The Other One (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

1
This is how bad it got,
I ended up eating the fruit from the
bowl on the hotel reception,
just so I wouldn't have to pay
for breakfast.
I really need to sort your
father's pension.
It's fine, Mum, I'll cover your
rent.
It's not just the rent though,
Cathy,
I'm down to my last 50
Nectar points.
I'm having to go
to Marilyn's tonight just
to get fed.
BELL RINGS
Ooh, early Valentine?
Uh, God I wish -
my gentleman well is bone dry.
I'm actually going to
a GCSE Maths class.
Why? Got a first-class degree
in Maths.
I know, but I promised Cat I'd go
for moral support.
I actually could do with
the ego boost,
even if it is by beating
a load of 15-year-olds in
a maths quiz. All right, then.
God, I love me some maths.
Ooh, exciting.
Oh, I'm brickin' it going back
to school.
Y'know, I spent three years on my
own in the toilet cos I hated it
that much.
Yeah, but I'm going to be your
mathematical wing-woman this time.
Ooh, before I forget
Got you this.
Aww.
It's a calculator.
I've already got one on my phone.
It was Dad's, just does your basics,
your matrix and vector
calculations and such. What?
Man, I envy you.
You know, I've always thought if
I was kicked in
the head by a horse
and lost my entire memory,
at least I could relearn maths.
Oh, it'd be like I'd never
seen Bridgerton.
Do you know what I would re-listen
to for the first time?
Coldplay's Yellow.
Oh, hi,
is this is the GCSE Maths crammer?
Get your good selves in here.
I'm Eamon Hammond.
You must be Catherine Walcott
and, ah,
there's been an admin error,
I've got you down twice here.
Oh, no we're both Catherine
Walcotts, we're sisters.
Am I calling you both Catherine?
Oh, no, I'm Cathy and she's Cat.
Well, grab yourself a seat, guys
because where we're about to go is
going to knock your little
sockettes off.
I'm Cat, try not to fall in love
with me, yeah?
So let's start with
a simple equation.
U plus Me equals success.
Put it there, Cat.
Oh, it's Cathy, but
Oh, my bad, Cathy!
Right.
Oh, that Eamon Hammond is
an absolute hunk,
isn't he?
Two plus two equals phwoar.
I'd resit all my exams if he was
my teacher.
HORN HONKS
Cat, Cathy, over here!
We've come to pick you up.
Ohh, I've been kicking myself since
I missed your first first day
at school,
so there was no way
I was missing this one.
And who's this?
Err, Patrick,
but everyone calls me Deggs,
or Little D, or Yung Deggy with
with no O in the young,
just, just Yung Deggy.
Enchante, Yung Deggy.
Marilyn, Little Tess,
and this is young Angela.
Cathy, Tess tells me you can help me
win my men back. Sorry?
Oh, you're going to look at memorial
benches with Callum tomorrow,
aren't you?
Surely you could put in a good word.
Oh, yeah,
I'm not sure I'm entirely
comfortable being
the sort of go-between,
I'd, er, I'd rather remain
the sort of Switzerland of
the situation, if I may.
What you on about Switzerland?
Oh, the, er, the Swiss were famously
impartial between the Allies
and the Nazis during World War II.
What, Angela's a Nazi?
No, no-one's a Nazi. Question,
how are you going to get two extra
people and two bikes in that car?
Oh, shit, me bike's been nicked.
That solves that, then.
CORK POPS
Hey! Oh-ho, to the new director
of Aggregate Excess Of
Loss Products,
congratulations on your promotion.
Well done, well done.
Thank you. Oh, you're probably not
old enough for a glass of champagne,
are you? Great job.
Oh, hi, hi, hi, hi there, yeah,
I need some legal advice on
a gender discrimination issue.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Cathy? You all right in there?
Just making sure you haven't injured
yourself or attacked anything.
I-I-I'm just
..doing a big poo.
You shouldn't really be shitting in
the disabled toilet.
Anyway, your mum's at reception.
So if I want to make an outside call
to a friend or Hi, Mum.
Hello, darling, good news.
I've got myself a trial as
a receptionist.
Gloria here has just been bringing
me up
to speed on headset etiquette,
so it means I'll finally be able
to pay my own rent.
Oh, wow, where is it?
