On the Buses (1969) s02e02 Episode Script

On the buses, part one, production number 0277, take one.
Come on, Mum.
Mum?
God, bloody, where's everybody?
Mum!
Olive, where are you?
What are you doing out in the shed?
Come and have a look.
Come and have a look.
Where's my tea?
What's this then?
That's mine.
Yes, Arthur's just brought it home and it's wonderful.
Who give it you?
He bought it.
Get out of here.
Now, this
Do you mean to say you paid money for this old crate?
I intend using it to go to work.
Oh, blimey.
I can see you tearing down a road at about ten mile an hour.
Yeah, well, that'll still be nine miles an hour faster than your buses, won't
it?
By you, I'm going to be fair.
Good idea to have on a sidecar.
Yeah, well, I thought it'd be rather useful to be able to carry two passengers.
Yeah, you'd need two people to push it.
I thought it'd be pleasant to be able to take your modern on it for trips in
the country.
You must be off your rocker, the old girl can't travel in that.
Why can't I?
Your poor old dad had one just like this.
Often used to go for rides in it.
He bought it in 1922.
Did he?
Yes.
Well, the look of it could be the same one.
There is no need to be insulting.
Never mind, love.
1922 was a very good year for motorcycles.
I only wish your poor old dad could see me going in it now.
Blimey, one ride in that and you'll be up there to tell him.
Here, go and make some tea, love.
Here, Ma.
What?
Come and try the sidecar for a side.
Come on, in you get.
Oh.
There we are.
Is it safe?
Yeah, well, it is, providing you get out before he starts it up.
Oh, come off it, you can't get in there.
Look, when I was caught in your dad, two of us got in one this size.
Two?
Yes.
Well, we couldn't afford the back row of the pictures in them days.
I remember him whopping one so weird.
Oh, come on, here we go.
Hey, look, Ma, you'll be safe enough.
There's a good safety strap there.
Oh, now, that's very necessary.
Looks a good one to, I'll tell you.
Tested a 10-tonner braking stroke, very strong one.
Very good, yeah.
Oh, yeah, well, I'll have to fix that.
I wouldn't worry about you.
It'd be quicker for Mum to get out.
She'd go straight through the windscreen.
Oh, is Mum going to sit there?
Yes.
That means I've got a ride on the pillion.
Oh, blimey, it won't take your weight.
God, look at that, look at the tyre.
You're getting too fat.
She was all right before she married you.
Now she doesn't exercise enough.
She doesn't do anything enough.
You're always too tired.
Come on, love, let's go and get the dinner on our way, darling.
Always the same, isn't it?
You try and please people.
God, blimey, what's this?
It's mine, mate.
I didn't know you collected antiques.
No, don't you start.
Oh, I'd never seen one of these before.
Yeah, where's the handbook?
You'll find it in the British Museum.
Why don't you two shut up?
Nothing wrong with this, get out of the way.
Good engine, nice, quiet runner.
Oh, go on, then, start it up.
All right.
All right, man, all right.
Watch this.
Oh!
Well, you must admit, that's very quiet.
That's beautiful.
You'd hardly know it was running.
Just like a Rolls Royce.
Blimey, his watch is making more noise than the engine.
Why don't you two shut up?
I don't know what's wrong with it.
It was all right when I started it before.
Come out of it, you're doing it all wrong.
You little jerks like that.
You've got to get it right at the top of the stroke.
All right, all right.
And look, right at the top of the stroke, like that, and a big hard push down,
like
Oh!
Oh!
You clumsy, great idiot!
He's broken it!
What, his toe?
No, the starter!
Look at that!
Oh, that's solid.
Oh, they don't make them like that these days.
Nah, they don't make them break off like that these days either.
Well, you broke it, mate, you fix it.
It's easy enough, it's only all done with a couple of bolts.
No, no, that's sheared off.
You'll have to strip your gearbox down.
All right, get the tools, get the tools out.
All right, all right.
They came with the bike.
Oh, did they?
Right, that's it.
Have you got the right spanner?
Spanner?
You're joking!
You know what he's got in here?
Look at that, a bent knitting needle.
There's a rusty safety pin, half a tube of dried-up glue.
Look at this.
Some rubber bands, mate.
Well, now we know what's holding the bike together, don't we?
I can't fix it without tools!
Well, I'm not buying new tools, mate.
You broke it, you buy the tools.
I don't happen to buy tools, though, do I, eh?
I'm a busman, aren't I?
