G'wed (2024) s02e02 Episode Script

1
Authorial intent is vital,
so always attack the question
by thinking about what Shelley
J. ..is trying to tell the reader.
For example Jam. Jamboree.
He even wants to
cheat death itself
for getting the moral
Juggernaut. Jalapeno. Jazz.
..moral and ethical im
..plications of his actions.
So much so Jizz.
Jackpot. Jack
Grealish. Joey Barton!
SCATTERED LAUGHTER
Joey Barton?
Er yeah.
Cos, as we know,
Joey Barton and Frankenstein
are both seen as monsters,
but did society
create them that way?
Good, Connor.
Poetic.
It's going on the board.
Except, we've been studying
Frankenstein for two months now
..and you still don't
know that "Frankenstein"
is the name of the
doctor, not the monster.
THEY LAUGH
You lost the game
With Frankenstein
You lost the game
With Frankenstein. ♪
You terrored yourself
See me at lunch
You've terrored yourself
So you can see me at lunch. ♪
THEY JEER, LAUGH
Do you need assistance to be able
to wash either your hair or body
below the waist? Why?
Are you offering? HE LAUGHS
You're gonna have to buy
me dinner first, love.
Mr Morris, I need you
to answer properly
if you wanna be fully
assessed. I'm sorry.
I can wash myself.
Er, and you said in the application
that you have vision problems.
Can we conduct an eye test?
Who said that?
Aimee, is that you?
THEY CHUCKLE
Sorry. Yeah, sometimes,
I get blurred vision
that lasts a few hours,
but they're OK today.
Could you read the letters
behind me from the top, please?
There's no point, is there?
I've just told you, my
eyes are fine today.
I'll need you to take
the test, Mr Morris.
E, F, P, N, J
It's fun to stay
At the YMCA, hey. ♪
THEY CHUCKLE Very good.
OK, so you will have to wait six
weeks for an official decision,
but I can tell you
now, you didn't receive
the total points required to
be awarded the standard rate
for the daily living
or mobility component.
What does that mean?
It means you will
not be awarded PIP.
Look, just check my medical
records, OK? It's all there.
We don't use medical
records, Mr Morris.
We are fully trained to assess
how your health condition
affects your daily life and
therefore your PIP eligibility.
You've just used the
word "life" there, love.
You do understand that the
past ten minutes isn't my life.
My life is waking
up every single day
and thinking I'm not
gonna let this affect me,
and then I can't
even get out of bed
because my leg's not
working properly.
My life is trying not to
feel sorry for myself,
and then the fear hits
me like a ton of bricks
and I've got no choice.
My life is being
petrified every single day
that I can't afford to support
my own bloody daughter,
so don't you sit there, love,
and tell me about my life. OK?
I haven't seen you that angry
since KFC forgot your gravy
in your Bucket for One.
Don't be trying to
make me sound insane.
There was a mini
fillet missing, too.
It was the double
blow that got to me.
Hey, we'll appeal it.
Yeah, but by then, it'll be,
"Can you put up your bloody
homeless tent unaided?"
What are we gonna do
if I can't work, eh?
We'll cope.
Then when I'm a famous actress
and we're living off my millions,
we'll drive past
here in a Lamborghini
giving them the fingers. Hm?
"Wahey, shove your
PIP up your arse!"
THEY CHUCKLE
He's too sick to work but
not sick enough to get PIP.
Hey, if you need money quick,
we could be brand ambassadors
like Abbey Clancy is for
Marks & Spencer's food.
Yeah, she gets Marksies.
What are we gonna get?
Westminster Kebabbey by ours?
MIA LAUGHS
When I'm walking home
pissed out my face,
I love nothing better than
the £7.99 doner crunch burger
from Westminster Kebabbey.
So if you don't mind
being perved at by Abdul,
this is the burger for you.
THEY LAUGH
Everything else is about
getting big on socials.
Beauty videos
make the most. Mm.
