Amandaland (2025) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Hi, Mummy! Hello, darling.
Kids! I'm home!
Hi. Hi, Mum.
Do I get a hug?
So
how was the North?
It was Birmingham. Oh, dear.
And it was Is it weird to
describe a trade show as magical?
Yes.
It's just such an exciting time.
Interiors are really expanding
at the moment.
That feels like a problem for walls.
And get this, Mummy,
I'm now a brand ambassador!
So this guy who designs
these gorgeous sofas
took business cards from a few
elite tastemakers and he selected
What, like a prize draw?
No, like a talent pool.
And I was chosen to receive this
gorgeous complimentary so
You won a sofa?
No. I networked a sofa!
To boost on my socials.
It's quid quo pro! Anyway.
How were the kids?
Good as gold.
Though Manus kept calling me,
"Brah."
Is he a sexist now?
No. It's short for brother, Mother.
"Brother-Mother"?
It's It's just what the kids
say now.
Anyway, I must dash.
I'm meeting a man for "coffee."
Oh!
I've signed up to this very
exclusive dating app and, honestly,
I can't move for hot totty.
Well, enjoy your "coffee."
It's not really coffee, darling.
Yes, I know, Mummy.
Kids! Gan-Gan's going now!
Oh! Such a magical age.
Morning. Morning.
Oh, Mal. I need a hand
Taxi! Well, I'm off to
Quick as you can!
Don't even argue.
So when's the new one coming?
Well, not for a few days,
but I need to vacuum
and touch up some scuffs.
Let's get the cushions off first.
OK.
What's this slimy
ARGH! Ergh!
Urgh!
Oh, my God!
Is that a condom?!
Urgh! I touched my face! Oh, my God!
Urgh!
Oh, not with the hairbrush!
That was in your sofa!
So gross!
Amanda, that's foul.
Ugh! Whose is that?!
Could it be yours?
No, Mal.
I've been V-Cel since Johannes.
Voluntary celibate.
Just focusing on me and my needs.
All right, well, it must be
someone's.
No shit, Shergar.
But who else in this house
is sexually active?
Yeah, I know, Darius,
but I really want to get a ticket.
OK, I could ask Stanley
to be fair.
Everything can be bought online,
there's got to be a website.
I've checked on the website.
We can look somewhere else.
I can't wait to see you.
All right, we either need to move
this or put it down.
I am going to have to speak to her,
aren't I?
And get Anne to speak to Darius.
Yeah.
These things require
a two-pronged approach.
It's usually
more of a one-pronged approach.
Mal! This is serious.
Well, they're 16 now.
I think it's quite normal.
So have you had the chat
with Ned then?
Yeah, of course.
Me and JJ divvied it up.
I was communications
with the opposite sex
and JJ was contraceptives.
Basically I was tactics
and JJ was the kit man.
Right. There you go. OK.
What time they coming to collect it?
Who?
I don't know, the council or
whoever you booked it with.
No-one.
Mal, this is a very expensive sofa.
Someone will take it.
You can't just leave it
in the street.
Why don't you stick it
on Marketplace?
Mal, I don't do Facebook
cos of my moral objections to Meta.
It's a good job
they don't own Instagram, innit?
God, isn't it?
Yes, you just see it, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yes, it's very nice, yes. Yeah.
And you won that?
No, I networked it, Anne,
cos of my profile.
Oh, right. And you just left the old
one out on the pavement?
Its second life is pending, yeah.
Sure. If I dump a sofa,
it's fly-tipping,
and if you do it,
you're part of the circular economy.
Well, I'm giving someone local
the chance to own a piece
of Chiswick-quality furniture.
It's actually very community-minded.
Mmm. Unless, you want it
for your homeless charity?
Well, it's a food bank
and you can't eat a sofa,
sono.
Stick it in the van, if you want?
Take it down the tip.
That sofa has survived one marriage
and two toddlers, Mal,
I think it deserves a better fate
than the tip.
All right. Honestly!
It'll get snapped up any moment.
You'll see.
Bye!
That was Della.
She's on her last leg.
She's dying?!
No, of her journey. From Hawaii.
We've got her back for the weekend.
Well, some of it anyway.
Aw! So nice!
Yeah, can't wait!
We'll have a stroll by the river,
spot of lunch.
I found this ace gastro pub that's
dog friendly. Thank you, ChatGPT.
What's Chatty Petey?
No, it's Chat G-P-T, Anne.
It's AI.
Oh.
