The Other One (2017) s02e02 Episode Script

1
Callum, it's me. I'm just leaving
this on your Insta, because I'm not
sure you're getting my WhatsApps
and I think you've accidentally
blocked me on Snapchat.
Um, but, yeah, just give us a call,
it's your big sister, Cat,
you know, the one that you
didn't snog.
All right, bye. Bye.
Why are you dry cleaning a vest?
It's a camisole.
I want to look smart A F when
I go back to work tomorrow.
I want my boss Jennifer
to know that this gal
is hopin' for a promo-tin'.
I just feel like I'm owed some
good karma,
cos my dad's dead,
and I may have snogged my brother.
Oh, God, I snogged my brother.
Cath, come on.
Don't beat yourself up.
I once got with this lad who looked
so much like me,
it was actually really weird,
but oh, my God, he was dead fit.
So much to unpack.
No, what I'm saying is, babe,
is that there might be more
of us out there, you know.
That's maybe where Dad's
money went.
Oh, God, it's too much for my tired
old brain.
Do you know what you need? Lunch.
Mm.
Order a Deliveroo.
I'll get it sent to me and then I'll
go and pick it up for you.
It seems like a lot of effort for a
baguette that is literally there.
No, I need to boost my
ratings, babe.
I'm on my last, final, ultimate
warning at work,
and I'm this close
to being locked out of the app.
OK.
Right. Posh cheddar.
Do you want anything?
Yeah. I'll have a Jam-bon beurre
Uh-huh.
..packet of crisps,
a chocolate chunk cookie,
a lemon cheese cake pot,
a Swedish meatball wrap,
a Love Bar, a vitamin volcano.
Oh, and one of those Very
Berry Croissants.
OK, orderdone.
MOBILE PHONE TONE
Oh, wicked.
SHE SIGHS
God, I wish I was on holiday.
Ooh.
Oh.
There you go.
Oh!
Mm.
Five stars, yeah? And a tip.
# Ho, ho, ho, it's magic
# You know
# Never believe it's not so #
Mm.
Mm. Right.
I know your husband's thrown you
out, but when are you leaving?
Because so far,
you've drunk all my wine,
you've smoked all my fags,
and you are now sucking yoghurt off
my favourite top.
When I get my replacement Gold
Amex tomorrow.
OK, so you've got one more night of
me
and then I will hole myself up at
a luxury spa.
You can't hole yourself up at
a luxury spa.
You hole yourself up in a hole.
It is urgent
because without his pension,
my mum doesn't have an income,
so, his name was Colin Walcott.
So, yeah, could you give me
a ring back please, thank you.
Hi, Angela.
Don't take it personal.
She's a bit of a mood hoover.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I ruining the party?
Am I killing the vibe?
Well, do you want me to dance,
is that what you want?
Do you want a little dance? Yeah?
Oh.
Er, excuse me,
what's that stain on my sofa?
It's mango chutney.
PHONE TONE
Oh.
Is that Callum?
No, it's Tess.
Cathy,
are you on this WhatsApp group too?
Because have you seen
the state of her sunburn?
No, I muted it, because Marcus
kept sending
motivational Star Wars memes.
Why is he on the group chat?
Because he's an arse
licky mum-bum-chummer.
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
Hiya.
Listen, Cat,
I've just had a PT session,
and you've called me 22 times
in 45 minutes.
It's way too much.
Yeah, it's cool, babe,
unlimited texts.
Look, I just need some space.
Is that OK?
Yeah, yeah, all right.
Well, shall I just call you back in
half hour?
HE SIGHS
What do you want, Cat?
I want to get to know you, bruv.
I know it's a mind melt, but we're
family, me, you and Cath.
Look, just meet us, yeah?
Even if it is just one time.
Fine.
Pick me up tomorrow at, what, five?
I'll send you my location.
Oh, wicked. Love you, brosaphine.
KISSING NOISES
Yes.
She's fun, isn't she?
Great news. We're meeting our new
brother tomorrow.
No! No way.
No way am I returning to
the scene of the crime.
I've got to get her out of my house.
All she does is cry,
booze, and watch the business news.
It's like a poem.
If you're opening booze,
I'll have some.
Oh, my God. Oh, wow.
There's none left!