Hey, we've got make-up tips. We
could get followers doing that.
It's worth a try, I suppose.
Hmm. Oh, here he is.
How did this morning go?
Not good. We didn't get it.
I'm sorry. Everything's
gonna be all right.
Hey, surely, the 7th
Earl of Gimpy Shoes
is gonna inherit some estate?
Marry him and you're
sorted, girl. Hm!
THEY LAUGH
Oh, come on Mum, if
you save just one peno,
I'll hoover for two weeks.
See you later.
Where are you going?
All right, Sherlock.
I'm out with the girls.
Aren't you supposed
to be seeing your dad?
I am.
Just gonna whip a
few past you first.
Behave yourself.
I saved one last week and you
never touched that hoover.
Mum, you parried it onto the post,
and then it defo crossed the line.
Whatever, lad. See you later.
HE EXCLAIMS What's that?
Goal-line technology. You
actually put up a hidden camera?
Yes, I did, and there's one
in your bedroom as well.
What? SHE CLICKS TONGUE
See you later. Yeah.
Have fun with your
dad, baby. I will.
PHONE BUZZES
You all right, Dad? 'Son,
I've got to cancel tonight.
'Sorry, lad, but I'll
make it up to you.
'I've sent a brass to yours,
'and if you're anything like
your dad, you love an Asian.'
Nah, Dad, don't do that.
'I'm winding you up, lad!'
HE EXHALES 'It's
actually a BBW.'
What? 'Yeah, but I will make
it up to you. I promise.
'All right, ta-ra.
Bye, bye, bye.'
Did you see the
comments on our video?
"Suddenly, Maggie Thatcher leaving
Liverpool to rot is justified."
AIMEE SCOFFS
"This is why white girls
get a bad name." Huh?
Well, this one is
actually quite nice.
"I hope you both get
the help you need."
AIMEE SCOFFS Aw.
Yeah, it didn't exactly
take off, did it?
Well, what did you expect?
They saw through the desperate
attempt to make money.
Ee, well, how do you
make money? WokeFans?
AIMEE LAUGHS
POSH ACCENT: Subscribe for
exclusive content of white people
silently realising
their privilege.
THEY CHUCKLE
No, because money is a
superficial struggle.
Progress and injustice,
they're the real battles.
Hasn't your podcast
just started a Patreon?
Yeah, but all the money is
reinvested back into the podcast
for better equipment
or booking guests.
Had your hair done
recently? And your eyebrows?
We video the
podcasts for YouTube.
There's nothing wrong
with looking presentable.
Of course, it'll help.
POSH ACCENT: "Hello, refugees,
this is your pilot speaking.
"We're heading back to the UK.
"Asylum has just been granted.
"The Brimble has just
had her eyebrows tinted."
Through adversity,
heroes are born.
THEY LAUGH
Ugh, it's 12:30. Where is he?
We can't start the
meeting without him.
HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
What is that?
My mate got them made for
Mischief Night Thursday.
You know, mis-CHIEF.
We've all got
Indian Chief names.
I tried this once.
It's boss, innit?
And you think treating the
culture of a minority group
as one big joke is funny?
I-I didn't realise. I'm sorry.
Maybe next year, youse
can all do blackface,
and I can educate you on
why that's offensive, too?
Oh.
THEY LAUGH
Oh, right. OK.
So, Mr Offends People's Cultures,
are you coming to the shop?
PHONE BUZZES Oh.
I'm supposed to be
meeting the boys.
But they can wait.
Good shout. You finally
get to see my car.
Nice. Got it for my 17th.
The other comments were
just pervy, weren't they?
"No idea what youse are chatting,
but youse are heavy." Hm.
"Would smash the
ginger one." Mm. Mm.
Well, sex sells,
Aims, innit? Mm.
Lads have got to give
their cocks the final say.
We've both had messages on Insta
from lads saying they'll pay us
to text them, keep them
company, ask how their day was.
Imagine how much they'd pay if
I was like, "How's your day?
