Ted (2024) s02e02 Episode Script

1
My words are lazy ♪
My thoughts are hazy ♪
But this is one thing ♪
I'm sure of ♪
Everybody needs ♪
A best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
Where does this guy live anyway?
- Brookline.
- Man, he must be fuckin' loaded.
Goddamn right he's loaded.
He's a big shot lawyer.
Guy's got more money
than he knows what to do with.
Well, how long's
this gonna take?
Jerry Springer's got
white supremacists on,
and those are always
the best ones.
I think they intentionally find
the lightest chairs.
It'll take the time it takes.
Jesus Christ, how many times
have I asked you
to come and help me on a job?
- Five thousand.
- That's right. Zero.
This is a very important client.
So when we're there,
no screwin' around.
Hey, Johnny, when we get there,
let's screw around.
Man, you weren't joking, dad.
This guy's driveway is
the length of our street.
Yeah, well, big house,
big lawn, big problems.
What problems?
Well, with the house
so far back from the street,
they're probably not tied
into the city sewage line.
I bet you $20 they had to put
a septic tank up there.
No. Thank you.
You're jealous.
- No, I'm not.
- You are.
You're jealous of their money,
and now you're jealous
of their poop.
I am not jealous of their poop.
It gets its own private tank.
And that drives you crazy.
That's elite poop.
You guys want me
to turn this car around
right now, huh?
Want me to take you both home
right fuckin' now?
- Oh, yeah.
- Actually, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that'd be fantastic.
Well, I'm not gonna.
Their poop is
better than your body.
Shut up!
Hi, I'm Matty Bennett.
I'm here to install
the wireless dog fence.
Oh, yes. Of course.
I'm Mrs. Robichek.
My husband said you'd be by.
But I'm afraid
he's already left.
But feel free to get started.
All right. Well,
I can install the fence today
and fit the collar next week.
That's perfect.
We're getting
the dog on Thursday.
By the way,
you probably get this a lot,
but, uh, are you guys tied
to the city sewage line,
or do you have a septic tank?
I don't know.
Huh.
Well, rich or poor,
we all spend two hours
a day on the toilet.
Stool's the great equalizer.
Benjamin Franklin said that.
In fact, until 1940,
that's what it said
on the back of the dime.
Well, you can get started.
Hey, there. Can I get you
boys some iced tea?
Uh
Johnny! Move it!
We got work to do.
Jesus Christ.
I've never seen a woman
that beautiful
in my entire life.
Well, don't look now,
but she's staring at you.
- What? Seriously?
- I said don't look!
Hey, you know what?
Take your shirt off.
What? No. Why?
You know
why she's looking at you?
'Cause her husband's probably
some fuckin' old hairy guy.
His back probably looks like
the floor of a barbershop,
but you,
you're sleek and hairless,
like a baby dolphin.
Hey, I got some
chest hairs coming in.
Bullshit. You're about as hairy
as a pack of batteries.
Come on, give her a show.
Oh, fuck off!
Aha! I found the septic line.
They probably have
a tank over there
with a 12-inch pipe splitting
off to all the toilets.
Think they're too good
to mix with our stools?
Well, I'll show them.
What does he mean
by "I'll show them"?
Whatever it is, we should
probably be prepared to testify.
Johnny.
- Johnny.
- What?
Oh.
Oh, I was dreaming
about Mrs. Robichek.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, we were in this, uh,
this colonial village,
and she was just there
churning butter.
It was so hot.
And I was there
jerking off at it.
- At it?
- Yeah. Why?
That's a, that's just
a weird preposition.
Makes it sound like
you're firing cum at her.
Jerking off about it?
I don't know,
they both sound wrong.
Also, last week,
didn't you have a dream
where Cindy Crawford was naked
and she said,
"I want you so bad,"
so you ran home and jacked off?
Yeah, that was so hot.
But, like, in your dream,
you went home and jacked off
Like, you're supposed
to actually get laid
in your dreams,
but you went home.
