Best Medicine (2026) s02e03 Episode Script

1
- [phone ringing]
- [music thumping in distance]
[answering machine]
You've reached Salty Breeze
Oh my God, this is ridiculous.
I have called the Salty Breeze
three times
and nobody's picked up
and that sheriff person
isn't picking up either.
How am I supposed to
file a noise complaint
if nobody picks up their phones?
You know what, I'm going
to have to do this myself.
Okay, let's go.
Where?
To the Salty Breeze.
This assault on my ears
has gone on long enough.
Eden, the last thing
we need to do
is for you to go
over to the Salty Breeze
and shut down karaoke night.
Why is that
the last thing we need?
Well, I just, I mean
The last thing
we need implies that
there's a problem I would
exacerbate by going there.
That is grammatically
correct, yes.
So what are you saying?
I'm saying, I just,
I don't think people
have quite warmed up to you yet.
This is a town
of Aerosmith-singing,
lobster-shucking busybodies.
Who cares if
they've warmed up to me?
[Eden chuckling]
Still, I just think going over
to the Salty Breeze and--
Ah!
I am trying to help you
get over your hemophobia.
I really do appreciate that,
but I, uh, oh, sorry,
I just need a second.
Um. Oh, boy.
I tried
exposure therapy already,
and even when I knew
where the blood was,
it was challenging,
so I think surprising me
may be a bit advanced,
so I just need a little warning.
Well, no one's going to warn you
when they're about to start
bleeding, okay, sweetheart?
- That's a good point.
- [Eden] Yeah.
Now, let's go shut this down
before they
start singing "Free Bird."
They're not going to do that.
Geneva's out of town.
There is
a house in New Orleans ♪
They call the Rising Sun ♪
And it's been the ruin
of many a poor boy ♪
[crowd applauding]
God, I know, I'm the one ♪
You know, I still am not used to
having you as my waitress.
Oh, I kind of love it.
I get
a great supplemental income,
and the lobster rolls,
I get to hang out with
all my favorite people,
plus everyone overtips me,
which is kind of embarrassing,
but also kind of great.
Let me know if you need
anything.
Okay. Thank you.
Hal. You want to practice for
the crate race with me tomorrow?
I actually think I'm just
going to watch this year.
We've been doing this
together since you were six.
- It's our thing.
- You can still do it.
All right. Suit yourself.
Rude.
And God, I know I'm the one ♪
And God, I know I'm the one ♪
And God I know I'm ♪
Well, now we know why
he wasn't answering the phone.
The one ♪
[crowd cheering]
Thank you. I think we all know
who should sing next.
No, I am definitely shutting
this party down.
- Louisa! Louisa! Louisa!
- No, no, I'm working.
Louisa! Louisa!
[crowd cheering]
[man] Yeah, yeah, Louisa! Yeah!
["I Only Want to be With You"
by Dusty Springfield]
I don't know what it is
that makes me love you so ♪
I only know
I never want to let you go ♪
'Cause you started something,
oh, can't you see ♪
That ever since we met,
you've had a hold on me ♪
And it happens to be true ♪
I only want to be with you ♪
It doesn't matter
where you go or what you do ♪
Okay. Vodka.
Whatever crap brand you have.
Neat. Make it a double.
[Louisa] Everybody!
It doesn't matter
what you do ♪
I only want to be with you ♪
And you and you and you
and you and you and you ♪
- and you and all of you ♪
- [crowd cheering]
Oh, it gets me every time.
Who's next?
Me. Me. I am.
I am the next one on the docket.
I don't want you to worry. I am
actually very good at karaoke.
I thought we came here to stop.
I changed my mind.
Eden! Yay!
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Ah.
[Greg] All right, girl doc.
Okay. Yes, I am ready for
whenever the music starts.
["Chattanooga Choo Choo"
by The Andrews Sisters]
Hello, railroad ♪
Is this the railroad ♪
I want a one-way ticket
down to Tennessee ♪
I'm leaving immediately,
Chattanooga, here we come ♪
I can't afford to board
the Chattanooga ♪
Everybody! Choo choo!
- [crowd choo chooing]
- Choo choo!
[Eden] Everyone choo choo.
[crowd gasping]
Well, if anyone
could kill someone
with their singing,
it'd be that one.
