The Bad Guys: Breaking In (2025) s02e02 Episode Script

1
[heist music playing]
Pip, pip, cheerio!
The Bad Guys are off
to steal the Queen's jewels.
[in British accent] Love to get the old
paws on some rare British loot, I do.
Should probably
use a British moniker today,
like "The Bad Lads."
Yeah, The Bad Lads.
You can drop the accents.
We got a problem.
Everything's not okay in the UK.
The traveling showcase of
the Queen's crown jewels has been delayed,
after the flight from merry old England
was un-merrily canceled.
Must be that famously terrible UK weather.
Bangers and mash!
Bubbles and squeak!
What the bobbies?
But, hey, guess we have
a whole day off from criming.
Day off? F-from crime? [chuckling]
Yeah, no. That's not gonna work for me.
A heist a day or I get hot flashes.
I have a doctor's note.
[in British accent] Blimey! If I go a day
without doing a crime, I'll pop, I will.
Again, we really can drop the accents now.
[sighs] I could go a day without criming.
It would be hard, but I bet I could.
You? [laughs]
You're the most impulsive crook
I ever met. You wouldn't last an hour.
Poppycock! Which is British for,
"Try me, you scaley sock puppet!"
Oh! That sounds like a challenge.
If it is, what you gonna do about it?!
All right, let's all calm down.
No need to get competitive about
who can go longest without doing crime.
I'd nick the win off you blokes
without dripping a sweat.
Them's fighting words.
You gonna take that, Wolf?
I mean, as our leader,
I'd clearly win, because I, uh…
I have the most crime control.
Yes, that well-known quality
of a great criminal
that I didn't just make up.
Afraid not, guv'nor.
I'd last the longest,
fins down, Bob's your uncle.
[growling]
[Webs] That's it!
- We're doing a Con Test.
- [in British accent] Too right, innit.
And the first rule, no more accents.
Rubbish!
[heist music playing]
[engine revving]
[hisses]
[tires squealing]
The rules to our Con Test are simple.
Who made you the bo
I was getting to that!
As much as I'd love to destroy you all
in a battle of wills, and I would,
I can't compete because it's impossible
for me to stop doing crime,
even for a single day.
Countries I secretly run
as a cyber shadow lord would collapse,
yada yada, so I'll be the referee.
[whistle blows]
Now, pay attention!
You all have to make it 12 hours,
aka one full crime business day,
without committing any crime.
Any crime.
And I'll be watching you,
so no funny business.
Any questions?
I'm gonna need you
to be a little more specific
about what constitutes a crime.
Yeah. What about hijinks?
Eh, I'll allow it.
But cool it on the shenanigans.
What about mischief
that leans into a little misdemeanor?
- Uh, def a penalty.
- [groaning]
- [Wolf] What?
- No shame if you all want to back out now.
[scoffs] No, I… No way.
I have total crime control.
Oh, we'll see about that.
I don't have a crime problem.
I can stop whenever I want.
I'm going to destroy you.
[whistle blows]
How about
we make it a little more interesting?
We haven't doled out the new bedrooms yet,
and there's that nice big one.
[chuckles] I mean, that room
rightfully should go to me, as the leader.
Then win it fair and square, Wolf.
Because the Bad Guy
with the largest wardrobe,
me, deserves it most.
Again, me.
With a room like that,
I'd never have to deal with
the mess you slobs make ever again.
Snake specifically.
Big mistake, fish boy.
I didn't care about the room,
but now that I know how much you want it,
I'm gonna steal it from you by winning.
[Webs] It's settled.
Whoever makes it to the day's end
without committing a heist
wins bragging rights…
and the room.
And the day starts…
now!
[whistle blows]
[siren wailing]
Ah, dang.
[Webs] Wow.
Okay, let's say that was a mulligan.
But you only get one false start.
We're going for real this time.
So, I don't know, don't do crime?
Maybe use your time productively
to unpack all these boxes.
[gasps] Ooh!
Unpacking is kind of like cleaning.
Yeah, let's do this!
- I can unpack more than Piranha.
- Anything to get my mind off crime.
[keyboard clacking]
What the heck?
This is just
a bunch of old push pop sticks.
Why would I pack this?
Anybody have the feeling
somebody's been going through our stuff?
[gasps]
[gasps]
Oh, yeah.
Some sort of shadowy figure's
been looming around the lair,
desperate to get into your moving boxes.
Paranoid much?
My old salesman getup!
I can go deep method into character.
A character that isn't tempted to crime.
Norman P. McNormal,
the most average, regular,
unremarkable, un-criminal guy ever.
[grunts]
I found my Sleepyfin Tea!
Now I can snooze the day away
instead of feeling the urge to scourge.
