Tires (2024) s02e03 Episode Script

1
What's this?
Bonus.
[rock music playing over speakers]
[scoffs]
[Will] What?
It's a good bonus.
These bonus checks
aren't sustaining my new lifestyle.
Get me more. I'm a big dog. I need to eat.
You're giving me little scraps.
Then just give me more recommendations.
That is the same bonus--
Know what I recommend?
You give me more fucking money
before I kick your ass.
I'd like to see you try.
-What?
-[splutters] Nope. Take it back.
See these shades?
I see 'em.
-These are about one of those checks.
-You look ridiculous.
-[Shane] I look cool as shit.
-You don't.
Where'd you get those khakis?
Some sex shop?
-[Will] Boscov's. I got 'em at--
-Boscov's? [laughs]
[Will] Yes, Boscov's.
It's a store. They've got so many--
You could never catch me in Boscov's.
You think they sell these
at fucking Boscov's?
No.
Yeah?
Do you like 'em?
-I don't. I like the other ones you had.
-No one likes 'em.
I wanna look like a cool outfielder.
Like a Dominican outfielder.
Instead, my face is too fat for these.
-You think it's too fat?
-No, it's not too fat.
The lady at Sunglass Hut said
my face was too fat to get these glasses.
Now I look like a fucking asshole.
-Your penis is sticking out of the khakis.
-It's not sticking out.
-Are you hard?
-[Will] I'm not hard!
-[Shane] We need more money.
-Shane!
[mellow acoustic music playing]
[rock music playing over speakers]
[Will] So we need to pass this inspection,
otherwise, we won't be able to use
the building as collateral for the loan.
So it's important.
Obviously, we can't bribe him.
Should we tip him?
A tip is a bribe.
You have to offer yourself to him.
Sexually.
You don't need to bribe him.
The best things in life are free, Willy.
You know that.
You gotta tell him.
Gotta say, "I'm not a homosexual."
That makes you a delicacy in this world.
I'm glad I'm the only one
taking this seriously.
Gentlemen. Just wanted to inform you
that I happened to find what appears to be
some black mold up there
above the mechanics' station.
-I'll have to run a couple tests.
-I have a question.
Do you find this man attractive?
Um… uh…
Don't listen to him.
That's my cousin. He's just joking.
Um, what… what mold?
Black mold. You see where the wall goes
from slightly dirty to egregiously black?
That's the black mold.
It looks like that has been there
for some time,
and that is not good for your health.
I mean, long-term exposure to black mold,
no bueno.
-Do you take tips?
-No. I do not take tips.
You take socks?
-Who's offering his socks?
-Him.
No. I don't take socks.
I'd get that removed.
I'm gonna take a look around.
I'll be back in a little bit.
-[Shane] That's been there forever.
-It's right next to where I work.
Really good we found it now.
[rock music continues playing
over speakers]
-[Shane] Think this is what killed Arnold?
-[Will] Let's hope not.
Oh, wait. You killed Arnold.
You kicked him, and his heart exploded.
Shane! That's not what killed Arnold.
What did kill Arnold?
He died from, um…
arr… uh…
What's it called?
-It's weird. I can't remember.
-[Shane] My memory's been shit lately.
He wasn't that old, was he?
I think he was that age
where they don't look into what did it.
He was, like, 59.
That is old as shit for a mechanic.
True. Wait. How old are you?
Thirty-five.
-Oh my God!
-[Cal] What?
I thought you were 45.
The mold's got you looking old as shit.
Cal, get this cleaned up.
I'm not touching that.
-[Will] You have to.
-You want a slave so bad.
I don't wanna have slaves.
Shane, you have to stop
constantly telling people
I killed a man and want slaves.
-[laughs]
-Certain things you don't joke about.
One is homicide, the other is slavery.
Slavery's worse.
It is… it is worse, I agree.
But I'm saying--
-See? He wants 'em. He wants 'em bad.
-[Cal] Yeah.
I don't want slaves.
-You downplay slavery a lot.
-I don't downplay it!
-I've heard some things you've said.
-Like what?
Oh, don't put your eyebrows at me.
I haven't said anything…
You know I haven't said anything
about slaves. Badly. Goodly.
[country music plays]
[music fades]
Wait. What?
Yeah, all over that wall in there.
I've been breathing it in for years.
Symptoms include headaches,
cognitive impairment, neurological damage,
memory loss.
Holy shit.
What?
I have all these symptoms.
What? Are you worried about it?
-I'm not worried about it. You're worried.
-Well, we're all gonna die.
-I don't think I can feel my lips.
-I'm fine. I'm chill.
You're the ones freaking out.
I'm not worried about it.
I'm not worried about the headaches
I've had since working here.
Holy shit.
