Nobody Wants This (2024) s02e03 Episode Script

1
[singing in Hebrew]
[all] Amen.
Good Shabbas.
Esther.
Good Shabbas.
Everybody have?
I love how shiny this bread is.
Challah.
Challah!
Yes.
No, no, Joanne, Joanne, Joanne.
That is where Sasha sits.
You are sitting on Noah's other side.
- Sorry.
- [Esther] What am I doing?
Oh. Thank you, m'lady.
Your mom is really strict about seating.
- You'll get used to it.
- Okay.
- Can I have the soup?
- Oh yeah, soup.
I like you being at Shabbat.
It's my favorite time of the week.
I still think it's crazy you have dinner
with your family every Friday.
Some people would say this is a lot.
Well, family's important to me.
Noah, family is important to me too.
- We all share a Costco card.
- [cell phone chimes]
Joanne.
No phones at the table, please.
Sorry. Morgan was just texting my mom
happy birthday on our group chat.
Group chat?
On your mother's birthday? A text?
- That's it?
- Well
It's Lynn's birthday?
Mother waits a whole day for the phone
to ring? Day's almost over, six o'clock.
- Do you both hate your mother?
- No.
[sighs] I would kill
to just be left alone on my birthday.
- I didn't know. I didn't call her.
- Stop. It's not. Miscommunication.
Her birthday is the 8th.
Morgan thinks it's the 6th.
We've told her a zillion times.
It just doesn't stick.
- Okay. Huh.
- Today's the 6th.
- Correct.
- And her birthday is today?
- The 8th.
- Thank God I didn't miss it. Okay.
Okay.
Uh, what's the plan?
[tense music plays]
- What are we doing?
- Mm.
Um
I will call her.
[Ilan] Oh.
Saddest story ever told.
Can I have a pickle, please?
You don't do anything together? Nothing?
Not even a cake? Little candles?
Maybe a restaurant reservation? Please.
Balloon bouquet or an edible arrangement?
Don't you have any family traditions?
Yes.
We have family traditions.
- We just don't do them.
- Mm.
- Um
- [music fades]
Well, when I was little, my mom used to
get takeout for our birthday breakfast
and then get donuts instead of a cake.
- [Noah] Oh.
- [Esther] Oh.
- Sorry. That sounds hard.
- No, sounds good. Donuts are great.
Okay, so let's do that.
Oh, mm, I don't
I don't think my family's really the type.
Come on. You're joining my family
for our traditions.
I wanna be part of that stuff
with your family too.
[exhales]
[Noah] Please. Listen. It'll be
really fun. I'll plan the whole thing.
Text at six o'clock.
It's okay, Dad.
- Today's not her mom's birthday.
- [Ilan] Still.
We have 48 hours.
The 8th. Oh, the 8th.
[upbeat music plays]
Wait, so why are you making Mom
celebrate her birthday with us?
- Is she sick?
- No, she's fine.
I just think it would be nice
to circle back to family traditions.
- It's important to Mom.
- [music fades]
We both know Mom would
rather do her rituals with Goldie,
where they eat chocolate mushrooms
and cry outside.
Okay, fine. It means a lot to Noah, okay?
It was his idea, and family traditions
are weirdly important to him.
So you wanna impress Noah by doing
something we haven't done in 20 years?
Of course you don't get it. Okay.
I am in a mature adult partnership.
Noah and I are figuring out
how to be a "we."
- [Morgan snickers]
- And it's like a silent negotiation.
Ew.
- Hi.
- [Noah] Hey.
I'm working on my toast for Lynn tomorrow.
How long is yours gonna be?
'Cause it's weird if mine's longer.
- Um
- No, we don't do toasts. Mm-mm.
Toasts are for people
who have nice things to say.
Got it. Okay. Hey, here.
Can't just drink coffee all day.
Babe. Tracking my water intake?
- [Noah] Mm.
- [Joanne] God, that's so sweet.
Morgan, did you hear that?
Yeah. Don't you have, like,
a job to go to or something?
Yeah, things are just
a little bit slow right now.
People are interested
in working with Big Noah.
Knocking on my door a little bit less.
I think he peaked at his first sermon.
