The Artful Dodger (2023) s02e03 Episode Script

[indistinct chatter]
If you see Lady Mumby,
we must make sure she got her invitations.
And keep an eye out for anyone theatrical.
Dare I ask why?
I've hired actors
for this evening's centrepiece.
After speeches, two actors will perform
scenes from Romeo and Juliet.
-How wonderful.
-Ah.
Must they?
Yes, and they were due hours ago,
and the ball will be ruined
if they don't appear.
Thought it might be improved.
What is this "engaging pastime"?
It's the Quadrille Polka.
It's all the rage in Bohemia.
Yes, well, I'm not sure
the gentry of Port Victory
are across the latest
Eastern European dance crazes.
That's why I drew very clear instructions.
[Belle] Yes, almost too clear.
Belle. You've been truculent all morning.
I know you'd rather be doing
unspeakable horrors in a morgue,
but could you please try
and act like a normal lady?
Just for me. Just for tonight.
Fine.
I'll try.
For you.
And then you can go back
to being, well, you.
[Belle] Lovely.
[horse whinnies]
Tell me about your special dance.
It's a square dance, but twice as fast,
so you have to hang on tight
to your partner. Very, very tight.
And who do you hope to dance with?
-Oh, just Phineas.
-In love again?
Yes, but with Phineas, it's different.
I actually want to eat his cheeks.
-That's how fond I am of him.
-[laughs]
Oh, I need this night
to be perfect for him.
-So, can you please--
-I understand.
Good. Then I just need someone
for you to dance with.
-Oh. No. I really--
-Ladies.
[Fanny] Inspector.
My sister was just looking
for a dance partner.
-No, I really wasn't.
-Because she's a very normal lady.
Well, you are coming to the ball?
I wouldn't miss it.
But I'm afraid I don't dance.
Oh.
The stick. Well, that's a pity.
Quite.
Anyway, I must keep hunting
for my lovely thespians.
-See you tonight, Inspector.
-No, wait. Fanny!
-Lady Belle, may I have a word?
-Certainly.
Which one?
Scalpel.
[theme music playing]
I found this at the scene
of a suspected criminal incident.
And?
May I ask if you recognise it?
Well, it's not mine.
No, of course,
you being forbidden
from practising surgery.
But someone used it
in your father's carriage.
Someone with access to scalpels,
and a modus operandi
that includes surgeries
outside the hospital and the law.
It seemed to be left in a hurry,
next to a bloodstain.
Is the Governor aware
that you're trespassing on his property?
I investigated his carriage.
A carriage bestowed upon him
by the Queen herself.
I take umbrage at your notion
that my father uses sovereign gifts
to engage in acts of mutilation.
That is not my intention.
And what's that on your finger?
The scalpel cut me.
Quite the coincidence to find a bloodstain
at the same time you cut yourself.
Are you questioning
my investigative skills, Lady Belle?
No. I'm quite certain of them.
Hmm.
Keep that wound clean,
or it'll get infected.
Oops. I gave you medical advice.
Do you wish to arrest me?
[intriguing music playing]
How often have these symptoms
presented themselves, Lady Mumby?
It varies,
but more recently, four times a week.
Has anything changed circumstantially?
I lost my husband recently.
My condolences, ma'am.
Cassandra found her father
when he passed.
She fainted and hit her head,
and since then, the fits have been worse.
May I, Miss?
[Sneed] And how do the fits present?
Does she fall? Muscles jerk?
Foaming at the mouth, that sort of thing?
No, no. She has visions.
Visions?
[Cassandra]
I can see a little sad boy.
Say hello, Sad Boy.
-He's He's here?
-By the window.
His tummy hurts.
That's why he's always sad.
What's he look like?
He's small.
Sailor suit.
She's been so looking forward
to the Governor's ball tonight, but
Do you think she can still go?
[Sneed] Pubescent hysteria. Nothing more.
No, I disagree. I suspect epilepsy.
Epilepsy? She isn't having anything
I'd describe as fits.
I think her visions are fits.
She's just lost her father.
She wants attention,
and you're playing into her hands.
I suspect the blow to the head
has made her underlying epilepsy worse,
and the visions are a symptom.
It's fanciful, Dawkins.
It's cerebral, Sneed.
Or perhaps it was indeed a visitation.