Sorry, Josef, you couldn't hurry up,
could you? I'm on the clock, babe.
HORN BEEPS
Bet you didn't expect to see
me here.
Oh, piss off, Patience.
Oi, mate.
Two large haddock
and a side of chips, chop, chop.
So, you're still working
for Deliver-poo?
I'm not a sell out like you,
working for Uber Cheats.
Tell that to my new scooter, babe.
I'm all about your high-end
establishments.
Your Wagamamas, your Asks.
I've even been known to pick up
the odd Carluccios.
I didn't know you were
back working.
Yeah, I did my six months.
Why are you saying it like you were
in prison? You was on maternity
leave.
Oh, cheers, Josef.
I see you, double bagging it.
I taught you that.
No, I taught you that.
I taught you everything,
and then you buggered off like
the disloyal knob that you are.
Sorry you weren't head-hunted like
I was.
Dickhead-hunted, more like.
You do know what everyone's saying
about you, don't you?
You've been late so many times
that you're on your last, final,
ultimate warning.
Sad face emoji.
Oi! Can you move your scooter
because you're blocking me in?
Thanks, mate.
SHE CLEARS THROA
Jennifer
I feel like I'm ready to step up,
and the world of aggregate excess
of loss products
is about as exciting as it
gets in my eyes.
SHE INHALES
Oh, she's here everyone. Oh.
Welcome back from the
honeymoon, Cathy.
Did you save us any wedding cake?
No.
Did you have a good honeymoon?
There she is, Mrs Tandel.
Oh, thank you, Jennifer.
I made you a weeny little something
as a wedding present.
Oh. Go on, open it.
Yes, so, about my wedding,
I should say
Wow!
I really think I caught your
spirit there.
See, my lodger said it looks like
you've got a birthmark,
but it's actually shadow. Hmm.
Listen, um,
would you like to grab
a coffee today,
just to, um, you know,
sort of discuss my future,
specifically the?
I'd love that.
I want to hear all about
the wedding.
I'm actually a humanist
wedding celebrant
at the weekends.
That's how much I love weddings.
Great. Can't wait
to, er, talk about my wedding then.
Oh, smashing. Ta-ra, love.
LINE RINGS
MAN: Hello.
Hello, Peter, it's me.
Look, please, we need to talk.
LINE CUTS
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
My!
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Oh, massive hole!
Oh.
I'm so sorry, so sorry. Oh.
So sorry.
Enough is enough, Angela.
You need to go home now!
Fine!
I'll go.
But you're going to have to drive
me, cos I'm very wasted.
No way! Absolutely not!
What if I give you a £3,000 sofa?
Here she is, the blushing bride.
Did you send Marcus
a pic of your tapestry?
Oh, I think you have to see it in
real life to do it justice.
Right, come on then.
Give us all the wedding goss.
What flavour wedding cake did
you have?
Just ajust a very rich fruit,
yeah.
Ooh!
You know, I officiated a wedding
this weekend,
the couple
had a cake made from wheels of
cheese.
Oh, that's lovely.
You know, I love cheese.
And, um, sort of speaking about
things that I love,
um, I was thinking about my love
of, um, aggregate excess
of loss products.
Cathy, we're having
a girlie BFF catch-up here.
Come on, let's leave work at work.
We're in the office canteen.
OK, you're right. I tell you what,
let's go for drinks this evening?
First glass of cava's on me.
Yeah, I'm, um, not really drinking
at the mo, so.
You're pregnant, aren't you?
No, I'm not.
OK. Of course you're not.
Oh, God.
I'm not.
And sort of circling back to
the promotion,
I would just love
to throw my hat into the ring.
You've just got married, Cathy.
Er, yeah
It's obvious what's coming next.
Sorry, I'm not following.
The kiddywinks.
God, you know, I'd give anything
to be in your shoes.
Sorry.
What exactly are you saying here?
I'm saying
why be the director
of Aggregate Excess of Loss
Products,
when you can have the greatest job
of them all
..being a mummy.
Right, so, um
Sorry, hypothetically,
if I was a single man,
I would get the promotion.
Oh, well,
if you were a single man, Cathy,
I think we'd be doing it on
the table.
You'd make such a handsome fella,
you really would.
