Scrubs (2026) s02e02 Episode Script

1
[J.D.] I was happy to say that the
treatment I'd found for Dr. Cox
was working and he was finally
feeling like himself again.
You're a huge disappointment.
[J.D.] Breathe so your eyes don't well,
and confidence.
You can say any mean thing you want to me.
I'm just glad
you have the energy to say it.
Oldie, half the reason I gave you this job
was so that you'd find someone
to drive you as crazy as you drove me.
Hell, Barbie found someone.
So just modulate the pressure.
- Oh! Frick.
- Shiggity.
Check out, uh, Montel over here.
Remember, Dashana, we spin into our gown
to stay sterile and stylish.
Five, six, seven, eight.
[Turk scats]
Tens across the board.
- Yours was so much better.
- [Turk] Oh. Thank you.
Well, even The Todd has a mentee.
Not bad, but a little stiff.
You know what's a lot of stiff?
Shh. Not yet. Take it slow.
I just haven't had the time
to focus on one person.
I'm so swamped.
I would need, like, four of me.
[J.D.] I know just what we'd do.
In the criminal justice system,
the people are represented
by two separate, equally important groups.
These are their stories.
[scatting "The Theme of Law & Order"]
Dun dun.
Oldie, not connecting
with anyone is the surest path
to becoming a soulless administrator.
So, you go ahead and find your
special someone, but for the love of God,
do it before your mentor eggs shrivel up
and die inside your body.
[J.D.] Dr. Cox was right.
I'm the doctor I am today because of him.
I need to take someone
under my wing, but who?
Hey, Dr. D, I'd love to get some advice
from you,
- both personal and professional.
- Not now, Dustin.
[J.D.] Grant Summers,
the new Chief Resident.
I hadn't really gotten to know him yet,
but everyone seemed to love him.
I'm still not totally sold
on the nicknames,
but with you, I'm working
with Blake Tahoe, Philly Cheese Blake.
But you look like a one-man party.
I'm going Wake and Blake.
- Asher, do you run?
- Not really.
There goes Asher Dasher.
Um, oh! Have you ever exposed
yourself on the subway, Asher Flasher?
- I will learn to run.
- Sorry, dude.
I'm still getting my bearings around here.
I don't even know where the bathroom is.
Yesterday, I just peed in a cup
and gave it to the lab.
- Turns out I'm pre-diabetic.
- [both] Oh.
It's quite the roller coaster.
[J.D.] Here's a guy who needs me.
An insecure young leader
just trying to make a difference.
I see so much of myself in him.
Sometimes in a hospital what's right in--
Move, Dustin.
[Dustin squeals]
I can't do this all on my own ♪
No, I know I'm no Superman ♪
I'm no Superman ♪
[J.D.] The icebreaker was simple.
Grant loves nicknames,
and I'm amazing at them.
What up, G-spot? Missed it.
It's all right, nicknames are hard.
Let's just sit in it.
- Here we are.
- Hey, Grant,
why don't you round with me today?
I can show you the ropes.
Round with the Chief of Medicine?
It'd be an honor.
The honor would be all mine.
[J.D.] Okay, he let you in.
Give his shoulder a mentoring squeeze.
But man, look at those cheeks.
- I'm so sorry.
- With these bad boys,
practically asking for it.
Maybe I should call you
the Cheek Resident.
- Maybe you should let go. Yep.
- Yeah, you're probably right.
- Let's go raw dog some rounds.
- Are you okay?
I'm not sure.
["Electric Relaxation" playing]
Dr. Turk, can I please pick the next song?
Yeah, as long as it's from my playlist.
Oh, great.
Nothing but songs from before I was born.
They're called classics.
You gotta earn the right to DJ
in my OR, Dashana.
Closing. Mimi, I need more light.
Oh, okay. Let me just cut a hole
in the ceiling so I can let in the sun.
Or you can bring your reading glasses
like I told you.
And I told you I only need those glasses
to read the rules
on the back of my scratch-offs.
Hey, I got this.
I've been practicing my knots at home.
Okay, go ahead.
Karate chop, claw, square knot, boom.
Did she do it right?
I can't see.