Yes, yes, that.
Yeah, I think the kids put it on my
phone but I don't really trust it.
Um, I mean, Chris always laughs
at me
for saying please and thank you
to Alexa,
but, um, at least when the computers
take over, they'll have me down
as one of the good humans
and they might spare me.
From the first cull at least.
Imainly just ask it about pubs.
But you can ask it about anything.
Oh. It's dead good for advice.
Felicity! Off the pitch!
Oh, Mummy!
Sorry I'm late.
I met someone for "coffee".
You're actually starting
to put me off coffee.
Don't be a prude.
You should get on this app, darling.
No, Mummy!
No, thank you.
No, it's a rich seam of solvent men.
There's loads of them.
Look! What do you think of him?
Hmm. Maybe a touch old, but, er,
yeah, why not? Yeah, I'm game.
No, he's the one I'm seeing.
That's coffee man?
Five shots last night.
And a quick AeroPress this morning.
Anne?
Love's young dream.
Really takes me back, y'know?
Me and Chris once kissed so hard
when we were courting,
that I developed a pressure sore
on my gum.
Marvellous. I'm glad
I got you alone actually, Anne.
I found an unwrapped condom
in the house yesterday,
and, well, it's not mine.
Obviously.
Yes, thank you, Anne. My point is,
if it's not mine
Oh, don't be ridiculous!
They're only kids.
Can you imagine
getting down and dirty at 16?
Oh, God, they're at it,
aren't they?!
I don't know, Anne, but I think we
need to talk to them,
make sure they're armed
with all the facts.
Jesus. Chris is currently away
in Vancouver, Canada.
Right. This would have to happen
when he's away in Vancouver, Canada.
I know where Vancouver is, Anne.
Yes. Yeah, I will talk to him.
OK, yes.
OK, that's enough Darius! C'mon!
Spaghetti Hoops for tea.
My poor sofa.
Who's done this?
You see?
I told you.
You've opened the floodgates now.
People see an abandoned settee
in the street,
they think it's a dumping ground.
Oh, you've finally been evicted?
Trying to get rid of this old thing.
He means the sofa
They're nice!
Thanks. Yeah, Della's back tonight,
so I'm making an effort.
Flowers Ohh!
..a nice Merlot,
new razor Hmm!
..and some plughole unblocker
because, y'know, it's been a while.
Sounds lovely.
I mean having Della back,
not your
Although I'm sure
Do you know what?
This is actually a decent settee.
Yes, thank you! Yes, it is.
Yes! See?! People like it.
Oh, no! Bobby! No, no!
Bad dog! Bad dog! Oh, God, Fi!
Can you tell him to stop?
That's horrid!
I'm so sorry, Amanda. Bad dog!
Well, no-one's going to want it
now, are they?
Excuse me?
Isis that going begging?
Yes.
Yes, it is. Free to a good home.
Amazing.
Yeah.
Ha! Thank you.
Oh, dear!
God, I'm exhausted!
..Not an airport game.
Oh, it's so good to be home!
Whoa! What the
Oh!
That's a much bigger dog
in real life!
Ah! He's licking my skin!
Oh, he loves his other mummy!
OK, right, cough up. Oh.
We had a deal.
Here you go, mate.
Oh, come on, it's not 1985.
Bloody 'ell.
Thank you. OK. Right,
I'll see you guys later then, yeah?
Where are you going?
To buy drugs.
Cinema.
Oh!
Out. All evening.
At the cinema.
Ohhh.
Ohhh!
Oh, I knew there was a reason
to fly 7,000 miles.
Oh! So sorry!
I've been letting him sleep on the
bed while you were away.
Oh, just kick him out
and shut the door.
No, cos if I do that,
he'll scratch at it all night.
Let me just
Let me get him settled downstairs
and I'll be right back.
OK. Yeah.
Georgie, sweetheart,
could we have a little chat?
It's just about you and Darius
Oh.
Georgie?
I was like 12
Oh, my God.
Um, excuse me!
Does this look like a youth club?
A bit. Yeah. Sort of.
Could you just move along, please?
Is she serious?
I hope you haven't scuffed my sofa!
Go on, shoo!
Not you, Georgie.
Now, then. Right. Where were we?
Right. Georgie.
Good.
I think we might need to have
a little chat. Oh, God.
Gan-Gan's dead. No.
Why would you think
Then, why are you being weird?
I'm not being weird.
Yes, you are. Is Manus adopted?
No. Wha
Nothing W-Why Manus?
