Ted (2024) s02e03 Episode Script

1
My words are lazy ♪
My thoughts are hazy ♪
But this is one thing ♪
I'm sure of ♪
Everybody needs ♪
A best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
Pizza in the morning ♪
Pizza in the evening ♪
Pizza at suppertime ♪
When pizza's on a bagel ♪
You can eat pizza anytime ♪
Jesus.
That's something
a lunatic would say to himself.
Yeah, no shit.
Pizza in the morning ♪
Pizza in the evening ♪
Pizza at suppertime ♪
Yeah, that's something
you'd find smeared in blood
on the wall at a crime scene.
Also, aren't
pizza in the evening
and pizza at suppertime
kinda the same thing?
No, not to this guy.
He's lost his fuckin' mind.
Come in.
Okay.
Um, so I'd rather die
than ask you guys
for this particular favor.
Not a strong opening
to whatever this is.
But I have finals next week,
and I'm all out of pot,
and I need it to study.
Could I please
borrow some from you guys?
Well, well, well.
Isn't this a fine sack of balls?
Come on.
I can't concentrate without it.
And I got a shit ton
of work to do.
Compliment us.
- What?
- Compliment us.
- One each.
- Yeah.
And make it good too.
Somethin' we don't
even know about ourselves.
Okay.
Uh, John
you are one of the only people
who walks at the right speed
in the mall.
Wow, that's
that's actually huge.
It is.
And, Ted, I like that
if I find blood
around the house,
I know that it's not yours.
A fuckin' plus, Blaire.
Johnny, fetch the pot box.
Pot box incomin'.
Thank you.
Oh, shit.
- What?
- We're out too.
Oh, fuckin' great.
Well, okay, just a thought.
Maybe we go without
for a little while.
Would that be healthy?
Johnny, look me in the eye.
Snap the fuck out of it!
You want us to die?
Well, what do you want me to do?
Our regular guy's outta town.
- Hey, what about Chris Bleth?
- Who's that?
Uh, he's this weird kid
at our school
who has a pet snake
and always looks wet.
Oh, yeah,
you know, he gets high.
Wait, no, I cannot buy pot
from a 17-year-old.
- Nah, it's okay. He's 23.
- Jesus.
Yeah, he still
lives with his parents.
I always see them in the
upstairs window of the house,
but they never seem to move.
His mom's holding
a yellow newspaper.
Hi, Gus.
Hi, Mrs. Bennett.
Got your mail here.
Thank you so much.
How's your wife's new eyeball?
Uh, it's been rough.
Uh, it gets turned around
now and then,
so I have to shake her
for about seven minutes.
But the doctor says
it's just our life
for the next few months.
Please send her my love.
I will. Thanks so much.
- Here's your paper, Matty.
- Jesus, Susan.
Why, why you gotta jam yourself
into everybody's business, huh?
The-the guy's gotta
shake his wife
like a Magic 8 Ball.
He doesn't wanna talk about it.
I was showing him that I care.
People like it when you
take an interest in their lives.
It makes 'em feel special.
Will you look at this?
Three kids were arrested
for vandalizing the church.
Oh, my God, they were?
Yeah.
Says they were high on drugs
and broke in
and dragged their dicks
across the organ keys.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
Went on for a half hour
before Father O'Dell
finally stopped 'em.
Oh, Matty, look.
It says all the boys
attend John Hancock High.
That's John's school!
Bunch of delinquents.
And there's a quote
from Father O'Dell.
"This is just the
latest example of the fallout
"from a decline
in family values.
"When parents are involved
in their children's lives,
"this sort of thing
doesn't happen."
Oh, Matty,
what if that were John?
It wasn't. Relax.
Well, maybe we need to
get more involved in his life.
Finally.
I'd just never forgive myself
if Johnny turned out
like those church boys
on the drugs.
And there's the rest of it.
Fuckin' gas station
made the worst tuna sandwich
I've ever had in my life.
That was two weeks ago.
Yeah, it's been stuck
behind a Denny's breakfast.
Matty
how about we spend some
quality time together tonight?
