Amandaland (2025) s02e02 Episode Script

1
Is that a sourdough loaf?
Oh, my God,
it's finally happening!
Wow!
Look at this. Hey. How's it going?
It's so Nordic.
I love all the pine.
Mm. This smells exactly
how I imagine Finland feels.
Are you the same
Vantablack as the one in Chiswick?
Yep. That's us. Fantastic.
We were on the same street.
You might remember Hygge Tygge.
Oh, yeah, is that the gift shop?
It was a lifestyle concept shop.
Store.
But, er, yeah, I guess it was
my gift to Chiswick High Road.
God, it's so great to have
a kindred spirit in the locale.
You know, I would be happy
to give Vantablack a pump
on the socials if you like?
I, um, run this little thang
called Senuous?
Cool. Love a local blog, yeah.
It's not a local blog.
Do you want a coffee? Oh!
Gratis, as a thank you.
I'm supposed to be fasting
till 11:00, but, um
..rules are made to be broken.
Thank you!
Also, can I just say?
Big up to a fellow girl-boss.
Yeah. Who runs the world, right?
Jeff Bezos? I was going to say
girls.
Yeah!
Of course.
No, I love a bit of J-Lo.
There you go.
Oh, wow!
Is that a vulva?
It's a coffee bean.
It's a coffee bean. I love it.
Yeah!
I should've got a straw
Aww, hello. Who's this?
Aww, this is Bobby,
my new fur baby. Bobby!
I was feeling a bit lonely
so I went out and got meself a wolf.
I mean, I would've started
with a Jack Russell
or something a bit smaller,
like a hamster.
Well, guys
She came. She saw.
She gentrified.
SoHa just got its first
decent coffee shop.
What about Ron's Coffee Counter?
He thought a cortado
was a make of car, Fi.
No. Vantablack Coffee
is a real boon for SoHa.
I'm just amazed it's
happened so quickly.
As I always said, "If the Amanda
can't go to the coffee,
"the coffee must come
to the Amanda."
So modest. Yeah.
It's quite funny though, yeah?!
Bobby, no! No, Bobby!
Oh! Sorry, sorry!
You've got a fan there, Amanda.
Who's this? Oh, this is Bobby!
Ahh! In't he the cutest?
Ahh, he's lovely!
He slept next to me
all night last night.
Farting away.
Made me realise how much
I miss Della.
Aww. Oh!
Ah! Oh Oh.
Actually, no, thank you, Bobby.
C'mon, Bobby - where's your ball?
Bobby! Where's your ball?
Er, I think
he's found his balls, Fi.
No That's horrid.
Mate! Oi!
What you doing?! Mate!
You can't just drive on here!
What are you doing?
Are you serious? What?! Oh, my God.
Who does that?
Mummy. All right, Felicity!
What are you doing here?
Can't a doting grandmother come to
cheer on her little bear?
Go, Georgie!
Right. Anyone for brunch?
No can do, I'm afraid, Mummy.
I'm doing a bit of pro-bono
for Vantablack.
Promised I'd pop in later
and do some shots for the 'gram.
You can come with if you like,
Mummy, but I will be working.
That's very noble of you, Mands,
helping out a local business.
Well, I just think Harlesden
is crying out for a community hub.
I tell you what it's not crying out
for is a �5 bloody croissant.
"Quoi-sannn" -
and you're paying for the quality.
If you want a bog-standard pastry,
there's always Greggs.
Babe, if you come for Greggs,
you come for me.
I am not coming for Greggs.
OK, well, I'm just saying you
don't have to remortgage your flat
for a coffee, so
Please don't make this
a class war, Abigail.
There's a place in SoHa
for everyone.
I'll go to Vantablacks,
you can go to Greggs.
OK.
Who is this man Gregg and why is
everyone still talking about him?
Anyway - Fi, Mal, brunch?
I'd love to, I've got to go
and look at some sheds. Ugh!
Tell me you're middle-aged without
telling me you're middle-aged.
No - Ned's outgrown his bunk
and the double bed's taken up
his entire room,
so I thought we'd build the shed
together over half term,
to give him some more space.
And where exactly is
this shed going to go?
