Going Dutch (2025) s02e02 Episode Script

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Colonel Quinn, I want to
thank you for allowing me to
use USAG Stroopsdorf
to announce my candidacy
for the Burgermeester.
And you can thank me personally
once you are the Burgermeester.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Do we know why she wants to
announce her candidacy here?
- It's pretty obvious.
- What?
What? Like, you know, like
when a woman leaves an earring
at a guy's apartment,
this is her version of it.
She needs to prance in here looking fine
in that pantsuit for me.
What is it with you and pantsuits?
Come on. They're monochrome,
buttons in all the right places.
They leave nothing in the imagination.
Although I'm still using my imagination.
Katja is not here to
flirt with you, all right?
She hasn't even talked to
you in like three months.
Maggie, you don't know women
the way that I know women.
[SPEAKING IN DUTCH]
- I don't know what she's saying.
- It's just something about
- about boy bands, maybe.
- I don't.
Unbelievable, you guys.
Learn the language.
Okay, she's saying. [INHALES]
- I heard, I heard giraffe.
- Oh, really?
You heard? What would
she be talking about?
Jan? Can you translate?
'Cause I don't wanna
miss any compliments?
- [SPEAKING IN DUTCH]
- [CROWD EXCLAIMS]
She said that she discovered that
the colonel's closed the
base's bowling alley
[SPEAKING IN DUTCH]
The bowling alley was the heartbeat
of Stroopsdorf Village,
and she vows to fight
the American oppressors
who introduced the
sport to the villages,
only to rip it away
like heartless savages.
- This is an ambush.
- You know, don't worry about it.
- The people here love the base.
- [SPEAKING IN DUTCH]
- [ALL] USA! USA!
- See?
Nah, your goose is
cooked, ja. [CHUCKLES]
She just asked, "Who do you hate?"
- Everyone hates you.
- [ALL] USA! USA!
[THEME MUSIC]
Hey, Katja. [CHUCKLES]
Listen, I know you're mad at me,
and I know why because you need to hear
a couple of words from me.
I'm so very willing to take you back.
Okay? So clean slate, start over.
And can you just get up there
now and call the dogs off?
- All right?
- Hmm.
Your absolute non-apology
is meaningless.
You exploited our
relationship and my trust.
Why would I take you back?
Because women do it all the time.
- Normally with me. What?
- Oh! Patrick.
I have too much self-respect to be
in a relationship with you again.
But this pantsuit.
- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]
Yeah. This was for them, not for you.
- Yeah. Okay, did you see that?
- What?
- Yeah.
- Embarrassing.
She's still so in love
with me it's unbelievable.
Yeah, it's certainly embarrassing.
And did you catch the pantsuit?
You know what I'm saying now?
I mean, I hate to see 'em go,
but I love to watch 'em leave.
Okay, We've got to start
creating boundaries.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Oh, my God, look at
this Katja announcement.
The comments are insane.
Well, people are saying
that the bowling alley
was considered a sacred third space.
- Yeah.
- I mean, if I'd known that,
I would have closed it
a lot sooner. [CHUCKLES]
And that is why they
call you the "Dwevil".
You know what? I'm called the devil
in six different languages?
I'm proud to add a seventh.
Just a suggestion, but
maybe you could consider
focusing on de-escalating
the situation.
Honey, that's not a real thing.
I know it's a word, but
it's not a real thing.
Words are words because they are things.
In the US military,
we do not de-escalate.
We escalate and escalate until
we can't escalate anymore.
Somebody wins, somebody
loses. In this case, she lost.
She lost something she'll
never be able to get back again.
That's what happened to her.
- You?
- Moi.
That's why she's lashing out.
That's why I have to escalate
before she escalates.
Ah-ah. Did you see that?
Escalation.
[TENSE MUSIC]
I love how Maggie decorated this place.
You know what? I don't know
if it's the runner's high
but let's split a croissant.
