Gilligan's Island (1964) s02e02 Episode Script
Beauty Is as Beauty Does
1
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Thurston: Darling, have
you had some of this?
Skipper: Have some of that.
The olive matches your outfit.
You're so right.
So, the fella turned to me
and said, "thurston"
Oh, I'll have some more
of that, ginger, please.
Thank you, ginger.
[All talking]
Mr. Howell.
Mrs. Howell.
Mr. and Mrs. Howell, quiet! Please!
Man on radio: Johnnie Jo Langford
from weehawk city, Alabama,
was selected tonight as winner
of the miss globe beauty pageant.
Oh, they have to be kidding!
Prizes won by the raven-haired coed
include a round-the-world trip plus
huh! Raven-haired coed!
Well, that old bag's been
entering contests since I was a kid.
Well, I could have beaten
Johnnie Jo Langford
with my hair up in curlers
and my front tooth blacked out.
Ginger, we know you could have won.
In fact, I'll propose a toast.
To ginger, the most beautiful
castaway in the whole wide world.
Thank you, skipper.
Here's to ginger.
You know, there's really more to beauty
than perfection of face and figure.
It also means breeding and poise
and a kind of charm
that comes with maturity.
How true.
In my opinion, Mrs. Howell
is the most beautiful
creature in the world.
Here's to Mrs. Howell.
Gentlemen, I'm afraid that I
must inject another opinion here.
In addition to beauty of face and figure
there is a lady here who
also has sweetness and warmth,
the lady I would pick as the
most beautiful in the world
Mary Ann.
Oh, thank you.
Here's to Mary Ann.
Well, it would seem that
there's a difference of opinion here,
but I don't see any reason for argument.
Let's say that ginger's the most beautiful,
Mrs. Howell certainly
is the most gracious,
and last but not least,
Mary Ann is the sweetest.
Yeah, let's say that.
Let's not say it!
I said that Mrs. Howell
is the most beautiful
creature in the world,
and that is precisely what I meant!
I beg your pardon,
when I said that Mary Ann
was the most beautiful in the
world, that is exactly what I meant.
I know, I know!
Let's have a beauty contest
here on the island,
and we can pick a a miss castaway.
Ooh, a beauty contest here?
Well, that suits me fine.
I think it's a marvelous idea.
I agree, too.
See you on the runway, girls.
Oh, gilligan, what a can
of peas have you opened.
All I said was we should
have a beauty contest.
Well, how do I look?
Ginger, believe me,
you look like the Venus
de Milo, with arms!
What about the talent part?
Oh, well, I was thinking
of doing the final scene
from my last movie. It's very dramatic.
Oh, good! Let's hear it.
I surrender to our
passions, my love, willingly
hi, skipper. I finished the
runway so I thought I'd come over
and see if you needed anything at all
I want to go where you go. Right now?
Lift me to the heavens, my love,
sweep me off my feet.
Oh, please, take me
with you. Carry me off.
Well, I'll try. Where do you
want me to carry you to?
Gilligan! Gilligan, are you insane?!
She said to sweep her off and
take her up into the heavens, so
gilligan, can't you see
we're trying to work?
What is it you want?
Well, I finished the runway, skipper, so
alright, you want something
else to do. Is that it?
Here, gilligan. Go get us some
lobsters for lunch. Now get out!
You don't have to yell.
Yes, I do! Will you go?!
Now, ginger, right where we left off.
I surrender to our passions, my love.
Well, professor, I bet you never thought
you'd be coaching a beauty contest.
Mary Ann, the combination
of your natural attributes
and my scientific approach
will prove unbeatable. Look.
Seaweed shampoo, for lustrous hair.
Crushed blackberries
for darkening the lashes.
Powdered hibiscus for Ruby lips,
and coconut oil for baby-soft skin.
Just add a little vinegar and I could
enter the contest as a Caesar salad.
You leave it to me.
By the time science and I are through,
you'll make ginger and Mrs. Howell
look like dropouts from boys' town.
What's the fishing pole for?
Why, that's to provide you
with a form of isometric exercise.
Isometric exercise?
Yes. Always remember that true beauty
is the end result of the
inner glow of good health,
and isometric exercise provides
for the inner play of
muscle against muscle
to improve the general physique.
Oh, but professor, I just want
to beat Mrs. Howell and ginger,
not Cassius Clay.
I'll just attach this to your bathing suit.
You get in that lagoon and you
swim just as hard as you possibly can.
You're sure it'll help me win?
Yes, this will provide for the inner
play of muscle against muscle.
Alright, but I don't want to come
out looking like Johnny weissmuller.
Don't worry. You won't.
Now, you get in there
and you swim just as
hard as you possibly can.
Hold on!
Oh, professor! You hooked a big one!
No, gilligan! Gilligan, I am busy!
Let me help! Don't let him get away!
[Arguing continues]
[Shrieks]
Aah!
Huh.
Must have been a her.
Gilligan! Oh!
Good heavens.
You go get her.
Alright, hands on hips,
deep knee bend. Here we go.
Alright, there, 1, 2.1, 2.
