Platonic (2023) s02e03 Episode Script

1
[brushing teeth]
[Charlie] So, she said you were nothing?
[Sylvia] Exactly.
Is there a chance she just misspoke?
Oh, she misspoke, all right.
Well, you know I mean,
it did take me some time
to understand your relationship with Will.
Maybe… Maybe she's just
going through a similar thing.
Do not compare yourself to this woman.
She's a monster.
[phone chimes]
Oh, my God.
What? What is it? Did your mom die?
No.
[gasps] Oh, my God, baby!
I can't believe this is happening.
I've imagined this moment
- so many times and now it's happening.
- For so long.
- It's finally happening.
- Oh, my God!
I'm gonna be on Jeopardy!
- My God!
- Oh…
Oh, my God.
- [shrieks]
- [grunts]
["Bass Real Big" playing]
"iRobot makes this
self-propelled vacuum brand."
- What is Roomba?
- Correct.
Guys, just a reminder
that Daddy's doing bedtime tonight.
"Lake Mead was made by
this Arizona-Nevada dam."
What is the Hoover Dam?
You're going beast mode, Dad!
- Beast mode!
- Beast mode!
Do you guys wanna know
why Daddy's doing bedtime?
Because he's our father?
Just so you don't ask questions later,
one of my oldest friends, Wild Card,
is coming to town
to celebrate Will's upcoming nuptials.
Kind of a coed bachelor party if you will.
Do you guys wanna know
why he's called Wild Card?
Nope.
Because when we used to get together,
wild and crazy things would happen.
People used to call us, and I quote,
"an epic trio."
Were those people you?
And one thing I need to ask of you,
pre-forgiveness.
'Cause you know
tonight's going to be wild.
- Sure.
- What if she kills someone?
One time we went on this ski trip,
that's right,
and Wild Card was trying to
get with the ski instructor,
and in order to get her attention
he jumped from the chairlift
twenty feet down to a sheet of ice.
Your mum was pretty cool back in the day.
How does that make you cool?
Just let me have this.
All right, next question, let's go.
Oh, no.
Psst!
- Ah!
- Oh, my God! You're right here!
- You got got, girl.
- Oh, my God!
- [shrieks] So good to see you!
- So good to see you.
I do actually have to leave in 20 minutes.
- What?
- Yeah. You got got again.
- Oh!
- Ladies and gentlemen, Wild Card.
- [beatboxes]
- Yes.
- Everybody here thinks we're freaks.
- I know, we are crazy,
- 'cause we are! [laughs]
- [Wild Card chuckles]
The suspense is killing me,
what is the plan for tonight?
All right, let's see.
Will's driving up right now,
I figured maybe we grab lunch
at my hotel once he gets up here.
Yes. Knock back a couple of martinis,
Mad Men style.
- Yes. [laughs]
- Whoo-hoo!
Can't wait, what's next?
Oh, um, I don't know. You'll see.
I need answers, come on.
How was the engagement party?
I was so bummed I couldn't make it.
You really not going to tell me?
- Classic Wild Card. Oh, my God.
- [chuckles]
Was Will pissed I couldn't make it?
No, it was… it was mainly her family.
I feel like a shithead
I haven't met Jenna yet.
Believe me, you ain't missing out on much.
Oh, snap! What?
[stammers] I don't know her all that well,
but you know, the important thing
is that she's good for Will,
that's all that really matters.
Come on, it's me here.
It's the wild child.
- Come on.
- Okay. Can I tell you?
I hung out with her.
And she's a bitch.
- Whoa. Shit.
- Yeah! Yeah.
Walk me through it, step it out.
She looked me square in the eye,
and she told me I was nothing.
That's a weird thing to say.
What does it even mean?
Oh, shit. You got mad beef.
This is crazy.
- No. I shouldn't have told you all that.
- Yeah.
I feel bad. It's tacky.
Please don't tell Will.
Ah, walking it back, huh?
Too late,
you called Will's fiancée a bitch.
No.
I don't want to get in the middle
of this relationship.
That's what happened with Audrey
and it nearly cost us our friendship.
Will loves Jenna. That's all that matters.
- Right.