I work at a garage, you know what I mean?
You'll get into trouble, mate, if they see you taking tools out of the garage.
Yeah, but they won't see us taking tools out of the garage, will they?
Got it?
Oh, right.
Did you get them?
Yeah, er
I didn't know what size to get, see, so I had a word with Joe, and he told me,
er
He's given me these couple here, said they'll undo any size nut I've got.
Cop.
You know what I mean?
You're supposed to be mending a motorbike, not a QE2!
That's all he can let me have.
Well, let's not argue.
I said I'd slip these two up and down the road, so give us a mount up on the
cab, will you?
Yeah, right.
Go on then, here you go.
Here you go.
You're sticking it into my ribs, isn't it?
OK.
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
It's about to eventually slip down my leg now.
Oh, oh!
Have you hurt yourself?
No, I'm half cold.
Take it easy, Joe.
I've got it, haven't I?
Right.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute!
That's it.
Get it for him.
That's it.
Come on.
Be there.
Right.
Oh.
Hang on, hang on.
Yeah, watch it.
It comes at a stop.
What are you doing in there then?
Er, er
Well, it was, er
It's the 10.30 to the cemetery gate, so I thought I'd get in, you know.
Well, just think about getting out again.
Why?
There's your bus over there, the 10.22. Nobody told us.
Well, get over in the other bus, go on.
Oh.
Hello.
Come on.
Er, give me a hand there, will you, mate?
Yes, sir.
What's wrong with him then?
He's feeling his age.
Oh, you busmen are an healthy lot, you know.
Yeah.
Don't you ever think about keeping your bodies in condition?
Go on, get in that bus, Adam.
Go on.
What's wrong with you then?
Er, er
I've got a touch of the cramp, you know.
It's sitting in the cab all day that does it, you know.
Cramp?
You got bad circulation, mate?
Yeah.
Well, it's all right, don't worry.
No, it's not all right.
If that leg's not functioning properly, you're not fit.
It's all right, I can drive the bus, all right.
Drive the bus, all right?
You're not even fit to be a passenger in a bus.
You get that leg functioning properly.
What you need is a bit of massage.
Oh, that's right.
If it just so happens I know what I'm talking about.
I made a study of the subject.
The spasm in that leg muscle needs to be relieved.
Here, let me have a go.
Get your hands off my legs!
Don't you touch my legs!
I was merely going to massage your biceps femoris, that's all.
Yeah, you heard that.
I'm Sock Steward, I know the rules.
Inspectors are not allowed to lay hands on busmen.
Yeah.
Well, what rule is that then, for God's sake?
Section 8, Appendix B.
Well, that's a rule that states that an inspector must not get unduly familiar
with the clippings on that.
Yeah, well, it applies even more so to busmen.
Twit.
Well, there's only one thing for it, you'll have to do a bit of exercise.
Here, watch this, Sock.
If he does that any more, he'll take off.
Look, mate, I want to drive through the cemetery gates, not fly there.
I learned this when I was in the army.
Did you?
I used to have men suffering with cramp under me when they were in on
manoeuvres.
Here, watch this one, look.
Oh, yeah?
What regiment were you in, the tiller girls?
This is scientific, mate.
Relaxes the leg muscles, look at that.
Looks like he's doing a can-can.
That's very good, bravo!
Now lift your skirt up and show us your knickers.
Now, look here.
I'm not having him driving that bus unless I'm satisfied that that leg is
functioning properly.
Now, come on, let's have a look at it.
Lift it up.
Come on, lift it up.
I'll tell you it's just for cramp, I can't lift it any harder.
Well, lift it up, then.
Look, I've got it as hard as I can get it.
Oh, blimey, you are a feeble specimen, honestly.
Straighten yourself up, man.
Grab her chest out, come on.
What's the matter with you?
You're all tensed up.
Relax yourself, relax.
What was that?
You must have caught your hand on the buckle of me belt.
Belt?
Yeah.
Felt like a bit of cast iron.
That's ridiculous.
Look, I'll tell you, the only way to do it, Jack, is give me a walk up and down
the back of the shed.
It'll take the exposure, in the words he calls it.
Yes, well, hurry up, mate.
You're late enough as it is.
You'll be all right.
Yeah, I'm all right.
Put a cold confish on it.
Ah, there you are.
That's got rid of them.
It, it.
That's how it is, isn't it?
Amazing.
Here one minute and gone the next.
That's it.
Look at that.
Send that bus out a bit.
What's up with you then?
