St. Denis Medical (2024) s02e02 Episode Script

How would you pronounce
this patient's name?
Um, Vin ooh, Vin
Vin Vinibon Vinbanny Vin
Vini-bone-Kenn no.
Vinvinabanakinalwich
wow, that just keeps going, doesn't it?
Well, I'll just call him
Big V. He'll love that.
Wait a minute. Hold on.
He's unconscious.
That's nice.
Guys, guys, I might
need a little help here.
- God, Bruce.
- Whoa!
- What happened?
- I don't know.
Sit, sit, sit.
I think I think I was attacked.
- Someone just
- Bring him in.
Came up from behind me,
and he hit me in the back of
the head and knocked me down.
Well, his head wound seems superficial.
Let's check him for a
concussion just in case.
I just don't understand
how this could have happened.
- It's all right, Bruce.
- You're not the only one.
This has been happening
more and more often.
Yeah, but my reflexes
are way above average.
Definitely above everyone here.
OK, he seems fine to me.
Unfortunately, there have
been a lot of attacks lately
patients who are unhappy
with their results,
upset family members,
or people who just
want to yell that day.
Fun fact, health care workers are
five times more likely to face
violence in the workplace.
And there was a state bill to
address this, but it failed.
On the bright side, they did pass a bill
to rename a bridge after Jeff Bridges.
So that's cute.
Years of Aikido training, years.
- It's OK.
- No, it's not OK, Matt.
I wish he'd just finish
the job and killed me.
- Bruce, don't say that.
- And you, Matt.
Yeah. I wish he'd killed us both.
I wasn't even there.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[EXHALES]
Hey, Joyce, do you have a minute?
Sure. Why not?
I've only been on hold for 20 minutes.
Trying to get Sanderson
into this Zoo Day Camp,
and it's just impossible.
Isn't he, like, 50?
Well, the website says eight and up.
He insists there's no age limit, so
OK.
Well, I don't know if you heard this,
but Bruce was attacked
in the parking lot.
- What? Is he OK?
- He's OK.
Yeah, he's just a little shaken up.
Lil Safari Day Camp,
how can I help you?
There's been an attack!
Jesus.
- Do we know who did this?
- That's the thing.
So I asked Leslie if he could
check the security footage,
and he said that half those
cameras don't even work.
Oh, this is totally unacceptable.
I know.
Listen, everyone is pretty freaked out,
and I think they're wondering
what can be done
to prevent this from happening again.
Hey, I hear you,
OK, and I am gonna do
everything in my power
to make sure that my employees are safe.
OK. Thank you.
[GROWLS] Mama Bear activated.
Yeah, I I think just,
you know, more cameras or
Mama Bear committed
to actionable change.
Yeah, thank you so much
for taking this seriously.
Mama Bear out of hibernation
and hungry for justice.
- I gotta write this down.
- Yeah.
This is good stuff.
We can't even walk
across the parking lot
without getting attacked.
It's so messed up.
Honestly, this is why
I'm glad I take power Pilates.
[SNICKERS]
What? I'm serious.
I have insane core strength.
OK. So what?
Oh, look, he's got a knife.
Quick, plank.
I'm just saying I can defend myself.
Yeah, unless, you know, it's a man.
OK, sexist much?
I'm not sexist.
I'm just taking into account body mass,
and on average,
men are larger than women.
Don't blame me. Blame evolution.
I don't think I can
kick every guy's ass,
but I could definitely take on someone
who's kind of old, kind of slow,
maybe whose body is mostly
made of taquitos.
You think you could take me?
Come on.
I'm not even that's cute.
That is cute. [LAUGHS]
Ron has no idea what I'm capable of.
I'm strong, agile, got quick feet.
Oh, also, I bite, like, right away.
You know, Joyce said you could leave
if you need to process the trauma.
Oh, can I go process in a safe space?
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
I think that'd be
the perfect kind of space.
I was mocking you, man.
Bruce Schweitz doesn't do trauma.
I mean, I do trauma, you know,
like, job wise, you know.
