Amandaland (2025) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Well, this is now
my fifth time of calling
and the Street View picture of
my house is still up on your site.
Is it just outside your house?
No, it's not just outside my house!
I'm visible all the way
up the street.
Sorry, what do you want me
to do about it?
Erm, excuse me? One minute.
Well, ideally, I would like you
to send the Street View car back
to take another photo
because the current one is
deeply compromising.
OK, I'll have a word with
my supervisor.
Yes, please do talk
to your supervisor.
Do you want me to call me back?
No, I'll hold.
This is ridiculous!
Oh
I did not know that was there.
Wow.
So that's what's behind
that big hedge.
Hello? Yes.
My manager said he can raise
a ticket. Right.
But he said,
"Don't get your hopes up."
OK. Well, that is very disappointing
and I shall be taking
my 360-degree viewing elsewhere.
Is there anything
Erm, could you just help me
with this?
I just need a moment to cool off.
Ooh, are they new kicks, Mal?
Not that I was looking at your legs.
I was. Mummy!
Sorry about my mother.
She buys her HRT on the dark web.
In answer to your question,
Anne, yes.
Ned decided he needed to upgrade
to a pair of Predators
and I've reached the age
where I will accept
my son's hand-me-downs.
And what's wrong with those?
They look brand-new.
Don't get me started.
JJ and Abs are paying him
to babysit Isla.
Now he thinks he's Daddy Warbucks.
I'm sorry. Your son is being paid
to look after his own sister?
Yep. OK, I'm going to say something
very controversial.
Oh, God.
I don't believe in paying
your children to look after
your other children.
Nope. You're not going to get
cancelled for that, Anne.
I'm sorry, but in my family, you
were looked after by the older kids
until you were old enough to look
after the younger kids.
Mm-hm. And then the older kids
had their own kids,
by which point, the younger kids
were the older kids,
and they looked after
the older kids' kids,
and then the whole thing
just continued again.
Is it over?
Well, I am lucky enough
to have my darling mother here.
You know it actually costs me
money to babysit,
once you've factored in
the cab fare, and
I often have to bring my own wine.
I have wine. Yes, but in a box.
That was ONE time.
I should really take advantage of
having Darius at home more
because me and Chris have just been
itching to try that new Indian
that's taken over from where
Shin used to be.
Not for me. I'm a loyal customer of
Pride Of Punjab in Park Royal.
Owner loves me so much,
he invited me to his wedding.
Hey!
Oh, you got a new dog, Fi?
Nah. Poor old Hugo's mummy
had a fall,
so I said I'd look after her pets
till she got out the hospital.
Oh. That is sad.
Yeah, my aunt took a fall once.
Off a harbour wall.
She was largely unhurt,
but she got a terrible fright,
and the subsequent PTSD
that she suffered
was a contributing factor to
the breakdown of her marriage.
Huh.
Right. Does anybody know where
43 Bencanton Road is?
I've got to pick up Hugo's bed
and feed Elspeth's cat.
Yeah, that's the end of our street.
I know Elspeth. I used to cut
her massive hedge.
Wait, that's who lives in the
big house with the massive hedge?
Yeah. Huh.
What big house with the massive
hedge? I just I can't picture it.
I'll show you on Street View.
You'll know it when you see it.
Have we lost our powers
of description?
You know, Anne, the big house,
with the, ermmassive hedge?
Yo. I got a bubble tea for Ned.
Oh, yeah.
Cheers, bro. Here's a tip.
There you go.
Cheers, mate. Nice one.
I'm sorry, but how much money is
your son actually making?
Ah
Right, kids Ooh!
..take the dogs. Wait outside.
I'll be two secs.
Morten, take the poo bags, please.
Fine, but it's five quid for
every poo I've got to pick up.
Don't suppose I could stick my head
through the door, Fi,
just for the sneakiest of peakiests?
Are you sure you should go in?
You know she has cats.
Yes, I know she has cats.
She has a cat allergy.
I don't have a cat allergy.
I just didn't get on with
that one specific cat.
Do you want to come in, Mummy?
Why would I want to go
into an old cat lady's house?
Suit yourself.
Come on, Fi.
Right.
Right, here we are.
Oh, wow.
She's kept all
the original features.
I'm getting serious spine tingles.
I could see my high horse
in this hallway.
Aslan, dinner time!
Shut the front door!
Is that a grand piano?
Aw!
No, thank you.
Hello, Aslan!
Do you want some Poultry Supreme?