Oh, my God, I'm adopted?!
No. No-one's adopted.
Or dead.
It's more of a personal, um
No, intimate
This is now officially the
weirdest moment of my entire life.
No, it isn't! Stop saying that.
I'm actually being really
cool about this.
About what?!
I would tell you, sweetheart,
if you gave me half a chance
Mum!
I found your condom in the sofa!
OK.
That isn't how I wanted to say that.
Um, I'm not angry, OK?
I think it's absolutely fantastic
that you're using protection Mum.
Yeah. I'm not having sex.
Are you sure?
Course I'm sure!
Yes. OK, yeah.
And you would tell me if you were?
Oh, my God.
Why are you being so weird?!
Georgie!
Yes, fine! Whatever. Can we just
leave it now, please?!
Ugh!
That was so weird.
It wasn't weird.
Yes, it was.
But if it wasn't your condom
then
Mummy.
Are you awake, ChatGPT?
Yes, I'm here
and ready to help.
OK. Good.
Um
Hi, it's me, Anne.
First time user,
and I'd just like to know
the best way
to talk to my teenage son
about sex, please?
Great question.
Don't make the talk
into a major event.
Instead, maybe try smaller,
more open conversations.
Right. Yes, um
..and where would be the best place
for these conversations
to take place?
Why not have the conversation
whilst driving?
It can feel more organic,
and avoids eye contact,
making it easier to discuss
intimate topics.
Yes. Makes sense.
Yeah.
Good. That's a weight off my mind.
Are you still there?
Yes, Anne.
Thank you, ChatGPT.
I hope you sleep well, Anne.
I will.
Goodnight.
Get your 40 winks.
Yes.
Night.
ChatGPT, what's it like in
Vancouver, Canada?
That's a great question, Anne.
Apology, please.
Sorry, Amanda.
No, you say, "What for?"
Well, experience has taught me
it's easier just to say it.
Well, you were wrong.
Someone has taken that cherished
sofa and given it a lovely new home.
Oh.
All right. Still leaves half
of Steptoe's front room, but, um
Don't be such a sour puss.
Is this your shit?
No.
Disgusting, isn't it?
Really brings down the area.
Honestly, some people.
Oh, hold the door, please!
Ah. Mummy.
Just picking up my charger.
Anything else you didn't pick up?
Um, hmm, well, maybe my hairbrush?
No, Mummy.
I mean, did you and coffee man
have sex on my sofa the other night?
Well, the kids were asleep,
so we thought, why not?
Cos it's my sofa!
Well, we didn't think
you'd find out.
How did you find out?
Because I found your condom!
No, you didn't.
Mummy, I can assure you, I
I don't use condoms.
What?! Oh, my God!
Mummy, you should be using condoms.
This is about your sexual health.
Just cos you're too old to get
pregnant, there's still
I'm not too old to get pregnant!
YOU'RE too old to get pregnant!
No, I am not!
How dare
Listen, that is not the issue!
The issue is, Mummy,
you're putting your health at risk.
You could catch an STI.
Oh, look,
I don't have to listen to this.
I'm not going to take sex advice
from my own daughter!
Honestly!
I was having sex
before you were even born!
Of course you were!
That's how it works!
So, er
How is everything? With Georgie.
Or just, er, in general?
With Georgie.
Hmm? Yeah, fine.
Right. OK. Yes.
Oh, God, did you see that there?
That BMW just tried to
slide into the hatched area.
And I wasn't comfortable
with letting him into my
..hatched area.
Um And that's my right.
Because it's very important
to respect the
..hatched area.
Yeah, Dad just pulls out.
Yeah, well, that method
doesn't always work!
Oh, God. Here, would you look?
The back wiper is stuck there.
I'll just be I'll be back
in a second.
OK.
OK.
OK.
So, everything going well
with Georgie?
Yes, I said.
You know, that kind of reminds me
of an experience that I had
that was quite similar to
your own current situation,
which was when I first started
dating your father.
Now, we both started to develop
these urges,
um, all completely natural,
of course,
but a very raw, almost, um,
primal craving
to explore a more
physical side of
Jesus!
Darius!
Darius!
Rise and shine, sleepy head.
So, I thought that we could take
Bobby for a walk along the canal
before football.
We might run into Stephen and Chris.
Bobby loves Chris!
Though he's up in his bum a lot.
Please tell me Chris is a dog.
Yeah, a Mini Schnauze.
And Stephen is a Maltipoo.
