On the Buses (1969) s02e03 Episode Script

On the buses, self-defence, production number 0278, date recorded 29th 5th 69,
part 1, take 1.
Butler?
What do you want me to wait here all night, do you?
You were due back at 10.37. I've got an home to go to, you know.
Listen, mate, don't you start.
Blimey, I've had a bellyful, mate, I'm not joking.
Every Saturday night it's the same, hasn't it?
Football, crowd and pub nights.
Yes, yes, we know all about your moaning, Butler.
We all have to put up with these Saturday night louts, you know.
What are you talking about, you have to put up with what?
You stay here safe while we battle our way back home again.
Another thing, we don't need any more of these posters on these buses late at
night.
You see, it's that bikini bit that gets the eulogues going.
But what do they want to do the likes of that for, for God's sake?
They wanted to see what was underneath, didn't they?
Well, why didn't you get out and stop them then?
I did.
That's when I copped this lot.
Well, they'd like to find out what you had on underneath today.
They'd like to defrock you.
You're in a very exposed position when you're getting out of that cab, mate.
Very vulnerable.
Yes, we'll put in a claim for it then.
Hey, where's your windscreen wiper gone?
They nicked it.
Good God in heaven.
Whatever did they intend to do with that?
Well, look at me pocket and I'll give you three guesses.
Oh, Chris, I'll have to make out a report about this now, won't I?
What's up with you then?
Oh, blimey.
What a journey.
That's the worst yet.
What have you stuffed all the titty-tutty up on the doorstep?
What's all that then?
Oh, I didn't stuff them up there.
One of the passengers did it when I had to nerve to ask for his fare.
It's a good job me ticket machine was fastened round me neck or he'd have
stuffed that up there as well.
You should have given him a good punch on the nose, mate.
I couldn't cos he was sharpening his razor on me strap.
I'm not kidding.
It was a bloody awful night.
Look what they wrote on the bus.
Queen's Park Rangers are a lot of
A lot of what?
The other words on the back of the bus.
That's absolutely disgusting.
I'd better get that washed off before the clippers see it.
You're too late, mate.
Here they come, look.
I'm sorry about that, love.
It's just written there by some ignorant lout.
Yeah, you're right, mate.
And they don't even know how to spell it.
Couple of little bits here and there still.
Oi, come back, you two.
I've got to make out a report about this.
Better get that washed off right away.
Don't worry about washing that off, mate.
I tell you, he wouldn't have washed that off.
What's that?
It's only a hand, innit?
Yeah, you haven't seen what's attached to it.
Go on, then, Stan.
Show him.
It's a naked woman.
You've got an amazing memory.
Open them doors, quick.
I like that, Jack.
I wish we could fold our women up like that and put them away.
Well, this is absolutely disgusting.
It must have been a violent night you had on here.
You must be joking, mate.
I tell you what.
We need protection, this is quite right.
We're not taking any more buses out after 9 o'clock on a Saturday night, are
we, Jack?
Now, you've been briefed what to do.
The slightest sign of trouble, go to the nearest telephone box and get the
police.
I didn't have to, mate.
They got it for me.
Here.
I'm afraid you'll have to stay and make out a full report with me.
Oh, blimey, that'll take hours.
I'm supposed to pick up the fish and chips.
They're waiting for me at home.
That's all right, mate, that's your pigeon.
Anyway, you had trouble on the bus, right?
Yeah.
What you needed was a show of authority on that bus, mate.
You needed me on that bus.
Oh, blimey.
I must say one thing.
We might get a load of scum on a Saturday night, but we never get any
inspectors.
Oh, here he is at last.
About time, too.
I'm famished.
Oh, Stan, you're an hour late.
Are you all right, love?
Yeah, of course I am.
Well, where the devil have you been, then?
We've been worried to death, haven't we, Arthur?
Not particularly.
Dad, where are the fish and chips?
I couldn't get them.
I was too late.
You?
Why?
Because I had a punch-up with some hooligans, that's why.
There you are.
I told you something would happen when you didn't come in with the supper.
We were worried to death.
Yeah, didn't know whether to phone the police or open a tin of corned beef.
Thank you very much.
They were a load of hooligans.