The end of my garden.
My garden.
No, I'm pretty sure it's my garden.
That's why they call it
a garden flat.
No, they call it a garden flat
because people are too polite
to say you live in my cellar.
Um, I'm trying to get rid
of an old summer house.
You can have it for nothing if you
can be bothered to take it apart.
Ohh! Oh, happy days, yeah.
Absolutely. Cheers.
Well, let's make a plan
after coffee.
Nobody leave without me.
Sounds great.
I'll give you a hand, if you like.
Since when have you been into DIY?
Oh, well, it'd be nice to have some
father-son-stepfather bonding time.
And, y'know, I can learn
from the master.
There's a bottle cap over there.
Oh, leave off.
Bottle cap. Yeah - and that.
So unfair.
Yeah, well, if you can't
do the time, don't do the crime.
What's going on?
I suppose you've all
heard about Anus-gate?
What? I got a phone call
from the school
Yes? ..to say that they caught
Darius sending pictures
of his bumhole on Snapchat.
Oh!
Gross.
It's only a photo
of my clenched fist!
Yes! Which looks remarkably
like your chocolate starfish.
You know, this could very easily
have gone viral.
So, I've taken things
into my own hands.
Have a look,
and feel free to share
the results with your teens.
"Please repost to show my eejit son
how fast things spread online."
Please don't tell me
you've posted that.
Yes, I have -
I posted it this morning,
and I've already gotten 140 shares.
That's even more embarrassing
than posting a picture
of my actual bumhole.
Yeah, well.
Maybe you'll think twice now
about sending another picture.
Oh, yeah!
Yeah, it does look like an anus!
Oh, gosh.
Anne, I'm so sorry.
Get that lid.
What have you seen?
Nothing, Mummy.
I'm posing for the camera.
Did you get it?
Yep. OK, right.
I'm going to do one with this
and swap seats for
a different background.
Keep the camera up, Manus.
So you post a picture of yourself
eating cakes,
and that's a job?
No, I'm going to edit it
together into a montage,
under the hashtag
"Let SoHa eat cake".
Vive la revolution.
Can I have some of these
if you're not going to eat them?
No, Manus.
We're going to the dentist at two.
Actually we need to bust a move.
Oh, so soon? Shall I come with?
Mummy, we're going to the dentist!
Just stay and enjoy your coffee.
OK, so we have a latte for Felicity,
and a turmeric and ginger
power shot to go. Thank you!
Mmm.
Hoh!
Ellie, babe - these
cakes are going to look amazing
on the socials.
I'll pop in later to give you
a sneaky peak before it goes viral.
Amanda!
It's a coffee bean, Mummy.
Just give it a stir.
Right, Manus, let's ride!
Do you do wine?
March 2022.
Bin it.
Ugh.
It's bad enough that I'm grounded -
now you're making me do this?
I'm sorry but you're getting
no sympathy from me, Darius.
If you hadn't Ah, Jesus!
A mouse has gotten into me pankos.
I only showed the picture
to a couple of mates,
and it weren't even my real bumhole.
Yeah, well, you're going to have to
learn the hard way, aren't ya?
Pfft. Speaking of which - it's time
we saw how our pot plant was going.
Bloody hell!
Oi, oi, oi!
All right. Watch your language. OK.
Shit the fucking bed.
That's been retweeted 40,000 times.
And there's 296 comments.
"How do you get your peace lily
looking so healthy?"
"Do you water it every day?"
God!
I've never been so popular.
I'm going to have to reply to these.
Keep going with the cleaning,
Darius!
You're still on probation.
Right. Let's get the other door off.
So, we go lefty-loosey,
righty-tighty.
Oh, that's good. Yeah.
Wait, did you come up with that?
No. My grandad taught it to my dad,
and he taught it to me.
Now I'm teaching it to Ned. Oh!
Right, so if you want to start
on the left side,
me and Ned'll do the right.
Give us a shout if you need a hand.
I'd have killed for a shed
like this when I was a teenager.
Somewhere to chill, some Magic FM,
set up the Warhammer
Hm! How were we married
to the same woman?
What is that?
Oh, this? It is an impact driver.