That's codswallop, Prof.
-Oh.
-Belle would know how to fix this.
Lady Belle is neither here nor a doctor,
but I am.
And in my view,
there's no need for further treatment.
Cassandra can go to the ball.
It'll probably do her and the mother good.
No, you're wrong, Sneed.
And you're on parole.
So, go and disimpact Mr Gouger.
His bowels have been stopped up
for a week.
Are you all right, Prof?
Yes, I'm all right.
Thank you, Dawkins.
[lively music playing]
[vendor calls out]
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, hello.
I note I did not receive my morning
beetroot and pilchard sandwich today.
Sod your sandwich, Fagin.
Oh-ho!
That's hurtful.
What's fish and beetroot ever done to you?
Nothing.
But I have just evacuated
a man's bowel.
-Ah.
-So
You'll be doing that for me one day.
Highly unlikely.
Oi, slow down. Where are you off to?
I need to get a message to Belle, somehow.
-Oh, no, you bloody don't.
-Why not?
Because you are poking
the Reaper in the eye with her.
I need her advice
on an underlying cerebral disorder.
I'll give you
an overlying cerebral disorder
if you don't blinking stop it.
We got more pressing matters to deal with.
-What?
-I've got a prime toff
who is practically weeping
at the thought of our land,
but he can't get his bank to release
a very sizeable down payment
without citing a land grant.
How sizeable?
-£500.
-Oh.
Bloody hell.
Well, how do we get a land grant?
Well, I've got Flashy
fancying up a forgery,
but I don't think it's up to snuff.
Come and have a look.
-All right, but quickly.
-Yes, yes. Quickly.
What's that supposed to be?
A land grant.
Yeah. "Land", it's only got one L.
Not in Wales.
We're not in bloody Wales, are we?
[Dodger] What's that, Flashbang?
-It's a carrot tree.
-Christ on a biscuit.
[Dodger]
Well, this will never get past the toffs.
Look at it.
It looks like a bloody child's drawn it.
Big words for someone who can't write.
I could write better
than you can draw, mate.
-Go on, then.
-All right, Flashy. Keep your kecks on.
You're a man of many talents,
but this clearly ain't one of them.
This whole thing stinks.
Not you too, Tim?
No, Fagin's plan.
-What's wrong with it?
-Haven't you lot stolen enough from us?
Now you're nicking fake land?
We're not nickin', we're bluffin'.
Not yours to bluff with.
[tankard thuds on table]
Timmy!
We need to get a real land grant
for him to copy.
Yeah. Well, unless you've got one
stashed in your cranny,
-I don't know where we're gonna get it.
-Government House.
Oh, stop thinking with your trousorials.
-I'm not.
-Yes, you bloody are.
Well, you ain't getting in there tonight,
Dodge. Well, there's a ball on.
Ooh.
Which means it'll be ripe with marks
for our endeavours.
No, there ain't no point, Fagin.
I usually sneak my girls in for the toffs,
but this is invitation only.
There'll be guards everywhere.
Only silver snuffers allowed.
Yeah, well, sod that. We're going.
No, you're not going
anywhere near Cheekybones' house.
You might as well whistle for the hangman
and ask him to do you a favour.
-Fagin, come on.
-Dodge, no!
[prisoner gasps]
We're drawn thin tonight, gentlemen.
As a Vice-regal function,
no one enters the Governor's ball
without one of these invitations.
But with a killer afoot
in the Elbow,
Government House mustn't revel
at the people's expense.
So, divide your forces.
And, Bramwell,
I do not wish to see
the Elbow underserved.
Understood, sir.
You'll be at the ball, I assume?
Yes. Pursuant to protocol.
That sounds delightful for you, Inspector.
Hope you enjoy the champagne
while the boys and I are out in the mud.
[chuckles drily]
There are two pathways for you, Sergeant.
You can withdraw your previous comment,
or I can demote you
and have you reassigned
to Van Diemen's Land tonight.
I hear the prisoners there eat each other
when the supplies are thin.
But perhaps you'd prefer that
rather than doing your bloody duty here!
-Withdrawn.
-"Withdrawn" what?
Withdrawn, sir.
Carry on, Bramwell.
Another body
with the blue stitchin', Inspector.
Add more men to your detail.
Sir.
Pandanus.
