G'wed (2024) s02e03 Episode Script
Scousechella
1
PUPILS CHATTER, HIP-HOP PLAYS
KIERON: Yo, it's Kieron.
K-dog, youse know who it is.
Here we go. Scouse power.
RAPS: This bird's
trying to front
And you're not even worthy
Smell your breath
from the Wirral
This side of the Mersey
My bars are ice cold
And you'll still get roasted
In your head rent-free
But you still get ghosted
You skint little muppet
You're barred from Scousechella
And what's even worse is We've
been bumming your fella, what.
You got something else,
have you? Course I have.
Come 'ead, then,
kidda. RAPS: Yo, Kieron
I think you need to stop
it You're talking so big
When your dick is microscopic
RAP BATTLE CROWD GROANS
I'll dumb it down
So you'll get the gist The
only time you'll get a job
Is in jail as a
snitch CROWD GROANS
Because if Lewis isn't
there You're at risk
So if you drop the soap Then
you're deffo getting rinsed.
CROWD GROANS WOMAN: Yes, girl!
Anyone who can decimate
Kieron to the point
where he's questioning if he'll
ever show vulnerability again
has to perform at the party.
Yes!
After the accident, I was
determined to carry on painting.
I refused to let my talent die,
so I taught myself how to
paint using only my mouth.
We don't have any talent to show,
but we're thinking of wearing these.
I'm not gonna lie, life's
been a struggle since,
but maybe being at
the best party ever,
I'll-I'll feel accepted.
I'll be one of you. Wow.
You've really captured what
Scousechella is all about.
BOTH SQUEAL Here's your tickets.
Sorry, mate, wheelchair access
is a bit of a ball-ache.
Maybe next year, eh?
You are repulsive. Thank you.
Hey, look. Don't.
No, no, no
Sorry, lads. Sold
out. MO GASPS
As if, lad! You've
done that on purpose.
Youse pitching is pointless.
What could you possibly
bring to the party,
apart from four little virgins?
He's a virgin. Lad
give us a chance.
There is one thing you
could do to get tickets.
ALL GASP Yeah?
Call your dad on speaker
and ask him why he
came inside your ma
and then pissed
off for 16 years.
KIERON LAUGHS Shut up, lad.
I'd do it. It is
only one phone call.
One. Are youse messing?
I'm not doing that.
Off you pop, then.
Before we go,
everything we've heard,
is it true?
Let's just say
if you walked into a room to see
Jurgen Klopp gargling Kieron's cum
then cum-swapping with a
monkey on rollerblades
..you wouldn't even be in the
maddest room in the house.
Oh
FFFFucking hell,
lads! REECE GRUNTS
Why couldn't you
just call your da?
Come on, is this party
really that good?
It's iconic, lad.
You have to do the six
shots of Scousechella. Yeah.
Each shot's worse than the last.
No-one knows what's in them.
And after the sixth, it's
pure euphoria, lad. Oh, yes.
And did you know there's
a 94.7655-recurring percent
chance of you shagging there?
PHONE DINGS What?
Kieron runs the numbers.
And he publishes a
paper the week after.
One sec, lads. That's
That is a game-changer.
We can't give up.
Do you wanna know what
else is a game-changer?
Getting accused of
doing something heavy.
What? Just think how
many shags end in that.
15%.
Do you remember Michael Collins?
He was accused of
non-consensual finger-blasting.
WHISPERS: He's never
been seen again.
Never. Heavy.
You know my policy, girl.
Exes always get tickets.
As a gesture of goodwill.
To show sex is never off
the table. MIA-LOUISE: Ew.
Same for my exes' mates,
too. So, what's happening?
I'm genuinely
concerned about you.
Thank you. Curious camel, youse.
You knock me sick.
BOTH SCREAM AND LAUGH
GRANDMA PAT: 'There's somewhere
'your mum wanted me to take
you after school tomorrow.
'Can you believe it's been
a year since she left us?'
AIMEE: was a famous Scouse
person. MIA-LOUISE: Oh, yeah.
You not gonna say hello?
Looks upset, doesn't he?
Mm. I'll talk to him later.
Hey, do you think
if he gets a ticket
it will say "with exclusive
access to Aimee's foo-foo"?
Shh! MIA-LOUISE CHUCKLES
What do you mean, girl?
All the lads expect
sex at Scousechella,
especially virgins
like Christopher.
How do you know he's a virgin?
Are you joking me, girl?
Have you seen his shoes?
He's gonna wanna hit at least a few
of the six bases of Scousechella.
What are the six
bases of Scousechella?
MUSIC: 'Things That Make You
Go Hm' by C+C Music Factory
Touching over clothes. Yeah?
Touching under clothes.
Oral. Oh!
Normal shagging. Mm.
Anal. Yeah!
Urgh! Lad?
Yay. Then six
Toe sucking.
Ah lad, that's Huh?
Toe sucking's a
bigger deal than anal?
And there's even a secret
seventh base. Uh-huh?
Period sex. AIMEE WRETCHES
Oh, that's scatty, that, lad.
Things that make you go hm. ♪
Sorry I'm late. I was picking up
your one-month anniversary gift.
Oh. And I think
you're gonna like it.
Nah, you're joking. Get in!
Ah!
And I fully expect to have all
six of my bases smashed in.
HE SWALLOWS You what?
BOTH LAUGH
I can't believe
it. Scousechella.
CHANTING: Say no to your
fella at Scousechella.
Say no to your fella
at Scousechella.
Oh
Girls, you don't need tickets.
Think about what
happens at this party,
and then remember you
have bodily autonomy.
My body is for me,
my body is my own.
PHONE DINGS Oh, my God.
Lewis has just announced he's
hidden more golden tickets!
BOTH SQUEAL, LAUGH
MUSIC: 'Kebab Spider'
by Sleaford Mods
Hey, Chris.
Why did you look so devvo before?
Was it cos you didn't get a ticket?
Yeah, I'm crushed.
I really wanna go.
Oh, keen, are you?
Extremely keen.
And you know about the big six?