I didn't know you were into DIY.
Oh, I'm not, really,
but it was on sale and I can't
resist a "Which?" Best Buy.
Do you want a go? Oh, no,
I'm good with the screwdriver.
I got this kit when my grandad died.
Right, you watching this, Ned?
You just line this up
straight with
Can't we just use JJ's drill thingy?
It looks way quicker.
Can't you just concentrate?
What?
Left side done. See?
Wow.
Want me to start
on the inside whilst I wait?
Oh, boys!
I brought you some
home-made lemonade.
Nice.
Rather fancy!
Thanks. Oh, it's just a little
something I rustled up.
This is Sprite.
Mmm.
Um, are you sure you want to
get rid of this?
It's in really good nick.
Oh, no, take it.
I just used it for the occasional
soiree in the garden
during lockdown.
But most of my friends
have sadly left us.
Oh, no, that's awful. I'm sorry.
No, they didn't die.
They just moved to the
Cayman Islands when Labour got in.
Oh.
Um, don't feel like you have to
wait out here in the cold with us.
No, it's fine.
I love watching men at work.
Heads!
Oh! Whoa!
That's the front done.
What next?
Ellie, babe.
We're out of Aesop in the loo.
Oh, cheers.
Did you want another coffee?
Yes, please.
Although I am very
tempted by your matcha.
Matcha comin' atcha.
Oh, that's good.
You've got to put that
on the chalk board, Ellie.
Oh, God, give me a break.
That your boss?
Oh, no.
That's just the guy I collab with.
My co-collaber.
No, I'm a digital nomad.
To paraphrase the song - wherever
I lay my laptop, that's my office.
I'll leave you to it, then.
Yeah, if you don't mind,
cos I've actually got
a huge deadline so
Oh, by the way,
my, er, latest post on the cafe
got a lot of traction yesterday,
so expect a bit of a flurry.
Great, cos we've just had these in.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, wow!
Hello! What's this?
It's a "macaronut".
A macaroni doughnut?
No, no, it's a macaron
and a doughnut.
That makes more sense.
Yeah. Sorry
I do need to concentrate,
so if you could just
Thank you.
All right, love!
Hello, how are you?!
This is my new furbaby! Fi!
Hello!
Oh, my God!
That's my good friend Fi.
You know Della Fry, the chef?
That's her wife.
She's a lesbian.
Fi! You coming for a coffee?
Hey, Mands.
I was just about to go and
meet my, er, dog walking pals
Get in here! Come on.
You've got to try one of
these insane matchas.
Oh, my goodness, Bobby! Er
Welcome!
Oh, my God! Yeah! I know!
It's great, isn't it? Yeah.
No, I'm really pleased with it.
Oh, yeah! Now, Fi. Yep?
Let me get a shot of you
for the 'gram with a macaronut.
Yeah. Oh, a macaroni doughnut?
No, it's a macaron
and a doughnut, Fi.
Oh! Obviously.
That's OK.
Oops, sorry!
Yeah, here we go.
Really? That face?
Yeah. OK, no, no, it's fun.
Oh, yes!
Right. I'm just going to upload
that to the socials
Hello!
I thought I'd do a quick video
about how I care for my peace lily.
That sounds just like Anne.
It is Anne. That's her wedding ring.
..doing well
And I'm sure that's her bedroom.
First every day I check for
dry dead leaves. What's going on?
Oh, my God, is this the Irish lady
with the plants?
I mean, good for her
for having a go, but
..please, Anne, come on -
LEAVE it to the professionals.
That's so embarrassing.
This one's got over a million views!
Yeah, right.
No, it does. It's over a million.
What? Yeah.
People love her.
How's that got a million views?
It's just some little fat hands
and a plant.
Has she done any more?
Yeah, look - this one.
It's got over four mil -
and she only posted it last night.
Wow!
Anne's the new
"Charlie bit my finger"!
That's crazy!
Oh, God, Bobby.
Right, let's get this thing built.
So, you just grip it at the end,
and give it a nice
controlled swing like so.
Coo-ee! It's only me.
Oh, God.
Georgie let me in.
You left this little box
of bits behind,
and I thought it might be important.