In case she needs a place to sleep.
Noble work, helping the dead to rest.
May I see the body?
[melancholy music playing]
Thank you, sir.
[Belle] There we go. That all right?
Now, that should make it feel better.
Here, take this
and then put it on again tonight.
All right?
Here, try to keep the dirt out if you can.
Off you go.
[exhales] Hello again.
Lady Belle, your visits
to Devil's Elbow concern me greatly.
I fear for your safety.
Yes. Well, the benefit
of standing out like a peacock
is that I display the protection
of Government House.
A young woman was killed here last night.
I'm very sorry to hear it.
But there's something else.
I lost someone I cared for in a slum.
I don't propose to do it again.
That's why you wear the mourning blacks.
You remind me of her.
She, too, had a heart for charity
and a disregard for danger.
So, I hope you'll forgive me
if I seek to protect you.
You have my sympathy, Inspector.
I don't need to be protected.
[pensive music playing]
What about a hot air balloon?
We can fly over the walls
and into the ball that way.
[Dodger] No.
I think it might be a touch noticeable
if we land a giant gas bag
in the Governor's rose garden.
Um, you could pretend
to be dead, Fagin.
We could carry you inside a coffin.
Yes, it's a goodly notion, Aputi,
but I think there might be
enough stiffs there already.
Also, no!
Putting me in a box?
Can't think of anything worse.
Come on. How are we getting inside?
We're not getting inside, you and me.
We ain't going anywhere.
-[glasses rattling]
-Wench!
Victuals for two weary travelling actors.
-[gasps]
-You call me wench again,
and I'll wear your sweetmeats
for earrings.
Yes.
[actor]
Let's run the balcony scene, Milty.
This soiree's miserably parochial,
but it is
it is for a Governor.
[Milton] Yes, yes.
[actor] Romeo and Juliet!
-Act two, scene two.
-Me, me, me.
[Milton exhales]
"What light through yonder window breaks?"
And I And I
And I shall pirouette thusly.
What a pair of pilchards.
[Milton]
Yes, but don't finish off too early.
-No, no.
-[actor] dance
Our solution has just presented itself.
Tonight, the parts of Romeo and Juliet
will be played by
Flashy and Aputi.
-What?
-[Aputi] What?
Now, listen.
We nick their costumes,
Flashy and Aputi put 'em on,
get inside, let me in.
Then, when you're snatching
the land grant,
I'll be flogging more turf
to the boozed-up toffs. It's simple.
Right, where does that leave me?
It leaves you at home.
But I can't talk Shakespeare.
You don't need to, it's just a disguise.
You'll be in and out before you can say,
"To be or not
"to
"be." Any questions?
I thought that was the question.
-What?
-I'm bloody well coming.
No, no, no. No chance, Prince Charmless.
No, come on, think about it, Fagin.
You can't just steal the clothes
off these actors' backs.
They'll need sedation,
and that requires a doctor.
Yeah. I don't wanna knock them out.
It doesn't seem right.
All right,
but you drug the actors outside,
then you scarper quick smart.
You do not go anywhere near Fancy Skirt,
when half the constabulary
are gonna be there with a noose
when they twig you're lurking.
All right.
Fine. Understood.
[Fagin] What? Really understood?
Yes, I'm not a fool, Fagin.
I know it's far too dangerous for me
to be there, really.
[suspenseful music playing]
[horse whinnies]
These miserable, whining cowards
sneaking about on the wind,
sucking the blood of every poor cove
just trying to do
a bit of honest criminality.
Makes you wanna spit.
I'm quite amazed mosquitoes
don't just burst into flames
when they first try your blood, Fagin.
The amount of corked wine
and vinegar you swill.
Would you two shut your whinge holes?
There they are!
Here goes.
Aputi, come on.
"Wherefore art thou, Romeo?"
-Yes, marvellous.
-Was that good?
-And then I'll seize you by the bosom.
-Ooh, then I will pull back--
Oh! Are you Are you the actors?
Actors?
We are the truth-tellers,
the dream-weavers,
the lyricists of legend.
[sighs] Yes. Yes, we are the actors.
Oh, could you tell us
where to find our green room?
Green room?
We must warm our voices, limber our loins,
'ere we tread the boards.
Oh, the green room!
Yes, yes, it's this way.