Yep. And you're still keen?
Course I am. You think
I wouldn't do them too?
How many were you thinking of doing?
All six. And in record time too.
SHE EXHALES I can
be wild, you know.
You wanna do five AND six?
I'll START with five and six.
They don't scare me.
That That's great. Cheers.
Hiya, Aimee.
Hey. Are you and Aimee
going to Scousechella?
No, she is, but I
didn't get a ticket.
Dunno if you're lucky
or unlucky, lad.
I mean, I'm sweating it a bit.
Like, you know, all the stuff about
the six sex bases of Scousechella.
Wait, sex bases?
Yeah. Touching over clothes,
touching under clothes, oral
Oh, no, that's what Aimee
was just talking about?
CONNOR GASPS She's
probably ready, lad.
But I don't think I am.
First time, lad? No!
Yep. Me too.
That's what I mean.
How do I tell Lauren
that I'm sweating it?
"Hi, Aimee. I don't wanna
have sex, but don't worry,
"I'm still manly, and definitely
won't cry myself to sleep tonight
"cos I'm thinking about
my mum." Lad! What?
It's a long story. Told
you, hold it higher.
CONNOR SIGHS What's
happening, boys?
What's he holding?
WHISPERS: These idiots.
All right? Shut up, lad.
Charming (!) All right?
I'll shag your da.
Mine's dead. I know.
Aimee got a ticket cos
of his exes policy?
Yeah. Same as Lauren? No.
Lauren never went out with
Lewis. Oh. Aimee said she did.
MUSIC: 'That's Tha Way
Life Goes' by Nia Archives
REECE: Oh, where
is Chrissie, lad?
TED: Offending the Japanese society,
probably, with his white privilege.
Oh, look at him.
Smiling like a big gimp.
CONNOR LAUGHS
He's whipped, lad,
this is embarrassing.
He's a little rat. We're
better off without.
Just forget about him. He's
clearly forgot about us.
That's right.
Come on. We're meeting
Chris at the gate.
MUSIC: 'Conveniency'
by Nia Archives
I can't always
be, yeah, aye ♪
Shall we watch a
film, then? Oh, yeah.
What about that Gift From An Ex?
That's new on Netflix, innit?
What you going on about, you?
Why didn't you tell me
you got a ticket off Lewis
cos you used to go out with
him? Who told you that?
It doesn't matter. Why
haven't you told me?
Cos I genuinely didn't
think it mattered.
You told me about
your other exes. So?
So isn't it a bit weird
that Lewis is the only one
you didn't tell me about?
Connor, I'm sorry. I should've
said something, but
I think it's cos I don't
even see him as an ex.
It went on for, like, two weeks.
HE EXHALES HEAVILY
Just forget about how
I got the tickets.
Let's just go and
enjoy ourselves.
You know, there's a
94.7655-recurring percentage chance
that you shag there?
But you're gonna
see that it's 100%.
Cos you'll be in the
corner knocking one out,
watching me shag another
ex I've not told you about.
MUSIC: 'Rapper's Delight'
by Xanudu And Sweet Lady
SIGHS
Connor told me how youse were
after lunch plop buddies.
12:45 on the dot.
You're five minutes late.
I ain't gonna spend five
minutes arguing with Mo.
He wants to be my new plop buddy,
but he talks too much during.
Listen. I know you think I'm
some bitch who's taking him away,
but the reality is, when
we're together, we're happy.
You're his best mate.
Don't you want him to be
the happiest he can be?
Right, I'm off to come between
the Parry twins, Aiden and Caden.
It's gonna be tough to
break that strong twin bond,
but if anyone can,
it's this bitch here.
Hey, Aiden. You heard what
Caden said about your bird?
Doesn't surprise me, girl.
All poshos are turned
on by kinky stuff.
He's probably one of those that
gets off on having sex in public,
with people watching.
You what? I'm not doing that.
It's the truth. It can't be.
Lad, I'm telling you,
it's common knowledge.
What's common knowledge?
I'm just telling Chrissy it
was last year's Scousechella
where Jurgen Klopp made his
decision to leave Liverpool,
after that heart-to-heart
in the deep,
meaningful chatroom
with that divvy Kieron.
Maybe you can convince him to come
back, Mo, if he's there this year.
Huh? Cos we're getting smoked
at Scousechella, baby!
Oh, I can't believe you got
them, lad! I can't believe!
MO LAUGHS
MO, TED & REECE: Scousechella,
Scousechella, Scousechella,
Scousechella, Scousechella
Come 'ead, lad. Look, I
appreciate the ticket, boys,
but don't think I'm going.
Why? What?
Hey, hey.
Sniff iiiiiiit!
MO, TED & REECE:
Scousechella, Scousechella,
Scousechella ALL:
Scousechella, Scousechella
YELLING: Scousechella,
Scousechella,
Scousechella, Scouse!
Oh! Yeah! Oh, baby!
Oh, my God. Right, he's a
perv. Oh! Oh! I'm going! Oh!
Oh, God! G!
SHE CLEARS THROA
HE GASPS
All you're doing is perpetuating
the idea that guys see girls
as sex objects expected
to have sex at this party.
Shame on you.
Shame on your
gender. GIRLS SCREAM
BOTH GIRLS: Scousechella,
Scousechella
MO: Go 'ead, girls! ALL:
Scousechella, Scousechella
GIRLS: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
ALL: Scousechella,
Scousechella ELLA GRACE GROANS
Hey, Ella Grace! ALL:
Scousechella, Scousechella,
Scousechella SCREAMS
MUSIC: 'Sway' by Dean Martin
LAUGHS
Now, I haven't won the lottery.
My dad knows someone
who rents vintage cars, so he's
gonna drive us to the party.
I can't believe it.
Connor, this is amazing.
Your vehicle
awaits, Miss Coleen.
Oh, yeah, tell your brother nice one
for the England shirt. It's spot on.
Actually, that was Lewis's.
He used to shag me in it.
You what?
Yeah, I was wondering what the
stain on the three lions was.