I mean, in surgery obviously.
Matt, come on.
Man, I wonder who it was.
Oh, maybe that boat accident guy.
He seemed pretty mad when he left.
He did? Why? I saved his leg.
Yeah, but he was annoyed
about the recovery time.
Well, yeah, but that's not my fault.
Yeah, but sometimes patients get mad
and they're looking for
someone to take it out on.
And, you know,
you're a pretty easy target.
- Right, a target.
- Yeah.
They can turn on us and just snap.
Mm.
Oh, man, is that a balloon?
Look at that.
Someone must have just let it go.
Just floating out there. Wow.
Congrats, Brad.
Wonder what Brad did.
Please let me know if
Nurse Serena's hurting you.
She's a bit of a wrecking ball.
OK, what I said isn't that crazy.
I've treated abscesses larger than you.
Not not this one.
This is a normal size.
I'm small, but I'm scrappy.
Trust me. I could do some damage.
You might get a good kick in
with your Lululemon pants on,
but I think it's obvious who has
the advantage in this fight, OK?
So if I were Justin, yah!
[BACK POPS]
Did you just throw out your back?
No.
Are you sure?
I feel like I heard a pop.
- I heard it. There was a pop.
- No, there was no pop.
That was my shoes.
Can you finish up here please?
No, I did not throw out my back.
I thought it was inappropriate
when I pretended
to attack Serena, so I stopped abruptly,
'cause I'm a feminist.
So apparently, we only
have five outside cameras.
Two of them are broken, and one of them
is pointing down at the ground,
because a bird sat on it.
I sure wish someone would have
brought that to my attention.
I did.
Well, not just verbally,
but also via email.
- I did.
- Regardless, it's time to get serious.
So Leslie is pricing out
some security upgrades for us.
We're talking fencing, extra guards,
floodlights, you name it.
We cannot put a price on
the safety of our people.
Well, give or take, it's
going to be about $200,000.
[BLEEP] you.
I'm sorry. Not you.
I just mean like the economy, like,
oh, eff you, price of goods.
We can't do that.
Now I'm going to say
something very controversial.
I hate violence.
I hate it.
But do you know what I hate even more?
- Racism.
- No.
I mean, obviously, yes, but no.
Taking the easy way out.
Now here I was about to
throw money at a problem
without truly fixing it.
Security cameras can fail.
Lights can go out.
Guards can be bribed
to join the bad guys.
What the heck? That's not true.
So you're saying if an attacker gave you
a billion dollars to hurt me,
you wouldn't do it?
I'd attack you for a billion dollars.
- Thank you, Serena.
- I'll do it for a million.
OK, it's not an auction, Brandon.
Point is, I'm going to teach you all
how to defend yourselves
so that you're not only safe
at work, but everywhere.
OK, but you are getting
those extra security measures
in addition to this, right?
Mm, that is a great question.
And I have time for one more.
Anyone?
There is no money in the budget
to update our security
right now, but I am not going
to let that stop me
from helping my people today.
I bought a self-defense book,
and I'm going to pass on a few tips.
It's not going to be here until Friday,
but I was able to preview
the first three pages
and learn a few things such as,
this book is dedicated
to Cheryl, to Cheryl.
"Rest in peace, my sweet angel."
OK, so hopefully these tips
are going to be better
than the ones Cheryl used.
When you're walking to your cars,
put your keys in between your knuckles.
Boom, homemade weapon.
All right, someone attacks you,
keys to the eyes, keys to the groin.
If your attacker is a female,
keys to the cooch will
really do some damage.
I just have a key fob.
Well, a fob to the cooch
is no vacation either.
All right? Oh, another thing.
This is something my mother taught me,
and I've used it hundreds of times.
If you think you're being followed,
pick your nose and eat it.
- [ALL MURMURING]
- Yeah, I know,
but no one will attack you
if they think you are
a disgusting self-snacker.
I'm sorry.
Did you say you've done
that hundreds of times?
That is horrifying.
Come on, Alex, stop virtue signaling.