1, 2. Lower, lovey, 1, 2.1, 2.
1, 2.1, 2. Alright, I think
you can rest now, my dear.
Oh, really, thurston, this is silly.
Who's going to vote for me over
those two beautiful young girls?
But, my dear, you're a ho well,
and no one can beat a ho well.
Yes, but does everybody
think like a ho well?
Now wait a minute.
Are you or are you not
rich enough to be the most
beautiful woman wherever you go?
Thurston, I'm afraid it's hopeless.
Unless, of course, we can
convince gilligan to vote for me.
Wait a minute. Do you
think I'm the type of man
who would try and influence a judge
in a fair-and-square contest?
Yes, thurston.
You know me pretty good,
don't you? Yes.
After all, a ho well gets what he needs
and right now, all we need is gilligan.
Okay, ginger, let's try
that acting scene again.
You know, skipper, I was just thinking.
You shouldn't have yelled
at gilligan this morning.
Why not?
Well, because Mr. Howell
is gonna vote for his wife,
and the professor's
gonna vote for Mary Ann,
and that leaves gilligan
to elect miss castaway.
Why, I know, but he has to vote for you.
I mean, you're the obvious winner.
Well, thank you very much,
but sometimes the
obvious one doesn't win.
Well, you've got a point there.
Gilligan is kinda tender-hearted.
He might vote for the underdog.
That is, I mean, girl.
That's right. So we're going to have to do
something to convince him.
Yes. We do need gilligan.
Just think tall.
Oh, I appreciate all the work
you've gone through, professor,
but it's no use.
Ginger's just too glamorous,
and Mrs. Howell's too darned cultured.
Now, I will not tolerate negative thinking.
Do you or do you not
want to be miss castaway?
Well, of course I do, but
Well, do you think
I can get gilligan's vote?
Ooh, that reminds me.
I was a bit harsh this morning
on our uncommitted delegate.
Well, I'm sure gilligan will be fair.
Well, just the same,
we've got to remedy that.
We need gilligan.
All I wanted to do was try to help.
Everybody yells at me,
picks on me, and
Gladys.
Gladys, give me back my hat.
Gladys, my hat.
Please.
Gladys, give me my hat!
[Chattering angrily]
Look, don't tell me your
troubles, I got enough of my own.
What am I gonna do, Gladys?
[Chatters]
Tell them to stop walking over me?
Yeah? And be firm?
Oh, here he comes, skipper.
Gilligan, little buddy, you're just in time.
We saved the biggest lobster for you.
Oh, no, you don't. I'm
not taking any more of that.
Oh, gilligan, it's delicious.
I cooked it especially for you.
Thanks, ginger. I guess
it pays to fight back.
Nothing's too good for my little buddy.
Ooh, yeah. Everybody loves a fighter.
Gilligan, you don't want that.
Huh? Yes I do.
No, you don't.
He does, too. No, he does not.
Here, try this, gilligan.
It's really much better.
I picked the herbs and the fruits myself.
It's good.
No, you don't. Mine is much better,
gilligan, really.
Vitamin a, gilligan, vitamin a.
Exactly what a nice boy like you needs
to grow big and strong.
Ooh, I can hardly wait.
Gilligan, dear, I made
those hors d'oeuvres
especially for your discerning palate.
Here, my boy. Try that.
[Whispers] What's that?!
From my own private stock.
It beats that rabbit food
any day of the week, eh?
Come back here, gilligan.
You eat that lobster, and that's an order.
Because we want you to be happy.
Well, so do we.
Gilligan's happiness means more to us
than anything in the world.
Well, everybody's so happy,
how come you're mad at each other?
Oh, gilligan, we don't want
to worry you with that.
We know whatever your decision
will be, it'll be unbiased.
My decision about what?
Well, about who wins the beauty contest,
of course.
We respect your integrity, gilligan.
That's why we're glad
you have the deciding vote.
Deciding vote? Me?
Look, I don't want to be judge.
Mr. Howell: You have
no choice in the matter.
To gilligan, who will cast the
deciding vote for Mrs. Howell.
For ginger! For Mary Ann!
Look, I'm not gonna vote
for anybody right now;
ginger, Mary Ann, or
Mrs. Howell! No! Uh-uh!
Alright, then, my dear.
We will make our meals elsewhere.
Come on, skipper.
Mrs. Howell: Come along, thurston.
We'll have our dinner
in our rooms, darling.
[Chattering]
Whoo-ooh-ooh ooh!
A friendly little beauty contest.
You know what I think, Gladys?
It's about as friendly as world war ii.
Skipper: Gilligan!
Hey, Gladys, it's okay.
It's just the skipper. The skipper.
You remember the skipper,
don't you? Huh?
Yeah, that's him.
Skipper: Gilligan!
Gilligan, where are you?!
There you are.
Hi, skipper. I'd like you to meet Gladys.
Gladys, this is the skipper.
Gladys, how oh, I know Gladys!
Gilligan, I've got to talk to you.
Alone.
Alone? Oh, okay, skipper.
Gladys, you got to go now.
I'll see you later, okay?