Yeah, sorry. Mine,
not his. Er
Also, that bald
cap? Absolutely not.
MUSIC: 'For Once in My
Life' by Stevie Wonder
Here we go. Now, pass
them, Dad. Thank you.
Hey, I think Chris Moloney's
gonna be there, you know?
Who's that? Swear down.
Boys, we leave
nothing in there, OK?
We need to make sure
that when we're 50,
we're still talking about this
as one of the greatest
nights of our lives.
And if I die in there
tonight, don't be sad.
Be happy I got to live my dream.
Reece Duffy Consensually
shags who he wants
ALL: He shags who he
wants He shags who he wants
Reece Duffy Consensually
shags who he wants ♪
Whoo!
He shags who he wants ♪
MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC
TED: This is it.
Let's have it, then, the
boys! LAUGHING AND WHOOPING
Yeah! Here we are!
Hey, come here! Oh.
Your mum wanted me to
show you were she grew up.
The street we lived on. She
recorded this message for you.
PHONE BEEPS MUM: 'Hiya, son.
'So, when are you gonna start
leaving me those voice messages
'telling me how you are,
like I asked you for, eh?
'I know, I know, it's hard.
'But you know what
else is hard? Dying.'
Oh. 'So get a grip.'
BOTH LAUGH
'I've been thinking a lot recently
about who I was at your age
'because now you're growing up where
I grew up, in my city, my home,
'I want you to know
what I was like at 16
'so you can understand me
better when I'm no longer there.
'That's why I asked
your grandma
'Hiya, Mum.' Hi, love.
'..to bring you here.
'When we were growing
up, my dad would tell me
'about how Liverpool was
left to rot in the '80s,
'and it's one of the reasons
'why the people of
Liverpool stick together.
'When I was 16, I wanted
to paint something
'that represented the spirit
that makes this city so special.
'Mark Twain wrote, "The two
most important days in your life
' "are the day you're born
and the day you find out why."
'I actually think there are loads
of days when you find out why.
'Painting this for my
dad was one of mine.
'When life is tough,
you need a team.
'Find the special person
to be in your team, son.
'You'll need them
to take on life.'
PHONE DINGS
Christopher's coming the party.
He's probably paid
thousands for a ticket.
Desperate to shag you.
He's put,
"I've had so much shit
build up inside me
"over the last couple of days.
"I'd really like you to be the
person that I unload it on."
Eeee, dirty bastard. Eurgh.
Oh, my God, lad.
MUSIC STOPS Is that a gong?
It's not death that
a man should fear.
He should fear never
beginning to live!
GONG CLASHES, CHEERING
ALL: Five.
Six.
Whoo!
Fire tonight! CHEERING
Get in there, our kid.
ELLA-LOUISE: Oh, fuck sake.
CHANTING: Scousechella,
Scousechella.
Chella and Scouse, we're
in the big old house.
Ladies and gentlemen, how
tickled I am, how tickled I am.
Why have you come
dressed as an old paedo?
I'm Ken Dodd. My grandma
told me he was famous.
Yeah, about 50 years ago.
Do I believe in safe sex?
Of course. I have a
handrail round the bed.
You're actually obsessed,
you. What? I Googled him.
It's one of his jokes! Are
you gonna ignore me all night?
I wanna talk to you.
Why? Ready to unload,
are you? What?
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Something in my
heart keeps saying
My someplace is here ♪
REECE: Work son? Looks
like a little bellend.
If I had it in my power
I would arrange for every
girl To have your charm ♪
There he is.
The last person you ever thought
would get a bird, Connor Bell.
The lad who actually
used one of them
girlfriend simulator dating
apps, and even she dumped him.
Grow up, lad. It was mutual.
We wanted different things.
I'm sorry, but you've
dropped something.
What? Your mates.
The minute a girl's shown
any interest in you.
Wayne Rat-ney.
Excuse me, darling. Oh,
the tickle chickens. Ooh!
Freak! Aimee? Aimee!
Smile. Yeah, yeah.
Lads, I just wanna say congrats on
pulling these absolute worldies.
Fair play, cos youse have done
it being right ugly bastards.
I mean, look at
this one. Fuck me.
I thought Shrek
weren't a scouser,
and then I realised he's
not even in fancy dress.
Go home before you
get your jaw spun!
Yeah, lad, really? Reece!
Yeah, you fucking rat! Why
are you acting like a tit?
You're gonna get
your head kicked in.
What's going on with
you? Nothing. I'm sound.
Reece, I've known you since your
Peppa Pig days, you can't lie to me.
Simpler times.
Apart from when Suzy Sheep
moved away. That was heavy.
Is that what this is?
You're Peppa Pig and
Conner's Suzy Sheep?
'Ey, are you sure?
Sure as I am that you're
gonna wanna keep that cap on.
Come on, you. Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
You better believe it.
THEY GIGGLE
Oh, erm, right. Er
Would you just give
this a once over?
Sign where indicated.
The hell's this?
READING: 'By signing the
above, I agree to engage in
'all of the following consensual
sex acts with Mo Azzouz Fassi.'
Oh, my God, the list is endless.
How much porn do you
watch, you weirdo?
You know, like, erm
I can't believe I
got you so wrong.
I thought you were
more mature. Mature?
That another thing you're into?
Want me to peg an old woman as she
sucks you off with her teeth out?
What? Listen, Christopher.
Whatever weird shit
you're into is up to you,
but maybe I'm not
the girl for you
because I'm just not
ready to have sex.
OK, one, I'm not
into weird shit,
and two, I'm not ready
to have sex either.
You are ready, you said you
wanted to do all six bases.
I thought you were
talking about the shots!
You're the one that was
talking about the bases
and asking me how
many I wanna do!
Cos I was trying to find
out if you wanted to do them
cos you looked so upset
about not getting a ticket!
Then, this is a bit awkward.
When it happens it happens.
But I don't wanna
force it. Me too.
And I don't wanna do it at a
party, and definitely not all six.
In fact I'm thinking
of rebranding them.
