The Cleaner (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

1
All right?
You the cleaner?
No, I'm Bill Clinton.
All right. I've been told to wait
for the cleaner.
I am the cleaner.
I needed a hobby after the scandal.
Where do I go?
Lovely.
Mind your head.
Oh, right.
Quite a mess, isn't it?
Welcome, I am Mr Abahassine.
Hello. What the hell happened?
Rather a large and out-of-control
crowd fight, I fear.
A crowd fight? At a play?
What was the play? Was it
..Rocky? Was that a play first?
Do you know, I've just realised
I don't know the name of one play?
Would that it was a play that they
were watching, dear fellow.
Strippers?
Well, what are strippers doing
at the theatre?
One does what one must in order to
ensure the survival of the theatre.
Selina!
Selina, run and turn on
the espresso machine.
Our friend here must be parched.
The wha?
The hissy, steamy machine that you
burnt your finger on yesterday!
Kills.
Hard to find the staff out here
in the sticks.
Yes. I'm not one to judge, but she
does seem to be
..a miserable shit.
I don't think she's yet developed
her passion for the theatre,
or for anything else at all.
We cannot know what our place is
in this great tapestry of life.
So true. When I was her age, I
..I thought I'd be a kung fu master.
We all find our place eventually.
Yeah, fine. But for the record, I
still intend to be a kung fu master.
Do what you
can being who you are,
shine like a glow-worm
if you can't be a star.
Ah. Well, I like that!
Oh, yeah. That'll give me
inspiration to clean up
What did you say happened here,
a fight?
I think the Donkey Boyz brought up
the temperature too soon.
Ten minutes in,
we had a 40-woman brawl.
Well, the theatre is probably the
wrong place to announce this, but
..that rather turns me on.
I'll leave you to it. Yes.
Ladies' Night
by Kool & The Gang
# Mmm, oh, yeah
# Oh, what a night
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
# And the feeling's right
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
# Oh, what a night
Oh, what a night
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
# And the feeling's right
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
# Oh, what a night
# On disco lights
Your name will be seen
# You can fulfil all your dreams
# Party here, party there
Everywhere
# Come on, let's all celebrate
# La-La-Lady, lady, I love you #
What! Oh, come on!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey!
Jesus Christ!
MAN: Bravo! Encore!
Hello?
The perfect fall.
What a gift. Who are you?
Who am I?
I am
..Strazzamo.
Who?
Oh, I'm performing here tonight.
But listen, what time are you on?
I'd love to see the whole show.
What? Help me!
I'm trapped under a donkey dick.
The timing was perfection.
The sound of impact went through me.
The landing, almost grotesque.
I thought you had genuinely
hurt yourself.
I HAVE genuinely hurt myself!
It wasn't a deliberate fall?
OK, I'm going to say it again.
I've genuinely hurt myself
and I'm stuck under a dick.
But your costume and look is iconic.
It's not a costume. I'm not a clown!
Who are you? I'm here to clean.
I presume you'd like me to clean,
or would you prefer your audience
to be sitting in hen-party juice.
And by juice, I mean blood.
And piss!
You're just a cleaner?
I am a crime scene cleaner.
What a waste of such natural
attributes.
Freakishly tall.
Hilariously fat.
You poke me again, you won't need
that red nose.
Actually, the, er
..nose is more of a symbol.
It's sort of an implicit contract
between me and the audience
I'm threatening you!
Oh, that's really good.
Gave me chills.
Really scary.
Where do you want this?
Is that an espresso?
Delightful. Could I, erm
Could I have one, too,
but could you make sure it's the
Kenyan bean
as opposed to the Italian?
Now, this is a SOC SOCO suit.
Yeah, Scene Of Crime.
It's wonderful.
I can really do something with it.
Something
..Soviet era.
Strazzamo takes on the extinction
of humanity
against the backdrop of the Cold War
with Soviet Russia.
Hey! Hey, that reminds me of that
joke. Do you remember that?
What do you call a Russian
with three balls?
What? A Russian with three balls,
what do you call him?
I don't know and I'm not sure
I want to know. You do!
Whodyanickya Bollockov.
You can use that in your show. What?
Who d'you nick
your bollock off?
No, I heard you the first time.
Thank you.
He says you can have this one
for free
but you'll have to pay for
the others. Bless you.
Yeah, just like my jokes.
Hey, you'll like this.
Huh?! What do you call a Russian
with three balls?
She won't know it, she's too young.
Yes, she will, it's famous.
In the playground in 1985.
Whodyanickya Bollockov. Ha?
Wha? Nonsense. Tough crowd.
No.
Pink poodle! So original.
Howdy, partner?
What part of the show's this?
It isn't. Oh.
This?
Oh! These are the Donkey Boyz'
props, aren't they?
Clearly. Oh. Could you have
a sexy clown?
Might be a whole new market
for you. Huh!
I tend to steer away from
lowest common denominator stuff.
Clearly.
How do you even become a clown?
I got the calling late in life.
Did the circus come to town?
They can be very seductive.
My cousin got up the duff from
one of those "smoky-eyed boys"
who tend the horses. Her words.