[Chattering]
Ow!
What did you want
to talk about, skipper?
Gilligan, there's a broken heart
for every light on Broadway,
and we have one
right here on this island.
A light on Broadway?
No, gilligan, a broken heart.
Now, think about it.
If you had Broadway lying at your feet
and it was all smashed to smithereens,
what would you do?
Stay off Broadway.
Gilligan, please. Give ginger
back a piece of her dream.
Make it up to her for the way
the cruel fates have treated her.
I guess you're right, skipper.
Ginger deserves to win.
That's right, little buddy.
Professor: Gilligan?
I'm down here.
So you are.
I am delighted that you
dropped by, gilligan.
Gives me a chance to talk to you,
to appeal to your reason,
your your intellect.
Okay, professor. Appeal.
There's a girl on this island
to whom victory would be the pinnacle,
the attainment of all
her unspoken dreams,
her unfulfilled desires.
Do you know who I'm talking about?
I don't even know what
you're talking about.
Alright, follow me, gilligan.
Now, first there's ginger. She's
made her Mark in the world.
For the rest of her life she can
talk about her fabulous career.
Now, consider Mrs. Howell.
She's got her fabulous husband
and then there is Mary Ann.
Pretty, sweet, little Mary Ann.
Now, what does she have that could
be considered really and truly fabulous?
Her butterfly collection?
Oh, try to understand, gilligan.
Mary Ann needs to be miss castaway
as the other 2 couldn't possibly,
and you can do this for her, gilligan.
You must do this for her.
Well, I guess you're right, professor.
Mary Ann deserves to win.
Aww. What a lovely thought.
You see, on one hand,
the skipper's right,
and ginger should win;
and on the other hand, the professor's
right, and Mary Ann should win.
Oh, what a spot.
Only an idiot would get
himself in a spot like this.
What?!
I don't know. There must be an
answer to the problem somewhere.
I don't know.
I wish somebody would
tell me what to do.
I'd be very happy to tell you, my boy.
Thanks.
Ahh!
Oh. It's you, Mr. Howell.
Gilligan, I'm a man of few words.
What will it cost to get your vote?
A yacht, villa on the riviera,
controlling interest in
the golden gate bridge?
Mr. Howell, you're trying to bribe a judge.
No, no, no. Just testing your honesty,
and may I say that you came
through with flying colors.
Then you're not trying to influence me?
Oh, no, no. Cherish the thought.
Let's sit down and chat
a while, shall we?
Okay. What about?
Mrs. Howell, of course.
Oh. What's her problem?
Any woman's most cherished
possession, her pride.
I mean, look at it this way:
Mrs. Howell, a woman of renown,
competing in an ordinary
contest like that.
It isn't fair. It isn't equitable.
It isn't Democratic, if you'll
pardon the expression.
Now, suppose your own mother
was running against Tuesday weld.
Tuesday weld?
Who would you vote for?
I'd choose mom. I'd choose mom.
You're absolutely right.
A vote for Mrs. Howell
is a vote for those ladies
that deserve our recognition:
The American wife and American mother
and private enterprise.
Gilligan, are you an American?
Yes, sir, and I vote for Mrs. Howell.
3, if you don't mind. 3, okay.
[Whistles yankee doodle dandy]
On one hand there's ginger,
on the other hand there's Mary Ann.
Looks like I'm gonna need
another hand for Mrs. Howell.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
to the first annual
miss castaway contest.
[Cheers and whistles]
Mr. Howell: Oh, lovely.
Professor: The lovely
contestants are: Number one
[Music playing]
Miss Mary Ann.
Professor: That's lovely, dear.
Number 2, ginger.
Attagirl, ginger! Come on!
Skipper: Oh, boy!
Boy, you look wonderful, ginger.
Professor: And last but not least,
Mrs. Thurston ho well the third.
Oh, bravo, bravo, Mrs. Howell.
Never mind the tempo, darling.
You're above it. You're a ho well.
Thurston: Bravo!
Such grace! Bravo!
And now the next event, worth 25 points,
for charm, poise, and sincerity.
The first contestant: Miss Mary Ann.
Now, you just relax, dear,
and you tell us in your own
sweet, charming, simple way
what it is that you want most out of life.
[Clears throat]
I would like a world without strife,
universal Harmony, international goodwill
where the
Spirit of brotherhood enriches
all of mankind forever. Thank you.
Oh, how revolting.
Thank you, thank you, Mary Ann,
for that sincere, unselfish,
and unrehearsed speech.
Thank you, my dear. Please be seated.
And now for contestant number 2
[whistles]
Ginger! Come on!
Will you wait, please, till I introduce her?
I already know ginger.
Come on, ginger! Go!
Alright, then. Miss ginger.
Thank you.
First of all,
I'd like to thank all
of you wonderful people
for allowing me to be in
this wonderful contest.
It really is a wonderful experience,
and it makes a girl feel wonderful.
Wonderful!
Second of all,
I'd like to thank all
of you marvelous people
for allowing me to be in
this marvelous contest.
It really is a marvelous experience,
and it makes a girl feel marvelous.
