The Change (2023) s02e02 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 2
1
MUSIC: 'Place To Be'
by Nick Drake
When I was young
Younger than before
I never saw the truth
Hanging from the door
And now I'm older
I see it face to face
And now I'm older
Gotta get up, clean the place ♪
JOY: Lots of messages coming in
on today's hot topic
Linda's Ledgers.
Her list of every, single chore
she's done
and how long it took her
that came up at yesterday's trial.
What did it make you feel?
Did it make you think about
who does what in your home?
Are you someone who's angry about
all the time you've spent
doing it all?
Or
are you somebody who enjoys it?
Is the distribution
of household labour
a bone of contention in your home?
Does the government
need to get involved?
Would you, the British taxpayer,
be happy to pay domestic benefits
to the person doing it all?
Or does the idea fill you with rage?
Late for your first shift.
Not a good start, Town Mouse.
Mm.
It seems our Eel Queen
continues to cause mayhem.
I've told you,
it's nothing to do with me.
Urgh! Is that really
the most humane way of killing them?
They're calling you the Mick Lynch
of dusting, Town Mouse.
Yeah. Riling the women folk
right up, you are.
Well, they wouldn't even
know about it
if you hadn't put me on trial.
No.
I refuse to be some poster girl
for some kind of
anti-housework cult.
Ah, the reluctant messiah.
Now, they're always
the best leaders, right?
Mm-hm, yeah.
Oh
Ooph!
Hot flush?
Yes. It's the stress.
Ain't not got your menopause magnet
down your pants today, then, no?
No.
I can't wear it in here,
because of all the pots and pans
and knives.
SHE CHORTLES
Hm, hey.
Oh
WOMAN ON RADIO:
In fact, I've had enough.
Anyway, so I said to our John that
either I start getting paid
for doing everything,
or I ain't doing it no more.
And he says we're a team,
and that his job is fitting windows,
and that my job is doing
all the house and kid stuff.
Which made my blood boil
because I'm a barrister
and earn much more than him.
So I says to him, "Why don't you
add up how much it would cost you
"to pay all these
different professionals
"to do all the bollocks I do for you
and come back with a figure?"
So he comes back with a figure,
and no amount of window fitting
is gonna cover it, Joy.
So we comes to an agreement,
which is him doing his fucking bit.
And how's that working out?
Well, it isn't, is it?
Cos he cleaned the toilet, then
cleaned the cabinet mirror after
with the same cloth he used
to clean the toilet with.
So the mirror was a smeary mess
of wee and pubes.
Which I then had to clean again.
And that made me late for court,
and I got a big murder case on.
So what's the solution, Beth?
I don't fucking know, Joy.
All I know is that
I'm now writing everything down
in my own Linda's Ledger.
Well, keep us posted, Beth.
Dave is on line three.
Shoot, Dave.
You women just want us men castrated
in public, don't you?
You think that'd be a good idea.
Mm.
You can't just keep calling in
and saying that, Dave.
Give my love to Cheryl.
Kev is on line four.
Come on, Kev, don't let me down.
Divvy up household chores equally
between men and women.
The less time women spend
doing chores,
the more time they'll have
doing their proper jobs,
and that will boost the economy.
Mm! Good call, Kev.
So, are you gonna
pull your socks up?
Nah.
Right.
Give my love to Susie.
Well, that's it for today.
Until tomorrow
je suis Linda.
DOOR BELL DINGS
We're women, Linda.
This is what we do.
It's what we've always done.
What makes you so bloody special?
Nothing, that's what.
So stop whingeing and moaning
about being a woman and come home.
MUSIC PLAYS
Goooooooood
morning, Forest of Dean!
News just in.
The new road and development
has been halted indefinitely
due to a lack of funds.
That is a travesty!
An absolute travesty!
My starlings lost their home.
They've got nothing.
Nothing!
Not only have I lost
my beloved tree,
I've also lost
my most prized possession.