You really didn't have to come
all this way, you know, Felicity.
Just checking in
on my favourite workmen.
As you were.
Ah! There we are.
All right, er, so, remember, Ned,
you hold the hammer
at the bottom of the handle,
and you just let gravity
do the work.
Oi, JJ - is that a nail gun?
Er, yeah.
I saw it in Screwfix,
so I thought, "Treat yourself."
We have very different
definitions of "treats".
Can I have a go? No! Come on!
What? This is what woodwork
is all about. This.
Not these fancy guns and tools.
Sorry. All right - concentrate.
OK, here we go.
Argh!
Ooh! Are you OK, mate?
I've got a first aid kit in the car.
No, I'm all right.
OK. Just need to not breathe
for a bit.
Amanda! Hey, Anne.
Are you OK?
Yeah, I just feel like
we haven't connected in ages,
and I was just passing.
I'm just putting the twins to bed.
Oh, that's OK.
Just stick 'em in front of a Bluey.
The cartoon. The cartoon
Oh, God.
Really sweet and shabby
Yeah. ..and grubby and
Oh!
I know bed times are hard, Anne,
but that's a bit drastic!
I just got sent it
out of the blue by some company.
They make their own
cucumber and aloe gin.
Sounds like a shower gel.
Why are they sending it to you?
Oh, well, they saw
an Insta film I made
about an aloe plant that I rescued
from the clearance shelf in BandQ,
and, er, they thought I'd like it.
That's just stupid.
I-Is that not that how
Senuous works?
Like that time you got sent, er,
four boxes of mouthwash?
No, that's totally different, Anne.
Oh.
Now, listen,
I've been working as an influencer
for quite some time now
and do you know what I don't have?
Followers? No, Anne.
A mentee.
I'm a mentor without a mentee,
and I think you might just be
that mentee, for me.
Oh, um
Now, you've got to undo all those
bad habits you've picked up.
Back to basics.
Make-up. Oh, but it's only
my hands that are in shot.
I usually do my posts first thing,
so, most of the time I'm just
straight out of the shower!
Anne, creating content
isn't just a hobby -
it's a way of life. Mm, mm. OK?
I think you need to be a bit more
respectful of my culture.
Um
My apologies to your people.
Mm-hm. Yeah. Yeah.
Come on!
I just love plants.
Nature really gets me in the feels,
you know?
Yes, you can't beat
a bit of green fingering.
Watch this.
And just to add,
if you're vibing with this,
then like and subscribe to Senuous
for more inspiring content.
Oh, wow!
Meghan Markle eat your heart out.
You think? So good.
It's so good! It's quite
a departure from my usual posts.
Anne, this will have boosted
your viewing figures no end.
Well, um, according to the analytics
they've actually dropped off a bit.
Let me see.
That's about 70,000 less
than my previous three posts.
Oh, well. Anne, that's just numbers.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
OK. That's the problem with
the new gen of influencers.
They expect overnight success.
Mmm. I think you should just go
back to doing that, Anne, love.
Honestly. No offence, Mands.
Abigail, with the greatest respect,
this is my forte,
and I'm imparting my extensive
expertise for free
to my friend who's struggling.
So, you just stick to the
Running a food bank.
Please stop virtue-signalling.
It's just
I gave you guys �3,000,
you don't hear me shoehorning it
into every conversation.
She literally gave me
a seven-foot cheque.
Oh! Jeez Louise,
it's cold out there.
It's all right for you. You ain't
got to go out in bleedin' shorts.
Should've brought my thermals.
Oh, God, Bobby.
Ugh!
Ugh
Is your mum all right, Amanda?
Yeah, she's fine.
I mean, she never really
got over John Lewis
reducing their loyalty points,
but otherwise she's all right.
She's constantly in my garden.
My garden.
Do you think she
might be a bit lonely?
Lonely? My mother? Yeah.
Please.
She should get a dog
if she's lonely.
No, Fi! I was lonely without Dells,
then I got a dog,
and I met loads of new dog-walking
pals, and I'm no longer lonely.
Fi, that makes you sound
really lonely.
Guys, my mother's not lonely.
