah, not so fast.
I am entitled
to half of his ashes.
Oh, the hell you are.
The crematorium
is sending them to me.
Well, he shouldn't have
to spend eternity with his abuser.
Oh, shut the fuck up!
It is over. He is gone.
So, just split the goddamn ashes,
sign the goddamn paperwork,
equally divide the Picassos,
for God's sake.
Look, we almost died
in a plane crash yesterday,
so the last thing we want to do
is waste the rest
of our lives on this.
Agreed.
You're both fired.
Well, that wasn't very lawyerly.
Yeah, one star Yelp review at best.
We were on a plane without engines.
I think we can take
a one-star hit.
Yeah.
So, how are you really?
Honestly, I have no idea.
I just keep thinking life's short
and I should be doing something
that actually matters.
But I don't know
what that is yet.
How about you?
Uh
Same.
Bet your girlfriend
is thrilled you're alive.
Ah, yeah.
Not as thrilled as you might think.
She dumped me.
-You're shitting me.
-No, I shit you not.
She said I was too intense.
I tried to explain
what it was like
to think you were about to die,
and she said
she didn't have the "bandwidth."
I might have also suggested
we move in together,
-and I rented a U-Haul.
-Wow. What a lesbo.
In my defense, I did almost die.
Yeah, and fuck her.
Seriously. I'm sure there is
some woman somewhere
who's looking to love
a tightly-wound British control freak.
Well, that's kind of you to say.
I think so.
Right.
Anyway, w
Do you, uh, know of anyone
who might want to go see
Brandi Carlile?
I have a pair of $400 box seats.
Wow. Even gayer.
-Uh, when?
-Uh, next Friday.
Okay.
-"Okay" what?
-I'll go with you.
Really?
Do you even like Brandi Carlile?
I don't know.
I just think it'd be kind of fun
to just be in a stadium
full of women all swaying
to "All the lines across my face."
I mean,
it's either that or I watch
Chase bench-press the furniture.
Right.
Well, but it's not exactly your crowd.
I mean, are you sure
you won't feel out of place?
Uh, how do you know
what my crowd is?
And I'm flexible.
I'm glad you're alive.
You too.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Ms. Standish is ready
to see you now.
Wonderful. Thank you.
I know where I'm going.
Uh, she's actually
not in her office.
I'll escort you to where she is.
Right this way.
Dina.
To what do I owe
the honor of this occasion?
Just a simple 5:30 p.m. dinner.
I know how we both like
an early bird special.
Come sit.
We'll have a little talk.
Blanc De Blanc.
I remember on our first date
how you mentioned
a penchant for
vintage champagne.
So
This is what I'm thinking.
I think you're a wonderful person.
But to be perfectly honest,
I've struggled with this.
I've, I've found it very difficult.
Are you breaking up with me?
-What?
-Is this some sort of formal goodbye?
One last grand gesture
for goodwill's sake?
Oh, no.
Quite the contrary.
This is a toast to you.
I am struck with gratitude.
I think you were meant
to come into my life,
and I don't want
to take it for granted.
Life is short.
And I would like for us
to take this seriously.
What, what do you think?
I think I would like that very much.
-Oh, my.
-Yeah.
A toast to Brody.
I see you.
-Mm-hm.
-I appreciate you.
And I intend to proceed with
with curiosity and an open heart.
Hmm.
Ah.
I don't know about you,
but that brush with death
has got me reexamining life.
I just need to take more risks,
you know, and live more boldly.
I love that resolve, Liberty.
I can't wait to see
where you take it.
-Oh.
-Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I distracting you?
Mm. I know
what you're doing, Emerald.
If what I'm doing is
authentically expressing myself
through extravagant head wear
as an act of sartorial resistance
because you evidently hate
my motherfucking hats,
then, yes, you'd be correct.
Ms. Grant, can I have
a word with you?
Yeah.
-Sure.
-Okay.
-I think it's great.
-Don't.
No, it's just
We found three different men
in those case files
who were public
about their disdain for you.
One
was Jay Wilson
who has since moved
to Europe and remarried,
so I'm ruling him out.
I remember him.
I'm happy to hear he moved on.
Second was Paul Howard
who was very vocal
about you on social media
after his difficult divorce.
I was suspicious of him
until I learned
that he'd taken
his own life last year.
That's terrible.
Which brings me
to the third candidate, Marcus Weller.
Do you remember this man?
The ruling concludes
that Abigail Gray is entitled
to the entirety
of all financial accounts
belonging to Marcus Weller
and sole legal custody
of the children.
This decision is deemed equitable
and is what's ultimately best
for the children.
Good luck to you both.
You fucking bitch!
You let her take
everything from me!
Those are my fucking kids too!
Get the fuck off of me.
You are going to pay for this,
Allura Grant.
I will get you back
if it is the last fucking thing I do.
I do remember him.
His outbursts at our mediation
was one of the most
harrowing moments
of my entire career.
He was unwell.
Well, he's gotten
much worse since then.
His wife took out
a restraining order,
and he was fired from his job
for making threats.
He's become a large presence
in the men's rights community online.
He's obsessive about you
in these forums.
He's unequivocally
erratic and dangerous.
He feels that his divorce
cost him his identity,
his family, his finances,
and his reputation,
so we have to take this
very seriously.
But right now, we can't find him.
He appears to be off the grid.
How much of a threat
can one person actually be?
