Going Dutch (2025) s02e04 Episode Script

[BAND MUSIC]
Look, I know we've only been
seeing each other
for, like, three weeks,
but I really wanted you to meet my dad.
It's okay, I'm great with parents.
And he's just like any other parent,
you know, except he has
experience in gathering
information and breaking
enemy combatants.
I thought he loved woodworking.
Well, that's to sharpen
his knife collection.
- Well, well. Hello.
- Whoo! [SIGHS]
- [PATRICK] Good morning.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
[MIKE] But what exactly is happening?
Oh, it's nothing weird.
You know, this is just
a standard background check.
He does it for every guy
I introduce him to,
so it's a fun surprise for both of us.
- A-a background check?
- Michael Avery Grant, correct?
Yes.
Age 36, graduated with
honor speech pathology.
Uh, teaching kids to learn to
communicate is my true joy.
Aw, yeah.
And I ran a-a check
on your criminal record,
and that came up spotless.
Of course, I knew it.
There was one detail that bothered me,
which is that you're currently married.
- Married?
- I-I can explain.
[MAGGIE] Uh
The divorce isn't final,
but we're separated.
Well, that's fine. You know, sometimes
love doesn't last forever.
Yes, but the part
that bothered me is that
your wife's grandmother
and your grandmother,
they share the same last name.
Okay, well, dad, a lot of people
share the same last name.
It's not a big deal.
My ex-wife is my cousin.
- Ha!
- Ooh!
But only my first cousin.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
Mike, that is the closest kind.
Why is it fine for kings to do it?
- It's not!
- It's not!
That's why we loved Lady Di.
She was the only one
who didn't look sickly.
Yeah, she's the only one with her chin.
- [STAMMERING]
- Mike, Mike. Leave.
I-I have the worst taste in men.
You really do, honey.
I mean, you line them up.
It's just loser, loser,
loser, loser, loser.
- Yeah, I get it.
- Yeah, um
But you know, love is forever.
Especially when you marry your cousin.
[LAUGHS]
We're gonna laugh about this later.
- You're laughing now.
- I know. It's just so funny.
[THEME MUSIC]
You know this is giving
divorced dad, right?
Taking your sad daughter to ice cream
to make her feel better. What's next?
Eating cold hot dogs over the sink?
Meeting your lady friend
at that dog track?
Is the ice cream making you feel better?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Then it's doing its job.
If the Red Sox can break
the curse of the Bambino,
you can definitely break
the curse of dating bad men.
Do you know why I'm cursed, dad?
Why-why I pick bad men?
- No. Why?
- Well, I'll give you a hint.
Um, he's driving the van.
How could it be my fault? I
You can't have daddy issues
if your dad was never around.
- Do you hear yourself?
- Yes.
There are way worse dads than me.
- Name one.
- Stalin, one.
- Bing Crosby, two.
- Mm. Mm!
Number three,
Marvin Gaye's dad shot him.
So you look at those guys,
all of a sudden
- You're the fourth worst dad.
- That's not what I was gonna
Dad, this is serious. I'm
I'm starting to think that
I'm gonna die alone.
You're not gonna die alone.
- Really?
- Yeah, I'm gonna be there.
The military is gonna download my brain
into some kind of Terminator style robot
and then, you know,
I'll outlive you by, like,
probably a thousand years.
Hey, what the hell is this?
- What am I looking at?
- [INDISTINCT YELLING]
Well, based on the signs I'm reading
that you could also read,
these are Belgian separatists.
They're demonstrating
because they want to form
their own country.
I already don't respect Belgium
because it's basically
Luxembourg with better PR.
Now they want to form
a tinier, lamier country.
- Lamier.
- Yeah.
[ENGINE REVVING]
[MAGGIE] Dad. Dad. Dad!
What are you doing?
- Oh, that was so rude.
- How dare you!
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
[MAGGIE] Oh, that was the flag.
Well, they ought to work on that
'cause it looked like a sheet to me.
[BAND MUSIC]
Happy Friday.
Happy Friday.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
We're not doing that.
This weekend is the better opportunities
for single soldier's happy hour.
Yes. We're gonna get you
over that cousin humper.
Hey, he was a cousin marrier, okay?
He put a ring on it.
It was their grandmother's.
Um, you know, I-I was only
ever really into Mike
because I thought that
he was the perfect guy
to help me get over Shah.