It's, a sort of, er,
boutiquey, specialisty, officey
It's the other side of town and
it'sit's sort of a wellness
centre withwith a
health practitioner.
Are you working
for Marcus's surgery?
Yes, OK, yes, I am,
but, you know, just until
the pension pay-out is sorted.
Oh, my God.
After what he did to me?
Cathy. The only job
I have ever had is as a housewife
and now I have neither
a house nor am I a wife,
so you tell me,
what else am I good for
but a basic, low-skilled, dead-end
job like receptioning?
Apologies for my mother, Gloria.
Out, get out.
What did I do now?
Honestly, it's one thing
after another, it really is.
Cat?
Are you doing anything for
Valentines?
Wigging out over next week's
mock exam, babe.
Here, do you guys want to come over
to mine to revise after class
tomorrow?
Yeah, yeah, will there be booze?
I know I'm only 16, but
No.
As the sad spinster of
the village, it's a yes from me.
OK. First, I want to give
a big woop-woop
to this week's maths magician,
Cathy.
Ha-ha-ha.
Lovely prime number trees, Cathy.
Oh, 83%.
Oh, this is Cat's, erm, the other
Catherine Walcott, my sister.
Oh! My bad. Well done, Cat.
Bloody hell, that's good, innit?
Amazing.
MUSIC PLAYS: Celebration
by Kool & The Gang
All right, everybody up,
I feel a maths dance coming on.
Yeah! Feel the maths!
It's not all about you, mate.
Hello.
Hi. Not kerb-crawling, I hope,
Eamon.
Sorry?
Oh, I said I hope you're not
kerb-crawling!
Is that a saying?
Oh, yes, it's what one does when one
is picking up ladies of the night.
It gets a bit lost in translation,
so
Cos you're a prostitute?
Well, I prefer the term sex worker.
Oh, so you are a sex worker?
Oh, no, no,
I wish I hadn't said anything now.
Great work today,
I know talent when I see it.
Oh, well, thank you.
I mean, you have great eyes.
Erm, a great eye.
Also, full disclosure, I actually
already have my Maths GCSE.
You are fascinating.
I really want to penetrate that head
of yours.
Thank you, but it's not
really that interesting.
I was wondering if maybe
I could take you to
dinner tomorrow night?
Oh, erm
I'm supposed to have
a study sesh but, erm
Yeah, I mean,
it's Valentine's, so, so why not?
HORN HONKS
She said yes!
Ooh.
Sorry about this.
I thought you were getting here at
7:45? Yes.
We open at eight.
Can't start the day without
a decent caffeine shot.
Don't worry, I got you
an extra-milky latte.
Right, well, I'm going to let
the patients in now.
Yeah, hold on while I do a pee-pee.
Won't be long.
Great.
Hello, you're early.
Yeah, I stayed at this girl's house
last night
and it was, like, two roads down
from here.
Oh. What luck. Is this girl some
sort of pal or?
Oh, no, it was just someone I hooked
up with on Tinder.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,
you know, you're just
a young, single guy,
so why not? You know,
spread your seed!
Shall we go?
Shut up, Cathy.
Oh, I think the benches are
over there.
Ah, what about a memorial hammock?
MmmI don't know.
Not exactly a conventional sort
of memorial bench,
you know,
it's a bit avant-garde, I suppose.
It's like getting a thong on after
you'd had a shower.
I mean, it's a lovely idea, Cat,
but I don't think we're
going to fit three of
us in there, will we?
You're kidding. Course you can.
Look. Ooh.
Over. See?
Even room for one more.
OK, I'll just
You've convinced me.
Ooh!
ALL GIGGLE
Oh, my God, Cathy!
Ahh, well, if it isn't
Claire with an I from Dubai.
Oh, my God, hi, PC!
Hi, OC, long time, no see.
Oh, this is Catherine,
though we actually called her
PC at school.
For Pretty Cathy.
Yeah, or Primary Cathy.
And I was OC, as in Original Cathy.
Other Cathy.
Yeah. Erm This is Callum and Cat.
The infamous Cat.
Claire told me all about you from
the hen do.
For the wedding that didn't happen.
We're actually looking at benches.
It's our dad's first anniversary,
so we're doing a little
memorial near his ashes.
Yeah, at the car park,
back of Chorley Road.
The dogging car park?
Yeah, do you got there often?