[ominous music playing]
Fuck!
[door chimes]
Hi.
Hello.
I'm here for an inspection. Kelly Miller.
Okay.
-Do you know how long it's gonna be?
-Depends. Is your car fucked up?
Um, it's been making a screeching noise
for about a month.
That sounds fucked up.
Yeah, probably. Is it gonna be expensive?
'Cause I'm probably just gonna abandon it.
It's a joke.
But if it is gonna be expensive,
that's gonna suck 'cause I'm kinda poor.
Oh, we'll give you
the poor lady discount, then.
You guys have that?
No, this place would be
a nightmare if we had that.
[Kelly] Mm-hmm.
You okay?
No. I got exposed to black mold,
and now I'm trying to figure out
if my brain's fucked up or not.
Oh my God. Okay.
Well, can you do this? It's like a test.
-So you do the opposite?
-[Kelly] Yeah, and then you go backwards.
-And if you can't do it…
-I'm skipping them.
-If you can't--
-They keep going the same.
-They keep going the same?
-Yeah.
-Shit.
-What do you mean? Are you a nurse?
No. I work for a catering company.
Oh, Jesus Christ. You scared me.
[Kelly] Sorry.
-Do you like chicken parm?
-Is that, like, a test again?
No.
I'm working a funeral today.
Italians.
And I was thinking,
what if I bring you some leftovers
for a couple bucks off my bill?
You bribing me with chicken parm?
Bribe you? I'd never do that. What?
I see, oh, the chicken parm discount.
-You guys… you guys have that.
-I'll honor a chicken parm discount.
[Kelly] All right.
I'll see you soon.
-[Shane] Yeah.
-Okay.
Um…
Or will I?
Don't die.
[door opens, chimes]
That's kind of a fucked-up thing
to say to me.
I love her now.
I can't look at that anymore.
Oh my God. I need to go home. [sighs]
That can't be your solution to everything.
It's like when you hear about a family
that moves into their brand-new home,
and everything's fine,
and then a week later, the dog is dead?
It's like, what happened?
-Is it in the water?
-What?
-[Kilah] You don't know!
-Calm down. You guys are gonna be fine.
You're up front here.
Shane and I gotta be worried.
-We're in the back with it.
-[sighs]
Yeah, that's a good point.
I am probably fine.
-[Kilah] Thank God.
-But--
We don't even know
how long that thing's been there.
-[tense music]
-All right?
When was the last inspection?
Your dad's gotta have records
of that stuff somewhere.
Just dig that stuff up
before you panic, all right?
Okay, stop yelling at us.
Hurry up!
[tense music continues]
He's going crazy.
-[Kilah] He's nuts.
-You ever heard of mold doing that?
Yeah, especially when there's full moons,
but only every other day.
And that happened three times this week.
I think some of that mold
is making its way up front.
[hip-hop music playing over speakers]
[pensive music plays]
[keyboard tapping]
[Will] Oop. Here it is.
Inspection files.
Not it.
Listen to this.
"For Jon.
Can't wait to see you again, baby."
I didn't know my mom wrote my dad
little love letters like that.
That's pretty s--
[country music riff plays]
Oh my God!
What? Is it a bug? Will, is it a bug?
No, it's not a bug!
It's my mom's tits, you idiot!
-Wanna help me clean some of this shit up?
-No. Kilah's going crazy.
It's weird how wild she's going.
-Who even gives a shit?
-Yeah, it's fucking nuts.
What's that? What are you doing?
It's a neurological exam to make sure
my faculties are still intact.
It's not going good.
Let me try that.
-[Shane] You're cheating.
-[Cal] I'm not cheating.
You gotta quit
making yourself crazy with this stuff.
Guys have worked around this for 25 years,
breathing this shit in. They're fine.
-[Shane] Yeah?
-Yeah.
[Shane] Like who?
Um…
Bill.
Bill Smersky.
-Smersky.
-[Cal] He worked here forever.
-He's doing good.
-He's good? Smersky's good?
Yeah. I haven't heard
that he's dead or anything.
-[Shane] Smersky's probably good.
-They would have told us if he died.
They would've told us.
-What's going on with your mouth?
-I'm fucking thinking.
-Are you sure it's your mom?
-I think so. I don't know.
Who else could it be?
I know what your mom looks like.
Let me see it. Let me look.
-Okay.
-Now give it.
If you show anybody this picture,
I'll cut your fucking head off, Kilah.
[Kilah chuckles] Oh my God.
Oh, Jesus, seriously?
[strains]
-Do you have it?
-[Kilah] I have it!
Ooh!
Nice bush.
I can't really tell
if it's your mom though.
What does the note say again?
It says, "I can't wait
to see you again, baby."