Jesus. Oh, here's a good one.
Have a phone conversation like this.
Oh, hello, Jerry.
Yes, I have the guns with me.
Oh, and I've just tested positive
for the latest strain of COVID-19.
They'll think you're the dangerous one.
I've been mugged nine times,
so hopefully this stuff will help.
The police say it's a record.
I heard that if you're being attacked,
you should yell fire instead help,
because people are way more
likely to run towards a fire.
Why would you run towards a fire?
Because firemen are hot.
What if your attacker is a fireman?
OK.
OK, it feels like we're
losing the thread here.
Firemen, America's heroes,
I don't think so.
- No way.
- Actually, Ron was showing me
a pretty impressive move this morning.
- Did you want to show everyone?
- No, I'm good.
- Oh, Ron, get up here.
- I don't I don't
No, come on. This is about safety.
- No, no, no, it's
- It's about saving lives.
- Come on. Don't be shy.
- It's private!
Sorry, Joyce, is your whole plan
just to tell us how to
gross out attackers?
- No.
- [LAUGHS]
I'm going to show you, OK,
with with some role play.
So I'm going to need a volunteer.
Keith, you look like a creeper.
Get up here.
[CLAPPING] Let's hear it
for our volunteer.
- Mr. Feldman
- came in with abdominal pain,
and we gave him an ultrasound.
Mm, looks like kidney stones
trapped in the ureter.
Yeah, he's definitely
gonna need surgery.
Ooh. He's not gonna like that.
No, he will not.
Whoa. Wow.
Big boy. [CHUCKLING]
- What?
- Nah, just yeah, good for you.
I think it's great. Muscle man.
So, Mr. Feldman, yeah,
your results are back,
and mostly everything looks normal.
But, yeah, we are going
to have to, you know.
Why would I know? You're the doctor.
- Well, you're you're just
- you're gonna have to
Matt, why don't you take it from here?
Oh, sure.
So, unfortunately, we will
have to perform surgery
to remove your kidney stones.
I gotta have surgery for this?
Yeah, Matt. What? Come on.
It's just a kidney stone.
What, can't you give him
a pill or something?
I don't think so, but I'm not sure.
Well, you know,
what does it say on your chart?
At the bottom right corner
under my signature.
- Just read it.
- Oh. Yeah.
Surgery required to remove solid mass.
Ahhh, come on.
Are you kidding?
I don't have time for surgery.
Damn it, Matt.
What are you doing to this man?
Oh, Matt Pearson.
Well, if you have any other
questions or concerns,
Matt Pearson here
will take care of them.
Matt Pearson. Nice.
You know, a lot of people
suffer from PTSD
after a violent attack, but not Bruce.
He's actually mentoring me
and getting my name out there.
Matt Pearson.
So you're tied up in the
back of Keith's van, right,
and he's about to do something
really sick and twisted.
Sorry, guys.
- I don't know why I would do this.
- Hey, Joyce
You remember how I told you
to ask him for Mentos and Coke
in the beginning? Well,
now's the time to put them together.
OK, you start foaming at the mouth.
Keith comes by to check on you.
He doesn't want you dead, not yet,
and you go [GROWLS]
And bite his ear off.
Ewww, I don't want to eat Keith's ear.
Well, it's either that, or
you become his next skin suit.
Oh, boy. Yeah, you better eat my ear.
This is ridiculous.
I'm sorry, but I don't
think eating Keith's ear
or picking our noses is gonna
solve a national crisis.
We should be organizing
and writing our congressmen.
And who's our congressmen?
You know I don't know that.
And it's beside the point.
I think Alex is right.
We need to get our stories out there.
Exactly. Get the public's attention
so real change can happen.
That'd be much better
than these silly tips.
Oh, well, I'm sorry if
you think my tips are silly,
but we'll see what
happens when a psych patient
tries to French kiss you
in the middle of the night.
You're gonna be picking those boogies
and eating them till the cows come home.
I'm not gonna be
eating my boogers, Joyce.
Eat it.
- Eat it. Eat it.
- Grow up.
