Daddy Issues (2024) s02e03 Episode Script

1
PHONE VIBRATES
Try and keep him up here.
And that.
Sadie
Oh, fucking hell.
PHONE VIBRATES
Go away!
Ah!
Not a fan of the squishy banana,
then?
Sadie!
PHONE VIBRATES
You look like you could do
with a break.
Had a lovely rest when I had that
filling done last month,
so I'm all good.
Well, I've got a surprise for you!
Have you booked me in
for a root canal?
The three of us are going away
for the weekend.
What?!
Dad!
PHONE VIBRATES
For God's sake!
Who is this? What do you want?
Gem?
Grandad Jackie?
You still living in that
little flat, ground floor?
Yeah. Why?
KNOCK AT DOOR
Gemma!
-Grandad.
-Dad?
Ugh, Malcolm.
Have you put on weight, son?
So, er, why are you back, Dad?
Finally made your way through
all the women in the Costa Brava?
I'm on the run
from the Spanish mafia
after getting myself mixed up
in a casino heist.
I wanted to see my beautiful
great-granddaughter!
Yes, I did! Yes, I did!
Dad, I think I'm going to move
these boxes,
cos I don't want them
falling on Sadie, you know.
Is that all right with you?
Don't be so bloody wet, Malcolm.
I need to keep them here
because there's no room
in that tiny little
wank pad I'm renting.
Oh, well, you can borrow the flat
when we go away. Oh
Away?
We're just, er You know,
just having a bit of a break.
-You know, just
-Where are we going?
No, there's not a lot of room, Dad,
you know, so we're just
HE COUGHS VIOLENTLY
Sorry
CONTINUES COUGHING
I-I'll be fine on my own.
Could you just give me my bag?
-Yeah.
-I need my pills.
There you go, Grandad.
Thanks.
SHE WHISPERS: Dad! Is it really such
a bad idea him coming with us?
Yes, it's the worst idea
you've ever had.
OK, OK, God, I'll just
-I'll think about it, all right?
-OK.
No, that tea's stone-cold.
Hey, let me get you some water, Dad.
Water's disgusting, Malcy.
I'm not wasting the last years
of my life drinking water.
Grandad, water's not disgusting.
It doesn't taste of anything.
It's water.
Disgusting.
You staying for dinner?
Depends who's cooking.
Mrs Malcy?
No chance.
Hey!
Dad actually makes really
normal food these days.
I could rattle up a spanakopita.
I don't know what the fuck that is,
Malcolm, but I am not eating it.
So what's the deal with the boxes?
It's a new business venture.
Europe's old news - I'm exploring
the UK market once again.
Actually, I was wondering
if you might like to come in
on this one, Malcy.
I've always thought we'd make
great business partners.
Me?
Hm.
Yeah, well, I
could be interested.
Dad, you don't even know what it is!
Well, it doesn't matter, does it?
What is it?
It's an energy drink for ladies
called
Shoes.
Why is it called Shoes?
Ladies like shoes, don't they?
-Ah.
-You see, you buy all these cans from me,
becoming the key member of
my sales team,
and you sell them
on again at a profit,
and I get some of your money,
and you get paid by your sales team
when they sell them on again.
Wouldn't it easier just to
sell it to a shop?
No. No, Malcolm, never.
You must never, ever
sell them to a shop.
Oh, OK, yeah.
You sell them to someone else,
and they sell them to someone else,
and that's how we get paid.
So it's a pyramid scheme?
Shh. I'm about to reel him in.
Well, how much do you need?
Dad! No.
And you
He said he's here to see Sadie,
but I know there's another reason.
Do you think he, er
killed someone?
No. He's not you.
It'll be about a woman
or a business deal.
Or both.
Oh You think he hasn't paid up
on an "indecent proposal"?
I bet he owes a gangster 5,000 quid
for shagging his wife.
CATHERINE GASPS
Oh!
Hey, get him to visit me.
Oh, Grandad was always my favourite.
Course he was. He's a conman.
As the only other criminal
in the family,
I can see why you guys
have a lot in common.
Hey, I bet Dad's not happy,
though, is he?
No.
He locked himself in the loo
for two hours the other day
after Grandad smeared baby food
on the back of his trousers
then told next door
that he'd shit his pants.
Oh, that's hilarious.
Dad's booked us a holiday, though.
It's really sweet.
Bet it's the caravan park!
It won't be the caravan park.
SEAGULLS SQUAWK
You and Catherine used to love
coming here when you were kids.
Mm-hm.
And Grandad brought
me and Jess once, yeah,
with his "friend", Lorraine,
from the bookies.