[both gasping, choking]
[upbeat music playing,
Sia "Cheap Thrills"]
Come on, come on
Turn the radio on ♪
It's Friday night and I won't be long ♪
Gotta do my hair, put my makeup on ♪
It's Friday night and I won't be long ♪
'Til I hit the dance floor
Hit the dance floor ♪
I got all I need ♪
No, I ain't got cash, I ain't got cash ♪
But I got you, baby ♪
Baby, I don't need dollar bills
To have fun tonight ♪
I love cheap thrills ♪
[Governor] Good evening.
Good evening.
-Good evening.
-[Dickie] Pleased to meet you.
Where's Belle?
Fanny, you'll burst a corset-stay.
You're late.
What, to be the fifth person in a row
to say, "Good evening"?
-Good evening.
-No, for being a normal lady.
Right. Sorry.
I am trying.
Fanny, who else have you invited?
All the landed gentry of the region,
-and the nearly landed.
-How are we?
And Inspector Boxer.
Although I'm not sure
if he's landed or not.
-Landed?
-Not.
Well, he will be when he inherits
his uncle's title.
Where's Phineas?
Do you think he's forgotten, Belle?
I just want everything to be perfect
for funny Uncle Dickie.
It's tremendously kind of you all.
Oh, nonsense. Lifts the spirits.
Yeah, just the way
old Billy Wobblestick pictured it.
Feel a bit bad leaving them like that.
Do you think they'll be comfortable?
I wouldn't have thought so,
given that they're half naked
and tied to each other, no.
The amount of ether I've given them,
they'll have the best night's sleep
of their life.
Yeah. I suppose.
Maybe we can get them a pillow
or something.
Yes, yes. And I'll build them
a four-poster bed if you like.
Stop mithering about the actors
and do what you came here to do,
which is get me a land grant.
And you, scuttle off home. Go on.
Right. Yes.
Erm, good luck. Break a leg.
[laughter, indistinct chatter]
Fanny, that family's still in mourning.
It's a terrible faux pas to invite them
to a party.
Oh, no, I hate faux pas!
Ada, lovely to see you.
Do you think my faux pas
is why Phineas hasn't come?
-My actors are missing, too.
-No, dearest. They'll all be here.
Meow.
Meow.
-Phineas.
-Oh, Lady Fanny.
-You look wonderfully radiant.
-[chuckles]
Shall we?
[crickets chirping]
[distant chatter, laughter]
[door being unlocked]
Yes. You took your time.
You try running in heels.
-[Fagin] Come on, Flashy.
-Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Flashy. I owe you one.
Just don't get killed,
or Fagin will turn me into soup.
Lovely to meet you.
-Good evening. Good evening.
-[Lady Jane] Welcome.
[Governor] Hello. Yes, welcome. Yes.
-Good evening.
-[Governor] Yes. Yes.
-Good evening.
-Hello.
[Governor] Welcome. Yes, yes.
[Dickie] Good evening.
Good evening. Lady Belle, I think.
Hello, Inspector.
Are you enjoying yourself?
Not really. [sighs]
Rather be upstairs with a good book.
-Which?
-Aeschylus.
-The Oresteia?
-Yes.
-In Greek?
-Obviously.
May I escort you inside?
Yes, all right.
-I enjoy a party.
-Hmm.
Warms my heart to see people
in the throes of shared sorority.
That's why I do my job.
To keep the darkness out.
Your attention, please.
[chuckles]
It's time for tonight's affair.
A demonstration of The Quadrille Polka.
Shall we?
I thought you don't dance?
[speaks Latin] Exceptio probat regulam
in casibus non exceptis.
The exception proves the rule.
Yes, I've read Cicero.
Belle, it won't work without four couples.
If it's too fast, we can stop.
No, it's all right.
Although I fear I'm out of practice.
But perhaps we skip the lift.
Excellent.
[Fagin] Oh, it's an oasis.
Yes, lush meadows, rainforests,
sparkling lakes.
I wouldn't be surprised
if the very trees didn't grow money.
And it is arable. It is devilishly arable.
I've tasted the grass meself,
and it's got this sweetness to it
that'll keep your sheep
all nice and plump,
and your pockets prosperous.
[chuckling]
So, gentleman, what's it to be?