Striking.
I'm just going to pop to the loo.
All right, love.
Right, you are going to go out there
and you are going to tell her that
that was unacceptable sexism.
PHONE JINGLES
Hello.
Hello, I'm returning your call from
Omega Pension Providers.
Can I speak to Colin
Walcott, please?
Yeah, he's dead.
I was actually calling about
What's your name, my love?
It's Cathy Walcott,
but I'm calling on behalf of my
mother.
What's her name, my love?
Teresa Guff.
Not on the system, my love.
Yeah, she recently changed it back
to her maiden name.
What's her postcode then, my love?
That actually won't be on the system
either, because she moved.
Have you got the original paperwork
for the pension?
No, because my mother burnt it in
a dustbin.
If you haven't got any proof
of ID, or address,
or the original paperwork,
I can't help you.
OK, thank you.
Have a lovely day, my love.
Yes, but
God.
SHE SIGHS
Oh!
SHE SIGHS
Oh!
SHE CRIES OUT IN PAIN
God, you're a shit driver.
Well, what do you expect?
I have hardly left my house in
28 years,
and I've had to steal Tess' car.
GATE BELL RINGS
No-one's in and I don't know the
code.
You're just going to have
to hoick me up over the wall.
Absolutely not!
Do you want a sofa or what?
One, two
three!
Are you alive?
Oh!
SHE MOANS IN PAIN
Oh, God, I really buggered my knee.
Oh, ow! Ow!
Mouth's all right, though.
Don't worry, love.
Any time I've ever been punched in
the face,
it always looks worse than it is.
Cath, man, what's happened?
Your sister's had a bit of
a knock to the noggin.
So, we just need someone to keep
an eye on her and make sure she
doesn't go to sleep.
Oh, no, I'm fine, really.
I'll be all right, don't worry.
No, no, no, you can't stay at work
with a head injury, darling.
We tried calling Marcus first,
but
Why did you call that melt?
Well, he's her husband,
and he's down as the next of kin.
He's not her husband.
He dumped her at the altar.
What do you mean,
he dumped her at the altar?
Shit. What?
So, now you know that
I am not married
would I be able to get that
promotion?
Absolutely not.
You lied to me about
the two things I hold most dear.
The sanctity of marriage
and cake.
You're a psychopath.
What did you just call my sister?
Oh, yeah, let's go, let's go.
Oh, just for the record,
I dumped him.
Come on.
What was all that about?
Jennifer said I couldn't have the
promotion because I might have a
baby one day.
That's illegal, innit?
Probably, but right now I am single,
homeless,
and bleeding quite heavily from
the head.
Ooh, ah!
Oh, head rush.
As you were.
You know,
the shit we put up with, Cath.
You know a bloke whopped his dongle
out when I dropped
a pizza off earlier?
Zut alors, Cat.
That is not on!
You know you're wasted as
a delivery person.
You should transfer to head office.
You'd probably get some sort
of pension, or private dental care.
I can't. There must be some sort of
in-house management training scheme.
I can't, all right?
Oh, do you know who you should get
in with? Ocado.
Cath, can you just drop it?
If you must know,
I never did my maths GCSE
so my options are delivering
takeaways
or become a drug mule,
so, it's basically Sophie's Choice.
It's not Sophie's choice.
Well, it was, because my mate Sophie
from Wetherspoons,
she was one third of the Peru 2.
So
Yeah, you definitely need
your maths GCSE.
Oh!
Oh, wicked.
We've got a collection right now.
Oh, God. Oh, sorry.
Argh. Argh.
Argh. Argh.
God! Are you ever not annoying?
I told you
that I have buggered my knee.
But it's no use anyway,
because all the windows
will be locked.
What did you do that for?
That's an eight-grand Buddha.
Are you a Buddhist? No.
Well, then, it's your fault
for spending eight grand
on a posh gnome!
Right, I'm going to go in,
pick the settee I want,
and I shall meet you
back at the front door.
Shit.
Oh.
Are you all right?
Why are we stopping here?
Wait for Callum, innit?
Are you serious?
He's our brother.
We can't keep him a secret.
I was a secret for years
and it's shit.
I got bullied at school
because I didn't have a dad,
and look where it got me.
My last final ultimate warning
as a delivery driver.