Five is really seeing
the person, then six
lovemaking. THEY LAUGH
When you saw me in the
playground upset
..it's actually because it's the
anniversary of my mum's death.
Chris I didn't know.
READING: 'Angry
pirate, slurp and burp,
'banjo for sale, snowball.'
The rusty trombone? You
creep! No, no, no, no!
No, no, I'm not saying we do it.
Just had to put it
there in case we did!
Oh, for fuck sake, Mo! Grace!
MOANING AND GASPING
HE GASPS Brimble?
GIRL: There he is, walking
like nothing's happened.
He's so creepy.
Who's he texting?
I know, he's a
proper freak. Connor!
I need to see you in my office.
Hey, do youse reckon it's true?
I've always had bad vibes from
him. He looks guilty as anything.
AIMEE: I didn't think he'd
do something like that.
I'm afraid there's been a
very serious allegation made
against you of
sexual assault.
You what? What do you mean?
I've already spoken
with your father,
and we both agreed it's
best you stay at home
while the safeguarding
officer investigates.
From Lauren?
I'm afraid I can't disclose
who the allegation's come from.
Sexual assault?
Sir, I didn't. I swear.
Did you do it, lad?
There it is.
What's this?
Lad, what's going on?
Have you been filming the rooms?
Where's the footage? I need it now.
It was on my laptop,
but But what?
Someone nicked it
at the party, lad.
What if they find the
videos and expose me?
I'll be just like Michael
Collins, never seen again.
Everything I've worked
for will be gone.
All my achievements tarnished,
the scraps I've won,
the birds I've shagged.
All them moments will
be lost in time
like your own cum in a bukkake.
Lad, we get on a
flight to, like
..Fiji, start a farm.
I'll harvest the crops, you
can tend to the livestock.
Fuck off!
YE MA ON VIDEO: 'Hello,
Allsbrooke School, this is Ye Ma.
'Youse all know a Scouse ma
always discovers your secrets.
'What time you got home, if
you've been smoking weed,
'and what you got up
to at Scousechella.
'Ye Ma's also wise.
'She knows our secrets only make
us sick until you let them out!
'And that is why Ye Ma's gonna
be dropping footage of the party
'to all your emails every
day, starting at 9pm tonight.'
GIRL: Ey, Love Island's on then!
'Now we're about to
have some real fun.
'Nobody's safe
'unless you didn't
go to Scousechella,
'then you're a nobody anyway.'
MO: I can't wait for
this. EXCITED CHATTER
My grandma sent me here
as my mum left me another
message to listen to.
Hang on, it's a video file.
'Hello, son. Surprise!
'The last day I found out
why I was put on this Earth
'was when I found out that
my cancer was terminal,
'cos I knew then I'd have
to do everything in my power
'to make sure you were
OK after I'm gone.
'Living with your mental but
loving grandma is one thing
'..and growing up in my city,
'a city I know will look
after you, is another.'
'And then understanding
me more
'..so that you know where you
come from and what connects us.
'Because what have I told
you about sticking together?
'You can't do this alone.
'Me and you are a team,
and we always will be.
'Keep doing me proud.
'Love you forever, my son.'
PHONE BLEEPS Hi, Mum.
I'm sorry it's taken
me so long to do this.
I was a bit preoccupied
with my girlfriend thinking
I was a sexual deviant,
but that happens in
every relationship, right?
This year's been hard.
I miss you so much.
I'll always miss you.
But you'll be so
proud of Liverpool.
I've made great friends
and the good news is
I've found that special
person to be in my team
..and it's gonna be a pretty
formidable one, because
I'm falling in love with her.
PHONE CHIMES, BABY CRIES
YE MA: 'Here we are, Allsbrooke.
'Whose secret should
we unwrap first?
'Connor Bell!
'You all think he's a monster,
'but Ye Ma knows that a monster's
story isn't always black and white.'
Look, can we slow
down a bit? Why?
Are you sure? Are you sure?
Are you sure? Why do you
always have to ask me?
Do you not fancy me?
Are you not into it?
Are you sure? Be impulsive.
What do you want me to
do? Just grab me. Grab me.
Do you not fancy me? No!
Then show me. Are
you not into it?
No, I am. Are you not a man?
You're not being a
man. What do you want?
Stop asking me! Be a man!
SHE GASPS
Maybe we should try
something different.
What? Like what? Like this?
How's that? Is that better?
Is this what you want?
It doesn't need to be like this.
But this is what you asked for.
Just be you, Connor.
I am being me.
This isn't you.
It is me. It is.
It is me. It is me. It
is me. It is me. Stop!
Cos I'm a woman
I'm a very fucking
brave Strong woman ♪
I didn't want any of this.
You shouldn't have told Mr
Meacher. He assaulted you.
It was the right thing to do.
Was a girl, now I'm
grown I'm a woman. ♪
Did I do something wrong?
REECE: 'I don't think so, Con.'
But others might.
What's gonna happen, mate? 'I
dunno, but it's gonna be OK.'
I've got your back.
PHONE CHIMES
YE MA: 'But Ye Ma is not
all about the heavy stuff.
'Ye Ma loves wholesome moments,
'natural moments, moments
that just happen.'
I think I get it.
You've always been the main man,
and you feel like you're
losing your audience.
Connor doesn't need you as much,
your mum doesn't,
cos she's off dating.
You feel like you've peaked,
and that's it. Am I right?
So, what do I do now?
Be yourself cos
they still need you.
They just want more, too.
You've got your whole
life ahead of you.
Soon you'll meet the right
girl, and you'll want more, too.
You reckon? Course you will.
Everyone loves you. I love you.
I was bladdered. He kissed me!
Chris! Chris!
Don't bother. DOOR SLAMS
YE MA: 'Ye Ma will drop
more footage tomorrow.'
'If you've got nothing to
hide, then you're safe.
'If you do, then you
better pray it's not you.
'Bit pointless, though, cos
no'ing gets past a Scouse ma.'
I cheated myself
Like I knew I would
I told you I was trouble
You know that I'm no good
I told you I-I was trouble
Yeah, you know that
I'm no good No good. ♪
accessibility@itv.com
PUPILS CHATTER, HIP-HOP PLAYS
KIERON: Yo, it's Kieron.