And now I have
two guys to get over. [SCOFFS]
- Just come out tomorrow.
- No.
Look, my picker is so bad.
The only good pick
I've ever had was Shah.
- Girl, he is married.
- Good point.
Okay, look, this isn't
a regular singles mixer.
This is Maggie proof.
I had Papadakis
hack into the invite list,
and the first thing we did
was get rid of all the women.
And second, I've invited
the best officers
from nearby bases, Europe and beyond.
Okay, I'm talking cream of the crop.
Top of the top, all for you.
Wait, so you're telling me
that you basically
designed my own personal
episode of The Bachelorette?
Yes. And you can immediately
go to Fantasy Suites.
And I won't be judging,
but I will want details.
- And if my bad picker tries to
- No, no, no, it won't.
Look, because there is
not a bad pick in the batch.
- You can't lose.
- Genius.
- Yeah!
- [CHUCKLES] I'm in.
[BAND MUSIC]
Aah! Whoo!
There's nothing like
finishing the last item
on your to-do list by 1500.
This must be what drugs feel like.
If you, uh, come down from
your high soon enough,
there's a Bruins game on
pretty late tomorrow night at my house.
- That-that sounds good. Yeah.
- Yeah.
I can use a little break from Celeste.
Now that we're living together again,
after how much talking
goes into a marriage,
I mean, you have to,
like, live your day.
Then you have to recap your day.
Then you have to listen
to them recap their day.
Get to live two days.
Oh, God, if you come to my house
- None of that.
- Great.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Right? Oh
Quinn.
[BASTIAN] Bonjour, this is Bastian,
the leader of the Belgian
Separatist Movement.
Ah, uh I don't recognize the name.
Did we go to high school together?
[BASTIAN] I was protesting
in front of your base,
and you drove through a flag
and that was disrespectful.
No, I drove through a sheet.
Okay. That was blocking the entrance
to my army base.
You were trespassing on US soil.
[BASTIAN]
I demand a public apology.
[PATRICK] Let me tell you
something, pal.
You're barking up the wrong tree.
I have never apologized
for anything in my life.
Not one thing.
I didn't even apologize when
I missed my daughter's birth.
[BASTIAN] Oh. You will apologize.
Or else what?
[BASTIAN] I don't have
an "or else."
We are a non-violent movement.
You got to have an "or else"
when you're making demands.
Okay, it's just like
that's day one stuff.
[BEEPS]
So, anyways, thanks for calling.
I needed to laugh
and, uh, I'll never talk to you again.
- Bye-bye.
- Okay, I traced the call.
I will notify Stroopsdorf
Police, all three of them.
That'll teach him
to threaten the US Army.
Go slap the cuffs on his pervert ass.
Wait, how do you know he's a pervert?
Well, he speaks French.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[RATTLING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]
Hello, military boys.
I only know how to make Mai Tai's
and trouble, but I'm really
good at making both.
- Ooh, guess who looks so good!
- Hi, hi, hi.
Thank you. Yeah.
Wow, this is, uh, amazing.
I-I feel like I'm in
a Jane Austen novel,
except I can inherit property.
Hey, are we at all concerned
that these many men
will be disappointed that there
- is only one woman to talk to?
- [DANA] Uh, handled.
Allow me to introduce you
to the amazing Papadakis.
Amazing Papadakis.
Okay, so what's-what's happening?
Also, Papadakis is gonna
entertain the rest of the men
with some up-close magic
while you pull a bombshell for a chat.
Oh, I thought you were the magician.
Every great magician needs
a less talented assist.
- Oh.
- Pick a card, any card.
Now put it back in the deck.
Now check Papadakis's
front chest pocket.
- Ooh. Okay.
- I know nothing's in there.
I have very sensitive nipples.
Those are a gift from God
and you should cherish them.
Unless
- Is this your card?
- Yeah.
Gideon, you're so good.
Uh, no, I'm the magician.
I pulled the card from my pocket.
He just does all the technical stuff
that leads up to the reveal.
- Isn't that the magic?
- [PAPADAKIS] No.
Magic is about charisma and charm,
which I have in spades.
You are full of spades.
- Oh, Gideon, yes!
- Oh, that's good. That's good.
Puns and props. Who are you, Carrot Top?
Just keep the men from leaving.