I'm blinded by all your lights.
Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt,
but there's something about the red
in that blood and the green in your eyes.
It makes me want to spend Christmas
in London with you.
Can we go to Hogwarts?
It doesn't exist, I don't think.
But I'll try. I'll do my best.
- Okay.
- Dobby likes you.
[giggles] Stop.
- Tosh, I think you got enough blood.
- Oh.
[Elliot] Mr. Pataky?
Thank you, Mr. Pataky. Have some juice.
So sorry. I did not mean to do that. It
will not happen again. I was distracted.
There's always gonna be
some boy you're sleeping with
that nobody thinks is right for you.
- Wait, what? What?
- Wait, what? What?
You're halfway through your intern year,
you have to start thinking
about your specialty.
I am. It's just such a big commitment.
It's like how I almost married
my high school boyfriend Jeff.
And now he's doing five years
for squatting
in his grandma's senior living facility.
It's like, what if I pick oncology
and oncology is Jeff.
I had a Jeff too. Craig.
The dirt bike king
of Greenwich, Connecticut.
Oh, my God, we were so in love.
And he was so hot.
Until he tried to jump that quarry.
The helmet saved his head, but the rest
of him was nowhere to be found.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is
let's get your career a helmet.
- Mmm?
- Mm-hmm.
[both gasp] Mr. Pataky.
[Elliot] Hey.
Ah, the admissions hallway, or as I like
to call it, the hall of legends.
Whoa. Check you out.
Oh, that. Sometimes I forget
I even did that silly old thing.
That's really, really good
if I had dead eyes.
Where is the twinkle?
Did you not learn to paint a twinkle?
None of these have any twinkle.
Give me your brush.
I'll do it myself in the bathroom mirror.
Mmm. That is good twinkle.
And is this the evil billionaire
who owns this place?
Oh. No, no, no, that's Dr. Cox.
He's my old mentor.
Yeah, he has microscopic polyangiitis,
but he's in full remission.
You should see how he looks at me now.
- [Grant chuckles]
- Oh.
- Hello, Dr. Cox. That's his morning scowl.
- Mmm.
This is Grant.
As his grand mentor, would you like him
to call you Grandpop, Pappy, or Pop Pop?
No, I'm not gonna
I'm calling him Dr. Cox.
Pop Pop, it is.
I was just telling Grant
you're feeling better.
No, I am indeed,
except for this one little side effect.
Your bill is $35,000?
That's per infusion, Oldie.
And seeing as I still have 12 infusions
left, I am going to choose death.
And no, you may not come to the funeral.
Grant, you may come. You seem cool.
No, we are not fist-bumping bad things.
I will figure this out. Just stick around.
Stick around? You understand?
Every time I try to walk out those doors,
I get sucked back in
like it's some sort
of fluorescent-lit purgatory.
Do you ever say one sentence
and then stop?
No, he doesn't.
And now you've angered him.
Let's walk away or you'll lose your
funeral invite and I'm your plus one.
[J.D.] To figure out Dr. Cox's
insurance problem, I'd need a little help.
Hey, Francois, does Barbara in admin
still have a huge crush on you?
Oh, yes, she does.
- Her gaydar is set to church mode.
- Okay, great.
I wanna try and appeal
Dr. Cox's insurance denial,
and I want you
to convince Barbara to expedite it.
Nurse Dubois, you do not have
to do anything you don't want to do.
Besides, it's never gonna work.
Oh, baby, it's gonna work.
[gasps] Kiss me on the mouth,
you beautiful bald bastard.
Yo, Babs.
Let me holler at you real quick.
- Hey, girl.
- Easy, don't overstraight.
[speaks indistinctly]
- [Turk grunts]
- Boom!
Don't need glasses to see that one.
What is that about?
'Cause I won't wear my glasses in the OR,
this one thinks
she's running laps around me.
Just wear your glasses, dude.
Father Time comes for all of us.
You got some old-ass eyes, boy.
Let me guess,
my Father Time is Flavor Flav.
False. It was an older white gentleman
not wearing a clock around his neck.
Dashana, cover me.
I'm about to derail the D-train.
Oh.