And her sister.
JACKIE CHUCKLES
Look at that view.
Name me a hotel anywhere
in the world
with a better view than this.
-There isn't one.
-There isn't one.
If we had the weather, this place'd
be full of fucking Ruskis.
Right, let's have a look
at the luxury accommodation
-you've booked.
-OK.
DOGS BARK
HE SNIFFS
Has something died in here?
Oh, it just needs a bit of air in,
doesn't it, eh?
Crack a window open.
Here we go.
Oh, God, maybe not that one.
So I thought, er, Sadie and Gemma
could have the mah-ster bedroom.
-Eh?
-The master?
Yeah. It's in here. Look.
And, Dad, you and me are in here.
Yeah. It'll be all right.
Yeah, it's cosy, innit?
Ah, lovely work, Malcy.
Looked bigger on the website,
but, er
One knife
one frying pan,
and no tin opener.
Sorry.
Oh, no, Dad, it's brilliant.
SADIE BABBLES
Yeah, it's Sadie's first holiday!
-It is, isn't it?
-It's your first holiday, Sadie!
First holiday with Grandad,
is it, yes?
-Oh
-Oh, OK.
JACKIE LAUGHS
-Give her here.
-Sorry.
You go change your top.
Yeah, erm, the thing is
You know, there wasn't room
in the car
once we got all Sadie's stuff in,
so I didn't pack a case.
You know, I haven't got
a change of clothes.
Nothing? Not even pants?
Yeah, I've got pants, obviously!
Got pants, got socks.
And I've got me toothbrush - look.
I just need to remember to
scrub my smalls in the morning.
Not with the toothbrush, though, eh?
Come on, Dad.
OK, I'll put tea on, shall I?
-Hello!
-Egg on toast?
Yeah.
Nope. Egg on egg?
Oh, look, I'll tell you what,
why don't we
Why don't we go
to the restaurant, eh?
Yeah, look, it says here
that it, er
"often serves food."
HE COOS TO BABY
Don't make eye contact.
Oh, it smells good, don't it?
This place is buzzing.
Oh, my God, what are they cleaning
these tables with, Ribena?
This one's good.
OK, this one's good.
Ooh. Right, well
Are you ready to order?
Yeah. Shall we just do
three fish and chips?
And I'll have a coke.
Oh, yeah, me too, thanks.
Me also.
With two double whiskies
poured right on in.
What d'you think of her, Malcy?
Eh?
Oh, she seemed courteous
and efficient.
Now, that was suspiciously quick.
Erm, may I inquire
as to what is this?
A plum.
A what?
A plum.
It's a type of fruit.
Yeah, we know what a plum is.
Why's it on the same plate
as fish and chips?
Do you want me to get
the cook out here?
Because she's just spent
the last hour crying,
and this will just finish her off.
Is she as feisty as you?
That's for you, charmer.
LAUGHTER
Hey, Dad, er, time to say goodnight,
eh? This is us.
Yeah, I'll be staying somewhere else
tonight, son,
give you some space.
Snuck the shag wagon keys
out of reception!
-Eh?
-Come on!
THEY LAUGH
Right next door - handy!
I hope these are soundproof.
Jackie!
-Oh, Jackie!
-Ahh
Oh, Christ alive!
Oh, Jackie!
Oh!
KIDS SHOU
Will you fucking kids stop
pissing in the kitchen sink
while your dad's in the shower?
If you can't hold it,
do it out the door!
Hey.
You sleep OK?
Yeah.
Yeah, you know, eventually.
-He can go a long time.
-Yeah.
He's got a condition.
He tried to tell me about it once,
but I just blocked it out,
you know.
Before he gets back, do you think
you should speak to him?
About what?
About how mean he is to you?
Oh, no, no, we don't need
to do that, do we?
You're having a good time,
aren't you, love?
Brilliant.
PHONE RINGS
What?
The holiday's a disaster.
-Gemma hates it.
-Yeah, of course she does.
It's off-season at
a caravan park, Malcolm.
Yeah, well, I need you here
to make it fun, don't I?
-Please.
-Is there an arcade?
Yeah. Yeah, there's an arcade.
Definitely not coming.
I can't do arcades.
Well, I don't think you have to go
to the arcade if you don't want to!
Although, granted, I've not read
the whole park rule book.
No.
Oh, God!
So when you going to boot
the useless dickhead out your flat?
What?
A beautiful, smart young woman
like you,
whole world her oyster, shouldn't
be shacked up with her old man.
Yeah, well I've got a baby.
Just don't let that become
an excuse.