This man's very capable.
I ordered for an investigation
of the company aircraft.
The fuel lines had been cut.
That is not a mechanical issue.
That is intervention.
He sabotaged the plane?
I mean,
how is that even possible?
It's a private airport
with restricted access.
I have a log of everyone
who was working on that day,
and I have combed through
every surveillance file.
Unfortunately, it's not possible
to identify every face
in the security footage.
Many workers wear face coverings
to protect from gasoline fumes.
I'm in the process of identifying
several obscure faces
from that day.
Okay, so, what should I do?
Live your life
with me at your side.
Uh, good-good evening, Ms. Grant.
Um, I'm taking over
for the-the night shift.
Come on in.
Excuse me.
Would you like a glass?
I don't drink on the job.
Right.
Of course.
So, do you like your job?
I like protecting good people.
I'll take that as a compliment.
Well, I should get some sleep.
I have a big day tomorrow.
If it's comfortable for you,
I'd like to request
that I be stationed near you
during the night shift.
Like you want to share my bed?
I should sleep outside your door.
Mm, I thought you'd never ask.
Stay, baby, stay ♪
Stay ♪
Stay, baby, stay ♪
Say that you love me the best ♪
Say that you want me undressed ♪
Lovers, you run ♪
Always from something ♪
Let me be where you could rest ♪
'Cause I don't ever wanna feel
another fucking way-ay ♪
Hey-ey ♪
I don't ever wanna feel
another fucking way ♪
'Cause I don't ever wanna feel
another fucking way-ay ♪
Hey-ey ♪
I don't ever wanna feel
another fucking way ♪
I can be your dream woman,
dream woman ♪
I can be your dream woman,
dream woman ♪
Dream woman ♪
I can be your dream woman,
dream woman ♪
I got a body ♪
I got a story ♪
You got your dark,
twisted fantasy wrong ♪
If she's sleeping when you call me ♪
In a second, I'm coming for you ♪
Well, I think that does it.
Thirty-five million in assets,
including a vineyard in Napa,
the ranch in Scottsdale,
and four Picassos
to be divided equally.
-I think we're done.
-Not so fast.
My client now seeks
full custody of Herbert,
a 15-year-old Goldendoodle.
Go fuck yourself,
you soulless piece of shit.
Okay, we-we agreed
on joint custody for the dog.
It's right there on page two.
Well, that was before new concerns
about the dog's welfare.
You know what I'm talking about,
you sick twisted bitch.
My client believes
that your relationship
with the dog has become too
intimate.
Oh, please.
He's just jealous
because Herbie loves me more.
-Oh.
-He alleges the use
of Erewhon extra crunchy peanut butter
to facilitate intimacy
between you and the dog.
I'm sorry. What?
Your client has been
smearing peanut butter
all over her va-hee-na
and encouraging
the dog to lick it off.
Oh.
Say something, for Christ's sakes.
-Yeah, I'm sorry. I, I
-Jesus!
My throat is itchy.
What?
You got a peanut allergy?
This is not something
that you can bring up
last minute in a mediation.
Oh, I understand that,
given your recent awakening,
you may have
a more expansive view of intimacy.
But, for most of us,
we consider that animal abuse.
That's textbook homophobia.
Another reason why she should've
been disbarred years ago.
Do you have any proof of this?
But of course I do.
His veterinarian cites
behavioral changes,
including greeting women nose first.
And not to mention,
a recent sharp increase
in Herbie's cholesterol.
Okay, is there a name
of this alleged veterinarian?
No, he won't be testifying,
citing, uh, vet-client confidentiality.
But that's not a thing,
and you know it.
Yeah, but you know what?
Herbie can't testify, can he?
Herbie can't say no.
Okay, Your Honor.
Opposing counsel
is hardly an authority
on human-animal boundaries.
Do you know
she once stayed in bed for days
playing with her dead pussy?
I wish you wouldn't talk
about your private parts that way.
I really wish you wouldn't.
I mean, you can smell the peanut butter
in the room, can't you?
Stop.
I feel a bit faint.
If I survive today,
I'll set another date.
In the meantime, joint custody
-Oh, come on.
-What?
Remains in place
pending actual evidence of abuse.
We'll circle back on this.
And if we could do it
in Zoom next time, please.
I do have a peanut allergy.
Oh, fuck.
I should've wore pants.
Feel a little sticky?
You know what?
You can go fuck yourself too.
-Don't you wish?
-Yeah, actually, I do after this divorce.
Oh, wow. You really know how
to take it to a new low, don't you?
Well, she didn't deny it, did she?
Look, Liberty,
my client has
a lifelong passion for art.
And yours a,
a newfound one for dog tricks.
We take the Picassos,
and the words
"peanut butter" disappear.
Yeah, nice try.
Unfortunately,
no proof, no Picassos.
Alright?
So let me know when you've got
some real proof, darling.
Charcoal pearls,
chlorophyll drops,
colloidal silver capsules,
and a Lymphatic Drainage
Turmeric latte.
You forgot "eye of newt."
Alright, y'all. I am here.
What did I miss?
We're just having
a little exorcism.
Let me get this straight.
Cedars saves your life,
pumps you full of antivenom,
and you're drinking something
that smells like my boys after practice?
That scorpion
has moved on with his life,
and you still sitting here detoxing?
Scorpions. Plural.