Okay, I made a list of specialties.
It's super hard to get a fellowship
these days, right?
But they always need women
in dermatology, OB, pediatrics.
Okay, let me stop you right there.
I do not want you to feel forced
into some female specialty.
I mean, yes, peds is a noble profession,
but I take care of enough kids at home.
One.
You can join the dermo divas.
It's easy money and all the fillers
and Botox you could want.
- Oh, wait, slay.
- No slay, Tosh.
I did Botox once.
Do not go down that road.
Try telling a patient, "I'm so sorry your
cancer's back," with frozen bitch face.
Okay then, no lady stuff.
- Neurology.
- You could, but it's boring
and you'd be with those guys.
- They kind of look like--
- Penises?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Look, Tosh, what are you excited about?
I had an endocrinology case the other day
that was really fascinating.
That's great. I loved endo too.
And I'm super tight with the head
of the department, Dr. Buckley.
Here, give him a call.
Thank you.
- Cox's insurance denied the appeal.
- Damn it.
Also, Dubois needs to leave early.
Barbara's taking him to P.F. Chang's.
P.F. Chang's?
That's the horniest restaurant in town.
- I know.
- It's okay.
He'll do what needs to be done,
and so will we.
Lead and I shall follow, my captain.
Dr. Cox and I used to figure out
insurance work-arounds all the time.
What's a work-around when insurance
refuses to cover someone as an outpatient?
We admit him.
In here,
insurance has to cover the treatment.
But Dr. Cox has no reason to be admitted.
That's where you come in.
I'm gonna need a favor,
Mr. Chief Resident.
Anything for you, boss man.
I need you to admit Dr. Cox.
Nope, can't do that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.
No, that was a little quick.
We're just spitballing.
We're just a mentor and a mentee
shooting the S-word, okay?
We're just kind of free flowing.
- It's like jazz.
- Okay.
You're the trumpet, I'm the trombone.
- Loosen your shoulders. Shake it out.
- All right.
Here comes my trombone thing. Ready?
I say something like, "Hey, man,
I need you to admit Dr. Cox,"
and you hit me with a little
No, I cannot do that. It's super illegal.
[J.D.] And here it was, the moment I'd do
for Grant what Dr. Cox did for me.
Look, Grant, um,
I think we all come in here thinking
we know what's right and what's wrong.
And then we realize we're working
in a completely broken system.
So, if occasionally we have
to put ourselves on the line,
we do it.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
[J.D.] There it is.
Now you can touch his shoulder.
You've earned it.
Not cheek, back to shoulder.
Mmm. Shoulder.
[Turk] Okay. First one to 20 bananas
using a running suture wins.
Forgive me, Father,
for what I'm about to do to this intern,
for she knows not what she's unleashed.
Don't worry about them glasses, pops.
You're gonna feel this win.
Okay.
Mimi, hit it.
[melody of "The Final Countdown"]
Ba-na-na-na, ba-na-na-na-na ♪
Mimi!
I meant the phone.
Whatever.
["The Final Countdown" playing]
Slow is smooth. Smooth is fast.
[Turk] Boom. One, easy.
Let's go with the next one.
I'ma do it with my eyes closed.
Ooh.
[J.D.] Unfortunately, like they say,
Father Time comes for everyone.
Your hands looking
a little shaky there, pops.
[Turk] Not at all. I need more light.
[Dashana] Boom! Done.
It is my house now.
[scats]
What's up, D-train?
Don't need glasses to see that.
Ay, ay, ay, what? Ay, ay
Asher, quick medical question.
Is this a real question or one
of your wonderful moments of whimsy?
I think I'm having an allergic reaction.
- Ah. Whimsy it is.
- Oh, no, my throat's closing up.
Dr. Tosh, I'm Dr. Gould, pediatrics.
Have you picked your specialty yet?
Because I think you have
the bedside manner
our young patients would appreciate.
- I do?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Absolutely. Here's my card.
Ah. Thank you, Dr. Gould,
but unfortunately,
Dr. Tosh is very passionate
about endocrinology.
Yeah, I'm really into glands.
Children have glands.
- I like 'em big.
- Huge.
