Tires (2024) s02e02 Episode Script

1
[Dave] Hmm.
Pointing a gun at a customer?
-[Will sighs]
-[Dave whistles]
Will!
[Dave tuts]
What kind of unprofessional shop
are you running over there, buddy?
Okay, the gun was for shop security,
and it wasn't loaded, you pussy.
And you're having sex with Lisa,
so shut up!
-Yeah, that's cool. What's your point?
-It's not cool.
I know you think you're cool
'cause you're wearing a leather jacket.
Come on, pussy and leather?
What's cooler?
Pussy? What's cooler
than pussy and leather?
Professionalism and khakis.
Oh, and doing your homework
and wearing condoms.
-Oh my goodness.
-[door opens]
Hey, Jon.
-[Jon] Hey.
-Hey, Dad.
How'd your meeting at the bank go, Will?
Good.
Except that, while you were there,
one of your techs pulled a gun
on a customer.
[sucks air]
Is that true?
It… it… it was my understanding that Cal
was trying to pull the gun on Shane.
You know, Cal didn't know
that the customer was there.
So… Actually, you know what?
Select all, drag to trash. Let's just…
The bank went great.
So unprofessional.
[splutters]
Hey, Dad, I got a question.
Um, would it be okay
if I had sex with an employee?
Kilah?
No, no. No, no, no, no.
-Oh, great question. Jeez.
-No, no! It was just a hypothetical.
Will, listen to me.
We need
employment practices liability insurance,
and to get that,
we have to do HR training.
-[Will] Right.
-Great. I can run a training.
-No, I'll run it, not him.
-Neither of you are doing HR training.
I am bringing a company in here
to do a seminar.
It had better run smoothly.
Mandatory attendance, all managers,
including the two of you.
If we do decide to move forward
with this expansion,
we need to have our ducks in a row.
[pensive banjo music playing]
All right? If we don't get this insurance,
I'm calling up the bank
and telling 'em to shred the application.
[pulsing music playing]
I'm gonna ruin this.
Shane!
[mellow acoustic music playing]
[Shane] You got a woman
to do HR training to mechanics?
That's so fucking smart of you.
Shane, the training is for managers only.
You are welcome to attend
if it's something you wanna--
No, I don't wanna do that.
Okay.
It's just, you know,
if I end up moving up to general manager,
it would be nice if you took my place.
Yeah, yeah. Sure.
[Will] Okay.
Dropped.
Oh, and I assume the gun
is no longer in the shop. Correct?
-Yeah, I got rid of it.
-What does that mean?
I filed the serial numbers off
and gave it to a Black teenager.
Shane!
[phone rings]
-Valley Forge Auto Center. This is Kilah.
-[woman] Who is this?
Who's this?
Oh, you know who this is.
I'm gonna come down there
and beat the shit out of you!
-Fuck you, bitch. Go ahead.
-Kilah!
-Are you sleeping with my husband?
-What's your husband's name?
You know who the fuck my husband is!
You're sucking
his little fucking shrimp cock!
-All right.
-[Will] Well…
-[Kilah] You should take it.
-[woman continues indistinctly]
Hello?
Who's this?
-This is Will.
-Do you work with Dave?
-Yeah, I'm his boss.
-Jon?
No, I'm Jon's son, Will, Dave's new boss.
Dave said he was your boss.
Well, he's not. W… whatever.
-Who is… What's… Uh…
-This is Barb.
Okay?
His wife.
Oh, yes. Barb!
Hi, how are you?
That woman behind your counter
has been fucking my husband!
Kilah? It's impossible.
She's currently in a relationship
with two gay men.
So, bad facts.
No, I know he's sleeping with somebody
at Valley Forge.
Well, he's not sleeping with anybody
at this branch.
Where is Dave? Is he there?
I don't see him.
Have you checked his office?
You tell him if I find him,
I'm gonna rip his dick off!
[Cal] Yeah, I see it.
I'm looking at it right now.
It's nice. It looks a little beat-up.
[man] Come on, Cal.
Look, it's only seven Gs, okay?
You know how rare these cars are.
You love it. What's the problem here?
-Yeah.
-Listen.
Do you want me to sell it
to some douchebag
who's not gonna truly appreciate it?
You appreciate this car.
It'd be like… like a blind guy
fucking a chick with a perfect ass.
I'd argue it'd be better.
You wouldn't have to look at her butthole.
Don't be gross, okay?
All right. Well, I'll think about it.
[mouthing]
Okay. Okay.
Listen, somebody walks on this lot,
buys that car,
there's nothing I can do anymore, okay?
Tommy, I'm hungry.
[sighs deeply] What the fuck am I doing?
-She said she's gonna rip your dick off.
-She said that?
Yes. So you gotta handle that.