Well, as soon as we've seen
the land grants, Mr Fagin,
I suspect you'll have a group
of very well-connected buyers, yes?
Well, chin-chin.
Cheers. [chuckles]
-Cheers.
-[guest] Very good.
[classical music playing]
Care to dance, Governess?
Absolutely not.
Come now, Janey.
I recall a time when you adored
a Venetian ball.
[classical music continues]
-[music stops]
-[guests laughing, chatting]
[violin cover of
Sia "Cheap Thrills" playing]
-When did you last dance?
-Seven years ago.
Well, you dance very well.
Hold me as tight as you like, Phineas.
I shan't let you go, Lady Fanny.
[music tempo increases]
[Belle giggles]
[all laughing]
-[music ends]
-[cheering, laughter]
Very good. Very good.
Yes.
[Phineas] That was marvellous, Lady Fanny.
[Fanny] Inspector Boxer.
Well, um, I believe that
that Colonel Branson here
has a question about pastoral irrigation.
Oh, don't you worry about the waters.
It's got the lot.
Lakes, rivers, streams, ponds.
Plenty for your pigs and your goats
to guzzle and splash around in.
They'll have a lovely old time.
And all as pure and fresh as a
a rain-washed pigeon.
Look, er, I'll be very happy
to natter more about it,
but I've gotta deal with a client
who's just purchased 10,000 prime acres.
So, excuse I, gents.
I told you. We really need
to get in on this.
[Flashbang] You'll be fine.
Just breathe and let the words flow.
What are you two doing here?
You're supposed to be nicking me
a land grant.
We can't. Aputi's got stage fright.
I just feel more comfortable
with Juliet's lines.
For the last time,
you're not going on the stage.
Now, get me the paperwork.
I've got toffs chomping at the bit.
[spoon tapping on glass]
[ringing sound echoes]
Yeah, thank you all for welcoming
my dear brother Dickie to Port Victory.
Now
[muffled] I I may have
[speech fades out]
What are you doing here?
[Governor]
He taught me many lessons growing up.
Lessons that still impact the decisions
that I take today.
Er, well, although we haven't seen
each other for quite some time,
I'll never forget the time that Dickie
took me, as a young boy,
to the Shropshire Agricultural show
and introduced me to the great passion
of my life, the marrow.
-Now--
-Budge over, Edders, for Christ's sake.
[Governor] Yes.
My lords and ladies,
what an unmitigated joy it is
to join your fellowship.
Now, I trust you're surviving
my younger brother's administration
[chuckles]
for better or for worse.
Probably for worse.
[laughs]
But know that I am here
with the experience of a former Viceroy,
to assist him with humility and grace.
And so, a toast.
To me! Yes?
-Come on, we gotta get the land grant.
-There you are.
[Governor]
Yes. Well, my lords, ladies
[Fanny]
I've been looking for you everywhere.
Come along. It's your on-stage call.
[Flashbang] Oh, um
Actually, madam, we are--
-Mr Fagin, the land grants.
-Momentarily.
-[Governor] and friend, Dickie.
-[Dickie] Yes.
-[Governor] Er, to Dickie!
-[all] To Dickie!
Bloody hell! Do it meself!
[all] For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
-For he's a jolly good fellow ♪
-For I'm a jolly good fellow ♪
And so say all of us ♪
[Cassandra] Stop being silly.
What are you doing?
Where are you going?
You shouldn't be playing up here.
It's not safe.
Cassandra?
-[groans]
-Cassandra!
[Cassandra groaning]
What on earth?
[Dodger breathes heavily]
She's having visual hallucinations.
Sad Boy's crying.
[sobbing]
-Why are you here?
-I had to see you.
Jack, this is precisely the kind
of foolish risk that we've talked about.
To ask you a medical question.
Oh.
Now, I don't give a toss
about masked balls.
Neither do I.
-You could've fooled me.
-What do you mean?
What do you know about epilepsy?
As much as anyone.
No one really understands it,
just as I don't understand
why you're being so tetchy.
I suspect that there is pressure
on her brain
from when she had a fall and hit her head,
and I think that that pressure
is exacerbating her underlying epilepsy.
[Belle] What pressure, specifically?
A subdural bleed, which if I'm right,
needs to be drained
-before it crushes her brain.
-Yes, but from where?
[Cassandra moans]
I don't know exactly.