Thanks anyway.
I have a mentee now. Grant.
We're like two cool jazz cats,
jazzing some riffs together.
I don't know. Everything I know about jazz
I learned from watching La La Land.
Oh. I get it. I feel like I really helped
guide Tosh on her path to endocrinology.
Is it a bike path?
What the one-wheeled frick?
Dr. Dorian, a moment.
Grant Summers has reported you.
He says you tried
to jeopardize his career.
- What?
- Grant Summers has--
No, I heard you. I just can't believe it.
I never should have trusted those cheeks.
You went to Sibby and told on me?
You could've just come to me.
First of all, hello.
Second of all, it's not a big deal.
It wasn't about you.
It was more about the insurance fraud
you wanted me to commit
under the guise
of some kind of jazz improv.
I think you're oversimplifying this.
Dr. Cox is one
of the most important people in my life.
I totally hear you, okay?
And maybe that's how
they did things in the 1980s
when everyone was doing blow
off of each other's Trans Ams.
Maybe I should tank my career
for a friend of yours
who seems to hate you.
He doesn't hate me.
That's just how he is on the outside.
I have been inside of him.
Why does the pediatric ward at every
hospital look like Satan's playhouse?
Mm-hmm.
I do not go in there without my Bible.
Oh, my God.
[suspenseful music plays]
[child coughs]
[blares]
[screeching violins]
- [music stops]
- Angie, get that hair out of your face.
Oh. Dr. Reid, what brings you in?
I asked you nicely to back off Dr. Tosh.
She's got bigger plans than peds.
So you think helping sick kids
is beneath her?
Oh. Take off your halo, Steffie.
Look, Dr. Tosh is young and insecure,
and she's swayed by anyone who shows her
even the slightest bit of attention,
whether it's her boyfriend or you.
Good to know that's what you think of me.
Frick on a stick!
Sam, I'm not trying to be harsh, but these
fellowships are incredibly competitive,
- and you cannot get distracted.
- I'm not distracted.
I'm just not sure I wanna do
what you want me to do.
I'm just trying stuff out.
Trying stuff out?
This isn't college
where you have a couple glasses of wine
and kiss someone with a bajingo. Grow up.
Me grow up? Say "vagina."
[scoffs] There are children here.
Actually, we do encourage the children
to use the correct anatomical terms.
Well, this is a madhouse.
[J.D.] There he is.
As chief, I had to do the mature thing.
Let Grant know he was dead to me.
Oh. Hey, Blake.
Uh, I've been thinking,
I'd really like to mentor you.
Oh. Wow. Uh, I'm so flattered.
But you know, what we have is working
for me. I'd hate to screw that up.
Oh, really? 'Cause, you know, last week
when we were intubating that guy,
I thought we really connected.
I I know you felt that too.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we had fun,
but, uh, that's all that was.
Oh.
Hey, you're gonna make some intern
really happy someday.
[J.D.] I think I just got friend-zoned
by an intern.
Well, at least Grant didn't see it.
Flip!
- [clicks tongue] Sup.
- Barbie, I don't want to be bothered.
I get why you left. This whole generation
of interns is impossible, right?
Here's what we're going to do.
You're gonna go ahead and tell me your
problem, and if I can solve it,
maybe I'll finally be able to cross over.
I have tried so hard to help Tosh.
She's not taking any advice,
now she's gonna blow her whole future.
I'm gonna go ahead
and stop you right there.
Because this isn't about Tosh's future.
This is about your past.
Oh, damn it.
Nothing. God didn't take me.
What do you mean, my past?
Oh, come on, Barbie,
you were the most ambitious intern
in this whole place
until you and J.D. started doing
that whole
"Will they? Won't they? Will they?
Won't they? Can't they please just stop?
Oh, no, they're getting married
and I have to go to it."
thing.
It's all about you.
And what you feel
you didn't accomplish in your own life.
You really think I was the most ambitious?
Thank you.
What did I ever do to you?
Dear God.
Yo, Dr. Turk, I got my playlist locked
and loaded for surgery.
But I'm just not sure
how to thumbtack it to the wall, though.
You beat me suturing bananas.