K-dog, youse know who it is.
Here we go. Scouse power.
RAPS: This bird's
trying to front
And you're not even worthy
Smell your breath
from the Wirral
This side of the Mersey
My bars are ice cold
And you'll still get roasted
In your head rent-free
But you still get ghosted
You skint little muppet
You're barred from Scousechella
And what's even worse is We've
been bumming your fella, what.
You got something else,
have you? Course I have.
Come 'ead, then,
kidda. RAPS: Yo, Kieron
I think you need to stop
it You're talking so big
When your dick is microscopic
RAP BATTLE CROWD GROANS
I'll dumb it down
So you'll get the gist The
only time you'll get a job
Is in jail as a
snitch CROWD GROANS
Because if Lewis isn't
there You're at risk
So if you drop the soap Then
you're deffo getting rinsed.
CROWD GROANS WOMAN: Yes, girl!
Anyone who can decimate
Kieron to the point
where he's questioning if he'll
ever show vulnerability again
has to perform at the party.
Yes!
After the accident, I was
determined to carry on painting.
I refused to let my talent die,
so I taught myself how to
paint using only my mouth.
We don't have any talent to show,
but we're thinking of wearing these.
I'm not gonna lie, life's
been a struggle since,
but maybe being at
the best party ever,
I'll-I'll feel accepted.
I'll be one of you. Wow.
You've really captured what
Scousechella is all about.
BOTH SQUEAL Here's your tickets.
Sorry, mate, wheelchair access
is a bit of a ball-ache.
Maybe next year, eh?
You are repulsive. Thank you.
Hey, look. Don't.
No, no, no
Sorry, lads. Sold
out. MO GASPS
As if, lad! You've
done that on purpose.
Youse pitching is pointless.
What could you possibly
bring to the party,
apart from four little virgins?
He's a virgin. Lad
give us a chance.
There is one thing you
could do to get tickets.
ALL GASP Yeah?
Call your dad on speaker
and ask him why he
came inside your ma
and then pissed
off for 16 years.
KIERON LAUGHS Shut up, lad.
I'd do it. It is
only one phone call.
One. Are youse messing?
I'm not doing that.
Off you pop, then.
Before we go,
everything we've heard,
is it true?
Let's just say
if you walked into a room to see
Jurgen Klopp gargling Kieron's cum
then cum-swapping with a
monkey on rollerblades
..you wouldn't even be in the
maddest room in the house.
Oh
FFFFucking hell,
lads! REECE GRUNTS
Why couldn't you
just call your da?
Come on, is this party
really that good?
It's iconic, lad.
You have to do the six
shots of Scousechella. Yeah.
Each shot's worse than the last.
No-one knows what's in them.
And after the sixth, it's
pure euphoria, lad. Oh, yes.
And did you know there's
a 94.7655-recurring percent
chance of you shagging there?
PHONE DINGS What?
Kieron runs the numbers.
And he publishes a
paper the week after.
One sec, lads. That's
That is a game-changer.
We can't give up.
Do you wanna know what
else is a game-changer?
Getting accused of
doing something heavy.
What? Just think how
many shags end in that.
15%.
Do you remember Michael Collins?
He was accused of
non-consensual finger-blasting.
WHISPERS: He's never
been seen again.
Never. Heavy.
You know my policy, girl.
Exes always get tickets.
As a gesture of goodwill.
To show sex is never off
the table. MIA-LOUISE: Ew.
Same for my exes' mates,
too. So, what's happening?
I'm genuinely
concerned about you.
Thank you. Curious camel, youse.
You knock me sick.
BOTH SCREAM AND LAUGH
GRANDMA PAT: 'There's somewhere
'your mum wanted me to take
you after school tomorrow.
'Can you believe it's been
a year since she left us?'
AIMEE: was a famous Scouse
person. MIA-LOUISE: Oh, yeah.
You not gonna say hello?
Looks upset, doesn't he?
Mm. I'll talk to him later.
Hey, do you think
if he gets a ticket
it will say "with exclusive
access to Aimee's foo-foo"?
Shh! MIA-LOUISE CHUCKLES
What do you mean, girl?
All the lads expect
sex at Scousechella,
especially virgins
like Christopher.
How do you know he's a virgin?
Are you joking me, girl?
Have you seen his shoes?
He's gonna wanna hit at least a few
of the six bases of Scousechella.
What are the six
bases of Scousechella?
MUSIC: 'Things That Make You
Go Hm' by C+C Music Factory
Touching over clothes. Yeah?
Touching under clothes.
Oral. Oh!
Normal shagging. Mm.
Anal. Yeah!
Urgh! Lad?
Yay. Then six
Toe sucking.
Ah lad, that's Huh?
Toe sucking's a
bigger deal than anal?
And there's even a secret
seventh base. Uh-huh?
Period sex. AIMEE WRETCHES
Oh, that's scatty, that, lad.
Things that make you go hm. ♪
Sorry I'm late. I was picking up
your one-month anniversary gift.
Oh. And I think
you're gonna like it.
Nah, you're joking. Get in!
Ah!
And I fully expect to have all
six of my bases smashed in.
HE SWALLOWS You what?
BOTH LAUGH
I can't believe
it. Scousechella.
CHANTING: Say no to your
fella at Scousechella.
Say no to your fella
at Scousechella.
Oh
Girls, you don't need tickets.
Think about what
happens at this party,
and then remember you
have bodily autonomy.
My body is for me,
my body is my own.
PHONE DINGS Oh, my God.
Lewis has just announced he's
hidden more golden tickets!
BOTH SQUEAL, LAUGH
MUSIC: 'Kebab Spider'
by Sleaford Mods
Hey, Chris.
Why did you look so devvo before?
Was it cos you didn't get a ticket?
Yeah, I'm crushed.
I really wanna go.
Oh, keen, are you?
Extremely keen.
And you know about the big six?
Yep. And you're still keen?