- You're not gonna tell him
I called her a bitch, right?
If you're Will, wouldn't you
want to know if your best friend
thinks your fiancée's a total bitch?
Oh, please.
Just… Just… You're not gonna mention it.
- Your secret's safe with me. Or is it?
- Okay.
Just say you're not gonna tell him.
- You're not gonna tell him. No, I won't.
- You can't tell…
- I mean, I can.
- I don't care.
Just say to me
that you're not going to tell him.
- I'm not gonna tell.
- Thank you.
- Maybe I'll just tell him a little bit.
- Please don't tell him!
- If you do I will kill you!
- Whoa. Yo, yo. Chill.
It's all good. I'm just fucking around.
I'm not gonna tell him.
Or am I? I don't know.
Why did I call her a bitch?
Because you love the taste
of your own foot.
Just tell me what I should do.
Should I not go?
I feel like Wild Card's almost
more likely to tell Will if I'm there.
I've got it. I know what you should do.
- What?
- Smurf the word "bitch."
- What?
- Okay.
Do you remember how Smurfs
used to say the word "Smurf" so much
and in so many conflicting ways that
it basically ceased to mean anything?
Do that.
Oh. So just use the word "bitch"
relentlessly until it just means nothing.
- Exactly, and if you play it right…
- Oh.
…Will might even think you calling
his fiancée a bitch was a compliment.
Oh.
Bitch, you're good.
Think I don't know that, bitch, please.
Oh, my God. I'm thirsty.
Will you bitch me a soda?
It's a little chilly this morning,
I should have bitched a sweater.
Yeah. This weather's crazy
because of global bitching.
Ugh. Okay, you're getting it.
- Give me a high bitch.
- [sighs] Yeah!
You know what, I've gotta go.
The three of us are grabbing lunch
in an hour.
Knowing Wild Card, he'll probably
make us do shots. [chuckles]
That sounds dumb.
No, it's fun. He's fun.
[phone beeps]
[sighing]
[phone chimes]
[Will sighs]
[scoffs] Sylvia. Blowing up my spot.
Yeah, I mean Jenna's amazing.
Honestly, in… in pretty much every way.
It is the best relationship I've ever had.
So what's the problem?
The problem, my friend,
is we don't really have, like,
the best chemistry in the world.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
And not to say we have no chemistry.
It's just more like we have chemistry,
like… like once a month.
Or less than that.
- Got it. Gotcha.
- Yeah.
We just have
different appetites for chemistry.
- Yeah, that's real. That's okay.
- Yeah.
She doesn't love chemistry,
I am more of a chemist.
If I'm being honest.
But honestly, I keep telling myself,
it could be okay.
Because me and my ex-wife, we would have
chemistry all the fucking livelong day.
We'd have chemistry in the car,
we'd have chemistry at parties,
we'd sneak into
the bathroom and do chemistry.
- [groans]
- She would rub my chemistry
in public sometimes.
- Damn.
- Butt chemistry.
- On the regular?
- Yeah. Like, regular butt chemistry.
- Noice.
- I know, super noice.
- That's not easy.
- Man. No.
You gotta really plan around that.
But, you know, we were bad for each other.
And… and Jenna,
she's just so, like, loving,
and… and nurturing and I just feel
so taken care of with her,
- you know what I mean?
- And you love her?
I love her so much!
And she's just so sweet
and… and… and, you know, stable.
- And normal, you know?
- Yeah.
- Is this so fucked up?
- No, man.
Look, here's a little secret.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
It's completely normal to have
little to no sex with your partner.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I mean, look. You'll go through phases.
Sometimes you'll be having
not a ton of sex,
- or any sex, and sometimes you will.
- Yeah.
And this is just one of those phases
where you're not.
- That's it. You're in a lull.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- That's it, man. It's no big deal.
Okay. Just a lull.
- Yeah.
- [phone chimes]
[scoffs] Sylvia will not stop texting me.
Should I text her back,
or you want some more dude time?
No. [stammers] Text her back, it's fine.
Just don't tell her
any of this shit, okay?
- 'Course I won't.
- She'll have a field day with this.
Yeah.