Ohh, who's this cute bundle of
baby?
This is my little bubba.
Coo-coo-coo-coo-coo.
BABY CRIES
Er, no, sorry, I didn't mean
to do that, I don't
Can I have a cuddle? Oh, yeah.
Thanks. Go for it.
Is that your new man? Is he why your
wedding fell through?
Oh, no, no, this is my
Brother. Yeah, I'm their brother.
Oh, God, I didn't realise there were
three of you.
Yeah, I am actually seeing someone
at the moment, though,
his name is Eamon.
What, Eamon Hammond,
our Maths teacher?
Er, yeah, yeah,
we're actually going out for a
fancy Valentine's meal tonight.
You and your Maths teachers, OC.
You know, she slow danced
with our Head of Maths at
the leaver's ball?
OK, it wasn't a slow dance,
it was just
I just held his hips in
a conga line,
it was very innocent.
Well, I'm going to get this
little chick home for a snooze,
but it was really nice to see you.
Yeah, and you.
Bitch.
Bitch.
Oh Yargh.
Oh, God. Oh. You all right?
Why are they taking so long?
I can't believe a pension
provider's being inundated
with calls, can you?
Do you need these Post-its?
I'm kitting out
an office in Cat's room
for her studies.
Oh, no, go for your life.
Office stationery is there
to be pinched.
So nice to get another bite of
the biscuit.
I can meet Cat from school,
do her packed lunches,
buy fags for her friends.
Hi, are my results back yet?
I'm just on the phone.
Fine, date of birth and surname.
26th of the 5th, '69. Burrows.
'69, Burrows.
You've got a UTI.
Oh Have you tried
cranberry juice?
I have to say,
it's never worked for me,
but it's all right with vodka.
I've just had a barrage of emails
saying no-one can get
through to reception.
Oh, believe me, I'm as annoyed as
you are, Marcus.
I've been on hold to this pension
provider for over an hour.
An hour and 45.
You're not supposed
to be behind reception.
I'm not stopping long.
Can you not vape in here, please?
I'm not.
MAN: Hello?
Hello? Hello, Peter? It's me.
Look, I really
I really need to talk to you.
And I just want to say I'm
I'm so I'm so, so sorry,
and if you could just give me a
chance
LINE CUTS OFF
Hello, Mrs Douglas,
sorry we're late.
Tina Turner wouldn't get in
the back of the van again.
Hello, girl.
Oh, thank you, Mel, thank you.
See you tomorrow, Mrs Douglas. OK.
Come on. Come on, Tina,
you're coming with Mummy.
So, while I have you,
I think it'd be good if we took
a DNA test,
just in case there's anyone else
out there
and to avoid a repeat of
Snogging a relly.
So I thought we could all do
a test now
and then if you want to get it on
with a consenting adult,
just ask your intended
to spit in this pot,
pop it in the post
and they will email you the
results in 21 working days.
So if you could just remain chaste
for a month
and a day, that'd be great.
Are you saying I can't
have sex for a month?
And a day. Yeah.
OK, so there you go, Cat.
There you are.
So just spit in the pot
and that'd be great.
Are you going to make our
Maths teacher do a test?
Well, you know, if push
comes to shovey time, then,
yeah, I will get him to spit for me.
I can't believe you're blowing me
out to go on a date
with Eamon Hammond.
Talk about being a teacher's pet.
Look, I've got to think of my
golden triangle.
Isn't family part of
your golden triangle?
SHE HAWKS UP SPI
You know, if a great guy asks me on
a date, then I'd be
a numpty not to go.
Also, ethically, it's not really on
for a pupil
to be dating a teacher,
so FYI, I'm quitting Maths.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, yes. Yes, I know,
I've been on hold for over an hour
and I really need to talk
to someone about this pension.
Ooh, could you come back in five?
My friend's just using the
computer to book a hotel.
Nothing's available tonight,
everybody's shagging their lover
on Valentine's.
God, I miss hotel sex.
You know, it's so clean
and yet so dirty,
and you get to keep the shampoo.
Well, why don't we all do something?
I could buy some Spumante
and we could watch YouTube videos
of Anthony Joshua looking sweaty?
Right. Meredith has just got back
from shooting
the cover of her cookbook,
so I am taking the afternoon off
to spoil her rotten.