SHE TURNS THE RADIO OFF
Father Watkins' bible
Malleus Maleficarum.
Whoever you are
you have until midday tomorrow
to return it.
His daughters rejected it,
mocked his nightly readings,
and then began
their witches' supper.
Shame on them!
Which brings me round
to today's subject
ungrateful women.
First, they hijack our Eel Festival.
Now, they want a medal
for doing the bloody ironing!
Our boys on the frontline
do their own ironing
and then kill people.
Do they get a medal for it?
I mean, yeah, they do.
But not for the ironing.
That's my point.
Makes one wonder,
doesn't it, gentlemen?
The recent eel endangerment
hot on the heels
of the womanised Eel Festival
and Linda's Ledgers.
I also hear that two of
the Mother Tree's tree fellers
haven't been able
to achieve an erection since.
Coincidence? Or a curse?
All this
recent phallic-themed
endangerment
has given me the willies.
So, lock up your cucumbers
and your stinkhorns
before they droop, too.
Back after this.
MUSIC PLAYS
I'm, er
I'm going to Turkey tomorrow.
Package holiday with the kids?
No.
Turkish hair transplant.
Turkey hair?
Don't they have feathers?
Turkish.
Turkish hair.
What is Turkish hair again?
Oh, I've heard of a Turkish bath.
Turkish Delight.
Is it like regular hair, but with
a light dusting of icing sugar?
Lads, lads, lads,
it's where I'm going to get it done.
Turkey's the, er,
cosmetic surgery mecca.
You know, bums, boobs, faces, teeth,
hair transplants.
Penis enlargements.
Hm.
Just the hair, is it, Steve?
That's right.
The rest of me is unimprovable.
How's Lin's treatment going, Steve?
What treatment?
Her cancer treatment.
She hasn't got cancer, Jerry.
You said she had cancer.
Jerry, for fuck's sake, man,
have you thought all this time
Lin had cancer?
He made it all up because
he felt humiliated by her leaving.
Come on, Jer.
So she hasn't got cancer?
But me and the kids
ran a half-marathon for her.
Squeezed water out of cloth,
30 seconds.
Pig Man's cloth
brings all the girls to the yard.
I love housework.
I used to do everything.
And would your ex-wife agree?
Oh, a hundred percent.
She did fuck all.
Oh, well done, you.
I'm just saying I did my bit.
Oh!
I've really annoyed myself thinking
more of you for doing the housework.
And I wouldn't have thought that
if you were a woman.
We make such a fuss of guys
for doing, like, the bare minimum.
"Dave's such an incredible father,
he did the school run last week."
"Bob did the kids' tea
last Thursday.
"Used every pot in the house, and
didn't wash up, but he did the tea.
"Love Bob, he's such a ledge."
"Oh, did you hear
Adam changed Tilly's nappy?
"Give him the Nobel Prize!"
Special recipe, just for you.
Oooh.
Rose coffee
Well, it's not that bad, is it?
You said you loved
the smell of roses.
No, I do, I do.
Thank you.
My mum had this
She wore this rose talc.
And, er, it would always
be all over the bathroom floor.
Do you ever feel like
you're just pretending?
How do you mean?
To be happy.
Being here is, like, the first time,
I think, in my whole life
I've ever felt like
I belonged somewhere.
SHE SCOFFS
Every family photo,
I looked like just some random kid
that had just wandered into shot.
But it's not just the people, though.
It's the place.
I feel really rooted here.
Follow the mushrooms, Linda.
The mushrooms?
They're what led me here,
I'm sure of it.
CHATTER
Oh!
Can we have a word
about Linda's Ledgers,
please, Linda?
How long have you been there for?
It's just does
WHISPERS: ..does sex
go in the chore ledger, Linda?
Sorry, does what
go in the chore ledger?
WHISPERS: Sex.
And not just the main act, neither.
What about the hand jobs,
and the mouth jobs,
and the bum jobs?
Mm.
I can't answer that for you, Judith.
Only you can answer that.