Marvelous! Marvelous!
Thirdly thank you very much, ginger.
I'm not finished yet.
For allowing me to be in
this terrific contest.
Ginger, your time is up.
Thank you very much.
Terrific! Terrific!
And now for our third contestant,
Mrs. Thurston ho well III.
Thurston: Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo!
I'm not going to make
an unrehearsed speech,
or a speech that's
wonderful, marvelous, terrific.
I'm just going to say thank you, judge,
for being the son of an American mother.
Bravo! Bravo!
More! Encore! Author!
Thank you.
And now there will be a 5-minute
break for a costume change
before we commence with
the talent competition.
Thank you.
[Whistling]
Thurston: Very good! Good show!
And now, to open the talent competition,
Mary Ann will perform a soft-shoe dance.
[Cheers and whistles]
What's the matter, professor? You
having trouble with the phonograph?
Uh, just a moment.
Here, I'll help you.
Whoop.
Almost stepped in the glue.
Professor: Alright.
Take your seats, please.
[Music starts]
Dear, what is the matter?
Oh, I've never been so
embarrassed in my whole life!
Look!
Something wrong, Mary Ann?
Oh, I don't know. My shoe!
What is it, Mary Ann?
Glue, I guess.
Glue!
Take your foot out of your shoe.
That's it.
Mr. Howell, you put glue on that stage.
Oh, man, now where would I get glue?
I mean
Something in a 40 you
need a new tailor, there.
Mr. Howell, 2 can play at that game.
Mrs. Thurston ho well the third
will now recite a dramatic poem.
Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo! Bravo!
Paul revere's ride.
Listen, my children, and you shall hear,
of the midnight ride of Paul revere.
On the eighteenth of April in '75,
hardly a man is now alive
who remembers that
famous day and year.
He said to his friend if
If
[Whispers] If the British march.
If the British march. Hut, 2.
No coaching from the audience.
If the British march from town tonight,
by land and or by sea,
hang a lantern high
in the north church tower
for as a signal
ah-choo! Ah-choo!
Excuse me.
Light one if by land
2 if by
ah-ah-ah-ah-choo!
Ah-ah-choo!
If by sea.
And I, on the opposite shore will be
ready to
ah-choo!
Oh, I can't do this anymore!
Ah-choo!
Ah-choo! Ah-choo!
Thank you very much, Mrs. Howell.
You had something to do with this,
and don't try and tell me that you didn't!
Why, I haven't the slightest
idea what you're talking about.
I'll tell you what you both did.
You just cancelled yourselves
out of the competition.
Ha! Well, I guess we know
whose girl's gonna win now.
Professor: I'll see about that.
Why don't you two just sit down.
And now for the final contestant
in the talent competition,
miss ginger!
[Jazz music starts]
let me ♪
entertain you ♪
let me make you smile ♪
let me do a few tricks ♪
some old and then some new tricks ♪
I'm very versatile ♪
and if you're real good ♪
I'll make you feel good ♪
I want your spirits to climb ♪
ooh ♪
let me entertain you ♪
ow!
A good time ♪
ow! Ow! Ow!
Oh ♪
ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
We're even Steven.
Give me back the weapon.
Okay, I'm ready.
Alright, little buddy.
Get up on the stage and announce it,
little shipmate.
You ladies may be seated.
First of all, I'd like to say all
the ladies are very beautiful
and each one deserves to win.
Yeah. Very charmingly said.
Never mind that now, gilligan.
Who won?
With all due respect
to candidate number one,
and candidate number 2,
and candidate number 3,
my deciding vote goes
to candidate number 4.
4?
But there were only 3 candidates,
not 4, you fool.
What are you talking about, gilligan?
I had my own candidate.
You had your own contest?
Here, I'll show you.
Miss castaway!
I've never seen anything like it in my life.
A monkey.
She's prettier than we are?!
And you call yourself an American.
That's just it, Mrs. Howell.
We're all Americans except her.
What's that got to do with it?
Well, to enter a beauty
contest you have to be a native,
and she's the only one
born on the island.
Well, he's got a point there.
And besides, if I picked one
of the ladies, I'd get in trouble.
Well, he's got a point there, too.
If I picked Gladys,
I can't get in any trouble.
I don't think. Whoa!
Gilligan, little buddy!
How about telling us who
really won the contest?
I already told you. Gladys.
Come on, come on. We're friends.
Just for the record,
show us who won on points.
No one. No one.
With all those notes you'd been making,
someone must have been ahead.
Let me see!
Tick-tack-toe?
They're all covered with tick-tack-toes.
I didn't want you to see
I lost every game.
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no light ♪
no motor cars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪♪
Just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale ♪
a tale of a fateful trip ♪
that started from this tropic port ♪
aboard this tiny ship ♪
the mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪
the skipper brave and sure ♪
5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour ♪
a 3-hour tour ♪
[thunder]
The weather started getting rough ♪
the tiny ship was tossed ♪
if not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the minnow would be lost ♪
the ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪
uncharted desert isle ♪
with gilligan ♪
the skipper, too ♪
the millionaire and his wife ♪
the movie star ♪
the professor and Mary Ann ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪
Thurston: Darling, have
you had some of this?