"Oh, and how's that big,
fat, lovely cock of yours?'
THEY LAUGH True.
Oh, Aimee, Lindsay's coming
in from RARE, Thursday.
She wants to talk
about your options
for sixth form after
your GCSEs. Be there. OK.
Hey, sir, doesn't sex sell?
What?
Like, if you had to
choose between Jodie
serving you cottage
pie in a bikini
or Sharon, you'd choose
Jodie, wouldn't you,
cos sex sells, and
she's got a good body?
No, not necessarily. Oh.
So you'd choose Sharon
over me, would you, sir?
I'm not saying I'd choose Sharon.
Wouldn't touch her with a barge pole
because she's not thin
enough for your taste, sir?
Love a bit of
fat-shaming, do you, sir?
Just because you're slim
and never struggled with
a weight problem, sir?
Well, actually Take
pure joy in eviscerating
Sharon's self-esteem, do
you, sir? What?! No
Part of a little online
community where you meet up
and make fun of overweight
people, are you, sir? No!
HE SIGHS Why?
"Little Trust Fund"
- very original.
What, just cos I'm Southern,
it must mean I'm rich?
It's cos it's true, lad.
And you inherited
everything you own.
Where have you been
lad? You're late.
My petrolheads club
ran over. Chill.
Right, let's just crack on.
This year's target
is Gordon Hyland.
THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMEN
The Country Fleet
Express bus driver
who single-handedly
ruined my football career.
Arsehole. Yeah, right.
And how did he do that?
I had a trial at
Stockport County.
My phone died, so I
couldn't show him my ticket
and he didn't let me on.
If you're good enough, you'll
get a trial somewhere else.
Nah, lad. I'm not
the same player, lad.
My confidence is shot.
Of course it is. I told
you not to question him.
Now, boys, this is the plan,
and if we pull this off,
they will be renaming
Mizzy Night after us.
Yeah. Yeah!
Oh, and guess what? My
dad's coming as well.
He said he's gonna teach us
some old-school mischief.
THEY EXCLAIM
Oh, my God ALL TALK AT ONCE
We're gonna cause carnage!
It'll be sound, you
know. PHONE BUZZES
I'll send the draft design
over. Oh, sorry, one sec.
What the fuck?
PHONE BUZZES
Hello? 'Hi, James.'
'I'm calling about your
recent test results.
'We recommend you come into
our clinic immediately.'
Now, we will be
following NHS protocol
and informing your
previous sexual partners,
who will come into our clinic
and, as revenge, get to critique
your lovemaking capabilities
in front of an audience.
MIA LAUGHS
Nah, you're not
funny. I shit myself.
Oh, you should get tested for
IBS as well, then, shouldn't you?
THEY LAUGH
Like the wallpaper
sticks To the wall
Like the seashore
clings To the sea
Like you'll never
get rid Of your shadow
Frank, you'll never
get rid Of me ♪
Porche 911?
Easy one, fella overcompensating
for his tiny cock.
HE TUTS Fuck's sake.
That car's my phone background.
I know, I saw it.
Point proven. THEY CHUCKLE
Nissan Skyline?
Pathetic wannabe bad boy, got
his mummy as the main driver
cos the insurance
is too expensive.
Hey! My ex had
that car I
..and you're absolutely
spot-on about him.
Ooh, same as me,
Volkswagen Scirocco.
17-year-old girl, runs
a sad Petrolheads Club
with only two members
and chauffeurs around
an absolute stud muffin.
THEY LAUGH
"No point using that
tiny little pecker on me.
"Lick my foo-foo instead."
Hmm
Adam Costello? Yeah.
THEY LAUGH A tenner
for that sext.
I mean, you've
got to admire him,
small cock, but he is
controlling the narrative. Mm-hm!
"I wanna feel your tongue all
over my pretty little feet."
Oh, easy one. That's Charlie
Kelly. He loves a foot, that lad.