Okay, guys.
[singsongy] Have fun with Dad.
- Bye, sweetie.
- Hey, wow. Leather pants, okay.
- These are old.
- Huh.
- Well, have fun tonight.
- Oh, "try to survive" is more like it.
Why do you have newscaster hair?
- Is it too big?
- Yeah.
- It'll drop.
- [doorbell rings]
Will it?
Oh… Oh. Wow.
Gosh, that's a lot of equipment.
We're doing a fully simulated
tape day run through.
Oh. [stammers] Are the kids playing, too?
- We're not playing.
- [Simon] This is serious business, Mom.
Yeah, Stewart,
thank you so much for doing this.
I need this space cleared,
tech goes live in T-minus five minutes.
All right, kids, let's clear the couch.
- I need a USB.
- Do you know what a teleprompter is?
- We might need you to operate it…
- We need more ports!
[phone chimes]
[sighs]
[Will chattering]
I do it, yeah. Like, on the weekend,
- when she's gone…
- Hey!
- Oh, my God! Hi!
- [Will, Wild Card chatter]
Hey, buddy, how's it going?
Take your time. Yeah. [chuckles]
- [chuckles]
- Whoo-hoo. This place is so cool.
This place is bitch.
- I'm sorry, wait. What did you just say?
- What?
- This place is bitch. Yeah.
- Do you mean, bitchin'?
No, no. I mean bitch. This place is bitch.
- [stammers] That's an expression?
- [Sylvia] Hey, this is…
- This place is bitch?
- Yeah.
- People say that?
- You know what.
I'm sorry, I do pick up on trends
without realizing it because of the kids.
Right now they're just constantly saying,
"This is bitch."
Which means, like, it's cool.
So probs, this is like, you know,
- "This poke place is so bitch."
- Really?
And it means, like, it's cool and good.
- Oh, wow. So you're bitch.
- Okay.
- What? Yeah. Thank you.
- You're bitch. Yeah.
- I'm learning so much right now.
- You gotta get out a little more
- and mix it up with the youngs like me…
- Yeah.
- …Downtown Julie Brown.
- Wow, very current reference.
Yes, speaking of youngs.
- [all laughing]
- All right,
bachelor party in full effect.
Who here's ready
to take it to the next level?
- Ooh, weed gummies.
- Ooh!
Shit, these have 2.5 milligrams of weed
in them.
- Yeah, they do.
- Yeah. They're actually, oop,
they're mostly CBD it says.
2.5s are mad precise.
They allow you to control the exact amount
of high you want to be.
If you want to not be high at all.
Oh, you know. It depends on who you are.
If you need more
you just take more. That's it.
- My mom takes those.
- Here goes nothin'.
- Literally.
- Bitch. Mmm.
- Why do they taste weird?
- They're sugar-free.
- Hundred percent stevia, dog.
- Cool.
- Also, good for back pain.
- And joint swelling, brah.
- Mmm. Loose. Like that.
- Gets you all loose.
Let me get up in the ginseng. Huh? Right.
We're going to have so
little inflammation tonight, yo.
- Let's go!
- [Sylvia laughs]
Our inflammation levels
are gonna be bitch.
- Whoo! I like that.
- Yeah. Might go nuts.
You guys feel loose?
[no audible dialogue]
Yeah. Ideally we're opening, I guess,
12 Jay6s in the next year or so.
- Mr. Big Time.
- Yeah.
We weren't sure you were
going to graduate college.
- Now look at you. Killing the game.
- No, I mean it's great,
but I'd kind of like to do
my own thing ultimately,
but there's still time, you know.
You guys feel anything?
'Cause I don't feel…
I just feel like literally nothing at all.
[snickers]
[slurring] You feel literally nothing?
No, I don't feel anything.
- Nothing at all?
- [laughing]
- Why are you laughing?
- [imitating] Why are you laughing?
- [laughing]
- What?
- [Will imitating] What?
- [laughing]
- Look at her, fake laughing.
- What?
What? No. That was not…
I'm laughing. It's funny.
- You're fucking stoned as fuck.
- I am not.
What… Were we not supposed
to hang out, like, earlier?
