Big Boys (2022) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Brent Uni grew on me as a pretty
cool place to study, but sadly
a couple of freshers left
then ended up in the news.
Here I am trying to help the
students with their job interviewing
skills and they keep dropping out
to go and wage holy war.
It's not your fault if people
leave to join Isis, Jules.
It might be. Right!
Jules and Danny, idea is you talk
to camera bigging up the uni.
Jack and I will edit it a treat.
And I get to put
video director on my CV.
Right. Jules, why don't you
kick us off with
what makes Brent Uni unique.
And action!
Hi, I'm Jules Handy.
And I'm Danny King.
I've dedicated the last ten years
of my life to Brent University.
Want to know why?
Stick around and watch till the end.
Now the gym at uni is a little bit
pubey, so when the weather's good,
why not come to our outdoor gym?
But don't come after dark.
Please.
Is that good, Jack?
Jack? Maybe it's your first
time away from Mum and Dad,
but don't worry about that.
We can all be your mum now.
Because here at Brent,
we have these fantastic facilities.
If you need to focus
on your work Sh!
Or you're a massive dweeb,
then why not come and work in
silence in our university library?
Whoa.
Not That can't
Absolutely not!
You're right by the books!
Go down to the accessible loo if
you have to do it. Absolutely not.
So you've heard from the students.
And the SU.
And now that all remains for us
to say is BOTH: Get Brent!
And cut!
Surprise!
[CHEERING]
You remembered.
Yeah, I always remember.
Happy birthday, mate.
Happy birthday.
You going to get a new bloody
birthday suit then, mate, or what?
Sorry, I forgot what it meant.
I'd been dreaming up this surprise
day all year to give you the best
27th B-day ever.
OK, so remember last birthday
when you shat yourself?
Yeah. Sort of drugged us all. Yeah.
Lied to us all that you were taking
medication when you weren't.
Yeah, all right! It's my birthday.
Well, to avoid that, I've planned
a day of all your favourite things.
And to start with, we're going
to your favourite place.
The pervy old man pub on
the ring road that does Thai food?
Your second favourite place?
Fleet services! It's one of
your favourite places.
Look, if it's Pizza Express and a
promo code like it's fine, but
No!
Is it bingo? Bingo!
Oh, mate! See, I know how much you
miss going with your nan, so
Oh, f
Listen, er. Fuck.
My dad's driving up to have lunch.
Like, I didn't say anything
because I thought he was going to
let me down, but, like,
he's nearly here. OK.
Right. Well, not to panic.
I can ring and add him on.
Will he need parking?
What's his vehicle registration?
I mean, I've been a stranger to
the bloke for years.
Parking's scarce. Hey, I think
we can just bingo another time.
Yes? You go
have a nice lunch with your dad.
Jack, help me edit the film.
And Danny can meet us in the SU
for a drink later. Lovely bubbly.
Um, sorry, guys. To be quite H,
we actually need to get on.
We're asking everyone on campus one
a pivotal question today, aren't we?
Is it white and gold
or is it blue and black?
I'm actually seeing blue and gold.
I can't believe this is
what our tuition fees pay for.
Oh, that's very sweet of you.
Thank you.
I asked my mum and Shannon to get
in a cake for a surprise party,
which naturally meant going
to the best bakery in Britain.
Costco.
That bloke's checking you out.
No! Er, that's a bit pervy
when you're eating Italian sausage.
I'm lucky if I get looked at at all.
Come off it!
I keep telling you
to get on the dating apps.
Look, there is no pressure
to meet anyone.
Just a laugh. It's just a laugh.
Not for me, thank you. Why?
I'm sorry, but you keep delaying
suggestions to get meeting blokes,
and I get it, right?
But wouldn't it be nice
for you to have a companion?
Like not be sat here with me
in a taxi eating Frankfurters?
OK, fine.
Look, I've only just worked out
how to send a Twitter.
And Jack absolutely must not
under any circumstance find out.
No, no, no, I know, no, no.
I actually DM'd Cher
earlier on today.
What did you say?
Hello, Cher.
Big fan.
How are you?
Any reply?
No.
What a bitch.
Hello, mate! You all right?
Yeah. You good? Yeah.
Come here.
You all right? Yeah.
Lovely. How was the drive?
Nah, it's all right.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I hate London, though.
It's just traffic, innit?
Traffic and Pret.
Yeah.
I got you something.
Nice one. Yeah.
Oh. I know you like writing,
and you got
your journalism and all that.