Right, "I want your
BBC deep inside me."
Well, that narrows
it down - Leon Wood?
No, surprisingly, Ava Walsh.
Oh!
Whatever floats her
boat, I suppose.
How much did you make, then?
COINS CLINK 6.50.
See, things are looking up.
That'll get you
three Pot Noodles
for Wayne-o's breakfast,
dinner and tea.
THEY CHUCKLE
Here you are, you can
have what I've earnt. No.
I was doing it for you
anyway. Just take it.
Thank you.
You know what you're gonna
have to do next, though
No. THEY LAUGH
MO: Oh, here he
is. There we are.
Decided to join us, have you?
The shop won't sell us
eggs cos of Mischief Night.
That's why I gave you the
job of getting them early.
Divvy. I know.
You're a let-down, lad.
Are youse after some
gear, then, fellas, yeah?
Lad, I've told you, you
couldn't sell cum to your ma,
who's a massive slag.
Pipe down. Is she?
Your white and brown eggs are
your bog-standard cheapest gear.
Then you've got
your free-run eggs,
which are a bit lighter, so
they have a longer throw reach.
But the strongest stuff
I've got is your free-range.
They've got a superb splash,
so more damage potential.
They could cover the
fucking Taj Mahal, lad.
Might be a bit expensive
for you boys, though.
SOFTLY: Butters. Butters?
No, this is scatty. Then
you've got your organic eggs,
which are good if you
wanna bake a pavlova.
They'll help you bang out
a fucking belter pavlova.
And yours was nowhere
near fluffy enough!
ALL WHISPER AT ONCE
We'll take all your free-range.
Ha-ha, you lads
must mean business.
Lad, how many times? BOYS GASP
MO: Are these shagging?
What the fuck?
WAYNE: You all right, love?
What happened?
I got halfway
through Stuck On You
and I ended up stuck
on the bloody floor.
My legs went again.
Did you carry on
singing from the floor?
Ha-ha, good one.
Oh, Aimee, the state of
this bloody kitchen, love.
Sorry, I was gonna
clean after my homework.
Don't worry, I'll sort it.
LAPTOP PINGS
Oh, I was worried you were gonna be
a 60-year-old perv with a ponytail.
'No, just a standard 20-year-old
perv with a buzzcut.'
SHE CHUCKLES 'You're unreal.
'You should put more pics
up. Show yourself off.
'You'll definitely hit
that 60-year-old perv
'with a ponytail market
then.' SHE LAUGHS
Cheers for the advice,
Hazza. How much do I owe you?
'I'm just saying, I'd
have paid double for this
'if you wore something
more revealing.
'Unless you've got a third nipple
or something. Then I'd pay triple.
'You should change your
name to @TripleNippleAimee.'
@TripleNippleAndMyDadsACripple.
'What?'
Nothing. 'So, are we
all right to start?'
PHONE BUZZES
Hello. 'Hello,
I'm John Rimmer,
'the ICU Ward Manager
at Broadgreen Hospital.
'I'm with James Baker. I
understand you know him.'
Erm, yeah.
'Well, I'm afraid he's
been viciously attacked.
'He's clinging on for dear life,
but he wants to say something.'
HIGH-PITCHED: 'I'm
in so much pain.
'Mainly in my back from
carrying you on Payday.
CHUCKLES
AS JOHN: 'Oh, no, h-he's
going, he's going.
'Wait, h-he's desperate
to say one more thing.'
HIGH-PITCHED: Should we meet?
We should.
AS JOHN: OK, now
he's gone, I'm sorry.
Wait, do you know if he's left
me his Steam login in his will?
THEY LAUGH
DOOR OPENS Are you hungry?
Shall we order something?
Er, yeah. Sound,
whatever you want. OK.
Hello?
DOOR CLOSES Er, yeah.
So, when do you wanna meet?
Next week.
GIGGLES Go on, then.
'Hiya, love. Hey, look
what I've woken up to.