[TOGETHER] Eat it.
Eat it. Eat it.
I was wrong.
This is all extremely helpful.
- Bruce, you doing OK?
- What? Scared. Why?
Because of what happened earlier?
[CHUCKLES] No, no, not scared at all.
I don't even know why you'd ask that.
- Hey, Bruce.
- Ahh!
Ooh!
Oh.
[GROANING]
[PA CHIMES]
- Dr. Leonard to zone A.
- Dr. Leonard to zone A stat.
[GROANS]
[PA CHIMES]
Sorry, I meant zone B.
Dr. Leonard to zone B.
[GROANING]
[PA CHIMES]
Oops, my mistake.
I was right the first time.
It's zone A, Dr. Leonard to zone A.
Son of a
come on, man.
OK, ma'am, we're going to
take a quick trip to zone A.
I'm but I'm waiting for my son.
Oh, he's a good boy. He'll find you.
Tell the reporter that it's causing
way more pressure and anxiety for us.
Oh, and tell them about
the time Dakota got pushed.
It was funny but not OK.
- Yeah.
- What's happening?
Who's telling what?
Channel 3.
I reached out to their
investigative team.
Excuse me?
Yeah, I told them
what happened to Bruce,
and they're coming to do
a story about attacks
on health care workers.
Carl Justice is coming here?
"Carl on the Case"?
He's gonna make this place
look terrible.
Every business he reports on shuts down.
He even closed down that
all-night massage parlor.
And Sanderson loved that place.
I cannot believe
that you're thinking about
bad publicity and not what's best
for the staff right now.
No, I just mean
he doesn't have context,
our limitations.
He's gonna make it seem
like this is a place
where bad things happen.
A bad thing did happen, Joyce.
I'm trying to make sure
it doesn't happen again.
If you won't be the mama bear, I will.
[GROWLS] Mama Bear's
[NORMAL VOICE] I'm not gonna
do the voice though.
What can I do?
We don't have the money.
I wish we did.
I'd buy new floodlights,
new security cameras.
I'd buy every nurse a gun.
That is my dream for the future.
Of course I want to keep my people safe.
That's that's the
most important thing.
Well, firstly,
no broken ribs, so all good.
And second thing, don't
sneak up on people, you nut.
Gotcha. Sorry.
Are you sure this doesn't have
anything to do with the attack,
like, maybe it's affecting
you more than you think?
Oh, yeah. You got me, Matt.
All day long, I've just been churning
about what's happened to me.
[LAUGHS] Everyone's a threat. What?
Is that what you think?
Uh, I don't know.
I don't think I can do this anymore.
All right? And my self-worth is
in this job, so if I don't have this,
I don't have anything.
I'm scared, Matt. Help me.
- Wow.
- I'm kidding!
That's what you're saying.
That's literally what you just said.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Guess I was wrong.
Classic, Matt. Overthinking things.
There's a part of me that's
like, ah, he's in denial.
Ah! But that's just
something I need to work on.
OK, now press 7.
7, Libby, 7.
You pressed 6.
OK, third time is a charm.
Yo, yo, Alex.
So I went across the street
to the 7-Eleven
to see if their cameras
caught any of the attack.
And they did.
That's great. We can use that.
Maybe we'll actually catch the guy.
You might want to check it out first.
OK, there's Bruce.
[LAUGHS]
It's a goose.
He got hit by a freaking goose, bro.
Oh, [BLEEP].
I know, right? Hey, check it out.
It's funny if you
play it backwards, too.
[LAUGHS]
No need to be nervous.
Just answer my questions honestly.
- It's easy.
- Yep.
I will answer honestly,
and that will be easy.
OK, 3, 2, 1.
Terror at St. Denis.
I'm here with Alex Mazurkian,
a nurse who called to tell us
about a vicious attack
on a surgeon here. Alex, what happened?
Yes, one of our doctors was attacked?
Yes. Yeah.
That is yeah, that's the
word I would use, attacked.
By a former patient.
Uh, well, you know,
that's not for me to say,
so, you know, I'd better not say.