Honestly, she's got a more active
social life than I do.
She's basically brunching her way
through my inheritance.
Don't you worry about her.
Then why is she currently
sat on my front step
waiting for me to let her in
like a stray cat?
It's freezing out there.
Fine. I'll have a word.
Thank you.
Oh, look, it's Pippa's mummy!
Maggie! Look who I'm with!
Who's this? She is a massive,
massive fan of yours.
Oh! Yeah! Come and look at this.
Come on, Pippa! Here we go.
Are you the lady from Insta?
Guilty as charged.
My fiddle-leaf tree has
never looked so healthy.
I love your accent, by the way.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, wait, wait, we have to
Facetime my friend Sarah.
She loves you too! Yeah!
You're a proper celeb now, Anne!
Hi - you're not going to
believe who I'm with!
Oh, my God!
Is that who I think it is?!
Fi, what is going on with your dog?
Every time it sees me it does that.
You think? Yes.
Your dog clearly fancies me.
But it might be worms, Mand.
It's not worms, Fi.
I've seen this before.
Albeit on human men,
but it's definitely a thing.
Oh, my God, can you
say begonia? "Bergonia".
Hey, girl!
Busy today, I see. Hmm.
My posts must be kicking in.
I'll get the usual. Sure.
Andan almond croissant.
I shouldn't-couldn't-wouldn't,
but
You know what? I'll actually get
a couple of extra for the kids.
Sure. Just while I've got you,
did you want to settle up your tab?
I just thought, cos it's coming up
towards the end of the week
That's good. A tab.
Oh you're not joking.
There you go.
This is �270.
Hmm? You said my drinks were gratis.
I said the first coffee was gratis.
Yeah, "gratissss".
Ssss. Plural.
You can see why I thought
it was more than one.
Er, not really.
It is the plural of the Latin
word "gratia",
but in English it functions
in an invariable form.
Don't patronise me, sweetheart.
I'm not - I did a classics degree.
You want to talk Latin,
let's talk Latin, OK?
Prid quo pro, Ellie.
I have been doing a lot of work
for you on the socials.
Do you have any idea
how much word of mouth
I've generated for you, my love?
Well, clearly not enough, because
you're our only customer. Oh!
Low blow, Ellie. Low blow.
No need to make this personal.
It's the opposite of making
it personal, Amanda.
I'm trying to run a business.
Well, maybe if you didn't
charge �4.50 for a coffee
with a vagina on top.
It's a coffee bean.
That's for today's drink,
and you're not getting a penny more.
And I'm taking a scone, gratia.
That's going on your tab!
All right, so the secret
is to tidy as you go.
So, grab the broom.
That's going to take ages.
Thank you, Felicity.
If you could just leave us to it.
There you are!
Oh, look - Amanda's home.
Maybe you want to hang out
in her flat, Felicity.
No, I'm fine.
Er! You are not going to believe
what just happened to me.
Did someone just guess
your real age? No, Mal.
The woman in Vantablack Coffee -
she just asked me to pay for every
single item I've consumed this week.
Only you would be shocked by that.
Well, there's no such thing
as a free lunch, darling.
There's no such thing
as a free shed.
Do you know what? Forget it.
Er, Amanda? Can you, erm?
Not now, Mal. I am enraged.
Yo, JJ! That looks way more fun!
Let me have a go.
You know what?
I give up.
I don't know why I bother.
Is he? Is he all right?
Mal, you in here?
You all right, mate?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Cool, it's just
..that's a lot of sriracha.
I know it's stupid,
but all of those lessons
my dad taught me,
like how to chisel
and use a screwdriver -
kids these days just
don't need to know that.
Like using an A to Z
or the Yellow Pages.
It's justuseless information.
You're spending time with him,
showing him how to solve problems.
My dad spent years
teaching me how to code.
Nobody needs to learn
how to code any more.
AI can do it in, like, a nanosecond.
Hmm. But I'm still glad
I spent time with him. Yeah?
Yeah, I should probably
apologise to him, eh? Yeah.
And then, um
..do you want to
have a go on my nail gun?
Fuck yeah.
Mm
Oh, OK, let me get some water
It's burning! Agh, it's burning. Mm!