'I summoned the MS helper
elves, and it worked.
'They've been in the
night.' AIMEE CHUCKLES
I sold some clothes on Vinted,
paid for a home help
to come twice a week.
'Nice one, love, but I told
you, you didn't have to do that.
'Thanks. Go on. Go and
have a good day at school.
'Love you.' Love you too. Bye.
This is the girl I was
just telling you about. Hi.
Hiya. This is Aimee.
This is Lindsay from RARE.
Now, I know I'm biased,
but she really is a talent.
Great energy, passion.
Always makes choices
that surprise me.
But enough about our
sex life, sir. Hm?
I don't really think that
this is appropriate here.
I love it.
You need a good sense of humour
in the acting business, mm?
THEY LAUGH
She's a comedian.
Shall we? Yeah.
She's gonna be the next
Jodie Comer. PHONE CHIMES
BOY: See you later, lad.
So, I'm having a little
party in ours tonight.
Bring your friends after
your Mischief Night.
But make sure you're
not all mischiefed out.
Leave some for me and you, eh?
Memories are made of this ♪
If you do wish to apply,
it's important that you're
aware of our values.
Respect, treat others how
you'd wanna be treated.
PHONE CHIMES
Humour. Integrity.
Act in a responsible
manner. Er, quiet, please.
Thank you. BOY:
She's gone all out.
Quiet, please. LAUGHTER
What's going on?
Put a sock in it,
youse. What's going on?
Nothing, sir, you don't
wanna see this. What is it?
Sir, it's not for public
consumption. It's shocking.
HUSHED: Just show it to me.
BOY: The dick ratings are
one to nine, then top cock.
Er, Aims. She's posted this.
BOY: Reasonable prices, to
be fair. You little rat.
I'd rather be a rat than
someone who undermines feminism.
What, dick ratings
for £20, really?
I'll give you your rating for free
- ten out of ten massive dick.
I thought that feminism was all
about being in control of your body
and doing what YOU want with it.
Not if it encourages
men to objectify women.
Well, men are always
gonna objectify women,
we might as well make
some money out of it.
Do you not care about
reinforcing misogyny?
Er, you're reinforcing it, girl.
Imagine being stuck
in a room with you.
You'd defo leave a
misogynist. CLASS: Ooh!
LAUGHTER
Thank you so much for coming in.
Can we all give Lindsay a big
round of applause to say thank you.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE Let's
hope she signs an NDA form.
Do yourself a favour
Do yourself a favour ♪
Are you OK? Well,
obviously not.
You're my girlfriend.
My girlfriend who's not
in the kitchen right now
preparing my meal then
completing her cleaning schedule.
What are you even doing here
getting an education, hm?
THEY LAUGH Come here.
So, you're OK about it?
If you are, then I am.
Besides, if I had your
body, I'd do the same.
I tried it with mine,
me, helicoptering my
HE GROANS Eurgh.
Zero subscribers.
THEY CHUCKLE Not surprised.
Aimee, listen, it's not for me to
judge what you do, but remember,
if you put something
online, it's there forever.
Hey, it's gonna be OK.
This is our moment, boys.
This is what we've been
waiting 365 days for.
MO: 'Yes, lad.' Tonight,
we dine in mischief, baby.
TED: 'You know that, lad.
CHRISTOPHER: 'Oh, I can't wait.'
I'm telling you. I'm
telling you! Lying muppet!
Argh, what the? TED:
Where are you going, lad?
Hello, Gordon.
Oh, no, no! CONNOR:
Run, lad. Run, now!
Get him, boys! Run,
Gordon. Run, run, run, run!
He's a little fanny.
No, no, please, no.
Eeny, meeny, miny
Mo! Argh!
And when the band played
Hail To The Chief ♪
BREATHES HEAVILY
Ooh, they point the
cannon At you, Lord
It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
PANTS
EGG SPLATS
Oh, no, no. Please, no.
Oh, God, no. Please, no more!