I think his name was Raoul.
We'd hired a clown for our son's
second birthday
and last minute he called in sick.
I just knew I couldn't let those
kids down.
What did he say was wrong with him?
I think he said he had arthritis.
Oh, yeah.
Because arthritis famously comes on
overnight, doesn't it?
He was hungover.
You hired a pissed clown. Carry on.
I found some balloons
..and some of my wife's make-up,
and
..I don't know
what happened then.
I just started to perform and it
just seemed to come out of me.
Flow from somewhere.
I just became
..the clown.
And the children laughed.
They laughed and laughed.
I was a triumph.
Right.
Because toddlers are famously
hard to make laugh, aren't they?
My nephew laughs at the word
"pancake."
He literally pisses himself.
The boy's a moron.
Actually, wewe do think there's
something wrong with him.
I knew there and then that I had
stumbled upon my destiny.
I resigned the next day.
From what? Reality?
I was a corporate financial adviser.
Just about to be made partner,
actually.
You're not joking, are you?
Within a month, I'd used my savings
to invest in the
Marcel Marceau School Of Mime
in Paris.
In France? Paris, yes.
And what about you? How did you
become a crime scene cleaner?
Oh. My mate said
there was a job going.
Cleaning, but for crime scenes,
and
..I applied, and II got it.
Mm. And you love it?
I better get on.
And you're married, yeah? Yes.
Yeah, we have a son.
And you can support everyone
doing this, yeah?
Well, Tara had to get a part-time
job when I started, but..
..she supports my dreams.
I see.
Did you learn that in Paris?
What's that supposed to mean?
No need to be defensive, mate.
I was just wondering if blowing up
the big balloon
was part of the training?
Well, was
..getting a cleaning cloth out of
a bag part of your training?
Yeah? I developed this act myself.
I learnt the discipline in Paris.
The art
..is all mine. Ah, right.
And did they teach you how to run
in those big, long clown shoes? No!
Paris was a mime course. Are
Are you actually interested?
I really am.
Well
On one day of the course,
I mean, for the whole day,
we just
..picked a single imaginary
..daisy.
And you know what?
After the fourth hour,
I swear I could see that flower
caught in the dying summer light.
How much did Marcel charge you
for that?
Always about money!
Why don't you say what you mean?
You clearly have a problem with
what I do.
No, I'm just saying, it sounds like
a boring day.
Nowhere near as fascinating as
mopping up some stains, I'm sure.
I don't use a mop. This is not
a mop. It looks like a mop,
it's not a mop. It's a specialist
piece of equipment,
and I'll tell you
He says we have to evacuate.
Or whatever.
Where did you lose your massive
clown shoes? In a fire?
For the second time, I don't have
any massive shoes.
What, how come? How are you going to
do that funny walk that clowns do?
Whatever you think a clown is,
I'm not that.
Well, you've got one of those cars
that fall apart. Hoo-ha!
A clown's a clown, mate. A clown
is most certainly NOT a clown.
Clowns are shit.
Sharper than she looks.
I do apologise.
The alarm is rather outdated
and has to be remotely reset
by the fire department.
Good news, however.
Chef has arrived
if anyone would enjoy lunch.
Lovely. Good.
Come on.
Hungry?
How does it pay. Hmm?
Crime scene cleaning.
Ah, it's all right.
All bought and paid for.
You're a sole trader, right?
What? You work for a company
or yourself?
Oh, for a company. Lausen.
No, you should go self-employed.
Start a limited company and let
them contract you as a freelancer.
Beneficial tax and VAT outcomes.
Now, that's useful.
I want to be extraordinary, Wicky.
Er, I presume mine is comped. Huh?!
Because I'm performing.
He said you'd say that.
And he says it's not free.
"Tell the clown it's not free."
No problem, no problem. I'll, er,
pay you from receipts
after the show. Er, how many have
I sold?
So far, four tickets.
Four?! Four.
I'll get it.
Well, that's very kind.
How often are you playing
to four people?
More often than not. And you don't
think sometimes,
"Oh, I'll just go back to my really
well-paid job
"where I advise people how to
avoid tax"?
Never. Success is about touching
people,
regardless of the number.
Yeah, I've touched loads of people.
Well, about 12.
So, what happens if no-one
turns up? I'd still perform.
Wouldn't you find that massively
depressing?
I could've stayed in finance.
Been just another suit.
Now my colleagues are Grimaldi,
Marceau, Chaplin,
Keaton. Yeah.
And my auntie potters around
the garden,
so she's best mates with Monty Don.
Actually, she does think that.
We should probably get her best
checked.
Let me show you my act.
Oh, no, you're all right.
It could be payback for the lunch.
Please, I want you to understand
my passion. Please.
Yes!
Ah. So, this backdrop, you need to
imagine it's something abstract.
Something playful yet intense.
You know, welcoming yet horrifying.
So not the Donkey Boyz.
No, not Donkey Boyz.
Milk me, milk me, milk me, milk me,
milk me.
Ha-ha! That bit wasn't funny!
There.
Wow.
Just wow? Just wow.
So? No notes?
SoI'd better get on.
Well done, though. Very energetic.