[theme music playing]
[Louisa]
What happened? Was it a seizure?
No, if it were,
he'd still be unconscious.
I think he fainted.
I might have had
one too many pale ales.
That would explain the fainting.
Why don't you lay off the IPAs,
hydrate,
and come see me in the morning?
Well, I think that
wraps up karaoke night.
Until next week!
Okay, but no, we don't clap yet,
because I only
got through one verse.
Yeah, but it's getting late.
And we're getting a lot
of noise complaints.
That was you.
[Martin] Are you sure
it wasn't the singing?
Was it Eden's voice that
magically made you faint?
Or this blood test
that shows you're dehydrated?
I gotta go with Eden. I made it
through every other song safely.
[Martin sighing]
Oh, it might be this.
I've been training,
so maybe I overdid it.
Training? Training for what?
For the crate race.
You gotta run across
this train in lobster crates.
I'm familiar with the crate
race. Do you normally exercise?
Well, I'm an accountant,
and I work from home, so.
So walks to and from the fridge?
To be honest,
my desk chair has wheels on it,
so sometimes
I wheel myself to it.
And you decided it was a good
idea to go from being as active
as an area rug to training
all day several days in a row?
Can't rely on muscle memory.
What kind of memories could
your muscles possibly have?
Who else
is training for this race?
Larry Jackson, Burt Large,
that red-headed guy Tim,
ooh, asthmatic Andrew.
There's an all-star lineup.
Anyone in decent health
doing it?
Must be a few.
Half the town's practicing
in the harbor right now.
Well, I can't believe
I'm saying this to a man
who takes transportation
to the refrigerator,
but you need to stop
exerting yourself.
Rest. Drink a lot of water.
And then you need
a regular exercise routine,
and by which,
I mean daily, not annually.
- I meditate.
- Doesn't count.
[Sarah] Way back in the 1970s,
a third-generation lobsterman
invented the lobster crate race
and we do one here in
Port Wenn every year
just to celebrate the industry
that put us on the map.
And this bell back here
gets rung for the winner.
How do you win?
Well, as you can see,
these bozos who were trying
to demonstrate not very well.
The thing you want to do
is the person who gets across
the most crates before falling
into the water is the winner.
What's the most anyone's
ever done?
Well, here in Port Wenn,
the record is 31 crates.
And do you know
who holds that record?
- My daddy?
- A lobster?
Wild guess. Sarah Best.
Yes! I set that record
when I was 15 years old.
And nobody has beat it since.
No one has gone past 30 crates.
Can anybody enter?
- Yeah, it's for everybody.
- Maybe I'll try this year.
You should. That'd be hilarious.
Actually, Peter, I think
you'd be really good at it.
You know, there's an advantage.
Because the lighter you are,
the easier it is.
You just dance
across those crates.
Oh! It's so cold! I think
I think I banged my knee.
Just stop it. All right?
Stop the carnage.
Can't, Doc. The lobster
crate race is next Saturday.
To win, you gotta be able to--
[Martin] Yeah, I know
about the crate race.
And I can't believe you're still
doing it after all these years.
- So great, right?
- [Martin] No.
There's so many ways
that you could get injured.
Splinters, tetanus, drowning.
Not to mention twisted ankles.
Yeah, I know why Eeyore
here wants to stop this race.
As a kid, he was so scared,
he never even made it
to the second crate.
Glendon, why don't you shut it?
And before he fell in,
he peed himself.
He was wet before
he went in the water.
[kids laughing]
That's not what happened.
That's not--
No one peed themselves.
Okay, I'm not
trying to stop the race.
But I am mandating that
everyone who participates
gets a physical first.
Okay. Marty One-Crate.
[Sarah]
Well, Glendon, 16 crates,
you might have won
a couple of these races,
but you never broke my record.
I look forward to seeing you
all at my office soon.
[Hayden] Hey, hey!
Big day Saturday.
Crate race!
You from-aways have no idea
what you're getting into.
You from-heres want to bet?
You've got no chance.
We've been doing this
since we were kids.
Oh, really?
I was on a Japanese game show.
If there's not a giant mallet
trying to knock you off
like a croquet ball,
I'm not worried.
Oh, I saw that video.
200 bucks
says a Port Wenn local wins.
You're on.
Elaine, you should enter.
We should show these boys
how it's done.