Yeah, I, I didn't have a condom.
What was I supposed to do?
- What?
I don't wanna get her pregnant
and derail her modeling career.
It's your dream.
She should be doing
whatever the hell you want.
She was cool
when I helped her move.
In your fucking dream?
I gotta go back to sleep
and drive her to the airport.
I think you're being
taken advantage of.
I'll tell you who's
getting taken advantage of:
Cindy Crawford,
in my fantasy, while I'm
jacking off in my dream.
Jesus.
You're like the Philip K. Dick
of dicks.
How about that?
No.
No.
You got it.
I can't.
Oh.
Fuckin' forget it.
- It's all right, Matty.
- No, it's not all right, Susan.
It's fuckin' humiliating.
Maybe you're just tired
or stressed.
Of course I'm stressed.
I'm working my ass off
day in and day out,
and we're still
barely scraping by.
Who the fuck
wouldn't be stressed?
Have you tried thinking
about Carl Yastrzemski?
It's the first thing I did.
What about Reagan
when he asked Gorbachev
to tear down the wall?
Nothing.
"Well, Mr. Gorbachev,
tear down that wall."
Susan, I don't want to think
about things going down.
Maybe you should call
the doctor.
You know, we may be
in the financial shithouse.
We got one thing going for us.
We're still on the city
sewage line.
Whatever comes out
of us, one flush
and it's off our plate.
You should call the doctor.
Hello.
Mr. Bennett,
this is Mrs. Robichek
from yesterday.
Oh. Hey.
Everything workin' okay?
Oh, everything's fine,
but I feel so stupid.
I wrote your check
from the wrong account.
Would it be possible for me
to give you a new one?
Yeah. No problem.
I-I'll send Johnny over.
Um, would you mind sending over
the little bear instead?
Whatever you say.
Hey, Ted!
Well, I don't understand.
Why'd she ask for you?
I don't know, maybe she's
looking for the scoop on you.
Maybe she wants to bang you,
and she thinks I'm your pimp.
Why would she think that?
'Cause I'm always wearing fur
and you look like a bitch.
- What?
- Or maybe she wants you,
but she wants to make sure
you won't blab about it.
Well, tell her I can keep
a secret and then do this.
Yeah, that's, uh No fingers.
Oh, yeah. Right.
Oh, what if I just go
ee-ah-ee-ah-ee-ah?
Oh, yeah. That's good.
Man. Can't believe pretty soon
I'm gonna be looking at a woman,
then running home
to jerk off in real life.
Uh, hello?
Hello, Theodore.
Oh, uh, it's, it's just Ted.
I'm sure everybody
calls you Ted.
I wanna have
a special name for you
that only I get to use.
I like Theodore.
Yeah. Um, Matty says I'm
supposed to pick up a check.
Yes, you are.
That's a pretty weird place
to keep a checkbook.
Ah, thanks.
Wow. That's the good stuff, huh?
Oh, we have
the good stuff, all right.
Expensive liquor,
expensive food,
expensive furniture.
We even have outdoor pillows.
- Wow.
And we don't even
bring them in at night.
Fuck me.
But there's never anyone here
to enjoy it with me.
I get so lonely rattling around
this big ol' place.
Yeah, I was just, uh, saying
that yesterday
to my, uh, coworker.
Oh, yes, there was
that other fellow.
What was his name again?
I, I forget his name, actually.
He's just one of the guys
from the crew.
You know, married,
big family, AIDS.
Even when my husband is here,
he's not really here.
He's always off working,
always off
in his head somewhere.
You know what I mean?
Ee-ah-ee-ah-ee-ah.
- What?
- Nothing.
That was just so I don't have
to lie to a friend.
You look tense.
Here, let me help.
Oh.
Ohh, shit.
Just relax.
Hey. You-your, uh,
your husband's not home, right?
Nobody here but us chickens.
Cluck, cluck.
Well, I hope you like sucking
- What?
- Sorry, this is
my first chicken-themed flirt.