I've got conductor's crap.
Oh.
Thank you, Jack.
See you, mate.
Oh, that and this last bolt and that's, that's it.
I'll have a broughty tea out here as you're not coming in.
Oh, you needn't have bothered, Mum.
Do you know what?
I've stripped down that gearbox, put it back and get him, what, under half an
hour in it, have I?
Oh, it's working then.
That is not what he said.
You can keep your sarcastic remarks to yourself.
Now, start it up.
All right, all right.
Come on, out the way.
Well, come on.
Let's see what the magician's done this time.
Right.
Ah!
I'm a magician.
Working like a dream, innit, eh?
Right, come out of it, Mum, come out of it, come out of it.
Right.
Now, look, Martha, when you go, Ollie, come out of it before Arthur runs you
over.
Oh, he wouldn't do that, would you, love?
I might not be able to help myself.
Stick it in gear, stick it in gear.
That's it, right, let the clutch out, let the clutch out.
I've let the clutch out and the gear's stuck.
Well, it's not stuck, it's, I've tightened it up, and I'm a bit tight, look,
get your foot off.
Oh.
Give it a good kick in, right?
That's it, right, now in, now in.
Let the clutch out, and straight out the shed you go, right?
Here we go, now in.
Oh!
Oh!
Ow!
That's cheap, Mum!
What happened?
Mum, I thought you were putting it in reverse.
It hasn't got to reverse, you great, steamy pig!
Well!
Now, er, do you know what I reckon I'll do?
What?
I think I'll put the gearbox in back the front.
You get that gearbox done before I do you.
Mum!
Get it done, what's the matter with you?
I think it'd be a lot quicker, though, Arthur, I tell you what, if I take the
seat, put it up this end, and get the handlebars, and put it up
Oh!
Great improvement, it went forward that time.
But what did you expect?
Well, another dose of your expert attention, I thought it might go sideways.
Can I take me and Mum for a ride, then?
Yep, I've got some crash helmets, pick them up second hand, there we are.
Oh!
Oh, look, Mum, they've got all names written on them.
Here, Arthur, which am I, sexy kid or Randy Racer?
Yeah, well, I don't think either of them fit.
You ought to have got one olive size.
Yeah, well, I'm
Oh, never mind.
I'll have this one, here, Mum, you be the sexy kid.
What?
Well, I wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea, love.
These are made in Japan.
Aye.
Bit small, are they?
Of course they are.
All Japanese have got small bonces.
Oh, yeah.
They must be very safe.
I mean, they cover your eyes as well.
Of course, you can't see any searing or nothing.
You have got them on the wrong way round, the big one is olives.
Oh.
What's this here, then?
Aye, aye, give that to me.
That's fine.
That looks a good bit of gear, Arthur, this.
Mr Rockpants?
Is that you?
Oh, blimey, you've cooled off lately, haven't you?
Give it here, I'm going to rub that rubbish off.
No, don't rub it off, it's a smashing picture of you here, Arthur.
Oh, no, it's not a bit, Arthur, love.
Look, if we're going out, let's go now.
Give that here.
All right, I'll wave you off, I'll come and wave you off.
Here, don't forget to lock the back door.
Yeah, it's all right, love, yeah.
Here we are, mind your leg, mind your leg.
Mind your head, here we are.
Right, now, you get on, Olive, and I'll give you a push out in the shed,
Arthur.
All right, thank you.
Is that all right?
Yeah.
There's only one thing, you're covering up the real life.
Right, now, get up, go on, get up.
Right, now, Arthur, there, go on.
Oh, I'll have to snuggle up tight.
Oh, Arthur, this is the way we snuggle up in bed at night.
Aye.
Yeah, were you snooting down my left ear, or should I wear a crash helmet in
bed?
That's it, that's it, my men are out, and away we go.
Right, off you go, love.
All on him, oh!
What are you doing that for?
You can't do that, it's no use.
No, no!
Hello, Arthur, mate.
What's up?
I can't start the ruddy thing.
What do you stop it for?
Olive.
Hang on a minute, we'll give you a hand.
I'm ready now, Arthur.
Oh, shut up.
All right, I'm doing me face.
Look, look, Arthur, Arthur, you're doing it all wrong.
Get it at the top of the stroke, and give it a good hard kick like I did.
All right.
That's exactly like you, did it?
You've cracked the star off again.
Have you got any more good advice?
How am I going to start the thing now?
Here, have we got any passengers on our bus?