And those little fuckers
just didn't walk
right into my purse on their own.
-Okay.
-Exactly.
And now that
you're feeling better,
we have to figure out
who the hell put them in there.
Well, let's see.
Uh, 300 guests, 50 staff,
and I don't think
any of the husbands
that I've ruined were on the list.
Seriously, Allura.
We don't take chances with this.
No, we do not.
And you will not walk around
unprotected another day.
-Not on my watch.
-Agreed.
Look, I'm meeting with a guy
from a protection agency today.
Special Ops,
former Secret Service, top tier.
Trust me, I did my homework.
Good.
Now, before we disperse,
I need to discuss
the matter of Doug's ashes.
This is a very personal trip for me.
I want you all to be there.
Not everyone in this firm
is family to me,
but you're my girls.
And together,
we're the fearsome four.
Hey.
And you've been my family,
at my side, all these years.
We wanted to make sure
we kept you stress-free,
so we planned everything.
Yep, that's exactly right.
We land at Martha's Vineyard.
We say farewell to Doug
at Gay Head.
Then, we toast at Atria,
home of the best
lobster rolls in the world.
Well, that's lovely.
I'm sure you've thought of everything,
but I am going to
throw a little curveball your way.
Now, look,
what happened at the ball
was entirely my fault.
If I hadn't slapped Carr
-Oh, whoa.
-Oh, no.
Wait a minute.
I know you are not
dragging that woman
and her chaos on that plane.
I flat-out can't do it.
I cannot do Carr at 30,000 feet.
I just can't.
Dina, sooner or later,
you're going to have
to accept the fact
that some people
just can't be saved.
-Ding, ding, ding.
-Come on, Dina.
Why can't you see crazy
when it's doing cartwheels
right in front of you?
I know there's good in her.
When I lost Doug,
she stayed with me through the wake,
through all of it.
I just don't feel right
excluding her from his burial.
She's prepared to apologize,
in writing, and make amends.
Oh, God.
You can't ask me
to spend six hours
in the same cabin as the woman
who called me
a "carpet-munching cunt in a cape."
You don't understand now,
someday you will.
If you're the one
that everyone looks up to,
you don't get to decide
who deserves grace.
Well, I say give her all the grace
you want to give her.
Just don't sit her next to me.
This is my husband's burial.
This is what I choose.
I can't force you to come.
I am not leaving without her.
This Fatwa has gone on long enough.
It stops here, and it stops now.
Fuck, we're not
going to let you scatter
Doug's ashes without us.
But we will have to check a bitch
for scorpions
before she boards the plane.
That part.
Ding, ding, ding.
Miss Standish, your smoothie.
Oh, packed with collagen.
Oh, God.
The lies we tell ourselves.
And Ms. Grant,
your noon meeting is here.
Thank you, Latanya.
Alright, later, ladies.
I'm going to go meet
a man about my safety.
And if you don't mind,
I'm going to join you.
Excuse me?
I understand you have questions
about my judgment.
But I have questions
about your taste in men.
She makes a good point.
-Okay, okay.
-She told you!
Okay, fuck off.
Ouch. Zing!
Do you always leave
your office unsecured?
Do you always enter
into other people's offices uninvited?
Usually.
No gatekeeper. No lock.
No one watching the door.
Yeah, these people work for me.
Uh-huh.
Just like the figure outside your house
was just out for a stroll
in the moonlight.
Excuse me,
aren't you Dina Standish?
Yes. How did you
I worked for your husband's
studio, years ago.
I was sorry
to hear of his passing.
He was a good guy.
Thank you. He was.
So, Ms. Grant, Ms. Standish,
why don't you take a seat
while I ask you a few questions?
I'm sorry, but isn't it my job
to ask you the questions?
I believe I'm doing the hiring.
Ms. Grant,
if we are to work together,
and I'm not saying we are,
you're going to have to relinquish
your position of authority
and do what I say when I say
if you want to stay alive.
Hmm?
So, when you saw that man
outside your new home,
why didn't you hire protection then?
I didn't think it was necessary.
-Were you scared?
-Yes, but
But you ignored your fear.
You told yourself
you were overreacting.
And then you wound up
with a bag full of lethal scorpions.
Your fear is never unfounded.
It's your body's way of surviving.
Fear is your best friend.
And you have to learn to trust it.
You cannot be afraid
of being afraid.
Got it?
I pulled your cases.
Filings, verdicts, settlements.
These are men who lost everything
in divorce cases you supervised.
There are many.
So, you're building a suspect list
based off of headlines and filings?
I don't know whether
to be impressed or alarmed.
So, here's the deal.
We bring in a private investigator.
I coordinate with law enforcement,
but we don't wait on them.
We investigate
and catch this person
who wants you dead.
And as we do that,
you get 24-hour protection,
day and night.
So, what would that look like?
Looks like me staying in your house.
Or, sometimes, my partner.
You'll like her.
Ms. Grant, before coming here,
I was trained in Rio.
Elite tactical.
Cartels, kidnappings, kill jobs.
That's where you learn
what fear is for
and when to trust it.
With me in your house,
you get to live your life worry-free
because, 24/7, I got you.
Mr. Ortiz
I'm going to leave the two of you
to continue this discussion.
In the end,
it's your decision to make.
Thank you for your kind words
about my husband.
Oh, my honor, Ms. Standish.
He was a standup guy.
-Oh. Oh.
-Oh.
Oh, I'm so sorry!
It's no problem.
No-No problem.
-Oh, that I'm so Oh, dear.
-No, no, no, no problem.
-It's okay.
-Can we get someone to help you?
-No, no, no. I'm okay. I'm okay.
-Oh, God.
I'm so s Um
Oh, I
I just run this
under some cold water.
-The bathroom's over
-I know.
Well, I don't know about you,
but I'm impressed.
-Hello, Ms. Ronson.
-Hello, darling.
Oh. First one here, as usual.
Champagne, Ms. Ronson?
Oh, and why not?
Just a teeny splash.
-Hey, Em.
-Hey
And, Ms. Grant,
I'll be here in the back.
Get over here and don't act like
you don't see me looking at you.
That is a fine
Tomahawk steak of a man.
If you don't ride that ride,
my Black ass will, okay?
-Are you crazy?
-Okay.
I'm not about to sleep
with my own bodyguard.
-Why?
-If I've learned one thing
from watching
that Whitney Houston movie,
it's that sleeping
with your bodyguard never works out.
I can't make
another bad decision.
The Chase thing
is just too painful.
And I can't lose myself
like that again.
Ladies, we have to be
wheels up in five minutes.
I can't hold up
the runway much longer.
Okay, we're still waiting
on one passenger.
After all our peace negotiations,
I hope she makes
the effort to show up.
Well, I'd hate
to take off without her,
but I do think we should listen
to the captain's wishes,
don't you?
You know you don't
want to be sitting
on this plane for six hours
with that sulky Irish Setter
with the blood-stained lips.
Oh, that's rich
coming from someone
who looks like a pit bull
that's been vacuum sealed
into shape wear.
Unfortunately,
we're all here now, captain.
No, ah, ah, ah, ah. No.
I made a deal with Carr.
We do not lift off
until she apologizes.
If we are going to spend
the next six hours
in this plane together,
we need assurance
that you can be trusted
so we can all move forward.
Carr.
I wrote this with my shrink,
and she said it was
the best I could do.
"To whom it may concern"
"If anyone made the choice
to be offended
"by my behavior
at the Scorpion Ball,
"I hope that you learn
to give yourself what you need
"rather than seek it from me.
"Life is too short
for disagreements,
"so I advise that
you endure my actions
"with a smile
and a tip of the hat.
"And now that I have
absolved myself,
"it is your turn
to apologize for the ways
"in which you
have been manipulative,
"disingenuous,
and impossible to accept.
"Please provide specifics.
"All the best, Carrington Lane.
Dictated but not read."
If you showed up
looking for an apology from us,
I think I can speak
for the group and say,
"You're never going to get it."
When are you
going to learn, Carr?
You're the fucking problem.
Okay, I see.
Well, fine.
If that is how you want to be,
then I suggest you buckle up.
We're about to have
a bumpy flight.
Enough. All of you. Just stop it.
If we cannot embrace kindness
or contrition on this flight,
we are not going
to engage at all.
Carr.
That was your apology?
That's the best you can do?
You made me a promise.
I'm disappointed in you.
If you can't play nice,
then just go sit in a corner.
Aye aye, mommy dearest.
Well, now that we have
all of that settled
Would you like me
to take your coat?
Uh, yeah.
Can I get you a water or a coffee?
Uh, you could get me
a Triple Bloody Mary
with a rum floater.
And serve it warm.
Whoa, don't you think it's too early
to be drinking like that?
Uh, I'm a bad flyer, Emerald.
So, I need a drink.
Here you go.
If you need it, Dina.
-Hi.
-Hello, Ms. Lane.
I'm hanging on by a thread, so
Thank you.
'Kay.
Oh, sh
-Oh.
-Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Why would you
have that right there?
'Cause I'm working!
Oh, God. Here we go.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
-Here we go. Here we go.
-Get a grip, Carr.
Is this your first time
in a plane?
I told you, I am a bad flyer.
Okay, just think of it
as the air is jelly
and the plane is safely
wobbling about inside of it.
It's-It's nothing to worry about.
It's just potholes in the sky.
Yeah, well,
you would be jumpy too
if you'd been through
the things I've been through.
Shocking things.
Things you would be floored
to learn about.
Alright, fine.
I'll take the bait.
What have you been through, Carr?
Oh, my God.
Where do I even start?
What about the fact
that I almost died in 9/11?
-Really? Is that true?
-It's 100% true.
What do you mean "almost died"?
I mean, I almost died.
I was supposed to be
on one of the planes.
I had taken myself to Boston
to celebrate my 30
25th birthday by taking myself
on a, uh, solo pub crawl
along the Freedom Trail,
which had been
a childhood dream of mine.
But I woke up so hungover,
and I missed
my flight back to New York.
Paging passenger Mark Wahlberg.
The boarding door is now closed.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
You can't close the door!
I'm supposed to be on that flight!
Ma'am, relax.
We'll get you on the next flight out.
No, this is the worst thing
that could ever happen
to someone.
I will never forget this day.
May 9/11 forever be known
as the day
the airlines failed me!
I think you'll survive.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, I'm going to need
security over here.
Ma'am, now you're not
getting on any flights.
Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am,
ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.
That's not going to get you
anywhere you want to go.
Dick.
And, uh
I mean, to this day,
I feel like I am living
on borrowed time.
Take it as a sign
that you're meant to live, Carr.