I was just trying stuff out.
Come here.
I can't believe
you missed your flight.
Mrs. Robichek is a goddess.
How'd it go?
Oh, it went, buddy, it went.
Well, did you talk me up?
Johnny, I tried, I really tried,
but she just did not care.
Uh, I don't know,
there's some rumor
going around town
that you got AIDS.
M-maybe that was a factor,
I don't know.
It was just
very little interest.
Oh.
On the other hand,
guess who has two thumbs,
no fingers, and just made out
with Mrs. Robichek.
What? You're kiddin'.
I don't know what happened.
I walk in the door,
and next thing I know,
half my face is in her mouth.
Hey, listen,
don't be mad at me, okay?
- Mad? Teddy, this is epic.
- I know, right?
And I'm gonna
see her again tomorrow.
You gotta tell me what happens.
Oh, I will.
Meantime, I hope
your dad doesn't try
to smell this check.
So, what is it today, Matty?
Pooping too much or not at all?
No, no, nothing like that.
It's something embarrassing.
What's the problem?
The corn ain't growing.
You you know, you know
what I'm telling you?
I can't raise the flag
over Fort Balls.
Jesus Christ,
my wang won't work.
Ah. Is this a urinary issue?
Oh! I wish.
I-I can piss like a racehorse,
but I couldn't get an erection
if you put a knife to my throat.
Well, we'll never know
that for sure.
Now, we can treat the
physical causes of impotence,
but there's usually a
psychological component as well.
Are you under
any elevated stress?
Yeah. Not being able
to get a boner
is pretty fuckin' stressful!
Yes, it is.
And then that stress
will prevent you
from getting another one.
It's a paradox we call
Schrödinger's boner.
Did you even go
to medical school?
Worry a little less
about me, limp dick.
Blaire, I need a favor.
Um, knock, please.
Look, I'm not gonna
bore you with the details,
but I need to borrow your car.
Okay, well,
a few details wouldn't hurt.
Why do you need my car?
Okay, so two days ago,
me and Teddy helped Dad out
with a big job
over in Brookline,
and there was this
smoking hot woman, Blaire.
And I had to go back
over there yesterday
to get the check,
and let's just say
I ended up getting
a lot more than a check.
And now he's been invited back
for sexual seconds.
Wow. Okay.
Uh, what's her name?
Her name is Mrs. Robichek.
Wait. What? She's married?
Well, yeah,
but I'm assuming not happily,
or she wouldn't have stuck
her tongue down my throat.
Ted, you can't be party
to an affair.
Uh, you're messing
with someone's life.
You're in the middle
of someone's marriage.
I'm not gonna get
in the middle of nothing
if you don't loan me your car.
What about Mr. Robichek?
Have you thought about him?
Oh, my God, you're right.
I need a lookout.
No, he is a human being,
and you could ruin his life.
Well, only if he finds out.
Johnny, would you sit in
Blaire's car and be my lookout
while I have dirty bear sex
with Mrs. Robichek?
Teddy, It would be my honor.
Ted, you asked me for a favor,
so I'm going to do you a favor.
No, you cannot borrow my car.
Blaire, if you wanted
to borrow my car
so you could go over
to some guy's house
and have him knock the bottom
out of you, I'd do it.
Knock the bottom out?
I don't know,
my mind's messed up
'cause I should be over there
knocking bottom out.
Please leave my room.
Matty, how'd it go
at the doctor?
Doc says there's nothing
physically wrong with me.
Oh.
- Says I should,
I should see a shrink.
Oh, well, that might
not be such a bad idea.
- Yeah. Me neither.
- Uh-huh.
You know, why can't I get
a fuckin' break, Susan?
You know, it's just one
goddamn thing after another.
You know that,
that Robichek guy,
he's got his own septic tank.
Oh, my.
Yeah, yeah, sure,
sure, we all pretend
that it's better
to be on the city sewage,
but the fact is,
he's rolling in fuckin' clover.
You know, he's my age.