What? A carby, messy breakfast.
I don't recognize my own husband.
[BOTH SIGH]
Is everything okay?
Yes and no. Um
There's something I need
to talk to you about.
When we were separated,
I made what, uh, in hindsight
were some, uh, questionable
financial decisions
'cause I was in a lot of pain.
- Like how much pain?
- I bought a boat with Terrance.
The guy you dated for like three months.
- Yeah.
- Okay, but you don't even sail.
I don't. I was just, uh, using
it for recreational activities.
Like water skiing?
Like recreational activities on a boat.
Oh, my God. A sex boat.
- I was in a bad place, okay?
- You think?
I was in a weird time in my life.
- Yeah.
- I, uh, watched a lot of
Is it Cake? on the dark web.
And when it's not cake, yeah,
really wish it were cake.
Okay, so what's the interest rate?
- Four 40.
- Four 40 percent?
- This is my problem, mydebt
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- and I'm gonna handle it.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
If we're gonna make it work,
we have to be a team this time.
- Okay?
- Okay.
We're gonna pay it off together ASAP.
Wow, you really are the best.
- You are the best.
- And I can make
smarter money choices, like this coffee
I don't need fancy expensive coffees.
- I'm gonna try matcha.
- Right now?
[CLATTERS]
- Hey!
- Oh, hey, Conway,
you got any one of
those hustles going on?
Provided it's completely
legal, count me possibly in.
Look, I just don't work with friends.
- So Good luck though.
- Yo, Shah!
I couldn't help but overhear
about your money troubles
with your wife's sex boat.
Okay, corporal, can everyone
please stop saying "sex boat"?
Pleasure cruise, bang
raft, rub and tugboat.
One more and you're in the stockade.
Well, you're lucky I only had those.
Look, I've always wanted to do
one of Conway's schemes.
Guess what? We don't need her.
I know one of her contacts.
His name starts with a B or something.
Either way, he's a transport pilot.
Dude will hook me up at cost.
No import fees or taxes.
I am talking wine, watches,
sneakers, salamis. Set
up a meeting if you want.
They had a lot of different
matchas, so I got one of each.
[CHUCKLES]
Let's set up that meeting.
- Okay?
- Mm-hm.
-
- What are you doing?
You're just getting too close.
Haven't you ever tailed a kid before?
- No.
- He's definitely
a child soldier. Look
at the unpredictable path
- he's taking.
- That's called skipping.
No, it's called him
being on a recon mission.
Damn, what do you do ?
What the hell is this?
That's the town farmers market,
must have really expanded.
What are you doing on US property, huh?
- We use the bathrooms over here.
- Oh, great, great.
So you hate us, but you come over here
to use our bathrooms.
Let me tell you something.
America didn't become
the number one country
in the history of countries just so you
can go number two wherever you want?
America's only number one in
obesity and healthcare costs.
Hey? And roller coasters.
- Yeah.
- And roller coasters.
So get the hell out of here.
Back in through the
hole, tell your friends
they come near this
hole, I'm gonna shoot 'em.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Yeah, that's right, kid. I'm the devil.
Go tell your parents.
All right, what do we got?
Watches, purses, salamis?
Even better.
Lobsters.
- What?
- Bougie, right?
What are you doing? You
never mentioned live animals.
Okay, when lobsters
die, they're worthless.
What are we gonna do now?
Well, step number one, we're gonna
- relax, okay?
- We're gonna relax?
- We're gonna be fine.
- We're gonna be fine.
Selling these lobsters is gonna be
as easy as selling lobsters
- as to, to, to, to a
- to a
- To a, I don't know.
- Yeah.
Man. I don't know who to sell them to.
I don't know how to sell them.
Okay? This could be easier.
It could be very, very
hard, I don't even know
- how to cook the things.
- Okay.
- All right?
- Okay.
I don't know what I'm doing, man.
- I'm wailing over here.