Yeah, I, uh,
actually, I don't-- I don't know
if I'm gonna go this year.
I have a thing I have to do.
What could be more important
- than the lobster crate race?
- Nothing.
Plus, it's the last
one before you and Al leave.
I can't
believe you're leaving us.
I can't believe they both are.
What'll we do without you?
Maybe I'll
actually see patients.
Elaine, we have
back-to-back physicals.
I know. Also.
Renee, always such
a nice surprise to see you.
It's gonna be a long
and repetitive day,
so no need
to stay for all of it.
Don't worry about me. I've got
Candy Crush on my phone.
I have no idea what that is,
but I hope it's not distracting.
- No, I can still monitor you.
- To me.
I hope it's
not distracting to me.
Elaine, you need to take
blood and run urine tests.
Obviously, no pregnant women
should take part, okay?
And where
are those intake forms?
Come on, let's go.
Get it together.
[Elaine] When your boss tells
you to get it together,
use your Swingline
classic stapler.
- I, uh
- I don't need to know.
Just send in a patient.
Yes. Patients. Yes.
Well, I guess I'm done here.
Run out of candy to crush?
They add new levels every week.
It gets more
and more challenging,
- and there's really no end.
- Much like your visits.
For your information, I'm giving
you a ten out of ten today.
Another few months of days
like this,
and you'll be free and clear.
Just don't mess up.
Doc? We have three
positive pregnancy tests,
and they're all men.
[Martin] Did you mix up
the urine samples?
No, I'm not stupid.
I just saw you try
to sell a stapler
to an imaginary audience.
I did everything
you asked today.
For efficiency, I just
tested everyone for everything.
Isn't the real question,
why are three men pregnant?
A positive pregnancy test
for a man could
mean testicular cancer.
Why is there
so little in their files?
They're all from-aways.
They all work at
the only processing plant.
So, this date tonight,
anyone I know?
Definitely not.
I thought I'd cast a wider net.
I'm going to Millbridge.
Thought it would be nice
to maybe find somebody
who hasn't already met my ma.
I'm going to
Millbridge tonight, too.
No way.
What are you doing over there?
Just meeting a friend.
Oh.
Actually,
I also have a date there.
- Well, why did you say so?
- I just wasn't sure.
I'm happy for you.
- I'm happy for you.
- I knew you would be.
Honestly, I might cancel.
Elaine convinced me
to try online dating,
but I just,
it's such a long drive.
Why not tell him to come here?
Because then he would have
the long drive,
and I don't want to feel guilty
ending the date early
if it's not going well.
Hey, maybe we should carpool.
Or would that be weird?
Yeah,
that would be a lot weirder.
- Don't you think?
- Totally.
It might be kind of weird.
For you, maybe.
I don't think so.
I'd be fine with it.
We're buds now.
Are you for real?
You need another urine sample?
It's just a precaution.
There was an issue
with some tests today.
Dude, I had an easier time
qualifying for
the kamikaze challenge,
and people
lost limbs on that show.
That one guy with the kneecap?
Listen, dudes,
as delightful as it is
watching you remove these
sea urchins gonads,
I'm only here because
I'm concerned about your health,
so drop your new samples off
at my office today.
Wait, these are their balls?
[Peter grunting]
It's harder
than it looks, right?
I couldn't even get past
three crates.
Maybe you could coach me.
No, sorry, can't.
Can you just give me
some pointers?
No, I can't.
Kids in my class already
pick on me for everything.
If I win this,
maybe they'll finally stop.
And if it goes horribly wrong,
I don't want to be responsible
for that.
Maybe it's just not your thing.
[Peter]
It's the only thing left.
I won a spelling bee once,
but the word was on "asinine,"
so I still got teased.
[sighing] This has to be
my thing. Yeah, come on.
[water splashing]
[Peter grunting]
Fine, okay.
Rule number one, the slower
you go, the faster you fall.
- [Louisa] I'm sweating.
- [Mark] Louisa, is that him?
- What?
- The gentleman right there
in the sweater vest?
Uh, he looked a lot younger
in his pictures and said
he was 5 '11", so probably.
Oh. Oh, wait.
I, um, I think I see him.
Wait, does
he look like his picture?
Uh, no,
he looks better, actually.
I'm gonna let him go in first
so I can make an entrance.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah. Good idea. Very smart.