Otherwise, I'm gonna
make you two disappear.
Now, let's go find your soulmate.
Mm-hmm.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[BAND MUSIC]
I wonder how Maggie's big night is.
[INDISTINCT TV CHATTER]
Maggie's what?
Conway's throwing Maggie her
big boss dating event
as a sort of factory reset
for her love life.
It's good that she's getting some help,
especially after that last guy.
- He really did a number on her.
- Oh, yeah.
Which, you know,
is her fault because she picked them.
Like it doesn't have
anything to do with me, right?
What?
This is gonna sound crazy,
but she said to me that, you know,
it was my fault that she picks bad guys.
You know, Freud did have
a lot to say about
parental dynamics
affecting adult relationships.
Yeah, well, you know,
he was a cocaine addled freak,
so I think we're in the clear there.
Yeah, a lot of other
psychologists think the same.
You'd be surprised how
many people are on coke.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Yeah. Quinn.
- [BASTIAN] Bonsoir, Colonel.
What the hell? Why is your
pervert ass not in jail?
[BASTIAN] I was released on
bail since I am no flight risk.
I will stay here forever
to fight for my country.
Your country. Yes.
Like, your made-up country.
It's like saying I'm gonna
take a bullet for Narnia.
[BASTIAN] I'm calling you
with your "or else."
Okay.
[BASTIAN] I'm here to destroy
something that you care
about and, uh, don't bother
tracing the call
because it's coming from
inside the base.
What? Hey, you don't
hang up on me, you
Okay, wait, did we just turn
a separatist into a terrorist?
No, this guy's a non-violent terrorist.
Which is like saying
you're a castrated gigolo.
You know what I mean? He's unhinged.
And if he wants an unhinged competition,
he came to the right guy.
A lot of punches are gonna be blown.
It's gonna be a battle.
I'm gonna bring my brass
knuckles to this party.
Let's go to Narnia.
[BAND MUSIC]
[SHAH] We implemented
an exterior lockdown.
MPs are patrolling on foot and by car.
You know what? S-stupid Belgians.
They're just so
Well, I don't know
what they are actually,
'cause I never cared enough
to research the stereotypes.
I did.
They are everything that
is bad about the French
without anything that is good
about the French.
If he's gonna sabotage something,
it's gonna be the cheese.
Hey.
Let's go, let's go, let's go. Come on.
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Let's go.
Is that a picture of Gideon
holding your card?
[LAUGHS]
[APPLAUSE]
- [MAN] That's my phone.
- Huh!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hey, we got a situation.
One of the Belgian protesters
has infiltrated the base,
and is threatening sabotage.
- Sabotage?
- Yeah.
- Here?
- Yeah.
Okay, what is he gonna do,
pee in our cheese?
- Well?
- Oh, my God.
Is he gonna pee in our cheese?
We need to shut this event down.
No, Maggie is just getting started.
And Papadakis is gonna saw
Gideon in half,
and, you know, he doesn't know
how to do that.
Okay, well, maybe we could
stay here and just, like,
block the exits.
What, are you nuts?
We have a fox in the hen house, okay?
We need to stop him
before he does real damage.
Well, with Maggie's taste of men,
she'll probably find him
right away. [CHUCKLES]
'Cause she's got like
a magnet for losers.
- That's the plan. Perfect.
- [DANA] What?
- I was joking. Stop.
- That is morally reprehensive.
- We cannot do that.
- Morally reprehensive?
Absolutely not.
It's-it's a perfect plan.
She leads us to the guy.
You distract her. We grab the guy.
She's none the wiser. She starts talking
- to some other guy.
- I don't want to do that.
Okay, how can you be so sure
that she's gonna find him?
'Cause she's always looking for
the next jerk like Rick Silver.
Okay, so here she comes.
Just be cool. Be cool.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi. What's going on?
- What are you guys doing here?
- We are here to cheer you on.
- Yes. Go, Maggie.
- Maggie.
- Win dates.
- Win dates.
[CHUCKLES] Stop.
You meet anybody special? Um, tall?
I can't say that anyone's
really giving me, like, the jolt yet.
- The jolt?
- Well, you know, the jolt.
Like the-the-the whiff of danger,
the thrill of the unknown.
I'll get a little tingle
in my, um, in my heart.
Yeah. Like she got
with Rick Silver, right?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Rick Silver's a liar,
a cheater and a spy.