Skipper: Have some of that.
The olive matches your outfit.
You're so right.
So, the fella turned to me
and said, "thurston"
Oh, I'll have some more
of that, ginger, please.
Thank you, ginger.
[All talking]
Mr. Howell.
Mrs. Howell.
Mr. and Mrs. Howell, quiet! Please!
Man on radio: Johnnie Jo Langford
from weehawk city, Alabama,
was selected tonight as winner
of the miss globe beauty pageant.
Oh, they have to be kidding!
Prizes won by the raven-haired coed
include a round-the-world trip plus
huh! Raven-haired coed!
Well, that old bag's been
entering contests since I was a kid.
Well, I could have beaten
Johnnie Jo Langford
with my hair up in curlers
and my front tooth blacked out.
Ginger, we know you could have won.
In fact, I'll propose a toast.
To ginger, the most beautiful
castaway in the whole wide world.
Thank you, skipper.
Here's to ginger.
You know, there's really more to beauty
than perfection of face and figure.
It also means breeding and poise
and a kind of charm
that comes with maturity.
How true.
In my opinion, Mrs. Howell
is the most beautiful
creature in the world.
Here's to Mrs. Howell.
Gentlemen, I'm afraid that I
must inject another opinion here.
In addition to beauty of face and figure
there is a lady here who
also has sweetness and warmth,
the lady I would pick as the
most beautiful in the world
Mary Ann.
Oh, thank you.
Here's to Mary Ann.
Well, it would seem that
there's a difference of opinion here,
but I don't see any reason for argument.
Let's say that ginger's the most beautiful,
Mrs. Howell certainly
is the most gracious,
and last but not least,
Mary Ann is the sweetest.
Yeah, let's say that.
Let's not say it!
I said that Mrs. Howell
is the most beautiful
creature in the world,
and that is precisely what I meant!
I beg your pardon,
when I said that Mary Ann
was the most beautiful in the
world, that is exactly what I meant.
I know, I know!
Let's have a beauty contest
here on the island,
and we can pick a a miss castaway.
Ooh, a beauty contest here?
Well, that suits me fine.
I think it's a marvelous idea.
I agree, too.
See you on the runway, girls.
Oh, gilligan, what a can
of peas have you opened.
All I said was we should
have a beauty contest.
Well, how do I look?
Ginger, believe me,
you look like the Venus
de Milo, with arms!
What about the talent part?
Oh, well, I was thinking
of doing the final scene
from my last movie. It's very dramatic.
Oh, good! Let's hear it.
I surrender to our
passions, my love, willingly
hi, skipper. I finished the
runway so I thought I'd come over
and see if you needed anything at all
I want to go where you go. Right now?
Lift me to the heavens, my love,
sweep me off my feet.
Oh, please, take me
with you. Carry me off.
Well, I'll try. Where do you
want me to carry you to?
Gilligan! Gilligan, are you insane?!
She said to sweep her off and
take her up into the heavens, so
gilligan, can't you see
we're trying to work?
What is it you want?
Well, I finished the runway, skipper, so
alright, you want something
else to do. Is that it?
Here, gilligan. Go get us some
lobsters for lunch. Now get out!
You don't have to yell.
Yes, I do! Will you go?!
Now, ginger, right where we left off.
I surrender to our passions, my love.
Well, professor, I bet you never thought
you'd be coaching a beauty contest.
Mary Ann, the combination
of your natural attributes
and my scientific approach
will prove unbeatable. Look.
Seaweed shampoo, for lustrous hair.
Crushed blackberries
for darkening the lashes.
Powdered hibiscus for Ruby lips,
and coconut oil for baby-soft skin.
Just add a little vinegar and I could
enter the contest as a Caesar salad.
You leave it to me.
By the time science and I are through,
you'll make ginger and Mrs. Howell
look like dropouts from boys' town.
What's the fishing pole for?
Why, that's to provide you
with a form of isometric exercise.
Isometric exercise?
Yes. Always remember that true beauty
is the end result of the
inner glow of good health,
and isometric exercise provides
for the inner play of
muscle against muscle
to improve the general physique.
Oh, but professor, I just want
to beat Mrs. Howell and ginger,
not Cassius Clay.
I'll just attach this to your bathing suit.
You get in that lagoon and you
swim just as hard as you possibly can.
You're sure it'll help me win?
Yes, this will provide for the inner
play of muscle against muscle.
Alright, but I don't want to come
out looking like Johnny weissmuller.
Don't worry. You won't.
Now, you get in there
and you swim just as
hard as you possibly can.
Hold on!
Oh, professor! You hooked a big one!
No, gilligan! Gilligan, I am busy!
Let me help! Don't let him get away!
[Arguing continues]
[Shrieks]
Aah!
Huh.
Must have been a her.
Gilligan! Oh!
Good heavens.
You go get her.
Alright, hands on hips,
deep knee bend. Here we go.
Alright, there, 1, 2.1, 2.