If it's in the back of her cranium,
it needs a lumbar puncture.
-If it's in the front, a skull trephine.
-Where are you going?
[Belle] and this is a masquerade ball!
[Dodger]
Well, that hasn't stopped us before.
And what did you plan to do?
Pick one and cross your fingers?
-[Dodger] No.
-Cassandra, come here.
Lumbar puncture first.
Obviously, it's a smaller wound.
And then if that fails, trepanning.
You are completely reckless.
You are rushing to conclusions
without enough evidence.
You haven't proven there's a trauma yet.
First, we need to try medicine
to address her underlying symptoms.
You cannot cut her skull on a hunch.
I saved you on a hunch.
No, you saved me
with my meticulously planned surgery.
Fine. Well, then she needs your wits.
But if it doesn't work,
then we have to operate.
[Belle] No, I'm sure I've seen a report
of medication that can reduce symptoms.
Belle, please, there's no time for books.
The delay could kill her.
So will impatience.
But soft!
What light through yonder window cometh?
But she is my lady. She is my loveth.
Well, she knew-eth she were.
Inspector, my daughter's missing.
I saw a man follow her.
I will find her, milady.
O, Romeo, Romeo.
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Deny thy father
and refus-eth thy nam-eth.
Or if thou wilt not,
be but sworn-eth my loveth,
and I'll no longer be a Capulet-eth.
Words are all wrong.
What edition are they using?
I still think it's wonderfully romantic.
I'm feeling jittery, Phineas.
I can't watch any more.
Can I show you my pottery nook?
You can show me the world, Lady Fanny.
[Flashbang] What is Montague?
Hand, foot, arm, face?
No other part of man?
[intriguing music playing]
"Too dangerous", he says.
"I'm not a fool."
No, of course you're not, Dodger.
A bloody idiot.
Puppet-faced little fibber.
Yes!
Yes.
[Boxer] Miss Cassandra!
Miss Cassandra?
Miss Cassandra, are you here?
Miss Cassandra, is that you?
[mysterious music playing]
[Phineas] Lady Fanny.
I feel as though
I'm inside your very soul.
I'm not sure it would be
a very exciting place to be.
I couldn't imagine a world more radiant.
Come.
[electronic music playing,
Empire of the Sun "Alive"]
Days go by my window ♪
I want to teach you about my passion.
World slows down as it goes ♪
Now
Now, sit close to the wheel
and plough forward.
Here, I'll show you.
So, gently now.
Loving every minute
'Cause you make me feel so alive, alive ♪
So Squeeze and pump.
Gently now. Squeeze.
You're very good at this, Phineas.
You make everything seem
so effortless, Lady Fanny.
Tracing steps with you ♪
Wrapped in velvet gold ♪
Can't you help me see? ♪
They won't get right ♪
May I
be so bold as to kiss you?
You may be so bold.
Lovin' every minute
'Cause you make me feel so alive ♪
Alive ♪
Alive ♪
Alive ♪
Can you describe ♪
[gasps]
Phineas?
Are you Are you all right?
Phineas?
[exhales]
Phineas?
[Fagin] Caught mud-handed.
No, we we we were just pottering.
It helps me relax.
Yes.
Well, you can't get more relaxed
than dead.
[Fanny gasps]
What came over you to commit
such a heinous murder?
What?
No! His hair got caught in the wheel!
Oh, yeah, 'course it did.
Got you angry, did he?
No, quite the opposite.
No, I understand. Lovers' quarrels.
They can turn violent.
B-But I didn't hurt him!
Oh, so his neck snapped all by itself?
Yes!
That won't stand up in a court of law.
If anyone was to find out,
your neck would be the next to snap.
[Fanny gasps]
Seems to me that you are
quite the scrivener, Lady Fanny.
I do have excellent penwomanship.
Right.
Here's the idea.
You copy this land grant
all nice and toffy,
and I'll get rid
of this pretty lump of clay for you.
"Lump of clay"?
He's my sweet kitten paws.
Not any more.
Er, you want me to forge
a government document?
Erm, isn't that illegal?
You got a dead man here
with his head on backwards.
That's illegal.
Look.
I promise I won't peach on you.
No one would find out about poor Phineas?
Never. I cross me heart.
What choice do I have?