Oh, my G What is this?
What's what?
This. Whose dog is this?
"This" has a name.
Her name's Tina Turner
and I'm holding her hostage.
Don't ask. I'm not going to remind
you again, Tess,
you are here to work
and I'm not going to give you
any special treatment just
because you're my ex-mother-in-law.
Good.
I can't believe Cathy dumped me to
get it on with him.
What's wrong with your face?
Oh, nothing, I just shaved.
OK. Guys, I got to get
out of here at 7:30 tonight,
for a piping hot date,
so let's have a bit of extra focus,
shall we? OK. Ratios homework.
Cat, not your best work.
Yeah, I just couldn't get my head
around
the bit where it said that
Eli needed
I'm in a bit of a
hurry tonight, yeah?
The answer is nine.
Eli has nine, Bobby has two.
Which means this week's
magic-matician is Debbie!
MUSIC PLAYS: Celebration
by Kool & The Gang
Whoa, I don't have time for
impromptu maths dances.
Music off, please.
Right, probability.
Marcus? What are you doing here?
Meredith has chucked me.
Yeah, one minute we're sharing a
mezze,
and the next, I'm single
with way too much tzatziki.
I mean, what is the point
of anything any more?
Do you know what?
I'm going to drink all of this.
Ahh, uhh
Oh, Marcus. Look, do you
want to come back to ours?
Will, erm Will Cathy be there?
No. You'll just have to make do
with little old me.
Thanks, Tess-co Superstore.
Hey, we could watch Grand Designs
and guess how much money they've
lost, like in the old days.
CAR BEEPS
Right, we're here.
Tina, Tina.
Look more like a hostage.
Why is there a horse in our house?
It's Tina Turner.
I'm texting Peter
a hostage address pick-up,
then he'll have to see me.
Um, go upstairs, there's
a surprise for you.
Come on, Deggs.
I'll leave you to it.
No, I won't leave you to it
cos I want to know what you think.
Aww! Oh! Ha-ha! I got a bit carried
away.
I'll get you a couple of extra
chairs for your study buddies.
Oh, cheers, Mum - it's just me
and Deggs tonight.
Cathy's blown us out
to shag the teacher.
Oh. Then there's more Maths
to go round,
and there's pizza and crisps
downstairs if you're hungry.
You got any booze?
BOTH: No!
Sorry about the crazy vibe.
Oh!
It turns out it's quite hard to get
the last-minute table on
Valentine's night.
Oh, my goodness,
how could I forget?
Oh, my.
Oh, it's a sweetie pi, I love it.
Yeah, baby!
Cathy
..I've been thinking about this date
all day -
I could barely sleep last night,
dreaming about you -
and I just want to say
..you're really something else,
honey girl.
Ohh.
Do you mind if I kiss you?
Yes, please.
Thunderbolt city.
I feel like Tom Cruise on Oprah,
when he lost his head then
trampolined around
the sofa about the lady from
Jacob's Creek.
Can we go back to your place?
Yes.
I mean, actually, I'm staying with
my mum at the moment,
but she's out with my
dad's other lover,
so, sure, live in the moment.
Oh, actually, sorry, weird question,
but how much do you look like your
dad?
We're almost identical.
Oh, my God, yeah.
Now I'm even more aroused.
Can't get enough of your mouth!
Oh, Cathy,
I thought you were on a date.
What the actual F is
Marcus doing here?
Hello. Hello.
I'm Cathy's mum.
Goodness' sake.
Come on, Eamon, don't mind them.
Should I leave?
No, no, it's fine.
Anyway, this guy's just discovered
that his freshly dug basement is
below the water table, so
If Cathy can't be bothered,
then why should I?
Yeah, yeah, no,
but totally agree, yeah.
So, Cat
..did you get any Valentine's Day
cards this year?
What have I said about
falling in love with me?
I've never felt like this.
I think I love ya.
Ohh.
You're dead smart,
you're proper funny,
you're literally
the kindest person I've ever met
and I haven't even mentioned
your bangin' baps.
Oh, God.
DISTANT CRYING
Can you hear crying?
Everything all right up there?
Bloody Deggs has just admitted his
undying love for me.
CAR HORN BLARES
It's time to face the music.
Wish me luck.
Hello, Peter.
Where's Tina?
She's at a secure location.