Did you put all your hand jobs,
and mouth jobs, and bum jobs
in your Linda's Ledger, Linda?
I don't
I don't talk about my private life.
I don't know
what the chore ledger rules are.
Just if it felt like a chore,
then I put it in.
Thank you.
Ah
Thank you, Linda.
I shall amend my
Janet's Linda's Ledger accordingly.
No, it's
And I'll pass that on to the others.
It's not Janet's Linda's Ledger,
it's just
And I shall amend my
Judith's Linda's Ledger, too.
No, it's just Judith's Ledger.
It's not Judith's Linda's Ledger.
See? I told you.
If it feels like a chore,
then it goes in.
That's the rule.
If it feels
like a chore
like a chore
then it goes in.
then it goes in.
That's the rule.
That's the rule.
Thank you, Linda.
Thank you, Linda.
We'll see the girls immediately.
We'll see the girls.
Oh, there aren't any rules.
That's not what I was saying.
Can I backdate
my Sarah's Linda's Ledger, Linda?
Is smiling at him a chore, Linda?
Do I put that down
in my June's Linda's Ledger?
How do we start
taking the time back, Linda?
Do we put double time down
if we do two chores at once,
or put them in separately, Linda?
I often multi-task, like most women,
a hand job whilst ironing,
dusting and stripping
I don't know!
Does enthusiastically listening
to him
talking about himself all the time
go in, Linda?
What does our sign say, Linda?
"Serving eels and mash to men"?
Yeah, exactly.
Men come here
to get away from their women.
It's not where wives come to get
hand job and housework advice.
Get rid of them Linda,
or we'll get rid of you.
Sorry, is that supposed to be
the eel speaking,
cos I can see your lips move.
Get rid!
It's not my fault!
I don't know why they're here!
Is listening to his work stories
over and over a chore?
What about laughing at their jokes?
How much shall we charge for that,
Linda?
And Judith told us that hand jobs,
mouth jobs, and bum jobs
are all charged differently.
Sort it, Linda!
Yeah, Linda.
It's your final warning.
Move! Move! Move! Move!
THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
I don't know!
I don't know!
BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS
QUESTIONS CONTINUE
Women, please, go home!
Leave me out of your bum jobs!
WOMEN SHOUT QUESTIONS
TABLETS RATTLE
CALL ALERT TUNE PLAYS
Oh, hello, Martin.
Well, your mum's not dead yet,
if that's why you're ringing.
But you never wanted kids.
ROWDY CHATTER
Oh
Eczema?
Lice.
Oh, God!
Get some shampoo.
No, I like the company.
Eh?
No, it's a lonely old world
out there, Linda.
Sorry?
You're actively hosting lice
to make you feel less alone?
Yeah, well, they remind me
that I've got feelings.
Itchiness isn't a feeling.
It's a symptom, Tony,
of having your blood sucked.
Well, it's more than
a lot of men my age are getting.
HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
Some of these poor bastards
round here
ain't even getting sucked by lice.
Scratching isn't a substitute
for intimacy.
Well, then, you're obviously
not doing it properly.
Tone
come on.
I've got friends
in co-dependent relationships.
But this?
They're literally feeding off you,
Tony.
You're their literal life source.
Yeah, nice to be needed, isn't it?
We all need a purpose in life,
Linda.
Oh!
CAR DRAWS UP
ENGINE STOPS
CAR DOOR OPENS
CAR DOOR CLOSES
DOOR BURSTS OPEN
Aarrgghh!
Siobhain, what the fu?
You've come in the Corsa!
Why are you wearing
Steve's leathers?
I'm taking some time back
for myself, Linda.
Where's the toilet?
I'm not shitting in a bush.
Not with my guts.
Oh, fu!