Please?
Fine. Whatever.
Oh! Thank you, Matty.
Goddamn Beetle Bailey
fuckin' around
on my tax dollars.
Hi. Can I help you?
Hi. Yeah, we're, um
uh, Chris' friends from school.
Oh, yes, of course.
You can go on in.
The boys are playing.
Bash his head in!
Chop off the legs first!
Kill him!
Die, you ugly piece of shit!
Chop his fucking head off!
Dude, you stabbed him!
Shit, I'm dying!
Who is it?
Fucking goddamn it!
The Owlbear dodges your mace,
slashing you nose to navel.
You take 12 points of damage
as the Owlbear
laps up your blood.
You are seriously gonna kill me
right before we find the temple?
Fuck you in the ass, Chris!
That's not appropriate!
Yeah, Chris. What the hell?
We can't play without Brent.
Hey. The rules are the rules.
You don't like my game,
you can leave any time.
You know what? Fuck this then!
I want my velvet dice bag back.
You've been a real asshole
ever since you kissed a girl.
Fuck you, and the half-horse,
half-dragon you rode in on.
Come on, guys.
Okay, bye. Okay, bye-bye.
Get outta here.
Now I don't have
to work your missing father
into the storyline.
This is bullshit.
Let's get outta here.
Uh, hey.
John Bennett.
The hell are you doing here?
Well, uh, my family and I
were hoping that
you had some marijuana
we could purchase.
Now's not a good time, okay?
I just wasted a masterpiece
of a D&D campaign
on a bunch of ungrateful shits!
Oh, I'm, uh,
I'm so sorry to hear that.
Uh, we'll make this quick, then.
I am too mad
to sell weed right now, okay?
I need to lie down in the dark
and look at my glow stars.
You're, uh, you're upset
about your masterpiece.
- That right?
- Fuckin' A right!
Well, maybe we could
help you out.
What do you mean?
Well, maybe we can play a game
and we could get some pot
while we're at it.
I don't wanna start
this adventure over
with a brand-new fucking group.
Sorry.
- Come on.
Don't you wanna
make those assholes jealous?
Yeah, think about
the look on their faces
when you're doing this
with new guys.
Fuck was that?
What do you mean?
I was rolling dice.
No, you weren't.
That's not what that was.
- Yes, it was.
- You were biting your lower lip.
Yeah, 'cause I'm so excited
about the game.
And why'd you
throw it on his face?
Have you guys
ever even played D&D before?
Uh, no, but we learn fast.
Wait a minute, you guys.
Is this even fuckin' worth it?
I don't know shit
about this weird game.
Is D&D the one
with hungry hippos?
- Wait, what am I thinking of?
- Forget it.
You would make a mockery
of the art form.
Well, well, now hang on
a second, just hang on.
How about
we make it interesting?
If we can beat your game,
you give us the weed.
Best the quest, earn the herb.
You just said that
like you think it rhymes.
You don't think
that rhymes, do you?
Just think about it.
A D&D game
with real-world stakes.
Imagine how alive you'll feel.
All right. We'll do it.
But we have
to play at your place.
My son wakes up
early in the morning for school.
Because this is
your first time playing,
I've gone ahead and premade
your character sheets
so we can jump
right into the game.
It says I'm a mage.
What's that?
It's like a wizard.
Do I get weekends off?
That's your first question?
Hey, I'm starting a new job.
I think it's reasonable
to know what the hours are.
Bard? What's a bard?
It's a balladeer.
A singer of songs.
Oh, great. That's useful.
"Oh, shit. It's a dragon."
"Don't worry.
Here's 'Material Girl.'"
Blaire, what are you?
I'm a thief. So I steal shit?
Yeah, like in The Hobbit.
Oh, like Dildo Baggins.
- What?
- Dildo Baggins, The Hobbit.
Bilbo.
- It is?
- Yes.
His name was Dildo Bilbo?
Hi, kids.
What you doing?
Oh, hey. Hey, Mom.
We're just, uh,
we're just playing a game.