OK, she's here,
but I really needed to see you.
Whose house is this?
It's Marilyn's.
Who's Marilyn?
Oh, it's too complicated
to explain.
Actually, you know, it's not that
complicated, it's just a bit
..it's a bit messy.
Come on, Tina, in the car.
Oh, I miss you.
I know.
Come on, Tina, get in the car,
do as he says.
OK, look, I'll get the back,
you get the front.
Open the car, open the car!
OK, I'm opening it.
I don't know why we just
didn't get a chihuahua.
Come on, then, in.
Tina. Tina, in you get.
I'll get her paws in first
and then you push her.
To be fair, I deserve
the end with the arsehole.
Come on.
Stay.
Next time you're passing,
do you want to go for a
walk with me and Tina?
Yeah. That'd be, um
Yeah.
# Sitting here thinking, baby,
about you #
I'll jump. I don't care any more.
What's the point of living
if you don't love me?
Come on, Deggs, get inside,
don't be an idiot.
Ohh Bloody teenagers.
HE GIGGLES
Oh, OK!
Oh
HE PANTS
Ooh, actually, careful,
cos you might crease your
trousers.
Doesn't matter.
I'm just going to nip to
the bathroom.
Can't bear it, I have to fold.
Oh.
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.
Where did you find that?
I'm sorry,
II barely saw anything,
it just fell out of your
..your trousers when I was
folding them. Oh, God.
No, honestly, honestly,
it didn't ruin the surprise,
I mean, I know we've
only known each other
a matter of weeks and,
you know, madder things
have happened.
I guess I've always played it safe
in the past
and look where that's got me,
so, erm
..yes.
Oh, my God. Yes.
I will marry you.
Mahh!
That's my wedding ring.
What? You're married?
I lost one once,
so I always put it inside the box.
Oh, my God,
you've done this before?
Does your wife know about this?
No, of course not!
Do you want me to leave?
Yes, I want you to leave! Get out!
Wait, no, no, no,
my ex-fiance is downstairs and I
need him to believe that we are
partaking in some seriously
top-notch banging.
How long does it usually
take you to do the deed?
Erm, my PB is three hours.
Three hours?
I'm not sitting here
for three hours.
OK, let's call it 15 minutes.
I'll set a timer.
Could we at least play some music?
MUSIC FROM UPSTAIRS
Mmm, these yoghurts are delicious.
Wait till you get to the
prune layer at the bottom.
TIMER RINGS
DOOR OPENS
Cathy, that was amazing,
the best of my life.
Don't overegg it.
Yes, we'll definitely have
to do this again soon.
OK, bye now.
QUIETLY: You piece of shit.
You're so right about
that pruney bottom.
Mmm.
Come on, Deggs, man,
it's not worth it.
Look, me mum's made
stuffed-crust pizzas.
No. I can't.
My heart's been broken into
a million billion tiny pieces.
Poor kid, I know how he feels.
Right. If Mohammed won't come to
the Marilyn,
the Marilyn will go to Mohammed.
There's no point trying to talk
to me, Cat's mum, I'm a broken man.
It bloody hurts, doesn't it?
You did an amazing thing, Deggs -
you told someone you love them.
Loads of folk spend their entire
lives without being able
to tell people that.
Really?
I think what you did was brilliant.
Thanks, Cat's mum.
Now, do you want to come inside?
Because I'm sure I can dig out
a Beck's Blue.
It's so old now,
it's probably alcoholic.
Thank you. I'm coming down, guys,
I'm coming down.
HE SNIFFLES
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Hey, it's me. Can I come over?
Angela, my cushions smell of
raw bacon and dog's arseholes.
You'll miss me when I've gone.
Oh.
Just can't believe I thought
Eamon was going to be
a corner of my golden triangle.
No, you deserve someone amazing,
babes.
Only the best for us
Catherine Walcotts.
Oh, can you give him back this
when you see him in class?
He left it at my house.
Right, I should go.
Deggs, I can give you
a lift if you want.
Ahh.
Bye, babe. Bye.
Right.
So, am I right in thinking
you're single now?
# Wake up, Maggie, I think I got
somethin' to say to you
# It's late September and I really
should be back at school
# I know I keep you amused,
but I feel I'm being used
# Oh, Maggie, I couldn't
have tried any more
You led me away from home #