- Uh.
- Were we?
Did you guys hang out without me?
- Oh.
- Um…
Yeah. I stopped by for a drink
right before dinner.
Yeah. We basically got here early
and we were both ready or whatever.
Yes, we sorta had aperitivo.
What?
What?
- Uh, you what? I don't know, what?
- What?
- What?
- What?
- What…
- You tell me.
I don't know. I don't have a…
- I don't know.
- I got nothing. I got no "what."
It's a disaster.
Wild Card totally told Will
that I called Jenna a bitch.
How do you know? Did he bring it up?
No, but they keep, like,
they keep looking at each other.
That's what people with eyes do.
No, it's different. It's like…
We're on the phone. I can't see you.
Wait, are you stoned?
- No.
- You sound stoned.
I had a gummy
but I literally feel nothing.
You're paranoid 'cause you're stoned.
No, I'm not paranoid.
I don't feel anything.
Do I sound paranoid?
- Yeah, you do.
- I've got it. I've got an idea.
I'll just record them.
Yeah, I'll say something about Jenna.
I'll press record on my phone,
put it down on the table, and walk away.
And then that way
I'll know what Will knows.
- Mmm. I don't think that's a good idea.
- But what other choice do I have?
Literally, any other choice.
Hey,
will you guys tell me if this is corked?
I just got it at the bar.
Sure.
- Tastes normal to me.
- Uh.
I might get something else.
Oh, I just wanted to say.
I had such a good time
getting to know Jenna at dinner.
You know, I felt like there was
a lot of mutual respect.
Don't you?
I do.
- Cool.
- That's good stuff.
- She's so fucking high it's insane.
- So high.
- [Wild Card] Here she comes.
- [Will] Hey.
- Sup?
- Sup?
Hey.
You know what, guys?
I am gonna walk around
and just check out the vibe a little bit.
Okay.
- [Wild Card] Jesus, she's high. [laughs]
- [Will] So fucked up.
Bothering the bartender.
What is she doing? Yeah, she's just
- going on and on about why she still…
- That wine is not corked.
And it's totally fine.
Oh, have you seen the trailer
for the new Sydney Sweeney movie?
Oh, my God. Like a million fucking times.
[sighs] Dude, Sydney Sweeney is so hot.
Sydney Sweeney is stacked is what she is.
Absolutely stacked.
She's like a brick house.
Sydney Sweeney is cantilevered.
She's like a Frank Lloyd Wright building.
She is the strongest argument for a God.
[speaking indistinctly, sped up]
- Sydney Sweeney is ridonkadonk.
- Oh, my God.
Yeah, she is absolutely ridonkadonk.
- Ridonkadonk, honk-tonk.
- Honky-tonk, badonka-wonk-donk.
Wonka-donkadonk. I do the honky-tonk.
- [vocalizes] Ring-ding-ding-ding…
- It's unbelievable.
[speaks indistinctly, sped up]
[vocalizes]
[Wild Card laughs]
- I'm probably just…
- [sighs]
I'm so obsessed with Sydney Sweeney
'cause Jenna never has sex with me.
You know?
[Wild Card] Yeah,
I think you would be anyway, but…
Here she comes. Oh, yeah.
[Will speaks indistinctly]
You and Jenna don't have sex?
What? What are…
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about the fact
that you and your fiancée,
who you're about to spend the rest of
your life with, don't have sex.
Fuck. Why the fuck did you tell her, man?
Dude, I didn't tell her anything.
Oh, you didn't have to.
I had it here recorded on my phone.
- What the fuck? You recorded us?
- What?
Yeah, and by the way, I heard everything,
including your dissertation
on Sydney Sweeney,
which is frankly pretty juvenile.
She's like a 23-year-old idiot.
She's 27, and she was the head
of her high school robotics team.
The only thing that matters right now is
that you fucking recorded us, you lunatic!
'Cause I suspected that you
were keeping something from me.
And I was right.
You can't get married to someone
you're not sexually compatible with.
Yuck!
I don't wanna talk about this with you.
- It's fucking gross, okay. It's yucky.
- [sighs]
You don't talk about your
sex life with Charlie with me.