Yeah. It's lined.
Right, yeah. Thanks, dad.
Yeah. Well
Fancy a pint?
Are you having a drink? Yeah, gonna
have a little, little snifter.
Special occasion, isn't it?
All right. Just one though, yeah?
Yeah, just the one? Mm-hm.
Coming up.
Let the dog see the rabbit!
Oh, sorry! You all right?
Yeah. You go to Costco for booze,
you come back with a pram.
Aw. Are you getting excited now?
I really am, actually.
The other day in the shop, right,
there was this little boy,
and he was like, "Oh, mummy, mummy!"
And I just went, "Yeah?"
Just, just to see what it was like!
It turned out he was lost.
That was awful.
And have you talked to Tarik,
the baby daddy?
He texts me every single day
for how I am.
I've had to start sending him other
women's scan pics from Google images
just to get him off my back.
[PHONE PINGS]
Ooh!
I've been matched with John.
Oh, no, no, no, you can't
date a man called John.
That is the most common name
on the UK sex offenders register.
I nearly called Jack John.
Oh, my God!
This woman from Take A Break,
she asked the Metropolitan Police
in a Freedom of Information request.
"I would like to know
the ten most common first names
of sex offenders."
John comes in at number one.
Followed by David, Michael,
Peter and Andy.
Which honestly has really made me
feel weird about Andi Peters.
I liked him before.
You heard from your mum?
Uh, I mean, she sent me
an e-card, if that counts.
Like, we don't really speak.
She don't send me e-cards.
Yeah, it's almost like you're
divorced and you hate each other.
Hah! Wise words.
Well, it's true, actually.
Every time I try and call her,
she's like, "Oh, I can't talk
because of the time difference."
She's in Spain!
Yeah, I know. Not fucking Barbados.
Yeah, well, I don't love
talking to her, to be honest.
I can just hear it in her voice
that she still feels guilty.
And it's just like, I'm done.
Man.
That'll happen
if you leave your family.
Well, it's not like you made it
easy for her, is it?
Any news on your nan?
Yeah, she's stable, so
I suppose at this stage,
it's just
It's just a waiting game, isn't it?
Yeah, all right, steady on.
Oh, sorry. I
Fucking hell, I know I
I'm getting this all wrong, I
It's all right, it's all right.
Shagging anyone?
Honestly, I now have so many
bags for life, I actually believe
many of them will outlive me.
I've still got
Laurie's bag for life.
He always shopped in Budgens.
Oh, I love Budgens.
It's like, not Tesco's,
not Saino's, not Asda,
but like it's Budgens,
do you know what I mean?
Completely.
Uh, Peggy?
Sorry, babe, but your Tinder
photo has got Laurie in it.
Oh, I know I haven't got any nice
photos without him in them.
Yeah, babe, not being rude
or nothing, but you can't
have your dead husband
in your dating pics.
I tried to crop him out,
but I couldn't.
Aw, Pegs.
Let me do the cropping, yeah?
Right, just lean forward a bit
and let me take some new pics.
All right? I can't. Guys!
You've barely set up.
I want Danny to have a great night.
Don't worry. I'm going to make
cheese and pickle sandwiches now.
Cut off the crusts.
He's 27. We just need booze.
I can't even see any plastic cups.
Huh? Well, I got you red plastic
cups because I wanted you to feel
like you were in a crazy
American music video, OK?
Like you were having
some Skins party in LA.
Skins is set in Bristol.
Oh, you are being
a contrary bitch today, Jack.
I am seven months pregnant.
Do you think I give
a fucking shit about Skins?
Agh!
So that night for your surprise
party, I'd invited an odd mishmash
of my family, uni staff and
random girls that you had tagged
in Facebook club night photos with.
I was very stressed.
He's here! He's here, he's here.
OK, everyone get down! Shannon.
What's the food sitch?
Um, there's sandwiches.
Yeah, but there's no allergen info,
and Kelly is sensitive
to wheat gluten.
OK, well, it's bread, isn't it?
Surprise!
Oh, my God.
Oh. Oh, are you Danny's dad?
All right?
Can I just ask you for a quickie?
Yeah, OK. Um, this dress.
What colour, would you say?
Popcorn?
I mean, take your time.
Popcorn?
Jack, just relax, all right?
Popcorn?
Yemi, the empties!
Popcorn, guys?
Don't, don't, don't, don't
Say another sorry today
Excuse me, mate. Is there any ice?
Does it look like there's any ice?
Shannon, where's the ice?