- Okay.
Listen, as a reasonable person
who's grounded in reality.
- That's what we need right now.
- Yep.
- I am spinning.
- And I am out.
No. Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, man,
I don't get your half,
that guy's breaking my legs.
He's not gonna break your legs.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
He's definitely gonna break your legs.
You're the logistics genius.
Okay, okay.
Lobsters, lobster fest.
Red lobster, rock,
lobster, surf and turf.
Market price. Market price.
Farmers market. That's it.
We can sell them at the
farmers market, the base.
- Oh! [LAUGHS]
- We can unload them today!
- Ugh!
- Dude, I don't know
why you're worrying so much, man!
- Okay, I'm a genius. Here we go.
- You're a genius.
Here's my half of the lobster money.
Emergency meeting in the
conference room right now.
That God forsaken farmers
market has got to go.
You legally committed.
You already touched a lobster.
You know, they call us names,
they treat us like the enemy,
but then they want to come over here
and use our quilted
American toilet paper?
- I don't think so.
- Well, in reality,
they're probably just using our bidets.
You're telling me they come
over here to wash their asses?
You got to be kidding me.
They want an enemy.
They got an enemy now.
But it is just a farmers market.
- Yeah.
- Where you can buy,
I don't know, vegetables, fruit,
and very fresh,
reasonably priced seafood.
Anybody else craving a lobster roll?
Yeah, me, I am.
Does Katja really think
we're just gonna stand here
- and take this crap?
- I mean, we could.
No, no, no. You know
what this means, right?
Well, it means that we could come
to a mutually agreed upon solution
with our international partners.
- [ABRAHAM] That's
- What a team!
Father and daughter at it again.
- What a team. Quinn! Quinn!
- Or, or
or just playing dwevil's advocate,
we can go to war.
So I think
- War.
- War.
- Yeah.
- War.
Prepare for war.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
You can move past war right
into the realm of war crime.
What are you talkin' about?
This is very important
smokescreen training
that we do every year.
Private Someone, unleash hell.
It's not tear gas or
anything. Just a little smoke.
It barely burns.
And you know, it's a
very important exercise.
But once it's up in the
air and the wind they cover,
there's nothing I can
really do about it.
[GUNSHOT]
[ALL SCREAMING]
And that is how you escalate.
- [GUNSHOT]
- [ALL SCREAMING]
Oh, yeah, fire another one.
- Hello. I am going to be speaking in English
-
-
- in a way that the Americans will understand.
So the people of Stroopsdorf
are, like, really, like, united.
And we are literally declaring
an embargo on the base, y'all.
Our town will no longer sell fruit,
produce, meat, milk or eggs to the base.
All you will be left with
is your American slop.
So eat up, you partially
hydrogenated little piggies.
Are you excited? I'm obsessed.
So she just said, "eat
up, your American piggies".
- I understand English, Jan.
- Well, good. Good.
Then you understand how bad this is.
It's okay. We're equipped for this.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
We are not equipped for this.
I have gotten these soldiers used
to a Michelin star level of dining,
and now the chefs refuse
to cook their dishes
without the finest,
freshest ingredients.
So I have no choice.
We're serving MREs.
It's Ceviche Saturday,
and now I'm eating
Southwest Surprise chunks.
Surprise, the chunks are sharp.
[RETCHING]
I need another vomit bucket.
Okay, uh, now will you
let me de-escalate to this?
Listen, I also know Katja personally,
and I feel like I can
make some real headway
if I come to her on a human level,
which obviously you're not able to do
- because you are inhuman.
- Thank you.
I studied this in college, okay?
So I'd like to put it into practice.
The problem with these soldiers
is they're not tough enough.
- That's the real issue.
- Mmm.
Thank you.
[SPLATTERING]
But you are tough enough, right?
Oh, yeah, this is stuff
that soldiers are supposed
to be eating, MREs.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[RETCHING]
- Go talk to her.
