It's Florida, Man. (2024) s02e03 Episode Script

What you're about to see may be dangerous,
illegal, unethical,
petty, misguided, immoral,
and most definitely stupid.
But it's also all true.
Sort of.
This all started pretty simply.
I was just trying to find my friend Gina.
Gina.
The problem was
I was prescribed a new medication.
It made me looney tunes.
Perhaps I can help you, darling.
Hi! I'm looking for Gina's house.
Gina's house is
right over that way, Natalie.
-Thank you so much for your help.
-Absolutely.
I walked straight into the house.
Gina?
Gina wasn't there,
so I made myself at home.
And then I got sleepy,
so I ended up laying down
like Goldilocks, taking a nap.
There were even
three bears just like in "Goldilocks."
I was very courteous.
Care to join me?
The problem was
those weren't bears,
and this wasn't Gina's house.
Who are you?
Whose house was that I was in?
Hi, my name is Natalie Slavek,
and I'm a resident of Naples, Florida,
for the last 11 years.
I have an infatuation with Naples.
It is like living in paradise.
And I thought I should highlight
these little odds and end places.
Well, good morning.
It's Natalie Knows Naples
and today's Tuesday which means
That's how I started Natalie Knows Naples.
I'm kind of a big deal.
I'm Natalie Knows Naples.
Originally, I always made the mistake
and said "Natalie Does Naples."
I'm like, "No. You're thinking
of my cousin in Dallas, Debbie."
I'm Ed Caputo.
I live in beautiful Naples, Florida.
It's kind of rainy and stormy today,
but normally, we have a lot
of really great weather
aside from the hurricanes.
I met Ed about ten years ago.
She's got just a bubbly personality,
a lot of fun.
We just became friends
and followed some of her crazy experiences
through the years.
This story starts
with an innocent day at the beach.
So, I was sipping tequila
in the afternoon.
I have bipolar disorder.
It's managed through medication,
but back then
it wasn't managed so well.
Looks pretty good.
I end up meeting this woman.
-Hi.
-She was very nice,
but the downside is she liked to drink.
I like to drink.
Oh, yeah.
We go back to the hotel room.
I like to drink.
She got wasted.
I'm still sipping on tequila.
My medication says on the bottle,
"No alcohol."
And so, when I did my own research,
I found it's true.
You add a smidge of tequila,
you don't remember shit.
"Smidge of tequila,
you don't remember shit."
You're blacked out.
Police!
Uh-oh.
Well, apparently,
the cops were called to our room.
Open up! It's the police!
Ma'am,
I'm here to address a noise complaint.
But I guess I "supposedly"
punched a cop in the chest.
Eat shit, pig!
I don't even know how to punch.
If I did punch,
it would have been like this.
Eat shit, pig!
Apparently, I punch like a girl.
But they said that the officer
felt threatened.
So, she took a Taser to me
and tased me in the abdomen,
in the crotch, and the butt.
-You know, like
-Yeah.
That's the problem
with the city of Naples.
They don't have any crime.
They create crime.
What you looking at?
Get your ass off the bed!
I was charged with battery
on a law enforcement officer.
It was almost like I was set up.
They were determined
to get me on something or other.
I will get you for something or other.
They ended up dropping the battery charge,
but they gave me two years of probation.
Bullshit.
They said if I screwed up again,
I could get five years in prison.
Five years in prison!
And I'm like,
"I'm not even violent, for fuck's sakes."
So, fast forward
to the following Wednesday.
It was court day,
and I was given the type of probation
where, every Wednesday,
I had to go to court to see the judge.
So, I should have been at court,
but I was at the beach.
For me, my typical day is I like to go
to the beach in the morning.
That gets my endorphins going.
Hey, girl.
I call it my "beachy morning."
I'm out here having my beachy morning.
So, I was on the phone, calling everybody.
It's gorgeous out here.
You should come down here.
Did you get some underarm Botox
or something?
I feel like this is a good gloss
for, like, an event.
I totally remember Vance.
He tried to fuck me.
He wants his grandkids to walk in on him?
That's disgusting, Brandi!
Meanwhile, I'm not watching the time.
It's like 1:30
and I have to be at court at 2:30.
Wait, don't you have court today?
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck!