Yeah, well, I was thinking about
that.
Your maths GCSE sitch,
and I can help with that.
Oh, my God, Cathy, are you going
to give me your certificate?
That's brilliant.
It's not even forgery,
because we've got the same name.
No, no. No, no, no, no. OK. Right,
how about I come back
to school with you, yeah?
You and me,
burning through the syllabus,
like a couple of maths-loving,
calculator-using babes?
Ah, yeah, yeah. We could do
triple science while we're at it.
Oh, come on, Cat.
We can be like
the Middleton sisters of maths.
Right, fine.
But I'm the one
with the great arse, yeah?
Sure.
Oi, oi, there he is.
Cal, over here.
My training session overran.
Going to jump in the shower.
I'll be out in a minute, yeah?
You took your time.
I think you'd better brace yourself,
Angela. Why?
Oh!
Oh, my God.
It's my wigs.
Our wedding photos.
My whole life in bin bags.
He's literally thrown me out.
So, he must really think it's over.
Oh, Angela, I'm so sorry.
Come on.
Thanks.
Let's get my settee
on the top of that car.
Do you have
any Paracetamol actually?
I don't, sorry. Oh.
Oh, there he is.
Hello.
Oh, God, are you OK, Cathy?
Oh, I just had a small altercation
with a sink. It's no biggy.
Right. Slip in the back?
Yes. Are you all right?
Oh, God, I've got so many questions
to ask you.
First of all,
do you like posh burgers?
Erm yeah. Right, wicked.
I need to squeeze in one more order
before I clock off.
See that burger place over there?
Yeah. Order it on your app
and I'll get it,
because I'm the closest one to it.
Right.
Um
..ordered.
Well, it's not come through.
Well, it says it's confirmed.
Give me your phone.
Oh, shit.
You've ordered it
on Uber Eats, I'm Deliveroo.
How do you cancel it? What?
Oh, it's been accepted.
Oh, well. I'm sure
there will be other orders.
Oh, God, you are joking me!
You that bad at your job
that even your boyfriend defected
to Uber Eats?
No, Patience. He's our br
Friend. Yeah, I'm just a mate.
What's wrong with her?
Oh, I just had a small altercation
with a sink,
but thank you for your concern.
That's very kind of you.
Right, I've got an order.
I'd better go.
Yeah, me too.
I just picked this up as an extra.
Double bubble for one collection.
Ha. See you around, dickweed.
I'm giving her
a bad rating for that.
Cheers, Cal.
Come on. Help me load the car up.
You're coming home with me.
What?
Well, I can't leave you like this.
You're one of us now.
Also, I'm going to need your help
getting that settee into my house.
Just go and grab some essentials.
The champagne fridge is
in the kitchen if you want more.
Oh. Smashing.
OK, the delivery address
is, like, five minutes away.
We'll easily get there on time.
Cathy! Don't you fall asleep on me.
What? I wasn't. I just blinked.
Cal, mate,
what's the deal with your mum?
Because full disclosure,
she's camping out
on our settee, and
Look, I don't want
to talk about my mum.
Oh.
It's Marcus.
He's asking me to remove him
as my next of kin,
because I need to move on.
What an arse nodule!
Oh, my God, I hate him.
Who's Marcus?
Cathy's ex. You'd hate him too.
You know,
he never tucked his watch strap in.
Just left the long bit
flapping around.
Yeah, and he sent dick pics
to his receptionist
and dumped me at the altar.
God, he does sound like a cock.
I guess I need a new next of kin.
Cat, will you be mine?
Really? Mm. Are you serious?
I've never been anyone's next
of kin. Can I put that on my CV?
MUSIC: You're Gonna Make Me Love You
By Sandi Sheldon
# I've been running scared
# And it's you I've been
a-running from
# Cos I'm so afraid
# To trust my heart
with a-anyone #
Oh, sorry.
I went through your records.
It's fine.
Haven't heard this in years.
Me neither.
Used to get my mate's big sister
to sneak us into
the Northern Soul all-nighters.
Peter gave me this
when we started to date.
It used to drown out the noise,
so his mum couldn't hear us
in the bedroom.
Genius.