This is good.
Not thinking about crime at all.
Wait a sec.
Le Grand Loup Criminel!
These were my favorite comics as a pup.
I totally forgot I had this.
Ah, the swagger, the class,
the joie de heist.
Pretty much
modeled my entire vibe after him.
This will be the perfect distraction.
[water bubbling]
[Norman] Why, it's just me,
Norman McNormal, top salesman
in quarter one of the fiscal year,
which, of course,
is different than the calendar year.
[groans] I'm fine.
Not tempted to do crime.
At all. Nope. Not me.
[laptop beeping]
- Better figure out something fast, Snake.
- Ha!
[knot tightening]
I'm unstoppable!
- [snoring]
- [Snake] Hey, Piranha, try to beat me now.
Hey, Shark! Shark! Shark!
Check me out. Look. Shark!
Actually, it's Norman.
That's some mighty fine knotwork
you got there.
Haven't seen a sheepshank that tight
since I was a shark sprout. [chuckles]
I bet you think I want you to untie me.
But guess what. I don't.
That's nice.
I'm actually gonna do my taxes now,
but you have fun.
[chuckles] Yep. No one untie me.
You all think I want you to,
but I've never been better.
You might even hear something
that sounds like me begging to be untied.
You know, "Untie…"
No, no, no, no, no.
I have total crime control,
and everything is… fine.
Hey, uh, Norman?
You're not gonna untie me, right?
Sure won't. I promise. It is weird
that you keep checking so often.
Yeah. No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good, good, good, good.
Good. [chuckles]
[straining]
You gotta untie me right now!
I need to steal some dessert!
Wolf?
Shark?
Please. I'm dying!
It's literally
in your best interest to untie me.
You made me promise not to.
And I, Norman P. McNormal,
always keep my word.
It's on the McNormal family crest,
by the way.
[wails]
[glass shattering]
[Snake screaming]
[tires screeching]
Oh, he honestly lasted
longer than I expected.
That's one down,
three left in the competition
for the win and the room.
Man, these, uh,
perfectly rendered drawings
of slick crimes being done
on the dangerous streets of Paris
are totally not tempting at all.
Sweet, succulent French crime.
Mm! [gasps]
[elevator rumbling]
I'm out, baby!
And trust me… Hoo-hoo!
…it's worth it.
Oh, man! I love stealing.
- [snoring]
- I just love not paying.
I love wanting a push pop,
and then I get that push pop,
no matter what.
Crime, you are my mistress
and my muse. [chuckles]
Yeah, I gotta go for a walk or something.
I can't stay in here.
Oh. Mind if old Norman comes along?
[Wolf inhales deeply]
[sighs] This fresh air is great.
Totally got my mind off crime. [gasps]
[wind gusting]
My credit card number is 6-9-7-0…
- [gasps]
- [woman] Wow!
The big city!
I hope no one takes advantage
of my bright-eyed optimism
and robs me blind on day one.
Is it me, or are there
an extra amount of crimes out here
just waiting to happen?
Just you, friendo.
- How are you doing this so well?
- Oh, Shark's gone deep method.
See?
[Shark] I'm still in here,
but when I go deep method…
[Norman] …Shark becomes Norman.
Going this deep
can be hard to come back from. [laughs]
Oh, but he's a professional,
so nothing to worry about.
I don't even know why
I said that last part out loud. Huh.
[Webs on earpiece] Uh, Wolf!
Looks like you're having a hard time.
What's going on, Mister Crime Control?
[wind gusting]
Hey, uh, Norman?
K-keep talking. Tell me about that…
W-what did you call it?
Backstory? Yeah, that.
My pleasure.
I'm a simple salesman with a small family.
Little Norman Junior plays Little League,
so I call him my little slugger.
[chuckles] His birthday's coming up,
so we're taking him to the waterpark.
[yawns]
Man, do I feel rested.
And yet, I'm ready for more snoozing.
Where's my tea?
And I thought you tooted a lot
when you were awake.
It's okay to be jealous
of my sleep squeakers.
So, you're out already, huh?
[tuts] Pretty embarrassing.
Why, I oughta…
[grunts] You're lucky
I've got push pop paralysis.
I may have lost,
but I can't let that tiny twerp win.
Hey, Webs,
I'm free to do as I please now, right?
[whistle blows]
Sorry. That was just for fun.
You have no idea the power you feel
when you blow a whistle.
You're out, so whatever's up your sleeve,
my eight legs are tied.
[hissing] Sweet.
Hey, Piranha,
is that a huge monster
attacking the city outside?
What? Big Greg is back in town?
Whoops! False alarm. [chuckles]
Anyway, your tea is ready. Drink up.
I'm sure it will knock you right out.