Oh, this place is gorg!
Hello! How did I not know
it existed right under my nose?
Well, that hedge could do
with a bit of a trim.
It's pretty dingey.
Fi, it has so much potential.
Come on.
You could definitely introduce
some Scandi accents here.
What a shame about
the kitchen.
Such a pity
they ripped out the original.
Still, I mean, just so good.
Absolutely stinks,
but it's just gorgeous.
Oh, what a lovely garden!
Yeah, I'm sure it'll be a real
wrench for Elspeth to leave it.
She's leaving?
Yeah, since her fall, I think she
wants to be closer to her family.
So sad.
So, so sad!
Yeah.
Purely as a thought experiment,
I wonder what a house like this
goes for.
Mm. Dunno.
Yeah.
Come on, Mands,
let's get a wriggle on!
Mum, you owe me �10, by the way.
Oh, right.
Oh, what happened to your neck
Amanda? It's well blotchy.
It's not - it's fine. I just
I just caught the sun earlier.
You know what, Fi?
I would be more than happy to take
over your cat-feeding duties.
Honestly, it's the least I could do
for a neighbour in need.
So you can pop round to feed a cat,
but you won't pop round to feed me?
OK, one, you barely eat, and two,
you're always at my house, Mummy.
It's really not a hassle, Fi.
Well, if you don't mind, Mands
No.
..that'd be really helpful.
Yes! Yes, yeah. I love me some
community spirit!
I know. Somebody give me that OBE!
Yeah! Yeah.
Aw, you shouldn't have!
This ain't for you.
Oh. Thanks.
Anyway, I was wondering if I could
have some credit for my phone?
That's what your pocket money's for.
Yeah, I know, but I've spent it.
What about the cash
from your baby-sitting?
I guess I've spent that as well.
On what? I don't know.
Nothing, really.
All right, I think we need some
lessons in budgeting, mate.
You're going to teach me
about budgeting, yeah?
What? I'm good with money.
Great with money?
Yeah! Very good. Yeah, yeah.
Exhibit A.
You pretty much only eat
takeaways, Dad.
OK. But those leftovers,
they're like a free meal.
So I'm basicallysaving money.
I'm the money saving expert. Hmm.
OK.
We should probably call JJ. Mm.
Right. Well, we're just in that
new curry place if you need us.
And I've told Niamh she can stay up
to watch The Wheel if she wants.
And the twins can have a bowl
of cereal if they're still hungry.
No worries. But just so you know,
I do charge �15 an hour.
Since when?
Ned charges �10 an hour to
look after one kid,
and I'm offering 15 for three.
Seven quid a head. Bargain.
How are you still so bad at maths?
No. I am not paying you to babysit
your brothers and your sister.
Fine.
I guess I'll just go and see
Georgie, then.
Chris, take off your spanx -
we're staying in!
As-lan?
Here's your dinner.
Ugh, it stinks!
Ugh!
Oh
Look at me, Aslan.
Don't move.
Right, so the best way
to monitor your spending is to go
through your bank statements, OK?
So we'll use my last month
as an example.
Er, BP Garage.
That's �45 for petrol.
That goes under "travel".
Hmm? Mm-hm.
Forbidden Planet - �3.30.
What's that? Batman comic.
How old are you?
Abigail, you're literally
sucking on a Frube.
Do you go through your
bank statements every month?
Oh, me? No. I'm usually quite
strict with my spending.
I probably should do it
more often, though.
So we have a payment
to UK-TERP Limited.
�7.99.
Yeah, I'm not sure what that is.
Abs, do you know what
UK-TERP LTD is?
Er, nope.
Hmm. I'll highlight it
to check later.
How are you getting on, Mal?
Erm
Well, that's a lot of money
you spend at the Pride of Punjab.
No wonder he's invited me
to his wedding.
I'm bloody paying for it!
Hey, there.
Hi. I'm looking for Elspeth Hopkins.
I'm her neighbour.
Bay 4. Straight down there.
Thank you.
And can I just say, so much
gratitude to you for your service.
I led my road in the Covid clap
for the NHS back in the day so
..you're welcome.
So, basically, Nick introduced
Trilby the Jack Russell
to a male suitor.
It was absolutely disastrous!
I'll bet it was! Yeah, it was!
All right, Amanda?
What are you doing here?
Oh, I just came to see
how Hugo's mummy's doing.
Hello, Elspeth! I'm Amanda.
I'm feeding your cats.