# I can feel your eyes
I can feel your eyes
# Watching me no matter where I hide
# Staring in my soul #
Oh, shit. Get on with it.
I've got, like, two minutes.
Fuck. Come on.
I can't be late.
Shit, is that Patience's scooter?
Oh, that's the bloke
who got his knob out earlier.
You are joking me! Ah, shit it.
A sticky rice
and a side of spring rolls.
What about your order?
Sod it.
Cathy, keep the engine running.
Are you actually kidding me?
Is this your game?
You order food
and if it's a woman you're like,
"Oh, yeah, nice one.
I'll just show her my meat feast."
Ha. Nice to see you again, darling.
You're disgusting, you know that?
Can I borrow your helmet?
Don't do it.
You'll get sacked if he complains.
Mate, I'm already sacked.
Whoa.
Serves you right, you pervert.
Come on, Patience.
That was proper decent.
Look, if you need me to put in
a good word at Uber Eats,
I've got sway, you know.
Thanks, babe,
but I'm getting out of the game.
Yeah. I've got big plans,
big mathematical plans.
Here you are.
You take it.
Can double-double bag now.
Cool. Nice one.
Cathy, wake up!
I am awake.
Right, Cal, time to meet your dad.
MUSIC: Les Fleur
By Minnie Ripperton
Ah, what a tune!
Mm.
Colin hated this music.
You know what he was like,
a proper yacht-rocker.
I didn't really know
what Colin was like, to be honest.
I only met him once.
Er, twice.
The first time when we shagged,
and then the second time
when he turned up at my house
demanding to know
why I hadn't returned his calls.
That's when he found out
I was pregnant.
So, it was just
a one-night stand?
You only did it the once?
Yeah. In the toilets
at the British Haulage Awards.
I mean Er, how tacky is that?
Peter and I, you know, we'd been
going through, like, a rough patch.
We were having all these tests
and scans trying to figure out
why we couldn't conceive.
You know, that night
The night that I
That I met Colin,
I was drunk,
and a bit depressed.
And there he was,
giving me the glad eye.
Hm.
Sad, drunk, horny.
The Bermuda Triangle
of good decisions.
You know, Peter, he's my rock.
That house, that car, this sofa.
I mean, I worked my arse off
for that,
and it doesn't mean anything.
Not if I'm not with him.
It sounds to me like you need
to get him back, then.
You're absolutely
fucking right, Marilyn.
Aww.
Oh. Come here.
Come on. Come on.
There. There, there, there.
There.
Twice in one day, Angela.
Come on.
Oh. Oh, sorry.
Great. I'm locked out
of the Deliveroo app,
officially sacked.
Ohh.
I knew it was going to happen,
but it still hurts, you know?
It hurts.
Oh, no. I'm proud of you.
You took a stand.
Catherine Walcott,
you're an inspiration.
It was amazing.
Oh, God. I need to sit down.
I feel a bit woozy.
Here we are.
Colin Walcott's
Memorial Swing Bench.
Glad to see people have enjoyed it.
Yeah. It does need
a bit of an upgrade. Yeah.
Maybe as a sort of
first anniversary death present,
something a bit more permanent
to sit up here and remember him by.
Are you all right, Cal?
Not really, no. Did my mum tell you?
I am the product
of one one-night stand.
Just FYI, you don't actually have
to say one one-night stand,
because it's kind of implicit
in the phrase.
It's like ATM machine.
Oh, you've having a nose bleed.
Oh, shit. Oh, God.
Oops. It's fine.
I'll just A tissue.
My dad isn't my dad.
I've got two secret sisters.
Everything I believed up until two
days ago has been a complete lie.
Yeah, I was the same
when I found out
that Center Parcs wasn't actually
under one massive roof.
It wasn't all a lie, Callum.
The love that your parents gave you,
that was real.
Yeah, and finding us.
We both love you.
Listen, when you go and get
the new memorial bench,
I'll come with you. OK. OK.
Aww. I want to get
a photo of you two.
Yeah.
OK, and three, two
Oh, God.
Yeah. We need to get
her to hospital.
# Doctor,
my eyes have seen the years
# And the slow parade of fears
without crying
# Now I want to understand
# I have done all that I could
# To see the evil
and the good without hiding
# You must help me if you can
# Doctor, my eyes #