The Brady Bunch (1969) s02e02 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls ♪
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
Much more than a hunch
That this group must
Somehow form a family
That's the way we all
Became the Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way we became
The Brady Bunch.
How do these strike you, Mrs. Brady?
Well, they're lovely, Alice,
but I don't think curtains look right there.
No, no. I'm helping the boyfriend
decorate his apartment tonight.
Think Sam will like these in his kitchen?
Aren't they a little frilly, Alice?
Looks like they'd go better
in a woman's apartment
than a man's apartment.
That's the whole idea:
to turn that man's apartment
into this woman's apartment.
( Horn honking )
Oh, look who's home early on Friday.
Oh, what a way to start the weekend.
Hi, honey.
Gee, what a great surprise.
I hope nothing's wrong.
Wrong? Wait till you hear.
You're going to flip.
Well, how about a kiss first?
You know, that flips me, too.
Hey, you only hit one lip.
Guess what I have here.
Well
Oh, don't bother,
'cause you'll never guess.
Was I close?
Two tickets, fifth row center,
for tonight to see
Oh, Mike, I can't believe it!
For tonight!
But that show's been sold out for weeks.
Well, I
Oh, Mike, I'm so excited!
How did you ever do it?
But we can't go.
Can't go?
Carol, after all I went through
to get these things?
Well, I'm sorry, Mike,
but Alice is helping Sam
decorate his new apartment tonight.
Yeah? Well, she can
do that another night.
What's the big deal?
Well, you know, Alice
likes Sam very much.
I like Sam very much.
Mike, you don't want to marry Sam.
No. You got me there.
So maybe we can work out
something else.
MIKE: Hi, kids.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Dad.
Honey, you want to see this show
as much as I do, don't you?
Of course.
Honey, you know it's something
we never think of
because Alice is always here,
but why don't we call a baby-sitter?
Yeah. Why not, indeed?
Let's make an evening out of it
dinner first, and the show afterwards.
Look, I'll call Jennifer down the street.
She does baby-sitting.
A baby-sitter!
For us?
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
You can say that again.
Treating us like we're infants.
A baby-sitter.
I, for one, would feel
absolutely humiliated to be sat for.
So would I.
I think we ought to take
a firm stand with Mom and Dad.
Right. No baby-sitter for us.
I'll do all the talking,
but you keep nodding your head a lot.
Okay, but you've got
to look like we mean it.
Don't worry. I will.
I'll look them straight in the
eye and tell them we do mean it.
And I promise to back you up.
Oh, well, then you wouldn't
be able to sit for us.
It's Maude's bowling night.
Well, thanks, anyway, Maude.
I hope you break 100. Bye.
Well, I don't know
what we're going to do, Alice.
I've called everybody I know.
Me, too.
How we doing?
We're not.
What about Jennifer down the street?
That sounded so simple.
Well, she moved.
And you know my folks are out of town.
Everybody else we could think of
are busy.
Hey, I just thought of somebody.
Me.
I can help Sam decorate
his apartment any old night.
You got tickets to a show.
I don't need a ticket to see Sam.
Hey, great.
But we wouldn't hear of it.
No. We wouldn't hear of that, Alice.
Oh, I don't mind, really.
Alice, don't give it another thought.
Mike, uh
Listen, Mike, this evening out with Sam
really means a lot to Alice.
Okay, okay. I got the point.
I got your elbow, too.
Listen, why don't we call
one of those professional
baby-sitting agencies?
They're reliable.
You know something? You are brilliant.
You know, for that
you're going to get both lips.
( Clears throat ) Mom? Dad?
I'm sorry.
It's all right, Greg.
Just remind where we were, would you?
Of course. What is it, kids?
Marcia and I would like
to talk to you for a moment.
Sure.
Go ahead.
Well? What is it, Greg?
We're bugged about something, Dad.
Real bugged.
About what?
Marcia and I think we're too old
to have a baby-sitter,
and we're very firm about that.
MARCIA: Very firm about that.
Too old, huh?
Yes, sir. Too old.
I'm 14.
I'm 13.