Oh my gosh. He actually got
the cover of Jewish Journal,
which, like, you don't know.
You don't know how hard that is to get.
Oh God, Jesus. I thought you had
the day off or something.
I didn't realize this would turn into
such an awkward conversation. God.
Okay, can we just talk about how
all of a sudden you're a babe girl?
You guys, Joanne is in deep.
I've never heard her call
anyone babe before.
Can we talk about something else?
Um
Do you have anything to share, Morgan?
Nope. I guess we'll have to pivot
to audience questions.
"A guy ghosted me after I waited
three months to have sex with him."
"What do I do?"
First of all, willpower. Um
Mind if I throw my two cents in?
I thought you didn't want
anything to do with the podcast.
I don't want any stuff about me on it,
but, you know,
I don't mind offering
a little advice on one question.
It's, uh, what I do.
- Okay, I don't know--
- A male perspective would be nice.
Okay, great.
First of all, on behalf of all men, sorry.
Ghosting is never cool.
In the Talmud,
Hillel offers us the golden rule.
That which is hateful to you,
do not do to others.
Now, we hear it all the time.
Treat others how you want to be treated.
But I think the reverse applies as well.
How you treat others
is how you treat yourself.
So if he can't be honest with you,
he's not honest with himself.
You don't want this guy.
Okay, Rabbi,
that was a really good answer.
Yeah, I was just gonna say
she might be bad in bed, but
Next question?
Okay, on to the next. [clears throat]
"Can I go out with a guy
my good friend dated
but was never official with?"
- No.
- Yes.
- Yes. No. I'll take this one, Joanne.
- No.
Hopefully, it ended amicably between them,
but because it ended,
yes, you have every right
to pursue a relationship.
I'm so sorry. I really, really disagree.
You can't ever date the ex of a friend
under any circumstance,
and I'm sure Hillel would agree.
What about the rules of love?
Being territorial over someone
it didn't work out with isn't cool.
They have to take a chance
if they think this might be their person.
Okay, next question. Where's the last
crazy place you guys had sex?
Um
Oh. We don't do that.
- What do you mean?
- We have
You know what I mean.
Okay, fine, lame. Um, give me
one juicy thing about your relationship.
Well, Morgan--
The freakiest thing
you guys have ever done.
We don't do anything
that the audience would find interesting.
Wait, that's not true.
Okay, tell me more, Rabbi.
- Say more, into the mic. Into the mic.
- Sorry, sorry.
- Absolutely. Sorry about her.
- I'll let you get back to it.
So the thing about Morgan is
that she doesn't understand privacy
based on the fact
that all her passwords are 1234,
and I have a folder full of her nudes
on my phone.
What the fuck?
Now I have to change all my passwords.
Don't smile. It's not cute.
[upbeat music plays]
How much time do you think
until Miri gets back?
Like, 42 minutes, you sick fuck.
We are not going again. [chuckles]
No, I was just thinking, like, we can,
you know, have some dessert,
watch something funny on TV.
I love dessert. I love this idea.
What do we have? [gasps]
You were I was first.
- No, I was I was clearly first.
- No.
Okay, we've got ice cream sandwiches?
Ice cream sandwich.
Thank you, babe.
- [Bina] Hello! Are you
- Oh God, Mom!
- [Bina] What?
- What are you doing here?
I thought we grabbed your key back.
Don't worry, I made a copy.
Hm.
Could you excuse us for a moment, please?
Oh, of course. So great to see you too.
- That's quite an outfit.
- [Esther] Oh, it's my pleasure.
- What the fuck?
- [Bina] Very original.
Sweetheart.
[door closes]
You're both half naked.
I mean, it's like
a spark has reignited in this marriage.
[Sasha] Yeah.
But it's not going to last.
It's not? Why? What What do you know?
What I know is that you need
to make the most of this moment.
Okay. I mean, I think I am.
- Have another baby.
- Oh!
- Shh! Shh.
- Mom, no.
Miri's perfect. We're one-hit wonders.
We're not gonna have another baby.
Miri's amazing,
but there is only one of her.
And babies. Babies are are a blessing.
And we need more.
And I can't rely on Noah anymore.