Yeah,
we're the same goddamn age.
Look at his life
and look at mine.
Maybe I don't want
my shit going off to the city.
Maybe I want it staying
right here
under this goddamn house.
Matty,
you have a wonderful life.
Half of my paycheck
and all of my turds
are going
to the fucking government.
We have such a beautiful house.
I try holding it in,
but I'm weak, Susan.
I wouldn't want
to live anywhere else.
Oh, forget it.
I'm going to watch the game.
I'm making pie.
- Uh, hey, Dad.
- What?
Can we borrow the car?
I'm involved
with a married woman,
and I want to go over
to her house
and fuck her
while her husband's not home.
Fine.
Uh thanks.
Zestfully clean, my ass.
Okay, if you see anybody,
lay on the horn hard.
Got it.
You're a real pal, Johnny.
You know that?
Hey, a detailed description
of every nuance
of Mrs. Robichek's naked body,
and we're even.
What if there's,
like, a weird mole?
I wanna know about it.
And you should tell her.
- Okay.
Ask her
if it's changed recently.
I'll keep an eye out
for anything
with irregular edges.
And before you leave, make sure
to tell her
to start wearing sunscreen.
- Even on cloudy days.
- Especially on cloudy days.
God,
does this woman have cancer?
Well, hello there, Theodore.
I was just about to run a bath.
Oh. Well, I can come back.
Oh, no need to leave.
Well, I don't wanna be
just sitting around like
Ohh. A sex bath.
Hey, can I ask you something?
- Sure.
I mean, you're so gorgeous.
You could have any guy you want.
Why me?
- Can I confide in you?
You can do anything
you want in me.
I learned on a teddy bear.
He was soft and cuddly
but had this hard little nose.
Well, I'll tell you,
my nose is rock hard right now.
You know what?
I think that's enough talking.
Arlene.
Can I ask you about something?
Sure, Susan.
I don't know how to say this
it's between you, me,
and the apple tree.
Matty has a problem.
Aw. This?
Oh, no.
Well, yes,
but also in the bedroom.
Ohh.
Too much or too little?
None at all.
He can't
You know how sometimes
when your foot falls asleep,
even if you think about
Carl Yastrzemski?
And the doctor says
nothing's wrong with him.
I don't know what to do.
Yeah, well, unfortunately,
honey, this one's on you to fix.
I've been trying.
I opened up a fresh egg
of pantyhose the other day,
he didn't even notice.
Take a look at this.
Oh, Arlene,
I couldn't read a Cosmopolitan.
Why not?
- We're Catholic.
Susan, there's
a lot of good stuff in there.
It can point you
in the right direction.
"Ten titillations
to liven up your lovemaking."
You take that home with you.
My guess is there's
something in there
that'll help solve your problem.
Gonna have to hide this
so Matty doesn't find it.
Do what I do.
Put it near the broom.
Oh. Arlene Goldbaum,
you're one hot ticket.
Oh.
Wow, where'd you
get a robe my size?
I had a four-year-old son
who died.
Wh What?
I'm kidding.
All right, one red flag,
but you're still pretty hot.
No, actually,
I had the seamstress
whip it up this morning,
and I have
something else for you too.
Wh What is it?
I thought we could
take this to the next level.
Well, you know,
the Hasbro Corporation
left out one little detail.
I thought of that.
Hurry up. I wanna see it.
Hang on.
Just gettin' it on here.
It does go on the front, right?
Mm.
That was mind-blowing.
Sorry I came so fast.
No, seriously,
I particularly like the part
where you spun me around
like a steering wheel.
Hmm. I call that
the ten and two.
The ten and two. Nice.
Next time, how about you
wear the dog collar,
fuck me near the electric fence?
Well, that's a second red flag,
but, hey, still hot.
Got my paper and I was free ♪
Blaire?
Oh. Hey, Aunt Suse.
You have a minute?
Yeah, sure. Come on in.
Sorry to bother you,
but I need some advice.