This is our friend Chris.
- Hi, Chris.
Johnny, did you warn him
about the toilet down here?
What about the toilet?
Chris, if you're gonna
use the toilet,
there are five things
you need to know.
We're, uh, we're actually in
the middle of a game here, Ma.
I know.
It looks like so much fun.
Can your father and I play?
- Yeah It's not their thing.
- It's not
- Great. See ya.
- Oh, no. Matty. Wait, wait.
Johnny, we just wanna
spend some time with you.
Take an interest
in your interests.
You know,
this adventure actually is
balanced for five heroes.
I have extra character sheets
if they wanna play.
Oh!
Uh Sure.
Yeah, sure.
- Oh! Wonderful.
Now, do I need
to put any makeup on?
Am I okay?
You're you're fine.
Mr. Bennett,
you'll be playing our cleric.
Mrs. Bennett,
you'll be playing our fighter.
Oh! I like that.
Like Nancy Crawford.
- What?
- Our neighbor.
She had cancer.
She was a fighter. For a while.
Wasn't enough, though.
God gave up on her,
the poor thing.
I can't remember
what kind of cancer she had.
I do remember she lost
a big piece of her tongue.
Can the cleric be deaf?
All the information
about who you'll be
playing in the game
is recorded
on your character sheet.
I've assigned you your class,
but you can go ahead
and pick your race.
- White.
- What?
- You said I can pick a race.
- Oh. No.
Can I pick white
instead of one of the races?
No. By race, we mean elf,
half-elf, dwarf.
Why don't we just
start the game now?
Cancer. It's not a good one.
Our adventure begins
in a weathered old tavern
at the edge
of a mysterious forest.
I already fuckin' hate this.
You're a band
of traveling adventurers,
and you've heard tales
of a great hidden temple
filled with gold.
It was guarded
by the Iridor cult
until they all disappeared.
Rumor has it
a cultist who defected
now frequents this tavern
and has a map to the temple.
All right. Where do we start?
The sooner we find this map,
the sooner we get the,
uh treasure.
Well, maybe the bartender
knows something.
Yeah, I'll have a Sam Adams.
Ooh, I am sorry, good cleric,
but here we only serve mead.
What are you, an asshole?
I'll have a pint of mead.
He will absolutely
not have alcohol.
He can have a Dr Pepper.
Dr Pepper?
These are strange words.
Christ, it's that
Mexican restaurant
all over again.
Guys. Look.
I bet that's our cultist.
Hey, Star Wars,
can we talk to you for a second?
Speak.
Ohh. Poor man.
I'll bet he's anorexic.
You know, your body's beautiful
just the way it is.
Jesus Christ, here we go.
Are you the guy with the map?
Steven Tyler!
Shh. Let him talk.
I was one of
the Iridor followers.
In our attempt
to purify this world,
we gathered in the temple
and awakened
a great, otherworldly force.
But it was
too powerful, too evil.
And now it could
destroy our entire realm.
Can I just hear you sing,
"And I think to myself,
what a wonderful world"?
Do you have a map
to this evil temple?
I vowed never to return.
So you may have my map.
Thank you.
I think this is a gay bar.
I mean, I don't care, but it is.
Do they have bathrooms here?
I'll just hold it.
Looks like we continue this way
for a bit through Warlock Woods.
Hey, you think
we'll see a centaur?
Maybe.
Hey, is there such a thing
as a reverse centaur?
Like, just a naked guy
with a horse's head
just walking around?
Oh, yeah.
Just like a naked dude body
with a dick flopping around
with a big horse head.
- Yeah, like, the worst of both.
- Yeah.
Just showing up,
making everybody uncomfortable.
Yeah. It's like, go home, dude.
Go home. Nobody wants you here.
Yeah. No one wants to see
a horse head and your man dick.
Just walking down the street,
dropping the occasional
pile of shit.
Yeah, it's like, dude,
this is a public fuckin' park.
Get the fuck outta here
with your weird fuckin' setup.
Yeah, there are
families here, man.
There's a kid's birthday party
right over there.