Who knows how long it will take him
to come to his senses?
I could be dead by then.
- [Sasha] Oh, Mom.
- What?
I don't want you to die.
Don't worry.
I will always be with you.
I am gonna need that key back.
No.
[upbeat music plays]
- Mm. Hi, Dad.
- [music fades]
Hey, sweethearts.
Don't get up
or help with any of this stuff.
- Sorry. Didn't know your arms were broken.
- Good.
- Hey, Henry. Great to see you.
- Hey, Noah. How are you?
Ah, I'm okay. I'm okay.
Thank you for asking.
They actually, uh, hired
a new head rabbi at my temple,
and so it's been a big change,
and I'm kind of--
Hey, do you wanna see a picture
of the new guy I'm dating?
- Okay.
- Oh, look there.
- Cute, right?
- Oh yes.
That's Tony, and that's one of
his chihuahuas. He's got three.
- Three chihuahuas?
- Yeah.
We had a fight last night,
and he still hasn't texted me.
- No, Dad.
- I'm sorry.
We are focusing on Mom today, right now,
and for the whole rest of the day.
- Okay?
- Yeah. All right.
- [Joanne] I'm serious.
- I'm serious too.
Morgan is bringing Thai food. What's next?
- Decorations.
- Decorations, okay. Oh!
Ha-Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday! Yay! Yes!
- Oh my. [chuckles] Oh my.
- Joanne.
- [Joanne] Yay, happy--
When do you think this will wrap up,
so I can tell Goldie?
Uh, I don't think asking when it will end
is in the spirit of the event.
Well, you know, I firmly believe
you have to spend your birthday
in the energy you wanna manifest
for the coming year.
- I need peace today.
- Yeah.
- I don't want any fighting.
- Yes.
No, there's no fighting.
We're all here to celebrate you, Mom.
Look at all the stuff Noah brought.
And we got donuts,
and, uh, he bought a tiara.
Also, these temporary tattoos
that say Girl Power. We put 'em on.
It's very inspiring.
- Girl Power.
- Girl power.
Oh my God. I always wanted a tramp stamp.
- Today's the day.
- [Morgan] Hi.
- Sorry I'm late.
- [Joanne] Yes, let's do it.
- Hi.
- Hey.
[clears throat] This is Dr. Andy.
- Who?
- [Andy] Uh, hi.
I am Morgan's boyfriend.
Oh.
[intriguing music plays]
Please just call me Andy.
Drop the doctor. I don't need that.
- Hey, Andy. I love your pants.
- Thank you.
[Joanne] I'm so sorry. I'm confused.
Are you an escort,
or are you doing a prank?
Oh my gosh. Well, this is Joanne.
- [Morgan] Yeah.
- Has to be. That's a Joanne response.
- I know, right?
- See? Immediately just walls up.
Anyway, I love it.
I'm so honored to meet you all.
I can't wait to get to know you.
I'm gonna put this down.
- Right there, I bet.
- Thank you, baby.
What?
Who is that?
[Morgan] He's my boyfriend.
I just told you.
- Not bad. I like him.
- [Morgan] Thank you.
- I think he's sexy.
- What's going on?
She is fucking nuts if she thinks
she's in charge of me
having a whole-ass baby.
Is this The Handmaid's Tale?
I never saw past season one,
but I don't think
it gets any better for the gals.
I don't know. I think I hate the idea.
And when she first brought it up,
I was, like, absolutely not.
Right?
Now that you seem, like,
it's never gonna happen,
I don't really know which way I'm leaning.
No, I mean
I just loved it when Miri was little,
and she'd have a little temper tantrum
and then she'd tire herself out,
and she'd fall asleep on my chest.
I loved that.
Sash, we are five years away
from being empty nesters.
We are so close.
Think about the stuff we could do.
You could You could finally
get your ear pierced.
We could We could take a dance class.
We could try new drugs.
We could live in a cool neighborhood
instead of, like,
right school district neighborhood.
We could stay in bed all of Sunday.
Never get out of the bed.
This is the stuff we never got to do
before we had Miri.
All right. Rock and roll.
I'll do all that stuff with you.
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
Sash!