Of course. What's up?
Matty's been having a problem.
Okay. What kind of problem?
It's a personal issue
in his bathing suit area.
- Oh.
- And I've been looking through
this article on ways to help,
but I don't even know
what most of these things mean.
Yeah, if if you promise
to never use the phrase,
"Matty's bathing suit area"
again, I will help you.
Okay.
Okay.
Um, these are called kinks.
Well, some of these things
don't seem so bad.
A pearl necklace, a facial.
Sounds like a day of pampering.
Yeah, that's not
Day at the spa.
No. It's not
what that is at all.
Now, do people
really do this one?
I mean, um,
I'm sure someone, somewhere.
I've never even made
a fist in anger, let alone
Let's keep looking
down this list.
What's a golden shower?
That is when you go
to the bathroom on your partner.
- Oh, my!
- Yeah.
Would we need
our own septic tank?
Okay. What else?
What else is on the list?
Exhibitionism.
Is that like at a museum?
No, that's when, uh,
you are intimate
with someone watching.
I wonder if Matty would like
someone else watching.
I don't know.
I imagine it'd have to
be a Republican.
You know what? I have an idea.
Why don't we put this away
and never look at it again?
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
What's a ten and two?
Oh, shit!
Oh, balls!
Why would you do that?
I am so sorry.
I-I didn't see you.
Look at my groceries.
I'll-I'll get 'em.
Ugh! Jesus.
Did you buy anything
that isn't round?
Fuck you!
You know, I hope you don't think
this is too sudden of me, but
I love you.
Aw. That's sweet.
And that's literally
from the heart.
You know,
as crazy as it sounds,
Mrs. Robichek,
I really am
falling in love with you.
And I don't even know
your first name.
You don't?
That's insane.
Well, Theodore, my name is
Hon? I'm home.
Oh, my God, that's my husband.
He wasn't supposed
to be back till tomorrow.
Shit, shit, shit, shit!
What do we do?
Fuckin' thing won't come off.
Where are you?
Um I'm-I'm upstairs.
Quick, get under the bed.
- Where is he?
- What are you talking about?
Don't. There are two
half-empty glasses downstairs.
Two cigarette butts
in the ashtray.
Where the fuck is he?
- I can explain.
I'm gonna kill you,
you motherfucker!
You in here?
- David, please.
Is he in the bathroom? Huh?
You in the bathroom,
you little shit? Huh?
Go, go, go.
I swear to Christ,
you better tell me where he is
or I'm gonna
What the fuck is this?
Is that pervert's idea
of a romantic gift? Huh?
A teddy bear with a dick on it?
Jesus Christ, Charlotte.
Charlotte?
I know he's in here.
When I get my hands
on that motherfucker,
I'm gonna
- What? You'll what, David?
Reschedule a conference call?
Cancel a meeting?
Ignore your pager?
You won't do shit.
And for your information,
that motherfucker
is more of a man in bed
than you'll ever be.
You think about that.
You're probably right.
I need a drink.
Oh!
Aw, shit.
I'll keep him busy.
Give me about a minute
and then sneak out
the front door.
Got it.
All right, here we go. Sorry.
About time. Jesus!
Pinball and soda pop
has turned all you kids
into assholes!
- Uh, David
- Don't say anything. Please.
Let's not embarrass ourselves
any more than we already have.
That's him.
I'm gonna kill
that motherfucker!
David, wait!
Johnny! Johnny!
Johnny, start the car!
What the fuck is that?
Big purple dick. Go, go, go!
We gotta get
the fuck outta here!
You motherfucker!
PMN 653.
PMN 653.
PMN 653.
She's flying it.
She's flying it herself.
Climb, baby, climb.
The mountains.
We're so close.
Can I help you?
I figured you'd look like that.
Just a primitive ball of muscle.
Wait, you
you're David Robichek,
the-the-the big shot lawyer.
Yep. And you're Matt Bennett.
That's your car
parked outside, right?
Yeah. I-I just installed
your wireless fence.