Oh, Sally, my dear
It's you I'd be kissing
She smiled and replied
"You don't know what you're missing"
Oh, Sally, my dear
I wish I could wed you
Oh, Sally, my dear
I wish I could bed you ♪
MUSIC: 'Place To Be'
by Nick Drake
When I was young
Younger than before
I never saw the truth
Hanging from the door
And now I'm older
I see it face to face
And now I'm older
Gotta get up, clean the place ♪
JOY: Lots of messages coming in
on today's hot topic
Linda's Ledgers.
Her list of every, single chore
she's done
and how long it took her
that came up at yesterday's trial.
What did it make you feel?
Did it make you think about
who does what in your home?
Are you someone who's angry about
all the time you've spent
doing it all?
Or
are you somebody who enjoys it?
Is the distribution
of household labour
a bone of contention in your home?
Does the government
need to get involved?
Would you, the British taxpayer,
be happy to pay domestic benefits
to the person doing it all?
Or does the idea fill you with rage?
Late for your first shift.
Not a good start, Town Mouse.
Mm.
It seems our Eel Queen
continues to cause mayhem.
I've told you,
it's nothing to do with me.
Urgh! Is that really
the most humane way of killing them?
They're calling you the Mick Lynch
of dusting, Town Mouse.
Yeah. Riling the women folk
right up, you are.
Well, they wouldn't even
know about it
if you hadn't put me on trial.
No.
I refuse to be some poster girl
for some kind of
anti-housework cult.
Ah, the reluctant messiah.
Now, they're always
the best leaders, right?
Mm-hm, yeah.
Oh
Ooph!
Hot flush?
Yes. It's the stress.
Ain't not got your menopause magnet
down your pants today, then, no?
No.
I can't wear it in here,
because of all the pots and pans
and knives.
SHE CHORTLES
Hm, hey.
Oh
WOMAN ON RADIO:
In fact, I've had enough.
Anyway, so I said to our John that
either I start getting paid
for doing everything,
or I ain't doing it no more.
And he says we're a team,
and that his job is fitting windows,
and that my job is doing
all the house and kid stuff.
Which made my blood boil
because I'm a barrister
and earn much more than him.
So I says to him, "Why don't you
add up how much it would cost you
"to pay all these
different professionals
"to do all the bollocks I do for you
and come back with a figure?"
So he comes back with a figure,
and no amount of window fitting
is gonna cover it, Joy.
So we comes to an agreement,
which is him doing his fucking bit.
And how's that working out?
Well, it isn't, is it?
Cos he cleaned the toilet, then
cleaned the cabinet mirror after
with the same cloth he used
to clean the toilet with.
So the mirror was a smeary mess
of wee and pubes.
Which I then had to clean again.
And that made me late for court,
and I got a big murder case on.
So what's the solution, Beth?
I don't fucking know, Joy.
All I know is that
I'm now writing everything down
in my own Linda's Ledger.
Well, keep us posted, Beth.
Dave is on line three.
Shoot, Dave.
You women just want us men castrated
in public, don't you?
You think that'd be a good idea.
Mm.
You can't just keep calling in
and saying that, Dave.
Give my love to Cheryl.
Kev is on line four.
Come on, Kev, don't let me down.
Divvy up household chores equally
between men and women.
The less time women spend
doing chores,
the more time they'll have
doing their proper jobs,
and that will boost the economy.
Mm! Good call, Kev.
So, are you gonna
pull your socks up?
Nah.
Right.
Give my love to Susie.
Well, that's it for today.
Until tomorrow
je suis Linda.
DOOR BELL DINGS
We're women, Linda.
This is what we do.
It's what we've always done.
What makes you so bloody special?
Nothing, that's what.
So stop whingeing and moaning
about being a woman and come home.
MUSIC PLAYS
Goooooooood
morning, Forest of Dean!
News just in.
The new road and development
has been halted indefinitely
due to a lack of funds.
That is a travesty!
An absolute travesty!
My starlings lost their home.
They've got nothing.
Nothing!
Not only have I lost
my beloved tree,
I've also lost
my most prized possession.
SHE TURNS THE RADIO OFF
Father Watkins' bible
Malleus Maleficarum.