- Okay, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, that's the worst
thing I've ever had.
- Okay. Thank you.
- At least get her
to let some hot sauce in. Oh, my God.
-
- [ABRAHAM] pH balance looks good.
Now we just got to
keep these babies alive
until that river cruise ship docks
on Cologne for the weekend.
Old people love a soft meat.
Now, historically, I'm not great
at keeping secrets, but this time,
I am going to do it.
Okay, well, what about
your new roommate?
He's struggling.
Yeah. Ever since he
transferred from Baumholder.
I can tell from reading
his journal, it's all
"I don't think Papadakis likes me.
I don't think Papadakis respects me.
I think Papadakis is reading my diary."
- It's worrying.
- No, no, no, no.
I meant can we trust him?
Probably not.
- Oh, hey, uh, Specialist Gideon.
- Here he is.
Keeping live animals in the
barracks is against the rules.
Oh, my God. This guy's such a narc.
Okay, nobody's narc. Nobody's a narc.
- Oh, no, I'm a narc.
- Okay, don't need to prove it.
Um, how are we gonna make this okay?
What do you need?
I want a lobster.
Okay. Okay. Like to eat?
What? No, to raise.
- Let's get him a lobster.
- Fine.
Take Darren.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- You'll never be his real dad.
- Don't say that.
I should have let that
guy break your legs.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Katja. Hi.
Uh, I'm here to negotiate
a truce with you.
But you know, we could get to
the bottom of this, as ladies.
- As a couple of ladies?
- Yeah.
We cannot let our
marginalization as women
be weaponized in the interest
of the American empire.
Be that as it may, I know neither of us
wants this whole thing to get ugly.
And we also know how
crazy my dad can get.
I mean, he thought you sent like,
a child soldier to
the base the other day.
I did.
Sorry, what?
Well, he was my tool
to provoke a response.
Your father acting the
villain made me the hero.
A-are you saying that your goal
was to escalate the situation?
Of course. What else is there?
Wow, you guys were
really perfect together.
- No, he is the enemy.
- No, see that-that's the thing.
We're not the enemy.
I mean, between us non
marginalized ladies,
the base really brings
more value to the community
than it even does to the US military.
So in other words, it's useless?
Well
Uh, uh
[LAUGHTER]
Why are we laughing?
Because I had somebody
from the local government
look at the original agreement
between the US government
and the town of Stroopsdorf,
and he found something
in the small print
and it says if the base
is rendered useless,
it shall be returned
to the Dutch people.
Well, actually, jokes
that you have to explain
are not that funny.
We are not going to stop
at the farmers market.
We're going to take back the whole base.
Well, I
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
-
- You're telling me Katja
wants to take back the base?
Yes, I know. But I am going to fix it.
- I've got a lot of ideas.
- Oh, you have a lot of ideas how to keep me
from becoming the
first US military leader
in history to lose land in Europe.
That's what you're telling me?
Your diplomacy thing is done.
You know what's happening?
They're moving the farmers market
to the town square,
we are gonna storm it
and get our goods back, okay?
So what I need from you right now
is not ideas. I need four tanks.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[DANA KNOCKS] Open up, I
know you're hiding shellfish
in there. Oh-ho-ho.
So you tried to pull
a con without Conway?
This is the most
amateur lobster smuggling
I've ever seen. I expected
more from you, Shah.
Yeah, so did I. I'm surprising myself.
I just wanted a fresh
start for Celeste and I,
and I figured if I can
move these lobsters,
- we have a chance.
- Wow!
We are not in this for the same reasons.
Of course I'll help you, Shah.
For 50 percent of the profits.
- Wait, 50 percent?
- 50 percent?
- I could have gotten money?
- Of course.
I'm the only one who can fix this.
You have all the power
when you have the ear
of the person in power.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
Why aren't you out solving
this farmers market crisis?
It involves all the things you love.