Oh, pedalo trip's off, I'm afraid.
Sewage spillage.
But I have found a shop
that sells only purple items.
-No.
-Eh? Well, how about this?
Er, the "fabulous coaster museum".
-I think I'll take Sadie to the soft play.
-OK.
Yeah, I think I'm going to go and
watch some snooker in the clubhouse.
Good idea.
Oh, listen, if, erm
you know, thingy comes knocking,
just tell her I've had
a change of heart.
She'll accept it from you.
You've got very feminine energy.
Sadie!
Mummy's just over here, OK, Sadie?
It's meant to freezing all weekend.
Thank God for this place, eh?
I know.
I don't think they've updated it
since the '90s.
Who the fuck is McHammer?
You know, they still end
the talent show
with everyone singing No Limits,
and even that was a dated reference
when I was little.
Oh, my God. You came here
as a kid too?
Mm.
It was miserable. Charmaine.
Gemma. My dad booked this.
I honestly think he has
Stockholm Syndrome.
-He truly remembers us having a great time.
-Yeah -
my mum LOVES this place,
especially the talent show.
God, I wanted one of those
talent show trophies
so much when I was little.
Well, I can't imagine you would have
had much competition.
What's your talent?
Oh, no, I didn't want to win it.
I just wanted it.
-For doing nothing? -Yeah.
-Oh! My kind of woman!
Here, Sadie.
Up we go!
Home sweet home.
Oh, God.
Don't worry, Gemma,
I've come to save you from this
fucking dreadful holiday.
Derek's brought us a gift.
Well, thank
you, but you cannot stay here.
Obviously don't want to.
Malcolm stinks of baby sick
and wet socks.
Oh! Yes to both of those.
You've got to admit,
he's got a great nose.
Did you manage to go and pick me up
some clean clothes?
-I'm not your fucking handmaiden, Malcolm.
-All right.
Yep. As there's nothing else to do,
I thought that we could get Sadie
addicted to the slotties
nice and early.
I told you - I don't do arcades.
Oh, yeah. He doesn't do arcades.
But why? Is it the lights?
The noises?
The eroticism?
The grabbers.
Oh, no.
No. No. No. No!
Malcolm, you've got about 30 seconds
to knock me out, mate.
Well, I'm not going to do that,
am I?
DEREK GROANS
Then you can only hold yourself to
blame for what's about to happen.
Well Er
I think that's enough now, mate, eh?
I mean, you've been here
for three hours.
It's never enough, Malcolm.
That's the problem with
the grabbers, isn't it?
Well, Sadie has 15 toys now,
so I think that's enough.
Arguably too many.
Why are we watching this jackass
playing on the grabber?
Oh, Dad, this is Derek,
he's my friend.
-Best friend.
-Yeah, best friend.
Yeah, fuck you, Platypus.
Fuck you right back into the egg
from which you were hatched.
-Ow!
-Oh, my God.
Derek, I've got an
investment opportunity
that is targeted at the
sophisticated gentleman.
Ha! Malc's not interested, then!
I'm looking for five smart
chaps to come on the sales team
for my new energy drink for ladies.
Grandad! No.
Well, he's obviously a moron.
Hey! Oh, sorry, are you talking
about him or me?
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
You're all making me
lose concentration.
Oh! I've got a surprise
for you, though.
Might turn this holiday around.
What is it?
-I've entered you for the talent contest.
-Dad, why?
Well, cos you always wanted
one of those little trophies
-they give out, didn't you?
-Yeah, I wanted one,
but I didn't want to
have to do anything to get it.
Come on, Gem, eh?
It might be fun, eh?
17 18.
Calm down!
Has anyone got a pound?
-No!
-Has anybody got a pound?!
Fuck! Oh!
Mate, I've been looking for you.
You all right?
Hey, mate.
Have you've been here all night?
I thought they closed at 11.
They do.
I just hid in that tiny children's
bus over there,
just, erm, watching the grabbers -
strategising -
until they came and turned
the power back on.
HE CHUCKLES
It's probably enough now, eh?
Look, you've got loads.
THEY LAUGH
I'd do this all the time
on family holidays.
The kids thought I was amazing,
you know?
Winning them so many toys.
-Yeah.
-And then they got a bit older
and realised it was probably
symptomatic of a mental illness.
CHUCKLES
Right.
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
I don't even know why
I bother with these.
What's the point for someone
who can't walk?
Oh, God, sorry.
It's fine!
I, too, love taking my boots off
and vomming in them.
Usually after a bottle of red.
Oh God.
Ugh.