Whoever you are
you have until midday tomorrow
to return it.
His daughters rejected it,
mocked his nightly readings,
and then began
their witches' supper.
Shame on them!
Which brings me round
to today's subject
ungrateful women.
First, they hijack our Eel Festival.
Now, they want a medal
for doing the bloody ironing!
Our boys on the frontline
do their own ironing
and then kill people.
Do they get a medal for it?
I mean, yeah, they do.
But not for the ironing.
That's my point.
Makes one wonder,
doesn't it, gentlemen?
The recent eel endangerment
hot on the heels
of the womanised Eel Festival
and Linda's Ledgers.
I also hear that two of
the Mother Tree's tree fellers
haven't been able
to achieve an erection since.
Coincidence? Or a curse?
All this
recent phallic-themed
endangerment
has given me the willies.
So, lock up your cucumbers
and your stinkhorns
before they droop, too.
Back after this.
MUSIC PLAYS
I'm, er
I'm going to Turkey tomorrow.
Package holiday with the kids?
No.
Turkish hair transplant.
Turkey hair?
Don't they have feathers?
Turkish.
Turkish hair.
What is Turkish hair again?
Oh, I've heard of a Turkish bath.
Turkish Delight.
Is it like regular hair, but with
a light dusting of icing sugar?
Lads, lads, lads,
it's where I'm going to get it done.
Turkey's the, er,
cosmetic surgery mecca.
You know, bums, boobs, faces, teeth,
hair transplants.
Penis enlargements.
Hm.
Just the hair, is it, Steve?
That's right.
The rest of me is unimprovable.
How's Lin's treatment going, Steve?
What treatment?
Her cancer treatment.
She hasn't got cancer, Jerry.
You said she had cancer.
Jerry, for fuck's sake, man,
have you thought all this time
Lin had cancer?
He made it all up because
he felt humiliated by her leaving.
Come on, Jer.
So she hasn't got cancer?
But me and the kids
ran a half-marathon for her.
Squeezed water out of cloth,
30 seconds.
Pig Man's cloth
brings all the girls to the yard.
I love housework.
I used to do everything.
And would your ex-wife agree?
Oh, a hundred percent.
She did fuck all.
Oh, well done, you.
I'm just saying I did my bit.
Oh!
I've really annoyed myself thinking
more of you for doing the housework.
And I wouldn't have thought that
if you were a woman.
We make such a fuss of guys
for doing, like, the bare minimum.
"Dave's such an incredible father,
he did the school run last week."
"Bob did the kids' tea
last Thursday.
"Used every pot in the house, and
didn't wash up, but he did the tea.
"Love Bob, he's such a ledge."
"Oh, did you hear
Adam changed Tilly's nappy?
"Give him the Nobel Prize!"
Special recipe, just for you.
Oooh.
Rose coffee
Well, it's not that bad, is it?
You said you loved
the smell of roses.
No, I do, I do.
Thank you.
My mum had this
She wore this rose talc.
And, er, it would always
be all over the bathroom floor.
Do you ever feel like
you're just pretending?
How do you mean?
To be happy.
Being here is, like, the first time,
I think, in my whole life
I've ever felt like
I belonged somewhere.
SHE SCOFFS
Every family photo,
I looked like just some random kid
that had just wandered into shot.
But it's not just the people, though.
It's the place.
I feel really rooted here.
Follow the mushrooms, Linda.
The mushrooms?
They're what led me here,
I'm sure of it.
CHATTER
Oh!
Can we have a word
about Linda's Ledgers,
please, Linda?
How long have you been there for?
It's just does
WHISPERS: ..does sex
go in the chore ledger, Linda?
Sorry, does what
go in the chore ledger?
WHISPERS: Sex.
And not just the main act, neither.
What about the hand jobs,
and the mouth jobs,
and the bum jobs?
Mm.
I can't answer that for you, Judith.
Only you can answer that.