- Louisa?
- Oh, hello.
Yes, hi, it's me.
You must be Alec.
That or some random man
who just guessed your name.
- Oh. [laughing]
- Stop, bro.
I just, um,
you know, just caught a ride.
Bye, friend.
You're gonna rock this.
Thank you.
Elaine, have those men
dropped off their urine samples?
- Nope.
- How hard is it to pee in a cup?
You know, for the ladies,
it's actually not that easy
- because you have to guess--
- Nope.
- if it's gonna get-- No?
- Nope. Mm-mm.
Hi. What are you doing here?
I just need doc to sign off
on these medical records
for Columbia, so can
I just leave them with you?
Sure.
It's pretty straightforward.
It shouldn't take very long
if you want to stick around.
Post-its. Why not stick around?
Good, right?
That's so good.
I'm making a reel
so that I can get
a commercial agent in New York.
- Fantastic.
- [Al] Ooh, I heard you can make
a lot
of money doing commercials.
I may not be a fancy actress
like Jennifer Lawrence,
but I could
be Flo from Progressive.
Flo from what?
You know what? Never mind.
Al, we have
your vaccination records.
The only thing that's left
on this is
your family history form.
Well, my mom isn't around.
My dad isn't my dad, so
your guess is as good as mine.
Al, no offense,
but this is getting kind of old.
Bert is your dad. Can you
just make up with him already?
I'll sign it, okay?
And then Elaine can help you
fill out the rest.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go find some men
and get them to urinate.
They usually go to the Salty
Breeze after work.
Elaine, I don't think you
understand what it's like
to be lied to your whole life,
to find out that
you don't have a real dad.
I don't understand?
No, I understand.
You're the one
that doesn't understand.
- What don't I understand?
- Anything.
[Elaine sighing]
Yeah.
I-- I-- I love that
you wanted to share entrees.
It's so much better because
then you don't have to decide.
- You don't have to decide.
- Exactly.
[Louisa laughing]
So tell me,
how is someone as beautiful,
fun and smart as you
still single?
Have you ever been married?
Never been married.
How about you?
- I'm divorced.
- Okay.
Yeah. In fact, full disclosure,
I've been married twice.
Yeah. I rarely admit it.
It's so embarrassing,
just already
No, no, no. I--
I actually love that you feel
you can be honest with me.
I love that I want
to be honest with you.
- And you can be honest with me.
- I love that, too.
Okay. So, honestly,
do you want kids?
I do.
Great. So do I.
- Yay.
- [both laughing]
In fact, if I'm being honest,
I am currently
trying to get pregnant.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah.
I was told that
my window was closing,
so I decided
to do IVF on my own.
Now-- now,
while-- while you're dating?
Uh-huh. I-- I just
did the procedure
where they harvest my eggs,
but don't worry.
They haven't
been fertilized yet.
If you want to get in on this
You don't have to.
Yeah, that's really weird,
doing IVF while you're dating.
Yeah, when I,
uh, heard it out loud,
I guess it
did sound like not great.
- Yeah, yeah. No, it's weird.
- Yeah.
Weirder than two failed
marriages under the age of 40.
See? Now, you're
making me mean. [chuckling]
This was a terrible idea.
Um, so, uh, I actually,
um, can't leave yet
because I carpooled here
with my ex-fiancé.
Yeah, of course you did.
Should we have dessert?
[Blake] We gotta
find another bar around here.
This place don't got
the vibes I'm looking for.
Hi. I heard you might be here.
Do we need a physical
to get a beer in this town?
No, you don't,
but I did bring these.
Now, would you like
directions to the men's room?
Sorry, I just
peed fresh out, so
Fresh out, so.
Plus, we want to get out of
here before the karaoke starts.
There's no karaoke tonight.
Um
Is there? Is there?
Let me check it out. Just
Look, I have been
trying not to alarm you,
but if I could just talk
to you individually.
Whatever you need to say,
you can just say it
- in front of all of us.
- We're family, bro.
Fine.
It's possible, based on
your original urine tests,
you all have testicular cancer.
Now, I don't know how or why
there are three cases happening
all at the same time yet,
but I don't think it's
asking too much
for you to pee in a damn cup.
- Nah, I'm good.
- Yeah.
Thanks for
telling us now, though.