Yeah. Liar, cheater, spy for America.
[PATRICK] You know what, honey?
The important thing is not to give up.
Look at me, the guy, uh, you know,
three divorces down
and I'm still looking
for my fourth, you know?
So just go out there
and get a jolt. Yeah.
Okay, I'll go back to what I was doing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, great.
- Yeah, all right.
- Follow your instincts.
Look for the jolt. All right.
So she's gonna lead us right
to the French perv.
And then we grab him, black bag him.
- Black bag him?
- Yeah.
We never leave home without it.
- All right, let's fan out.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[CLINKING]
[PAPADAKIS] Thank you very much!
Okay, go ahead.
[MAGGIE] Oh, my God. I love dogs.
Oh. Oh. So-so these aren't your dogs.
These are, uh, just photos
of random corgis.
That's cool. Um
Wow, oh, so you deliver
sanitary products
to developing nations?
As a male feminist, uh,
it's important to connect
to menstruation.
You say "menstruation" a lot.
Would it be better if I said "menses?"
No, that's a lot worse.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[BASTIAN] Un biere, s'il vous plait.
[JAN] Oof, what is that accent?
It just makes my tailbone tingle.
And why are you here?
Oh, I'm just here
hoping to meet somebody
from the base tonight.
Maybe. No, I'm tempted.
But this night is not about me.
You should talk to Captain Maggie.
She's the star of the evening.
- Captain, huh?
- Mm-hmm.
[APPLAUSE]
[PATRICK] She's smiling,
and he has a Belgian beer.
[SHAH] Well, she's into him.
And we have physical contact.
You're really funny.
That's [CHUCKLES]
- Nobody's that funny.
- No.
[COUGHS] I'm going to get water,
but I'll be back.
- Move it.
- Yeah.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[PAPADAKIS] Thank you!
[PATRICK] All right, let's go.
[PAPADAKIS] Thank you very much.
[SHAH] Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
- Out, out, out. Yep, yep
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How did you get in here?
That's right, yeah.
- Get in that chair! Yeah.
- Got him, got him. Go.
[RATTLING]
- Ha-ha!
- Hah!
[PATRICK] Yeah, I hope this
country you're forming
has free healthcare, pal,
'cause I'm gonna
put a boot so far up your ass,
you're gonna need
five doctors to get it out.
Heh. He'll do it, man,
you better listen to him.
- He's crazy.
- I haven't done anything.
I-I-I just met Maggie,
and she seems so easy
- What did you say about her
- Hey!
- Easy to talk to.
- Hey, hey! Jeez.
I thought you were the good cops.
Sorry, buddy. You're stuck
in a room with two bad cops.
Where's the accent, Belgian boy, huh?
- What happened to that?
- I'm an American.
Liar, okay? I saw Maggie
talk to you at the party.
You were the guy she
was most interested in.
That means you must be
the biggest piece of garbage
in the room.
- That's just science.
- She was laughing at me.
I'm vegan.
I told her I don't eat
anything with a face.
You said that out loud to a woman?
[SIGHS] Colonel, we got the wrong guy.
- That means
- [PATRICK GROANS]
Wait, you still haven't
told me your name.
- Oh, my name is Bobby.
- [CHUCKLES]
And it's a real pleasure to officially
meet you, Captain Maggie
of, uh, Stroopsdorf.
[GIGGLES]
And you're not sure how
you ended up at this party?
Oh, I mean, I just walked
through the door,
but I can tell you all the roads
I took that led me here.
[CHUCKLES]
Yes, it is a real saw.
What do you think I am, a hack?
Let's do this.
Wow. I think we're gonna be
in the splash zone.
Then maybe we should get out of here.
Yeah. Hey.
So in your country,
can you marry your cousin?
No.
Music to my ears. Let's go.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[SIGHS] Voila.
I know it's just laundry,
but these facilities are as
impressive as everyone said.
Mm.
Well, it's nice to be talked about.
It's sturdy.
And not to brag,
but we do laundry for a lot
of important bases all over Europe.
Come on, I'm sure you have more
than that to brag about.
- So, Bobby
- Mm-hmm?
Tell me more about yourself.
What, uh, gets you out
of bed in the morning?
[CHUCKLES]
Don't, love, but, uh,
my love for my country.
- Same. Same.
- Really?