[slurps, burps]
Feeling a little chipper, are we?
I feel…
Wow! I feel everything!
Like wide awake
and ready to do some crime?
It's time to do what I do best!
- Cleaning montage on max mode!
- Wait. What?
[laughing maniacally]
I saved the best for last. Doing the di…
[snoring]
What the heck just happened?
[whistle blows]
Looks like he's crashing
so he'll sleep more.
Might be out for the day.
Was that your intention?
Weird. But who am I to judge?
I'm just a tiny genius with a whistle.
[groans]
[Norman] And that's the ins and outs
of working in door-to-door sales.
Now let me tell you all about
the magic of corporate bookkeeping.
You see, it all starts
with your classic spreadsheet.
Oh, that's not good.
[whimpers]
[klaxon blares]
[screams] My ear holes!
Wake up, you lazy bum! You lost!
Impossible! I've been sleeping all day.
I'm clean as a whistle in a bubble bath.
Watch it and weep!
[button clicks]
- [laughs]
- [gasps]
Pretty shocking stuff, bud.
You've committed sleep crimes.
Eww! Your sleptomania is contagious?
You been using my toothbrush?
Never touched a toothbrush in my life.
Stop trying to change the subject.
I caught you red-handed.
Wait a minute. Rewind that back.
Gladly.
[button clicks]
Something's not right.
[gasps] There's dirty dishes in the sink!
This footage is obviously fake.
You know I'd never do crimes
before scrubbin' the grubbin'.
You tried to sabotage me
because of
your twisted sense of competition!
[Piranha yelling]
Hey, Webs! You seeing this?
Feels pretty crimey to me.
[whistle blows]
Sorry. The whistle has a mind of its own.
But you started this, so I'll allow it.
Playground rules.
[Piranha yells, gnashes]
So I said,
"Working hard or hardly working?"
And he replied,
"Please stop talking to me."
And after that,
we became the fastest of friends.
Jiminy Christmas!
Does Norman Junior
ever love a good pinwheel.
BRB.
[sighs]
I want that room, but I…
I can't do this anymore.
[French accent] Bonjour, little wolf cub.
- [munching]
- [Wolf] Le Grand Loup Criminel?
You're real?
You're my idol.
Oui, oui. You have taste most excellent.
But tell moi, why do we sit on the bench
when we should be
ransacking this silly baby town?
Listen, this is gonna sound crazy. Um…
Crazier than hallucinating a cartoon?
Yes. No. Maybe.
But I can't do crime right now.
I have to prove I have crime control.
You know, I'm sure.
Ah, yes, of course!
Le contrôle criminel. Definitely a thing.
So I can't do crime
for a full business day.
No crime for the entire day?
But that is so…
so…
le boring!
It is almost funny!
Let us throw our heads back
and laugh at your delusion. [laughs]
No fan garçon of my mine
is going to be so pathetic!
Now, stand up, that I might
better beat you with my baguette.
- [scoffs] Do I have to?
- Oui.
[grunts] Ow! Ooh! Ow!
- En garde!
- Ow!
Oh. Oh, wow.
Wolf's losing it. [chuckles] Hysterical.
[Piranha yells]
[grunts, yells]
Piranha, put that down!
[yells]
Wow! Look at the time.
[Piranha gasps]
[chair clattering]
9:00 p.m.? But that's
The end of the crime business day.
You made it. See? Look.
[button clicks]
You made it.
It's the end of the crime business day.
You won.
Wow! You beat me fair and square.
Ha-ha! Crime, how I've missed you!
- Whoa! Ow! Whoa!
- Allez! To the jewelers, we must rob!
You don't understand. I have to
prove my crime control to my team.
It's the only way
to win the biggest bedroom.
The biggest bedroom?
You never mentioned this was the prize.
The leader of any opération criminel
deserves nothing less
than the big chambre of sleep.
Exactly. I could use the extra room
to plan heists and build forts.
[sighs] Encroyable.
We must defeat the big fish, eh?
It is simple.
You must trick him into doing crime first.
Fish are notoriously gullible.
They fall for anything,
even push pop stick puppets.
What?
We shall destroy Norman,
transforming him
from happy pappy to desperate dada.
Look! The mark approaches.
I just… Yeah, I-I…
I don't know if I could do that to Norman.
I mean, Shark. [grunts]
Come on.
You didn't come here to make les amis.
The sooner you defeat him, the sooner
we ransack the city. Think of it.
You and me, your childhood hero,
doing crimes together,
being super cool
and eating very long bread.
Well, sacrebleu, I'm in.
Uh, don't do that. It's offensive.
[indistinct whispering]
Wolf? Oh, Wolf? Don't worry.
I got you a pinwheel too, buddy.