Get outta here.
Fuck, I'm mad now.
Fuckin' reverse centaur.
Isn't that what Gary Busey is?
Greetings, adventurers.
Come peruse my wares.
Look, a gnomish merchant.
I have healing potions,
sleeping potions, short swords,
two-handed swords.
Jesus, look at this stuff.
O.J. would have
a field day out here.
And what about you, thief?
How about a brand-new dagger?
But beware, I have magical wards
to punish those who shoplift.
Well, you know,
usually when someone steals,
it's a result of a much larger
social imbalance.
For fuck's sake, Blaire,
can we just get to the end
of this and get the weed?
You got any sunscreen
for my fuckin' head?
It says you sell
weapons, potions, and more.
What's the more?
Well, I have bags of holding.
Amulets and trinkets
and an immovable rod.
What's an immovable rod?
It's a rod that's fixed
in place and cannot be moved.
Well, then how'd
you get it here?
Can we just kill this guy?
I'm Susan, by the way.
Susan the Destroyer.
Do you enjoy being in sales?
Jesus Christ,
every fuckin' time!
Guys, we gotta keep moving.
So just buy what you need
and let's go.
Okay, I'll take a,
a flint, a torch,
and a hundred yards of rope.
Oh, and, uh
a tampon.
This is a strange word.
A rod of absorbency.
This is it.
The Iridor temple.
You no get by me.
Oh, great grammar.
This my territory.
You leave or die!
Well, Mom, you're the fighter.
Go kick his ass.
Okay.
Well, I can certainly try.
Boop.
Right on your nose.
What do you think
we should do, Dad?
Dad?
Dad?
- Huh?
- Matty, will you please
pay attention?
I played Russian roulette
in 'Nam.
Sorry if this game
ain't holding my attention.
The ogre is getting angrier.
Time is running out,
but there may yet be a way
to slip past him.
Teddy, play something
on your lute.
Maybe you can charm him.
Ah. Okay.
Well, Mr. Ogre,
I would like to sing
a ballad for you.
This is the tale
of the movie Philadelphia.
There once was a lawyer ♪
Named Andrew Beckett ♪
Who worked ♪
With great proficiency ♪
But none of ♪
His coworkers knew ♪
About his ♪
Autoimmune deficiency ♪
Despite the many ♪
Legal cases ♪
He'd achieved prestige in ♪
One day at the firm ♪
A coworker ♪
Looked at his face ♪
And saw a lesion ♪
His boss found out ♪
That he had AIDS ♪
And so they ♪
Gave him the hatchet ♪
He found a Black lawyer ♪
And asked for help ♪
But the guy said ♪
"I don't wanna catch it" ♪
Then a library worker ♪
Kicked him out ♪
It was 'cause of the AIDS ♪
He just knew it ♪
The Black lawyer said ♪
"Holy shit" ♪
"You get treated like us ♪
I'll fuckin' do it" ♪
Ted, you're good. We got it.
Ah.
Jesus, I can't see shit.
Does anyone have a flashlight?
Oh, Susan, your torch.
Oh! All right.
Fuck you!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Come on. This way.
Ew, I think that's an orc turd.
Wow!
Look at this place!
I feel like
I'm at an art museum.
To pass,
we desire four of a kind.
Ah, fuck.
Are we gonna
have to tip these guys?
A simple task and easy to find.
Yeah, you're about to find out
about the immovable wallet.
What howls without lips.
What runs without feet.
What is always below.
And what always must eat.
I just heard that
and I don't remember any of it.
Guess we gotta solve the riddle
to keep going.
Oh, shit.
Oh, that's
fuckin' great, Blaire!
Okay, okay. Nobody panic.
We just gotta solve the riddle.
Something that howls
without lips.
Something
that runs without feet.
Uh, runs without feet.
Uh, a guy
in the Special Olympics.
A-a diabetic
chasing an ice cream truck.
Something that always must eat.
Uh, welfare queens!
Shut up and let me think.
Okay, we know it has
to be a group of four, right?
- Boyz II Men.
- Oh, nice.