How does she know?
[Will] I don't know.
Did you tell her?
No!
Nice, dude. Listen,
I gotta get the fuck out of here though.
-No, no, no! You can't leave, you moron.
-What?
Every manager has to take
and pass this test.
Don't come at me
'cause you don't get pussy, okay?
You're just jealous
that you're not in the situation I'm in.
You wanna be me so fucking bad, Will,
it's so pathetic.
Don't try and sabotage me. I'm going.
Okay, that is the worst possible read
of my reaction.
You don't get it. I'm like that dickhead
from The Beautiful Mind.
Pussy equations
just running through my head constantly.
I can't get them to stop,
and I'm just trying to move
the pussy numbers from here to there,
balance out the pussy denominators,
but sometimes the math doesn't work.
-Ready, Will?
-[Will] Yes!
-Okay.
-[Will] All right. Let's do it.
Hey, I love that blazer.
Oops. Should I not have said that?
Ooh, you gonna buy that thing?
No.
You'd look real gay in that.
You should do it.
[Cal laughing] No, I'm just looking at it.
-I don't know if I can trust these guys.
-[Shane] The wops? Of course you can.
Italians, they never turn on each other
in every single movie.
[Cal chuckles]
Why don't you join Will's meeting?
The manager shit? I'm not doing it. You…
You do not want me to be a manager.
I'd grind you into dust.
[Cal laughing] Yeah, right.
We'd get nothing done.
We'd be drunk in here by noon.
Not you. You wouldn't be allowed to drink.
I'd build one of these.
A little stock… What are those?
-Stockades.
-[Shane] I'd get a stockade back there.
We'd all drink in front of you
and throw vegetables at you.
Well, thank God you've got no ambition.
You do that all the time.
Mine was fun. I was joking around.
Then you say a real personal fucking…
No, I wasn't… I was kidding too.
What, do you have ambition?
Yeah, I have…
I have a ton of ambition.
All right, well…
[Shane] Clean that up.
[kicks bin]
[slow acoustic music playing]
Okay. Well, thank you, everybody,
for showing up.
You forced us to.
Okay. Well, thank you
for choosing not to quit over this.
I promise it won't take long.
As we continue to grow as a company,
which benefits us all,
it's important to do,
uh, stuff… like this.
Be respectful!
Okay?
And without further ado,
let's please welcome Carmen Vela… Vela…
Velazquez.
Velazquez.
-Yes.
-Thank you, Will, very much.
How did everyone's weekend go?
Did anyone do anything fun?
[clears throat] Okay. Well, uh,
I… I had a really nice day at the beach
with my husband.
-Fuck.
-[Carmen] Yeah, we went to the boardwalk.
It was, like, a beautiful sunset.
We had those little martinis
with the umbrellas in them.
There were some sand dunes.
We got to ride those little buggies…
[whispering] Dave's wife called.
She's looking for him.
-[louder] What?
-Jesus, Shane!
And…
Can you keep it down
so she can get this underway, please?
-Thank you…
-Dave. Uh, I'm the general manager.
Dave. Well, I can see why.
Uh, I'm… I'm actually, not in title yet,
but I am the general man--
Will is our boss's son.
Uh, great. And listen, I know
it's almost the end of everyone's workday,
and we're all itching to go home,
but I need your full attention because…
[imitates drum roll]
…there will be a test at the end.
Okay? And when I can certify
that all managers of Valley Forge Auto
have passed that test,
well, I approve for insurance.
Sound good? Okay, let's get started.
Protected classes.
What are some protected classes?
Gay and lesbian.
-Handicaps.
-Cross-eyed girls.
-No--
-[Shane] Cross-eyed girls?
-They should be protected.
-[Carmen] Okay.
-I'll protect them.
-Let's take this seriously, you guys.
Black.
I'm actually not protected at all.
I'm too straight and jacked.
You're fat. You're protected.
Is no-shoulders, shrimp-body,
cocaine addict up there?
Dude, I do coke three times a week.
You act like it's like a crime.
-It's not.
-[Shane] You think I'm protected?
You… you think I'm so fat that,
if I got fired, I could sue the company?
Absolutely. If I was your lawyer,
I would pursue it.
Fellas, we really need
to stay on track here, okay?
[Carmen] Thank you again, Dave.
Please, let's not just call out.
Okay? Let's raise our hands
if we have a question and be respectful.
I'm hearing a lot of microaggressions,
which we'll get to in a second.
Midgets.
Hey, hey. No more contributions from you.
What? I…
-Midgets.
-[Will] No!
Will, Dave's wife is on two.
Oh, good. Kilah's here. Kilah, can you
give us an example of a microaggression?
Rape.
-[gasps] Oh.
-Oh my God, Kilah!
Micro. Micro!
Fingering.
Uh, okay. Thank you, Kilah.
You can go back to the counter now.
-I'll be up in a second.
-What was the right answer?
There's no…
Just go back to the counter. Thank you.
-I actually have a question.
-No, he doesn't.
You know my shoulder gets stuck here.
-Shane! Shane!
-[moaning] Ow!
-Okay. Okay. All right!
-[Shane] Ow!
I got kicked out.
Hello, Barb.
[Barb] I'm at his shop, Will. Guess what?
He's not here.
Okay. Well, did you check his office?
Of course I checked his office, soft jaw!
Jared here said
he was going to your shop today.
[mumbling] Said he was going
to some kind of teaching thing.
[Barb] Jesus fucking Christ!
I can barely get a cohesive sentence
out of this mute!
Is there a gas leak in all these places?
Uh… Have you checked the Outback?
He goes there a lot.
If he shows up, I'll let you know.
If he shows up there today
and you don't fucking tell me,
I'm gonna rip your dick off too!
[tense music playing]
Fuck you!
What did I do?
Oh, she's gone.
[Carmen in background]
…discrimination, protection…
Holy Toledo.
…an employee must be a member
of a class of individuals…
Now she's talking about
ripping my dick off too!
Will, please.
Oh, I'm sorry.
[man] I'm sorry. Can we… Can we…
Can we just circle back to the fact
that it's not that big of a deal
to do coke once in a while?
-Absolutely not!
-Everybody, stop interrupting the seminar.
Thank you, Dave.
I really appreciate your leadership
and trying to keep everyone on track.
Okay. Carmen, what he's doing
isn't leadership.
Really? Because you said
you were a general manager also,
but you've been disruptive multiple times.
-Yeah, but--
-You left the seminar to take calls.
-Yeah.
-You're yelling at your staff.
-Wanna know what call I left to take?
-Don't.
I'm not being disruptive. He is!
Dave's having an affair with Lisa.
Fuck!
His wife found out this morning,
and now she's looking for him.
That's why he's trying
to "keep everybody on track." Your words.
Isn't Lisa hot?
[Carmen] Oh my God.
[Will] Where are you going?
Carmen? What are you doing?
Carmen? Is this part of the presentation?
We can't see the screen.
What? Carmen!
-I got a question. Is this over?
-No, it's not over.
Actually, yes, it's over.
This is a total waste of my time.
-We didn't get past the first slide.
-How many goddamn slides are there?
…and you're doing nothing
to facilitate that,
so let your dad know that I'm leaving.
What? No, Carmen. Hold on a second.
Let's talk about this.
Flawless victory.
I fucked that whole thing up.
I don't know. I feel bad for him.
Don't feel bad for him. He wanted this.
He called this meeting. He wants power.
He's a greedy little pig.
He just wants the place to be successful.
It seems like he wants you
to be a big part of it.
You just gotta stop
fucking with him and help.
[pensive music playing]
[sighs]
Shut the fuck up, Cal.
-[Will] You can't leave!
-[Carmen] I can, I will, and I am.
-[Will] We're not gonna get the insurance.
-[Shane] Hey. Hey.
Sorry about that.
I was just messing around out there.
Also, sorry about the Hitler salute.
That was also… I was messing around.
Will's Jewish, too, so it was…
I didn't mean anything.
[scoffs] All the more reason
to not joke about that.
Exactly. More reason to joke about it.
Come on. Let's get back out there.
I'll help you through it.
I'll make sure they stay on track.
-Come on. HR's important to us.
-Shane.
That was the last one.
I'm fucking around. That was the last.
It's fine. I don't even care.
I think you do care.
Yeah? And how would you know that?
'Cause I do the exact same thing.
Every time something doesn't go well,
I go, "I don't even care. That was dumb."
Then usually, I get in my car
and drive home
and… go fucking, "I wish I didn't…"
"I wish I applied myself
and tried for once."
You've done that.
Oh, there it is. Is that a little smile?
-I think that was a little smile.
-Shut the fuck up, Will. I had it.
-[Will] Well…
-Come on.
I'll help.
It could be fun.
I'll be your dickhead translator.
I'll do it with you.
Please?
You gotta come by and buy this car
before somebody steals it!
-This car's hotter than your sister's ass!
-It's hotter than your mom's meatballs!
-It's hotter than your nonna's diaper.
-Oh!
[both] Oh!
-All sales final.
-Oh!
[groans softly]
All right, dickheads, listen up.
I know this sucks. We're all dumbasses.
But if we just fucking lock in
and plow through this,
we can get it over with, all right?
Carmen, next slide, please.
Okay, sexual harassment.
Ooh, look at that.
Goddamn! Look at the ripples on that ass.
That's assault for sure.
Some girls like that.
I mean, you can't go
smacking any girl's ass like that.
Exactly. You can't just go around
smacking asses,
even if they're perfectly sculpted
cartoon asses like this.
Okay, well, it's important to note
that sexual harassment can be nonverbal.
Um, can anyone give me an example
of nonverbal sexual harassment?
-Kind of walked right into that one, huh?
-Yeah.
We can all agree those are hilarious.
No. No.
-[Shane] All right, next slide.
-Okay.
We can cover that later. Next.
Great pace, Shane.
Let's keep it moving. Excellent.
[Shane] Ableism.
-Whatever the fuck… Oh.
-[Carmen] Uh…
Wheelchair people.
That's a potato chip in a wheelchair.
I don't think potato chips in wheelchairs
are funny at all anymore.
A person in a wheelchair is not funny.
It depends on how they got there,
but for the most part,
wheelchair people are not funny.
I've seen hot chicks in wheelchairs.
Ever see one on a street,
little Hot Wheels coming at you?
You don't laugh at them, do you?
You go,
"Goddamn, I wish I had her
instead of my disgusting pig
standing wife."
You kidding me?
Wheelchair wife? That's a dream wife.
She starts yapping a little.
You go, "You know what?"
"I am gonna watch
the end of the baseball game."
"Let's get you back to the guest room."
"Put you on ice for ten minutes,
let you think about this."
You fall asleep around the seventh inning,
and you go… [snores]
"Oh fuck. I forgot her back there."
That's what ableism is.
-No, it's not.
-It was close. It was close enough. Next.
2,000!
5,000, Cal.
[sighs]
3,000.
[man] 5,000.
I got a guy here who's willing to pay six.
I'm staring at him in the face.
-What guy?
-[Tommy] Can't do that. Against the rules.
Client confidentiality.
[tense music playing]
4,000.
4,700.
4,000.
4,200.
No, 3,700.
4,000, you got a deal.
All right, yes. Thank you. Thank you.
[sighs deeply]
Fuck.
[hopeful music playing]
-Why don't we wrap this up? Great work.
-[Shane] Implicit bias.
That's basically just,
everything you think is wrong,
and it is because of racism,
and whoever wrote this down definitely
doesn't have biases of their own.
Racism, only white people can be racist,
everybody else cannot be racist,
and Black people definitely love
Chinese people. Next slide.
Actually, it's a little more--
Carmen, can we speak privately
for a second, please?
-All right. Let's take five.
-[Dave] Great, great.
-Can we go back to the ass slide?
-Great question, Darnell.
-[pop music plays on radio]
-[tires screech]
[music stops]
[suspenseful music playing]
That motherfucker!
You're dead, pig!
Hey, listen. I hate to ask you this,
but do you think
you could just fire that test up?
I'll take it fast and be out of your hair.
You got a lot of nerve
to ask me to do that.
-I've worked hard on this presentation--
-I get it, but I really need this now.
[door opens]
[Barb panting]
There's my girl!
What a nice surprise!
Guys, my wife is here.
I looked everywhere for you.
I even went to the Black store,
which is the only place
where somebody paid me a compliment.
That mean Freddie there.
Somebody needs to call the police.
You.
You dirty little slut.
That's my husband!
-I'm sorry?
-Whoa, this is not what it looks like.
Oh, yeah, right. I found your stash.
Apple-flavored condoms? Disgusting.
I didn't know
Mexicans had such a sweet tooth.
-[Carmen] Okay…
-[Dave] Whoa!
Now, that is a microaggression,
which is something we don't tolerate here.
I would never--
Oh, don't try
to back your way out of this now,
hot girl in a business suit
or whatever the fuck this is.
-Okay, what do you do?
-I don't work!
-I do pretty well.
-Shut up!
How long has this been going on for?
Don't put your finger in my face,
you… frumpy bitch.
[Barb gasps] Wow.
[scoffs softly]
What are you, Latina?
Yeah, sure. You look good now.
Just wait till you hit 40.
You're gonna look like
a leftover bowl of guacamole.
[Barb yells]
-[chiming]
-[automated voice] That is correct.
-[chime]
-That is correct.
That is correct.
Wait. You're not allowed to accept
any pictures of breasts?
No.
[automated voice] That is correct.
Test complete.
Congratulations.
[Dave] All right.
[upbeat rock music playing]
It's just a ♪
Sign of the times ♪
But we all like it a wee bit ♪
Let it grow in our cells ♪
It takes up so much in our heads ♪
It's like a personal hell ♪
Whenever you picture that fear ♪
No wonder we're all empty ♪
We all witnessed a war ♪
Most of us are safe
As we go off to work ♪
Ah, fuck
It's just a sign of the times ♪
It's ♪
Just a ♪
Sign of the times ♪