I'm literally wearing
red, white and blue underwear right now.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Well, there's a reason we both
become soldiers, I guess,
to fight for something that
we truly believe in.
Uh, are the lights flickering in here?
I would describe it as more of a-a jolt.
You're talking about the lights?
Yeah. Yeah. Uh, well, we've had, uh,
electrical problems
in the past, so could be.
- But, you know
- Hey, I can fix it.
Just show me the breaker box.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Uh, handy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- I'll show you the breaker box.
- Mm-hmm.
[GRUNTS] Clear.
You know we have keys
for all these doors, right?
What's more important to you,
door jams or freedom?
[SHAH] Well, Bastian
just turned on his phone.
Okay, I got to ping on the location.
Okay. Maggie and Bastian
are in the laundry room.
- Let's go. Let's go.
- Hang on, one sec.
- [GRUNTS] Okay.
- [THUDS]
Are you done?
- What?
- What?
Yeah. So I think that the breaker box
is somewhere in there,
but, uh, the electricity is here.
I have to tell you, Bobby,
that my instincts are usually
pretty terrible.
I just pick all the wrong people
for all different kinds of reasons
that we don't have to get into.
But I stopped trusting myself, you know?
But tonight has given me hope
that I can trust myself again.
So, thank you.
- Is it in here or
- Uh, no.
Your phone background is
the Belgian separatist flag.
I'm no dummy.
- And it's an ugly flag.
- [BASTIAN] No.
Did you just lock me in?
Hey! Hey! Open the door!
[SLAMS]
- [PATRICK] Mmm.
- Damn it.
- Yeah.
- He's gone.
You know what?
This is your fault.
- It's not my fault.
- You know, you always do this.
Do what?
You always put your job before Maggie,
and you did it again.
There's a room full
of nice guys over there
waiting for her right now,
and she's not there.
Why isn't she there?
Because of me, okay?
I get it.
In my defense
- Hey!
- Oh, Maggie.
- Hi.
- Hi.
T-there's a Belgian separatist
that's running around the base.
- So we've been trying to
- Yeah, yeah, I know.
I, uh, I caught him.
I trapped him in the laundry office.
- Oh, you caught him?
- Yeah.
I knew something was up.
He was way too into laundry.
- Yeah.
- I'll just
- You, you
- Oh, yeah.
Okay.
All right, listen,
uh, you were right, and
You do, you deserve an apology.
You don't have to actually apologize.
I really am sorry.
I've been a really lousy role model.
And I-I'm now, and I'm here
and I should try to be a better one.
- Okay.
- Oh, oh, it's okay, baby.
- No, it's fine.
- I'm sorry.
No, I interrupted. You go on.
Oh, no, no. That was-that was it.
Oh, I thought you would,
that there's like
more to be sorry for.
Well, honey, I kind of meant
that was like a
blanket apology, so there wasn't
Oh, what about missing my birth?
Your mother and I had a conversation
about the following weekend
Never teaching me how to ride a bike.
I couldn't find a helmet
that fit your head
'cause your head's oddly-shaped.
Okay, what about never
telling me that you love me?
I came so close on 9-11.
[BASTIAN] I am peacefully resisting.
- Work.
- Hey, what's up?
So, so much cologne. But
- Hey, can I still call you?
- Yeah.
- No, no.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You won't be calling
anybody for a while, pal.
Let's go. Come on.
You can call your lawyer.
How about that?
Should we get you back to that party?
Nah, I don't think
any of those guys are
the right guy for me, you know?
Yeah.
So
[CHUCKLES] He was tall, though.
[SHAH] A little too tall.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Uh, hey, dude.
- Oh, hey.
- Thank you again for tonight.
- Mm-hmm.
And look, I'm sorry
it didn't work out, but hey,
at least this time you realized
you picked the bad guy.
Oh, yes, progress.
Look, sometimes you don't
get what you want
and you get what you need.
And turns out, I needed to watch
my dad speed date 50 men for me.
Who's your favorite quarterback?
Um, I don't actually like
American football.
- Bye-bye.
- Dad.
What am I supposed to talk
to him about on Thanksgiving?
You don't come to Thanksgiving.
I'm coming to Thanksgiving
starting this year.
[CHUCKLES]
[SLOW CLAPPING]
Sarcastic applause.
That's what you give me.
You get that from your mother.
Favorite quarterback?