I mean, when you were blowing that
big balloon up,
I thought you were going to give
yourself a prolapse.
Sogood.
Right, this place isn't going to
sterilise itself.
W-W-What did you think? Look.
Seriously, I don't think I should be
the person to Please, Wicky.
I want your opinion.
Honest, unvarnished opinion
from thecommon man.
Shit.
Sorry, what?
I thought your act was shit.
I-I-I think maybe you didn't
understand some of the imagery.
No, I did. I understood all of it.
I thought it was all shit.
I'm sorry, mate.
I'm probably not the person to ask,
but I found Strazzamo
..annoying.
But the pathos? Mate, a clown
is supposed to be funny.
Says who? Says everyone!
Good God, man.
You're about as funny as
Brian Coyle. Who?
He's a bloke who drinks down my pub
and he is NOT funny.
You justyou just sat there
with this expectation.
"Come on!
Entertain me, make me laugh."
Yeah. Well, that's what you're
supposed to do. That's your job.
Yes, but you have to bring
a certain willingness.
Christ! If I have to bring my own
funny to a clown show,
I may as well go home and
tickle myself.
And I don't mean a special tickle.
Oh. Not all comedy is measured
in decibels.
Sometimes a smile is more valuable
than a laugh.
Yeah. Because when I've seen
a good comedy,
I always say,
"Oh, I smiled my head off."
Wouldn't expect a cleaner to
recognise poetry when he sees it.
Oh, yeah!
Poetry, my sweet, sweet ass!
Don't do this, mate.
Don't make me add, "Beat the shit
out of a clown" to my CV.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey!
You philistine!
You've never tried to achieve
anything!
You're just happy to get paid
and get drunk.
Another one of the zombie army!
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not everyone has to have a dream,
have you ever considered that?
What? Of course they do.
We can't all be clowns
oror firemen.
Some people don't have the
inclination.
Some people are happy to be,
don't need a fantasy.
And if you look closely,
you might find those people
are happier than you!
Oh, dear. Oh, dear me.
You want to get that alarm sorted,
mate. And that bloody doorframe.
Behold!
My God. Selina is still in there!
And the clown.
Zut alors!
Show time.
I've inhaled too much smoke.
You're going to be fine.
Not this time.
Tell my family I'm sorry.
For everything. No!
Stay with me.
I just need time to think.
Hello, there.
Perhaps I can help.
You're going to be fine.
Get that blaze under control.
You're a fireman, aren't you?
Please! Can you help?
Roger that, Control.
I could buzz the fire with my jet
and hope it blows it out.
Oh, boy. I could put explosives
around the worst-hit part of
the building.
Blow the fire out, literally.
Guys, we just need a hose.
We can use elephant!
Elephant?
Hang on.
I told you.
What? Everyone has a dream.
'Mind your head, Wicky.'
What are you
..talking about?
I said, "mind your head".
You hit it on the doorframe again.
That was worse than a cheese dream.
We all have a dream.
Some of us are just trying to
make ours a reality.
Don't lie to yourself, Wicky.
If all of my dreams became
a reality,
things would get pretty weird,
trust me.
And anyway, you're the one who's
kidding yourself.
You can't even afford your own
lunch.
You just can't face the fact that
your act might not be any good.
That's what's going on here.
All right?
You're right.
Don't listen to me,
I'm a miserable git.
Ten tickets.
If I don't sell ten tonight,
I'm going to jack it in.
Go back to finance.
No, you should
Don't give it up because of what
I said.
My mind's made up.
How many have you sold now?
Nine.
Anyway
..good to meet you, Mr Cleaner.
Yeah.
All right?
How much are tickets?
£15. £15, for that?!
Go on, give me one.
It's a hard line to walk, isn't it?
Knowing whether one should
fan the flames
of a dream that can never be
realised.
You don't think I should buy
a ticket, do you?
"Do what you can being who you are"?
Shine like a glow-worm if you can't
be a star,
work like a pulley if you can't be
a crane,
grease the wheels fully
if you can't drive the train.
I mean, it sort of repeats itself,
but
..I take your point.
Selina
..you're fired.
Thank you.
You know, you shouldn't smoke.
You've got to die of something, son.
What are you supposed to be?
An astronaut, silly.
Oh, yeah? Is that what you want
to be when you grow up?
Yeah. Or Optimus Prime.
Cool.
Joe!
Come on, I haven't got the tickets
yet. We're late.
What are you supposed to be? Me?
I'm just a glow-worm, kid.
Oh, you're the cleaner?
Crime scene Crime scene cleaner.
Oh, yeah.
He said it was a mess in there.
You did an amazing job.
Sorry, who said that? My husband.
Strazzamo the clown.
Better get in, don't want to miss
the big balloon being inflated.
Mum! Hurry up, stop talking to
that weird, old man.
Fisherman's Blues
by The Waterboys
# Woo!
# I wish I was a fisherman
# Tumbling on the seas
# Far away from dry land
# And its bitter memories
# Casting out my sweet line
# With abandonment and love
# No ceiling bearing down on me
# Save the starry sky above
# With light in my head
# With you in my arms#