Course I am. You think
I wouldn't do them too?
How many were you thinking of doing?
All six. And in record time too.
SHE EXHALES I can
be wild, you know.
You wanna do five AND six?
I'll START with five and six.
They don't scare me.
That That's great. Cheers.
Hiya, Aimee.
Hey. Are you and Aimee
going to Scousechella?
No, she is, but I
didn't get a ticket.
Dunno if you're lucky
or unlucky, lad.
I mean, I'm sweating it a bit.
Like, you know, all the stuff about
the six sex bases of Scousechella.
Wait, sex bases?
Yeah. Touching over clothes,
touching under clothes, oral
Oh, no, that's what Aimee
was just talking about?
CONNOR GASPS She's
probably ready, lad.
But I don't think I am.
First time, lad? No!
Yep. Me too.
That's what I mean.
How do I tell Lauren
that I'm sweating it?
"Hi, Aimee. I don't wanna
have sex, but don't worry,
"I'm still manly, and definitely
won't cry myself to sleep tonight
"cos I'm thinking about
my mum." Lad! What?
It's a long story. Told
you, hold it higher.
CONNOR SIGHS What's
happening, boys?
What's he holding?
WHISPERS: These idiots.
All right? Shut up, lad.
Charming (!) All right?
I'll shag your da.
Mine's dead. I know.
Aimee got a ticket cos
of his exes policy?
Yeah. Same as Lauren? No.
Lauren never went out with
Lewis. Oh. Aimee said she did.
MUSIC: 'That's Tha Way
Life Goes' by Nia Archives
REECE: Oh, where
is Chrissie, lad?
TED: Offending the Japanese society,
probably, with his white privilege.
Oh, look at him.
Smiling like a big gimp.
CONNOR LAUGHS
He's whipped, lad,
this is embarrassing.
He's a little rat. We're
better off without.
Just forget about him. He's
clearly forgot about us.
That's right.
Come on. We're meeting
Chris at the gate.
MUSIC: 'Conveniency'
by Nia Archives
I can't always
be, yeah, aye ♪
Shall we watch a
film, then? Oh, yeah.
What about that Gift From An Ex?
That's new on Netflix, innit?
What you going on about, you?
Why didn't you tell me
you got a ticket off Lewis
cos you used to go out with
him? Who told you that?
It doesn't matter. Why
haven't you told me?
Cos I genuinely didn't
think it mattered.
You told me about
your other exes. So?
So isn't it a bit weird
that Lewis is the only one
you didn't tell me about?
Connor, I'm sorry. I should've
said something, but
I think it's cos I don't
even see him as an ex.
It went on for, like, two weeks.
HE EXHALES HEAVILY
Just forget about how
I got the tickets.
Let's just go and
enjoy ourselves.
You know, there's a
94.7655-recurring percentage chance
that you shag there?
But you're gonna
see that it's 100%.
Cos you'll be in the
corner knocking one out,
watching me shag another
ex I've not told you about.
MUSIC: 'Rapper's Delight'
by Xanudu And Sweet Lady
SIGHS
Connor told me how youse were
after lunch plop buddies.
12:45 on the dot.
You're five minutes late.
I ain't gonna spend five
minutes arguing with Mo.
He wants to be my new plop buddy,
but he talks too much during.
Listen. I know you think I'm
some bitch who's taking him away,
but the reality is, when
we're together, we're happy.
You're his best mate.
Don't you want him to be
the happiest he can be?
Right, I'm off to come between
the Parry twins, Aiden and Caden.
It's gonna be tough to
break that strong twin bond,
but if anyone can,
it's this bitch here.
Hey, Aiden. You heard what
Caden said about your bird?
Doesn't surprise me, girl.
All poshos are turned
on by kinky stuff.
He's probably one of those that
gets off on having sex in public,
with people watching.
You what? I'm not doing that.
It's the truth. It can't be.
Lad, I'm telling you,
it's common knowledge.
What's common knowledge?
I'm just telling Chrissy it
was last year's Scousechella
where Jurgen Klopp made his
decision to leave Liverpool,
after that heart-to-heart
in the deep,
meaningful chatroom
with that divvy Kieron.
Maybe you can convince him to come
back, Mo, if he's there this year.
Huh? Cos we're getting smoked
at Scousechella, baby!
Oh, I can't believe you got
them, lad! I can't believe!
MO LAUGHS
MO, TED & REECE: Scousechella,
Scousechella, Scousechella,
Scousechella, Scousechella
Come 'ead, lad. Look, I
appreciate the ticket, boys,
but don't think I'm going.
Why? What?
Hey, hey.
Sniff iiiiiiit!
MO, TED & REECE:
Scousechella, Scousechella,
Scousechella ALL:
Scousechella, Scousechella
YELLING: Scousechella,
Scousechella,
Scousechella, Scouse!
Oh! Yeah! Oh, baby!
Oh, my God. Right, he's a
perv. Oh! Oh! I'm going! Oh!
Oh, God! G!
SHE CLEARS THROA
HE GASPS
All you're doing is perpetuating
the idea that guys see girls
as sex objects expected
to have sex at this party.
Shame on you.
Shame on your
gender. GIRLS SCREAM
BOTH GIRLS: Scousechella,
Scousechella
MO: Go 'ead, girls! ALL:
Scousechella, Scousechella
GIRLS: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
ALL: Scousechella,
Scousechella ELLA GRACE GROANS
Hey, Ella Grace! ALL:
Scousechella, Scousechella,
Scousechella SCREAMS
MUSIC: 'Sway' by Dean Martin
LAUGHS
Now, I haven't won the lottery.
My dad knows someone
who rents vintage cars, so he's
gonna drive us to the party.
I can't believe it.
Connor, this is amazing.
Your vehicle
awaits, Miss Coleen.
Oh, yeah, tell your brother nice one
for the England shirt. It's spot on.
Actually, that was Lewis's.
He used to shag me in it.
You what?
Yeah, I was wondering what the
stain on the three lions was.
Yeah, sorry. Mine,
not his. Er
Also, that bald
cap? Absolutely not.