Hi, Amanda. What's this?
Sorry, but you gave me
no choice but to name and shame.
That's illegal.
Do you know what else is illegal?
Not paying your bill.
Take it down.
No. Not until you've paid.
Ellie, are you?!
It is �270!
Amanda, you're lucky
I haven't gone to the police.
You're lucky
I haven't called my lawyer.
Do you even have a lawyer?
Yes, I do have a lawyer,
Ellie, actually,
and I'm going to call them
right now.
Yeah. Hi. It's Amanda Hughes,
and I'd like to speak
to my solicitor, please.
They're putting me through.
Last chance, Ellie.
No.
Yeah. Hi. It's Amanda,
and I
He got cut off,
he's calling me back.
I can see the caller ID.
It's your mum.
Yes.
She's my lawyer.
No, she's not.
I can't actually afford
to pay you right now.
How are you going to
settle this bill, then?
Andaction.
Whenever I'm in SoHa,
I like to enjoy a coffee
from Vantablack Coffee.
Andcut.
Great.
OK? Yeah.
Right. I'm just going to post
this on your Insta, Anne.
Why is there a willy and balls
on my coffee?
It's not.
It's a shamrock.
Ah, Ned!
Backgammon? Chess? Cards?
I could make it interesting.
Amanda? Hmm? Play it cool.
Your boyfriend's just walked in.
Where?
Please don't make light of it,
Abigail.
I actually feel quite violated.
Hey, good news! Hi!
The vet's had a look at Bob's
bits'n'bobs Right.
..and it turns out
he was obsessed with his privates
because he needed
his glands drained.
So, you are off the hook.
Oh, Mands. I'm sorry Bobby
doesn't fancy you.
Yeah, that's great news,
cos frankly, it was gross, so
I'm glad!
Good! Phew!
You OK, Anne? You all right?
Hi.
What's wrong?
I've had no end of grief
since that Vantablack post.
Everyone is accusing me
of being a Judas and a sell-out.
That's ridiculous.
How do they expect internet
artistes to make money?
Look at the comments.
"We came here for plant pot hacks,
"and now she's trying
to peddle us expensive coffee".
Well And apparently I am "all
that is wrong with society", Amanda.
Haters gonna hate, Anne.
Y'know? Yeah, well,
I don't want to be hated.
So, I've gone back to my hands,
my voice, and my pot plants.
OK, Anne.
I should've never have messed
with the formula.
Mum!
How could you? What?
After all those talks
of online safety,
and you go and flash
the entire internet.
What are you talking about?
That's just a Christmas cactus.
No, Mum.
Look at the pot!
Hmm? Oh, my God!
See - exactly.
You were worried about
some fake bumhole
and now everyone in the world
has seen my mum's tits!
Oh, shit.
Symmetrical.
Good for you, Anne.
Yo, Ned.
You all right, Dad? Yeah.
You want to go
and hang out in the shed?
I mean, I would,
but it's infested with old ladies.
All right - I'll go and have a word.
You know what? I think Felicity
needs the shed more than I do.
Yeah.
All right, fine.
You can have my room.
Yeah!
Thank you, Dad. I love you so much!
Yeah, I love you too.
Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!
Oh, it's so nice to be somewhere
where the drinks are actually free.
Mm. Mummy, you know if you're
ever lonely, you just have to say.
Why would you ever
think I'd be lonely?
Mm.
Dammit! What's up, Anne?
Oh, God!
They've only gone and cancelled
my appearance on Alan Titchmarsh.
Oh, Anne. Yeah.
I wish I'd never gone on
that feckin' Insta.
Hey, all publicity's good publicity.
Tell that to Prince Andrew.
Right. Can we all do a selfie?
The Summer House Gang?
Yes! Oh, Mummy! Sweet, yes.
OK, where is it, where is it?
OK, just a second.
OK.
Anne, your tit's out again. Oh, God!
I'm joking, Anne! I'm joking.
Ooh!
Oh, look at me! That's fantastic!
I just need some more ice.
Will you watch Bobby for me?
Yep. Thanks.
All right, Bobby?
Ugh!
You little perv.
Still got it.