There was no time to even change,
to go home.
So, I roll up to court in my bathing suit,
like that's normal.
The judge, he's a jolly guy.
I made it, Your Honor.
But he's no pushover.
What are you wearing in my courtroom?
She was wearing
a very expensive bathing suit.
It's very expensive.
And, you know, this thing comes
with a bombshell bra
from Victoria's Secret.
So, he was probably looking
at the size of my breasts
because they're like inflated
like four times.
It's not like something
from a dollar store.
So, she thought it was okay,
but the judge disagreed.
The judge did not think it was okay.
I do not think this is okay.
So, they put me on a new medication
called Haldol.
"Haldol."
You are free to go, Mrs. Slavek.
-Your Honor!
-Free to go!
He leaves me out in the wild to go free.
You know, the thing about Haldol
it's actually prescribed,
generally, for schizophrenia.
I had a bad reaction to it.
The officer that arrested me was there
and I was feeling crazy.
I'll be watching you, lady.
And it made me delusional,
confused, looney tunes.
And one day, I'm taking you down.
I mean, it was bad.
I'm in looney tunes mode, and I'm jonesing
for my vape pen, but the battery is dead.
So, I went to this vape shop.
I don't know what came over me,
but I just needed a drag so bad.
They let me vape till I was ready to pay.
Only one problem.
I went to pay, and my card declined.
So, apparently even though
I couldn't buy a ten-dollar vape,
I thought it was a good idea to go
to the car dealership and get a new car.
So, I sit down with this lady,
and they were trying to do the numbers
with my car.
You have zero dollars.
And so I went, "Oh my God! I gots to go."
And I ran out of the dealership.
Meanwhile, the vape I couldn't pay for
was getting me in more trouble.
She stole from you.
I got accused of petty theft.
Petty theft!
So, now I look like a thief.
And, somehow, I ended up
in this very hoity-toity neighborhood.
It was a multi-million-dollar neighborhood
with homes by the beach.
And I'm still so bugged out
on this Haldol.
It's like Fantasy Island down here.
You know what I mean?
It's a beautiful day in Naples!
And then I started trying
to find my friend Gina.
But I wasn't having too much luck.
Hi. Hi. I'm looking for my friend Gina.
She lives down by the beach
at a house that looks similar
to the houses that I'm seeing.
She has a house really similar
to the houses that I'm seeing.
So, she's in this neighborhood
while she hallucinates about Cheshire cats
and everything else
that goes on in her mind.
Ahem.
Perhaps I can be of assistance.
To get to Gina's house, you just go down
the street and turn right.
Are you sure?
Trust me.
What's the worst that could happen?
-Thank you so much for your help.
-Absolutely.
Maybe it was a left turn.
Or an upturn. Or a downturn.
Depends which way you're looking at it,
doesn't it?
When I turn the corner, I immediately
see this one house, and I'm like
That's Gina's house.
What I didn't remember at the time
Gina?
was Gina's dead.
Oh, yes. Gina's been dead for years.
Should have mentioned that.
Gina, it's me, Natalie. I'm coming in.
Obviously, there's a problem going on
with my head
if I'm looking for dead people.
Gina! Bitch, where you at, girl?
So, here I am trespassing
Gine, Gines!
in the most expensive neighborhood
in America.
And my record still shows
battery on a law enforcement officer.
That doesn't get deleted.
I've been painted as a bad person.
-I think she's a bad person.
-That's her, all right.
And that taser-happy cop
Broke bitch.
is out there looking for me.
I can't catch a break
with law enforcement.
I walked into the kitchen,
and there she was.
Mrs. Myrtle.
She's the actual owner of the house.
And she's looking at me like,
"Who are you?"
Mrs. Myrtle wasn't her real name,
but she was a nice old lady.
-Hi.
-Hello?
It was bizarre.
My friends from California were here
and we were having coffee.
It wasn't really funny, but it was like
They're sitting there and said,
"What is going on here?"
Who is that?
She has these big pearls on her neck
and a bathing suit.
-Hi.
-I'm confused.
Like, they're confused.
And they're in their nineties.
You know, poor people.
I could have given them a stroke.
We were waiting for my niece to come.
Her name was Sarah.
Sarah!
My friend from California
has macular degeneration.