1, 2. Lower, lovey, 1, 2.1, 2.
1, 2.1, 2. Alright, I think
you can rest now, my dear.
Oh, really, thurston, this is silly.
Who's going to vote for me over
those two beautiful young girls?
But, my dear, you're a ho well,
and no one can beat a ho well.
Yes, but does everybody
think like a ho well?
Now wait a minute.
Are you or are you not
rich enough to be the most
beautiful woman wherever you go?
Thurston, I'm afraid it's hopeless.
Unless, of course, we can
convince gilligan to vote for me.
Wait a minute. Do you
think I'm the type of man
who would try and influence a judge
in a fair-and-square contest?
Yes, thurston.
You know me pretty good,
don't you? Yes.
After all, a ho well gets what he needs
and right now, all we need is gilligan.
Okay, ginger, let's try
that acting scene again.
You know, skipper, I was just thinking.
You shouldn't have yelled
at gilligan this morning.
Why not?
Well, because Mr. Howell
is gonna vote for his wife,
and the professor's
gonna vote for Mary Ann,
and that leaves gilligan
to elect miss castaway.
Why, I know, but he has to vote for you.
I mean, you're the obvious winner.
Well, thank you very much,
but sometimes the
obvious one doesn't win.
Well, you've got a point there.
Gilligan is kinda tender-hearted.
He might vote for the underdog.
That is, I mean, girl.
That's right. So we're going to have to do
something to convince him.
Yes. We do need gilligan.
Just think tall.
Oh, I appreciate all the work
you've gone through, professor,
but it's no use.
Ginger's just too glamorous,
and Mrs. Howell's too darned cultured.
Now, I will not tolerate negative thinking.
Do you or do you not
want to be miss castaway?
Well, of course I do, but
Well, do you think
I can get gilligan's vote?
Ooh, that reminds me.
I was a bit harsh this morning
on our uncommitted delegate.
Well, I'm sure gilligan will be fair.
Well, just the same,
we've got to remedy that.
We need gilligan.
All I wanted to do was try to help.
Everybody yells at me,
picks on me, and
Gladys.
Gladys, give me back my hat.
Gladys, my hat.
Please.
Gladys, give me my hat!
[Chattering angrily]
Look, don't tell me your
troubles, I got enough of my own.
What am I gonna do, Gladys?
[Chatters]
Tell them to stop walking over me?
Yeah? And be firm?
Oh, here he comes, skipper.
Gilligan, little buddy, you're just in time.
We saved the biggest lobster for you.
Oh, no, you don't. I'm
not taking any more of that.
Oh, gilligan, it's delicious.
I cooked it especially for you.
Thanks, ginger. I guess
it pays to fight back.
Nothing's too good for my little buddy.
Ooh, yeah. Everybody loves a fighter.
Gilligan, you don't want that.
Huh? Yes I do.
No, you don't.
He does, too. No, he does not.
Here, try this, gilligan.
It's really much better.
I picked the herbs and the fruits myself.
It's good.
No, you don't. Mine is much better,
gilligan, really.
Vitamin a, gilligan, vitamin a.
Exactly what a nice boy like you needs
to grow big and strong.
Ooh, I can hardly wait.
Gilligan, dear, I made
those hors d'oeuvres
especially for your discerning palate.
Here, my boy. Try that.
[Whispers] What's that?!
From my own private stock.
It beats that rabbit food
any day of the week, eh?
Come back here, gilligan.
You eat that lobster, and that's an order.
Because we want you to be happy.
Well, so do we.
Gilligan's happiness means more to us
than anything in the world.
Well, everybody's so happy,
how come you're mad at each other?
Oh, gilligan, we don't want
to worry you with that.
We know whatever your decision
will be, it'll be unbiased.
My decision about what?
Well, about who wins the beauty contest,
of course.
We respect your integrity, gilligan.
That's why we're glad
you have the deciding vote.
Deciding vote? Me?
Look, I don't want to be judge.
Mr. Howell: You have
no choice in the matter.
To gilligan, who will cast the
deciding vote for Mrs. Howell.
For ginger! For Mary Ann!
Look, I'm not gonna vote
for anybody right now;
ginger, Mary Ann, or
Mrs. Howell! No! Uh-uh!
Alright, then, my dear.
We will make our meals elsewhere.
Come on, skipper.
Mrs. Howell: Come along, thurston.
We'll have our dinner
in our rooms, darling.
[Chattering]
Whoo-ooh-ooh ooh!
A friendly little beauty contest.
You know what I think, Gladys?
It's about as friendly as world war ii.
Skipper: Gilligan!
Hey, Gladys, it's okay.
It's just the skipper. The skipper.
You remember the skipper,
don't you? Huh?
Yeah, that's him.
Skipper: Gilligan!
Gilligan, where are you?!
There you are.
Hi, skipper. I'd like you to meet Gladys.
Gladys, this is the skipper.
Gladys, how oh, I know Gladys!
Gilligan, I've got to talk to you.
Alone.
Alone? Oh, okay, skipper.
Gladys, you got to go now.
I'll see you later, okay?
[Chattering]
Ow!