We live on the same street.
Aren't you the woman with the Tesla
that stretches the charging
cable right across the pavement?
No, no.
I-I don't even own a car.
That's how green I am.
I just wanted to drop by
and share some piccys
of your gorgeous cat.
Oh! How is he?
Aw! Living his best lives. Oh!
But, boy, does he miss his mumma!
Mm. Oh, there he is!
Oh, I know!
Aww!
Your hand looks really
big in that picture.
Yeah, I have big hands, Fi,
and I'm quite self-conscious
about it, so
I love your house, by the way.
Well, your kitchen, as that's very
much the only room I've been in.
Yeah. My husband made
all the cabinets himself.
Yeah, before he lost his arm. Oh!
In the war?
No. We were born in the '50s. Oh.
A computer server fell on him.
Wow.
Well, your kitchen is
..lovely. Oh.
When we moved in the whole place
was really grotty, but, ah
Yeah. ..over the years
we've done a lot of, erm,
restoration and Yeah, yeah!
..remodelling.
Yeah, sweet! So sweet.
Oh, in case you got bored in here,
I bought you a book
by my favourite author.
Do you know Penelope Lively?
Oh, Lively's terrific!
Yes, queen!
Ah! She is the absolute OG.
I never had you pegged as
a big reader, Amanda.
Well, what can I say, Fi?
I'm hard to peg.
Many people have tried to peg me
over the years,
but I'm basically unpeggable.
That's what I should call
my autobiography - Unpeggable!
Why don't we get
a round of coffees, Fi?
Yeah, all right.
I'll have a latte, please.
And, Elspeth
..I'm going to say Earl Grey?
Good guess. Yes, please.
OK. So it's a latte, Earl Grey.
I'll have a sparkling water.
I think there's a machine
by the lifts.
Thanks, Fi!
Right. I'll be right back. OK.
Fi? Would you shut the door? Thanks.
Who keeps doing this?
It's empty!
Right, Darius, I'm just nipping
to the corner shop to get some milk.
Are you asking me to babysit?
No, I'm asking you to watch the kids
while I nip to the corner shop.
OK. Well, rounded to the nearest
hour I'd say that's about 15 quid.
But, cos we're fam,
I'll do it for 7.50.
It's only at the end of the road!
Fine.
I'll just go to the library
and revise.
See you.
Little fecker!
Hmm.
Mm, mm, mm
Sorry, Amanda?
I asked you to shift
these catalogues.
Yes, I know, Daniel.
Can you not see
I'm in a flow state right now?
Is that a
A time of the month thing?
No, I'm working on ideas
for a new kitchen.
Oh. When inspiration hits, Daniel
..you need to be ready for it.
Oh, hello, Mrs Sanderson.
Mummy!
I was just passing. From Chelsea?
And I wondered if you wanted
to get a bloody mary?
Ooh!
It's 10.30.
Is it?
Oh, God.
Well, surely she's entitled
to a brunch hour?
Oh, Mummy, I'm sorry.
Can we put a pin in it?
I promised I'd pop in
and see Elspeth.
Why? She's just a bog-standard
old woman.
Elspeth is in hospital, Mummy.
And who are you, Lady Di?
You're up to something.
Mummy!
No. Elspeth's really interesting
and wise.
Just
Excuse me for making time
for other people.
Also, Amanda, can you please
sort out those samples?
I don't have time, Daniel.
Visiting starts in half an hour
and I promised sweet Elspeth
I'd bring her a copy of
the Radio Times.
See you Saturday, Mummy.
How's your new kitchen?
Did you have any thoughts about
the extractor fan
Call me a taxi.
Now.
OK, I made you a photo
montage of Aslan,
just to keep you company.
Ah! Oh
Is this Brahms?
I adore Brahms!
Whaaat?!
OK, this is getting weird now,
Elspeth.
Are we basically the same person?
No, I'm a huge fan of Brahms.
I just wish I'd got to see him live.
I am so lucky to have met you!
Ohh!
I feel like I've found
a new little sister.
Sister? Mmmniece.
Great-niece, even.
But, yeah, this sums up
what I love about our community.
It's just such a shame
we might have to leave Soha.
Who's Soha?
No, it's what the property experts
call South Harlesden. Oh.
Yeah. I just can't find anywhere
big enough for my family.
I've got two growing teens.
It's such a shame because, if
I could stay on our road forever,
I would.
Well, I'm actually
thinking of selling.
Stop, Elspeth!