You shouldn't gloat about that.
Okay, so you can gloat,
but because I'm a woman,
I'm not allowed to champion myself?
Here are the things
you gloated about today.
- How shiny your head is.
- Mm-hmm.
How perfectly
you parallel parked your car.
How you braided all your daughters' hair
in under ten minutes.
Impossible, by the way.
Dashana, you're tripping, okay?
'Cause I've earned the right to gloat
after all my years working here.
I didn't gloat when I was your level.
Please, God, let this be my final test.
Dashana.
It turns out
that you are not in fact tripping.
Thank you.
- That's what an ally looks like.
- [Turk] Ha.
You seriously think
that you never gloated?
For the love of God,
you used to run around this place
telling everybody they were going
to name the hospital after you.
And I'm sorry, but is this
the Turk Whatever-your-last-name-is Wing?
Turk is my last name.
You'd damn sure never know it 'cause
it's not written on any of the walls.
Come on, you aren't really worried
that she's better than you.
Hell, you're at the peak of your skills.
You're damn right
I'm at the peak of my skills.
Of course, once you reach your peak,
there's really only one way to go,
isn't there?
Like all surgeons,
your whole life has been this place.
You have no hobbies.
Your children will soon be grown and gone.
You have put everything into this career.
And you're afraid now
that when it finally is all over,
you won't know who you are without it.
Right. What do I do?
You don't realize it yet,
but when you get to where I am,
you will see it was never
about your best cases or your worst ones.
Hell, your patients
will largely be a blur.
The one thing you will remember
is the work you put in turning
these annoying, pain-in-the-ass kids
into real doctors.
No matter how hard they make it.
Thank you.
Wasn't talking to you.
The bells begin to chime ♪
"Time," she says ♪
"There's no turning back ♪
Keep your eyes on the tracks" ♪
Through the fields ♪
[J.D.] So, yeah, Grant pissed me off,
but I had forgotten the most important
thing about my relationship with Dr. Cox.
I annoyed the hell out of him too.
What's the plan today? Stealing a wish
from a sick kid for your golf buddy?
For the record,
Dr. Cox is not my golf buddy.
He prefers full-size golf.
I like to Skee-Ball after a few rounds.
- Right.
- But I still had to teach him
and hope I could help make him
into a great doctor.
- Come on and round with me.
- Really?
Yes.
You're not going to touch
my cheeks again, are you?
I can't make any promises.
[J.D.] Sometimes as a mentor,
you think you're there to give guidance.
I was just frustrated
because It's too late for me,
and I didn't want that to happen to you.
But you were actually the one
who needed a little inspiration.
Too late? It is so not too late for you.
- You don't think so?
- No.
You could do whatever you want.
You could write a book
or a medical podcast. You love talking.
Oh, my God, you're right.
I could do anything.
Podcast title:
Get "Welliot" with Elliot, huh?
Yeah, we'll keep thinking on that, mama.
In the end, the best mentors know
that one day it'll be your turn.
[rap music plays]
You okay? It's a little faster
than your cat-in-the-hat rhymes, huh?
Enjoy your little victory.
One day it'll be your playlist
on the wall.
Until then, let me show you
how to do the Aberdeen knot.
And when you do find the right mentor,
you hold on to them for a lifetime.
I'm going to admit you.
I know I don't have any legit reason,
but it's the only way to get you covered.
Absolutely not.
The board will have your ass,
and I did not give you this job
so you could lose it.
This is what you taught me to do.
And you used to protect me
from the fallout.
Well, now it is my turn to protect you.
You have passed the baton.
And I wish I had the baton
so I could beat you with it.
Get in the chair.
- No.
- Dubois.
Get your ass in the damn chair.
Oh, time will tell
We always knew ♪
Gentlemen, imagine what we could
accomplish if we all work together.
We could cure a rare disease.
Treat four times as many patients.
I think I may have a better idea.
- How about a hug?
- Drop dead.
- Can I have a hug?
- Buzz off.
- I'd love a hug.
- Not a chance.
Don't forget about me.
No!
Did somebody have a bad dream?
[J.D. thuds]
Let the other three know
there's more where that came from.