Right?
Wait a minute.
If there's four of 'em,
shouldn't they be called
Boyz IV Men?
Yeah, I don't think that'd work.
There's four of 'em.
Boyz IV Men.
It'd work even better.
Yeah, just maybe
not with the right crowd.
Wait a minute!
Uh, it's the elements.
Water, wind, earth, fire.
Holy shit.
Blaire, you're right.
Uh Fireball.
Okay, I got earth.
Does anyone have any water?
Oh, uh, uh, it says on my paper
I have a pouch of holy water.
Oh, wait.
That's what the fuck this is.
Christ, I've been pissing in it.
Wait, Dad.
Piss is mostly water.
Not mine. It's a lot of pulp.
Oh, for fuck's sake,
just try it!
Don't fuckin' smile at me,
you weirdo.
Okay, now we just need wind.
Oh. Teddy, you can
blow on its hands.
You're a bard.
You got breath support.
Fuckin' Christ,
I'm blowin' people for weed.
Ah!
Oh!
You know what's sad?
This is the only vacation
we've ever taken as a family.
Guys, is this really
all fuckin' worth it?
I mean, do we really
need the weed that badly?
Are you shitting me?
You wanna listen
to Eddie Vedder's voice
on a weedless brain?
Oh, God, I didn't think of that.
I watched Road House
without weed one time, Johnny.
It was fuckin' terrible.
Patrick Swayze has sex
in the same pond
he just killed a guy in,
like, a week ago.
Stop it, dude.
John, nothing we like is good.
Oh. Look,
it's one of the cultists.
Um, excuse me?
Hi.
Are you
Are you here to save us?
Not a
not a lot of Black people
in Chris' world, huh?
You're just in time.
The infamous,
all-powerful Dral'hul
will soon end existence
as we know it.
Yeah, Dral'hul doesn't mean
as much as you think
he does outside of here.
Like, we're just
hearing about him.
He is a fearsome being
from the nether-realm.
I am the only one left
keeping him at bay.
Well, how do we kill him?
The beast is nearly invincible.
However, there is one way
to cast him back to his realm.
You must
What the fuck, Dad?
What? I fuckin'
sped things along!
He was about to give us
the information we needed.
Like, game-winning information.
We were so close
and you ruined everything!
Why are you guys even here?
- We were trying to protect you.
- What?
We wanted to get
more involved in your life
to make sure that you
weren't getting into trouble.
Ma, what trouble?
I just don't know what I'd do
if you turned out like
one of those boys in church.
What boys?
There were three boys
in the paper,
and they did drugs,
and they got arrested.
And Father O'Dell says
it's because
of no family values.
We don't want you
to get humped up
on the doobage, Johnny.
We just wanna be
a bigger part of your life.
Wait, you're down here
helping us win this game
to keep John off drugs?
Yeah.
Anyone wanna weigh in here?
Mom, thank you
for trying to keep me off drugs.
I love you.
Now, what do you guys say
we win this game?
Dral'hul bursts into the chamber
with an eruption of flame!
Great. It's the demon
we have no idea how to kill
because Matty refuses
to go to anger management.
- Fuck your mother.
- Wait a minute.
Maybe we can still do this.
Uh, I cast magic missile.
Three points of damage.
- Okay.
Three points of damage
from your arcane blast.
Dral'hul whips around,
breathing a cone of black flame,
dealing 38 points of damage.
You are dead.
Johnny! No!
Matty, do something!
Jesus, Susan!
That was right
in my fuckin' ear.
All right, uh,
can, can I heal him?
I mean, that-that's
my whole deal, right?
There's nothing left to heal.
Then I, then I,
I, I charge the demon
and I bash in his head
like the last guy.
Okay, before you
can reach him
Yeah, he whips around
with his barbed tail,
piercing your chest.
Dealing you 32 points of damage.
- You're dead.
- Fuckin' finally.
Wait. As a thief, it says
on my character sheet
that I carry
a potion of darkness.
You do.
Okay, I use that
and sneak up on Dral'hul
when the torches go out.