- Yeah. Later.
- We appreciate it, buddy.
Later? I just told you,
you might have cancer.
You know what? Fine.
If you're not gonna give me
the urine samples,
then you know what I have to do?
I'm gonna have
to examine your balls.
- Um.
- No.
One at a time. Right now.
In the bathroom.
This is a weird town
and you're a weird dude.
Karaoke is Sunday nights only.
People were upset that
we ended early
and they
couldn't sing their song.
- It's only fair.
- I was one of those people.
I did not get to finish my song,
and that song always kills.
We know. Please don't sing.
I like to get home
to watch my kids grow old.
Then you should
watch your cholesterol.
All right? That steak will kill
you before anything else does.
Let's just get dinner to go.
No. I would like
a second chance.
[George]
And we'd like to give you one.
But it takes the ambulances
a long time to get here.
Come on.
Eden is making an effort.
I'm still recovering
from the last time
she made an effort.
[all laughing]
Oh, excuse me. Can you all
just-- Excuse me.
You know-- Excuse me.
Eden's singing did not
cause anyone to faint.
Ooh.
You know,
for a town that prides itself
on kindness and acceptance,
you're not being very
welcoming to my girlfriend.
I don't appreciate that.
You're absolutely right, Martin.
Go ahead, Eden.
Sing your song.
- Eden. Eden.
- Everyone. Eden.
- Eden. Eden.
- Come on, everybody.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- [Greg] Come on, everyone.
- Eden, Eden, Eden.
- Come on.
Eden, Eden.
["Chattanooga Choo Choo"
by The Andrews Sisters]
Hello, railroad ♪
Is this the railroad ♪
I want a one-way ticket
down to Tennessee ♪
I'm leaving immediately ♪
Chattanooga, here I come ♪
Pardon me, boy, hey, boy ♪
The Chattanooga choo choo ♪
Choo choo!
Track 29 ♪
Boy,
you can give me a shine. ♪
Oh. Oh, no.
Lorenzo, you consumed
any alcohol tonight?
No. I only had water.
You resting?
Even a chair ride
to the refrigerator?
I stayed in bed all day. I drank
water. I stopped training.
I did everything you said, Doc.
It's not overexertion,
alcohol or dehydration.
What could be causing it?
- Eden's singing.
- Oh my God, it's not my singing.
It's not her singing!
Look, you have fainted twice
in two days.
It could be a heart arrhythmia
or early warning signs
of a heart attack.
I think you
need to go to a hospital.
- I hate hospitals.
- I know, I know.
All the curing and
the life-saving,
they're horrible.
Look, I can't force you
to do it,
but if you don't want to,
then you're
gonna have to come see me
for an EKG as soon as possible.
Okay.
[Mark] So, how was it?
Uh, it-- Terrible.
- [Mark] Hm.
- How was yours?
Also terrible.
- Really?
- What happened?
He seemed like such a good guy.
[sighing]
I think I underestimated
how weird
it might be for someone
to hear on a first date
that I might be pregnant
before the second.
It's certainly an icebreaker.
[Mark laughing]
Why was yours so awful?
Um, like, you know, the uzh.
Are you just trying to
make me feel better?
- Yes.
- [both laughing]
Actually, it was okay.
I mean, we didn't have
anything in common,
but the sex was awesome.
You already slept with her?
It was her idea.
She felt bad
I had to drive so far.
[both laughing]
I find it very strange
that three men may
have testicular cancer
and they don't
seem to care at all.
Well, you can lead
a horse to a urinal.
I may be able
to do more than that.
If the lab still
has their blood samples,
serum hCG test
could detect cancer.
All they have to do is test
the samples they already have.
Uh, thank you for standing up
for me tonight.
Oh, you're welcome.
I said I don't care
if people warmed up to me,
- but, um
- It's not true.
No, it is not.
I, and I know this
is hard to believe,
but I was
a very different child.
I wasn't fun.
Didn't have many friends.
And I pretend that I don't
care what people think about me,
but, um, I-- I do.
Hm.
First summer I was here,
I tried the lobster crate race.
It's where you run onto the
You know, it doesn't matter.
I was petrified.
- Oh.
- Afraid of
looking stupid or failing,
but I forced myself
to do it and
It was better than you thought?
No, it was one of
the worst days of my life.
- Ah.