There's a little heart next to it.
It looks like my mom's handwriting.
-I… I don't know.
-Let me see if there's a date.
-Ah!
-[Will] Kilah!
Kilah, it's facing me!
-How long would they have been married?
-Twenty years?
[Kilah] Uh…
What?
I just… I don't think
many married women of 20 years
are sending nudes to their husbands.
I think it might be a side piece.
How do you know that? Talk! Tell me.
I mean, I send shit like this
to married dudes all the time,
like I just did.
I'm a little bit more cleaned up, though,
than your mom. No offense.
I… I mean,
that's good news, I guess?
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, you know, which is worse?
[tense, rhythmic music playing]
[drawer shuts]
[line ringing]
[woman] Hello?
Hi, is Bill Smersky there?
Technically, he is.
-Can I talk to him, please?
-Sure. You can try.
Bill!
[Bill] Some horses. There ain't nothing
to race anymore, ya fucking piece of shit!
-Is this Bill?
-[Bill mutters] Go on!
[woman] Bill, calm down!
-I don't want spaghetti.
-[Shane] What the fuck was that?
-[woman] Did you all have a nice chat?
-Hey.
No need to put Bill back on.
Um, do you know what happened to him
to make him like that?
[woman] Medically speaking,
Bill's brain's been gone
for quite some time.
His… his brain's been gone?
-Smersky's fucked up.
-Smersky was a mess.
I'm exactly like Smersky was.
No. Call, uh, Tagger. Ron Tagger.
-You want me to call Tagger? He's…
-[Cal] Yeah.
He's definitely gonna be fucked up.
-[Will] I'm gonna call him.
-[line ringing]
-This is Jon. Leave a message.
-[beep]
Dad, it's Will!
Call me back, buster!
-You know what's weird?
-What?
In that photo,
it looks like the woman had a lot of milk,
so it seems kind of odd
that you'd be the way you are.
Like, your physique, you know?
So it's probably not her.
It's probably not your mom.
-What?
-So you probably had formula.
I knew I should never have
let you look at the picture.
-Hi, is Ron there?
-[woman 2] Oh, no. He passed away.
I'm so sorry. Do you know how he passed?
[whispers] Got hit by a fucking bus.
That's good news.
That's…
No, I'm…
Good luck, then.
Okay.
Come on, Barbie, let's go party ♪
Here's what we need to do.
Do you know any doctors?
No. Do you have health insurance?
No. Every time I try to get insurance,
I quit halfway. It's too complicated.
They make it complicated
'cause they don't wanna help anyone.
No. Meanwhile, prisoners are getting tits
and pussies left and right these days.
Prisoners aren't getting tits and pussies.
-Look it up, dude.
-[Cal] I don't wanna look it up.
And if you want
free tits and pussies, just go
commit a crime. Get in prison.
You wish I had tits and pussies.
You fucking horny freak.
You'd fuck me if I had tits and pussies.
For real, though. Do I have a rash?
No, you're good.
-[Shane] Well, then fucking relax.
-I'm relaxed.
[rhythmic music playing]
Jesus Christ.
[phone ringing]
[beeps]
Hello.
[Jon] Hey.
What was with that voicemail?
-How's the inspection going?
-We've got black mold. It's fine.
-What?
-Dad.
Please.
Tell me you had an affair.
What has gotten into you?
I will not be mad.
I know it doesn't make sense right now,
but I will be happy.
Listen, I never cheated on your mother,
you sicko!
[Will] Me sicko?
You sicko!
I found a Polaroid of a naked woman
in a file labeled
"Inspection Files and Random Stuff"!
-I forgot about that--
-Random stuff! I'm so angry I could spit!
So tell me the truth.
Did you ever cheat on Mom?
Your mom and I
were having a tough time in the marriage.
We weren't having sex.
We weren't seeing much of each other.
And even when we did,
you were always practicing the trumpet.
So we saw a therapist.
The therapist suggested
we spice up our sex life.
No.
She suggested
we acted like
we're having an affair with each other.
No!
That photo is of your mother.
Every inch of her.
[screaming]
Don't throw it out!
[continues screaming]
Alabama, Alaska, Idaho?
Fuck.
It's Arkansas.
Is it Boston?
I'm fine.
I know it. [sighs]
It's… it's gonna be fine. It's…
Dude, I'm freaking out.
I can't feel my hands.
You're fine.
I'm not fine. My hair's falling out.
I've gained 20 pounds
since I've been working here.
It's because you drink 20 beers a night.
I think I'm having
a fucking heart attack, dude.
-What's this?
-[Will] Don't worry about that.
No, Shane!
Shane, put it back!
Ooh, Little Willy,
what have you been up to? You dog.
You were gonna keep this from me?