No, why?
Well, I've got a good idea.
Night at work this time.
I wonder what brilliance is passing through his mind now.
What's the matter?
They're gone.
No, there's nothing there.
The knob must have slipped hard in.
Blimey, we can't go back for them.
He'll have to sort it out himself.
Come on, jump on.
God blimey, Jack.
This bus rattles worse than ever.
There's a shocking clatter coming from the back, you know.
Yes, I heard that too.
Yeah.
We'll have to get that fixed, you know.
Yeah, get it round the maintenance man.
I've disembattled a bellyful of you, mate.
I've disembattled enough of you.
Where did you get them from?
Where did I get them from?
They was tied on the back of your bus, weren't they?
I thought you told me that
I don't know.
You've been trailing it all over the town.
I've had telephone calls all day long about this.
How did it get there?
We don't know.
You'd better give me an explanation of this.
It's a perfectly simple explanation, isn't it?
You tell him.
Ah, yes.
What happened was this, you see.
This fellow got on the bus.
I think he was an old-time sailor, actually.
And I must admit, I was moving down the high street a bit.
I suppose he got a bit windy and he chucked that out as a sort of second
anchor.
Twit!
The way you drive, mate, that'd be perfectly possible.
But it just so happens that that is a pair of handlebars, not a bloomin' sheet
anchor.
He's right, you know.
Come on, let's have an explanation.
Otherwise, we're going to get dragged up in front of the general manager.
Well, look, I expect some kid tied it on the back when we stopped.
I tell you what, give it to me.
I'll get rid of him for you.
Hold up, hold up.
No, no, no.
Now, that's going in the general manager's office until some idiot comes to
claim it.
Well, there are the handlebars.
I wonder how they're getting on with the rest of the bike.
Oh, I don't think my feet will ever get back to normal.
Well, it's all your fault, isn't it?
There was no need for you to push it up the hill.
I told you I was perfectly willing to do it on me own.
I didn't want my husband to get a rupture.
I don't think that would have affected you in any way.
Oh, here's Stan.
Oh.
Oh, well, you made it home all right, then?
Yeah.
Hello.
What's up with you two?
What's up with us two?
We had to push the bike five miles home.
Well, why didn't you take it to a garage and get it fixed?
Because you had the handlebars, didn't you?
I fancy leaving me sitting there all on me own with me hands stuck out in the
air looking like a twit.
You don't have to have your hands stuck out in the air looking like a twit.
Besides, we had it arranged.
If anything went wrong, you was to blow on the uter.
Now then, what happened?
The uter was on the handlebars.
Where are they?
Well, that's something I've got to tell you.
You see, the inspector found them hanging on the back of the bus and, well,
he's compounded them until somebody comes and collects them.
Has he?
You're right.
Well, I shall go and claim them then, mate.
Don't you dare.
Oi!
Oi!
Well, I'm telling you, mate, don't you go down that garage.
Blimey, if he thinks I've towed your bike on the back of my bus, I'll get the
bullet.
I can't help that, mate.
You had broken my handlebars off.
I intend to go and get them.
You get out the way.
Now, now, now, I'm telling you, I'm telling you.
I didn't mind what I say.
You do somebody a favour and they want to go to the garage and put the boot in
for you.
Is that what it was?
Was it a favour you did me?
Of course it was.
You broke the handlebars off my bike.
I'm going to get them now.
Now, you get down that garage, mate.
I'll break more than that handlebars.
You and who else?
Me by myself.
I'll flatten you, mate.
Only when you're driving your bus.
What are you doing?
I'm trotting the cat's food.
That's all right.
Put them back in the bowl again.
Oh, no, now me feet will smell of boiled corn.
You were lucky that happened, mate.
You mean you were lucky, boy.
I'm led to believe that a set of handlebars would cost a fiver.
Now, either you hand over a fiver or I go and see that inspector of yours.
Oh.
That's blackmail.
That is blackmail.
You're quite right.
Hand it over.
I've got an alternative, have I?
No, you haven't.
You're a right one, you are.
Well, I'll have you know, this happens to be my last fiver.
Rotten thing.
I was going to take a bird out with that tonight.
You'll have me in tears, mate.
Anyway, keep me out of mischief.
Never mind about the bird.
You strip down my gearbox instead.
I shall go and get the handlebars.
Ain't it marvellous?
You help somebody and what do you get?
Nothing but frustration.
Oh, really?
Ruddy bike.
What do you want to buy the blasted thing for?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE