8 Simple Rules (2002) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Hey, neighbor,
Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle.
Just wanted to see if we
could pop by for a few…
Hey, neighbor, Fred
Doyle here… Hey, neighbor…
You know, you could
return one of Fred's calls.
Okay, I can't talk to
you when you're like this.
The man, he can't take a hint.
He would still keep calling
here if we changed our
outgoing message to Doyle,
you idiot, stop calling!
Hey, neighbor.
Well… hello. Fred, Mary Ellen…
we were just talking about you.
You lie!
- Yes, we were.
We used your
names and everything.
Rory, say hi to the Doyles.
Sorry to burst in like
this. We tried calling but
something must be wrong with
your answering machine.
Yes, well you know,
we haven t been able to receive
any incoming messages at all.
Something's wrong with the
answering machine?
Rory! No! No!
Hey, neighbor,
Fred Doyle and Mary Ellen Doyle…
You fixed it!
It wasn t broke.
- I said you fixed it.
So, what can we do for you?
- We made Donny a video postcard.
He gets so lonely down
at the Naval Academy.
Yeah, nothing fancy, mind
you, just the whole family got
together to say hi and singing
a few tunes from Sound of Music.
That's, gee… yeah.
- So different.
Yeah, anyway… we left a little
room at the end of the tape
so that Donny's best girl,
Bridget, could say Howdy do.
Now you tell Bridget
she's under no
pressure to sing and
dance on the tape.
Donny understands
that'she's not a Doyle.
'Yet'.
She can do those things, right?
- Yes.
You sure?
Okay then, well,
listen, thank you
so much for
stopping by, you guys.
We'll see you later,
alright? Okay. Bye-bye.
Wait a minute…
what am I thinking here.
On a more somber
note, there is a crime
wave presently in
our neighborhood.
Oh, no. Burglaries?
- 'Eggings'.
Yeah. Yeah… the
Feeneys, the O'Tooles,
the Johnsons have
all taken the yolk.
And this guy keeps changing his
M.O. shaving cream, toilet paper.
Oh no, where will
this madman stop?
Yeah.
Exactly, so as Captain
of the Neighborhood.
Watch, I wanted
to ask you, Paul…
Fred, listen you know
that I would love to join
the Watch and go on
patrol with you guys
Paulie, Paulie,
Paulie, look… you're
far too valuable
behind a typewriter.
See, what this malcontent
needs is a, is a nickname.
Something we can put in the
local paper to raise awareness.
Coming up with a name
should be a snap for you.
You mean, something like
'The Michigan Mischief Maker'?
Boy, you writers are amazing.
- It's nothing.
Boy, to come up with just
the right turn of phrase you
must have to wade through
a million stinkers like that?
You got grit. He's got grit,
Mary. He's the grittiest.
Hey, Bridge, can I borrow
your go-go boots to go with
this skirt for that'sixties
party everyone's going to?
What'sixties party?
Just some lame
party, I'm totally
gonna blow it
off in your boots.
Alright, Kerry, listen… you don't
have to protect my feelings.
When I was the
popular one, I went
to millions of
really cool parties,
I never even told you about…
because they were really lame.
Hello! Damia? Shut up!
Shut uuuupppp!
I hate yo! Okay, see you then.
Damian?
Yes, that really hot new
senior with the homemade tattoos.
We had this secret date, and oh
my God, he's such a good kisser.
Except when his tongue ring
caught one of my fillings.
Bridget, what about Donny Doyle?
Thank you for making me think
of Donny. Now, I feel guilty.
Well, you should feel guilty.
He's your boyfriend and when he
finds out you're two-timing
him, you're gonna wind up alone.
He's in Maryland. How's he
ever going to find that out?
Damian, I told you I'd meet…
It's Donny!!
You have reached
Bridget's voice mail.
Please leave a message. Beep!
Bridge, he's not gonna fall for…
- He's leaving a message.
That was so close. What if
I'm not always that clever?
- It is a high level to maintain.
- You're right.
I am so gonna get
caught. You know, I
have to choose
between one or the other.
One or the other what?
- Yeah, Bridge, what?
You know, Kerry, if you wanna
borrow my boots, they re upstairs
in the box marked: Shut up!
- Got it.
What was that about?
- Dad, did you ever
have to choose between
two things that you
really, really liked?
Indeed I did.
As a young man
about to embark on life's
journey, I was faced
with a dilemma…
Hi, how ‘bout Cliff Notes?
Okay, well, when I
graduated college
I had to make a decision whether
or not I was gonna
go to law school, as
I always planned,
or become a writer.
Which did you choose?
- Shhhh.
Anyway, Bridge, what I'm trying
to say is: "Follow your heart".
I followed my heart and
I ve never looked back.
That's your advice,
"Follow my heart"?
- Well, it's not that'simple.
I can't believe I
never thought of that!
I'mean, I'm always,
like, so logical.
Bridget, hey, Bridget. The
Doyles brought this over for you.
They made Donny a video
letter and they left some
room at the end for a
message from his special girl.
- You. Ohh
- Right. Yeah.
So, Paul, I always thought that
you never got into Law School.
She asked for the Cliff Notes.
Anyway, Donny, it,
looks like Grandma's
not gonna make it
past Thanksgiving.
But, on the upside, you re
moving on up to the adult table.
Alright now, a very
special message to Donny
from Donny's little sweetheart,
Bridget Hennessy.
Perhaps The future
Mrs. Donny Doyle?
Oh, Did I say that?
You're a bomb. Okay, hit
the ‘off button, honey.
Mary Maureen
For the love of Mike.
Hey, Donny! How's Navy College?
Not much going on here, except
I got these new sandals with
this really cute
flower pattern, but
the first time I
wore ‘em the strap
totally broke off.
And when I brought
em back for a
refund, they'd only
give me a store
credit. I was all, Yeah,
like I wanna buy
more of your defects.
And I think we should
see other people.
And I totally understand
if you wanna tell all
your Navy friends
that you broke up with
me. Good luck at
war and stuff. Bye.
Dude, I'm sorry.
So, can I call her?
Hey, Cate, listen
to this. I came up
with a couple names
for this prankster.
Which do you like
better: 'The Lone Eggman'
or 'The Neighbor-Hoodlum'
Ahmmm.
Why don't you try something
like 'The Oakdale Vandal'?
The 'Oakdale Vandal'? Who's gonna
crack the case, the' Hardy Boys'?
You know, you're right, Paul.
The Lone Eggman is gold.
Fine, I'll just trust my own
instincts. Rory,
what do you think?
I'm not going anywhere.
- No, which do you like better.
The 'Neighbor-Hoodlum'
or 'The Lone Eggman'?
Dad, both really capture the guy.
- I know.
But what about something
like: 'The Injustice Fighter'
or 'The Righteous Avenger'
or: ' Operation: You Tenth
Graders Picked On The Wrong Guy'
That's too many
words for a headline.
I'll get it.
Hey, what's wrong?
- Donny.
Well, come in. What is it?
Something's happened
at school. Donny…
Donny… Donny got a B.
Here come the waterworks.
Wait a minute, wait… you, you,
you're this upset over a B?
We don't expect
you to understand.
We still care about
our kids grades.
Hey! You know, we still
care about our…
- I never should have sent him
that blasted videotape letter!
Fred thinks something
on it upset him.
He got the tape, he fell apart.
Mary Ellen, it's
time to come clean.
When we sang Climb Every
Mountain I sang Donny's part.
It was like I was
rubbing his nose in it:
you're gone, I'm the big
baritone around here, now, pal.
I'm nothing but a no-good
harmony part stealer.
Fred, I'm sure stealing a
harmony part isn't the problem.
What else could it be?
Well, Bridget broke up
with him on that videotape.
Oh no!, I thought everyone knew.
Your daughter… broke
up with our Donny?
On our videotape?
You took Donny's harmony part?
Well, see this? Little Bridgie's
behind Donny's downfall.
She enchanted him
with her feminine wiles,
and flaunted all her
what's-its and who-zits.
Wait just a minute here!
- Now, now, now… Fred, wait.
It's no one's fault.
In fact, there may
be a silver lining
to this whole mess.
Exactly. Maybe now Donny can
focus on his studies again.
Yes. Or maybe,
Cate, you'll start
spending a little
more time at home
before Kerry turns into a
boy-destroying
hussy like her sister.
That's too late.
Who are you calling a hussy?
There is nothing wrong with the…
I can't defend that.
What, I told you
that I'm going to
that'sixties party.
Don't you ever listen?
Bold move there,
Paul letting a ten
year old dabble in
the summer of love.
I'm not ten!
- Alright, Kerry.
Go upstairs.
I'll handle this.
Look here, I am sorry
about Donny and Bridget.
But that does not mean
you can insult my family.
So, I am going to have to
ask you to leave this house.
Well… we're going.
But you will rue this day,
Hennessy, mark my words.
The eyes of the
Neighborhood Watch
no longer will land
upon your house!
No! How will we ever
survive without pudgy
middle-aged men with
walkie-talkies to protect us?
It's too bad Donny and
Bridget couldn't work it out.
Yeah.
The Doyles will probably
never talk to us again.
I know.
I feel like I should
buy Bridget something.
What was that?
- What?
That. It's him.
He's here! Who?
The Motown Disturber. Really?
I thought that's a keeper.
What should we do?
- I'll take care of it.
A toilet brush? Are you
going to scrub him to death?
Would you want to
be touched with this?
Stop!
- You had enough?
Had enough, punk?
Please, Mr. Hennessy.
Mr. Hennessy, I give. What, wait…
Donny? Donny, what
are you doing here?
Look, I had to see Bridget.
I need to see her.
I'm desperate…
oh, my God, Mr. Hennessy,
you beat me with a toilet brush?
Would you stick to the subject?
What happened to you?
I hitchhiked all the
way here. But to
see Bridget again,
I was happy to ride
in the back of that
truck with all those pigs.
Did that come from the master
bath or the girls bathroom?
What does that matter?
- You're right.
All that matters is seeing
Bridget and winning her back.
She's the whole
reason I went AWOL.
- AWOL?
Donny, you're in the military.
This isn't just cutting class.
It's desertion. They,
they shoot people for that!
I don't care. I'd gladly face a
thousand firing
squads for Bridget.
I'm gonna have to
call your parents.
- No, don't do
that. They'll kill me.
No, wait. Come on now,
listen… You got pig smell.
I'm serious, Donny. You
have to get back to your
dorm before anyone notices
you ve gone ‘A ‘W ‘O ‘L.
Sir, I know I can
make Bridget love me.
Then again, a long stretch in
the brig might do you some good.
Cate, he's not listening! Forget
it, I'll wait until you're off
the phone with the Doyles.
- Yeah, well they
won't even notice.
They're on another crying jag.
I told ‘em about the pig truck.
Where do kids get this idea that
they're meant to be together?
Paul, he's young and
hopelessly in love.
Don't you remember
what that was like?
- No! Do you?
- No.
But, but you pretend.
- Right.
Okay… Donny, you and Bridget are
obviously meant to be together.
But if you obsess about
her, and, you know, break
into her home, she could
take it the wrong way.
You know, women, how they are.
So you're saying,
if she sees me here,
she might think I'm a
little pathetic and needy?
No, I'm saying that'she,
along with most
courts,
will think you're a stalker.
I gotta get back to Annapolis.
You know, that toilet
brush whoopin might
be the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
Thanks, Mr. Hennessy.
- You betcha.
Donny, your parents
will be here any minute.
No.
- Paul, you really pummeled him.
I feel bad.
Stop gloating. He
didn't even fight back.
Not after the
ass-whippin I dished out.
Donny?
My god, what are you doing here?
I am not a stalker…
or pathetic or needy.
You smell like a pig.
- Yeah, long story.
Bridget, I thought
you were in bed.
I was studying.
- Without books?
Ever hear of the Internet?
The computer's here.
And you do not have a laptop.
And whose fault is that?
- Okay, alright, you two.
Look, before Bridget ends up
with a free laptop, why don't
you just show Donny where
we keep the antiseptic?
Alright, where is he?
- Now, Fred, your blood pressure.
Our boy's gone AWOL.
Somebody's in for a spanking!
Fred! Fred! -What?
- You wanna cinch that?
You were in a fight with my Dad?
Well, it wasn t so
much a fight as a…
- That is so cool.
- battle to the death.
Well, after Donny and
I had our little chat,
I'm pretty sure he's going
back to the Naval Academy.
Mom, Dad: I'm dropping
out of the Naval Academy.
You're what?
Bridget changed her mind.
She's taking me back!
Daddy, look at him.
He's just so Edward Norton
in Fight Club right now.
Donny, you can't throw
everything away for
some girl who's not even
good enough for you!
Is it your life's
mission to destroy me?
Robe!
Bridget's not good enough
to date Donny. Yeah, well.
Donny's not good
enough to date Bridget!
Maybe you should have
gone to law school.
Dad!
No, honey… I'm fine.
What is it, Kerry?
Here we are, another
morning talking about Bridget.
Honey, I know that's hard.
- No, no, she
deserves the attention.
After all she does have
two boyfriends right now.
You guys think I care
that nobody noticed
I snuck out and stayed
out past curfew?
Back up a second.
Okay, it was just a few
minutes past curfew.
Not that. Bridget
has two boyfriends?
God, no one is interested in me.
Honey, of course
we're interested in you.
What can you tell
us about Bridget?
And what about
this other boyfriend?
- Kerry, wait!
- Wait! Kerry! Kerry!
We are really upset
with you. You get
back here, right now!
Who am I kidding.
This is unbelievable!
Donny drops out of school
to be with Bridget and
she's two-timing him.
Yeah, well we
have to talk to her.
- Damn right, we're
gonna talk to her.
You notice we never have
problems like this with the boy?
Bye, Dad.
- See ya, son.
Yeah?
Bridget, you're
going out with Donny,
and you have another boyfriend?
Yeah. Isn't it funny how
everything just worked out?
Do you, do you realize
that Donny's giving up his
dream of being in the Navy
to come here and be with you?
Meanwhile, tomorrow you
could just decide to dump him.
I can't believe you
think I'm that fickle.
Well,
you did dump him yesterday.
That is so like you just
to dredge up the past.
You know, the only reason I
broke up with him is because
you told me to follow my heart.
We were talking about law school!
Cate, you're here. Good.
Daddy thinks I'm fickle.
- Sweetheart… you are fickle.
Gang up on me. What is
this an intervention?
Bridget, you cannot
do this to Donny.
Can't you see you're wrong?
You… Cate, tell her.
Look, Paul, we ve already
talked to her. She's a big girl.
She's gonna do
what she's gonna do.
- Okay, you guys, look just,
stop worrying!
Now that I'm going out
with Donny, I'm gonna
break it off with Damian.
Well, if that's your final
decision I'll just
wait 5 minutes.
Bridget, Donny is
risking everything
for you and you
kind of like him.
You gotta let him go.
Would it kill you, for once in
your life, to listen to your dad?
I'm listening.
I am listening.
Now, if you guys don't
mind, I have a date with
Donny and this skirt
is way too long.
Bridget!
Bridget will be right down.
- Thanks.
So, have you decided?
- Decided what?
- Hanging or Firing Squad?
Rory!
I'd go for hanging, it breaks the
neck, you don't feel a thing.
Get out! Get out!
Hey, Bridget.
- Hey, Donny.
You look so beautiful.
- Thanks.
I'm glad I dashed my
childhood dreams for you.
Oh my God!
- You okay, Mr. Hennessy?
- Yeah, I'm fine. You have fun.
I have a great night planned.
- Cool.
Actually, you know what?
Donny, I can't do this.
Do what?
You know, quitting Navy
College and risking hanging
is like the sweetest thing
anyone's ever done for me.
Thanks.
But, I d hate to see you
risk your whole future
just because you're
crazy over me.
I mean, I understand
it… but, God, I can't
believe I m saying this…
I may not be worth it.
But Bridget, you…
- No, don't say anything.
Okay. My mind's made up.
But…
-Donny, you have
to go back to school,
okay. Here's your pin.
You back so soon?
- You were listening.
Noooo, I was not listening.
And I am so proud of you.
That was a tremendous
sacrifice you made, Bridget.
Well, you know, it was the right
thing to do. It was
actually you, Dad.
I mean, you told
me not to be selfish
cause I could be
ruining his future.
You listened. I can't tell you
how much this means to me.
Besides, when he got all cleaned
up and the bristle marks faded,
he lost, like, half his hotness.
-No, stop right there. You
listened. You
listened to your Dad!
Now, he's not even
nearly as hot as Damian.
Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah! You listened!
- I m gonna call Damian.
You listened!
Hello? Anybody out there?
¡we're out of toilet paper!
Again! How could we possibly go
through a twenty pack in 2 days?
Is anyone out there? Please.
Alright,
I hope everybody read my column.