- I was so scared, I wet myself.
All the kids were laughing at me
and I fell
in the water immediately.
I swear I could still hear them
and I didn't want to swim
to the surface.
You know,
spontaneous micturition
is very normal in children.
Yeah.
On your mark, get set, go!
That's a good boy.
You're okay. Start again.
Stay in the middle, stay in
the middle, stay in the middle.
Well, is it starting
to feel good?
- Yeah! That's my boy!
- Yes.
Ah, ah. Here you go! Come on!
Well, ouch.
You get a splinter?
Don't think about it.
Think that you're running
like on the road.
- That's your road to success!
- Yeah!
Five! He's at ten!
16, 20! There you go, my boy!
25!
28?
[whispering] 30.
I can't believe it!
I got to 30!
I almost beat your record!
- I know.
- I-- I was almost the GOAT!
I've never felt that way before.
I think it's confidence?
But then I messed up at thirty.
Well, you know, you don't have
to be the greatest of all time.
All you have to do is be
the greatest this Saturday.
And you know, the lobster crate
race is not just about winning.
What else is it about?
Well, you know what people say.
The effort.
Knowing you did your best.
That's what people say when
you're not good at something.
Believe me, I know.
There's nothing concerning
for arrhythmia or heart attack.
There isn't?
An EKG is not bulletproof.
You need to see a specialist
in Bar Harbor for a stress echo
and a CTPA as soon as possible.
Maybe I just need
to avoid H-E-R.
- [Lorenzo chuckling]
- Lorenzo, that's not funny.
Lorenzo.
I was hoping this would
get cleared up with the EKG,
but you know, it really didn't.
So, I'd like to sing to him.
- What? No!
- I don't think that's necessary.
You are in the presence of two
world-class doctors, Lorenzo.
I was fine with just the one.
I'd like to get this settled
before I head back to Boston.
I'm not gonna die
just so you can make
your girlfriend feel better!
- I'm outta here!
- Lorenzo! Lorenzo!
Would you
just let me sing to you?
Pardon me, boy ♪
Ah, I'm dying!
You're literally killing people.
[Copernicus whimpering]
Oh, everyone's a comedian, okay.
Elaine, did we get the new
lab results for those idiot men?
Pregnant men? Yes. They
all have HCG levels of zero.
Which means
they don't have cancer.
- That's good news, isn't it?
- It is.
But why would three men
in one town have blood results
that don't match
their urine results?
So whose pee was it?
- My pee.
- It was mine.
No, it was definitely mine.
I peed a lot.
- All of us.
- I had to pee.
My own pee.
I think your samples
all came from one person.
And it's not any of you
because I was able to determine
without your help
that you are all cancer-free.
But you were never worried,
were you?
Because it was never your urine.
Hey, we want to stay
out of this, man.
[Blake] I probably--
Just zip it.
Whose pee did you use
for the urine test?
It was mine, okay?
I gave them my pee to use for
their physicals. You caught me.
Are you happy?
[Martin]
Are you sure it was yours?
Yes. Why would I lie about that?
Well, why would you tell three
employees to use your urine?
Because maybe they smoke
more than cigarettes
on their smoke breaks, okay?
And if it ends up getting
flagged in their files
that they
tested positive for drugs,
they would lose their job.
And I would lose my workers.
They might
shut my facility down.
So let it go.
It's just a crate race.
The thing is, your urine tested
positive in a pregnancy test.
You're hilarious.
- Goodbye.
- No, no. Listen to me.
For reasons I will not get into,
all the urine yesterday
was tested for pregnancy.
And a positive pregnancy
test for a man
could indicate
testicular cancer.
So I'd like you to go to
Bar Harbor for more testing.
You're a scaredy-cat doctor
who's afraid of blood.
You don't know what
you're talking about.
You'll just say anything
to get to me, won't you,
Dr. Pees himself?
Hey. You want to go to the crate
race with me on Saturday?
Or are we still fighting about
whatever it is
we were fighting about?
I'm not going to the crate race.
Just tell me.
Can you tell me what I did?
You can-- you can give it to me.
Saturday is the seventh
anniversary of my dad's death.
Oh.
And I was complaining about not
having a dad when
I kind of do.
No, not kind of, Al.
Bert's your dad!
He loves you. And he raised you.