Because he's my husband.
That would be a betrayal.
Jenna's about to be my wife.
It's exactly the fucking same thing.
So let's get into it.
How do you guys fuck?
Does he fuck you doggy?
How does he fuck you?
- I don't wanna talk about this with you.
- Exactly!
- This is too weird.
- Neither do I. It's gross.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Well, being new to her oeuvre.
What Sydney Sweeney
films should I start with?
I can tell you're making
fun of me and I don't appreciate it.
But for drama Euphoria,
and for a glimpse
of Sydney's lighter side, Anyone but You.
[Will] Okay, fine.
Me and Jenna don't have sex.
Are you happy?
Why would that make me happy?
I just want you to tell me this is normal.
That's all I wanna
hear from you, honestly.
I already told you that, man.
No married couple our age has sex.
You don't have sex either?
I mean, not that much, no.
No.
No, I don't. Never.
Your name's literally Wild Card.
And you guys are
banging it out on the reg?
I mean, well…
Charlie and I have a healthy sex life.
Okay, if it's so healthy,
when's the last time you did it?
- This morning.
- This morning?
- What?
- You have children in that house.
Jesus! You guys have been married
for like 20 years.
- Yeah. We've had sex thousands of times.
- [groans]
I mean, you guys have seen my husband,
haven't you?
- It's ridiculous.
- He's super fucking hot, all right?
What do you mean? You're not having sex?
Like, what?
- I don't understand. What?
- Okay.
- We had more when we first got together.
- Okay.
You know what I mean?
And since then, it kind of tapered off.
And now it's kind of just,
like, birthdays.
But I've only had one
birthday since we've been together.
- So, one birthday.
- [sighs]
Okay, well, that doesn't sound great.
Mmm. Says the sex freak.
You know what, maybe our relationship
just isn't, like,
fundamentally that sexual, you know?
We have plenty of great things
we do together.
We do the crossword puzzle
beside one another.
I watch her play golf.
That's nice.
- Don't judge me with that.
- I'm not judging you.
- You're not?
- You're judging him.
- You're going crazy over there.
- Your eyes were…
Look, I just think that sex is an
important part of a romantic relationship.
This is exactly why I didn't
wanna talk about this with you.
You talked about it with Wild Card.
Yeah, 'cause sometimes you
wanna talk to someone
when you know they have nothing helpful
to say back to you, okay?
- Amen, brother. I got you.
- I'm just afraid that
if you're not gonna
have sex with your wife,
it's gonna come out in other weird ways.
- It is.
- Yeah, and it's already happening.
- That crush you had.
- That crush is nothing. It's over.
- It's nothing!
- You have a crush too?
- No!
- You have a crush?
Big time. She's a stock analyst
in our Salt Lake City office.
Her name's Stephanie Jacobs.
She is so cute.
Check her out.
Oh, my God. Are you having an affair?
[stammers] What? How dare you? No.
She has a husband and two kids.
It's just a crush. It's normal. See?
It's a normal thing.
Are you seriously trying to
tell me you've never had a crush?
I have a crush on my husband.
- Ew!
- Barf!
- What? He's a great lay, you guys.
- [both groan]
Oh, why? Come on.
What? You know what? Lighten up.
Go and have a conference call
with Stephanie whatever her name is.
- Jacobs.
- What… I don't care.
You know what? Maybe I'm asexual.
Maybe, you know, sexuality is a spectrum
and I'm on the asexual
side of that spectrum.
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's not 1983, Sylvia.
- Oh, it's not? Really?
I'm sorry, you guys are right.
I made the assumption that you were in
the category of people who enjoyed sex.
- How presumptuous of me.
- How dare you?
Yeah, clearly your
appreciation of Sydney Sweeney
is exclusively based on her acting talent.
She was valedictorian
of her high school class.
- What don't you know?
- Please! Can we stop talking about this?
I would love it if we never talked
about any of this ever again
until we were all dead.
Thank you.
Okay.
All right. What's next, Wild Card?
What's happening? What's the plan?
Honestly,
I think the next phase is going to bed.
- I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted, man!
- What!
I think those gummies
were the sleepy kind.