Why would you sell a place
like that?
The stairs are not getting
any easier,
and I wouldn't mind being
nearer my son.
The ageing process is
a son of a bitch.
Mm. No offence to your son,
of course.
Or you.
Well, if you really mean it,
Elspeth, then, well
..I would love to throw my hat
in the ring.
Well, we'd have to have it valued
and everything. Yes. Oh, yes, yes.
But I would I would gladly offer
you first refusal.
Can we hug?
Oh, gosh!
Sorry, I think I just pulled out
your line.
Yeah.
It would probably be
a complete internal refit.
Plus a wet room.
OK. OK, great.
I'll see you Friday.
Thanks, Garry!
You getting some building work
done, then, Mands?
I'd appreciate it
if you didn't listen in
on my private conversation, Mal.
But, in answer to
your question, yes.
Cos it looks like I might be moving.
Really? Where?
I can't really go into the detail.
But it's close.
Very close.
Like, end of the road.
On the corner.
Elspeth's house?
How can you afford Elspeth's house?
She wants a quick sale.
Plus I'll do a lot of work
myself, put it on Insta.
Who doesn't love a hot blonde
in a hard hat?
Just ask Anneka Rice!
I actually had my first wet
dream about Challenge Anneka.
Oh!
Mal, TMI.
Come on! Hiya!
Hello. That is an awful lot
of dogs, Fi.
I know - it's mad.
Once you start walking someone
else's dog, things really snowball.
Oh, sorry, Snowball.
I wasn't talking about you.
We've got a neighbour who wants
a new dog walker, haven't we?
Oh, yeah. What's your going rate?
I don't charge.
I just do it as a favour.
It's hardly work, and I've got to do
it for Hugo and Bobby anyway.
Babe, you're mental.
You could be making a killing.
You don't have to monetise
kindness, Abigail.
I don't charge to help Elspeth,
and yet I feel so rewarded.
Mands, I literally work
in a food bank.
Well Fi, Mal, Abs!
Hey! And Jerry.
So lovely to see you.
Mummy!
Mummy?
Hey, get out of there!
Does anybody want any kali mirch?
I needed some for a recipe, but
they only sell it in two-kilo bags.
You know that's just black pepper?
Really?
Why are you bulk-buying seasoning?
I'm on this economy drive.
You know, I was going to have a go
at making my own curry tonight.
God, rather you than me.
My idea of cooking is adding
some ice and maybe an olive.
I mean, I know I'm going to save
money, eventually,
but these spices, jeez!
Used to spend less money
on powder in Ibiza.
Oh, ah, speaking of economy
drives, the bank called back.
They don't know what
UK-TERP LTD is either.
Well, maybe it's a scam.
You can't be too careful.
I once lost �80,000
to something calling itself
National Insurance.
Oh, ho-ho, ho, all right!
Dad's sag paneer fake-away!
Courtesy of TikTok.
Dig in.
Mm
Erm
Hmm.
Yeah, no offence, Dad,
but I think we're going
to have to find savings elsewhere.
I've spent 40 quid on spices.
I'm going to keep going until I get
it right or it kills me.
Yeah, whichever one comes first.
It's 4.30. What are you doing?
I couldn't sleep.
I've just been through
all of our statements.
We've been paying UK-TERP LTD
�7.99 a month
for the last eight and a half years.
That's
..�814.98.
For what? Who are these people?
What are they doing for me?
I think you need to come back
to sleep, babe.
That's it.
I'm cancelling the direct debit.
OK, then.
You'd be surprised the amount of
people want free quotes on houses
they've not even bought yet.
No?! Yeah, yeah.
That's crazy.
Mmm. Well, this is very much
my crib, so OK. ..yeah.
Well, look, I mean we could probably
put a Portaloo there.
That way, we wouldn't have to use
your toilet. OK, great. Mm-hm.
Oh. Is that your cat?
Yeah, yeah.
He loves it down there,
at the very, very end of the garden,
as far away from
the house as possible.
Oh, wow!
Yes. Oh, this is so nice.
Thank you.
I've worked around here for years.
I didn't even know it was here.
Yeah. Cor, look at those
original features!
Yeah, no, this house is perfect.
Definitely want to rip out
this wall, though.
And if you just come through here,
this Yep. ..is the room
I am desperate to get started on.
Wait till you see it.
Erm, yeah. Ugh!
Where do you even start?!
I just do not understand how anyone
could live with this monstrosity.
What?!