What? He's always shitting?
No. He's a Maltese terrier
crossed with a Poodle.
OK, so we have the Crufts option,
or - and hear me out here -
we forget about the dog
and we lie in the bed
till even our teenager
notices we're missing.
Thing is,
if you forget about a big dog,
they tend to do things
like crap in the house.
Hmm. Morten!
What?
Can you walk the dog?
No, he pulled me over outside
of Vantablack the other day
and Jake Phillips saw,
so I'm not doing it. You can.
What's Vantablack?
Who's Jake Phillips?
How long have I been away?!
Bloody ages! Which is why we're
having a nice romantic day together,
which starts with a walk
along the canal and a coffee.
Fiona, I love you, but I literally
travelled for ALL of yesterday,
and until that clock says, "PM",
me and this bed
are a single organism.
Great.
I guess that's me
walking Bobby then.
Grab me a latte!
It wasn't theirs.
The condom. You talked to Georgie?
Yep.
Yeah, we had a real heart to heart.
Oh, thank goodness.
Darius ran a mile when I tried.
An actual mile.
With a quite a bruised thigh.
Oh, er, flat white, whole milk,
and an espresso, please.
I guess that's the difference
with daughters,
you can just talk about
these things.
Yeah, Georgie and I
tell each other everything.
We're more like best friends.
So, yeah, we talked.
And cried.
Then laughed.
And then just
..hugged it out.
And it wasn't weird at all.
Aww.
Yeah. And they're definitely not
No, no. They've yet to enter
that phase of their relationship.
Great. So I don't have to have
the chat with-with Darius?
Of course you do, Anne!
They may not have done it yet,
but it's only a matter of time.
Hi.
It's Anne again.
My sex chat with my son
didn't exactly go very well.
What else could I try, please?
Try looking for a natural
moment to engage with your teen.
Like starting a conversation
based on a TV show you've both seen,
or perhaps a book or a play.
Sorry, what's the Danish?
The Danish are an ethnic group
renowned for
Oh, no, no, sorry. Not you.
..their high quality of life
Oh, thank you.
Are you OK, Mummy?
Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.
Just, you look a bit uncomfortable,
downstairs.
Because you know unsafe sex
leads to STIs.
It's not an STI!
OK.
And I'll thank you
not to make my sexual health
the subject of baseless
tittle-tattle!
If I need medical advice,
I'll call a doctor.
Good. Please do.
And he would doubtless reassure me
that the only irritation
I need to address
is 5'7" with blonde hair.
5'8".
So, whose rubber johnny was it then?
I don't know.
So, literally, a whodunnit.
Shag-atha Christie.
Yes, thank you, Fi.
It's not that funny, Mummy.
So, darling, who's next on the list?
Yeah?
Hey, brah.
Sweetheart, let's put that
away please.
So
I was thinking maybe we could have
a little chat about something.
What's happened? Is Gan-Gan dead?
No. Why would it be that?
She drinks a lot of gin.
Would you like me
to speak to her about that?
It's OK. I'll just start serving her
single measures.
Sorry, does she have you making
OK.
Sweetheart, there's something
I need to ask you, and this is going
to sound ridiculous,
but I just have to check, OK?
I found a condom and
Oh, God. Oh, God!
Are you saying that it was
I think I'm going to be sick.
It wasn't my fault!
They made me do it!
Wait, what? They?!
Ben nicked it off his brother.
We just wanted to see what
it looked like.
Mason blew it up.
We were just messing around!
Oh, Manus! Thank God!
Yeah?
Yes! That's OK!
That's just fine, my darling!
Oh! Mwah! My sweet boy!
Listen, it's completely natural
to be curious
about these kind of things.
And, well
..good to have that little
mystery solved.
Though maybe don't leave things
like that lying around on the sofa.
I flushed it down the toilet.
Amanda Hughes?
Yes. What's this?
Fixed penalty notice.
For fly-tipping.
Oh, no, no. None of that's mine.
Yeah, yeah, that might not be,
but there's a sofa in the park
that we believe is yours.
In the park? Yeah.
Probably local kids took it there,
or drug users.
But since you left it outside
What makes you think it was me?
The doorbell cam.
From over the road.
Pretty conclusive, eh?
Did they report me?
Reports are anonymous.
Well, it's clearly their doorbell.
Reports are anonymous.
�400?! I can't afford �400!
Then I'd get it shifted pronto.
Cos it's going to be 200 quid more
if we have to put it in the van.
Have a good day.