What did you want
to talk about, skipper?
Gilligan, there's a broken heart
for every light on Broadway,
and we have one
right here on this island.
A light on Broadway?
No, gilligan, a broken heart.
Now, think about it.
If you had Broadway lying at your feet
and it was all smashed to smithereens,
what would you do?
Stay off Broadway.
Gilligan, please. Give ginger
back a piece of her dream.
Make it up to her for the way
the cruel fates have treated her.
I guess you're right, skipper.
Ginger deserves to win.
That's right, little buddy.
Professor: Gilligan?
I'm down here.
So you are.
I am delighted that you
dropped by, gilligan.
Gives me a chance to talk to you,
to appeal to your reason,
your your intellect.
Okay, professor. Appeal.
There's a girl on this island
to whom victory would be the pinnacle,
the attainment of all
her unspoken dreams,
her unfulfilled desires.
Do you know who I'm talking about?
I don't even know what
you're talking about.
Alright, follow me, gilligan.
Now, first there's ginger. She's
made her Mark in the world.
For the rest of her life she can
talk about her fabulous career.
Now, consider Mrs. Howell.
She's got her fabulous husband
and then there is Mary Ann.
Pretty, sweet, little Mary Ann.
Now, what does she have that could
be considered really and truly fabulous?
Her butterfly collection?
Oh, try to understand, gilligan.
Mary Ann needs to be miss castaway
as the other 2 couldn't possibly,
and you can do this for her, gilligan.
You must do this for her.
Well, I guess you're right, professor.
Mary Ann deserves to win.
Aww. What a lovely thought.
You see, on one hand,
the skipper's right,
and ginger should win;
and on the other hand, the professor's
right, and Mary Ann should win.
Oh, what a spot.
Only an idiot would get
himself in a spot like this.
What?!
I don't know. There must be an
answer to the problem somewhere.
I don't know.
I wish somebody would
tell me what to do.
I'd be very happy to tell you, my boy.
Thanks.
Ahh!
Oh. It's you, Mr. Howell.
Gilligan, I'm a man of few words.
What will it cost to get your vote?
A yacht, villa on the riviera,
controlling interest in
the golden gate bridge?
Mr. Howell, you're trying to bribe a judge.
No, no, no. Just testing your honesty,
and may I say that you came
through with flying colors.
Then you're not trying to influence me?
Oh, no, no. Cherish the thought.
Let's sit down and chat
a while, shall we?
Okay. What about?
Mrs. Howell, of course.
Oh. What's her problem?
Any woman's most cherished
possession, her pride.
I mean, look at it this way:
Mrs. Howell, a woman of renown,
competing in an ordinary
contest like that.
It isn't fair. It isn't equitable.
It isn't Democratic, if you'll
pardon the expression.
Now, suppose your own mother
was running against Tuesday weld.
Tuesday weld?
Who would you vote for?
I'd choose mom. I'd choose mom.
You're absolutely right.
A vote for Mrs. Howell
is a vote for those ladies
that deserve our recognition:
The American wife and American mother
and private enterprise.
Gilligan, are you an American?
Yes, sir, and I vote for Mrs. Howell.
3, if you don't mind. 3, okay.
[Whistles yankee doodle dandy]
On one hand there's ginger,
on the other hand there's Mary Ann.
Looks like I'm gonna need
another hand for Mrs. Howell.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
and welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
to the first annual
miss castaway contest.
[Cheers and whistles]
Mr. Howell: Oh, lovely.
Professor: The lovely
contestants are: Number one
[Music playing]
Miss Mary Ann.
Professor: That's lovely, dear.
Number 2, ginger.
Attagirl, ginger! Come on!
Skipper: Oh, boy!
Boy, you look wonderful, ginger.
Professor: And last but not least,
Mrs. Thurston ho well the third.
Oh, bravo, bravo, Mrs. Howell.
Never mind the tempo, darling.
You're above it. You're a ho well.
Thurston: Bravo!
Such grace! Bravo!
And now the next event, worth 25 points,
for charm, poise, and sincerity.
The first contestant: Miss Mary Ann.
Now, you just relax, dear,
and you tell us in your own
sweet, charming, simple way
what it is that you want most out of life.
[Clears throat]
I would like a world without strife,
universal Harmony, international goodwill
where the
Spirit of brotherhood enriches
all of mankind forever. Thank you.
Oh, how revolting.
Thank you, thank you, Mary Ann,
for that sincere, unselfish,
and unrehearsed speech.
Thank you, my dear. Please be seated.
And now for contestant number 2
[whistles]
Ginger! Come on!
Will you wait, please, till I introduce her?
I already know ginger.
Come on, ginger! Go!
Alright, then. Miss ginger.
Thank you.
First of all,
I'd like to thank all
of you wonderful people
for allowing me to be in
this wonderful contest.
It really is a wonderful experience,
and it makes a girl feel wonderful.
Wonderful!
Second of all,
I'd like to thank all
of you marvelous people
for allowing me to be in
this marvelous contest.
It really is a marvelous experience,
and it makes a girl feel marvelous.