MUSIC: 'For Once in My
Life' by Stevie Wonder
Here we go. Now, pass
them, Dad. Thank you.
Hey, I think Chris Moloney's
gonna be there, you know?
Who's that? Swear down.
Boys, we leave
nothing in there, OK?
We need to make sure
that when we're 50,
we're still talking about this
as one of the greatest
nights of our lives.
And if I die in there
tonight, don't be sad.
Be happy I got to live my dream.
Reece Duffy Consensually
shags who he wants
ALL: He shags who he
wants He shags who he wants
Reece Duffy Consensually
shags who he wants ♪
Whoo!
He shags who he wants ♪
MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC
TED: This is it.
Let's have it, then, the
boys! LAUGHING AND WHOOPING
Yeah! Here we are!
Hey, come here! Oh.
Your mum wanted me to
show you were she grew up.
The street we lived on. She
recorded this message for you.
PHONE BEEPS MUM: 'Hiya, son.
'So, when are you gonna start
leaving me those voice messages
'telling me how you are,
like I asked you for, eh?
'I know, I know, it's hard.
'But you know what
else is hard? Dying.'
Oh. 'So get a grip.'
BOTH LAUGH
'I've been thinking a lot recently
about who I was at your age
'because now you're growing up where
I grew up, in my city, my home,
'I want you to know
what I was like at 16
'so you can understand me
better when I'm no longer there.
'That's why I asked
your grandma
'Hiya, Mum.' Hi, love.
'..to bring you here.
'When we were growing
up, my dad would tell me
'about how Liverpool was
left to rot in the '80s,
'and it's one of the reasons
'why the people of
Liverpool stick together.
'When I was 16, I wanted
to paint something
'that represented the spirit
that makes this city so special.
'Mark Twain wrote, "The two
most important days in your life
' "are the day you're born
and the day you find out why."
'I actually think there are loads
of days when you find out why.
'Painting this for my
dad was one of mine.
'When life is tough,
you need a team.
'Find the special person
to be in your team, son.
'You'll need them
to take on life.'
PHONE DINGS
Christopher's coming the party.
He's probably paid
thousands for a ticket.
Desperate to shag you.
He's put,
"I've had so much shit
build up inside me
"over the last couple of days.
"I'd really like you to be the
person that I unload it on."
Eeee, dirty bastard. Eurgh.
Oh, my God, lad.
MUSIC STOPS Is that a gong?
It's not death that
a man should fear.
He should fear never
beginning to live!
GONG CLASHES, CHEERING
ALL: Five.
Six.
Whoo!
Fire tonight! CHEERING
Get in there, our kid.
ELLA-LOUISE: Oh, fuck sake.
CHANTING: Scousechella,
Scousechella.
Chella and Scouse, we're
in the big old house.
Ladies and gentlemen, how
tickled I am, how tickled I am.
Why have you come
dressed as an old paedo?
I'm Ken Dodd. My grandma
told me he was famous.
Yeah, about 50 years ago.
Do I believe in safe sex?
Of course. I have a
handrail round the bed.
You're actually obsessed,
you. What? I Googled him.
It's one of his jokes! Are
you gonna ignore me all night?
I wanna talk to you.
Why? Ready to unload,
are you? What?
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Something in my
heart keeps saying
My someplace is here ♪
REECE: Work son? Looks
like a little bellend.
If I had it in my power
I would arrange for every
girl To have your charm ♪
There he is.
The last person you ever thought
would get a bird, Connor Bell.
The lad who actually
used one of them
girlfriend simulator dating
apps, and even she dumped him.
Grow up, lad. It was mutual.
We wanted different things.
I'm sorry, but you've
dropped something.
What? Your mates.
The minute a girl's shown
any interest in you.
Wayne Rat-ney.
Excuse me, darling. Oh,
the tickle chickens. Ooh!
Freak! Aimee? Aimee!
Smile. Yeah, yeah.
Lads, I just wanna say congrats on
pulling these absolute worldies.
Fair play, cos youse have done
it being right ugly bastards.
I mean, look at
this one. Fuck me.
I thought Shrek
weren't a scouser,
and then I realised he's
not even in fancy dress.
Go home before you
get your jaw spun!
Yeah, lad, really? Reece!
Yeah, you fucking rat! Why
are you acting like a tit?
You're gonna get
your head kicked in.
What's going on with
you? Nothing. I'm sound.
Reece, I've known you since your
Peppa Pig days, you can't lie to me.
Simpler times.
Apart from when Suzy Sheep
moved away. That was heavy.
Is that what this is?
You're Peppa Pig and
Conner's Suzy Sheep?
'Ey, are you sure?
Sure as I am that you're
gonna wanna keep that cap on.
Come on, you. Oh, my God.
I can't believe it.
You better believe it.
THEY GIGGLE
Oh, erm, right. Er
Would you just give
this a once over?
Sign where indicated.
The hell's this?
READING: 'By signing the
above, I agree to engage in
'all of the following consensual
sex acts with Mo Azzouz Fassi.'
Oh, my God, the list is endless.
How much porn do you
watch, you weirdo?
You know, like, erm
I can't believe I
got you so wrong.
I thought you were
more mature. Mature?
That another thing you're into?
Want me to peg an old woman as she
sucks you off with her teeth out?
What? Listen, Christopher.
Whatever weird shit
you're into is up to you,
but maybe I'm not
the girl for you
because I'm just not
ready to have sex.
OK, one, I'm not
into weird shit,
and two, I'm not ready
to have sex either.
You are ready, you said you
wanted to do all six bases.
I thought you were
talking about the shots!
You're the one that was
talking about the bases
and asking me how
many I wanna do!
Cos I was trying to find
out if you wanted to do them
cos you looked so upset
about not getting a ticket!
Then, this is a bit awkward.
When it happens it happens.
But I don't wanna
force it. Me too.
And I don't wanna do it at a
party, and definitely not all six.
In fact I'm thinking
of rebranding them.