All right, boss?
Yeah? All right.
Hop on it.
Hiya! In here.
What's going on?
You've got your best clobber on.
I'm taking you for lunch
at Miller and Fife,
for the best seafood of your life.
If you weren't married to me.
I've booked The Talbot.
On the river.
Oh, we can go to the pub any day.
What about Bobby?
Well, can't we get, whatshername,
to pop over?
Y'know, the one with all the kids.
What, Anne?
She won't know how to settle him.
Oh, come on! She's raised
about a thousand children.
Look, it's not the same thing, OK?
OK, why are you being so pissy?
I'm not. Yeah, you are.
I've seen actual piss less pissy
than you're being right now.
I just think that you need to
consider the whole family
a bit more when you're back here.
I mean, I'm sure it's different
when you're off on your cruise
or whatever, but
I am not off on a cruise!
I'm working my arse off
FOR my family.
So you'll have to forgive me
if I want to do something more
with my one day off than spending it
at the Caxton with a pie and a pint!
It's called The Talbot and it serves
high-end Thai and doggy ice cream,
which Bobby and I
are very much looking forward to.
Come on, Bobby!
Bobby, come!
Fine!
This is your fault.
Darius?
All right?
Yes! Hi.
Er, I was just about to watch
series one
of Emmy award-winning
Netflix show Sex Education.
It's really good.
Would you like to watch it with
ChatGPT
..am I good mother?
Just asking this question
shows you care deeply
about your role as a mother.
Good mothers are not perfect,
but you are doing a great job.
Thanks, ChatGPT.
Need a hand?
No, thank you, Mal.
Only I've got the van just
parked there, so
I'm fine, thank you, Mal.
Where are you taking it?
I don't know.
I just don't get it, Mal.
It is a good sofa.
I really thought
someone would take it.
Maybe this is its time, yeah?
Come on. I'll take you to the tip.
Thanks, Mal.
I'll get this end.
Oh. Hang on. What's this?
This condom expired six years ago.
So?
So either someone's using
very out-of-date condoms or
What?
Are you sure you've never had sex
on this sofa?
Yes!
I have never had sex on this sofa!
I mean, apart from the one time
..my ex-husband and I
It's Johnny's johnny.
We had break-up sex
in the living room
the day we signed our divorce.
Come on.
You've been sitting on your
ex-husband's condom for six years.
Oh, God!
Can you not laugh?
This is very triggering.
Guys?
I love you. I love you.
I love you, Mums.
Love you, too.
Love you, Morts.
I love you, Bobby.
I love you, Bobby.
I love you, Bobby.
Oh, Bobby!
God! Urgh! Oh, Mum!
Oh, what are you feeding it?
Darius?
It's OK. I give up.
This whole sex chat business,
it's a bloody minefield.
I was just trying to find
the right way to say
make sure you both want it,
use protection and no means no.
But I don't know how a mam's
supposed to say that
to her 16-year-old son.
I mean, you just sorta did.
And don't worry, yeah?
Like, believe it or not,
I can be responsible.
I'm not going to be doing a
rusty trombone in the Asda car park.
All right? OK.
ChatGPT, what's a rusty trombone?
A rusty trombone
is a sex act
where a man stands with
his legs apart while his
This is the sofa I deserve.
I think it's a sofa
for a bigger house.
That's the plan, sweetie.
That's the plan.
Yeah, I'm here. Let's team up
and kill Jacob, yeah?
Oh, Manus, could you get that
before you murder your friend?
Uh! I had to get
the Overground.
Hi, Gan-Gan. Mummy!
Hello, darlings.
Look at the sofa. No?
Just a minute
while I wash it off my hands. Mum.
I was thinking Yes, sweetheart?
..about what you said earlier.
Me and Darius.
Darius and I, yes?
Me and Darius.
And while we're not ready yet,
I was thinking,
maybe I should get some
..protection, just in case.
I think that's a very good thought.
I'll pick you up some condoms.
Thanks, Mum.
And he's not allergic
to latex or anything?
Oh, my God! Why are you so weird?!
I'm not weird!
Well, you no longer need worry
about my downstairs.
I've just been to my lovely lady
in Harley Street Mm?
..and, just as I thought, it is not
a sexually transmitted infection.
Right. It is just fluid
around the hip joint,
which is perfectly normal for a
healthy woman at my time of life.
Ah
So, then, just a simple case
of old age.
Don't you dare!
Listen, if anyone asks,
just say I've got the clap.