You dream of that holiday
in the boutique hotel,
with the spa and the
Egyptian cotton sheets.
Life hands you a caravan park with
sticky tables and a vaping bunny.
LAUGHS
My dad's entered me
for the talent show.
-Oh, my God, that's so extra!
-Mm-hm.
I was wondering, do you want to do
something together?
I would love that.
No line dancing.
Obviously no line dancing.
I just I just don't know how
to help him, you know.
Well, lucky for you, son,
I have a solution.
-Meet the lovely Rosetta.
-All right?
What, do you two know each other?
-We became acquainted recently.
-Oh, God!
Do you want my help or not?
Yeah.
It's my friend.
He's addicted, so
TASER CRACKLES, DEREK GROANS
What the fuck, Malcolm?!
You got me tasered!
I'm sorry!
-Argh!
-It can be quite pleasant if you hit the right spot.
I bought it on t' dark web
using Bitcoin.
Yeah, well, it fucking hurts,
you psycho!
TASER CRACKLES
Oh, my God. What have you done?!
Aah!
-I think it worked.
-You're joking?
-Thanks, Jackie.
-My pleasure.
Hi. May I?
Yeah, all right.
TASER CRACKLES
Ooh! Ahh!
- TASER CRACKLES, MALCOLM STAMMERS
- Argh!
That's the last one sold
to another idiot.
Now just got to wait
for the cash to roll in.
My little Gemma, star of the show.
Grandad. We're just doing a duet.
It's nothing amazing.
Everything you do is amazing, Gemma.
And I don't want you ever
forgetting that.
Or letting anyone hold you back.
Got to go. Charmaine's waiting.
Bye, baby.
Ooh! What's that? Dick pills?
-You need some, eh?
-No, not me, mate. Mine's like a stick of rock.
Long, thin and brittle?
JACKIE CHUCKLES
DEREK CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY
I've had many addictions in my time,
and I've beaten them all.
-Booze, fags, cars
-You still do all of them.
Yes, but I'm not addicted to them,
Malcolm.
I've learnt to control them.
You know, I've never been
addicted to anything.
Of course you haven't, son.
You're too cautious.
Too afraid of the world.
Just like your mother.
See, I thought with Malcolm getting
rid of the shrew,
it would free him up
to grab life by the bollocks.
Allow him to sow his wild oats.
My oats are all right
where they are, thank you.
But instead he's up
to his arse in nappies
and letting babies use him
as a sick bucket.
I don't let her, do I?
You are a disappointment, son -
and I'm only telling you because
it's better you know it now,
while you can do something about it.
MALCOLM SLURPS
And don't make that noise.
He was doing that when he was five.
-Cheers.
-Cheers. Mm!
Urgh! Ay! Mm-hm!
You know, as much as this been a
truly terrible holiday,
I am really glad I met you.
Me too.
Look, this might seem really
-I don't know, forward.
-You asking me out?
Urgh! No, you're not my type, babe.
I've never been remotely
fanny curious, unfortunately.
No. I wondered
if you've ever heard of this energy
drink for ladies called Shoes?
Because I have got an amazing
investment opportunity for you.
Oh, you mean you're looking
for the next idiot to sell to.
Gemma?
He's a conman!
Oh. Fine.
Mm! Mm!
-Whoo! -Hey, are you excited?
-I'm going to bed.
-What? You can't go to bed.
-I can! -What you doing?
-Next up we have Gemma and Charmaine!
-Where you going?
You couldn't help yourself,
could you?
-No?
-Gemma?
-Next on the list
-No, I'll have a go!
Do you have a talent?
-No! - Nope. - Hey!
-Nope.
I might do!
Malcolm. Malcolm
This is going to be
fucking hilarious.
Mm.
Mm! Mm!
Yeah! Whoo!
Whoa! Yes, make some noise!
We have one to beat, girls and boys.
-Yes, Malcolm!
-Fantastic!
Next up, we have nine-year-old
Lin Lee!
-That was good, weren't it?
-Whoo! -APPLAUSE
-Boo!
-Yeah!
Fuck off.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
BABY BABBLES ON MONITOR
Sh.
You all right, love?
GEMMA MUMBLES
I guess it wasn't the best idea
coming on holiday
with a small baby, was it?
To be honest, it is harder
than just being at home.
Yeah.
I've got something for you.
-Hmm?
-What?
Ta-da!
-Dad, did you win?!
-No!
No, I had to bribe a small boy
into handing it over.
How much?
Three bin bags full of cuddly
toys from the grabbers.
Hand it over, then.
-Well, I'd better wash me socks if we're getting off, eh?
-Oh, God!