Oh, um, the ice?
Let me have a think.
Yeah, it's in the shop.
Argh!
Ah. Honestly.
Right, look.
I'm so out of touch
I started to levitate
Now we just hang around ♪
Shan, I've matched with Russell.
Is he fit?
Well
He's a minicab driver
with all his own teeth, so.
Wow.
You are kicking off with the tens
there, Pegs. Good stuff.
But what do I do?
Er
Just chat.
I don't know what to say.
Message him what
you messaged Cher, yeah?
Right. Here we are.
What brought the orgy
to a grinding halt?
Er No, I wouldn't say
child protection services, no.
Choose a different one if you can.
Er White privilege?
No, that did not make me laugh.
So basically, I was involved
in major youth tenpin bowling
tournaments around the UK.
I actually won
the Margate regionals.
I've got a photo
of me with my balls.
Holding them, like that.
Go easy on those.
What else have I got?
Some people say I was one
of the most successful under-17
Jules? I got Kelly a pack of
chicken Fridge Raiders.
It's the best I can do.
Oh. Kelly was just about to
come out to everyone as vegan.
Argh!
Oh. Jack, calm down.
Look, it's going grand.
Yeah, look, I'm having a great time.
Listen, have either of you
spoke to my dad yet? Erm, not yet.
No, I
nipped out and got some ice
for your straight footy mates.
Oh, no, they're not straight. What?
No, they're a couple of gay fellas
I work out at the gym with.
I was just really rude to them!
you shouldn't be rude to people
just because you think
they're straight, Jack.
Get out of my way. For God's sake!
You having a nice time?
Yeah, no, I am, actually.
And your dad? All going good?
Yeah. Yeah.
OK.
So what did Russell say?
Well, he's also
just started using Tinder.
Oh, no. Red flag, Peggy, red flag.
Flag de rouge.
I bet he's had six dates
on there this month. No!
Yeah. No, he seems nice.
He lives in Wembley
with two dogs called Sue and Mel.
What? We're just
making pleasantries.
OK. Well, make sure you know
what his income is per annum.
Then we can find out if you need
more cleavage in the main pic.
Oh, blimey.
I can't get any more out.
You can, Peggy! You know you can.
Shannon, loads of guys are leaving
to go shop because all the beers
are alcohol-free.
Yes, and? Mum said at Costco
you got 80 cans of Red Stripe beer.
Danny's favourite drink.
Sorry. Are you now annoyed
that the drinks have been drinked?
The clue is in the name Jack.
They're drinks.
People drink drinks, OK?
They are thirsty at parties.
And I'm so sorry
for providing drinks for people!
But these people need drinks.
And, yes, they might have
drunk them all up.
How you doing?
All right. Yeah.
DJ's a bit shit.
This place is a bit of a dive,
isn't it?
There's a massive fucking
Scotland flag on the wall.
Whoopsy-daisy. That's me.
Yeah, Danny got it for me.
All right, Jock?
Your son's amazing, you know?
Leave it out.
He's a f He's a plum.
Hello, dickheads!
Jack's just gone to get
some more booze,
and he's going to set up
a beer pong table.
But I've never played beer pong.
You're very beer pong.
Do you know what I mean?
I'll go get some balls. All right.
Look, I'm really glad
you came today.
Yeah. Great, mate, yeah.
It's. It's nice to see you
settled in.
I, um, I did want to
have a chat, though.
Nan's flat.
I think I should take it.
I mean, it's bigger than mine.
It's nearer to town and stuff.
What are you talking about?
I'm going to apply
for succession of the flat.
What do you mean?
Well, I'm after a council flat
swap, and I want Nan's.
No, she doesn't
She doesn't want you there.
That's That's our home.
Well, you live here now.
Anyway. Just play along
with the council,
help me out a bit.
Is this why you actually came?
All right, mate,
no need to get arsey.
I could have just
texted you, couldn't I?
You know, technically,
I'm just like a lodger here.
Like I haven't got any tenants
rights. It's a fucking shed, right?
Nan's flat's my flat. OK?
That's mine and Nan's flat.
It's not yours.
Well, I'm next of kin, so
Guess we'll both
have to apply for it.
She ain't even
She might need to come back there
one day. Come off it.
We both know she is never
coming back to that flat.
Yeah, I KNOW, all right?
All right, mate.
Slow down. I thought you lot
were supposed to be able
to handle your drink.
Fucking amateurs.
Fuck you. You now what? Fuck you.