Five is really seeing
the person, then six
lovemaking. THEY LAUGH
When you saw me in the
playground upset
..it's actually because it's the
anniversary of my mum's death.
Chris I didn't know.
READING: 'Angry
pirate, slurp and burp,
'banjo for sale, snowball.'
The rusty trombone? You
creep! No, no, no, no!
No, no, I'm not saying we do it.
Just had to put it
there in case we did!
Oh, for fuck sake, Mo! Grace!
MOANING AND GASPING
HE GASPS Brimble?
GIRL: There he is, walking
like nothing's happened.
He's so creepy.
Who's he texting?
I know, he's a
proper freak. Connor!
I need to see you in my office.
Hey, do youse reckon it's true?
I've always had bad vibes from
him. He looks guilty as anything.
AIMEE: I didn't think he'd
do something like that.
I'm afraid there's been a
very serious allegation made
against you of
sexual assault.
You what? What do you mean?
I've already spoken
with your father,
and we both agreed it's
best you stay at home
while the safeguarding
officer investigates.
From Lauren?
I'm afraid I can't disclose
who the allegation's come from.
Sexual assault?
Sir, I didn't. I swear.
Did you do it, lad?
There it is.
What's this?
Lad, what's going on?
Have you been filming the rooms?
Where's the footage? I need it now.
It was on my laptop,
but But what?
Someone nicked it
at the party, lad.
What if they find the
videos and expose me?
I'll be just like Michael
Collins, never seen again.
Everything I've worked
for will be gone.
All my achievements tarnished,
the scraps I've won,
the birds I've shagged.
All them moments will
be lost in time
like your own cum in a bukkake.
Lad, we get on a
flight to, like
..Fiji, start a farm.
I'll harvest the crops, you
can tend to the livestock.
Fuck off!
YE MA ON VIDEO: 'Hello,
Allsbrooke School, this is Ye Ma.
'Youse all know a Scouse ma
always discovers your secrets.
'What time you got home, if
you've been smoking weed,
'and what you got up
to at Scousechella.
'Ye Ma's also wise.
'She knows our secrets only make
us sick until you let them out!
'And that is why Ye Ma's gonna
be dropping footage of the party
'to all your emails every
day, starting at 9pm tonight.'
GIRL: Ey, Love Island's on then!
'Now we're about to
have some real fun.
'Nobody's safe
'unless you didn't
go to Scousechella,
'then you're a nobody anyway.'
MO: I can't wait for
this. EXCITED CHATTER
My grandma sent me here
as my mum left me another
message to listen to.
Hang on, it's a video file.
'Hello, son. Surprise!
'The last day I found out
why I was put on this Earth
'was when I found out that
my cancer was terminal,
'cos I knew then I'd have
to do everything in my power
'to make sure you were
OK after I'm gone.
'Living with your mental but
loving grandma is one thing
'..and growing up in my city,
'a city I know will look
after you, is another.'
'And then understanding
me more
'..so that you know where you
come from and what connects us.
'Because what have I told
you about sticking together?
'You can't do this alone.
'Me and you are a team,
and we always will be.
'Keep doing me proud.
'Love you forever, my son.'
PHONE BLEEPS Hi, Mum.
I'm sorry it's taken
me so long to do this.
I was a bit preoccupied
with my girlfriend thinking
I was a sexual deviant,
but that happens in
every relationship, right?
This year's been hard.
I miss you so much.
I'll always miss you.
But you'll be so
proud of Liverpool.
I've made great friends
and the good news is
I've found that special
person to be in my team
..and it's gonna be a pretty
formidable one, because
I'm falling in love with her.
PHONE CHIMES, BABY CRIES
YE MA: 'Here we are, Allsbrooke.
'Whose secret should
we unwrap first?
'Connor Bell!
'You all think he's a monster,
'but Ye Ma knows that a monster's
story isn't always black and white.'
Look, can we slow
down a bit? Why?
Are you sure? Are you sure?
Are you sure? Why do you
always have to ask me?
Do you not fancy me?
Are you not into it?
Are you sure? Be impulsive.
What do you want me to
do? Just grab me. Grab me.
Do you not fancy me? No!
Then show me. Are
you not into it?
No, I am. Are you not a man?
You're not being a
man. What do you want?
Stop asking me! Be a man!
SHE GASPS
Maybe we should try
something different.
What? Like what? Like this?
How's that? Is that better?
Is this what you want?
It doesn't need to be like this.
But this is what you asked for.
Just be you, Connor.
I am being me.
This isn't you.
It is me. It is.
It is me. It is me. It
is me. It is me. Stop!
Cos I'm a woman
I'm a very fucking
brave Strong woman ♪
I didn't want any of this.
You shouldn't have told Mr
Meacher. He assaulted you.
It was the right thing to do.
Was a girl, now I'm
grown I'm a woman. ♪
Did I do something wrong?
REECE: 'I don't think so, Con.'
But others might.
What's gonna happen, mate? 'I
dunno, but it's gonna be OK.'
I've got your back.
PHONE CHIMES
YE MA: 'But Ye Ma is not
all about the heavy stuff.
'Ye Ma loves wholesome moments,
'natural moments, moments
that just happen.'
I think I get it.
You've always been the main man,
and you feel like you're
losing your audience.
Connor doesn't need you as much,
your mum doesn't,
cos she's off dating.
You feel like you've peaked,
and that's it. Am I right?
So, what do I do now?
Be yourself cos
they still need you.
They just want more, too.
You've got your whole
life ahead of you.
Soon you'll meet the right
girl, and you'll want more, too.
You reckon? Course you will.
Everyone loves you. I love you.
I was bladdered. He kissed me!
Chris! Chris!
Don't bother. DOOR SLAMS
YE MA: 'Ye Ma will drop
more footage tomorrow.'
'If you've got nothing to
hide, then you're safe.
'If you do, then you
better pray it's not you.
'Bit pointless, though, cos
no'ing gets past a Scouse ma.'
I cheated myself
Like I knew I would
I told you I was trouble
You know that I'm no good
I told you I-I was trouble
Yeah, you know that
I'm no good No good. ♪
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