Communication, soft power, fresh honey.
True, honey never goes bad.
But you know I've already tried
and failed at making peace,
and my dad trusted me to do it my way,
and now he is never
gonna trust me again.
Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.
No one's good at
anything their first time.
Especially my high school girlfriend.
I mean you would think
because we have the same parts
that it wouldn't feel like
she was looking for her keys
at the bottom of her purse, but it did.
Well, that break up was ugly.
- Like Katja and my dad.
- Mm.
I need to get them to really talk.
- I should call my ex.
- I've been trying to solve
the wrong problem the whole time.
I mean, she has to be
better at it by now, right?
- Right.
- Right.
- Well, anyways
- Yeah.
You get out there and you let
your diplomat flag fly.
- Thank you. Yes, okay.
- Right, yeah, come on.
Get this.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[SIGHS] Katya, a moment.
You know they sell blow
dryers on every street corner.
Okay, you know, shutting
down the base hurts you,
this embargo hurts you,
and moving forward with the fine print
is mutually-assured destruction.
Well, sometimes you
need to be broken down
- to be built back up like
- Like my father in the bedroom.
Yeah, I got it. These are
your whole numbers. Okay?
You see, the people aren't
really blaming my dad
for closing the farmers
market. They're blaming you.
You need to talk to me.
Well, not me exactly. [CLEARS THROAT]
Okay, I will not eat Indian food.
Too much curry, not enough ketchup.
Dad, sit, I brought the ketchup.
There is not a problem
between the base and the town.
There is a problem
between the two of you.
And we are not leaving this table
until you two figure out
how to get over this breakup
without causing an
international incident.
And if you don't start talking,
I will have to escalate
with the king of heartbreak,
Phil Collins.
- Play, "Take a Look at Me Now."
- No, no.
- Ooh, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, please.
- We'll talk.
- We'll talk.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I did wear the pantsuit for you.
[SPEAKING IN DUTCH]
She says she's proud to announce
that the farmers market
and the base came to a resolution.
They will give land to the town,
and the town will give
new land to the base.
And now, rather than
standing on borrowed ground,
we once again stand on Dutch soil.
Whoo! How joyous. Okay,
I'm gonna get a smoothie.
And thank you, Colonel Quinn.
And I ask you all to
please support my candidacy
for Burgermeester.
[MAGGIE] So is this good for us?
But I think Katja is
gonna win in a landslide.
Ooh! How do you like the new territory?
First American military
leader to gain land in Europe
and give some back too. But
the press release won't get that far.
I mean, listen, we got a plum tree,
and they got a little piece of land
with a broken sewage
system 'cause I flushed
a bunch of our MREs down
their toilets. Couldn't resist.
It's basically like southwestern cement.
And I got to say, you know
what? You really would make
- a great politician.
- Really?
[PATRICK] Well, yeah, you're really good
at dealing with difficult people
like Katja, you know?
Yeah. Well, I have to admit
there really was something
to the whole, uh,
escalation thing after all.
Oh, God, that-that Phil
Collins thing was just brutal.
- Those are so good.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm. Plums!
- Laundry, cheese, plums.
I like the sound of it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Two lobsters, please.
- Right away. You got it.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Very welcome.
- Aww.
I love kids when they have money.
So do you keep getting
back together with Celeste
because she's a fun mess
- you like to clean up?
- No.
Maybe. I don't know.
The codependency is the strongest form
of a relationship.
That's how we work, okay?
She makes things interesting,
and I like to feel needed.
Okay, well, at least the
cadence sounded healthy.
Yo, soon as I figure
out the exchange rate,
- we might be rich.
- Oh!
And we just sold our last 20 lobsters.
- Yes!
- Oh, yeah!
[CHEERING]
Hi! Party at our house
to celebrate all the money we made.
'Cause I just bought 20 lobsters.
[CHUCKLES]
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[CHILDREN] It's going so well.