And he's been begging you
to forgive him for months.
He's your dad.
What are you going to do
for his anniversary?
Normally,
my mom and I mark the day
with root beer floats,
which was his favorite.
And we look at pictures
and we tell stories,
but she hasn't even called me
about it this year.
She's probably going to be
with Dum Dum at the crate race,
not even caring.
Well, you know who won't
be with Dum Dum
at the crate race not caring?
Me.
And I would love to have
root beer floats with you
and listen to you tell stories
about your dad.
No, you should go to
the crate race with your dad.
Ugh. All right.
Sarah Best!
What the hell are you doing?
What the hell are you doing?
Night fishing without a permit?
Oh, I got a permit.
Oh, well, then carry on.
What are you
doing with that crate?
Nothing. Nothing at all,
you crusty old windbag.
I think you are rigging the race
to protect your precious record.
I'm not rigging it.
I'm un-rigging it.
- Come again?
- [Sarah] Well, I may have made
the 30th crate slightly
unstable in the past.
You mean for the past 50 years?
What's done is done.
I'm making it right now.
Oh, my God. She's suddenly
got a conscience.
[Sarah] No, I don't.
I liked having my record.
I plan to die with my record.
But there's this damn kid,
Peter Cronk.
He deserves a fair shot.
Sarah, are you ready to go?
Aunt Sarah?
What?
You told me to be here at 12:30.
- Is it 12:30 now?
- Mm-hmm.
- Do you want to wait in the car?
- No.
I don't want to wait in the car.
Do you have coffee?
Hey, Cuddle butt!
I can't find my socks.
Oh, hiya, Doc.
I didn't know anyone was here.
Don't look so shocked.
Have a life. I got needs.
I don't want
to hear about your needs.
Or see your needs.
Do you want to wait in the car?
I told you to meet me at 12:30.
- Hey, I could just leave.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I'm leaving, okay? I'm leaving.
I don't even want to go to
this stupid crate race anyway.
- You can go alone.
- [Sarah] No, no, no, no, no.
- Please. Martin, wait.
- What?
I-- I
I want to apologize.
It's too late, okay?
I can't unsee that.
No, not that.
Come on, you're a doctor.
Get over it. But, Martin, I
I know you didn't want to go
to the crate races that summer,
after
After Rosemary,
and I just pushed.
Not only pushed to make you go,
but compete
because I had been so fond of
that in my own memories.
And I thought
that Port Wenn and the community
would help to heal you.
But it was
just the exact opposite.
You just completely withdrew.
And then
you wouldn't do anything.
Just read your books, didn't
want to be on the boat with me.
And I know that now.
It's probably why you just
hate all these town festivities.
Jeez, it's not--
I-- I barely remember.
Do you want a ride
to the crate race
or are you going to
go with Eddie McChesthair?
I-- That's-- He's just a nooner.
Please never say that again.
I want to go with you.
And I'm happy you're going.
Okay, I'm only going
in case someone gets hurt,
which they will,
because this is a ridiculously
stupid and dangerous idea.
Much like having sex over 70.
Please hurry.
They're both fun.
[Elaine] [sighing] Thanks.
Can you make
one more of those, Greg?
I love that one of you two.
[both chuckling]
It's a good one.
- Aw.
- [both laughing]
[people shouting]
Seven crates.
[man] Easy, easy, easy.
[crowd gasping and applauding]
This is gonna be good.
And nine crates. for Bert Large.
Good on you, Bert.
[whistling]
Nine crates. Not bad.
You made it.
Of course I made it, Dad.
It's our thing.
[Bert inhaling deeply
and exhaling]
And now,
the baddie with the badge,
our very own,
Sheriff Mark Mylow!
Show us your stuff, Mark.
[crowd cheering]
[Mark grunting]
[indistinct].
Go!
[crowd] Ah!
Well, not his best effort,
but still at 15 crates,
that puts Mark in first place.
Not for long.
That's right, because I'm
up next, baby. Let's go.
- [crowd booing]
- Come on, Kenji.
Show 'em what from-aways do.
Come on.
- Kenji, Kenji, Kenji, Kenji!
- You got it, you got it.
- [Blake] Woo!
- [Hayden] That a boy!
All right, [indistinct].
That was
Kenzie Wan with 21 crates,
which puts him ahead
of Mark Mylow.