Oh, no wonder you never have sex.
You're so boring. You're too tired.
- You're living up to your nickname.
- Wild Card just means "unexpected."
It could be crazy, it could be normal.
Why did you keep the whole night
a secret if you had nothing planned?
I don't know. It was just a bit.
I'm a 45-year-old man.
Ten o'clock is my bedtime.
Well,
not at Will's bachelor party it isn't.
Okay, this is LA,
there's a million things to do.
Wake up. It's gonna be a great night.
And we're not going to sleep.
[Wild Card yawns]
Uh, we could go to a strip club?
We're not going to a strip club.
Oh, we could play Cards Against Humanity.
Did you fuckin' bring it in your carry-on?
- No.
- Ooh, LA Galaxy are playing right now.
There's a Santana cover band
at The Grove tonight.
Rodeo in Monrovia.
Yo, my cozies are going on in T-minus
30 seconds.
I'm sleepy as fuck, y'all.
[Sylvia] Ooh. Listen to this.
The aquarium is doing a marine
life after-dark thing tonight.
- Ooh!
- "Join us for this adults only event.
Dress to impress. 18 plus
with a live band, DJ, art and culture."
Mmm. You know, I was on the fence,
and then you said "culture."
- Come on.
- Be fun.
We'll, uh, eat some anti-inflammatory
weed gummies.
Look at some fuckin' jellyfish and shit.
Okay, lazybones.
Oh, my God. Motherfucker's out cold.
- Are you kidding me?
- Oh, my God.
- What?
- More like Mild Card, am I right?
I'm going in.
[snores, gasps]
[screaming]
[stammers] What? Where?
[stammering] Are we…
Are we going strip club or?
We're going to the aquarium.
- Why?
- Oh, you'll find out on the way.
[Wild Card] This better be good.
That Uber was $175.
Ooh, that's wild! Checking the receipt.
Hey, check it out.
- These horny-ass people making out…
- Mmm.
…with these jellyfish
projected all over them.
[chuckles] Noice.
Check this out.
- Hey, look at that. Get it in there.
- Noice.
No, you gotta get more like this. [moans]
- Oh, very noice.
- [laughing]
Yeah. [chuckles]
- You do it.
- Yeah.
Nah, I don't want to.
I don't feel like making out with myself.
Wild Card. Really bringing it tonight.
- Let's get a drink.
- Oh, come on.
So, I don't wanna make out with myself,
what's the big deal?
[Will] It's lame.
[pop rock music playing]
Check it out. The band is called "Fish"
but they spell it
like how you actually spell fish.
They do things differently
at the aquarium.
They sure do.
Hey, check out devil-stick girl.
Wonder if she's part of the band?
No, she just showed up with devil sticks
at the aquarium.
Ooh. Body painting.
They promised culture, they delivered.
[yawning]
- Oh, my God.
- You hear that?
Are your diet joint-pain gummies
kicking in?
Yeah, you want some warm milk?
Maybe a back rub or something like that?
I'm tired. Okay, guys.
I flew in this morning.
[imitating] I'm tired, okay!
I flew in this morning.
Oh, I'm tired.
- Yo!
- Hey!
So, the next screening of
Song of the Humpback is in 15 minutes.
- Yeah.
- Do you guys really wanna watch this?
- Yeah.
- Dude, it's 4D.
The seats shake.
They squirt water in your face…
- The blowholes blowing in your face.
- It's windy. It's interactive.
- Yeah, it's 44 minutes long.
- What the…
You gotta be kidding me, dude.
Your name shouldn't be Wild Card anymore.
- No.
- It should just be Card.
- Yeah, and even that's too exciting.
- I know.
You should be fuckin'
Boring-ass Motherfucker. How's that?
- Sleepyhead. Right?
- Yeah, "Borezilla."
- I know, Snoozer.
- Snoozer's good. I actually like Snoozer.
- You snooze, you lose.
- [chuckles]
- Snoozer the loser.
- Snoozer the loser head.
- Grandpa. Huh? Pop-Pop.
- Yeah. Dozey.
Pop-Pop. Grandpa, is he? Grandpa Card.