Oh, hi, Elspeth!
How long have you been
standing there?
They discharged me this morning.
Oh, wow!
What's wrong with my kitchen?
Nothing. At all. I love it.
You said you were going
to rip it all out.
Yeah, because it needs to be
completely rewired,
and then I'm going to put it
all back exactly how it was.
A full rewiring job's
a lot of money. Yeah.
Although we are ripping
out that wall, so Mmm.
Excuse me! Mmm. Who are you?
I'm Garry. I'm just giving a quote
on some building work. Mmm.
Who are you?
This is my house.
You told me you were the homeowner.
I amvery much in the process
of becoming the homeowner.
Ohsake!
I'll have to invoice you for this.
Garry, look, well You haven't
even done anything, Garry!
I am so happy to see you
back home, Elspeth.
And looking so well! Wow.
I haven't even moved out and
you're already demolishing my house!
Not at all. I-I'm simply
You said it was a monstrosity.
OK, fine.
Hands up.
If you want the truth, Elspeth
..I hate this kitchen.
It's a horrible colour
and it's very badly laid out.
And, yes, the first thing
I'm going to do is rip it all out
and skip the lot.
And I'm sorry, Elspeth, if
that's not what you want to hear,
but I think you of all people
get it cos that's exactly
what you did when you moved in here.
That was different.
Well, it wasn't, though, was it?
You changed this house
into your home.
You wore it in like a pair
of lovely old leather shoes.
When I look at this house
..I can see my kids
playing the piano
and my one-armed husband building
his own kitchen.
Aw!
But you're absolutely right,
Elspeth.
I am selfish.
Because I just want a bigger house
to finally have the space
to get my own cat.
What's going on?
Come on.
Has your internet just gone down?
Right, that's what UK-TERP was.
Ugh.
Oi! We're in the middle of a game!
I'm sorry I'm late.
You all right there, Amanda?
Never been better.
What's wrong with your face?
Nothing, Abigail.
It's awfully puffy.
Please don't body-shame me, Anne!
I've a touch of hayfever,
but otherwise, I'm slaying it.
In fact - breaking news
..I'm moving.
You're leaving Soha?! No, Anne.
Oh, thank God. Jesus.
I'm buying Elspeth's house.
Oh, wow!
I am finally getting the
Georgian proportions I deserve.
Yeah!
I and Senuous are entering
our elite era.
Wow.
You all right, Amanda?
I'm thriving. Thank you. OK.
Erm, so the good news -
I've set up a new direct debit.
Internet should be switched back on,
hopefully, by Monday.
OK, great. What's the bad news?
So the, ah, �7.99-per-month thingy
was a start-up deal
from nine years ago.
Erm, our new contract
is �62 a month.
Fuckers.
Yeah.
Are you still coming for coffee
afterwards, Mummy?
Doesn't Elspeth need you?
All right, for starters,
she's out of hospital now.
And, secondly, why are you being
so hard on her?
You're the one that's got
a hard-on for her.
Are you jealous, Mummy?
Well, of course I'm jealous!
But, Mummy
You barely know the woman and
you're by her bedside.
When I was in hospital
for my nip tuck
It was a hip replacement, Mummy.
Well, yes, they nipped the old one
out and tucked a new one in.
But you didn't visit me once.
What are you talking about?
I did visit you.
You did not. I did.
I literally slept on your floor
for two days.
I don't remember that.
Yes, because you were off your face
on morphine.
Look.
Oh, God.
Delete that immediately.
If you want.
Shoot, shoot!
What's this?
Oh, I'm going out to dinner.
And I've hired Ned
to babysit tonight.
Why?
Because he's cheaper than you,
Darius.
And I can spend my savings
on poppadoms.
Now, I'm going on a hot date
with my hot husband.
Come on, Chris. We're leaving!
What? No
You're baby-sitting me?
Market forces, innit.
Yeah, I've tried anti-histamines,
eye drops,
nasal corticosterides, erm
Nothing's working.
Oh, God.
Did you just send me an ambulance?
Fi?
God, look at you.
I'm a bit teary myself.
I'm so sorry, Amanda.
Huh?
About Elspeth.
What about Elspeth?
She died. What?!
Apparently she slipped in her garden
trying to pick up her cat's bowls.
Nobody knows why they were there.
Oh, my God.
I know. It's brutal.
Do you know if she mentioned
anything about me before she died?
Or the house?
You were probably the last person
she talked to.
Sorry.
I just need a minute.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.