A rough mob, I'm telling you.
Oh, don't give me that.
You've been delayed through mucking around with them clippies again.
Clippies?
Look at this, mate.
They're scratches, boy.
I'll tell you something, dear mum.
That's my shirt all the time.
Look at that.
Do you think the clippie did that?
Well, you never know with your luck.
I think it's terrible.
Look at his trousers.
Yeah, what are we going to do?
They're all torn, his trousers, at the back.
Yeah, well, I'll tell you something.
They should put real men on those last buses.
I mean, there's only one way to deal with a mob, mate, and that is to face
them.
I dig.
Judging by the turn of your trousers, we can all tell which way you were
facing.
I know you want an umbrella, love.
You can do a lot of danger with an umbrella.
It's very good for defending yourself.
Yeah, mum always used to make me carry one so I could defend my honour.
Did she ever use it?
Only when it rained.
Well, I tell you something, something's got to be done.
Do you know what, mum?
One bloke got hold of my head and he bashed it up against the bus.
Well, I can tell you something, mate, he certainly wouldn't have done that to
me.
He couldn't, you've got nothing here to grumble about.
I'm here to tell you that going thin on top is a sign of male virility.
Not always.
Yeah, well, you do need certain other requirements.
Well, I think it's dreadful.
My stand might have been hurt.
Thanks, mum, you were right.
Well, they've got to do something.
They can't live on your sick pay.
And then a lot of hooligans.
Yeah, well, there's a lot of violence about nowadays, my friend.
Well, if you ask me, it's the pill that's causing it.
What a lot of rot you two talk.
Oh, blimey, mum, that's daft.
Well, now, if it wasn't for the pill, half these lights would be at home
changing nappies.
Well, I still think your bus company should do something about it.
What, about the pill?
No, about the pill.
I mean, we can't have this every Saturday night, never knowing whether or not
we're going to get our fish and chips.
Don't you worry, Arthur, the union's taking it up.
They're doing something about it, mate, I'm telling you.
That's a joke.
Your union can't even protect you from the government.
Well, if they don't, we'll all come out on unofficial strike.
Oh, Stan, you can't do that.
Why?
Well, Barbara Carson might come along and take our furniture away.
What a charming family, aren't I?
Well, I expect something to be done about it.
Well, I'm sorry, loves, it's corned beef and cocoa.
Go on, love, have the tin.
Oh, let's forget the corned beef, let's just have some cocoa.
No food?
Oh, Arthur, I shall need something to put me to sleep.
Aye.
Well, perhaps you're right.
Better open the corned beef for me.
I'll get the tea, then, Jackson.
On second thought, you'll get the tea, mate.
Hello, darlings, I see you've kept us a couple of seats, eh?
How's it going in love, all right?
Oh, do you know, yet?
Still got two weeks' training before they pass us out.
I'll tell you what, one night out with us and you'll get your diploma in art
now.
Mind you, you could lose your good conduct medal.
Oh, no, I won't, mate, I'll keep it under lock and key.
How about us four going out tonight, then, eh?
Oh, well, I don't know.
We'll have to think it over.
Come on, Joyce, let's get some fast.
Oh, blimey, mate, I reckon we're flogging the den also, Jack.
Don't be ridiculous, that blonde bitch's crazy about me.
Only she doesn't know it yet, that's all.
Get out of the way.
Pay attention now.
Official notice here from the office.
Hang on, the Führer talks.
Oi, Blakey, what have the management done about this hooliganism thing on a
Saturday night, you know?
It's all up there on the notice, mate.
The management, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that in view of the
attacks on the private person of the busman, they're going to be trained to
defend theirself.
Yeah, let's have a look at that.
Yeah, what do you say, Jack?
Here, listen to this, fellas.
All those wishing to avail themselves of a series of lessons in judo and karate
should sign below.
These will be given by a qualified expert.
Who's that?
That's me.
You?
You?
It just so happens, mate, I've made a deep study of the subject.
I train men in the army in unarmed combat.
Well, it will leave me out, mate, because I don't believe in violence.
Since when?
Since last Saturday night when that lout kicked me up the gearbox.
My motto is make love, not war.
Well, I tell you, it won't get me rolled in a bat on a hard floor, break me
neck.