Well, and then I was supposed
to be on that Malaysia flight.
The one that
mysteriously disappeared?
Yeah.
I was flying Kuala Lumpur
to Beijing to visit my sister.
That is not the point.
What the point is,
is that she slept in
and missed the flight,
so I had to miss the flight too.
That is an odd coincidence,
but I wouldn't ascribe
too much meaning to it.
Well, then I was supposed
to be on that Sully flight too.
-Okay.
-And Amelia Earhart
is my great-grandmother!
And I am also related
to the Hindenburgs
by some distant uncle sort of way.
So, do you understand
why I didn't want to come?
I mean, one can only escape
the Grim Reaper so many times.
Guess that means
we're all going to fucking die.
Carr, do you want a pill
to calm you down?
I don't want
your fucking opioid bloat.
You know what?
I'm going to get another drink.
And, in fact, I think
all of us should have a drink.
How's this for an idea?
Why don't we all play a game
to calm ourselves down, alright?
Would you like me
to take your coat, Ms. Ronson?
As a descendant
of the Mayflower Pilgrims,
I was raised playing
a little game called Niceties.
Now, in Niceties,
go around the room,
and each person says
one nice thing about each other.
No, I got one more.
In my family, playing Niceties
always defused all the battles
about acreage allotments,
and estates, and
Yeah, it was a balm.
It always ended with a smile.
Thank you, darling.
-So, I'll start.
-Okay, let's do it.
Alright.
Allura, you are
a lionhearted trailblazer.
And you're like a daughter to me.
Dina, you're going
to make me cry.
Excuse you.
-I'm really sorry.
-Alright.
When I get nervous,
sometimes I have gas.
Alright.
Okay, I shall continue.
Emerald
you make me feel safe.
I've never known anyone so nurturing
and fiercely protective
at the same time.
That is too damn sweet, Dina.
Thank you.
Liberty, your vulnerability
is your strength.
Why you are such
an incredible lawyer
is because you're a real person.
-Mm.
-Mm, thank you, Dina.
My love for you
is as real as I am.
And Carr
I know that, deep down,
you're a good person.
Thanks.
-Yes.
-Let's cheers to Dina.
The most wonderful,
most generous person.
And I love you
for those qualities.
-Bottoms up.
-Salud.
-Salud.
-Cheers, everyone, cheers.
-Carr.
-Yeah.
Why don't you go next?
Okay, uh,
who should I start with?
Your choice, darling.
Well, it's hard to do.
Uh, okay, Allura.
Something nice.
I like your veneers.
I don't have veneers.
Your teeth are not real.
And you look like you have
a mouthful of acrylic nails.
And, Emerald, I think your BBL
was a total success.
You think this isn't my real ass?
I think you went to an upholster
and told them to stuff
this couch the fuck up
is what I think.
But, you know, why the fuck not?
You need to learn how
to receive a compliment.
She doesn't know
how to play the game.
-Wow.
-And Liberty
it's an achievement
how pale you are.
Like a grotesque deep-sea fish
defiantly protesting the sun.
You know, I have a sudden urge
to smash your smug face in.
That part.
And, Dina, I admire
how you've let yourself age.
When I look at your face,
I am reminded
of the Grand Canyon.
And that was a great trip for me,
so thank you for that.
Oh, I think I just shit my pants.
Can we get some napkins?
Why don't we just play
a game of UNO?
Oh, I love UNO.
Fuck yes!
Let's play UNO, alright?
One, two, get down ♪
-Allura, you're stalling.
-What are you doing?!
Paid the cost
to be the boss ♪
Okay.
Paid the cost
to be the boss ♪
-UNO and out!
-Oh, well.
Oh.
Here's to you,.
See?
A game was in order.
Games are calming.
And Carr's much better now.
Ohh.
UNO and out!
And out!
And out!
You see a bad mother ♪
I think this might hurt a little bit.
Finally!
Finally.
Draw four. Draw four.
Take it. Eat it.
-Bite it!
-UNO
-Oh, my God.
-and out.
-You cheat.
-She's cheating.
-You see a bad mother ♪
-I mean, that's only right.
-Oh, my Lord.
-Losers.
Alright, let's play again.
Another round. Another round.
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
-Play.
-Oh.
UNO
and out, bitches.
What?! Fuck this!
You cheat.
-Check the body! Check the body!
-Don't touch me.
I don't want to be touched
by a gay lady.
It's statistically impossible.
Told you so ♪
Do you smell something?
-Is something burning?
-What? The fireplace?
Yeah, there's a fireplace, Allura.
It doesn't matter.
Just cut the cards again.
Let's go.
I smell something.
I'm ready.
And then I want another drink.
I don't want to play any more
I'm with, I'm with Emerald.
Yeah, well, it's gone out anyway.
The left engine's on fire.
-Motherfucker!
-What?
Oh, it's okay, it's okay.
Shit.
We're going to be okay.
We can safely fly on one engine.
Why would an engine catch fire?
It could be electrical.
Could have been a bird.
I'll be right back.
Oh, of course, it was a bird.
Why "of course"?
Because I was supposed to be
on that roller coaster with Fabio
when he got hit in the face.
Okay, now you just
making shit up, Carr.
There's no such thing as
"supposed to have been
on a roller coaster."
Is anything coming out
of that tight
asshole mouth of yours even true?
-It is all true.
-It's not true!