Except for the dancing.
I'm too tall to dance.
Hey, who is this Tony guy
Dad keeps talking about?
I didn't know him and Pat broke up.
Okay, I am not fucking talking about Pat.
What is happening?
How do I not know
that you have a boyfriend? Who is he?
Where did he come from?
How long has this been going on?
Well, I've known him for a little while,
but this all is very new.
- Okay, I saw you less than 24 hours ago.
- So?
Since then, you've sent me
a thousand text messages
asking whether or not you have a mustache.
I was trying to be private
while I figured out how I felt. Okay?
- I do understand privacy, Joanne.
- You call me about everything.
You call me before a date, after a date.
Half the time, you call when on the date.
So don't act like it's normal
that you bring some random guy home,
who I've never even heard of,
to Mom's birthday
and say he's your boyfriend.
Okay, he is not random, all right? Mm.
You're not the only one who gets to have
a "mature adult" partnership.
A mature adult partnership?
Are we on the same planet?
You know what? I'm gonna go help
my boyfriend, Andy, set the table.
Oh, man, I'm telling you,
it is just really hard dating at my age.
- Mm.
- [Henry] I wish I came out earlier.
This all wouldn't just feel so new to me.
Trust me, whenever you get out there,
it's always confusing.
We all feel like we're messing up
all the time, you know?
- I think you're doing a great job.
- Really?
I do. I absolutely do.
I also think you need to give Tony a text.
- I should text him?
- Yeah, you should text him.
Become worthy
of the relationship you want.
[exhales]
You're really good at this.
Traditionally, the tops text first.
I'm kidding. I'm not gonna tell you
what position I am.
- I'm gonna text him.
- Oh, it's
- [Henry] Thank you, Noah.
- My pleasure.
[Morgan and Andy giggle]
- Hi.
- [Noah] Hey.
- Having fun?
- You know, Henry and I were bonding.
- I think I said something that landed.
- [Joanne] Great.
Keep letting him talk about himself,
you'll become his favorite person.
Um, hey.
Can you go get to know
Morgan's boyfriend, you know?
And do not come back with just,
"He's from Ohio." I need details.
- Girl power.
- Girl power. Thank you.
Hey, Mom, will you help me
find the fun plates in the sauna?
- I love the fun plates.
- [Joanne] Okay.
- We're pulling 'em out?
- Yeah.
- [intriguing music plays]
- [Lynn] I think they're by the snowman.
Let me look.
Uh-huh.
I can't believe we're pulling 'em out.
It's here.
No, what? Stop looking for the fun plates.
I don't care about the fun plates.
- I don't know. Stop. Sit down.
- You told me you wanted the fun plates.
- [music fades]
- Listen, did you know about Dr. Andy?
He's so annoying.
Like, is he even really a real doctor?
He's giving more life coach vibes.
Well, she might have mentioned it.
I'm not sure.
You know,
I can never keep up with your sister.
One day she's converting.
The next day she's not converting.
Mom, that was me.
Both my girls are wild cards.
And you know,
I'm not worried about Morgan's beau.
I have strong intuition. I like him.
Mm-mm. You're wrong.
Something's off. It feels weird.
Otherwise, why would she have
kept this from me for even a second?
We tell each other everything. It's like,
what if he's got her in some Ponzi scheme?
Or a pyramid scheme.
Remember when she lost all her money
to that guy who said he was gonna
reinvent the hot dog for millennials,
and she kept saying,
"It's a hot dog for us"?
Maybe he's just married.
No, Morgan's told me about
plenty of married men. That can't be it.
Are you guys talking about me and Tony?
No, honey.
[intriguing music plays]
And here's some delicious rice.
Oh, baby, can you pour me some water
so I don't get dehydrated?
Of course, principessa.
Oh my
[giggles] You're so cute.
Thank you.
Of course, come here.
- Okay. I'm here.
- [Andy] So beautiful.
So cute.
- [Andy] Oh God.
- [music fades]
[Noah] So how'd you two meet?
What's your story?
Give me every little detail.
- Okay. You go.
- Well. Okay.
We met in therapy.
Mm. Group therapy.
Well, no, not group therapy.