That's all right, mate, we're going to have a nice soft mattress down here,
that's all right.
You won't get none of the lads to sign that, you know.
That's a typical managerial trick, innit?
Here, here, let's have a cup of tea, Jack.
Go on, then.
Here.
Hey, those two birds are signing it.
Yeah, well, I think I'll shove me moniker down and all.
I wouldn't mind rolling in a bat on a mattress with them two.
Ain't rolling in a bat in a Boston crab.
No.
Go on, then.
Hey, now, wait a minute, now.
Hey, now, now, wait a minute.
Get out of here.
Well, come
on, then, it's half past five.
Where's the fighting inspector, the wizard of self-defence?
He's late.
He probably got done up on his way here.
Yeah, well, give us a bit more time to chat up the birds, eh?
Yeah, all right.
Ah, look, it's got to be thirsty work, all this self-defence love, so what
about coming out for a drink after this?
Well, I mean, we don't know much about you two, do we?
Oh, come off it.
Stan's the best folk on the buses, hadn't you?
Yeah.
He always stops when requested.
Just stick your hand up.
The only trouble is I can't see in the dark.
Well, what about it, then?
Can't wait.
Well, we'll think about it.
Yeah.
Oh, look, here comes the inspector.
Oh, back time, too.
Get off that man.
Eh?
Get off that man, come on.
All right, all right.
Get off.
You all gather round now, we'll make a quick start.
Oh, blimey, he's got his pyjamas on.
Come on, all get round here.
Nice big semi-circle round here, please.
Sorry, love, sit down there.
No, I'll get out of the way.
All down on your hunkers.
Nice and comfortable.
Appreciate it, love.
Now, then.
The quickest way of teaching self-defence is a method of karate known as
Atomite.
What's Atomite?
That's Japanese, mate.
Get out of it.
It's showing off now.
What do you mean?
And how do you know?
Well, I did tell you I made a deep study of this subject, mate.
Where do you think I got that black belt from?
You cut the suspenders off, didn't you?
No, he's got those on underneath.
Now, then.
Now, I've brought along a chart here to show you the more sensitive parts of
the human body.
Right?
I've got copies of it over there on the table.
You can all take one of them when you go and study them at your own
convenience.
Hey, just a minute.
Is that a man or a woman?
Now, what possible difference can that make?
Oh, blimey, you've led a sheltered life, haven't you?
Now, pay attention.
Now, I want you to imagine that this is one of them ignorant louts coming at
you on the late bus.
Oh, they're starved.
I mean, if he walked about like that, he'd be had up for indecent exposure.
Not that one, wouldn't he?
He's got nothing to expose.
The basic theory of karate is that you apply the maximum pressure to any one of
these sensitive points, right?
The atomic.
And you do this with the edge of your hand, known as the shuto, otherwise known
as the chop, right?
Ato!
Ato!
Ato!
Ato!
Like this.
It's no use at all going like this or like this, right?
Not unless you're swatting flies.
All get up and form a circle around the edge of the mat, will you?
We're going to have a little demonstration now.
Butler, you come over here, mate.
Who, me?
What for?
You're going to be the demonstration.
Oh.
Right then.
Now, what I'm going to do is I'm going to try and make a chop with my shuto at
your atomi.
I'm going to try and find it, right?
Yeah.
Not if I find yours first.
Yeah.
I'm going to give you a light chop now.
Yeah.
On your carteroid artery.
Yeah, yeah.
That's number five on the chart over there, right?
Right, right, right.
Ato!
Ooh!
Now, you see, I was holding myself back then.
Otherwise, I might very easily kill my opponent.
Unless, of course
Unless, of course, the temptation proves too much.
Right.
Now then.
You have a try, right?
Yeah.
Now, imagine
Imagine I'm one of them great big ignorant louts coming at you.
Well, that's easy for a start.
Ready?
Make a chop at my atomi.
Here, here, or there, right?
Sensory spot.
Right, right.
Right, I mean, it hurts.
That's because you're doing it all wrong, mate.
Thank you.
Can anyone tell me what he's doing wrong?
No.
He's giving himself away with his eyes, mate.
I can tell what you're going to do by your eyes.