I am fucking cursed,
and you are all
going down with me!
Oh, no, no!
The second engine's on fire!
This is the captain.
Ladies, I need you
back to your seats with
-your seatbelts on.
-Okay, move.
-Okay.
-Move it! Move it!
Go. Move it!
Fucking move out of my way!
-Are you okay?
-Oh, man.
I always thought
you would all die before me,
and I was comforted by that
Alright, we need to prepare
for a crash landing.
-What?!
-The closest airport's Las Vegas.
How do we fly
without the engines?
The pilot can coast
all the way there
as long as we have power
to communicate with air control.
-Oh, my God.
-Oh, God.
Oh, God.
-The lights just went out.
-We just lost power!
-Oh, my God. Okay.
-I need a drink.
My boys.
I'm going to call them.
No, no, no, no, no power.
No signal.
I'm going to leave them
a video message.
Hey. Hey, babies.
Um, if you are getting this
it means Mama didn't make it
off this plane alive.
I want you to know
that I am so proud
of the young men
that you have become.
And I want you to do me a favor.
If you have girls,
you treat them like queens.
You let them know
what they are worth.
And you send them
out into this world
and make it a better place.
You hear me?
I love you.
And I will always be with you.
Well, that was really sweet,
Emerald, but futile.
Because when our plane crashes,
your phone is just going
to shatter into a thousand pieces.
-Jesus Christ, Carr!
-Ugh, so dark.
You're a mother.
Don't you want to leave
a video for Amabel?
Yes, of course, I do.
But I don't know how to do that.
I love my daughter
more than anything in this world.
But that, I don't know how to do.
-Just speak from your heart.
-My heart?
I don't know
what the fuck that is.
Uh
Amabel
the WiFi code is "winner"
okay?
Uh, bye-bye forever.
Carr.
I really love you, kid.
Oh, but, listen. If they try
to get you to identify my body,
you just tell them fucking no.
Because I'm going to look
like a pile of red Jell-O.
Shh.
Alright, everybody.
-We're not going to make it to Vegas.
-Oh, my God.
We'll have to make
the desert our landing strip.
We're about 12 minutes out.
Oh, God, this is it.
This is fucking it.
This is it, okay?
-Liberty, are you okay?
-Yes, I'm fine.
I'm-I'm-I'm just praying
to the rosary
as best as I can remember it.
I just
Blessed are you among women,
and blessed is the fruit
And the fruit, the fruit
-Fruit of the loom? Is that it?
-Oh, my God. Amen.
-Oh, fuck
-Amen.
-I can't remember it.
-Just amen.
Dina, why are you so fucking calm?
Well, I-I-I'm, I'm, I'm alright.
I, I don't have many regrets.
I've lived a full life.
I had a wonderful marriage.
I made great money.
And I have the best friends
a woman could ever want.
And if this is my time to go,
then it's my time to go.
And I'm just, um, you know,
clearing my calendar on my phone,
uh, through the end of the year
because I just feel
it's the right thing to do.
Really? No regrets?
I don't buy it.
Well, I do have a regret.
And I want to be fully transparent
with all of you.
I've, I've been dating someone.
-What?
-Dina, that's fantastic!
A 29-year-old.
Wait a minute.
You You are sexing a 20-something?
Well, it's not to that point yet,
though, I've been sorely tempted
to go over that threshold.
But I have been so incredibly vulnerable,
you know?
And I ask myself questions.
Is this just a reaction
to the mourning process?
I mean, maybe.
But we have a genuine connection.
But I just can't imagine
him undressing me
and seeing my, you know,
my stupid
and my soft, crepey skin
-and my knobby knees.
-No.
But he No, he tells me
that I'm beautiful.
And I, and I can tell
that he means it.
So, I just realized how judgmental
and unforgiving I have been
about my own body,
which is such a waste of energy.
So, that is my one regret.
Well, Dina,
you are my absolute idol.
Well, I wouldn't get
too whisked away.
I worry he's after your money.
Yeah, well,
I thought about that, too,
and he is wealthier
than all of us combined.
He is the heir to Keebler.
The cookies?
Yeah, the cookies and the elves.
All that, so
That's, you know,
not what's going on here.
Um
You know, why don't we just
all play "No Regrets"?
-No, not another game.
-Play a game, now?
-Yes.
-Are you insane?
Yes, now.
Especially now.
Let's go around.
And everyone say
one regret in their life
in the spirit of,
of, you know,
clearing your conscience.
-Oh, this is painful.
-Allura, you go first.
Okay, um, my regret is that
I never told Emerald
how much I hate her hats.
-I'm sorry, Em. I-I love you.
-What?
I I've been biting my tongue
for so many years now.
I fucking hate your hats.
Bitch, you got on a durag
and your biggest regret
is that you hate my hats?
The first rule of "No Regrets"
is to not be judgmental
-Right, but
-about everyone else's regrets.
-No judgment.
-Thank you.
-Sorry, but that was very funny.
-Emerald.
My regret, um
is that I lost myself
along the way in life.
Being a mother is not easy.
And you, you put yourself aside
for your family.
And, um
and I felt like I didn't deserve
to come first in my own life,
you know?
That, and
I never let myself
have a big love, you know?
And so, um
I didn't hold space for my dreams.
And there you go.
That's my regret.
That was so beautiful,
what you just said.
And off of that,
I, I want to keep it real too.