[CHUCKLES]
But that is what you said
when when you called in, so
I did. That was a phone call,
and I think we all know, you know,
how the game of telephone works
where you start out
and you're like, pizza is good.
And then by the end,
it's like, you know,
Jenny hooked up with Robert
in the bathroom
and lives are ruined.
I'm sorry, what
what are we talking about?
That's a good question. I think
what we should be talking about is this.
Violence against health care workers
is on the rise nationwide.
In fact, at this hospital
just this year
Yeah, yeah, look,
that's great, but but
that's terrible, definitely,
but just to clarify,
you did say you believe
that this attacker was a former patient?
What I believe is that
this attack happened in the parking lot
of our hospital.
So, you know, you do the math.
I'm sorry. I feel like you're
like you're dodging our questions.
I'm just I don't
want to speculate, you know.
- I feel like speculating
- Oh, I'll speculate.
Oh, God.
Let me give it to you straight, Carl.
A crazed patient attacked
one of our star surgeons
in the parking lot.
We need to find this man
and lock him up.
It's OK, you really
don't need to do this.
No, I do need, Alex. I do need.
Do you work at the hospital?
Dr. Joyce Henderson, executive director,
truth-teller, protector.
And I would just like to tell
the world that a coward
clocked Dr. Schweitz
in the back of the head
just because he works
in the medical profession.
Would I call it a hate crime?
100%.
[GROANS]
Ron, come on, let me get that.
I am fine.
I am a grown man.
Ahh!
[EXHALES]
Gotta give it to Ron.
His body might be weak,
but his ego is strong.
Never heard a grown man
make that sound before.
It was haunting.
No, he fled the scene, and
he's just out there right now,
probably sitting in his easy chair
watching this and laughing
or touching himself.
Who knows with these weirdos?
- Again, we're not live.
- OK.
I think we should focus
on the broader issue.
Because, you know,
this one random incident
- is not the point.
- No, it is the point, Alex.
I believe that this random attack
from a perverted former patient
is a clear example
of the violence that health care workers
face on a daily basis.
Now, I would like to address
the assailant personally.
How dare you?
It was a goose.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, it wasn't a patient.
It wasn't even a human being.
No, it was a goose.
- I'm sorry, what?
- What was what was a goose?
I was sucker punched by some dumb bird.
Yeah, no one's out to get me.
Oh, so so you were not attacked
because you're a doctor?
I mean, that's a question
for the goose, Carl.
I'm sorry, I'm just trying
to play catch-up here.
Are you saying the goose was
working with the pervert?
What? No, no, no.
Here's your story, Carl Justice.
A pack of lawless geese
terrorizes Merrick.
Can we band together
OK, I feel like we got what we need.
No, sorry, can I just real quick.
I understand that in
this particular instance,
Bruce was attacked by a goose.
However, across the nation,
health care workers are being
threatened and assaulted even.
But despite the risks, they
still show up every single da
Yeah, they're not gonna run the story.
Also, I'm not allowed to call
the Justice Hotline anymore.
- Pretty long walk to the car.
- You want any help?
No.
But if you want,
I'll walk you to your car,
you know, for safety.
All right, sure.
[GROANS]
You know what might make even more sense
is if we walk to my car
and then I give you a ride to your car.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Well, when we get to my car,
you may have to swing my legs in.
- I'm not doing that.
- Fair enough.
- Must be a relief.
- Oh, yeah.
Just a random flyby from a bird
that could come from
any direction at any time
- Yeah.
- Completely unprovoked.
[GOOSE HONKING]
Run!
How's that?
Still two degrees to the left.
Two degrees?
Left.
Left, Leslie. Make an I with your hands.
Wildlife attacks against
my employees are unacceptable.
I have always believed that.
And Mama Bear will do anything
to protect her people.
[AIR HORN BLARING]
Oh, no.
Oh, they like it.
They're coming back. [BLEEP].
[AIR HORN BLARES]
[GEESE SQUAWKING]
[AIR HORN BLARES]