Yeah.
And if they're bloodshot, he's done it.
Now, shut up, Jack.
Just a minute.
What did you mean by me giving myself away with my eyes, Gordon?
Well, your eyes are looking straight at the place you're going to strike at
every time.
Oh.
Can we have another go then?
All right.
Right, you ready then?
Right.
No, no.
No.
That hurt.
That hurt, didn't it?
No.
That was cheating, mate.
He was looking in two places at the same time.
That's a little trick I've picked up snogging in the park.
Yes, well, there's various other methods of self-defence, but I'll get to them
presently.
Now, in the meantime, I'd like to see what some of you others would do if you
were attacked.
Oi, oi.
Where are you off to then?
You'll have to put me hand up, mate.
I've drunk a lot of tea waiting for you, you know.
Yes, well, we can't all wait till he comes back, can we?
Now, in the meantime, I'd like to see what some of you young ladies would do if
you were attacked.
Would anyone like to volunteer out of you lot?
Thank you very much, miss.
Very kind of you.
Any fella like to come and
Yes?
Yeah, I'll force myself if you ask.
Get out of here.
Go on, I'll be here first.
That's the right one.
Yeah.
Now, what I want you to do, miss, is try and seek out for one of his sensitive
points, right?
Yeah, well, that shouldn't be too difficult.
Have a go at it with your chute, though.
Yeah, all right.
Right.
Yeah, I wasn't ready.
That's
Time!
Come on!
Time!
Come on!
That was absolutely lovely.
I couldn't have done better than that myself.
Yeah, that's not fair.
She's a karate expert.
Well, I've never done karate in me life, but I did do five years of judo.
Only five years?
Blimey, you were a quick learner.
That's not ugly, mate.
Fellas, I feel a lot better now.
What's going on?
What's happening?
Well, this young lady here has been very kindly showing us what she'd do if she
was attacked.
Oh, yeah?
I don't suppose you'd like to come and try and attack her, would you?
Me?
Yeah.
Go on, stand up.
Now, look, love, look, I don't want to hurt you, OK?
Oh, no, it's all right.
It's all right.
If I do, you start yelling.
I'll soon pack it in.
I'll play the white man.
Right.
Now, what I want you to do is make a grab for her, right?
I'm going to join in.
I think we're all going to enjoy this.
Are you ready?
I'm going to grab for you, love.
I'll tell you when I'm coming.
Here we go.
Right.
Oh, blimey!
Oh, oh, oh.
Now, now, this is a Japanese stranglehold.
Now, it's very potent.
Apart from the choking effect, it could very easily break his opponent's neck
with this.
Now, now, miss, if he tries to hit or strike you in any way, a sharp quickening
of the pressure is sufficient to stop him.
Oh, God!
Permanently.
Oh, blimey.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
God!
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh!
That was a My Gary kick.
My Gary Kee-agry.
Oh!
A sweeping ankle.
Very nicely done.
Oh, dear.
Ah!
And that was a headmare.
Perfect.
A perfect headmare.
All right.
I have enjoyed that.
I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it.
That was absolutely lovely.
All right then, we'll have a break for five minutes for tea, now, and we'll
come back We can have another go afterwards, right?
Oh, blimey!
God, blimey, Jack, what happened there, mate?
It's alright, you didn't hurt her.
Oh, good.
I've had enough of this, mate.
I'm going out for a rest.
I don't know about you.
You coming?
Nah, I still reckon we've got a chance with those birds.
You must be out of your mind, mate.
We never take liberties with them.
No, but with a bit of luck they might take liberties with us.
Oh, blimey, I haven't even got the strength for that, mate.
Oh, where's my shoes?
Over there.
Right, here.
Don't forget your chart.
What chart?
Oh, that chart, yeah.
I'll see you later on, then, Jack.
Sit back here, Mum, look.
Oh, I say.
Oh, you have got a nasty bump there, love.
Oh, I'll put a cold compress on that.
It's alright, I wouldn't bother about anything.
No, I will.
I'll put it on.
It'll be better for you.
Oh, what are you doing?
Oh, blimey!
Is it hurting, love?
No, the cold water ran all down my face.
Oh, I'm sorry, love.
Evening, all.