Did you put all your hand jobs,
and mouth jobs, and bum jobs
in your Linda's Ledger, Linda?
I don't
I don't talk about my private life.
I don't know
what the chore ledger rules are.
Just if it felt like a chore,
then I put it in.
Thank you.
Ah
Thank you, Linda.
I shall amend my
Janet's Linda's Ledger accordingly.
No, it's
And I'll pass that on to the others.
It's not Janet's Linda's Ledger,
it's just
And I shall amend my
Judith's Linda's Ledger, too.
No, it's just Judith's Ledger.
It's not Judith's Linda's Ledger.
See? I told you.
If it feels like a chore,
then it goes in.
That's the rule.
If it feels
like a chore
like a chore
then it goes in.
then it goes in.
That's the rule.
That's the rule.
Thank you, Linda.
Thank you, Linda.
We'll see the girls immediately.
We'll see the girls.
Oh, there aren't any rules.
That's not what I was saying.
Can I backdate
my Sarah's Linda's Ledger, Linda?
Is smiling at him a chore, Linda?
Do I put that down
in my June's Linda's Ledger?
How do we start
taking the time back, Linda?
Do we put double time down
if we do two chores at once,
or put them in separately, Linda?
I often multi-task, like most women,
a hand job whilst ironing,
dusting and stripping
I don't know!
Does enthusiastically listening
to him
talking about himself all the time
go in, Linda?
What does our sign say, Linda?
"Serving eels and mash to men"?
Yeah, exactly.
Men come here
to get away from their women.
It's not where wives come to get
hand job and housework advice.
Get rid of them Linda,
or we'll get rid of you.
Sorry, is that supposed to be
the eel speaking,
cos I can see your lips move.
Get rid!
It's not my fault!
I don't know why they're here!
Is listening to his work stories
over and over a chore?
What about laughing at their jokes?
How much shall we charge for that,
Linda?
And Judith told us that hand jobs,
mouth jobs, and bum jobs
are all charged differently.
Sort it, Linda!
Yeah, Linda.
It's your final warning.
Move! Move! Move! Move!
THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
I don't know!
I don't know!
BARRAGE OF QUESTIONS
QUESTIONS CONTINUE
Women, please, go home!
Leave me out of your bum jobs!
WOMEN SHOUT QUESTIONS
TABLETS RATTLE
CALL ALERT TUNE PLAYS
Oh, hello, Martin.
Well, your mum's not dead yet,
if that's why you're ringing.
But you never wanted kids.
ROWDY CHATTER
Oh
Eczema?
Lice.
Oh, God!
Get some shampoo.
No, I like the company.
Eh?
No, it's a lonely old world
out there, Linda.
Sorry?
You're actively hosting lice
to make you feel less alone?
Yeah, well, they remind me
that I've got feelings.
Itchiness isn't a feeling.
It's a symptom, Tony,
of having your blood sucked.
Well, it's more than
a lot of men my age are getting.
HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
Some of these poor bastards
round here
ain't even getting sucked by lice.
Scratching isn't a substitute
for intimacy.
Well, then, you're obviously
not doing it properly.
Tone
come on.
I've got friends
in co-dependent relationships.
But this?
They're literally feeding off you,
Tony.
You're their literal life source.
Yeah, nice to be needed, isn't it?
We all need a purpose in life,
Linda.
Oh!
CAR DRAWS UP
ENGINE STOPS
CAR DOOR OPENS
CAR DOOR CLOSES
DOOR BURSTS OPEN
Aarrgghh!
Siobhain, what the fu?
You've come in the Corsa!
Why are you wearing
Steve's leathers?
I'm taking some time back
for myself, Linda.
Where's the toilet?
I'm not shitting in a bush.
Not with my guts.
Oh, fu!
Oh, Sally, my dear
It's you I'd be kissing
She smiled and replied
"You don't know what you're missing"
Oh, Sally, my dear
I wish I could wed you
Oh, Sally, my dear
I wish I could bed you ♪