Kids our age are baby-sitters.
They have a very good point.
Yeah.
Somehow, when they're your own,
they seem younger.
Then we can sit for ourselves tonight?
It's all right with me
if it's all right with your mother.
Well, why not?
Great!
Thanks, Mom.
Okay. Your tour of duty
will start at approximately 6:00,
at which time I'm going
to take your mother
to a very fancy restaurant.
6:00. Check. Come on, Marcia.
( Whispering )
Dad?
Now what?
Baby-sitters get 75 cents an hour.
What?
Each.
Each?
They sure are growing up.
Now, I'm trusting all of you
to be on your extra-best behavior tonight
with Greg and Marcia.
CINDY: Gee, Mom.
You mean you're leaving us all alone?
What a dodo.
She just got through telling you
we're going to be with you.
It's not being alone.
You want to bet?
Mom, does this mean
we have to follow their orders?
Especially his?
Your father and I
have left instructions
with Greg and Marcia.
They'll be acting for us.
Does that answer your questions?
Yeah.
We have to follow orders.
Good thinking.
Which one is the head baby-sitter?
Greg or Marcia?
Neither one.
We're both the Same.
Right, Mom?
Right.
You mean I have to ask both of them
to help me take a bath?
No chance, man.
I'll skip my bath.
No chance, man.
Greg will help you.
I'd still rather skip it.
( Sniffles loudly )
Cindy, are you coming down
with the sniffles?
If I am, I don't want Greg
or Marcia blowing my nose.
I can do it myself.
Okay, Greg and Marcia, you heard that.
No nose-blowing for Cindy.
Well, I guess that does it.
I better go get dressed.
( Sniffles again )
Cindy, are you sure
you're feeling all right?
Fine.
Well, just to be sure,
I think we better take your temperature.
I'll help, Mom.
Come on, Jan. Let's watch TV.
Everything under control?
I have the sniffles.
But I can blow my own nose.
Sniffles?
Oh, she's fine, Mike.
Greg
I want to make sure now
that you remember everything.
Would you stop worrying?
You said you trusted us.
Right. Right.
I do.
You smell something.
Smoke's coming out of the television set.
What do you do?
Get everybody out of the house
and call the fire department.
Hot-water pipe bursts. What do you do?
I don't take a bath.
Not you. Him.
I turn off the main valve
and call the plumber.
Yeah.
Right. Go get your face
washed know-it-all.
Dad? Why do baby-sitters
have to know so much?
Well, because
they're here to protect you
while Mom and Dad
are out of the house.
Protect us from what?
Oh, Bobby, all kinds of things.
Accidents, stranger at the door.
I don't know any strangers.
Bobby, come with me.
Come with me.
Now, I'm going to go outside
and knock on the door.
Did you lose your key?
Huh?
No, I didn't lose my key
I just want to show you something.
What are you doing?
Trying to see what you're doing.
Never mind that.
Now, just do what I told you.
( Knocking )
Hi, Daddy.
Never open the front door
without asking who it is.
Now try it again.
Okay.
( Knocking )
Who is it?
It's Daddy.
That's very good.
Now this time,
I'm going to be a stranger.
And a stranger is somebody
that we don't know, okay?
And we never open doors
for people we don't know.
Right?
Right.
( Knocking )
Who is it?
My name is Herman. Can I come in?
No. You're a stranger.
Okay, Bobby, time to get
cleaned up for dinner.
But but
No buts. Go on. Move along. Move
( knocking )
( Mimicking old lady ): I'm a little old lady,
and I want to use your
telephone. Let me in.
( In normal voice ):
Yeah, that's good, Bobby.
Okay, open the door.
( Knocking )
Come on, open up. I'm
not a stranger anymore.
For somebody who's not a stranger,
you're certainly acting mighty strange.
I was just
I was telling Bobby about strangers,
and not to open the door,
and I was Herman and
( giggling )
He went off, and you came up,
and I It's kind of funny, isn't it?
Hilarious.
Carol?
Carol
Oh, there you are.
Gorgeous.
( Horn honking )
Alice, Sam's here!