My biggest regret is that I've
Just cared too much
about what other people think, you know?
I-I-I, deep down,
knew I was a power lesbian.
I just had to embrace that
and-and-and not be so worried
about being rejected
and ostracized.
And, and-and here I am,
finally authentically myself,
and I may not live
to see that through.
-It's just
-Oh, baby.
Sorry.
Carr, you want to share?
Uh
Uh
Um
I have a hard time with people.
I don't know how to trust.
I don't know why.
It's just molecular.
You know, my, my parents
never loved me.
And I know that
that has made me
difficult.
But I-I don't know why
everyone feels the need
to be so cruel to me,
especially when I never strike first.
And I just can't seem to escape
this cycle that I'm in.
You know, and I want to be free.
Like you, Liberty.
I, I am actually proud
of you for being brave.
And I want to be brave like that.
Because I have also had urges
and feelings for women.
And I should have tried some things.
Like eating out another woman.
That sounds liberating.
That sounds freeing.
Really, Carr, is that true?
Yes, yes. It's true.
And not just taking the piss?
I, I don't know what that means
'cause I don't have to pee right now
-while I'm about to die, actually.
-Okay, it's just an English expression.
-Never mind. Sorry.
-Well, anyway.
All I'm saying is that
those are my big regrets.
The way I
Well, the way I've treated all of you.
And that I never tried scissoring.
Thank you for your apology, Carr.
Oh, shit!
Oh, that was a big one.
Oh, God.
Ohh!
Oh, God! Help us, help us, Lord!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, God, help us!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Wh?
The lights are back on!
What?
The power is back on, guys!
Oh, thank you, Lord!
-You guys, you guys
-Thank you, Lord.
-The power!
-Thank you, Lord.
How is that even possible?
I mean, it's practically unheard of
to lose both engines and power.
How did we get them back?
Uh, I knew we were
at the right altitude
to initiate Ram Air Turbine
and self-generate enough power
to communicate with air control.
-You recommended that?
-Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Damn good hire, Allura.
Jesus, I'm calling my boys.
Guys
for a minute there,
I thought we weren't
going to make it.
Come here.
Oh, yes.
-Come on.
-You too, Carr.
Come on.
-You know, you are a good person.
-We all made it through together.
She is a good person.
Oh, I love my girls.
-Thank you, Lord.
-I love you so much.
Still among the living, I see.
I won't be taking that
for granted anytime soon.
Strange.
To escape death
only to litigate a doodle.
Kind of makes you think.
Hmm.
Right.
What are you doing?
I am, uh, trying something new.
You're going to confuse the clients.
Oh, they were confused
long before we got here.
And, besides,
Davidson is out sick,
so we can make our own rules.
So, what does one do
with a second chance?
Oh, hell if I know.
But I do know that cunty
isn't really working
for me anymore.
So, I'll have to find
something else.
Mm.
The Kellers are here.
Oh, yay.
Send them in, please.
Sit wherever you like, please.
So, we just need to resolve
the issue of Herbert's custody.
-He's dead.
-What?
Vestibular disease.
He wobbled off the curb,
and then he got hit by a
It was a suicide.
-What?
-Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
He threw himself
in front of a semi
to get away from his abuser.
Shut the fuck up,
you lying sack of shit!
-You shut up!
-Okay, alright.
Alright. Alright.
Everybody, calm down.
Let's just cut to the chase.
If Herbert is no longer with us,
then it seems to me
that the mediation
has resolved itself.
Ah, not so fast.
I am entitled
to half of his ashes.
Oh, the hell you are.
The crematorium
is sending them to me.
Well, he shouldn't have
to spend eternity with his abuser.
Oh, shut the fuck up!
It is over. He is gone.
So, just split the goddamn ashes,
sign the goddamn paperwork,
equally divide the Picassos,
for God's sake.
Look, we almost died
in a plane crash yesterday,
so the last thing we want to do
is waste the rest
of our lives on this.
Agreed.
You're both fired.
Well, that wasn't very lawyerly.
Yeah, one star Yelp review at best.
We were on a plane without engines.
I think we can take
a one-star hit.
Yeah.
So, how are you really?
Honestly, I have no idea.
I just keep thinking life's short
and I should be doing something
that actually matters.
But I don't know
what that is yet.
How about you?
Uh
Same.
Bet your girlfriend
is thrilled you're alive.
Ah, yeah.
Not as thrilled as you might think.
She dumped me.
-You're shitting me.
-No, I shit you not.
She said I was too intense.
I tried to explain
what it was like
to think you were about to die,
and she said
she didn't have the "bandwidth."
I might have also suggested
we move in together,
-and I rented a U-Haul.
-Wow. What a lesbo.
In my defense, I did almost die.
Yeah, and fuck her.
Seriously. I'm sure there is
some woman somewhere
who's looking to love
a tightly-wound British control freak.
Well, that's kind of you to say.
I think so.
Right.
Anyway, w
Do you, uh, know of anyone
who might want to go see
Brandi Carlile?
I have a pair of $400 box seats.
Wow. Even gayer.
-Uh, when?
-Uh, next Friday.
Okay.
-"Okay" what?
-I'll go with you.
Really?
Do you even like Brandi Carlile?
I don't know.
I just think it'd be kind of fun
to just be in a stadium
full of women all swaying
to "All the lines across my face."
I mean,
it's either that or I watch
Chase bench-press the furniture.