Based on what my wife told me,
you did a lot more than that.
Oh, yeah, well, I, I checked
out the plumbing in the back.
You know,
poked around a little bit.
- You son of a bitch!
- Whoa, whoa. I'm sorry.
I just wanted to see
where the poop goes.
Your wife seemed fine with it.
- Okay, stop it!
- Okay.
I just need to know your secret.
My secret?
What makes you
such an incredible lover?
I mean, how do you cast
such a spell over women?
- Um
- You know what? I'll pay you.
I'll pay you $1,000 to watch.
To, to watch what?
Fine, I'll pay you $5,000.
But not with my wife.
I don't think I can handle that.
Ok Am am I
missing something here?
Oh, Jesus Christ, do I
have to spell it out for you?
I will pay you $5,000
to watch you
have sex with your wife.
- What?
I could be mad at you,
but I'm not.
Truth is, I'm envious.
You're obviously a stallion
of some kind, and I'm not.
I wanna learn from a master.
Five grand?
Would you excuse me?
Uh Susan?
- Yeah.
- Um
I'm gonna ask you something,
and it may scare you at first,
but before you say no,
just think about it.
What is it?
Would you
have sex with me
while another guy watches?
Oh, Matty!
Of course I would!
Really?
Oh!
Thank you, Cosmopolitan.
I'm ready.
Can you find it?
I'll just move it a little.
Yeah.
Mr. Robichek,
would you like some coffee?
No, I'm fine.
I'm just here to watch the sex.
All right, well, here we go.
And that oughta do it.
That's it?
That's how my dad showed me.
Now I'm more confused than ever.
Matty.
You're all better.
Yeah, I guess so.
Oh. I love you so much.
Well, same here.
And I want you to know,
whatever kinks you may have,
you can always tell me.
Jesus Christ, Susan.
Why do you gotta
ruin everything?
Wow, you look fantastic.
Ted, what are you doing here?
Look, I had to
come here and tell you.
I really am in love with you.
And I wanna spend
the rest of my life with you.
Which could possibly be,
like, a thousand years.
We ain't really figured
that one out yet.
But I can be a better man to you
than he ever could.
Ted I can't.
What? Is this because
I took that eight dollars?
- What?
- Oh, uh It's
Never mind. Nothing.
Look, you're very sweet.
And what we had was
fun and wonderful.
But David and I are gonna
try and make things work.
But he's an asshole.
You've only seen
one side of him.
I went up on you.
David came home last night
remorseful and contrite.
He told me he still loves me
more than life itself.
And something else
about having no idea
the sexual bar was so low.
But anyway,
he's my husband,
and I'm gonna keep him.
- But
- I know you'll find
that special person that you
can share your life with.
She'll be all yours,
not someone else's.
You good, hon?
Um, I'll be ready in a minute.
Who's at the door?
It's nobody, sweetheart.
Goodbye, Ted.
I'll never find anybody else.
There'll never be
another Mrs. Robichek.
Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry.
I wish you'd never
wished me alive.
I can't handle the agony.
Everything's gonna be okay.
All right? You'll see.
No. There will never be
another woman for me.
Not ever.
I never saw Mrs. Robichek
again after that.
I heard she and her husband
moved to Barcelona.
Eventually my pain subsided.
And then one day years later,
at an adults-only flea market,
who did I run into
but the old purple dildo.
He had some scratches
and a few dog bites.
But it was him, all right.
We exchanged a few laughs
and then went our separate ways.
We didn't say goodbye, though.
I guess we both wanted
to keep the door open.
Occasionally I'll put an ad
in the classifieds,
see if he answers.
You ever feel like
you don't know
when to stop talking?
Oh, you've got a headful ♪
Of someone dreadful ♪
And yet, alas ♪
That someone adores you ♪
Everybody needs ♪
A best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
I'm just a clown ♪
And I'll bring you down ♪
But you just don't care ♪
'Cause your ♪
Best friend is me ♪