We all set?
I I think so.
Something's wrong.
No.
I'm not going to let a little sniffle
of Cindy's spoil our night out.
( Horn honks )
She have any fever?
None at all.
Then everything's fine.
Does who have a fever?
Cindy. But she hasn't.
Just the sniffles.
Oh, my. I hope it doesn't
turn into something worse.
You know kids and sniffles.
( Horn honking ) Have
a nice time, everybody.
There's Sam tooting again.
Well, I don't know
that I should go, Mrs. Brady,
with Cindy sick and all.
Alice, Cindy is not sick.
She just has the sniffles.
What do you think Greg
and I are here for?
Still, I think I'd better tell
Sam to forget about it.
Alice
you'll do no such thing.
Alice, Mrs. Brady and I
have the utmost confidence
in the baby-sitters we have
engaged for the evening.
Cindy's in excellent hands.
Well, okay. Enjoy the show.
Happy curtain-hanging, Alice.
It's our turn.
Yeah.
I guess so.
Something wrong.
Well, I was just thinking
about what Alice said.
Children's sniffles
can lead to something worse.
Honey, Cindy has sniffled before,
and Cindy'll sniffle again, right?
We'll look in on her every
five minutes if you like.
Please go.
Okay. Shall we?
Let's.
The gas. We turn the gas off?
Dad, our stove is electric.
I was testing. Just testing.
Let's go, honey.
Oh, listen, kids, I
We know where all
the phone numbers are, Mom.
And we'll lock the door right behind you.
Have a nice time.
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night.
( Knocking )
You didn't say, "Who is it?"
Only because I knew who it was.
You didn't chain the door.
Parents.
Certainly hard to bring up.
( Crunching apple )
Marcia
where you going with that?
Cindy. She said her sniffles
make her thirsty for milk.
Boy, oh, boy, is she sneaky.
She told me her sniffles made
her hungry for chocolate cake.
Do you have to eat that in here?
What's wrong with it?
Get a napkin.
I don't want apple juice
dribbling all over the furniture
for me to get blamed for.
What a grouch.
( Sighs )
Peter, can't you sit up?
Sure. Why?
Very funny.
You'll put a hole in the chair
with your shoe.
Do you mind?
Happy now, Mr. Dictator?
Okay, wise guy.
How'd you like to go to bed early
and miss that movie on TV tonight?
You can't make me do that.
I sure can, for not showing
proper respect to your sitter.
Oh.
That's better.
( Western music playing on TV )
Jan, will you hang up the phone
if you're not talking to anyone?
Just a minute, Gloria.
It so happens that I am talking to Gloria,
but I am not talking at the moment
because I am listening
to her do the talking.
Go ahead, Gloria.
( Sighs )
Kids.
( Soft music playing )
Would you care for
something from the bar?
Carol?
No, I think I'd rather have
a nice wine with dinner.
Me, too. May we have
the wine list, please?
Very good, sir.
Isn't this a charming place?
Yeah. Now that we've found it,
let's come here more often, hmm?
A very good idea, Mr. Brady.
( Chuckles )
What'll it be?
Steaks, good burgundy or
fish and chablis? What do you think?
I think we should have left this number
with Greg and Marcia.
Aw, honey, they know where we are.
We could go whole hog
and have lobster and champagne.
What do you say?
I wish I'd had the kids
check her temperature.
You promised to stop worrying
about Cindy.
Now, she's in good hands, right?
Right.
Wine list, sir.
Oh, thank you.
All right, what'll it be?
Burgundy, chablis or champagne?
Oh, not champagne.
You know the bubbles make me sneeze.
Yeah, me, too.
And speaking of sneezing
Honey, no more worrying, okay?
Uh-oh. What's wrong?
I think a snap just broke on my dress.
Yeah? Let me see.
No, no. It's all right.
I'll just get a safety pin.
It'll be fine. Don't worry.
I'll be right back.
Ready for your wine, sir?
Uh, I think I'll wait for my wife.
( Busy signal buzzes )
And then what, Gloria?
( Busy signal continues )
Anything look tempting?