[phone vibrating]
And a good evening to you.
Norman speaking.
Hi. Uh, Norman, it's, uh
Come on. Enhance the delusion.
[in gruff voice] Norman, it's your boss
at the sales job, place, thing.
Whatever. Listen up. You're fired.
You're fired from selling your sales.
Goodbye forever.
[beep]
[phone vibrating]
Hello?
[Wolf, in deep voice]
It's your husband, Kenneth.
- Sweetie, I
- Terrible news!
Little Norman Junior is sick.
It's awful. It's his, uh…
Splongle?
His splongle! It's a totally real
internal organ that everyone has.
And Norman Junior's is perforated.
No!
We need money
for the transplant immediately.
If we only had, say…
a jewelry store's worth of money,
that would pay for a new splongle
for our boy.
[gasps] I gotta go.
He's writhing in pain!
[phone beeps]
- A little dark, no?
- Yeah, I went too far at the end there.
[phone beeps]
[gasps]
[lock turning]
[guard whistling cheery melody]
[in stilted voice]
I must do it for Little Norman Junior.
Webs, you're gonna want to see this.
[Webs chuckles] I'm already watching.
You're getting awfully close
to entrapment, Wolf,
but you're walking that line
like a champion line-walker.
Proceed.
[grunts]
Hurry, Norman! Think of Norman Junior.
You're running out of time.
You're right, Wolf.
I-I need a fresh splongle for my boy.
I don't have time to pull a heist.
I need a splongle, right now!
Au revoir.
- [Norman growls]
- [gasps]
Loup, come back.
R-rendezvous? Uh, baguette?
[screams]
[Shark roars]
[chuckling] Oh, man! I needed that.
Stealing looks good on me, right, Webs?
[whistle blows]
That's a really obvious crime, buddy.
You're out.
What? B-but you said I already won.
Did she, though?
[chuckles menacingly]
[Webs on TV] You made it.
It's the end of the crime business day.
You won.
[Snake cackles]
I faked it all, you idiot!
[cackles] And you fell for it!
[Piranha groans]
You lose! You lose!
[Piranha yells]
[chuckles] Webs, you seeing this?
He's finally snapped.
Technically,
you're both out of the competition now,
so I have no jurisdiction.
But personally, I'm Team Fish on this one.
[screaming]
[panting]
Shark, it's me!
You're too method! You've crossed over!
There is no Shark, only Norman!
All render the splongle unto me!
[Webs on earpiece] Careful.
Jaywalking is a crime.
[sighs] There's not even any cars,
and I looked both ways.
[clattering]
[gasps]
[tires screeching]
Come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on. Change.
Change. Change. Please change.
[growls]
[yells]
[operatic music playing]
Wolf is out!
[Piranha yelling]
- [Wolf] He's gonna kill me!
- [Norman yelling]
[grunting]
[Piranha yells]
[Webs] Unbelievable.
Looks like our Con Test
has now transformed
into some sort of gladiatorial deathmatch.
Exciting!
[yelling]
Guys, you gotta help me!
Norman is out of control!
[gnashes]
[Wolf] Fin Bro, do something!
And scene!
[Wolf grunts]
[clattering]
[Shark] The only way
to diffuse an actor. Phew!
I really lost it there.
I'm so sorry, Wolf.
I went too deep.
I think I did too.
And, hey, it's clear you're the winner.
Just, please, don't ever eat me again.
Actually,
trying to harvest your roommate's organ,
even a made-up one,
like a splongle, is definitely a crime.
And it's still just 6:45.
Huh?
Wait. So, after all that,
there's no winner?
I guess none of you have crime control.
I can't believe you used arts
and crafts against me.
That's insidious!
Yeah, and I'd do it again!
I can't believe the crime
I had no control over was jaywalking.
That's so embarrassing,
so unlike my idol, Le Grand Loup.
And now I don't get the big bedroom?
You really blew this for me, Shark.
I wouldn't have chased you
if you hadn't threatened my boy.
Your son isn't real!
Neither is Loopy!
[whistle blows]
Guys, guys!
Come on. Let's simmer down.
I'm sure we can come
to some sort of agreement.
You know,
I'd rather let Webs have that big room
than any one of you deluded weirdos.
- Fine.
- Whatever.
Oh, I… I mean, if you all insist,
I guess I wouldn't mind
taking the big room.
There's no way Webs, like,
planned this whole thing, right?
- What?
- How?
Impossible.
Not if you have total crime control.
[cackles]
The traveling showcase of
the Queen's crown jewels has been delayed,
after the flight from merry old England
was un-merrily canceled.
I found my Sleepyfin Tea!
Sweet, succulent French crime.
My old salesman getup!
I can go deep method into character.