Evening, Mum.
What's up with you?
You haven't had Rob with the eyes on your bus again?
No, he's been having a lesson in self-defence.
Self-defence?
You'd have been better off with the hooligans, if they only tore your trousers.
Nah, we had a lesson in karate.
Our inspector's a bit of an expert at it.
Look, Arthur, Stan brought home a chart on karate.
Did you know I had 18 sensitive points on my body?
God, so I've ever noticed.
Well, they're all marked there.
That's him I bought.
What a load of codswallop.
That's not codswallop, mate.
If you study that chart properly, blimey, you could kill people.
Yes, they made it easy.
Like painting by numbers.
Oh, see, if something out comes of you, give him a good punch up his number
four.
If that don't work, you slash him in his number seven.
And if that don't work, you knee him up his number nine.
Then you have legs 11, shout full house and bingo.
I really ought to study this chart.
What on earth for?
Well, you never know, Arthur.
It might come in useful some nights.
Aye.
Well, I could defend myself if a man jumped out of the bushes at me on a dark
night.
Had to be a pretty dark night.
That's not a very nice thing to say.
Stan, stick up for your sister.
Wouldn't have to be a dark night, would it?
Not necessary.
A foggy one would do.
No, I was only joking, love.
Does this really work?
No, it's a load of twaddle.
It's not twaddle.
I'll show you, Rolly.
It's like what that bloke 007 done, you know, in the James Bond pictures, you
know.
Now, you put your thumb in there like that cos it makes it tougher, is it
there?
See, that's called a shoot-o.
You see, now you go
Huzzah!
Oh, my.
Quite the love that, isn't it, Mumsy?
No, no, that's what you're supposed to do.
Put the wind up you see.
Now, these are your vital spots here, see.
Now, don't look at me like that, Arthur.
You're always scoffing at me.
Come out here, love, come here.
Now, I'll show you what it is.
Now, these are my two sensitive spots here, you see.
Now, you attack me there, see.
Now, now, be careful, she might hurt you.
No, no, no.
The inspector taught me to parry all blows on how to stop everything.
Right, away you go, go on.
Now, see what I mean?
Yes.
See what I mean?
Yes.
Now, she
She always loses her temper.
Oh!
Oh, be careful, be careful, be off, be off.
He's done right, isn't he?
He does work.
Oh.
Hello, Arthur.
Come for Stan.
Is he expecting you?
No, I've fixed up a date for him.
We're on to a good thing.
A couple of little ravers.
Oh.
Come here, darlings.
Now, this is Stan's brother-in-law, Arthur.
Joyce, Liz.
Hello.
How do you do?
They're very nice, aren't they?
Well, I think you'll find Stan in the kitchen.
Yeah, all right, shan't be a minute, darlings.
I'll have a look after you.
Do you live round here, do you?
Hello, Jack, mate.
Look, what are you doing sitting here with your feet up having a kick?
Come on, I've got the birds lined up.
Come on, Stan.
Oh, be off!
Use your loaf, mate, will you?
Look, look.
What have you done to yourself?
Oh, practising that judo.
I fell awkwardly.
I twisted me ankle and I dislocated me shoulder.
How is that all?
Now, come on, I've got the birds lined up.
Joyce and Liz, they're outside.
Come on.
Where are they?
Go.
You mean you've got them in the hall now?
Yeah.
Oh, I've got to have a go at that, haven't I?
I've got to try.
Look at his head.
Oh!
There you go.
That's it.
You'll find me
Oh, God almighty.
No.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Oh, come on.
Make the effort.
Think of the birds.
Look, with me ankle like that and me shoulder like this, the rest of me's no
good anyway.
Oh, look.
How's that then?
I'll just have to try and find some other bloke who's got the evening free.
Oh.
Well, er
Since you mention it, I wonder if, er
Oh, Stan!
You must come and help me get the washing in.
Me chill blades are playing me on.
Oh, shut up.
What was that you were saying, Arthur?
Nothing.
I was, er
just having a dream.
Come in, sunshine.
Oh, well.
Better get going.
I'll tell you all about it in the morning.
Oh, I think I'll take the chart just in case she's forgotten where me sensitive
points are.
Oh!