Um, but that's cool. Keep guessing.
Hm. Uh
The waiting room.
- [imitates buzzer]
- [both laugh]
- Nope. Getting warmer though.
- No. Yeah.
All right, let me think here. Uh
The parking lot. No, no, wait.
Uh, the elevator from the parking lot.
You met in the elevator.
- I'm Morgan's therapist.
- Mm.
[intriguing music plays]
Oh.
- I wasn't warm at all.
- I mean, he's not my therapist anymore.
No, of course
I'm not her therapist anymore.
We had our closeout session last week.
- Of course.
- [Morgan] It was really intense. He cried.
No, I didn't cry. I wept.
You did.
Mm.
- [Andy] And you make You make
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
[Joanne] It's like a Hallmark movie
where two people pretend to be a couple
for a big family gathering.
I love that movie. Melissa Joan Hart.
People say I look like her.
[Henry] What?
[music fades]
- I can see--
- [Noah] Hello.
- Oh, hi.
- Hey, guys.
Was just chatting
with Morgan and Dr. Andy.
I knew it. He's not a real doctor.
I couldn't imagine
letting that guy operate on me.
- He's probably a chiropractor.
- He's her therapist.
- What?
- Yep. Yep. Yep.
- Dr. Andy is Morgan's therapist.
- No.
[gasps]
I kissed my therapist once.
But he said it was a trust exercise.
Your responses are alarming.
I have to say,
this is a very concerning situation.
Thank you.
Someone finally normal. Thank you.
Our couples therapist?
- Yeah.
- Oh my God.
[Morgan] Where is Where is everybody?
Did anyone notice a brainwashy energy?
I'd love to be brainwashed.
What the hell?
Are you out here talking shit about me?
He's your therapist.
- How do you expect us to react?
- [Henry] Here we go.
Oh, right, and you pick such
perfect relationships, too, Joanne, right?
Look at Noah. Fucking loser, jobless,
almost homeless, drifter boyfriend.
Fuck you, bitch!
[intriguing music plays]
Oh, Tony texted me back. Thank you, Noah.
You know what? Do not compare
my relationship to your mental breakdown.
- Right, 'cause you're doing so great.
- [music fades]
Pretending to care about some tradition
none of us wanna be at
because you need to prove something.
No, I don't.
And I did tell you my therapist
was in love with me many times.
Am I supposed to believe
everything you say?
According to you,
you could've been Meghan Markle.
I said I saw Prince Harry at a bar,
and there was a vibe, okay?
And there was a vibe. Why do you think
I waited to tell you I fell for Andy?
Because I knew that you would be
judgmental about how we met.
Not that you noticed what's going on.
You're too caught up in your relationship.
You know what? You all suck.
Come on, we're going.
And by the way, this is the first man
I've brought home since my divorce,
and none of you have even tried
to get to know him.
- Well, I did.
- It's bullshit.
I guess we're still adjusting
to the very jarring fact that
you two are breaking the law by dating.
Andy knows all of my trauma
and all of my baggage,
and he accepts me for it.
By the way, you guys are where
I got all my trauma and baggage.
This isn't the energy I want
for the rest of my year.
You know, I'm so done with all of you.
You know, none of you support me. Not one.
I know our relationship started out
in an unorthodox way.
It's not perfect, but we're really happy.
[door closes]
[melancholy music plays]
[laughs]
[knocking on door]
You okay?
Will you come lay with me?
With your mom in her bed?
She's pretty locked into her movie.
[laughs]
Okay.
But no funny business.
[Lynn laughs]
[music fades]
[Noah exhales]
So why are you sad?
Do you think I'm judgmental?
I mean, I think you're very passionate,
and I think
sometimes you jump to extremes
and commit really hard.
I never do that.
- Give me one example when I did that.
- Um
I mean, you called our sex life
uninteresting on your podcast.
Wow. You really had that loaded
and ready to go?
- Okay.
- Maybe.
You told me not to say
anything personal about us,
so that was me avoiding it.
I know. I know you're just trying
to respect my request.
Well, off the record, obviously,
I know we do
some pretty interesting stuff.
Oh, obvi. Just, you know,
let everyone else know.