Oh, Mike, their specialty
tonight is abalone steak.
You know how the kids love abalone.
( Chuckles )
You remember when Peter
went diving for abalone?
Yes, and he cut his foot on some coral.
That's right, he did.
Remember, it wasn't much at first,
and then it turned out to be pretty nasty.
You know that happens sometime.
Yeah, I suppose so.
That looks like Charlie Hoffman.
I haven't seen him for years.
Who's Charlie Hoffman?
He's an old friend.
Uh, he's just going out there.
Will you excuse me while
I see if I can catch him?
( Busy signal buzzing )
Well, just don't leave me
hanging here, Gloria!
Well, it wasn't Charlie Hoffman,
but the resemblance
was uncanny uncanny.
Oh, no. I think that pin's come loose.
I'll be right back.
Listen, honey, while you're gone,
I'll just get some change
for the parking lot attendant.
The trouble with you, Gloria,
is it's impossible
to believe a word you say.
( Chuckles )
Good timing, huh?
Uh-huh.
Mike, I just Carol, I just
called ho called home
You, too?
Well, Peter's foot
and the abalone got to me.
Mike, I'd feel a lot better
if we could run by the house
and check before going on to the show.
Why don't we skip dinner and do that?
We can eat later.
Uh, Captain.
Are you ready now, sir?
I'm afraid we've had a change in plans,
and we can't stay.
That's perfectly all right, sir.
I'll bring you your check.
Check?
But we didn't have anything.
There's the cover charge, madam.
And the state tax, of course.
But we didn't have anything to tax.
The tax is on the cover charge, sir.
You know, we really
shouldn't be doing this.
Why not?
Because we said we trusted them.
The kids will never forgive us
for checking on them.
Yeah. Maybe you're right.
Honey, listen, I'm sure they're okay.
Besides, they've got
the chain on the door.
( Sniffing ): Mike
I smell smoke.
Oh, that's just the Ditmyers' barbecue.
Well, maybe so,
but couldn't we check just the same?
They're always having those barbecues.
It'll only take a minute.
( Suspenseful music playing )
( Crickets chirping )
( Chair rattling )
Marcia, did you hear something?
Like what?
I'm not sure.
What was it?
Jan, get off the phone.
I have to make an important call.
( Whispers ): Are you all right?
Yes. Yes, sir,
I heard it twice.
Thank you very much. Good-bye.
The police are sending
a patrol car right over.
He said there's one right
in the neighborhood.
You would have been quieter
breaking down the front door.
Boy, you better be sure
you heard something.
( Sniffing )
I think you're right.
It's the Ditmyers' barbecue.
( Rustling in bushes )
( Creaking )
( Whispers ): Wait here.
( Screaming )
Mr. Brady, what are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
MAN: What are you all doing here?
Well, you see, Officer,
Alice here is our housekeeper.
That's right, Sergeant.
And you were fighting over
who's going to vacuum
those bushes tonight?
Oh, no. This is our house.
We thought Alice was a prowler.
She was supposed to be over at Sam's
doing the curtains!
I got worried about Cindy.
The kids are sitting
alone for the first time.
The line was busy.
I got to worrying about her cold.
MIKE: We skipped dinner,
but didn't want to miss the show.
A friend of my husband's
gave him the tickets.
All we wanted to do was check.
CAROL: It's a simple explanation.
We smelled smoke
in the neighbors' yard
CAROL: Right. The
Ditmyers' over there
So Alice was worried,
and came around back like we did.
I'm sorry I called the police, Dad.
No, Greg, you did the right thing.
Well, I just checked.
Cindy's sound asleep,
and not a sign of a sniffle.
We kept a close eye on her,
like we promised.
Oh, hey, if you hurry,
you'll still have time to catch the show.
Exactly what I was thinking.
Shall we, honey? Great idea.
Oh, good-bye, kids.
BOTH: Good-bye.
We won't be late.
And don't worry. We have
everything under control.
The stove is turned off,
and we know where
all the phone numbers are.
We want you to have a good time. Relax.
You forgot to
chain the door.