GROANS
Argh!
EXCLAIMS
BREATHES HEAVILY
Do you remember me, lad? No.
I'm the lad who you didn't let on
the bus who missed his footy trial.
His one shot.
Lad, you don't have to do
this. I've got a family.
This is for robbing me
of winning the World Cup.
You wouldn't have made
it, lad. You're too small.
What about Messi,
lad? No, no, no.
REECE GRUNTS, LAUGHTER
MO: Ostrich egg, lad. Genius!
THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY
Boys, boys. I am so sorry
I mocked Mischief Night.
That was amazing. I'm
in charge next year.
Mischief General.
You're a nerve, lad.
Yeah, oh, yeah. Shit.
MO CLEARS THROA
Lad, whose party is
it? Er, don't know.
Just lads from our school were
talking about it on Snap, so
Oh, yeah?
REECE: Is it a party or a
funeral? What's happening?
Go 'ead.
TED SCOFFS
SNICKERING
Sideshow Bob, lad. SNICKERING
MUSIC: 'Packs And
Potions' by HAZEY
Watch your step there, fella.
Do you know how
embarrassing that was, eh?
Sitting opposite Mr
Meacher and him telling me
my own daughter's
been doing that.
I just wanted to help. And
you've told me everything?
You haven't been doing any
of the other stuff have you?
Girlfriend experiences
or selling your knickers?
How do you know they
do that? I don't.
Oh, my God. Who do
you subscribe to?
Nobody, and don't be
changing the subject, you.
It's not MS porn is it?
MS porn? What the
hell would MS porn be?
Getting knackered
after ten seconds?
SHE SNORTS
THEY CHUCKLE
Stop laughing. It's not funny.
It is a bit funny. Come here.
Thanks for trying, love.
We're gonna be OK, you know.
This is not just porn
this is MS porn.
THEY LAUGH
MUSIC PLAYS IN OTHER ROOM
HE SIGHS
I'm gutted.
SHE CHUCKLES
I still love it, though.
Getting bevvied.
Are you all right,
lads? Er, yeah, yeah.
The lads in there said we
could get some more beers.
They come over here
stealing our beers.
BOYS LAUGH
State of him, lad.
Come 'ead. Can we?
Yeah, go ahead. Sound.
I just thought it was too
unique so you wouldn't have it.
The more unique,
the more I love it.
Oh, lad, come on. That's my
hat. Fat little cockbite.
Just give it him back.
You little nit, lad.
What do you mean "cockbite", lad?
What the fuck are youse doing?
I've been thinking recently,
maybe I should start looking
for something more unique
in my dating life, too.
Instead of the usual knobs.
Couldn't agree more.
JEERING REECE: Just
give him his hat!
Here you are, I'll help you get
that brown shit off your face, lad.
MO: Stop it, please. Lad!
If only your da squirted in
your ma's face like that,
there'd be one less dickhead.
Ah! Oh! Reece!
How lucky can one guy be? ♪
Stop it! REECE GRUNTS
Fucking watch, lad.
MUFFLED: Stop. Shut up.
MO SHOUTS Shut the Shut up!
Serves him right, the
cheeky prick. REECE GASPS
Reece! Go on, fuck off, lad.
Oh, my God. Reece, Reece?
Are you OK? Get
him up, get him up.
Move! Come on, let's go.
Get the fuck out the way!
What happened? Lad,
where were you?
Is that why you brought
us here? For a bird?
Are you all right?
Nah, fuck off.
Your mates are they, yeah?
No, I don't know them.
Come on. Yeah, I'll
come with youse.
Nah, you stay here.
Go hide back upstairs,
you little rat.
Does his t-shirt say
"bums with gays"?
Lad, you know when he
was making me watch
..is it weird I got a hard-on?
THEY LAUGH, REECE GROANS
Like the fella once said
Ain't that a kick in the head?
Oh, ain't that a kick
Tell me quick Ain't
that a kick in the head? ♪
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