Can I give you some advice?
Are you my rabbi now?
No. Just your boyfriend.
I think you should support Morgan.
I can't.
I can't support her
with an unethical therapist.
I'm not saying support the relationship.
I just think you should support her.
I mean, it makes a lot of sense
why she was scared to tell you.
She really cares what you think,
even though I know she swears she doesn't.
I guess that's true.
Damn.
You are really good at helping people.
Thank you.
I miss it.
I miss being needed by my community.
Sounds like you need a rabbi, Rabbi.
[gentle music plays]
I'm sorry you don't get to do the job
you always dreamed of.
Oh.
I still will.
I'm sorry I pushed you all
to celebrate my way.
I think I've just been channeling
my energies into the wrong places.
- I did have fun with your family though.
- [laughs]
And I'll deny it, but [exhales]
I really loved being the one
to tell you all he's her therapist.
- Noah Roklov. You're a gossip.
- Mm-hmm.
That's against Jewish rules.
You told me that when we met.
Aw.
Babe, you remember
my first Judaism lesson.
[snorts]
I really love you.
I love you.
[Lynn] What a special moment
for the three of us to share.
[Joanne sighs]
This is the energy I wanna manifest.
[Joanne snorts]
Me too, Lynn.
[upbeat music plays]
Hi.
[music fades]
Oh, great. Thanks for ordering me one.
[clears throat]
- Andy suggested we talk, so I'll go first.
- Mm.
[sighs]
- Why does this bother you so much?
- Because he's your therapist.
Joanne, he knows every single thing
about me, and he still loves me.
I want my, you know,
fairy tale too.
Okay.
Okay.
- Okay.
- [Joanne] I get it.
I will try and do my best
to give him a chance.
Thank you.
[gentle music plays]
[Noah] Today I'll be discussing
Parshat Beshalach.
Now, after the Jews' departure from Egypt,
they had their freedom,
but they had no food.
They had no shelter.
They wandered through the wilderness
without knowing what would happen next.
[knocking on door]
[Rabbi Cohen] Rabbi Roklov?
At my house?
- Hey, what's all this?
- [Rabbi Cohen] Have a seat.
Yeah, I was just in the pool.
I was practicing for my scuba lesson.
The wife and I are getting certified.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Okay, so you're enjoying it.
Retirement?
Yeah. And, you know,
the part of your life you didn't plan for.
I'd say I'm asking for a friend,
but I think we both know that's not true.
And that's the point of faith, right?
It doesn't exist in the plans we make.
It exists in the unknown.
Otherwise, tough decisions would be easy.
There'd be no risk.
All right, now, that's a cute baby.
She is cute.
The moment after you take a leap of faith
[baby giggles]
that's the scariest time.
You know what? Fuck it. Let's do it.
- What?
- Let's have another baby.
She's not that cute.
[Noah] Because you can't go back.
You don't know if it'll work out.
I've been freaking the fuck out
about not working. Avoided it for years.
Turns out,
I feel my most free when I'm in the water.
Never could have planned for that.
But if you don't risk,
you might not experience life.
You might never learn
if that person is right for you,
or if you love to swim.
Here's what I do know.
Over these last few days,
I've been reminded
that there are people
who need what I have to give.
This new guy is a great rabbi
because we know what we're getting.
You are a great rabbi
because you think outside the box.
So trust yourself.
Figure it out.
Now, this congregation
has begun its next chapter.
And it's not what I had planned.
So now I need to find my next chapter too.
It's been an honor and a privilege
getting to know you.
I love you all, and I plan to see you
many more times throughout the years.
It's time for me
to wander through the wilderness.
Oh my God.
This will be my final sermon
at Temple Chai.
My dirty secret in an old coat pocket ♪
My dirty laundry underneath your bed ♪
I had a dream I had you in my kitchen ♪
And now you're in my head
You're living in my head ♪
A palamino in a midland accent ♪
I wasn't wild, but I could have been ♪
I like the way
You answer all my questions ♪
Can I see you again?
Can I see you again? ♪
If I want to ♪
If I have you on my mind ♪
If I'm patient ♪
If it's complicated
Then it's complicated ♪
[music fades]