That'd be $200.
This race ain't over yet.
We still got some powerhouses.
And now, first time challenger,
Peter Cronk.
Is he one of them?
- All right, Peter,
- where's his floaties?
Yeah.
I got this.
Just dance across the crates.
And he's off like a rocket.
10. 15. Oh.
22. He's. He's in
the lead. 26. Oh, he's--
Oh. And he's in at 26,
But still, he's in the lead.
Peter Cronk in first place.
[crowd] Yeah, Peter!
You go, buddy!
I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you, huh?
How about this boy?
[Mark] Good job.
And last and least, because
he was last year's winner
and my least favorite,
Glendon Ross.
Put on a little weight
this year, did you, Glendon?
Wuh-whoa. Glendon Ross
has weaseled his way
into first position
with 28 crates.
In second place is Peter Cronk.
And in third place, Kenji Wan.
So sorry, Sheriff. So sorry.
And now,
if there are no more entrants,
we're going to go to Lorenzo,
who couldn't participate
this year,
who is going
to ring the victory bell.
[bell ringing]
Excuse me.
[crowd murmuring]
He doesn't have a pulse.
His heart stopped.
Mark called 9-1-1.
[Lorenzo gasping]
Hold on. He's breathing.
Still no pulse.
But he has a pulse on this side.
Why only on this side?
Wait. I know what's happening.
He has a totally occluded
artery on one side,
which means he only has
one working carotid
bringing blood to the brain.
And it must be getting kinked
like a hose every time
he does the choo choo motion.
Which is
the same motion required
to ring the victory bell.
Mark, we need to get him
to Bar Harbor immediately
for a possible endarterectomy.
Paramedics are on their way.
Now, the most important thing--
It wasn't Eden singing.
I was gonna say
is that we caught it in time
to save his life,
but that is also very important.
[siren wailing]
I know it's scary,
but the longer you wait,
the worse it could be.
You don't have to see me,
but you should see someone.
I just won the crate race.
Does that sound
like someone who's sick?
You're the one who's sick.
You're afraid of everything,
from crate races to blood.
I'll tell you what.
I beat you
in the crate race right now,
you go to Bar Harbor
for testing.
If you win,
you can do what you want.
[Glendon laughing]
Like that would ever happen.
Yeah, sure. I'll take that bet.
[Sarah] And in
a surprising turn of events,
we have one more crate racer.
My nephew, Martin Best.
Go, Martin.
Show us how it's done.
[crowd applauding]
[Peter] Go, go fast!
The trick is to run so fast,
you barely touch the crates.
The sun has gone down
and the moon has come up ♪
And long ago,
somebody left with the cup ♪
But he's striving and driving
and hugging the turns ♪
And thinking of someone
for whom he still burns ♪
'Cause he's going
the distance ♪
[Sarah]
He's off. Go, Martin, go!
Go, go, go, go, go!
- She's all alone ♪
- All alone ♪
All alone in time of need ♪
Because he's racing ♪
And facing
and plotting the course ♪
He's fighting and binding
and riding on his horse ♪
Ten!
He's racing and pacing
and plotting the course ♪
[Sarah] 15!
20!
Go, go, go, Martin, go!
25, 28, woo!
32!
Oh! And he's in the water.
Woo!
But he's taken first place
and broken record at 32 crates.
Woo!
And the final results
of this year's Port Wenn
lobster crate races:
hot shot rookie
Peter Cronk in third place,
second place goes to
Glendon Ross, whatever,
and first place
goes to Martin Best!
- Yay!
- [bell ringing]
Woo!
Oh, my God.
You did it! Oh, my God.
- Dr. Best, you're a GOAT!
- I'm a what?
Not a goat, the GOAT.
You beat
your Aunt Sarah's record!
You bastard.
Sorry about that.
Okay. I'll see a doctor.
- Give it up for Dr. B!
- [crowd cheering]
Good job, buddy.
21 crates?
Only guy to beat you
was this guy right here.
[crowd cheering]
[knocking on door]
Well, you were right.
I'm pregnant.
- What stage?
- One.
He said it was good
we caught it early.
Glendon
if you need anything,
let me know.
I need for you to know.
You got lucky Saturday.
Water was way calmer.
Wind at your back.
It's a big difference.
I'm the GOAT.
[theme song playing]