[laughs]
Sylvia called Jenna a bitch.
[imitates guitar]
Wild enough for ya?
- Wait, is that true?
- I don't know. Why don't you ask her
what she told little old Snoozer
this morning.
You actually say that about Jenna?
I…
- You did? What the fuck?
- Well…
This is why you want me to break up
with her. 'Cause you don't like her.
- I knew you had some ulterior motive.
- I don't want you to break up with her.
I don't think being in a sexless marriage
is in your long-term best interests, but…
Jenna's never been anything
but an absolute sweetheart to you.
- Uh, that's not true.
- It is true.
She said I was nothing.
I bet she had her reasons. Who cares?
- So, that's a thing people say.
- No, it's not.
You're nothing. Hey, you're nothing.
Did she say it like that?
Nobody says that. I've never heard that
and I've never said that.
This is why I didn't want you
hanging out with each other
in the first place 'cause you meddle…
- I'm not meddling.
- Does she meddle?
- She meddles. You meddle.
- Boom!
Look, I shouldn't have told him.
I'm sorry. But you do meddle.
You know what?
I don't want you at my super-fun night
anymore.
You can see yourself out of the aquarium.
Yeah. That's a real shame.
I'm really sad to miss out
on the rest of "pervs night"
at the aquarium.
[scoffs]
- Where are you going?
- I'm going home.
And I'm gonna have sex with my
husband like a normal fucking person.
Does this mean we can bail on the movie?
No! Dude. It's my fucking bachelor party.
We're not stopping now. Okay?
[stammers] No, I know. I wanna watch it.
- Do you wanna watch it?
- Yeah!
- You sure?
- Yeah!
I'm down. Let's watch the movie.
- I'm pumped.
- Great. We're gonna get some snacks too.
I don't eat after eight.
I do intermittent fasting.
- It's my bachelor party.
- It gives me energy.
- I'm sorry, man.
- This is you with energy?
- Yes!
- We're getting snacks.
- All right.
- It's my bachelor party.
- All right. What do you want me to eat?
- Fuckin' chips or something.
I'll have one chip.
[dramatic orchestral music plays]
[whale singing]
[breathing deeply]
[Wild Card gasps] Jesus fucking…
What was that?
Did you just push me over
right in the middle of the movie?
- I'm watching it, dude. No, I wasn't.
- You fuckin' fell. You were sleeping.
[snoring]
Yo, wake up. We're back at your hotel.
- Damn, already?
- Yeah.
I can't believe I have to drive back
to San Diego right now.
Dude, just crash here.
Slam into a pillow.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, dude.
We'll tear it up tomorrow.
We'll get some brunch. Maybe go for a jog.
The egg white omelet here
is off the fucking chain.
You'll swear it has yolks.
- Cool. Thanks, dude.
- Yeah.
[whale calling]
[groans]
[grunts]
[whale calling continues]
[gargles]
[moans]
[moaning]
[moaning]
Oh, no. Ugh. Ugh.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, man. Goddamn.
[Wild Card] Yo, what's the racket?
Oh, sorry, dude.
I didn't mean to wake you up.
But, uh, I'm actually glad I did
'cause I'm heading out.
It was so good to see you.
It was so much fun.
You rule, dude. Respect.
- Love you. So good to see you.
- Love you, bro.
Uh, avoid that side of the bed.
Oh. All right.
- [Will] Have a good trip.
- All right. You too. Love you.
- Hey. Uh, am I interrupting anything?
- No. Why?
Because for the rest of time I'm gonna
assume you and your husband
- are having sex…
- [sighs]
…unless you tell me otherwise.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have called Jenna a bitch.
Oh. That's…
It's fine. Honestly, you were right.
She is a bitch, right?
You know what I mean?
No, she's actually an
unbelievably nice and kind person,
which is why this is gonna suck so bad.
But…
I can't be in a sexless marriage.
I have to break up with her.
[sighs]
Will you drive to San Diego with me?
- Okay.
- Great.
Thank you so much. I appreciate that.
Uh, can I just use your restroom
real fast so I can change my underpants?
What? Why?
- That's not important.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I don't wanna know.
- Nope. You sure don't.