I have been grieving Nan
ever since I got here.
You know, this is the reason
that I actually reached out
to you and tried to let you back in.
Because I thought maybe,
just for a second,
he might be
as cut up about this as me.
Well, of course,
I mean, it's sad, isn't it,
yeah, but
You know.
I mean, look at you.
You're still just looking out
for yourself, aren't you?
This is why you're completely alone.
And do you know what
the worst thing is? So am I.
When she does go, at least I know
I would have sat next to her bed.
How are you going to
fucking live with yourself?
I feel sorry for you, Dennis.
You'd often leave parties
without saying bye.
We'd pretend it's because
you'd pulled some fit girl.
But we all know it's because
something in your head's gone off.
Can we just not!
Sorry.
I just want Sometimes it's best
if I'm just on my own, OK?
I just. I don't want to
like, burden anyone.
You really couldn't burden us, mate.
But I get it.
God, I'm just so sick of
like, every time I think it's
going to be different and Danny.
Are you OK?
Can you come back in, please?
Because they're requesting Candy,
and you're my only white friend
that can do the slide
without me cringing.
Sorry, mate, I just don't
I just feel a bit embarrassed
by the whole thing.
Danny. I'm sorry about him
No, no. Look, I get it.
When I was like 15, 16, I started
sneaking into the gay clubs
using someone else's ID.
He was actually Asian,
which is like really bad.
And I was wearing
these horrible sequinned crop tops.
It was a lot.
Anyway
I pretty soon realised that most
of my mates said they had to find
a chosen family, and that was either
because they couldn't be accepted
by their own or they refused
to accept anything less.
I refuse to accept anything less.
And that isn't because
all my family are homophobes.
They aren't.
But my chosen family
They love me whatever.
And that shitty shed
is full of people, Danny,
who have chosen you.
So please.
Choose them.
I love you, Yemi.
Of course you do, I'm incredible.
All right.
Shall we go back in? Yeah.
Come on, then.
Come on, then!
Rehearsal. To the right.
To the left. Take it back.
It's nice to hear
your voice again
I've waited all day long
Even wrote a song for you
It's strange
the way you make me feel
With just a word or two ♪
What?
Oh, babe, I had a right
Jeremy Kyle moment in there.
What happened?
[KNOCKING]
Are you OK, darl?
Yeah, yeah, I'll be out in a bit.
I'm just taking a second,
you know?
Well, I wanted to give you
your birthday present.
Because the other day, I came home
and Jack had let himself in,
and I could tell
he'd had a little cry upstairs.
We all still miss Laurie.
Sometimes you just got to
come home and let it all out.
So I wanted to give you this.
That's That's Laurie's key.
I can't
It's yours.
It's yours any time
you want to pop round.
Have a bath, a cry.
Raid the fridge.
Use towels that aren't like
pieces of Ryvita.
You come on by.
You know you don't have to do that.
I know. But I want to.
And I promise I'll help you figure
out how to keep your nan's flat, OK?
But for now, you are always welcome
to feel home at mine.
Thanks.
Just make sure that you get
some fabric softener here,
cos them towels in the bathroom,
they're, like, crunchy.
It is suspect.
Yeah.
Does that hurt? Yes!
What about that? Shannon, careful.
What's going on? Danny.
I'm so sorry.
Shan told me what happened,
and I just saw red.
He punched your dad. Hard.
Really? Yeah.
Oh, mate, that's so good.
Ow! Well, what have I taught
you about throwing jabs?
You keep your thumb
out the fist jab.
Right. Get ready, gay boys.
I was editing this for ages.
Oh, come on, I don't think people
want to watch me and Jules
banging on about Brent Uni.
Just watch.
Happy birthday, Danny!
I hope you like this.
BOTH: Happy birthday, Danny!
Danny! Happy birthday.
I think you're older than me.
Happy birthday, Danny.
Love from Jules Hendy, head of
student union and welfare services.
Happy birthday, Danny.
I hope you had the most amazing day.
It took a lot of planning.
I hope you win at bingo.
I hope you did all the pottery
painting as well that I booked.
Happy birthday, Danny.
Stop eating my Special K.
Happy birthday, Danny.
I love you.
I called the care home
and they sent this.
You know, so she wouldn't forget
to wish you a happy birthday.
Jack
That's not my nan.
What?
I'm only joking. That is.
Won't you hear me at your door
Singing give me some more
Cos you were never empty
And we've been here before
Yes, we've been here before
And that was always plenty ♪