Right.
Well, but it's not exactly your crowd.
I mean, are you sure
you won't feel out of place?
Uh, how do you know
what my crowd is?
And I'm flexible.
I'm glad you're alive.
You too.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Ms. Standish is ready
to see you now.
Wonderful. Thank you.
I know where I'm going.
Uh, she's actually
not in her office.
I'll escort you to where she is.
Right this way.
Dina.
To what do I owe
the honor of this occasion?
Just a simple 5:30 p.m. dinner.
I know how we both like
an early bird special.
Come sit.
We'll have a little talk.
Blanc De Blanc.
I remember on our first date
how you mentioned
a penchant for
vintage champagne.
So
This is what I'm thinking.
I think you're a wonderful person.
But to be perfectly honest,
I've struggled with this.
I've, I've found it very difficult.
Are you breaking up with me?
-What?
-Is this some sort of formal goodbye?
One last grand gesture
for goodwill's sake?
Oh, no.
Quite the contrary.
This is a toast to you.
I am struck with gratitude.
I think you were meant
to come into my life,
and I don't want
to take it for granted.
Life is short.
And I would like for us
to take this seriously.
What, what do you think?
I think I would like that very much.
-Oh, my.
-Yeah.
A toast to Brody.
I see you.
-Mm-hm.
-I appreciate you.
And I intend to proceed with
with curiosity and an open heart.
Hmm.
Ah.
I don't know about you,
but that brush with death
has got me reexamining life.
I just need to take more risks,
you know, and live more boldly.
I love that resolve, Liberty.
I can't wait to see
where you take it.
-Oh.
-Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I distracting you?
Mm. I know
what you're doing, Emerald.
If what I'm doing is
authentically expressing myself
through extravagant head wear
as an act of sartorial resistance
because you evidently hate
my motherfucking hats,
then, yes, you'd be correct.
Ms. Grant, can I have
a word with you?
Yeah.
-Sure.
-Okay.
-I think it's great.
-Don't.
No, it's just
We found three different men
in those case files
who were public
about their disdain for you.
One
was Jay Wilson
who has since moved
to Europe and remarried,
so I'm ruling him out.
I remember him.
I'm happy to hear he moved on.
Second was Paul Howard
who was very vocal
about you on social media
after his difficult divorce.
I was suspicious of him
until I learned
that he'd taken
his own life last year.
That's terrible.
Which brings me
to the third candidate, Marcus Weller.
Do you remember this man?
The ruling concludes
that Abigail Gray is entitled
to the entirety
of all financial accounts
belonging to Marcus Weller
and sole legal custody
of the children.
This decision is deemed equitable
and is what's ultimately best
for the children.
Good luck to you both.
You fucking bitch!
You let her take
everything from me!
Those are my fucking kids too!
Get the fuck off of me.
You are going to pay for this,
Allura Grant.
I will get you back
if it is the last fucking thing I do.
I do remember him.
His outbursts at our mediation
was one of the most
harrowing moments
of my entire career.
He was unwell.
Well, he's gotten
much worse since then.
His wife took out
a restraining order,
and he was fired from his job
for making threats.
He's become a large presence
in the men's rights community online.
He's obsessive about you
in these forums.
He's unequivocally
erratic and dangerous.
He feels that his divorce
cost him his identity,
his family, his finances,
and his reputation,
so we have to take this
very seriously.
But right now, we can't find him.
He appears to be off the grid.
How much of a threat
can one person actually be?
This man's very capable.
I ordered for an investigation
of the company aircraft.
The fuel lines had been cut.
That is not a mechanical issue.
That is intervention.
He sabotaged the plane?
I mean,
how is that even possible?
It's a private airport
with restricted access.
I have a log of everyone
who was working on that day,
and I have combed through
every surveillance file.
Unfortunately, it's not possible
to identify every face
in the security footage.
Many workers wear face coverings
to protect from gasoline fumes.
I'm in the process of identifying
several obscure faces
from that day.
Okay, so, what should I do?
Live your life
with me at your side.
Uh, good-good evening, Ms. Grant.
Um, I'm taking over
for the-the night shift.
Come on in.
Excuse me.
Would you like a glass?
I don't drink on the job.
Right.
Of course.
So, do you like your job?
I like protecting good people.
I'll take that as a compliment.
Well, I should get some sleep.
I have a big day tomorrow.
If it's comfortable for you,
I'd like to request
that I be stationed near you
during the night shift.
Like you want to share my bed?
I should sleep outside your door.
Mm, I thought you'd never ask.
Stay, baby, stay ♪
Stay ♪
Stay, baby, stay ♪
Say that you love me the best ♪
Say that you want me undressed ♪
Lovers, you run ♪
Always from something ♪
Let me be where you could rest ♪
'Cause I don't ever wanna feel
another fucking way-ay ♪
Hey-ey ♪
I don't ever wanna feel
another fucking way ♪
'Cause I don't ever wanna feel
another fucking way-ay ♪
Hey-ey ♪
I don't ever wanna feel
another fucking way ♪
I can be your dream woman,
dream woman ♪
I can be your dream woman,
dream woman ♪
Dream woman ♪
I can be your dream woman,
dream woman ♪
I got a body ♪
I got a story ♪
You got your dark,
twisted fantasy wrong ♪
If she's sleeping when you call me ♪
In a second, I'm coming for you ♪