Aha. Backstab.
Page 40
of the player's handbook.
Very clever.
Unfortunately,
Dral'hul does have darkvision,
so he can easily see you.
He's going to unhinge his jaw.
He bites your head off.
You're dead.
- Shit.
When she died,
did she poop herself?
What the fuck?
- Yes.
- You had to roll for that?
- Yes.
- That's weird.
Every time I go to the john,
I'm rolling the dice.
Dral'hul moves steadily closer.
What do you do?
- I attack you.
- What?
You heard me, I attack you.
You can't.
The Dungeon Master is God.
Fine, I attack God.
That would be like
attacking a thousand Dral'huls.
Only a madman would do that.
Pizza in the morning ♪
Pizza in the evening ♪
Pizza at suppertime ♪
That's a critical hit.
Uh
I take six points of damage.
- I attack again.
- Well, just
I-I don't know if you, uh
Oh, my God, another nat 20.
Uh
I take ten additional points
of damage.
- Come on, buddy. Fuck him up.
- Oh! You got this!
I harness all my strength,
preparing a death blow.
Is a one good?
No, no, no, no, no.
Well, there it goes.
We're all dead.
Well, I'm alive.
Hi.
I'm Susan Bennett
from Framingham, Massachusetts.
What's your name?
I am Dral'hul from Hell.
Oh! Do you know Barbara?
Mom, what are you doing?
You're a fighter.
- Just fight him.
- She fuckin' always does this.
Are you also
from the Boston area?
I was birthed by flames
and the wailing
of tormented souls.
Oh. That's why
I had an epidural.
Do you enjoy being a demon?
It's okay.
Must be hard having people
afraid of you all the time.
You you know,
actually it is.
Uh, thank you for acknowledging.
What did you say
your name was? Susan?
- Susan. Susan.
- Susan.
Susan, you are
a breath of fresh air.
Oh. Stop.
You know, sometimes
I think people come to me
only for my power
or my treasure.
No one ever just comes by
just to say hi.
See how I'm doing.
That must really hurt.
You know, it does.
Is that why you wanna
destroy the world?
Turns out the real demon
is loneliness.
Maybe you need
to meet some new people
or take up a hobby.
There's a spot open
in my watercolor group.
- Really?
- Oh, wait. No, there isn't.
Oh.
I forgot.
Carol apologized to Janine,
and now she's back in class.
What did Carol do?
She drew a portrait of Janine,
and she didn't leave out
her mustache.
No!
She added in the mustache.
And they call me a demon.
I know, right?
Oh!
I know!
Oh, oh.
I needed that.
I needed that laugh.
This is why I love
meeting new people.
And, moved by
the fighter's compassion,
Dral'hul dissipates
into his infernal realm,
leaving behind
the temple full of treasure.
The world is safe.
The quest is done.
- Whoo!
- My God, Mom.
You have no idea
how much we love you right now.
So proud of you, Aunt Suse.
You're a fuckin' genius.
Well, now I see
you and your friends
are having adventures together
without the drugs.
Oh, Matty, these are good kids.
Oh, yeah.
We won the lottery, Susan.
And don't you worry, Ma,
we are never gonna use drugs.
Come on, let's go.
Now, about those drugs
That was some adventure.
Do you think the fact
that we went through
that much trouble
just to get some weed,
is that, like, a sign
of a serious problem?
No. It's a sign
of serious commitment.
You think maybe somewhere,
somehow, in another dimension,
the D&D world is real,
and we're the game?
Whoa.
Susan is going to love this.
- Dral'hul!
- What?
Your demon friends are here
to play Stoners & Teddy Bears.
Just tell them to fuck
Tell them to
come down then. God!
Language.
Fuckin' hate you.
Oh, you've got a headful ♪
Of someone dreadful ♪
And yet, alas ♪
That someone adores you ♪
Everybody needs ♪
A best friend ♪
I'm happy I'm yours ♪
I'm just a clown ♪
And I'll bring you down ♪
But you just don't care ♪
'Cause your ♪
Best friend is me ♪