Marvelous! Marvelous!
Thirdly thank you very much, ginger.
I'm not finished yet.
For allowing me to be in
this terrific contest.
Ginger, your time is up.
Thank you very much.
Terrific! Terrific!
And now for our third contestant,
Mrs. Thurston ho well III.
Thurston: Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo!
I'm not going to make
an unrehearsed speech,
or a speech that's
wonderful, marvelous, terrific.
I'm just going to say thank you, judge,
for being the son of an American mother.
Bravo! Bravo!
More! Encore! Author!
Thank you.
And now there will be a 5-minute
break for a costume change
before we commence with
the talent competition.
Thank you.
[Whistling]
Thurston: Very good! Good show!
And now, to open the talent competition,
Mary Ann will perform a soft-shoe dance.
[Cheers and whistles]
What's the matter, professor? You
having trouble with the phonograph?
Uh, just a moment.
Here, I'll help you.
Whoop.
Almost stepped in the glue.
Professor: Alright.
Take your seats, please.
[Music starts]
Dear, what is the matter?
Oh, I've never been so
embarrassed in my whole life!
Look!
Something wrong, Mary Ann?
Oh, I don't know. My shoe!
What is it, Mary Ann?
Glue, I guess.
Glue!
Take your foot out of your shoe.
That's it.
Mr. Howell, you put glue on that stage.
Oh, man, now where would I get glue?
I mean
Something in a 40 you
need a new tailor, there.
Mr. Howell, 2 can play at that game.
Mrs. Thurston ho well the third
will now recite a dramatic poem.
Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo! Bravo!
Paul revere's ride.
Listen, my children, and you shall hear,
of the midnight ride of Paul revere.
On the eighteenth of April in '75,
hardly a man is now alive
who remembers that
famous day and year.
He said to his friend if
If
[Whispers] If the British march.
If the British march. Hut, 2.
No coaching from the audience.
If the British march from town tonight,
by land and or by sea,
hang a lantern high
in the north church tower
for as a signal
ah-choo! Ah-choo!
Excuse me.
Light one if by land
2 if by
ah-ah-ah-ah-choo!
Ah-ah-choo!
If by sea.
And I, on the opposite shore will be
ready to
ah-choo!
Oh, I can't do this anymore!
Ah-choo!
Ah-choo! Ah-choo!
Thank you very much, Mrs. Howell.
You had something to do with this,
and don't try and tell me that you didn't!
Why, I haven't the slightest
idea what you're talking about.
I'll tell you what you both did.
You just cancelled yourselves
out of the competition.
Ha! Well, I guess we know
whose girl's gonna win now.
Professor: I'll see about that.
Why don't you two just sit down.
And now for the final contestant
in the talent competition,
miss ginger!
[Jazz music starts]
let me ♪
entertain you ♪
let me make you smile ♪
let me do a few tricks ♪
some old and then some new tricks ♪
I'm very versatile ♪
and if you're real good ♪
I'll make you feel good ♪
I want your spirits to climb ♪
ooh ♪
let me entertain you ♪
ow!
A good time ♪
ow! Ow! Ow!
Oh ♪
ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
We're even Steven.
Give me back the weapon.
Okay, I'm ready.
Alright, little buddy.
Get up on the stage and announce it,
little shipmate.
You ladies may be seated.
First of all, I'd like to say all
the ladies are very beautiful
and each one deserves to win.
Yeah. Very charmingly said.
Never mind that now, gilligan.
Who won?
With all due respect
to candidate number one,
and candidate number 2,
and candidate number 3,
my deciding vote goes
to candidate number 4.
4?
But there were only 3 candidates,
not 4, you fool.
What are you talking about, gilligan?
I had my own candidate.
You had your own contest?
Here, I'll show you.
Miss castaway!
I've never seen anything like it in my life.
A monkey.
She's prettier than we are?!
And you call yourself an American.
That's just it, Mrs. Howell.
We're all Americans except her.
What's that got to do with it?
Well, to enter a beauty
contest you have to be a native,
and she's the only one
born on the island.
Well, he's got a point there.
And besides, if I picked one
of the ladies, I'd get in trouble.
Well, he's got a point there, too.
If I picked Gladys,
I can't get in any trouble.
I don't think. Whoa!
Gilligan, little buddy!
How about telling us who
really won the contest?
I already told you. Gladys.
Come on, come on. We're friends.
Just for the record,
show us who won on points.
No one. No one.
With all those notes you'd been making,
someone must have been ahead.
Let me see!
Tick-tack-toe?
They're all covered with tick-tack-toes.
I didn't want you to see
I lost every game.
They're here for a long, long time ♪
they'll have to make the best of things ♪
it's an uphill climb ♪
the first mate and his skipper, too ♪
will do their very best ♪
to make the others comfortable ♪
in their tropic island nest ♪
no phone, no light ♪
no motor cars, not a single luxury ♪
like Robinson crusoe ♪
it's primitive as can be ♪
so join us here each week, my friends ♪
you're sure to get a smile ♪
from 7 stranded castaways ♪
here on gilligan's isle ♪♪