Farewell, my Prince.
Marvellous. Now we can all
get back to your wonderful shindig.
Except for Goldilocks here.
[exhales]
-Search the south wing.
-Yes, sir.
[muffled groaning]
[Belle] This should relieve the symptoms,
which will give us time to investigate
more thoroughly.
[Cassandra groaning]
[Cassandra groaning]
[Dodger] Christ.
Whoever is in there, open this door now!
-[Dodger] It's Boxer.
-[hammering on door]
[continues hammering on door]
Have you found her?
-[Dodger] Belle?
-Nearly there.
[Lady Mumby] Cassandra!
Calomel, soda, chalk, mercury.
I'm going to count to three,
and then I shall break down this door!
Belle, hurry up.
-[Boxer] One!
-Spoon. Where's a spoon?
-[groans]
-Two!
Cassandra, drink this, please. Here.
-Three!
-[grunts]
Whatever is the fuss, Inspector?
Are you both all right?
Out of my room!
I don't allow men in here.
-I thought that--
-There's no killer here, Inspector.
Just women's business.
Please.
Er, forgive me. I apologise.
Lady Belle was helping me
with Sad Boy, Mama.
So was--
Does your head still hurt, Cassandra?
No, I feel very well.
Where is the Sad Boy now?
He's gone.
[exhales]
-Thank you, Lady Belle.
-Yeah.
Yes. Take her to the hospital
for observation, Lady Mumby.
-Ask for Nurse Baggett.
-Thank you. I will.
[exhales heavily]
You were right.
And you were rash.
[cheering, applause]
-[Aputi] Thank you. Thank you.
-[Flashbang] You're too kind.
-We do it all for you.
-[Aputi] You're too kind.
[Flashbang] Thank you.
-But we were good!
-Yeah, we were really good.
I wept at your,
"Say goodnight till it be morrow-eth."
And your, "Faithful vow cleft my heart
in twain."
Stop blowing smoke
up each other's inexpressibles
and get thee to the pottery room.
There's a dead body, needs taking care of.
Come on.
-[Flashbang sighs]
-Come on.
It's not my best.
My hands are still shaking with grief,
but I think it will suffice.
Well, go on, then. Read it back.
"This hereby warrants 'name'
to take ownership
"the quantity of 200 acres of prime land
in the heart of Central Australia.
"Given under my hand and seal.
Governor Edmund Fox."
Bravo, Lady Fanny.
Bravo.
You're a right roller, ain't yer?
-A what?
-A roller.
A gonoph.
A blagger. A dipper.
A hornswoggler. A flimp.
You're a master criminal, milady.
-Am I?
-Yes!
A dead body, a stolen land grant,
a forgery
and all whilst hostessing
a splendiferous knees-up.
You are a veritable
scofflawing genius, ma'am.
Am I?
Oh.
Perhaps Could this be my true calling?
Yes.
Yes, I've got
I've got plenty of work on offer
for the likes of you.
My band of merry men
could do with a merry lady.
If you don't mind,
I'll get these land grants
back to their rightful owners.
[intriguing music playing]
[Flashbang grunting]
Don't mind our bunny.
He's disgraced himself with champagne.
Thank you for coming!
[Alistair] You feeling better?
[Cassandra] I'm fine.
Thank you, Professor.
Cassandra.
Your little sad friend,
did he ever tell you his name?
You're very good with children.
I had a boy once myself.
For a little while.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
He told me his tummy was sore,
but I was too busy with the hospital.
The next morning my wife
found our son dead in bed.
Septic appendicitis.
What was his name?
Alfie.
Alfie.
I'll pray for his soul.
[door closes]
Pray for mine too.
[blows]
Belle!
Where are you?
Are you out here?
There are some guests
who wish to say farewell.
[Belle] Jack, you must go.
-[Lady Jane] Belle!
-If they catch you, they'll hang you.
-[Dodger] No, no, hold on. Hold on.
-Jack!
[both breathing heavily]
Jack, words. Use your words.
Just talk to me.
I can't speak Latin
-What's that got to do with anything?
-or Greek.
And And I can't ever dance like a toff,
nor do I want to.
Jack Dawkins, are you jealous?
Yes.
Of course I'm bloody jealous.
[Lady Jane] Belle! Where are you?
Go!
[theme music playing]