Sarah, we've been waiting for you!
She hugs Natalie
because she thinks it's Sarah.
I give this damn lady a hug.
And she says, "I'm Auntie."
It's me, Auntie!
And I'm saying, "That's not Sarah."
-Not Sarah?
-No, Mary, not Sarah.
-Then who are you?
-I'm calling the police.
Naples PD?
There's no need for that, Jim.
Hello? Hello?
I would've called the police immediately,
but I didn't feel threatened at all.
I was just watching her.
Like, "What on earth is she doing?"
Well, she just sort of
made herself at home.
And we just kind of sat there
and watched her.
I was very courteous.
You guys want some chips?
And I said,
"I'll just wait for Gina here."
I'll just wait for Gina here.
And then I got sleepy.
She goes in the bedroom,
and she gets in the bed.
And so, there was a bed,
and I'm like, "Oh, I need a nap."
I ended up laying down in that room
taking a nap.
This has gone too far.
I'm calling the authorities.
Naples PD.
I said no!
She wasn't violent.
She didn't do anything.
She just walked in the house
and then took a nap in the bedroom.
I need you to run
a trace on that last call.
It was a hot day in Florida,
so I jumped in her pool.
She does a lap in the swimming pool.
They let me just do whatever.
Marco!
I still thought it was Gina's house.
I didn't know it was trespassing.
Yet another crime.
I looked at my friend and I said,
"I gotta do something about this."
I gotta do something about this.
She's not in her right mind.
I come out and I talk to her,
and I said
You need to leave.
Then I guess I was tired of being there,
so I left.
She ran all the way through the house,
back out the door.
Thanks for the chips.
She gets in her car, drives erratically.
The three of us were standing
at the end of the drive,
and we discuss what we should do about it.
And I said,
"She has no business being in a car.
The only thing I can do
is call the police."
Because, otherwise,
who knows where she'll end up?
I ended up going down to the beach,
and I finally took that nap
that I was trying to take.
Hello, Naples Police Department.
I need to report a--
-Wow, excellent service.
-Where is she?
They got me to go down to the beach
to identify her.
And when we found her,
she looked confused and dazed,
and not knowing where she was.
You're mine now.
Police say she walked inside the house
because she thought it belonged
to one of her friends.
The news clip, actually,
just didn't make local news.
It made national news.
They even showed it in my hometown.
I was mortified.
This woman walked
right through the front door
and really made herself at home.
She needs a good hug,
and some clean clothes,
and a husband, probably.
She was on TV, and it was hilarious.
A guy on the news said,
"On the bizarre scale of one to ten"
This was a 11.
This Naples break-in is crazy.
They gave me 45 days.
So, they booked me in
at the Collier County Jail,
a.k.a. the Collier County Hotel.
Go to bed.
So, after a few days,
I realized I finally had all of this time
to work on my book.
And so,
I'm sitting there like Indian style,
curled down, trying to write.
I was having a classic beachy morning
I got a couple chapters written.
Rest in peace, Gina.
She came to me and said
she needed some help with her book.
So, I said, "Fine. Well,
let's start writing a book together."
She and I are writing it together.
As you can see, her name's on here too.
"Edward Caputo and Natalie Slavek."
Called Cuckoo Girl.
And that's the opening chapter
is about that experience.
I wanted to do the book
to help other people.
There's so many people out there
that have this disease.
I never heard of bipolar until,
basically, I met Natalie ten years ago.
There's a lot of cuckoo girls out there,
unfortunately.
And maybe by sharing the story,
they won't feel quite so alone.
The thing about mental illness,
everybody's so dark about it.
I'm just going with the punches,
'cause I like to laugh.
I think laughter
is the best medicine out there.
I think laughter
is the best medicine out there.
I'm living the dream.
I'm in control of my life.
And I'm living the state motto.
"Come here on vacation
and stay on probation."
I'm also working on, actually,
a screenplay called Endowed,
and it's about Charlie Sheen,
who is well-endowed,
gets into doing pornographic movies.
And the director
and producer are looking to film
a pornographic movie
about the perfect penis.
And so they're exploring, you know,
like Jon Hamm.
He's got a reputation for that.
And different people
who might have a perfect penis.
If Charlie Sheen is watching,
call me
That's my number.