Hide these perfect tits from me?
And a bush? She's got a little bush going?
I haven't seen one in a dog's age.
Head out to the bush, huh?
Shrimp on the pussy.
Take her out back. Go to her out back.
Gonna eat her butt,
is what I'm talking about.
I would eat this person's butt.
I'm feeling better. This is helping me.
This woman's perfect tits and pussy
are bringing me back to life.
Maybe it's a scratch and sniff.
A little scratch and sniff
for Shaney to treat myself. [sniffs]
That's my mom.
-What?
-That's my mom. Your aunt.
You just sniffed a picture
of your aunt's vagina.
Hey, guys, just wanna let you know
everything else passed,
somehow, but you gotta
take care of that mo--
That's my… that's my aunt.
It's his mom.
Get out!
-Where'd you get this?
-[Will] I found it in a file.
I looked square at it,
which is nothing
compared to what you just did.
I touched it, and I sniffed it.
-You put your nose on it.
-Think it had cum on it?
Yes.
Shane, did you learn any lessons today?
I told you not to do it, and you did it.
And now you've got your uncle's jizz
all over your face.
-Take me to the hospital, please?
-We don't need the hospital.
What we do need are pills, strong ones,
something to wipe an entire day
off the books.
Kilah.
-Come in here.
-[Will] It's an emergency.
[Shane] Could you bring your pills in?
Yeah. Nighttimes or daytime ones?
-Daytime. Daytime ones.
-[Shane] Daytime.
[mellow acoustic music playing]
[door chimes]
He's alive!
I wish I wasn't. I wish I was dead.
He saw a picture of his aunt's tits.
-Modern day, or--
-[Shane] No, it was an old picture.
-Your car's good.
-[keys jangle]
It was just some buildup
on the brake rotors.
That's what the noise was.
It passed emissions and inspections, so
you're all good.
That's great. I have payment.
There you go.
Thank you, but I don't even know
if I could eat right now
after what I've seen.
I'll probably eat a little.
See how… You know?
-Yeah, see how it sits. Yeah.
-[Shane] Eat a little.
-Craziest thing happened.
-[Shane] What?
[Kelly] So the funeral that I was just at,
the guy died
from toxic black mold exposure.
You guys… Wait. You guys have that.
You guys… That was, like, the thing today…
this morning, right?
-Yeah.
-You guys had the black mold.
-Whoa! That's--
-I'm not even worried about that anymore.
I'm worried about
my aunt's tits that I saw.
I didn't know it was her,
and I stared at it, and it was her vagina.
And I liked it.
But this looks like it could help me.
[Kelly] Pretty good. I had some.
Hmm. There's my uncle.
It was his wife's tits I saw.
Oh!
-Okay.
-[Jon] Give me the picture.
The picture? No, I threw it out.
What? I've been looking for that
for years.
-[Will] Yeah?
-[Jon] Yeah.
If you want it,
you can download it from my brain
because it's seared
into my fucking memory!
Oh, quit being such a big baby!
It was his mom,
so he's not handling it well.
'Cause I'm happy to do it.
I'll dig up Grandma.
I'll put her in a sexy pose, and…
Think if you saw a picture
of your uncle's dick and you were like…
-[Kelly] Like, "Not bad. Okay girth."
-"Great balls."
Yeah, girthy uncle.
Yeah, I would… Yeah, I'd be
kind of fucked up from that too.
[Will] Then I'll just take
a nude of myself…
[Jon] Yeah?
…and you can find it. I'll go, "Eh!"
-And it'll be my penis.
-[Jon] Fantastic!
And have absolutely no trimming
of my pubic hair.
[Jon] Okay.
[Will] Then you could find that
and let that bounce around…
Would you wanna go out sometime?
So you've had toxic black mold exposure,
and you've seen your aunt's tits today,
and now you wanna go on a date with me?
-[Jon] What? What? Say it!
-Yeah.
[Will] A nude picture…
-Sure, yeah.
-[Shane] Yeah?
-[Kelly] Yeah.
-Nice.
[Jon] Shut up!
-[Will] Don't tell me to shut up!
-[Shane] It was a big day.
You were willy-nilly with your porn!
Oh, also my guys need health insurance.
Ooh, baby, I want you ♪
To hold my silly hand, ow! ♪
We could moonwalk down the side streets
My baby ♪
Oh! Make me feel so cool, babe ♪
You're so cool, baby ♪
You're so cool, baby ♪
Yes, you're so cool, baby ♪
You're so cool, baby ♪
You're so cool, baby ♪
You're so cool, baby ♪
You're so cool, baby ♪
You're so cool, babe ♪
Ooh, baby, just show me ♪
Ooh, those funky trousers and shoes ♪